New Beginnings
User Topic: And it finally happened....
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Almost three years since the A began (late October 2010), DDay in January 2011, D in late April 2011, always justifying their relationship, and TONIGHT he finally needs to talk to me, I'm the only one he can talk to, he's so sorry for everything, he know it's too little too late, but he needs to talk to me....tomorrow. (eta: we don't talk - haven't spoken in WELL over a year, closer to two - we have no children together)


The morbid curiosity is actually causing me to consider a conversation. Yes, I know I will get many 2x4's for that, but I may just to hear what's up. I figured he either has marriage issues or he got arrested (I have many law enforcement contacts). His texts are leaning towards the former. I won't get entangled even if I do talk to him.

Any experience with this? Please feel free to 2x4 as appropriate.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:57 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

he's drunk.

BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.

Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

he's drunk
Well, there is that, lol, but that's a constant with him, so there's a bit more to it. Now, will that change his reaction tomorrow?

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

I think I would be curious too. You're far enough out to know what the deal is with him and not get sucked in.
Since you posted this, do an update.

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)

Since you posted this, do an update
Oh, definitely. I would never not post this type of thing here - it's the best resource I have.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

This just happened to me a few months ago. After 6 years, he needed to talk to me (we talk often about the kids but that's about it). So he tells me he made the biggest mistake of his life, he still loves me, had never gotten over me, so sorry for all he has done to hurt me.

My reaction was not what I had thought it would be. I thought I would be feeling like, ha! Serves you right, f--- you. But i didn't feel that way at all. I was more sad than anything else. Sad for our kids, sad for the breakup of our family. There is no way I would ever go back to him, too much has happened between us and besides, I'm not the same girl I used to be.

Good luck persevere. The curiosity is sometimes too much to resist.

Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Whats the chance of him working a 12 step program or having a come to Jesus type epiphany?

Short of the above, its probably not good. But I understand your curiosity.

BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo

Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday) ex came crying when his boyfriend cheated on him. "This is karma!! Now I know how you felt!". I flipped my lid when I heard, "Now I know how you felt!" Your boyfriend sexting someone else does not equal a 17 year relationship, 2 kids, multiple moves, 10 houses, retirement THEN finding out your spouse is gay and cheating on you for most of the marriage.

He shut up after that. I can't say it "helped" me, it more just showed me how completely clueless he is about what he did to me.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4182 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Yeah. Mine had this epiphany about 18 months after we were divorced. He said "I know what you need. I can be a good husband to you."

Yeah, fuck him - if he didn't get it after 17 years of marriage, I don't need it.

It really upset me. The conversation ended when I walked into the house and left him lying in my driveway sobbing.

This chick ain't nobody's Plan B.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I wouldn't do it. I am thinking he is sniffing around to see if you'll be a plan B.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1358 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Morbid curiosity / curiosity killed the cat.

Whilst I do understand the morbid curiosity I would remind myself that I won't get any answers from that guy because he doesn't have them. I don't know this stranger and he knows himself even less.

I suggest you sit down and write out exactly WHAT you are curious about.

I would not give him an opportunity to express anything to me.

I would not give him a chance to throw a new hook at me.

There is no upside here. IMO no good can come of this.

If you wrote out a pros/cons list it would be obvious that NO is the answer here. Even the best-case scenario has ZERO upside for me.

That would be a no for me. Make that a Hell.No.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Ah yes, the cyclical alcoholically induced "Bring thee to the mountain" chat.

Cuz I've had, I dunno 3 or 9 conversations like this with Rico, let me share how this little meet up will go.

He will use the word "I" at least 934 times and YOU will NEVER factor into the conversation.

You will not be asked what you are feeling, only what you think he should do.

He will unleash emotions in you that your "closer to two years" of NC has softly let heal.

You will watch him unravel and then start questioning why you wasted so many years with him in the first place, unleashing those most evil monsters called shame and contempt onto yourself.

And, yes, you will get entangled because at the root of the reason for this conversation, you are his "go-to-no-one-knows-me-better-than-her" soft place to land. His to catch and then release. Again.

You will leave that meeting upset that you lost an hour of your life you'll never get back.

But hey, don't listen to me. Pet the drama llama and come back and tell us what happened.

Or, save your sanity. And your pride.

Your choice.


[This message edited by ajsmom at 8:41 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!

Posts: 21068 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Sigh; I so agree with AJsmom, but my curiosity would get the better of me too. I have actually had a few of these convos via phone. Luckily, they just leave me shaking my head. I've stopped feeling sympathy for him, and my empathy stops at 'There but for the grace of god go I' However, face-to-face? I'm not sure I could do it.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20281 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

You've moved on and done a nice job of healing.

Tell him to talk to his wife.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I've had a couple of these with my X. I didn't feel like it set me back or anything like that. I just felt like he is still struggling but doesn't get that he caused it all. I just shake my head after these little "confessionals" or whatever you call them.

ajsmom is right about it all STILL and ALWAYS being about them. They are lost and maybe in the dark recesses of their minds they know that it's all because of their own actions. But because they cannot come to terms with that fact they look to you for advice and redemption.

BTDT, but even if he called me tomorrow, I would still listen to him. It doesn't cost me anything and reinforces how much better I have survived this trauma than him.


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7739 | Registered: Aug 2005
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Id listen to it but I would not go out of my way or wagging my tail to make sure you are available at any given sec to listen.

my ex did this too. it took after I was remarried, and 3 yrs after divorce. he had just had his heart broken and by his email it was about 3am. he said things I needed to hear. way late, but it was indeed healing for me. Im not going back to him. omg never. but i spent nearly a decade w him and we have kids. the least he could have was an epiphany and say sorry. whether or not he meant it is another thing. it took me yrs to get over him and by the time he said it I was like, good. you get it a little bit. and you bet when he said oh my heart is broken, I turned around and said- now imagine you married that girl she cheated on you and you had kids w her and you watched her cheat over and over? cause the pain you have now is NOTHING like what I went thru. but I appreciate you apologizing.

I dont love fighting unless its warranted. if you dont have kids, then I cant see why you would need to fight over much. i would listen to what it is, either by phone or email and then keep moving on.

6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

2x4 no way! He wants a favor? Well that's too bad.
He needs a friend? Um no you're not interested in being an OW in an emotional affair. See ya, bye.
He wants to apologize for his behavior to you? Ok tell him to email you. Then you get to decide if you want to read it or not. And, just because he sent it does not guarantee him a response from you.
He needs advice? Tell him to find a therapist or counselor.

You're the ONLY one he can talk to? Wow I find that hard to believe.

Or just 100% ignore him, do not respond at all.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I would totally have to go. And if you are where you say you are, i think it could be awesome to see him with distance and perspective. (and no rose colored glasses)
You aren't the same girl, you wont fall for the same lines.

Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Persevere, if you are curious enough to entertain this, it is going to affect you more than you realize. Keep up NC, and imagine whatever scenario brings you peace. This won’t quench your curiosity; it is purely a manipulation. You will only end up with more questions and frustration if you allow him back into your life, even in such a limited capacity.

Posts: 3445 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I still get those phone calls "I still love you B4me" and I let them go to voice mail and I NEVER return the call. He's stopped by my house a couple of times when I wasn't home (I didn't know I had friendly spies in the neighborhood until they told me this). I don't want to see him. I don't want to hear what he says. I wouldn't even be curious as to what he needed to talk to me about. I. Just. Don't. Care.

But that's me...

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52

Posts: 3207 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

You know yourself best and how breaking NC might affect you and if it is worth it to have a taste of who this person is now so many years later.

I would probably do this if my XH called. There is a good chance I will never hear from him again, he's a very withdrawn type and doesn't try to pull me into drama. I would be curious. I might feel upset for a few days, or I might not. I would process it through and move on again. It wouldn't kill me, it wouldn't wreck me, it would show me exactly where I am at.

But you know you and you know your X better than anyone.

Just be prepared to cut it off abruptly if he wants to complain about stuff you don't want to listen too.

Remember you have a right to cut the conversation off anytime you want.

BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I appreciate the experienced advice, and I plan to keep it very limited - phone call only - and one conversation.

And no more.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Oh.. geez....

If I'm being honest - I've hoped to get a message like that from my ex ever since this journey began.

When we were still 'working on our marriage' and I didn't realize he was still in the A, we had some conversations like this but it always left me feeling, empty. Why? Because I never got what I really wanted from him. Anytime I would go to him with a feeling, a longing or something I thought only he could provide, he left me feeling even less whole then when I started. Does that make sense? I would just be more frustrated because he didn't 'get it' and clearly never would.

There is a part of you that will feel satisfied in someway, that yes, you were right, he did make the biggest mistake of his life. But, it won't make you feel as satisfied as you thought, like others said, you'll end up feeling sad, for them, your family, your healing, all of it. It will reopen old wounds and make you question so much. I dont think it will take you back to ground zero, but it won't be easy. In short, if it's closure you're looking for, you won't get it from him because he isn't emotionally stable. This isn't about you being cruel either, it's the truth that no one can fix him but himself. The cheating spouse is broken in a way that you cannot heal and are not responsible for - it's hard for them to see that.

Having said that, if I got a message from my X like that, against my own better judgement I would go. What can I say, it's still hard to separate all that and maybe a part of me would want to confirm that it was a mistake and that I did move in the best way I could. I would lie to myself and say it's because I'm a bigger person and all about 'light and love' moving forward, forgiving people and sending them on their way, no hard feelings. But the truth would be that love is hard to shut off and I would want to see him, no matter how painful. I wouldn't go back to the way things were, of course, but I wouldn't be able to say no to a meeting.

No matter what happens, good luck! We are behind you and please keep us posted. If you do meet with him, remember who you are, how far you've come and that he's simply a broken person that you cannot fix. It may be hard to bounce back from the meeting - know going into it, it will unleash old pain and feelings, but you will bounce back. Good luck!

Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Even a year ago, I wouldn't have met with my ex if he asked to talk. But now...yeah, I probably would out of curiosity. And bitchiness. I know it would drive wifetress nuts if she found out I was alone with ex for any length of time.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I can only echo what AJ said so well.

My X is a champion of this. Curiosity used to get me. I had to touch that hot stove several times. It seemed cathartic in the moment but it really isn't.

Ultimately the supposed realization isn't very deep. It just raises those old questions all over again. Its a new bruise.

Let us know how it goes. These things are so tough to say 'no' to.

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
New Member
Member # 38468
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Tough situation that only you know how best to handle for yourself.

Have not been through this myself, but can imagine my reaction.

I would pass.

Hard to imagine what benefit can come out of having the conversation.

BS - 48
DS21 - College Student
DD19 - College Student

Status - Divorced 3/2013

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Minnesota
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Haven't talked to X in years and no kids either. He is married to OW. The closest I got to this was an email last year on what would have been our 21st anniversary: Don't know if this is your email address but "I'm Sorry"

Friends and family said no response but I didn't listen. I wrote back.: I don't know if you're being sentimental or just plain mental. After all you have put me through I can assure you that it will never be forgotten, ffixed or forgiven. If I were ever to run into you, I would probably punch you in the face.

Haven't heard from him since.

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 25th (Friday)


Gotta admit I'm curious what the phone call revealed...

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 28