SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: My mother blames me for not allowing him to cheat...
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Sad  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

So I had this talk w/ my mother the other day. She says that I am at fault for checking up on my husband and trying to force him to stop his cheating. If I only had understood that "men cheat" my kids would still have their father in their lives. But *I* had to check on him. *I* had to press him to give up his whores and I should have allowed him to have his whores. Then, my kids would have a solid family with a mother and a father.

Your thoughts?

ETA She was married for 48 years to my father who freely cheated inc. sent one of his whores and my mother to the U.S. to visit me.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 2:43 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2485 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Maybe in her and other's world,cheating is just part of being married. My vows said otherwise and I believed in what I vowed to FT.

If you knew that cheating was acceptable and likely you would have chosen differently. (never married)The kids wouldn't have to be from a divorced family because you never would have brought kids into the relationship.

Kudos to Mom for staying married to a liar and cheater. It's nothing I would admire.
Hugs
Consider the fact Mom is from a generation that stayed together no matter what was wrong. Infidelity and abuse were rampant in many homes for us babyboomers growing up. NO ONE talked about it. That, in my opinion, is so much worse than coming from a single parent family.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20371 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I'm really trying not to speak ill of people I've never met, so I won't print my real response to that, except to say that I VEHEMENTLY disagree.

Cheese house, EW - what a thing to have to hear from your own mother. She's absolutely wrong, you know. In case you ever let that voice in your head, I need you to hear another voice yelling it down - WRONG!

((((((EW))))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25320 | Registered: Aug 2011
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

That is just fucked up!

Where I come from that is called accepting an open marriage, which is fine if both parties are in agreement to that particular lifestyle. However, it cannot be one-sided. That is called infidelity, and I did not sign on for that nor did I ever suggest that I would blindly accept it and "look the other way." What a load of crap and totally misplaced blame for your mother to heap on your shoulders! YOU didn't blow up your family, your cheating spouse did!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1098 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

The sins of our parents are not something that we're obligated to repeat.

What she's saying is akin to telling you to stay in an abusive marriage because respectful people don't do divorce. It's bullshit and you don't have to listen to it. Please don't listen to it.

Unfortunately she's likely seeing a lot of herself and her situation in what's going on with you right now. Her defense mechanism is to encourage you to take the path she took because that's the only way she knows and because to send you in another direction would means she's flawed. It's nothing more than an attempt at self preservation.

You are your own person. You're stronger than codependence and you can and should break free.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

That conversation is all about her making herself feel better about the life she had.

I am sorry.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2100 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Sorry Exit Wounds. This sucks but to have your own family placing blame as well is another level of shit you don't need. My parents have been supportive but had my Mother said to me what your told you I would have responded with, since Mom doesn't understand that she is supposed to suport her children maybe the kids won't have Grandma in there lives either. Maybe she would change her tune then.

Sorry stuff like this pisses me off when people that are supposed to be in your corner aren't.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I am so glad that whatever Koolaid that your mom drank never got passed onto you.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

She's from a generation of women who had virtually no choice. They stayed because there was no way to leave. They demanded nothing from their husbands as long as there was a roof over their heads, and food on the table. They used this to justify and rationalize away the fact that their husbands were abusive, lying, cheating bastards.

We no longer live in that generation and, therefore, we no longer have to view marriage as just a means to an end.

Unfortunately, your mother has not evolved. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and, as the vows say, spouses are supposed to be faithful. Why bother without fidelity?

I 100% agree with the prior poster who said that this is just a way for your mother to feel better about her own bad situation. She wants to break you down and make you feel weak for demanding more of your husband because she couldn't or wouldn't do that herself.

Please know that this is all on him. The break up of your M and your family is all his fault. You expected respect in your marriage, which is what we all deserve. You expected fidelity because this is what he promised and it's what we all deserve. The fact that he couldn't deliver and didn't want to participate in a real, honest, loving union is NOT your fault.

I don't know that I would be able to be around my mom if she spewed such unsupportive garbage at me during the most difficult time of my life.

I'm so sorry. None of what she says is true.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2794 | Registered: Jan 2011
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I agree that this is a whole other generation. Women now are many times making just as much money if not more then the husband. Women are graduating college in greater numbers then men.

The world where men ruled and could do whatever they wanted and disrespect the woman at home who took care of everything and who raised their children is not the norm anymore. Women have choices and they don't have to sit there a take it anymore.

Your mother sadly is giving you horrible advice. I hope you find happiness and joy with whatever you want to do and not feel less then at home because of a man who is out screwing other women while you are at home waiting for him.


Posts: 5645 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I cannot imagine being so detached from my emotions that I would even think this let alone say it to one of my daughters.

Then, my kids would have a solid family with a mother and a father.

Modelling atrocious behaviour.

What kind of mother is she being right now? Doesn't sound very 'solid' to me.

Not only is life different for women but also for men. They weren't able to get divorced without massively impacting their lives. They would often lose their children and it was not as socially accepted as it is today.

I'm so sorry EW. I can't imagine hearing this from my own mother.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I really appreciate all you guys' responses!
My mother is a M.D. She is highly regarded in her field and made more money than my dad, who happened to be a psychiatrist (of all things) So the theory of her staying for the roof over her head is not the case. She said "I had a very expensive husband at home." Meaning SHE paid his way. I asked her WHY did you stay she said b/c she loved him.

I have to say I was stunned when she said its my fault that he left. It hurt me deeply b/c I don't want to be blamed for him. After all, I gave him chance after chance. The straw that broke the camels back is when one of his whores came up pregnant.

I am so greatful that you guys disagree with her. I have to admit for a split second I thought..."wow, it IS my fault".

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 4:09 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2485 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
laney57
Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I'm sorry. She has a right to her opinion on her life and how it worked. Shame on her for not supporting you with her very few wods.
You know that's just nutty. Hugs!


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I have to admit for a split second I thought..."wow, it IS my fault".
Oh, honey. Not at all your fault. I hate that you felt that way, even for just a second. (((((Exit Wounds)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25320 | Registered: Aug 2011
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Not to be flip, but best response:

Dead pan face:

"Mom, you were part of the Free Love movement?"

Different generation, major projection. ((Exit)) Not your fault ever. Raising children to be healthy rather than vehicles to carry on "tradition" makes you a great parent.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Just wow. I would also point out previous generations didn't have to worry about HIV, Hep C,, HPV, or even herpes until the early 80's. Tolerating it now can be life threatening.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

My mom stepped out of high school and into WWII. When she was raising us kids (8 of us, and a couple foster kids sprinkled in) she learned that her best friend's husband (who also had 8 kids) was cheating on her.

My mom told my Dad then and there, that if he ever cheated, she would never tell him that she knew - he'd just wake up one day to find he was raising 8 kids -- alone.

She morphed from mom into a very successful business woman at age 50, and is 90 y/o now. Not all of that generation thought they were stuck. If you ever need to borrow her - she still has enough spunk to go around!

Hang tough - my mom would be proud!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

My mom said..."I can't believe you didn't belt her one when you found out...as most guys probably would do."

Definately something there from the older generation because I would never raise a finger to her. Not that I didn't want to grab her by the collar a few times and throw her out of the house when my son was in obvious pain and she had zero emotion.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1467 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

My mom said the same thing. She also said I should let him go to strip clubs more.

Different era - different planet... whatever it is, they aren't based in OUR reality.

(((Exit Wounds)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17318 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Mr. Kite
Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Exit Wounds - sorry you have to go through even more pain inflicted by someone who should have your back and not make you feel even worse.

After D-Day 1 my mom told me that my dad had cheated on her as well, and that I should stay with WW and raise our son, no matter what. In other words, "If I had to do it, you have to do it too." When the same thing happened years later to my younger brother, her baby boy, she changed her tune to "I'll kill her if I ever get my hands on her." Warped thinking is not necessarily generational.

The irony is that my mom didn't get along at all with WW until after D-Day 1, then they were like best chums. The day my mom passed away, WW was practically inconsolable. I've learned not to share my pain with family members or friends. I only do that here on this site. This is why SI is so important to me.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

My mother is a M.D. She is highly regarded in her field and made more money than my dad,

She said "I had a very expensive husband at home." Meaning SHE paid his way. I asked her WHY did you stay she said b/c she loved him.

Well first of all I will say it is still sad that their generation still felt that they needed to stay in a marriage where one cheats. Even when they are making more money.

She did all of that to be a doctor, to help people, but she did not know how to help herself. Somewhere in her past as well (thats why FOO issues come into play) it was made to feel it was OK to accept a man who was cheating. To not end your marriage and still think you were in love.

I think you will be breaking that FOO past. And hopefully passing it onto (don't know if you have kids)to children of the future. Thats what is really important.


Posts: 5645 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
hangingontohope7
Member
Member # 20024
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry.

I wasn't flat out told that it was my fault or that I should allow him to cheat. But, I was told by many family members on both sides that sometimes "these things" happen in a marriage and we should stay together for the kids sake. My own mom told me the day after DDay#1 that there would be no divorce because marriage is forever.

Both of my parents are madhatters. So, of course if they had to stick it out then so did I.

DDay#2, several years later, I was done. I wasn't going to put up with the cheating again and it didn't matter what anyone had to say about it. My mom was holding out hope for weeks after I left that STBXWH would come to his senses and we would work it out.

No one should ever be in a relationship where they are expected to let the other person lie and cheat. It's abuse and I'm so sorry that your mom doesn't see it that way. And, I know that lots of people have said and you know it deep down but it deserves repeating... You are NOT to blame.


Me: BW
DDay #1 Tried R
DDAY #2 Divorcing

Burn everything love then burn the ashes.


Posts: 247 | Registered: Jun 2008
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I just want to jump in and let everyone know that I am reading and re-reading everyone's comments. I truly appreciate you taking your time out to write to me. Your wisdom is greatly appreciated!

I wish you all peace and love,


Posts: 2485 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I am BEYOND shocked that your mother feels this way.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 24