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User Topic: I'm starting to get very anxious and depressed
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

This Friday I am going to visit SO and meet her kids for the first time. I've already posted about meeting them in another thread and am feeling okay about the actual meeting part of things.

However, this Friday is my anniversary. My normal defense for this is to isolate. Well, I can't do that this time. Meeting the kids in itself is a huge step in the relationship with SO. I feel like I'm getting more and more "locked in" to this thing. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but I feel more committed, less in control and it scares me. Big time.

I don't want to go to the airport, travel to an unfamiliar place, or even leave my house. I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now and totally out of control of everything. I feel like a little kid dreading a dentist visit to get a tooth pulled. I don't want to go. So much of me wants to totally back out of this thing but I know I have to go.

I'm so depressed and hurting right now. I just can't deal with a trigger day, big steps in a relationship, unfamiliar places, meeting her kids and seeing her parents all in one freaking day/weekend.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I understand why you are having anxiety. Maybe this is God's/fate way of changing what the day means to you. I did something similar a couple years ago and it happened on my anti-versary of FT leaving me for good. I now have a very different feeling and no regrets of going on that date.

This a huge step in your NB and that is a wonderful positive. I believe this date was chosen for you to look forward and the past is now the past in your life.
You are going to a place where everyone there is supportive, love and adore SO as you do. Nothing negative there.

Anniversary is a date in your past that you married someone you loved at the time. Yes you were betrayed by her but had that not happened, you wouldn't have SO or her family in your life. For all the bad feelings of XW you are now having, there are alot of positives.



BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

double post

[This message edited by ladies_first at 7:29 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

this Friday is my anniversary.

That's the past.

Meeting the kids in itself is a huge step in the relationship with SO. I feel like I'm getting more and more "locked in" to this thing. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but I feel more committed, less in control and it scares me. Big time.

That's the future.

My normal defense for this is to isolate. Well, I can't do that this time.
Isolation and cutting are unhealthy.

Rather than focusing on the negative, can you make a list of 5 positive things about the present?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Distraction and a new venue will be a HUGE relief. Just get there. Don't think about it - spinning on things is what gets you into trouble.

Books. Video games. Exercise. Bonsai trimming until lawn season comes back.

Get out of your own head and into something positive and enjoy yourself when you go to see SO. YOU CAN DO THIS.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17840 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

((((Myname))))

I'm so depressed and hurting right now.

It's good that you can articulate how you are feeling! I'm so sorry you do feel that way. I understand, it's SO hard to deal with stress.

I just can't deal with a trigger day,

YES YOU CAN!

big steps in a relationship,

YES YOU CAN!

unfamiliar places,

YES YOU CAN!

meeting her kids and


YES YOU CAN!

seeing her parents

YES YOU CAN!

all in one freaking day/weekend.

YES YOU CAN! You can handle each one of these things Myname! You can do it! Each one of these is doable. You are so much stronger than you feel!

Sending you hugs because I know it's scary, but YOU CAN DO IT!



BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

While I think the distraction maybe good for him I personally do not believe it is time to add you meeting the kids into the mix. I don't think you are healthy enough to be introduced to the kids when you are having such a hard time with everything. Just my two cents.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

I agree with hummingbird. This may not be the best time for you to meet the kids. Please take care of yourself and get the help you need to heal so you can enjoy this wonderful life ahead of you.

((((My name)))))


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Myname,

I am so excited that you are going to meet your SO's family. Of course you are anxious, if you weren't anxious you wouldn't be normal.

I find the anticipation is always worse than the actual event. Just stay the course, practice your juggling and look forward to seeing SO and meeting her kids. They already like you, so that is one barrier you won't have to meet.

You were apprehensive before SO met your family and that went quite well - better than anticipated. Once you get off the plane and give you SO a hug, it will all be fine. She will help you through it.

I am looking forward to the update.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I'm proud of you for arranging this or agreeing to it if your SO arranged it. You knew when it was being planned that it would occur on your past anniversary date. As gma has said, this date will now be the date you met SO's kids.

I was feeling similar before the last SI G2G that I attended. I was anxious. Nervous. Unsure if I should go. Worried. But I told SI that I would be there, and I went. After the 2nd day, I was sad that it was over.

I find the anticipation is always worse than the actual event.

I agree completely. I'm always uneasy before an event where I will meet new people or have so socialize with others. I'm much more comfortable at home or with my closest friends.

You'll be nervous/anxious probably until you see SO. You can do it. Push through all of the uncomfortable feelings and you'll pull through on the other side. I'm glad you're forcing yourself to do this and I hope it's the positive experience that I think it will be.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I'm starting to get more and more nervous. I called it an early day at work and just sent my employee out to finish the last few lawns. I guess that's one of the advantages to being the boss.

I know I'll get through it. It's just that before and even after something like this I get myself into trouble.

I just hope I don't go into "shut down mode" while I'm there. I keep reminding myself to just go in there, put on the show and get through it. It's what I always do. Shove all the emotion down and deal with the hurt and pain later.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

While your SO can be understanding about your need for space, your shut down modes and every thing else, her kids are not going to understand it. I know you will probably do it anyways but please think twice before getting more involved in these kids lives before you are healthy. If I was your SO and you were honest I wouldn't be having you meet my kids.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I understand what you are saying Hummingbird8, and SO and I have had several long discussions concerning this. I talk to the kids several nights a week on Skype and they started asking when I was going to come over. I think saying no would be more hurtful to them.

Me going into shut down mode is very unlikely to happen. I usually only do that at my support group and around my family. The bigger concern is how I cope before and after the visit.

I have talked to IC about this as well. At first she said that since it is a "triggery" weekend to pick another weekend. Then I said well, November has trigger days and December, January, February, and March. So what I end up doing is just running away and avoiding all the hard stuff and never dealing with any of it. I go into my typical defense which is isolation. IC said that she didn't realize that that is what I do and said that I probably should go and reclaim that day and stop repeating the same behavior of isolating and avoiding every trigger day. I literally hardly leave the house during the winter in an attempt to avoid all triggers. It's debilitating. She said that is not living and it only adds to the depression and my other issues.

Believe me when I say that I would love to use the excuse of "well I'm just not healthy enough" but it would be just that. An excuse. I know I can't get my life back if all I ever do is fall back on my excuses. It's been 5 years since D-day with no real R. It's time.

I get that there are little kids involved here (and an SO) but I think that is what has helped push me to be a better person. To raise the bar in my life and put my head down and just plow through the hard stuff. Stepping out of my comfort zone is not easy or fun but if I want to move forward in life I need to do these things. I'm never going to feel ready but as my IC said it really is the right time to meet them.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Wow, I would be anxious, too!

My dd just did this with her father and I wondered if she was nervous.

A friend of mine from growing up has what I think is nice advice for this-it's helped me through major anxiety without pills or counseling.

It is to picture yourself on the other side of what makes you anxious. Picture yourself done.

And then go get a reward. Not a big one if you don't want a big one, but do something for yourself as a congrats! for a major feat in life.

For instance, when we have hard doctor's appointments, we stop and get a treat on the way home. It takes the sting off and we talk about the treat instead of the hard part, so it's not the only thing on the day.

Good luck to you.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Ho Lee Cow!

Myname, do you realize how healthy you sound in your last post?

Believe me when I say that I would love to use the excuse of "well I'm just not healthy enough" but it would be just that. An excuse. I know I can't get my life back if all I ever do is fall back on my excuses. It's been 5 years since D-day with no real R. It's time.

You have made HUGE strides in your healing. I remember how hard it was for you to even consider going to IC. How you were just a huge mess.

And now, you recognize you are about to do something really hard, and you are just going to do it anyway.

You're doing it because you want your life back! You're doing it because you are ready to get your life back!

That guy who can run a business can run his own life too!

((((Myname)))) You can do this!


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Think about other times you have stepped out of your comfort zone and it turned ok for you. Maybe just thinking of the first days with your SO, you were definitely out of your zone ! I think since you have skyped with the kids often, they will be an easy win. They want to meet you ! That's cool.
As a parent, I can say I always gave my kid's SO the benefit of the doubt unless proved otherwise. Their concern will be the kids and they are on board.
Hugs and you're going be patting yourself on the back that it was a job well done.

[This message edited by gma56 at 2:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

And then go get a reward. Not a big one if you don't want a big one, but do something for yourself as a congrats! for a major feat in life.

Why can't I treat myself to a big reward. I think I will do something nice for me after this. It's a big step for me.

Yes GMA I skype with them a few times a week for the last 2 months. "Winning them over" is a non issue which was a major concern for both SO and I. I didn't and don't want to be seen as trying to take daddy's place. This has been a slow process with them and things have been according to their timing and on their terms. They are very excited for me to be coming.


And now, you recognize you are about to do something really hard, and you are just going to do it anyway.

I am a very stubborn and determined person. This is the good kind of stubborn.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Hope your weekend has been going great! I'm looking forward to the update!!


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Thinking about ya - hope all went ok!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2178 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Things went really well. Much better than expected.

Both of SO's kids took to me immediately. I took BB's advice when I met SO's 3year old DD and squatted down to get down to her level. She gave me this weird look and was looking at my feet and legs and then squatted down next to me to talk to me. Of course she didn't have the balance so she had to hang onto me. She did this every time I squatted down to talk to her.

I never had to pull out any magic tricks or silly characters. Things went that well. I couldn't have scripted it better. Nothing felt awkward or weird at all. It certainly didn't feel like I was meeting them for the first time. It felt like we had hung out a bunch of times already. I'm sure all the Skype time helped that.

I do realize that there was a bit of the "shiny new toy" factor. But I do think that they liked me. Her son was pretty sad when I left so I'm setting up another trip in between Thanksgiving and Christmas to see them again.

So the negatives were that I self-harmed (burned) before I left my house for the airport and then again in the hotel room right before meeting the kids. I feel pretty bad about it but I was so stressed I had to get some kind of release.

Once I was with them I found it easier to focus completely on them and not my triggers.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I am so happy to hear things went well.

You know the anxiety will decrease as you see them again.

I think having kids around is just what you need!

The visual of you and the little girl squatting down as you talk just makes me smile.

[This message edited by confused girl at 11:38 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Thanks for updating us!

That is soooo funny about the squatting!

So was the harming due to the anticipation/stress? Meaning, now that you met them, will it be easier to go again over the holidays?

I am so happy for ya!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2178 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

was the harming due to the anticipation/stress? Meaning, now that you met them, will it be easier to go again over the holidays?

Yes and no. Yes the self harm was due to the stress of going in the plane and meeting them. In the past when going to see SO my pattern has been to self harm before going. Then shove down all the anxiety and stress of going into uncomfortable places while I'm there but then come home and having some kind of weird delayed reaction to being in stressful situations. And then I self harm.

I have a lot of work to do this week and I'm not feeling well so I don't think self harm is going to be an issue.

I will say this. Focusing on those kids helped so much. We went to the zoo which is semi triggery for me but I didn't think about it at all. I was too focused on hanging out with them and the two of them battling for my attention to even think about triggers.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3066 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

This is such a hard time of year for you and you have made such strides.

I can't wait to continue to hear more updates.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Pretty good update, myname. I'm so glad that the kids recognized your awesomeness right off the bat.

Please find a way to stop self-harming. I ache for you when I read your posts.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7768 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

It sounds like the distraction of SO and her kids are just what you needed!!


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Topic Posts: 26