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Reconciliation
User Topic: He broke NC with her!
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

1DH just confessed that he broke NC with the female coworker he had an inappropriate relationship with.

He sent her a NC letter a couple of weeks ago asking her not to contact him unless it was absolutely necessary to his job, and that if she had any work related questions to please direct them to someone else on his team. Well, yesterday he said he was in the break room heating up food in the microwave. There was a crowd of people in there. While his food was heating, she approached him and said, "Hey, how are things going in [1DH's department]?"

1DH: "Fine, I'm super busy. I've got a dozen projects ongoing now."

Her: "Good! Our new VP is big on documentation, so I'm really busy!"

1DH: "Oh, cool that you're busy. Good to hear. Gotta go back!" He then grabbed his food and left.

He promised me to only talk to her if necessary about work, but I don't feel this was necessary. I feel it was engaging in office pleasantries. He feels it WAS a necessary conversation because there were other people around. He says he didn't perpetuate the conversation and spoke as little as possible to get out of there as quickly as he could. I feel that since he sent her the NC email, his response should have been along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but unless it's absolutely necessary I can't talk to you." His attitude is different and he feels that since SHE approached HIM and asked him about work (as in, "how's it going?") that he was obligated to engage in conversation with her.

What do you guys think? Am I over reacting? Because I'm pretty upset over this!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

No, he is not obligated to engage in conversation with someone he betrayed you with. How freaking hard is that to understand?

Well. Ok. For many waywards it is hard to understand because they are used to doing what they want, when they want.

He should have:
a) pretended he didn't hear her
b) looked at her and not replied
c) opened his phone and called you
d) at the very most he should have said "fine" and froze her out

I mean. Come on. He knows what he is supposed to do. He just doesn't want to make HIMSELF uncomfortable.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

If he was worried about co-workers over-hearing (do they know? do you care about that?) he could have just said, "It's fine, thanks" and turned away. I hope 1DH can see why in this situation it really wasn't necessary to have this conversation. She was asking about work but it wasn't really work related, it was an excuse for her to talk to him.

My H doesn't really have to talk to his COW very much about work so any contact on his part would upset me too. A little while ago she stopped him in the hall to tell him something he has been working on is looking better (she had never done anything like that before). He said he just looked at her, gave her the thumb's up and turned away. I told him I wish he had just turned away...there was no real need for him to acknowledge it since it wasn't something that required a response. I think he gets it now.

eta: I agree with Rebreather about not wanting to make himself uncomfortable.

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:30 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

This:
He should have:
a) pretended he didn't hear her
b) looked at her and not replied
c) opened his phone and called you
d) at the very most he should have said "fine" and froze her out

I mean. Come on. He knows what he is supposed to do. He just doesn't want to make HIMSELF uncomfortable

.

You may need to work with him through some practice scenarios with him to help him learn some NC skills.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 7:36 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

For what its worth ccw the WS often miss-steps with NC. It is pretty easy for us to understand isn't it? And should be for them. A similar sitch happened w my H only it was over a biz email she sent him (she was fishing tho). He responded and showed me. I asked, "what part of nc do you not get?!"

Use this as an opp to go over what NC means so there are no further missteps. The whole process is hard enough w/o the casual exchange that breaks your heart! Next time that happens he can just say, "all is well" get his stuff and go.
Again, use this as an opportunity.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

Ps: Do agree with rebreather and SVSN - practise a few scenarios.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SuperDuperWonderboy
Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

On the upside. He told you about the conversation.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
ccw82
Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)

LA44 -- I agree to a certain point. If I hadn't laid out the exact terms of what NO CONTACT meant, then I could see him slipping. If this were the first time he had "slipped", I might feel easier about this slip up. But it's not, he's had several slip ups with lying and TTing me to death! I am waiting for him to grow the *f* up and learn WHAT is RIGHT, and WHAT is WRONG, and then act accordingly!

Super -- I agree, he does get brownie points for telling me about the conversation. That is definitely a step in the right direction!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 8