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User Topic: I'm combative, how do i change that?
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Last night when i came from the gym my SO says, " i thought i was going to have to call the FBI" i responded "stop clocking me SO" then he says you always get so combative in a disgusted voice... Then i said im joking just like you are except now you are pouting..then he says im watching TV..we didnt talk much for the rest of the evening...

Background

During the wk if i do a class at the gym it usually starts @6 ends at 7 then i go to the sauna for 20 min...im usually home abt 7:30..on the weekends usually home by 10:30 or so... He works out abt 3 hrs Sat & Sun..

When he says things like "i thought was gonna have call 911 or the FBI" it puts me on the defense, i feel like i he wants me to explain why im late without really asking, does that make sense.... Late to me is 7:45-8, not 7:35 which i was actually at home by 7:30....why does he make comments like that?? It makes me feel like he's trying to be controlling... Grrr!!!

How would you handle this? How should i have responded? Should i talk to him abt it and ask him how would he have liked for me to respond to his comment??

\ / help!


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

my two cents is to discuss it when you aren't cranky.

I think maybe he is doing it in a way to say he misses you? Do you send him a text saying you're coming home and miss him?

Could be a possibility?


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

it puts me on the defense,

I don't think that you'll be able to have any acceptable response for the issue is that his comments put you on the defensive. Then that defensiveness shows through.

I think it would be best to search for why you get defensive when you have to explain why you are late and let that answer guide you to how to go from here. Once you know why it may be as easy as disassociating your SO with a past person who used to say these things as ways to pry and control. It may be that you need your SO to be more direct in his feelings like instead of saying "I thought I was gonna have to call 911" that it would be better received if he said "I'm glad you're here. I missed you". On top of that try to be very clear as to when you will be home and try to hold firm to that time then he has no reason to make that silly comment.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51417 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Thanks MU and Lauren...
The thing is i wasnt late so i didnt understand why he made the comment... He knew i was working out bc when i left that morning he carried my gym bag outside for me.... I may mention the night before im taking the spin classe tomorrow.....

My defense stems from me feeling like hes acting like a protective daddy (hes 11 yrs older) he's also a retired Marine and i believe he doesnt really like change.... Two wks ago my wkout days were Tue-Thurs-Sat&Sun...Now they are Mon-Wed-Sat&Sun...

IDK...

For the record we very seldom have disagreements but i believe me being combative really affects him...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

If you recognize you're being combative, you can change it.

Instead of the first thing that pops into your head when he says something like that, stop and think. Maybe something along the lines of "Oh, what time is it? I didn't realize I was late."

That opens the dialog to understand where he is coming from. Maybe he was joking, maybe he was concerned. But you can't know which it is if you don't open the dialog.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7637 | Registered: Aug 2005
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Thanks NL..

This is not the first time he's made that comment. My response is the same each time...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

OK; I see this differently. Not so much that you are combative, but you are reacting to his irrational behavior--because if you're less than a half hour late coming home from the gym--or anyplace--WTF is he questioning you at all? It would piss me off too.

However, a pissed off response is not necessarily the way to go. If you can take a breath and then respond by asking why was he worried (or whatever the situation requires) it would work better to open up a dialog.

Better yet, as Lauren said, talk to him about this when you are both calm. He should not be confronting you like this; you're not his prisoner.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19764 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

SAD u hit the nail on the head..

Update
SO texted me to see how my morning was going and i told him" i was thinking abt our spat last night then looked at my phone and saw his text"... He said what spat? i forgot all about that.. I told him i had not forgotten about it and i think we should chat abt it bc it made me uncomfortable... He said he was joking but he wont joke like that again.... he said he made dinner for 7
but i got home later than usual thats why he made that comment... I said really? I didnt realize what time it was, i asked him wht time was it exactly and he said 7:45pm... I dont believe that bc i did the same workout i usually do and left the gym at my reg time....

But i digress

I told him when he makes comments like that it makes me feel like he doesnt trust me.. He said of course i trust you we are bldg a house together....so he said i wont joke abt the time anymore and i said that i will remind him abt the wkout im doing and the approx time i will be home...i told him when i do not do any of the classes im home by 7:15 when i do the classes they start at 6 ends at 7 then i go to the sauna tor 20 mins.. Then im out, i live 7 mins from the gym...
End of convo....


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Yea - issue resolved!

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7637 | Registered: Aug 2005
Kalleigh
Member
Member # 1214
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

if he would have said that to me I would have said GOOD go a head.


I love my husband and kids, but there is something missing, LIKE MAYBE A LIFE!!!!!!!

Posts: 6498 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: Wisconsin
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Thanks my friends...

Side note***

Of course he forgot abt the spat last night, he's horny as hell...we havent had sex since Sat morng and i know hes "ripe for the picking" mem forget everything when are horny..


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1770 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 11