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User Topic: MC said I can ask three questions, what would you ask? BS/WS
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Question  Posted: 7:06 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Our MC got my WS to agree to answer 3 written questions. What should I ask? Please give specifics and if you asked that how did it work out? I'd also like to hear from WSs - what would be the most important or helpful. What should be avoided? Ty


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
jstbreathe
Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I guess my first question would have to be why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions. Why are you not entitled to the whole truth and to ask as many questions as you need, for as long as you feel you need to? Just a thought.


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2013
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I know you are wanting examples of specific questions to get specific information. But different people have different ideas on what is important to know.

My advice to you is to write a list of all the questions you would like to ask. Then go about reducing that by 1/2. Then reduce it by 1/2 again. (For example, is it more important to know how many women there were - or what type of sex they had? I think different people might answer these questions differently.)

At some point, you will be left with the 3 MOST important questions you want to ask. I would choose carefully - as if these were the only 3 you were ever going to get to ask.

My guess is that if your WH sees that answering these questions were a help to you - and it was a positive interaction, that you might be able to get more answered later.

Good luck with this!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:10 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Having said that...

I want to say that jstbreathe has an excellent question!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

1) why did you think it was ok to betray and disrespect me and the family by having an A and what to you plan to do to change that type thinking?

2) what are you willing to do to restore my faith in you so that I may trust you again?

3) why should I not kill you right here and right now (kidding...sorta )


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I guess my first question would have to be why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions. Why are you not entitled to the whole truth and to ask as many questions as you need, for as long as you feel you need to?

^^What jstbreathe said.

I understand my response is not answering your question, BUT you are entitled to ask anything you want, and if your WH truly wants to R, he will answer every single one of them. Your MC should be pressing this issue!

The ball needs to be in your court. All questions you have are important! You cannot rebuild a marriage on a bed of lies or in a garden of secrecy.

((((lostcovenants))))


Posts: 7470 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

FWW here.

Seriously only 3 questions? Wow. What in the world is the "logic" behind that?

So not only do we cheat, lie, destroy the marriage, break our spouses heart, but to add insult to injury, you only get 3 puny questions. Sounds like rugsweeping in the making.

Personally, I'd fire your MC. And would seriously wonder if your husband is still in the A.

I'm 2 years out. QS still asks me questions. I can't tell you how many he's asked me. And I've answered each one. Cause he has the right to know. If I want to stay married, if I want to heal this relationship, its in our best interest, embarrassing or otherwise, to talk about it. I shouldn't have put myself in this situation to begin with. I sure as heck ain't gonna fight my husband on any questions he has. Whether there are 3 or 3,000.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6163 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I guess my first question would have to be why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions. Why are you not entitled to the whole truth and to ask as many questions as you need, for as long as you feel you need to? Just a thought.

This ^^^^ was exactly what my first thought was too.

My MC said we would stick with the why's and the where's and the wherefore's until I decided I was done... FWH agreed this had to be the case and did just that for over a year of our MC sessions.

3 questions? That's like the genie saying you can have only one wish when we ALL know the answer to that would be: "Ok, so I want unlimited wishes!"


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jul 2009
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I understand my response is not answering your question, BUT you are entitled to ask anything you want, and if your WH truly wants to R, he will answer every single one of them. Your MC should be pressing this issue!

no kidding. WTH on the MC?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4769 | Registered: Dec 2010
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Okay - I should have explained a little further. I think this is the mc way to get this started. My ws has answered some questions but after a few he withdrawls. The mc is trying to remove the emotion from this by distancing by writing the questions and specifically asked if my ws would answer 3 or 4 questions this way. I think this is just a starting point. But I do agree w all of you - he should answer every question I have!! But where to start... Thanks friends it's great to be so cared about...


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

Wow - That is a bizzare thing for an MC to do.
I guess if your H is feeling unsafe that you are going to bolt no matter what he does this will help him feel safer, and hopefully will allow you to open the door, and ask more questions.

The real important questions are going to be for you to decide, the things that made a difference to me, that I had to know were....

1. Why her, what did she give you that made it ok for you to take that step, and do what you did to us, to me, for months and months and month?

2. Are you commited to making this right, and if so how are you planning on rebuilding our M, and my trust?

3. Have you even begun to consider the level of pain, and betrayal you have caused/comitted, what can I do to help you understand how you have broken me?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8218 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

There would only be one question for me...

1. Why should I remain married to a person who is not willing/able to be open and honest with me?

ETA: I understand that this is a "get the ball rolling" exercise. Still, I suggest that IC for your WH is called for as opposed to MC until your WH can answer all of your questions without limitation.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:35 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

lostcovenants, I know you're looking for concrete questions...and I'll attempt to lay out some, but I have to chime in with everyone else, starting with jstbreathe, about this situation where your WS is agreeing to answer 3 questions.

You're trying to reconstruct this hidden life your WH created for himself over a period of...what?...years?...and you get three questions.

You know, there's a reason why the game "20 Questions" isn't "3 Questions", and that simple game is generally just trying to identify a single OBJECT.

My DDays were in '08, and if I had a question right now my fWH would answer it or try to remember whatever so he could. It's about helping you heal and doing what it takes to make that happen.

So, FWIW,

1. What is the full, expanded timeline of your infidelities, including who, what, where, when, and why? When on the calendar and clock; where on the map, in the building, on the furniture, on his body and the AP's body; what were you thinking, doing, saying, feeling, and hearing, and having done to you; who were you with and who else saw you or knew you were cheating; and why did you think you were entitled to break your vows not only to me but before God? (I add the "God" part because I saw LDS post.)

2. What is your detailed action plan for change to ensure you never venture down this devastating path ever again?

3. Other than vows and the marriage license (which you've ignored and therefore negated by your choices), what are top reasons why you want to reconcile this relationship and the top reasons why you think I should try to work together with you to reconcile this relationship?


I had a scorched-earth mentality, lostc; I was a great, loving, fun, understanding...blahblahblah...wife. I was never a "no, you can't go do something with friends" person. All it got me was a utterly decimated heart and sense of trust not only in the relationship and my spouse but in a far expanded sphere. So I really was at a point of, "f*ck it!". If it makes you uncomfortable, suck it up, buttercup...I'm not the one who brought us to this point. Where I'd previously done more to smooth the waters, I didn't.

Find your anger. YOU are the one who was wronged here, and HE is the one who needs to help you heal. If he is unwilling or unable to do that, you can't make him, any more than you can make the clock spin backwards and erase what he did. You are worthy of a spouse who treats you with respect.

p.s. - edited to add that I just saw your addendum...this was written while you were posting that (I'm sllllow!).

[This message edited by sad12008 at 9:11 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3861 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
sosorry5454rl
Member
Member # 37637
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I second what Aubrie said!!


WW(me) 41
BH 50 (5454real)
Married 10 years
Currently in R and plan to stay there and succeed
DD 21, DS 19, SS 22, DS 8, DGS 2

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2012
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

I actually disagree, based on an assumption

If your wh withdraws and there are three questions at a time, be he really thinks about them and answer honestly. That's better than 3000 half assed answers.

1. What did you say to yourself to justify what you were doing?

2. What are you going to achieve to ensure this does not happen again?

3. How come you did not end our relationship?

Good luck,

I know specifics are tempting but for me these type of questions provided me with much more information, heartbreak and hope for the future


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
cluless
Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 24th (Thursday)

You know what irritates me? It's when WS or other people get "tired" of the questions. These questions are part of the recovery process. I can see limiting questions on a poly-graph but NOT with your WS.

You will stop asking questions, when you feel satisfied with the answers your are getting. So I'm curious, WHY would the MC limit you to 3 questions? MC in a rush or something?

Okay now that I've read, when a BS is reluctant to talk, at least in the case of mine it was due to 1) didn't want to hurt my feelings; 2) Embarrassment; and 3) his greatest fear was to lose me. With that said, THAT is not your problem! First things first, if your WS wants to save the marriage, then READ! There is so many helpful comments in the healing library and under each category for the BS & WS. I kept sending one a day to my WH UNTIL he saw that FULL transparency is the ONLY way for ME to begin healing. If you get TT, then it starts over, each and every time you get more info. It's NOT fair to you, and since the WS is the one that committed the crime, they must do the time!

All the questions asked above was asked the FIRST time I talked to him about it. And I've asked each one again and again. It's a process, sometimes the WS doesn't even know the answer to some of these questions. But to answer your most dire question... it was because WS THOUGHT they could get away with it.....

[This message edited by cluless at 10:25 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I was hoping your MC was just starting with 3 questions. It may just work.

I like this from Dreamboat;

2) what are you willing to do to restore my faith in you so that I may trust you again?

You could reword it to something like

What specifically are you willing to do to R?

That could open up a good conversation and even give you opportunities to negotiate what he'll do. For one example, if he doesn't mention NC, you can ask him to include it.

I think you should also ask something like,

How will we know if you're doing the things you say you'll do?

If he commits to doing things you can't measure and observe, you'll have no way of knowing if he's meeting his commitments. If you can measure his progress, you'll always know where you are on the path to R.

The important thing is for you to get the answers to your Questions. Since he has the answers, IMO he's got a right to help shape the way the questions are asked and answered. If he won't answer, though, he's not a great candidate for R.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions. Why are you not entitled to the whole truth and to ask as many questions as you need, for as long as you feel you need to?

I agree with this wholeheartedly!
YOU are the betrayed spouse, yet your WS and "MC" are dictating terms to you?
That seems backwards to me.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6358 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I had an IC who said to ask one at a time, one in a day, or one in a fairly long period because everyone involved has to digest it.

I noticed when we did "talk", and if I asked many questions, he would get glassy eyed or defensive and tend to not reply. And, the lies came out more, but the trouble is sometimes when NC is broken, a flood of questions come out that a BS cannot help. That's my two cents.

So, my three would be...

1.) When you decided to not be with me anymore and then not be married anymore, why could you not have told me, instead of everyone else?

2.) Why could you not end our marriage with dignity when you were unhappy and before you solicited other women, so that the rest of our lives could be lived in dignity and our children without this over our heads forever?

3.) On the first day you met me 20 years ago, when we were kids, why did we not get the same thing, so that when you decided that you would live our life lying to me, I was deciding to live our life giving you the gift of truth?

ETA, this wreaks of compartmentalization!!!

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 1:33 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2200 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

For me, only being allowed 3 questions would be a deal breaker. It should be the whole truth, and ask many questions as you need to ask for as long as you need to ask them. It sounds like your WS is trying to call the shots. Please don't allow him to disrespect you like that. He should be working hard to help you heal, and doing what YOU need.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 573 | Registered: Jul 2011
whiteflower99
Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

1. What did you tell yourself to make it ok for you to do this over and over?

2. Was it only selfishness that motivated you or something else?

3. Why should I trust that this is not going to happen again ?

(Assuming you already know who where when and how)


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

If, after what you have put me through, I am only "allowed" to ask 3 questions......where do you intend to live after you answer questions 2 and 3?

Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

The first question you should ask is of the MC and it should be "Where can I get a new MC?"


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
welcome14
Member
Member # 26741
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I don't know, maybe the MC has something with letting him open up slowly in a safe place. I never had the option of MC because the WXF was a runner, and never faced what he did. I think I would ask
1. if he thought that he loved me during the affair, how does he view love if it allows you to decimate your purpoted loved one?
2. Would you ever feel safe if I had done this to you? What would that safety look like?
3. If you had it to do over again, would you do the same thing knowing the pain it caused?
Course, liars lie and I don't know if I would ever believe the answers anyway.


Nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home- nikki sixx

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.


Posts: 1173 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: clarksville, tn/ Ft Campbell
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

What everybody else has said...(sorry, it's all been said).

But, immediately after dday, I guess these would be the first three.

1. Why, what made you break our marriage covenants, promises, respect, compromise our family, hurt me and your daughters and risk EVERYTHING?

2. How can I every trust you again? Be very damn specific.

3. Why should I keep you in my and our daughters life, in other words, what are you going to do to prove you're worthy?

If these had already been answered, I'd ask. Where was I at the moment you first screwed that scum bastard. I want to know exactly what I was doing at that time and where I was. How did you feel after that first screwing and how could you look at me in the eye afterwards? Sorry, I've still got some pretty strong feelings, I feel better now.


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

You all have given me a lot to think about. Thank you! I even got to chuckle a bit - haven't done that in a long while.

I really do think this is the way the MC has chosen to make my WS feel "safe" enough to answer my questions. I feel a little healed just knowing I can do this!

I feel like that scene from Indiana jones when the nazi drinks out of the wrong "holy grail" and he dies horribly and the knight says "he choose poorly ". I want to "choose wisely"

Any more suggestions?


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

REALLY? You GET to ask THREE questions?

Someone took a wrecking ball to your heart, soul, psychi, and life and you GET to ask THREE questions?

1) Do you want our NEXT marriage counselor to be male or female? Because we're done with this bitch.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

1) Why are you the one being Molly coddled instead of me, the BW who has had her M, her future and her dreams ripped away because of the choices you made?

2) How come you were "big man with two women" during the A but now are such a baby that you can't answer questions without handholding?

3) In light of your inability to man up and face the consequences of your choices, why should I give you another chance?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

The first question you should ask is of the MC and it should be "Where can I get a new MC?"

I wouldn't want a referral from this idiot.

If, after what you have put me through, I am only "allowed" to ask 3 questions......where do you intend to live after you answer questions 2 and 3?

Yeah, I like this one. The original post on this thread took me out at the knees.

As my tag line says: Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit.

Sorry in advance...I can't believe I triggered like this. My ex wouldn't answer questions. That's part of why he's an ex, among a multitude of other things.

Maybe he's ashamed of what he did. I don't know. Maybe he's protecting the OW. I don't know. But YOU are entitled to the TRUTH, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. How in the world are HIS feelings more important than yours?


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

My attitude totally aligns with Holly's. Matter of fact....one of my biggest mantra's to stbx throughout all of this was: "if you were *man* enough to do all this shit, then you sure as hell better be *man* enough to talk about it!"

So I had a MC that wanted to make my WS 'comfortable' enough to start getting to the root of things. It.Was.A.Disaster.

I will make a prediction right now:
You will ask your 3 questions. Your WH will answer them in the most tip-toe-y way that he can.....and then when you have MORE questions -- and you WILL -- he will say "MC said I only had to answer 3 QUESTIONS!!!!! And I DID. Now all you're doing by continuing to dwell on this, LC, is keeping us dooowwwwnnnn and we need to move forward!!!!"

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 8:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I guess my first question would have to be why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions
This is what leapt to my mind, too.

WTH gives him the idea that he's calling the shots?

If limited to 3 questions, I'd ask:

1. Why does he think he only needs to answer 3 questions?
2. Why should I invest even another minute working on a marriage with a man who values his lies and secrets more than me?
3. what is the point of marriage counseling, if he's not remorseful and committed to doing what it takes to repair the damage he's done?

I would not play this game.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8558 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

1) can you please provide me with a timeline of the affair and include who (all of the whos and who knew about the affairs as well), what EXACTLY happened, where it happened, and when things started/ended?

2) if I had done this to you, would you be able to forgive me and what would you ask of me in order for you to heal?

3) how did you look at me everyday knowing that you were lying to my face?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Patchy
Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I can't tell you exactly what to ask, but I want to caution you about what you ask. I'm the kind of person who triggers over "everything". I trigger about places I know they went, and one is particularly painful because it's in the city where he and I courted.

I learned I really wanted vague answers when it comes to where they went, so basically I know "parks" and "coffee places". Of course that makes every park a trigger to some degree and I don't want to go on any dates or anything to a park. For now. (Plus Dday 2 happened at a park.)

Anyway, you have to think about what things you would be crushed to know and would have a really hard time getting past, like if they had sex, what positions. Do you really need to know specifics?

The experts say "full disclosure" is very important to your healing. It keeps him from having "secrets with her" that you'll never know, and which keep him bonded to her in some ways. It keeps him more accountable if certain things he shares are things you can watch for in the future. And there a myriad of other reasons I can't remember reading about when I decided I needed more info from him.

One thing I for sure wanted to know were dates. When did it start, how many times did they see each other, etc.

I wanted to know who initiated things. She did. She was the first to tell him she was attracted to him and had apparently already been flirting with him and he wasn't cluing in for a long time. And when he gave her a hug after they went to a movie together early on, she said, "Is that all I get?" The next time they were together he kissed her for the first time, the day after our 22nd Anniversary.

I remember months later being ridden with the "how could you do this to me" question. So after falling apart for the zillionth time, sitting on the bathroom floor I asked him. He had already answered that question, but that time he answered it in a different way than before and it really made a difference. He reminded me of where he was at mentally, how he had no hope for our marriage and how lonely he was.

It was so boggling trying to grasp all of that since on our anniversary he had given me a card in which he wrote that he wanted to breathe me in for the rest of his life.

I knew there were some issues, and I was trying to work on some things o my end, but I had zero clue he was THAT much in despair and feeling so hopeless about our marriage. Woulda been nice had he made that more clear BEFORE the A, but . . . whatever.

Anyway, so aside from the fact that he "should" have told me all that before, while those things had certainly come up in conversation, the way he expressed it that night when I sat on the floor in a big mess, somehow helped a little . . . with that specific question anyway.

I guess the fact that he's willing to answer three questions is good if it's the best he can offer right now, but if he is never willing to answer anymore in the future, I have a hard time believing he's ready to truly confess, be remorseful and do whatever it takes to fix this.

So I hope this is just a baby step to more. Good luck.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
newbeg2011
Member
Member # 31892
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Lost
I am the WH and this exact thing happened to my wife 0115. My fear for you is that your MC like ours is not understanding the true extent of your pain. Our MC said 0115 could ask questions then she needed to move on from the pain. He said she was stuck.
I look back at that in huge regret. She was barely 3-4 months since DDay. She felt betrayed twice the first time by me then her MC because he was not helping her heal . There can be no limits except what YOU put on it. You can't possibly know every question you need answer today. And even when you think your done you will still want to hear it again to see if it changes.
I learned that the more times she could ask and vent she healed. It was less that she was holding in. And her pain is what really helped me understand the depth of my actions. I hate who I was every day.
If possible I would say the more calm and active you both are when you ask him the questions may help him. Like a walk or a drive ? And if you can remain calm through the answers. It might make him feel safe to answer. Some WH stop because they panic before they get it out. And think they are making it worse by telling the whole truth. When in reality they are still protecting them selves.
I pray you get what you need to heal.


Never forget what I have done to BS but don't let guilt make me quit. STAY IN THE FIGHT ! ! !
WS 47 me
BS 47 her
5 Great Children
DD 1/15/11

Posts: 213 | Registered: Apr 2011
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I CERTAINLY understand how it is unbelievable for you to have to choose only 3 questions. I get that it seems out of whack.

But, one of the marriage coundselors we went to said that I could have 10 minutes per week to "talk" or ask questions. This was because my husband was totally overwhelmed when I would ask so much. That was it. 10 minutes per week. It pissed me off royally! I had been stiffled for so long by my WH not talking that questions were literally bubbling out of me. No way in hell would I settle for only 10 minutes per week.

BUT...in retrospect -

That was 4-5 YEARS ago. We are still not talking. When I think of 10 minutes per week for 5 years - (excuse me one second) that is 2600 minutes of asking questions. It is 43.3 hours.

Looking back, 10 minutes a week sounded like a drop of water for someone dying of thirst - but if I had accepted that perameter, I think I would be in a whole different marriage today.

As I said earlier - I would be very tempted to take a step back on what is RIGHTFULLY yours - all the damn questions you can ever think of - and take it one step at a time to see if it works.

After all, it is not so much about winning or losing, or even total fairness in the process - but the outcome.

JMHO.

I wish you luck!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Okay - this is what I think I am going with. The mc said 3 or 4. I tried to get down to three - but you all had such great ideas! I have plagiarized heavily

1. Describe the pain you believe I am in, what I think about, what hurts me, what triggers my pain and anguish, what my self-worth is like now.

2. If I had done this to you, would you be able to forgive me and what would you ask of me in order for you to heal?

3. What specifically are you willing to do to restore my faith in you, rebuild our marriage, regain my trust, and help me heal?

4. What is the full, expanded timeline of your infidelities, including who, what, where, when, and why? (by this I mean ALL physical and emotional and online cheating and inappropriate communication/flirting/touching/sex with other women – what you hid and did not want me to know since we first met.)

I am really nervous about that last one...

Remember the mc is I believe using this as a starting point !


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I would *strike* #2......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

Looking back, 10 minutes a week sounded like a drop of water for someone dying of thirst - but if I had accepted that perameter, I think I would be in a whole different marriage today.

Not necessarily. Our MC soon after dday had MrH set up limitations too. I get that WSs might need that. What it taught MrH is that he had a right to control my healing. Before we met with the MC, MrH was in Iraq. When we chatted online he'd answer any question I wanted. I was healing much faster then.

I had told him I had done the shoving under the rug after 1A and this time he was not dictating terms. But then he had the backing of the MC. And in answering questions, he technically wasn't sweeping under the rug.

Now, I am in limbo.

I think if the MC is going to suggest parameters about A recovery, then the MC must also have a solid plan for lifting them and giving control back to the BS sooner rather than later.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

I wouldn't ask questions under that agreement. I would simply tell him until he was ready to answer all questions he could find a new place to sleep.

Your MC is putting you in an inferior position by allowing your husband to control what truths he gives you.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

I would really appreciate any last insight. I have the questions typed out just working up my nerve...


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Stronger4it
New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Scrap #2. You will have another opportunity, further along to ask this.

And you should be nervous about #4. I'm almost a year out from DD, and I thought I wanted "the timeline". Even did it in MC, for support. I got the 'how it started' and when the first time was. Awful. Awful. I'm back to pain.

Some people need it and it works for them. Helps them heal. Not me. I'm bailing on the timeline. Maybe get him to write it out (so he can face it) and not read it? Or, get a small detailed section and decide if you can stomach the rest?


Good luck.


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Yup- scrap #2. It's one of those questions we think we know the answer to until it happens to us.

Not only that, but since he has to be babied through this he will answer in a self serving way. Why? Because getting into an A is selfish and it's apparent that he's still in the wayward mindset. It's likely that he will insist on some form of rugsweeping, claiming he wouldn't want to be reminded of the pain.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

I asked my xh your 2nd question. I'll never forget where we were when I asked.... that would be driving together to have lunch on our 36th wedding anniversary.... his answer? "I'd have kicked your a@@ out of the house." Maybe that's what he expected me to do when I found out about his A - which would have made it far easier for him to leave since he didn't have the guts to do it early on. But I didn't. Instead, I put up with 6 months of TT, lies, he would swear to me or our daughters he was done with the bimbo then be on the phone with her 20 minutes later. Or sending her gifts. And sending her money. Also: my first thought about only 3 questions was to find a new MC. IMO, if this does not start the ball rolling with transparency from your WS, I WOULD find another MC who wouldn't let him be the baby he's acting like now. He had balls enough to have an affair but doesn't have guts enough to face up to the destruction he caused ?


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

I think the questions you have are fine (agree scrap #2 - its different for everyone, including him)

I am not in R and there is no hope of R, which is probably a good thing for me. I no longer have questions so much as a statement:

Tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I reserve my right to question after that.

For me I don't know the truth so questions are like a shot in the dark when I don't know what, who, when, how many. My X was/is a master liar by omission so if I didn't ask the question 'just' right I wouldn't get the truth or even a portion of the truth.

I hope your WH can be honest and forthcoming.

I too worry that he will use this as a 'three questions and I am out of answering more' loop hole.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Well I gave WS a file folder w questions 1, 3, and 4 this morning. I said here are those questions. He said why didn't you give this to me before (he could tell I had printed it Friday) I said I had to get my nerve up. We had a good weekend. He answered a few questions for me one night w no problems. Yesterday his extended family was meeting at the restaurant where my WS met MOW for the first time. He knew I never wanted to go in there again. But asked if I wanted to go and I went. I think he appreciated my effort. Hopefully he will respond fully to the questions. Thanks for all your help friends - what would I do without SI?


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 31st (Thursday)


Well the saga continues. My WH said I had asked "16" questions not the "3" that the MC suggested. I explained that I wanted to make sure he understand what I was asking - that there would be no mistake. So I simplified and resent this:

These are the three questions rephrased as we discussed. My original questions were longer as I was trying to explain what truth I was asking for. This is the jest of those three questions.


1. What do you believe my pain is like?

2. What are you willing to do to help me heal?

3. How have you cheated on me since we first met?

We have had a very stressful week with one of our grown children so that was all we discuss with the MC. WH has been very busy and is flying to a funeral (I encouraged him to go) for the next four days. I will be very surprised if he puts any though into the questions during that time.

I can wait - as I am hopeful this will be a huge step forward for me - IF he actually "gets it"!


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Wow. This response is dishonest and sounds like the response of a guy who will never accept responsibility for his actions.... Do you really want to stick with this guy?

Have you considered the 180? (See Healing Library, BS FAQS #11.)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I think his whinging is proof that he hasn't gotten it and likely won't. I've been there. I kept lowering my expectations because there was always something that MUST be done before my healing was faced.

Here I am, 7yrs out and I have no expectations of my M. MrH recently told friends that he knows when I get a job I will be setting aside money so I can leave. The quintessential "walk away wife".

IME and from what I've witnessed for years on SI, this babying will eventually become rug sweeping...as that's pretty much what it is. It keeps the door open for the next A because he doesn't have to face the reality of what he's done.

Basically
DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11131 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Well, he's gone for three days at a funeral. He has called, texted and sent pictures, which I really appreciate. Last month on a work trip he wasn't very available...

If you have read my earlier posts you know he had broken off the A before I found out, but has told me he's not sure if he wants to stay married as he was so unhappy. So, limbo for me. I have told him the longer he takes to decide the more I feel disconnected from him.

The night before his trip, he told me he thought we were going to make it. We will see..


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 158 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

On October 24th, I predicted this:
he will say "MC said I only had to answer 3 QUESTIONS!!!!!

And now, one week later:

My WH said I had asked "16" questions not the "3" that the MC suggested

......it begins......

LC, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If your WH really wanted to take that *drink*, then he wouldn't have been parsing out just exactly how many questions were contained in your request and *calling you out* about it.

My next prediction lies here:

I have told him the longer he takes to decide the more I feel disconnected from him.

Keep telling him this and I predict that he'll start whining about how you keep *threatening* to leave him or he'll start accusing *you* of 'not being *in* on R'.

Your WH doesn't *get it*. His actions are inconsistent. Sure, now he's staying in contact with you....but he wasn't on his work trip last week. His underlying attitude sucks.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7925 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

1. Why only 3 questions?
2. What makes you think 3 questions
are all I need to ask?
3. Can I get my money back?


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

he's not sure if he wants to stay married as he was so unhappy.

Now it makes sense why your MC is pursuing the path you are on (I haven't seen your earlier posts). Sadly, your marriage is hanging on by a thread so your MC's options are really limited. Hopefully the three questions will begin a meaningful dialogue to get your WH engaged again with the marriage and underlying issues.

I'm sorry to say, but getting your WH to feel your pain my not necessarily be the best path right now. He probably feels his pain is worse than yours and you're the one not getting it. I know this sounds backwards, but it may be what he is thinking. This may sound unfair, but if you want to save your marriage, you may have to give priority to the marriage problems and pre-affair issues before your own healing; but, it sounds like you're doing some of that.

I'm so sorry you are in this very difficult place. I can imagine how painful it must be. You may be able help yourself to a certain degree by reading some infidelity and relationship building books.

As a place to get started, I strongly recommend, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and The Five Love Languages by Chapman.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5637 | Registered: Aug 2007
Topic Posts: 52