Topic: Finding yourself again, living your life while Divorcing
Member # 39036
| Posted: 9:44 AM, October 24th (Thursday)|
What kinds of things did you do (besides consuming entire bottles if wine ) while going through the Divorce process that helped you reclaim your identity or settle into your new life post-marriage?
I'm 36, living with my parents again, and have an 8 month old baby. I find myself sulking a lot and feeling like the same teenager who used to lock herself in her room and listen to Nirvana. My parents hover over me and I miss my freedom, even though they are helping with DS 24/7.
I'm looking for a yoga studio I can go to daily so there is that. What helped you transition? Find happiness again? Enjoy those around you without being a big Debbie Downer?
[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:10 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.
Posts: 311 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39885
| Posted: 10:48 AM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I've surrounded myself with family and friends. I spend hours a day on the phone. I reached out to co workers and now consider them friends. I looked up old friends and reached out. You can't hide from what you feel. Paste a smile on your face and allow yourself to get lost in conversation. When you feel down it is ok to lock yourself in your room and listen to Nirvana. And always remember that it will get better.
D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.
Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 37215
| Posted: 10:57 AM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I also reconnected with family and friends, started going to church, going back to school, reading, reading, reading every single book I could find about healing, infidelity, abandonment, rebuilding your life, etc.
Yoga sounds like an excellent start NewMom0220!!
Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!
Posts: 1721 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 26864
| Posted: 11:07 AM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I really focused on my boys. We have always been close but now our bond is super strong. I also got back into things that I gave up that I didn't have time for. I love languages and I am teaching myself my fourth and favorite language (Russian) with the help of several Russian friends. I spend more time working at Friends of Kids with Cancer as a volunteer. And sometimes I get to just sit in my pjs and read a book without someone complaining that I am "wasting time" on a boook, books are stupid.
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9
"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC
"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"
Posts: 1229 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
Member # 21634
| Posted: 11:12 AM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I have consumed so much wine that I swear I could build a small house with the corks!! Outside of that, I visit alot with friends and family whenever I can. I try to focus on the future by looking for rentals/homes to buy in the future. I scan websites looking for new paint colors and bedding and stuff like that. Even though I don't know if I will be able to afford those things, it's a bit of dreaming and planning. I exercise. I have been purging things I have collected over the years.
Keep yourself busy!!! Try to live in the present and plan for the future. You will get there.
BS - ME 43
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"
Posts: 808 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Member # 38377
| Posted: 11:18 AM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I could have written almost your entire post, down to the Nirvana and hovering parents
Yoga is a great start! I tried to save my Debbie Downness for SI and put on my brave face for family and friends. You kinda gotta fake it till you make it.
I hit a turning point when I realized that I was so much more free than before. I could listen to whatever I wanted and record whatever shows I wanted and read whatever stupid magazines I wanted and there wasn't some douchebag judging me for it! Life really started opening up for me, and it will for you too.
ETA: Oh, and buying a new wardrobe after being on the infidelity diet helped me transition too. And replacing all my old cheap jewelry with new cheap jewelry..
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:19 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]
BW~ 34, Two DS~ 10 and 6
D-Day 9/2012, False R/S 10/2012, Filed D 11/2012, D Final ????
"Mama always told me that I should play nice, but she didn't know you when she gave me that advice." ~ The Band Perry
Posts: 1276 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 32258
| Posted: 2:20 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I have focused on my 2 children, started working out ALL the time, joined a new church, go out with my brother and friends at least twice a month, do things I always wanted to do like travel, renovate my house slowly over time and that's just the start.
The beginning is tough but it gets better and easier over time.
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014
Posts: 1438 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 33882
| Posted: 2:26 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I got into hot yoga...found a studio in my hometown and made the trek there every weekend I didn't have my dds. The studio felt safe because the ex had never been there, not did he know where it was. Now, I've moved back to my hometown and still go to yoga as often as I can. it's really been a huge help for me.
Other things I did were get rid of almost everything we had been given for our wedding, adn i bought replacements that made me happy. That's a spendy one though.
I bought new clothes, colored my hair, and got a tattoo ( ), all in the name of reinventing/rediscovering myself.
him (NPD Ex)
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
Posts: 2432 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 40141
| Posted: 2:59 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
Oh boy, our situations are so similar! I have a new baby and am living with my parents as well. They are a big help and I am so grateful for them- but I miss my own home and having space and privacy! I totally feel like a teenager again living with them.
My baby is only 6 weeks old so I am still getting settled in with her. But I have been trying really hard to think of what things I can start doing in the next couple months to get out more, find myself, have some activities other than work and hopefully meet some new people. So far all I have come up with is going the gym and taking yoga/pilates classes.
Is there anything you are interested in or used to be? I alway liked photography, so I think I will start looking into classes or groups for people with the same interest.
I hope people have other suggestions as well because I am really struggling with this.
M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D
Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Member # 35624
| Posted: 6:32 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Posts: 902 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Member # 36099
| Posted: 7:34 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I joined a divorce support group and from that I have developed a wonderful group of new friends. Best of all they all "get it". We were all at different places on our journey their support and advise has been invaluable.
Our group ended after 13 weeks and from there we've now known each other for 13 months and have continued to get together often.
I understand how hard it is to do much more than care for you and your baby. Now is the time to take care of you and Lil' Baby. There is much to process with a D let alone caring for your little one. Just take it at your own pace.
It may not be the time to add to much to your plate. Maybe you can file the idea of a support group away for now. And take advantage of the gift that your parents are giving you to heal and recover from all you've dealt with.
It will get better.
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren
Posts: 266 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 40268
| Posted: 7:42 PM, October 24th (Thursday)|
I am so sorry. One thing I did not do is drink , because this pain cannot be sugar coated or escaped! I dove into it! I hit the gym , jogged, bikram yoga( which is amazing) , started boxing again ( great release) , I cut everyone off and I mean everyone, I isolated myself till I heal! ( I don't recommend this unless it works for you? It does for me) I blast our songs and dive into the pain once a day if needed but not for long , less and less everytime . I focused only on my kids which is great. I too live with my parents , it is so degrading I have two homes and a successful business and haven't lived home in 20 years. But it is a temporary setback ! We will get past this. Stay positive and strong. I use the anger in positive ways. Divorce and infidelity sucks ! But some things we cannot control , and the poor decisions of others is one of them. Good luck , all the best. ( nirvana for hours too when I was a kid. Lol)
"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"
Posts: 562 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 34697
| Posted: 7:58 AM, October 25th (Friday)|
I really threw myself into running and therapy. I made myself be present with my child. I also spent a lot of time job searching (was a SAHM during divorce process).
Posts: 4037 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 32317
| Posted: 10:44 AM, October 25th (Friday)|
I don't mean to sound trite, but in retrospect, I learned that there was a degree of independence and freedom in nearly everything I was going though - even the "downer" stuff. For the first time in almost 20 years, all decisions were mine...for better or for worse, and I learned to embrace that. I hope you can, too, in your own day-to-day life.
(Decisions regarding our girls were and still are still "joint", but we had mostly seen eye-to-eye on that, and still do).
No more wondering where the money was going. No more being hostage to her relative happiness, or lack thereof. All me.
Again - I'm not trying to be dismissive of the hard parts you're going through. Hang in there - it gets better. For me, almost two years out, finding my peace, strength, and freedom from her bullshit feels wonderful.
One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return
Posts: 288 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
Member # 40115
| Posted: 5:11 PM, October 25th (Friday)|
I completely understand NM. My kids are older, but I'm looking forward to and at the same time dreading moving in with my parents. I'm so scared I'll turn back into a moody teenager.
I'm making plans for ME. I'm getting a job I'll hopefully enjoy. I'm joining groups for things that interest me, quilting, historical reenactment, whatever. All the things that I like that STBX didn't like or have time for. That's what I am doing to rediscover who I am as a person.
"One day I'm gonna forget your name,
And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain."
Posts: 780 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 35624
| Posted: 6:35 PM, October 25th (Friday)|
It happens ever so slowly.
Yoga is actually a great start. I've been doing that, and pilates actually since before dday, and have continued throughout multiple ddays.
Physical health and strength are so helpful during major life transitions, upheaval and loss.
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Posts: 902 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Member # 35229
| Posted: 2:45 AM, October 26th (Saturday)|
First thing I do was avoid booze like the plague for those first few months.
Then I threw myself into friends and hobbies I had deserted during that toxic M.
I also had a bookmark folder full of links to things that made me laugh my head off.
I kept 2 journals - one about the M and S/D (Old Life) and one about happy thinks (New Life - Current and Future).
It takes a while for the BS fog to lift. I realised I was intimidated by having so many options - one I selected a few goals and worked towards them it was not so scary anymore.
“If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too.” -Dr Seuss
Posts: 4124 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 40410
| Posted: 7:25 AM, October 26th (Saturday)|
I'm in my 30s (no children), living w a friend I've known forever, with literally nothing here that is mine except my pillows to sleep, car and clothes.
For a while, it really did impact my self esteem, as it was so hard for me to give up my home and my independence of the life we built and things. Still working on it!
One of the last things my best friend said to me was "Crab, tell me what you want, and I'll help you do that until one day you won't need help".
I immediately found that I had no idea what I wanted anymore, I was so co dependent and even then automatically my thoughts shifted to plan whatever would fit into WHs aceptable world.
Now it's a year later, a year since she's passed and since she said that, I'm finally finding my voice, understanding that this situation really is temporary and that I'm where I'm supposed to be for now while going through this D.
In the meantime, exercise has really helped me let go, starting to reach out to old friends (and finding they still care and want to see me!). My sibling and I are planning on traveling to visit cousins we haven't seen as well, so that will be good. I'm also getting into new challenges at work, which is fantastic to keep my mind busy and focus on what's best for me long term.
Volunteering has been a great thing as well, as no matter how badly I feel, there is always someone who has a situation that I cannot even fathom, living in my area that I'm blown away by. I've volunteered to help at food banks and at animal shelters and it's been very worthwhile.
I previously asked WH to go with me, even when he had his DUI I suggested we do his required community service together and pick something we could both do. (He had the option of submitting his own community service plan or let them pick for him and go alone). He let them pick and went alone.
I feel it was his loss.
Regarding parents, mine are the best people ever and I love them dearly but I understand the hovering you mentioned. They would literally do anything, wait on me hand and foot through this process, I think because they cannot do much about the tremendous pain they see and it's frustrating to them.
I cannot say I'm happy, but getting there. A big part of that has just been getting out and forcing myself to focus on me and do things, which haven't been fun at first, but are starting to be.
Hugs to all of you on this path with me!
Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40173
| Posted: 9:44 AM, October 26th (Saturday)|
Joining a new mom group would give you one outlet. One downside is that seeing moms that go home to husbands might be a trigger so tread lightly.
Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Divorcing, 3 children
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S
Posts: 309 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 18442
| Posted: 10:10 AM, October 26th (Saturday)|
I read a ton on here, baggage reclaim, my books, and I make sure I journal. I decided to not tell too many people as whinning or complaining much just keeps me in it and doesnt allow my friends to be drama free. seeing a counselor lets me get that stuff out.
spending alot of time with my kids helped me. I was giggling and smiling way more.
isolating oneself is never good to do long. as getting a lot of sunlight helps. I also made sure to take my vitamins so I got b6 and 12 to prevent depression and give me energy.
6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
3/14 D. 10 month marriage to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
Posts: 651 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 33698
| Posted: 3:20 PM, October 26th (Saturday)|
I talked my mom's ear off about my situation.
I went out with family and friends and reestablished a social life for myself.
I bought myself some new clothes and fabulous shoes (nothing too extravagant). Even a small purchase can be something special. XWH was always disapproving if I spent money on myself.
I recently joined a singing group; I haven't sung with a group in about seven years, so that has been lovely.
I go out and do things with my kids that XWH would have complained about. We have had some really fun outings without Donald Downer along.
When I got my own place, I decorated the bedroom in light, airy colors. My bedroom with XWH was so dark and masculine; my new bedroom is like a breath of fresh air. You might clip pictures out of magazines and save them for when you get your first new place; it will be fun to decorate however you want.
Yoga and meditation are great. I haven't done either in a while, but meditation especially really does help to calm my mind.
I hope you find something fun and uplifting to do. Even if you just take walks with your baby down to the local coffee shop and enjoy a great cup of coffee, establishing a new and fun or relaxing ritual really does help one to move on.
[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 3:21 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]
BS (Me) 39
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley
Posts: 3323 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 32729
| Posted: 6:10 PM, October 26th (Saturday)|
I truly feel for you! I also had to move home with my parents during my divorce yet I did not have a new child. I can't even imagine. Living with my parents was helpful, yes, but in someways I found it hard to grieve the way I needed to, it was like I was being watched. In retrospect though, I'm so thankful I had them during that incredibly difficult time. It allowed me to grieve without worrying about little things - even grocery shopping. I could kind of be in 'lala' land so to speak. I'm sure you'll appreciate the help too that they will be able to provide for the baby.
So, what did i do... well, for starters, I accepted help from others. I was overwhelmed and humbled by the outpour of love and support from family, friends and even strangers. Accept it, it helps and makes you realize how special you are and how strong you are.
Another thing I did? I celebrated myself each month and had a 'goal'. Everyone told me the first year is the hardest and that each month things would get a bit better. My DDay was on the 31st, and I couldn't STAND the pain, I just wanted to feel better.
SO, I knew that this was a marathon not a sprint. So I marked the 31st of each month (or earlier on months that ended earlier) and I 'celebrated' getting through another month! Go me! One down, only 11 to go, 10, 9, etc. until I knew I would feel better again. And I gave myself ONE goal each month - like to either sell the car, or something simple like, read a book, all kinds of mini goals and then I 'celebrated' getting through another month with a mani/pedi, etc.
I also went for really long walks. Like, for hours. I would turn pandora on and walk for hours - it helped me to think through things. I also did some writing to get the 'gunk out' so to speak.
The thing is, now is a hard time, yes, but it's a chance to really just focus on you and be selfish. Truly. Get to know yourself again and love on you. And wrap yourself up in your daughter :)
Sometimes it really is about getting through the next minute, let alone the day or week. I wish I could make it easier for you but the only way out is through. By properly allowing yourself to grieve too you'll be better, healthier and happier in the long run.
Good luck, you can do it and we are all cheering you on!
Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)
Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
|Topic Posts: 22|| |