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User Topic: Vote on my straw poll
hester
Member
Member # 12288
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Vote on my straw poll.
I've been divorced many months now. It still hurts when I think about it. I have a SO who adores me and we've been together 2 years. He is so kind to me and is a good man. He's was widowed 2 years before we met. We get on fine, there's just one problem....... I feel no chemistry. I'm 51. My heart tells me that this isn't enough to last on for the rest of my days. My head tells me that I should be counting my lucky stars and be thankful for what I have and that there aren't many second chances around at my age. What do others think?

Sorry for the typo!

[This message edited by hester at 6:35 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 370 | Registered: Oct 2006
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I was almost 46 when I met my SO, and I'm 49 now. I knew coming from my marriage that I wasn't going to settle for a lackluster sex life ever again. I'd rather be in no relationship than in one where there's no chemistry. If SO and I hadn't been compatible in the bedroom, I wouldn't have kept seeing him. Life's too short.

I know that I am a truly lucky woman. My SO adores me, I adore him, and we have chemistry galore. Life is good.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12124 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

If after 2 yrs, if it doesn't feel right or enough then time to move on. There is still some personal healing to do.

I'm 57 and no way do I want to settle and certainly not because it might be my last chance.
Do you think your "hurt feelings" of your marriage are holding you back from loving someone else ?
I personally don't think I could be in a new relationship with any strong negative or positive feelings toward FT or our marriage/divorce.
I don't like what he did to me, our family, and that I'm not finacially ok because of his actions but he's part of my past and the rest of my life is mine. Maybe I will be alone or be blessed with the person that deserves to be in my life. I don't know.
Right now my plate is full and I'm struggling to make up for years I didn't work so maybe I can retire.
Just don't settle.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20323 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

Fixed your typo for you .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36709 | Registered: Sep 2007
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I will never, ever, ever again settle for a relationship in which I don't feel that deep-seated chemistry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9319 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I think chemistry can develop to a degree but if it isn't there by the two year mark, it's probably not going to show up.

Like the other posters, it's something I wont compromise on again (I'm almost 46). It's important for me to have.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15363 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 24th (Thursday)

I am 53 and am long distance platonic friend with a man that is a widow of 1 year and 62. He is a great person. All the character qualities one would want in a friend or lover.

But, I feel NO chemistry. N.O.N.E. Then I think of the 1800's when you partnered with someone so you would not die, and love grew over time? Was that fake back then?

Or is all this chemistry overblown?

I am ready to be a nun!!


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2609 | Registered: Jan 2010
newnormal
Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Just rule out safety as the basis for your relationship.

First m was physically abusive. Second I always said hes a nice man, productive member of society but I had to teach him everything he knows. I went 180 in H choices, but it was just a bad.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I had this conversation with an OLD guy.

I was saying that I still believe the best is yet to come, etc.

He said "Not me....I would be happy just to be with some who I was content with, that I could co-exist with and not get on each other's nerves." He said he long ago gave up on finding soul mate sorta relationship and would he happy just to settle with someone compatible.

I thought that was very sad. He has never been married so I am not sure he ever really experienced that type of magic at all.

However - I know many people who are like this. They opted to be in a safe, stable relationship with someone they do not feel any real deep, rip-off-their-clothes type of passion, etc.

So back to your real question/vote; I am not at the point of giving up the dream of Mr Ideal for Mr Safe just yet.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2015 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I'm 60 and would rather spend the rest of my life in my own very pleasing company than be stuck with a "meh" relationship.

But I'm beginning to realize I'm an oddball that way. Most people need and want to partner up with others.

I seem to have other priorities, and I'm fine with not having to shove those aside in order to cater to someone else.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17177 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Ann124
Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 25th (Friday)

After my marriage of 25 years ... I could and wouldn't settle.

I need and what I want for myself out weighs being in a poor relationship. With that being said I would rather be alone and live life to my fullest then to settle for something that doesn't give me great pleasure.


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
fraeuken
Member
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I am 44 and after having experienced what true chemistry can do, I also would rather be alone than settle for a relationship without it.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1232 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Safety smacks of codependency to me.

I'll never settle again.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 25th (Friday)

If I wanted a friend for a partner, with no sexual sparks...I would have simply stayed with my ex. That was on the table, just stay married since we were good in many ways, and have outside sexual relationship.

Nope.

I believe I can find the whole package...that is what I want. I don't want to settle for companionship, I want fireworks AND companionship.

Otherwise, I'll be fine alone. At least I don't have to worry or compromise and can pretty much lead my life they way I want to.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4055 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 25th (Friday)

My heart tells me that this isn't enough to last on for the rest of my days.
Listen to your heart. It IS really nice to have someone you can trust and talk to and feel comfy with, but that is a bff's job. The ONE thing your mate can do for you that no one else is "supposed" to do is to provide the intimate connection that can only come from a physical connection.

If you don't get it from him, where will you get it from? Do you really want to go without for the next 50 years of your life?

Sex isn't everything, but it is an important part of a serious, intimate, satisfying relationship. I couldn't do without some type of physical connection.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15119 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hit-by-a-train
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I couldn't settle for a lukewarm love relationship with
my best (male) friend again....had that with my dear late husband for all but the first year of marriage.

Thank God I have all the fireworks I could have ever asked for with my SO now AND a best friend connection too!

But.....my SO is a rotten kisser, so if I had tried to predict our chemistry based upon his closed mouth pecks on my lips, I would have not gotten it right! And he turned out to be the best lover I ever had.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Grief & joy coexist.

Posts: 2279 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
hester
Member
Member # 12288
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Thank you all for the responses. That's a pretty consensus view from all of you.... I think so far I have my answer. Now to pluck up the courage and pick the time.

[This message edited by hester at 6:02 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 370 | Registered: Oct 2006
Topic Posts: 17