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Reconciliation
User Topic: ow left her H a few months into their A
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Just want some feedback from some experienced reconcilers. The OW was married when my H and she began their A. They cried on each others shoulders about how shitty their spouses were, which led to the main and initial justification for the A (which is painful and bullshit). She left her H, with a lie, not the truth about the A, after a few months, while my H told her she 'better not be leaving him for my H' because he was 'never leaving his family' (me and the boys). Initially he took a lot of pride in making that statement over and over - as if that would mean anything good to me at all. He understands now how that is meaningless to me.

My concern is with all the posters here who advocate that the other BS should know the truth. We have had absolutely no contact from her for nearly 7 months, so I am certainly not looking to bring her back into our lives by calling her ex or anything like that (although I'd love to hear if anyone genuinely and reflectively believes that is something I could/should do and why).

My concern now that pops up is wondering if that act means something that I don't understand. Does it mean their love was more real than other affairs? Do I have more risk of the A re-sparking because of these factors? or my H?

I just have a lot of fear and hate popping up pretty strongly right now and am looking for an outside perspective.

Thanks for taking the time to read about the crazy contents of my traumatized mind.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Does it mean their love was more real than other affairs? Do I have more risk of the A re-sparking because of these factors? or my H?
No, I don't feel it means their llluuurrrvvvv was more real. I feel that the OW was looking for an exit affair, though, and really hoping that her magical golden va jay jay was going to lure your WH away. Some people really "need" other people to lean on and can't stand on their own two feet, doesn't mean love though, means that they are weak and needy.

If your WH is remorseful and doing the work on himself that needs to be done so this never happens again, no I don't feel he is at any greater risk to be starting up the affair again.

In general, I believe the OBS should know the truth. There are a few extenuating circumstances that I feel are legitimate reasons to not tell. In your situation, I do feel like you should let the ex know the truth. He has a right to know the truth. Hopefully that wouldn't cause OW to break NC with you and your WH. We have no idea what kind of a husband the OBS was. Only the perspective of someone who was lying and cheating, usually not very truthful about their spouses. He may have no idea why his marriage broke up. He may be blaming himself. I feel he has right to know the truth about his marriage. It is odd that three people know the truth about his marriage, and yet he is in the dark, but it is/was his marriage.

(((eachdayisvictory)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Initially he took a lot of pride in making that statement over and over - as if that would mean anything good to me at all. He understands now how that is meaningless to me.
I wanted to comment on this, too. Yes, my FWH made the same statement to the AP in our sitch. Told AP repeatedly and from the get go that he would never leave me. What a guy! My hero! *swoon*


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Does it mean their love was more real than other affairs?

In my opinion, no, it doesn't mean that their love was real at all. All that it says to me is that she gambled that if she left her husband first then your husband would eventually follow her lead and leave you too. I think it's likely that she tried to make herself an easy option for him to choose, especially if she then could offer him her own place that he could just move into. All of it making it easier for your husband to leave you. It says nothing to me about whether their 'love' was 'real' or not, just that she wanted it to be and she made a serious attempt to take it further by making it easier for your husband to leave you too. I think her leaving when she did was a tactic - she was playing to win.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:14 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Hell yeah sistermilkshake!! Actually smiled as I read your responsel, not something I do often when sorting through my shit here. I hadn't thought about the point you made about three people knowing about his M and him not. That's shit.

I have decided not to so far because of the fear that she will break NC. I'm also afraid that in some dark recess of my mind, I'm looking for some drama. There's something to be said for the numbness of time and repair, as things settle into a 'normal-ish' kind of life, it's almost preferable to feel and talk about the pain all the time. But I know I don't really want that in the long run.

I would love to know more details about why you think in this situation specifically the OBS should know.

Also, would this be something recommended to do openly with the fWS? I can't see him agreeing that it is a good idea in any way or agreeing to it, but if I did it in secret he may find out anyway if the OBS contacts him.

Fuck, I do not want any contact from that bitch's side of life. Really, that may be my priority.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 25th (Friday)

thanks sinsofthefather, cried when I read that. I think I just needed to hear from someone that their love wasn't real.

The love they described contains the most intense and lasting pain for me, more than all the disgusting intimacy and betrayal, it's the loss of believing I was loved and respected in my home during their A. Hurts, hurts, hurts.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I can see your point about not contacting in your situation.
Are you 100% sure that the affair is over and there is no contact? The other spouse is also contacted to monitor possible contact (the two sets of eyes and ears theory).


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 25th (Friday)

eachdayisvictory,

The love they described

didn't even exist in the real world so how can it be real love? That's my honest opinion. It all started and ended with lies on both their parts, they were both showing each other the very worst parts of themselves. They were full of self pity, and self righteousness regarding their spouses, but (to use an SI phrase I love) they only blew rainbow farting unicorns towards each other. They didn't deal in real life out in the sunshine - they dealt in delusion in the shadows. How is that real?

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:25 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 25th (Friday)

RAINBOW FARTING UNICORNS!!!!! That's my first time hearing that one, it's now part of my vocabulary forever!!


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I can believe that they had a ridiculous fake love all I want, but it's my fWH's thoughts about that love that matter to me now. We have been advised by books (from this site's healing library and IC and MC) that the BS asking about that 'love' is generally not a good idea. They say that it sets up the BS for pain, and the WS to either inflict that pain or lie - because the FEELINGS they had may have been real and may be something the fWS will deal with for the rest of their lives. Yet I hear the opposite on this forum a lot; like the only way to fully R is for the WS to see that love as fake too. Just don't know what basket I should put all my eggs in.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 25th (Friday)

He may have no idea why his marriage broke up. He may be blaming himself. I feel he has right to know the truth about his marriage. It is odd that three people know the truth about his marriage, and yet he is in the dark, but it is/was his marriage.

^^This. He should be made aware. Like they say the BS is the last to know,

[This message edited by shiloe at 10:55 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 25th (Friday)

If she left, they are probably going through a divorce. Without the information that she was unfaithful, she may get more from the divorce than someone that cheats would normally get. Even in many Ďno faultí states, infidelity is looked down upon and often results in a lesser settlement for the unfaithful partner.

This poor guy was cheated on, his wife left, and now he may lose more of his assets to her because heís in the dark. Thatís why I think he should know.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Also, the OBH may be working for R, especially if ow gives up on your H joining her in fantasyland.

I used to be adamant about telling oBS; now, not so much. On the whole, I think it's best, but its' so much easier said than done that I feel uncomfortable telling people to do it. Also, I never had to do it; I'm just pissed at oBH for not telling me when he learned of the A.

Still, I think reasons for telling outweigh reasons for not telling.
****************************

My W took some comfort in her commitment to ow and to herself not to leave me.

She probably spent 10-20 hours each week with ow. She spent 15-20 hours each week on the phone with ow each week. She was so wrapped up with ow that she had to nap for hours each day when she was at home, so I didn't get much of her time and energy when we were together.

We did spend a lot of time in bed together, but most of that was actually sleeping.

Basically, she left me while telling herself she was still in the M. (There's cold fury behind these words.)

How much time did your H spend with you? How much with ow?
**************************

I suspect ow wants your H, but the importance of her availability is determined by your H. If my W's ow split and moved next door, we'd move. My W is now basically immune to ow (actually, she's repelled by ow because she knows a relationship would be toxic), and there are no more ap candidates. If that's essentially how your H feels, ow is irrelevant to you now.


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9918 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Initially he took a lot of pride in making that statement over and over - as if that would mean anything good to me at all. He understands now how that is meaningless to me.

I wanted to comment on this, too. Yes, my FWH made the same statement to the AP in our sitch. Told AP repeatedly and from the get go that he would never leave me. What a guy! My hero! *swoon*

Me Three!

Edited to add

Not sure (if they are divorced) it does any good to tell him now. My guess: It wasn't her first rodeo and he knows. If she's moved on, let her.

[This message edited by fourever at 12:05 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 25th (Friday)

They were already divorced when I found out. She has not asked him for anything. They are retail employees, both of them, so I don't think there's a big 'settlement' issue, plus I'm Canadian, a different legal system.

I'm still not convinced that I should tell him. In fact, I'm thinking that I won't entertain this thought much more. Is this wrong?


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Eachday,

I don't see SI posters claiming that the WS did not have feelings. What matters is how you define those feelings.

When you have romantic or flirty or lustful, or even caring feelings about an affair partner, those feelings do not equal love.

It may be infatuation, limerance, obsession, a crush, pity, rescue, escape . . . but it's not love.

Love is not a tempest of temporary emotions. It's deep commitment and real connection. It's the will to renew passion again and again. It's a choice to have this person's back every day, come what may.

If you love someone, you treat them with respect. You want them to be the best person they can be. You show your truest self to them and invite them to do the same.

Affair partners encourage each other to throw away their integrity. They use each other. They treat each other like the sordid secrets they are. There's no honesty and the fact that the A happens shows that they don't really care about each other. They always put their own brokenness above the AP and show no concern for the AP's future, family or character.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I'm thinking that I won't entertain this thought much more. Is this wrong?

Not in my eyes. I can't speak for others, but it was completely done for them before you knew. He's moved on most likely. He can't help you ensure the A is over, and he's not going to lose anything if you don't tell.

They are done, and if he never finds out, his world will not change. If he finds out, his world will not change.

Honestly, as much as I favor telling OBS, I don't see much point in telling OBS if AP and OBS are already divorced.

Just my two cents.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 25th (Friday)

sailorgirl, thank you for providing your definition of love in this context. I have a really hard time with that. Separating feelings out, but understanding that feelings affect us, real love, fake love, fantasy for them vs fantasy now and so on and so on. It gets dizzying. I like what you said about it. A lot. Good stuff for me to think on.

painfulpast - thanks for your 2 cents, it is a very considerate and helpful response. I agree, and have decided to let this particular topic lay to rest. I think there are more negative reasons and consequences than positive in telling the other BS, mostly the risk of inviting her back into our lives.

thanks.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Also, I am as sure as I can be right now about NC between them, but will 100% certainty ever really exist for me again? I don't feel 100% certain about anything anymore, except what I am not willing to accept - lies.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Crazy ipad

[This message edited by catlover50 at 2:22 PM, October 25th (Friday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 25th (Friday)

The OW in our case got divorced fairly early on. I think her marriage falling apart was a large part of why she latched on to my H; very needy, insecure and lonely. She did try throwing it in his face a few times (I left my H and now what?) but he always refused to own it--he also always said he would never leave and her M was in trouble before.

I knew her H and I've wondered if he knew. He moved away and I have never felt compelled to tell him because I don't think the A had anything to do with the divorce.

Each day I think it's fine if you don't tell at this time. I also am sorry that you are having to deal with so much pain over your H's feelings. Is it at all possible that your imagination is worse than the truth?



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 25th (Friday)

[This message edited by catlover50 at 2:23 PM, October 25th (Friday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Sorry--wonky connection

[This message edited by catlover50 at 2:21 PM, October 25th (Friday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 2:23 PM, October 25th (Friday)

eachdayisvictory,

Please stick to the Reconciliation Forum guidelines.

Thank you.


A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37093 | Registered: Sep 2007
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I can believe that they had a ridiculous fake love all I want, but it's my fWH's thoughts about that love that matter to me now.


But with time and distance, as your husband's remorse grows and your R (hopefully) proceeds then his feelings will more than likely change as his perceptions of the reality of the past and OW herself change.


If those perceptions don't change for him, then it is you who will have a decision to make for yourself - whether you are prepared to live with a man who can't tell the difference between the 'real' love that you are showing him right now as you try to recover your marriage with him and the shallow love of rainbows and unicorns that he undoubtedly shared with the OW in affair land.


If he can still 'love' a woman who was prepared to destroy the life of you, his wife, and his children's nuclear family, a woman who is a liar and cheater (and she is a liar and cheater in the present tense if she still has not revealed the affair to her ex husband) then what does that really say about him? Is that someone that you would want longterm - after you provingyour own love for him by giving him the chance of Reconcilliation after he betrayed you?


This 'love' he shared with OW was a love that never had to deal with the mundane minutia of everyday life. The pressures of being pressed for money, pressed for time to connect with each other, stressed out by jobs, etc., She was someone that he could run to, to escape his everyday problems and stresses not struggle through them with her. He has no idea if it would have lasted long-term once the butterflies left and the mundane set in. How could he possibly be sure of the genuineness of a love that was never tested by real life?


How could he compare that with the real love that you are showing him in trying to R with him? ...and if he could - is that someone that you would want? When your gift of R counts for no more than OW's "There, there, I think you're pretty great" to him? When he can love someone that hurt you so bad?


See that's the thing. When (or if) true remorse in the deepest sense of it hits him - how could he continue to feel 'love' or even respect for someone that helped him to hurt you (and himself) so badly? Yes, I do think that given time his perspective about their 'love' will change. It was all built between two people behaving at their absolute worst. Nothing gentle or kind about that.

We have been advised by books (from this site's healing library and IC and MC) that the BS asking about that 'love' is generally not a good idea. They say that it sets up the BS for pain, and the WS to either inflict that pain or lie - because the FEELINGS they had may have been real and may be something the fWS will deal with for the rest of their lives. Yet I hear the opposite on this forum a lot; like the only way to fully R is for the WS to see that love as fake too.

I think you probably get a different perspective on this forum because I'm not sure there are many people here who would be prepared to consider themselves R'd with a spouse who spends the rest of his life struggling with his feelings of true love for the other woman.


There was actually an excellent post on the Wayward forum several months ago by one of our own amazing WW's (Aubrie I think it was) that I really wish I could find as I think it could really help you and your husband in dealing with this. It was called something like 'If you love two people choose the second one' (or something like that) but it was actually all about refuting that statement and dealt with what 'real' love really is. It was an amazing read - but I think it's now dropped off the site sadly.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Great point about Love. What's not to like about titillating secrets, no garbage, dishes, housekeeping, bills, kids, pets, family, in-laws, friends, blah, blah, blah.

Love, real love, is reality, not unicorn skittle poops.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, October 25th (Friday)

sorry for the 'b****' comment. didn't even think about it for a second. I'm assuming that's the rule that I broke?

If there are more rules that I broke, I may not understand the guidelines well enough.

In any case, I apologize, especially if fWSes are here and felt hurt in any way. I think all those fWSes trying to R are brave and don't deserve a surprise slap in the face where it's not expected.

Hell, I'm in love with one.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I think that catlover50 had a good sense of what I'm going through, and I am sure that my imagination is worse than reality.

However, sinsofthefather, you eloquently described EXACTLY my biggest struggle right now. If my H can admit all the falseness of their 'love', but still feel remorse over hurting the OW as well as me, is that ok? I really don't know. It doesn't feel ok, but nothing really feels great in the wake of this betrayal. How long do I give my H to discover his feelings on love? What if he believes we can continue to R but he will never say that they did NOT have love?


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Well when you ask is it OK - at the end of the day only you know what is OK for you and what you can or can't live with. If something is OK with you then it is OK - full stop. If it's not OK with you - then it's not OK. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks or what anyone else can live with or not - and that includes your husband. He doesn't get to dictate what should be 'OK' for you and what shouldn't be either. Only you get to do that. So therefore you are the ONLY person who can answer that question for yourself and by yourself. Don't be led by your husband or anyone else on what 'should' be 'acceptable' to you. You're the one who has to live with yourself and your choice. No one else. So what is OK to you is the right answer for you.


For what it's worth, if you want an opinion of someone else - here's mine. No, I could not R with a man who thought that he owed OW the same remorse that he owed me, or thought that he had hurt us both the same. OW chose to risk being hurt. That's on her alone. Her decision. Her consequence to bear. Alone.


OW is a big girl and she knew, and chose to proceed knowing the risks she was taking. No one is forced into an affair. At any time one or other of the AP's can say 'No. This is wrong - if you want a relationship with me - get divorced first'. She didn't say that. Your husband didn't hypnotise her, she knew all along he was married - and according to your husband he also told her that he would never leave you. In which case, all along, she knew this was the potential outcome - that she is on her own. She just thought she could change his mind and change who was the person who was going to be left crying in the end. Her gamble. Her choice.


There were four people in your situation that have ended up hurting. But two of those people actually CHOSE those actions that they knew would cause the hurt. The other two were oblivious to what was going on and were hurt and betrayed without their consent or knowledge. OW is not one of those people.


If your husband wants to feel remorse for someone else as well as you then he should be feeling it for the man who has ended up divorced and still doesn't even know what the final nail in the coffin of his marriage was. I'd say if your husband wants to feel remorse for causing someone other than you pain, then he owes OW's husband more remorse than he owes the OW.


Unless he was living in OW's house with her and her husband he does not know the truth about that man. He only knows what OW told him and what he saw as an outsider with one sided information to go on. Your husband now sees his own part in whatever problems there may have existed in your marriage pre affair - but I bet when he was telling OW all his troubles it would have been a different story. Then it would have been all your fault. Same with her husband then - who really knows the truth about her marriage? Not your husband for sure, him having only one side of the story.


So, if he feels remorse about OW being alone - I'd say he's better served feeling it for her ex husband instead.


OW chose her actions. She went in with her eyes open. She chose the chance of pain when she took the risk of those actions. You and OW could not both be the 'winner' (if you can call it that) of your husbands heart. There could only be one 'winner' here. She knew that one of you was going to end up getting hurt and being alone. She made the choice to gamble on it being you and not her. Again, her choice, her gamble, her consequence. According to your husband he never led her on about that. If she left - he wouldn't. She chose to take that gamble of being left alone.


I said before and still believe that she left her husband to help her 'win' the battle that you didn't even know you were fighting by putting the odds in her favour. She was now free, single and with a place he could go if he left you. She was prepared for you and your children to be left alone. She absolutely knew that it had to go one way or the other - she absolutely knew that someone was going to get hurt and she was prepared for it to be you.


So I don't think OW deserves your husbands 'remorse' any more than he deserves hers. They both chose their actions. If he thinks his actions were wrong - then so were hers. It wasn't a one person affair. They both participated. They both caused destruction in each others lives, she chose to leave her husband of her own free will. Your husband didn't make her....and finally they both chose to hurt you. You and OW's husband - even though he doesn't even know it. Those are the two people your husband should concentrate his remorse towards in my opinion. You and OW's husband. The only person he needs to feel remorse and make amends to - is you.


He has to let the OW go from his mind. Feeling remorse towards her is breaking mental NC. It still keeps OW in his mind. Keeps him emotionally linked to her. He needs to let her go from his thoughts. There are many posts on the Wayward board here that could help him to do that. Here is a link to one that may help him to do that.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622


eachdayisvictory, I really hope that your husband can give you what you need for your R to succeed. It's very obvious how much you want this to work - and I think by the sound of things your husband does too - but he can't have it all. He can't have his fond memories and expect you to accept them. He's got some work to do in his own mind about what the affair was and who he owes his remorse to - he can't sit back and leave this alone because I do think it would eventually derail your R attempt. He can't keep his cherished memories alive and expect you to deal with them. He should be dealing with them by consciously deciding to let them go and putting some work into making that happen. But in the end - if he can't - only you can decide what you can live with, and if you can't live with your husbands insistence that it was true love - then you just can't....and that is OK. ((eachdayisvictory))

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 12:07 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

wow. thanks sins, I am still in awe of people like you who are willing to sit down and write such detailed and caring advice. Thank you. I think I knew and believed a lot of what you said, but kind of didn't want to - because I don't know what it means. And it's scary. I'm so tired of being scared.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Sinsofthefather, your advice is incredibly articulate and compassionate. Thank you for taking the time to share your insight and experience.

Claps to you!


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 31