SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Need advice re: WH finances
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 25th (Friday)

I am a stay at home mom trying to get back in the workforce, which is obviously not working so far, and WH and I have not yet filed under advisement from our mediator until I get a job and we can set up CS, etc.
We currently maintain joint checking, plus two separate private accounts for each of us with the agreement to not use that money.
SO, last week WH and his gf went on vacation, as evidenced by his not spending a dime out of our joint account. It is completely out of his nature to let a SO pay for everything. Because all our stuff is still joint, I suspect he has either used his personal checking, which is against our agreement, or opened a cc account, which is also against our agreement. As the breadwinner, I know he feels I am living off his charity and he can do whatever he wants.
SO, when he comes to get the kids for his visitation today, do I ask about where his spending money came from? He denied using "the" credit card, not "a" credit card, and didn't mention his personal account at all, as I wasn't specific when I questioned the other day via text.

Do I ask? Do I let it go? I have no idea what direction to go, and obviously, he's quite the liar, so I don't know how/if this would be any different.


ALSO: I went to Wal-mart and got copies of all of his receipts for several months, and know he hasn't been getting extra cash that way.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:47 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 25th (Friday)

Why did a mediator say to wait until you have a job to D? Typically you get more spousal support when you are not employed. So kind of wonder where that advice came from. Or are you not entitled to spousal support in your area?


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Unfortunately, notoriously bad state for spousal support. Years ago it wasn't that way, but if I had a REALLY giving judge I MIGHT get 6-12 months. Not great when six months of job hunting has turned up nada.


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, October 25th (Friday)

That stinks! They have actually upped the amount of support in my state, it used to be terrible. What about division of assets? Do you have an attorney that could send him a letter? I just hate for you to get into an argument with him, if you aren't ready to file. You can recoupe any money he spends on his OW, unless you have put an agreement in that you aren't entitled.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Do you have a court order specifying that he should not use his personal account and should not open any cc? If not then do not say anything. The courts won't care and he will just lie to you. There will be nothing to gain.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17681 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Iamhappytoday
Member
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Hey y'all! Thanks for the advice. That's absolutely why I posted--I have such reservations about stirring the hornet's nest.

If anything, I will request financial records at mediation. I think you are right about letting sleeping dogs lie for now.

And don't even get me started on division of assets!!!! This guy is screwing me over, but by the time I spent serious $$$ fighting it out, I'd be less well off financially...


BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

That advice to get a job doesn't gel with advice I and others I know got.

My suspicious brain is yelling out that they said that so that your WH can pay the very LEAST to you as you gain employment, he will be off the hook for maximum pay.

I was advised by people to wait until later and others I know have done this, too. Then they go within a pay scale to keep the CS money to a maximum-it becomes a very messy game.

It would be my 2 cents to not ask your WH directly about the money because it could stir up unnecessary trouble between you and make stress for you. There are other ways to find out, like you were able to do at the store. Asking him could also send him further "under cover", so to speak.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

i think you should not be getting a job this second. ask for maintenance. he may have a professional come evaluate you to see what earning capacity is, then they impute that income for child support so you get less than saying you make nothing. Im basically a stay at home mom and just make ends meet off child support and the little income I bring in (which is incredibly low compared to what I was imputed at)


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Housefulloflove
Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

I was also advised that it was better to file BEFORE getting a job. Also you need to separate yourself financially ASAP. Many wayward idiots create a financial disaster for themselves. Life in cheaterville usually distracts them from pesky things like financial responsibility.

I wouldn't bother asking him about where the money is coming from because any answer you get could just as likely be a lie as it is the truth. That leaves you in the same position of not knowing so why bother?

After separating from my ex I had to learn to focus solely on *my* money. I was the financial planner when we were married so it was (and still is!) very difficult to stop wondering wtf he is wasting his money on while his bills go unpaid. Instead, I focus on the money that he is supposed to pay me. As long as the support payments come on time, he can make a bonfire with the rest of his income for all I care.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

That advice from the mediator sounds bogus. Not all mediators know what they're doing, and some are outright corrupt. I think you should talk to legal aid or someone who can give you a second opinion.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9820 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

I have not yet filed under advisement from our mediator until I get a job and we can set up CS, etc.

Oh, I just reread this. I hope you realize that a mediator will not advise you on what is best for YOU. There job is simply to get a settlement. If they think a settlement will be easier if you already have a job, then they may advise of to get a job.

MY advice to you is to get a lawyer ASAP!! YOUR L will advise you on what is best FOR YOU, not what may be easiest to get a settlement. I am not saying that mediators are not trustworthy, but they absolutely are NOT on your side so you should not trust their advice.

Good luck!!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17681 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
forlornheart
Member
Member # 40726
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Please, please go see an attorney. Something's not right. What state are you in if you don't mind sharing?

I agree with what everyone has advised. No job till after divorce, get that CS at the highest amount possible. It's extremely difficult to come back into the work place after staying home for any length of time to raise the kids. Because of that, an employer may lowball you with starting wages. Make sure you are getting every dime possible coming in you will need it.

I'd ask the attorney about spousal support for a minimum of a year, that will give you time to find a job and get settled in the company.

Hugs!
Deb


Me: 48- BW
Him: 45-WH-chronic cheater, PA and EA
Current Her: Mid to late 30's fatassed, no necked, troglodyte
D Day: August 23, 2013
Separated: August 23, 2013


Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Michigan
phillygirl
Member
Member # 9078
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, October 28th (Monday)

I hope you realize that a mediator will not advise you on what is best for YOU. There job is simply to get a settlement. If they think a settlement will be easier if you already have a job, then they may advise of to get a job.

This times 100.

The mediator is not on your side at all, they are on the side of the process of getting you divorced.

Because of this mediators are only good for couples who are willing to be fair and basically honest. This doesn't seem to be the case with you if he's still spending marital assets on his "recreational activities". You need your own lawyer.


Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 826 | Registered: Dec 2005
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 28th (Monday)

There were financial rules put in place after I filed, including that neither of us are allowed to incur debt and hold the other one responsible. Before I filed, either of us could have gotten loans for thousands of dollars, bought new cars, run up credit card debt, etc., and the other would have had to pay half. Thank God I did this as STBX has been taking out AMSCOT loans and paying 227% interest on them, and they are not in the least bit my responsibility. He's a financial idiot..

Don't trust this guy's word. If I were you, I would file immediately to protect yourself financially. Good luck..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 14