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Just Found Out
User Topic: New member, 1st post
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 25th (Friday)

So here is my story.

My D-day was the night of August 6, 2013, less than three months ago. I had begun to suspect something was going on. Under the pretence of wanting to get some photos of our vacation, I asked my wife for her cell phone and her password. She was half-asleep and seemed a bit panicked, but gave it to me reluctantly.

She had deleted the voice mails from him but not emptied the deleted folder, and I soon heard all I needed to hear. I confronted her around 11:30 p.m., out of a dead sleep, and very quickly she confessed. It was an ugly scene, the angriest and most hurt I have ever been by a factor of 100. Left the house that night and talked it over with my parents in a crying rage until 3 a.m., tried to sleep and could not. Came home the next morning and started putting the pieces back together.

Guy was a contractor, almost 20 years older than us. We had hired him to re-do our kitchen. Wife is a teacher and has her summers off, and he was here every day for three months, spending way too much time with her (and my two young children). Flirted with her, brought her gifts, etc. It started as an emotional affair and within two months became physical as well. It was about a 12 month emotional affair and 10 month physical affair in all. Guy loved to talk and has had a few wives he’s cheated on, and is pretty much a stereotypical serial philanderer. My wife was the latest victim, though she made her choice, too.

Now I’m left to pick up the pieces.

My wife and I have reconciled and are moving forward. We have done everything right, from joint marriage counseling, to individual counseling sessions, to reading The Five Love Languages and After the Affair together. Our communication is way better, our intimacy has increased. We’re going to make it, I think.

I think.

I spent two weeks contemplating suicide. Two months thinking that I was solely the problem, and that I was undesirable, worthless as a human being. I’m finally mostly beyond that stage.

Now I’m angry and even contemplating a revenge affair. We’ve been married for 17 years, and despite opportunities I have never once strayed, because I loved my wife, and was terrified of losing her and my children. I’m just so disappointed that she wasn’t able to act rationally. She acted selfishly, childishly, and 100% irrationally. I was wronged, so badly. Our communication pre-affair was lousy, and we had largely lost touch with each other emotionally as well. So the reasons behind the affair are complicated and multi-faceted. I could have/should have been a better husband. But I am starting to recognize that I was not to blame, damn it. Rather than working on anything, or telling me how empty she was feeling, she took the easy way out. Now I am one screwed up individual, she is consumed with guilt, and my/our life will never be the same. She did some ugly things during the affair, and lied so many times, that I can’t even look at some of the things that happened without feeling sick.

I have so much more I plan to share here but I thought I’d start with the basics, and ask for your well-wishes. I’m a good man and I’m trying to reconcile and move on.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Hi, HeartbrokenDude.

I'm so sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found us.

Everything you have gone through is completely normal. It's a rollercoaster ride, and it isn't fun, but it is NORMAL! I stress this, because for the longest time I honestly thought I was losing my sanity.

There is a ton of great information in the Healing Library in the yellow box in the upper left corner. Every section is labeled in red, so click on articles, books, FAQ, whatever you feel like reading about. It's all there!

One thing...a revenge affair sounds like a great way to even the score, but since your last line says you're "a good man trying to reconcile and move on," this is NOT what you want to do. That means you are stooping to the level that your WW (wayward wife) did, and I imagine it will leave you feeling much, much worse.

Sending you strength!! Others will be along to talk to you, too. We are all here for you!!!

(((Hugs)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Now I am one screwed up individual, she is consumed with guilt, and my/our life will never be the same.

Things probably won't be the same but that doesn't mean that the two of you can't make something better, so don't give up hope. It will take time and healing but if you both are in it together then possibilities are limitless.

Keep reading and posting, and stay away from a revenge affair. The is only an opportunity to hurt her but at the same time you'll hurt yourself.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52129 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Welcome Dude - This is the best club in the world that No One ever wants to, or plans to join.

You will find many differing stories, and outcomes here. You will also find that the advice that is offered is offered because we have been there done that, and want you to avoid the same pitfalls we stumbled in.

It sounds as though you are both doing the hard work of R, and that is great. Sounds like your W is owning her choices and is remorseful. Which is necessary to R, but it still isn't a magic wand. To fully heal, and R from this it takes time, it takes strength, it sucks.

But know this. Your M is forever changed. You are both going to be changed from this as well, and if done right, your Marriage, and each of you can come out the other side, better, stronger, and happier.

Take the time to read in the healing library, read a few profiles of folks here, see what they have been through, some will seem eerily similar, others will make you realize how damn lucky you are.

Welcome and please keep posting, and asking questions, we will help you to find the answers you need.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8469 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cluless
Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)

((heartbrokendude))

BW here, I KNOW exactly how you feel, my WH had an 18 month EA/PA with an old girlfriend. You are 3 months out, about what I'm dealing with from my mindblowing D-day. I've wrestled with revenge sex the whole time. Wanting to hurt him like he's hurt me. There is another BW that was writing about wanting to do revenge sex and another member wrote something that made a lot of sense.

First of all, don't sink to her level. Even if you DO have revenge sex it WON'T have the same impact on her as it did on you. She will think of it as "understandable" considering what she did and you will give up some of your power.

Secondly, you won't feel any better, in fact you will feel worse. IF your heart is truly into repairing the marriage, then you can't have one foot in and one foot out. Basically two wrongs don't make a right.

Remember this, we're going through the stages of grief, over and over again. What helps with the recovery is our WS REALLY getting it. It sounds like your WW is DOING all she can to mend the M. I suggest you find an outlet for this rage/anger/hatred you feel inside. I've been taking it out at the gym. I've lost 25 lbs. well b/c I couldn't eat, but also it really does help. There would be times I'd be on the treadmill and started crying which was embarrassing, but you know what, who cares? You GOT the truth out of her and the MOM was a scumball. He preyed on her weaknesses.

Now about the real issues here. You're hurt because she didn't come to you with how sad and lonely she had become. IF she is feeling like that, you MUST have felt that from her? I told my WH HUNDREDS of times how sad, lonely, how he treated me like he hated me, etc. and he felt the same way but NEVER expressed it. Instead, he internalized it and sought relief in another.

So COMMUNICATION is key. We're all humans, we all make mistakes. Some of us are better at "convincing" ourselves that the wrong things we're doing is somehow right, but the A itself CAN be forgiven. It's NOT for her but for YOU. I look at forgiveness like this. IF you don't forgive, your feelings will become resentments. Resentments are like taking poison while waiting for that person to die. Again, it will ONLY HURT YOU in the long run. Talk this out, sounds like you have a great woman by your side


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
RealityBlows
New Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Hey Brother, Know Exactly how you feel. Going through very similar situation. Everything you expressed is very familiar. Although I didn't contemplate suicide-I have kids, it does seem like the end of the world. To contemplate the deconstruction of a 20 plus year marriage and life and starting over is overwhelming. I too have contemplated the revenge affair. I have opportunity. I often wonder if it would make me feel better and make my wife appreciate me more if she too can realize that I too am desirable and perishable if not taken well cared for. I often wonder if it would take my mind off of her affair and her experience and put it on my very own affair and experience. Thing is, is I am still in love with her. It would go against my current nature. It would complicate matters. It would diminish me. It would diminish our marriage further. It would work against reconciliation. It would hurt my children. It would hurt the other woman. It would be self destructive. It would distract from being a better husband-self improvement. It would add more stress. If I am choosing to fall back in love with my wife like I did the first time we met, when no other woman could compare, I must be consistent to that approach. It is a conscious choice that will take some initial willpower and discipline because, every time I see another pretty girl who flirts with me, for a moment, I feel no pain. I forget the trauma, and it's blissful. But...it is only for a relative moment. Reconciliation-if that is what you really want, is forever. If that is not what you want than commit to another fulfilling and hopefully lasting relationship not a revenge fling.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2013
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Welcome, HD. Make sure that you take care of yourself-- get rest, eat as well as you can, and stay hydrated. At three months out, I felt like I was barely clinging to my sanity, but I am here to tell you that two years later, life is much better.

Keep posting here for support; there is great wisdom on this board. As others have told you, having a RA will only make matters much, much worse, and it certainly won't make you feel better. It's bad enough to be cheated on, but when you perpetrate the same behavior in the name of revenge, you'll hurt your wife, for sure-- but you'll devastate yourself. Remember that your integrity is an important part of who you are, and if you compromise that, then where will you be?

Sending you strength.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3600 | Registered: Oct 2011
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Welcome HD. I'm glad I found SI, and I'm sure you'll be glad you found it too..

My STBX also cheated for at least a year and involved the kids. Man is it a punch to the gut..

The counseling and books are great. I'm glad to see you guys are building trust again. Do you feel like you are missing anything? Like is she being fully transparent with her phone, emails, Facebook, etc.? Are there any conditions of reconciling that you want but she's not giving you? Sometimes even the most remorseful wayward spouse doesn't get a second chance, and I hope she is looking at this as a gift you are giving her.

I read this really good article someone posted, and it said something about the wayward spouse needing to change, and that automatically forces the marriage to change, and this leads to the betrayed changing as well. All the pieces start being different. I don't think there is "going back" after DDay, but the path leading forward changes too, sometimes even for the better.

My advice? Have a revenge affair with your wife. Hopefully, she's not the same person she was before she started working on her issues that led her to have an affair.

Lots of luck to you.

PS- Bet you want to smash that kitchen up, eh? I hate triggers..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 3:43 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
embee
Member
Member # 41100
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Welcome, I am brand new myself, but the part about your relationship issues really rang a bell for me. I'm struggling with accepting that it's NOT my fault, even though we had drifted apart emotionally and weren't communicating well. He tried to blame me during the initial confrontation, and even though he's apologized and gone back on it many times, he can't un-say it. I have major guilt issues as it is.

It's only been a few days for me, but I know we'll all be able to get through this, one way or another - and things WILL get better. You've clearly made a ton of progress already.


Me: BS, 26
Him: WH, 28
D-Day: 10/23/13
Separated

"Are you hurting the one you love?
You said you got to heaven, but it wasn't enough."


Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2013
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Hello HD,

Our d-days are the same. I just want to tell you that I do wish you well, and I am sorry you have to be here in the first place. This site has been invaluable to me, hopefully it will be to you also.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 12:29 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

Don't give up on yourself and your ability to heal. Whether you navigate the long road to successful R or end up splitting up, this empty feeling you have will eventually diminish. This is still very fresh. 3 months is just the beginning off your healing.

Several years out---now I am a happy man and the thoughts of how much better off I would be if she just dropped dead are gone. I actually love and enjoy her now. Had we split, I am confident I would have moved on and similarly found peace and happiness.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 382 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 26th (Saturday)


..just sending another vote of support to you under these heartbreaking circumstances..

..it will take much time and soul searching to find a way through this betrayal..

i'm 4.5 years out and still struggling with the enormity of their betrayal (40 years)

..keep looking after your health see your doc for support.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

(((HeartbrokenDude)))

Welcome to SI. If is is any comfort to you, I know exactly how you feel---have been in your shoes.
We are 2 yrs 5 mos 16 days post Dday, trying to R---my WH had a PA with coworker.
I wish I had found this site when I was only 3 mos out--- but did not find it until last Dec.-----I can't tell you how much the people here have helped me.
Just wanted to tell you that everything you are feeling is normal.
Your marriage will never be the same---hopefully you & your WW will be able to make it even stronger than it was before. It sounds like you are both committed to doing that.
Please know that you will not always be feeling this bad----it will get better.

Take a look at "The Lifeboat"
thread in the Wayward Forum:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101

I should have insisted that my WH read that 2 1/2 yrs ago, but I finally insisted that he read it last night.
Your WW needs to know that she has to take the initiative in healing you.

Sending you strength.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Thanks for all the well-wishes and words of encouragement, everyone. It helps more than you know.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

The revenge affair is probably never going to happen, but here is where that comes from.

The affair has really screwed with my own moral compass. I was faithful to her all 17 years of our marriage, and any feelings I had for other women—and I did have them—I put aside and never once acted on them. But it's as though all the parameters have changed now. It doesn’t make me feel good at all, but the affair has done that to me. My wife has tried to pump up my destroyed self-esteem by telling me how much I have to offer another woman, and that if we separated they’d be waiting around the block for me—but how do I know that for sure, unless I test the waters? She told me part of the reason for the affair was that she wanted to feel like a woman again; part of me now wants to feel like a man, someone who is loved not because he is a provider or a father of their children, but because I am someone who is inherently desirable.

Am I jealous of what she had, of what I have never experienced outside our marriage? Yes, I am. I never expected to feel this way, because I thought we had each other, and that was enough. But I was wrong.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

cluless: Thanks for your post. I do have a great woman by my side, despite everything that has happened.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
flup
Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

HD, there's a "Betrayed Men"'s thread in "I Can Relate" that you should look into.

Most of us are farther along and may give a more male insight.

Is your wife answering all your questions? Did you get the snot-dribbling, sobbing apology? Don't shy from your feelings to placate her... She needs to be front and center cleaning up her mess - don't try and do it by yourself.

Man-hugs, HD.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

HD
A man is not a "man" because he is desirable.

A man is a man because he takes his vows seriously. He takes fatherhood seriously. He protects his wife, children and family because he recognizes how precious those three things are.

Yes your moral compass is off. I do not blame you one bit.

The key is to get your balance back. And that takes time. It takes working on yourself.

You need to learn that you are still that man.

Your wife did not cheat because you are not a man or less of a man. She did not cheat because you were a bad father.

So buck up.

She cheated because she is selfish. She could have come to you to discuss her feelings. Her issues.

I repeat. Her issues.

She chose the easy way out. She turned to a complete stranger. She chose to lie, cheat.

She has cheated you and your kids.

Do you see where the issues lie?

And you are jealous because she got to bang and play make believe with a dude twenty years older than her???

Think about that fact.

Who really has the issues???

So take the time to get your head back on tight.

Because the fact you still love your wife, are still living with her and willing to reconcile your marriage tells us just how much of a "man" you really are.

Now tell us what kind of boundaries are in place between you two?

What actions did you take to end the affair? Expose the OM?

And what is your wife doing to find out why she made such a poor decision and put her husbands health, marriage and family at risk.....

Keep posting.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 5:47 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


Posts: 850 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

She had a 12 month EA/PA for her to feel like a women. Is she feeling like a women now or a whore who is easy to lay and offer sex for free?

What are things she did for your healing other than saying you are desirable to other women?

Why D is not an option? Did she know D is not in the list of your options?

Is she truly remorseful? Did she addressed her issues with IC and MC?

What are the consequences she faced for her transgression? Did you exposed OM to his wife? Did you exposed your wife to her family?

Did you got tested for STDs?

I think you rug swept her A without addressing it properly.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

An update: I had a very angry day yesterday and hammered my wife with the ugly truth, and made her cry multiple times. It felt damned good.

I confronted her with my knowledge of phone calls and texts that I have tracked down; told her that sheer volume and the amount (calls every day to and from work, 45 minutes each time) made me feel absolutely violated. I told her I knew that they were talking on my surprise 40th birthday, during a family trip on the 4th of July, etc. Absolutely disgusting. Told her that she’d still be with him if I hadn’t found out; when she objected with “you don’t know that” and that I was "projecting," I reminded her that she fucked him two days after our family cruise with the kids (during which we had a great time, and bonded, and could have been the end of the affair, but was not; D-day was two days after we got home) and that she was wrapped up tight with him. She has described their calls and texts as addicting, and there was no signs at all of her leaving him. So to say that she might have ended it on her own is a lie.

I asked her why she even stayed with me if they were that close; she said that she knew it was a bad, unreal relationship, and that she loved me and knew she was supposed to be with me (yet she still had the affair; what a fucking selfish bitch).

I told her that we need to be tested for STDs, saying that “every woman that pig fucked, you also fucked, and now so have I, because that’s how STDs work.” She agreed to the test.

I also told her that she needed to cut out all feelings of him forever, using this analogy: Imagine if I had a good friend, whom I shared fellowship and friendship with, and become very close with, only to find out that he had raped one of our daughters. After getting locked up, I was to then tell my wife, “Now, how would you feel if I said that it didn’t change the way I felt about him, and it didn’t erase the good memories we had? Which is exactly what you told me about your affair partner." (She did tell me this shortly after D-Day). I reminded her that I was the rape victim, and that she was sympathizing with the raper. That really hit home for her. I called the affair an “atrocity” in which she shit and pissed on 50 members of her extended family and friends. I left nothing but scorched earth behind me. She knows how badly she fucked up; I now have her worried that I might leave her after all, and that is a good thing. She needs to feel fear, and insecurity, and grab onto me, so that she doesn’t fuck up again, and that she shorns any good memories. I told her that the affair not only damaged my trust in her, but also made me think less of her as a person. She cried again this morning when I hugged her.

Man, that felt healing, at least for a day.

[This message edited by HeartbrokenDude at 10:06 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

To answer a few questions: Only my parents know, no one else.

I have not told the OMs wife; have debated it many times but my wife is worried about some form of retribution, as the guy is a contractor and has the freedom to drive off site during the day and access our house, etc. I'd love the chance to curb-stomp his ugly face, as I'm half again his size and work out religiously in the gym, but he's a half mafia-wanna be and there's no telling what he might do to my house or God forbid, my family. I'm still debating it though.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
kra127
Member
Member # 41045
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

HD,
Doing anything to the OM only gives him the power. Like you, I wanted to go hurt the OW but in the end, she is not my focus and I was not married to her. Take that energy and put it to better use. I will admit, I picture myself pounding the OW's face twice a week when I'm doing kickboxing.


Me 40
WS 39
2 young kids, Married 10 yrs
OW 22, admitted to EA and then TT to PA two weeks later. Also, found out about several "friends".
Dday 10/8/13
Divorcing

Posts: 91 | Registered: Oct 2013
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Somtimes you have to unleash that anger and let them know how you really feel. At first I did this quite a bit and my husband stood by and took it. Over time I didn't feel the need to keep doing that. It is still early for you.

I'm thinking maybe you need to change all your locks. The OM having access to your house is kind of scary.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2007
wewillmakeit
Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

My wife and I have reconciled and are moving forward. We have done everything right, from joint marriage counseling, to individual counseling sessions,
Are you in IC currently? If not I strongly suggest it. I went through virtually the same emotions you are now experiencing, and IC was absolutely critical to my recovery.
From reading your posts I think you re working on recovery but you are not "reconciled". There are still huge unresolved issues. It takes time. The common adage is that it takes at least two years to recover. You are really working on repairing two things, yourself, and your relationship with your wife. If you don't do the hard work required to repair yourself from the trauma she inflicted, you won't be able to repair the relationship.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Absolutely right, wewillmakeit. I used the wrong term when I said we are "reconciled," what I meant to say was we are committed to reconciliation, but we are not there yet. I have not forgiven a thing yet, and I told my wife that I may never be able to forgive her. We are both in IC and JC.

My wife also has some issues from her past that she is working on that are underlying reasons for the affair. She had an alcoholic mother and no childhood, essentially, and has some co-dependent behaviors. Her self-esteem is tied almost entirely to external validation; she needs to feel wanted, and to have attention. When after 17 years of marriage and 20 years of being together led to a lessening of that validation from me, she looked elsewhere for it. What pisses me off is that she never once talked to me about it, just took the easy way out. It's amazing how much I'm finding out about her through counseling and through talking with her.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
loli
New Member
Member # 41197
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

You are not to blame in any way shape or form. No matter how bad the communication was before the affair, she is a grown woman and should have gotten her sh*t together to tell you how poorly she was feeling.
My Dday was just 6 days ago and I'm wondering some of the same things you are...what could I have done differently? But this is a pointless question because the BS did NOTHING wrong. You need to know that in your heart of hearts.


Me 40
WH 41
14 years married
3 Kids (6,9,12)
DD Oct.28 '13
PA: 6 years!!!

Posts: 39 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Europe
Mack25
New Member
Member # 38913
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I know others will disagree but you are owed a revenge affair or at least a ONS. Let yourself be with someone else. See if she stands by your side after that. Put it under her nose, she deserves it. It will just be sex for you but will make you feel better


BH: Me (40)
WW: Her 38
Married 5/5/2001
2 sons, ages 5 and 8
1 daughter age 8
WW drunk make out session with me in next room
D day 3/16/2013
Trying to R

Posts: 24 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

She'll think you're even if you have an RA. And you won't be even close to even. It's not worth it. It's shit on top of a giant mountain of shit.

By the way are you sure OM is up to date on his IRS payments?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

HD,

no new advice - just wanted to say there are a lot of men here than understand and can empathize. Dude, your WW lost her mind. I doubt you will ever make sense of it al because it makes no sense - that kind of behavior.

I also am down with you telling your wife how you feel. I also am down with you not sugar coating her actions. I really recommend that you do not approach things vindictively, with the sole aim to hurt your WW back. In fact, the more calm ou are in your communication, the more your WW's actions will hit home to her.

Also, I did end up getting revenge on the OM. I talked to his wife several times, and for hours (they live 1500 miles away). I armed her with every bit of wisdom from this site - starting with accepting NO blame. She was glad to find out, and is handing his ass to him. Plus, because the guy is a remorseless prick, he is losing his very sweet, and very hot, wife. Sucks for him. So, yeah, tell the dude's wife, and do NOT involve yours in that decision. And change your locks, codes, etc. first.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Tell the OM's spouse immediately ... think how you would feel if she knew and didn't tell you!! Your BW stirred up this shit storm, not you!! It is not up to you to keep things calm, to not make her life uncomfortable. Obvi the OM is a serial cheater, and his BW may even know and accept. Not up to you to make that determination. btw ... Keep your head on straight and take care of you! I told my WH that it is all his call, if I find out he has lied to me again I'm done. I have too much self-respect to keep trying to R with someone who keeps lying. *hugs* to you ...


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Hmm, I'm seeing a lot of advice to out the affair to the OM's wife. I've thought about it constantly. My wife obviously does not want me to do it, but I'm still debating on it. I'd love the guy to experience even 5% of the pain I am, and above all else his wife (whom I've met on two occasions) is a good person and deserves to know.

Let me ask: Is there anyone who would not recommend this, and/or has had a bad experience with it? And why?

[This message edited by HeartbrokenDude at 7:22 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

HBD;
I better warn you that I can be a hardass...

Just to prove it then before I turn to you then I’m going to do something I’ve never ever done before in the …. EIGHT years I’ve been hanging out here… I’m going to tell the poster that suggested you have a revenge affair to seriously reconsider the advice he’s offering. This site is all about ending infidelity, not increasing it. Honestly (and I’ll be gentle because I truly believe everyone that posts is sincere in wanting to help) if having an affair is your best idea for dealing with infidelity… tsk tsk tsk.

OK – Back to you HBD.
Just MAYBE you have a truly remorseful wife that had an epiphany and realized that having affairs is wrong, the reasons for why she had the affairs, the skills to cope if a similar situation arises, the ability to detach from the affair, the ability to work with AP with no emotional baggage…
And MAYBE next time I look out the window pigs will fly.

Why of so little faith? Well… experience. As a rule it takes couples 6 months to 2 years to reach that stage. Some never reach it. It sounds as if your wife reached that point three minutes after d-day…

I tend to be extremely goal oriented. I don’t think you should expose just to get revenge. Revenge has NO PLACE in reconciliation. You expose to attain a goal. Usually that goal is to end the affair. That goal is to create pressure on the affair partners. If you feel that there is a need to pressure your wife then by all means tell OMW. If I fall back on experience then your wife wouldn’t be the first to “sacrifice” her lover and remain in the “drudgery” of the marriage to “save” him. (Note all the words I marked? That’s because they are supposed to reflect affair fantasy. That’s how a WW sees the world). So I would tell OMW so your wife has really only one reason to remain with you: she wants to.

I have one question for you:
If reconciliation is going so great and your wife is so compiling with the process then what made you search out this site? What makes you feel a need to post here?

It’s a valid question. I have a feeling that behind the front you put up there is more doubt and insecurity than you are willing to show.

Yep – warned you I could be tough.
But just like the poster that suggested you screw around – this is in the best of intent.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5550 | Registered: Sep 2005
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Tell the BW. She deserves to know. I'm pretty pissed MOW's BH didn't tell me. I had a right to know, and so does your OM's wife.

And just so you know, LOTS of waywards come up with excuses why the other BW or BH shouldn't be told, and "they are violent and might seek retaliation" is one I hear ALL the time. In fact, my STBX told me MOW's BH was violent, which was a bunch of bull. The guy even knew already, but my STBX didn't want me talking to him and comparing stories, etc.. Your wife is trying to keep her affair a secret and keep some of the fantasy going, and you need to expose it. It's amazing how many affairs shrivel up and die when they are exposed out in the open.

I don't think many people here will tell you that it's a good idea to keep it a secret and not tell the other spouse.. I've seen whole threads of people begging someone to tell the other betrayed spouse.. It's the right thing to do.

And PLEASE don't listen to Mack25's advice. There are so many reasons revenge affairs are a bad idea. It will make you feel like crap. It will give your wife a reason to justify what she did and not feel all that sorry about it anymore. You will be adding problems to what is already a whole mountain of problems. You are trying to show your wife how sex should mean something and should be special between the two of you, and then you are going to go out and have meaningless sex?? And none of this even scratches the surface of what you could be doing to whatever woman you would decide to do this with. You are assuming this could be some nameless faceless person without any feelings, and that just wouldn't be the case.. Unless of course you go with a hooker, and I wouldn't take my chances with catching a disease, and I hope you wouldn't either.

You already seemed to say that you weren't going to go through with the revenge affair, and I hope you are set on that decision and don't let anyone sway you to reconsider it. If you want sex with someone else, then divorce your wife and move on. If you still want your marriage, then fight for it. You guys already have one affair to try to overcome, and the last thing you need is another one.

I also agree that she needs to know that you could still leave her over this. She has to know how damaging this was and how wrong it was. If you constantly act like you will forgive her for this, she will have no incentive to change. She has to know that she needs to fix herself or you're gone..

Good luck to you..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

The OW in my situation was married when she was 19. She cheated back then -- had a 1 year old. Her poor 20 year old H lost it. Her affair partner was his boss -- 38 years old. This guy killed his boss and himself. Fast forward 15 years.

Beautiful 15 year old daughter has a slut for a mother who is cheating on her stepfather with my H.

If only there was SI to help this guy out, his daughter would have him to guide her as she grew up.

It is YOUR honor and priviledge to watch your children grow up whether you stay with your ws or not. They will be alive for the next 70 years and what you teach them by just being alive will mold them into who they become. Stay strong on this!!!

Should you stay with your W or not? Stay in counseling and you will find out...I was married previously to an alcoholic. After he got sober I divorced him (everyone hated me), but I couldn't live the rest of my life knowing he could be drinking at any time and we would be back in that hell again. So,,,,keep watching your wife's actions, and keep up with your IC and in another 6 months you'll know what is best for you....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2118 | Registered: Jan 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

*** Posting as a member ***

Slight t/j:


I know others will disagree but you are owed a revenge affair or at least a ONS.

Oy. Entitlement to cheat. Isn't that what 99.9% of active WS's claim? There's some justification to breaking their vows and betraying their partner.

I know you already said that you are aware that people are going to disagree. I just wanted to share my $0.02, which is more of a mathematical substitution.

Whereas "affair" = "The moral degradation of oneself via the betrayal of one's spouse by engaging in inappropriate emotional, conversational, or physical activities with someone outside of their marriage", you're pretty much saying that the poster is owed an encounter of an inappropriate and immoral nature.

Someone steals your TV. So you get to go to their house and steal something of theirs? Or maybe keep your moral center and don't become a thief as well.

Yeah. Two wrongs don't make a right.



I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17296 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 35