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User Topic: What Can I Expect?
RealityBlows
Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Married over 20 years. Passionate storybook love affair leading to marriage. I am devastated, shocked. I am, and have always been, deeply in love with this woman. She has been my rock. Seemingly happy loving marriage. Mutually good intimate frequent loving sex, never any complaints. Only petty arguments that seemed resolved after much communication. Both of us are athletic and in good shape. Two kids in the preteens. Both of us have rewarding careers and a nice quality of life. My wife has suffered from low self esteem which I constantly try to compensate for. She has recently reinvented herself, lost weight, new style and is quite a looker. I used to enjoy watching her turn heads. She got hit on by a guy at her work and they began texting-sexting, and then two physical encounters over a period of three months. First encounter involved an all day sexual marathon, the second encounter was brief. She states the encounters were disappointing and unfulfilling. But she went back a month later for seconds! Discovery made late September. She claims the affair was a journey of self discovery that has lead her back to me after realizing how good she actually had it, realizing she made a horrible mistake. She claims she is not emotionally attached to OM. She claims she is still very much in love with me, and wants to reconcile. I am still very much in love with her but...I don't really know her do I? Does she even know herself? Does she know what she really wants who she really is? She has been wonderful since discovery and leaves me very hopeful for our future. She has done everything right. We are in the middle of hysterical bonding and we are both loving it. I have repeatedly reminded her that she needs to do some real soul searching before recommitting to this marriage, and to not factor in any materialistic needs. She claims she knows exactly what she wants, and that she will fight hard for our marriage. What can I expect?

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:06 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Hi, RealityBlows. I'm sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found us.

You have gotten on a rollercoaster ride that no one ever wants to ride. You will have ups, downs, anger and sorrow. Just know that it is normal.

Others will be along to give you better advice than I can, but we are all here for you. The fact that she realizes what she has and seems willing to do whatever it takes to work on your M and help you to heal from this is encouraging.

Wishing you strength!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 25th (Friday)

What can you expect? In my experience, you can probably expect to feel every possible emotion ever known to mankind. I am so sorry this has happened to you. The devastation is so severe.

My only advice would be just to tell each other the truth, and don't be afraid to lean into the pain. I adored my husband, have always adored and respected him, we had a fantastic sex life, we laughed together, I supported and encouraged him, I praised him constantly, and I had to come to the place where I could accept that his A had really nothing to do with me, or even with the OW.

You could have done everything wrong, gained 300lbs, yelled at her, forgotten her birthday 20 times, and the A would still not be your fault. You did nothing to deserve it, and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it.

I believe people when they say that good can come out of this, and our relationship is actually more honest than it has ever been in the twenty years we have been together. I have realized that he did know who he was all this time, but I really didn't. I was in love with a man who didn't actually exist. I had idealized him. The rose coloured glasses are off, and we are both seeing each other for who we are now. We have love between us still, and I am healing slowly. So is he.

Don't lose hope. You have a thousand choices you can make right now. Choose what is best for you. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.

[This message edited by plainpain at 7:08 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Hi RealityBlows,

All of the feelings that you have expressed here are PERFECTLY NORMAL!

Let me try to address some of the concerns/questions in your post.

Married over 20 years

Blindsided! Right? So many of us here found ourselves in the same awful boat.

She states the encounters were disappointing and unfulfilling.

Gently... She may be telling you the truth here. WH told me , in an absolute fit of frustration after some sever questioning on my part that, and I quote, " I might as well have just yanked my own wire!". (hope the moderators don' take offence)

Now I'm no expert in "guy speak" but his message came through loud and clear. It was not a sexually satisfying experience. WS's quite often engage in the PA to keep the feelings of validation going. IDK. It made sense to me.

She claims the affair was a journey of self discovery that has lead her back to me after realizing how good she actually had it, realizing she made a horrible mistake

WH has said this time and time again. Now 15 months into R I believe him.

Like Raven96 said, It's a rollercoaster!

Take care of yourself! If WS is really remorseful she will be willing to anything and everything to help you feel safe in the relationship.

The best advice I recieved in the early days was:

1. Take care of you! Learn to put yourself back at the centre of your world.

2. " When you are not sure what to do ...do nothing, more truth will be revealed. "


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
Rabecca
Member
Member # 41076
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 25th (Friday)

I am not in the position to give advice yet but one thing you can expect is a good number of great people here. They have great advice, great insight, and are truly compassionate. Check out the FAQS and other reading. I have found a great deal of help already.


D day August 13, 2013
Me: 29
WH: 28
Together 13 years married 7 years
3 kids (5,3,10 months)

Posts: 63 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Rabecca
LeopoldB
Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 25th (Friday)

Do not give up hope that she is sincere. But be smart.

She claims the affair was a journey of self discovery that has lead her back to me after realizing how good she actually had it, realizing she made a horrible mistake.

She claims she is not emotionally attached to OM.

She claims she is still very much in love with me, and wants to reconcile.


If all that is true, what will you need to see to embark on a path to R?

If she is fooling you and/or herself, what will it take for you to clearly see that?

Identify in your own mind what each would look like, and ask yourself every day whether you see one or the other.

[This message edited by LeopoldB at 8:15 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
RealityBlows
Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

THANKS! All excellent and helpful responses. Wasn't sure what to expect here. I can see already this will be good.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
MeanBean
New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Ok, Your wife decides to cheat and have a "sexual marathon" with another guy in the name of "self discovery".

Its total new age BS. She cheated, wants to cake eat and keep you along for companionship as she F**** other men. Plain and simple. She is only sorry she got caught. She had her fun and now wants life to continue like normal. No consequences, just you waiting aside rationalizing what she has done ans giving her a free pass. She is manipulating you with your eagerness to reconcile.


Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

I don't agree mean bean. You could be right.

Or his wife could truly be remorseful.

The key is his wife knows why she cheated.

What was she lacking in herself that made her bang this guy twice in a row.

Was their texting, setting (ea) as well as the PA.

Be cause until she knows why she made this lousy choice to cheat RB you both cannot truly reconcile your marriage.

It sounds like your marriage was good. So obviously your wife is missing something inside her. She needs to find what was missing.

Obviously the OM or the fling was not it.

Sadly, she made a bad decision and that decision has consequences.

Show her some. Set your boundaries in place and make sure she is clear on them.

Set a date in your head and give her that time to get the counseling she needs to be a better person. Not a liar and not a cheat.
And one of her consequences should be NC and a change of scenery. She should also contact the OM's significant other if he has one.

She owns the Affair. Not you. She needs to clean up the mess.

How old are you guys?

HM


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Hi Reality Blows,

I concur with Happyman64.

A's are not about the marriage they are about the really damaged individuals who make the conscious choice to engage in them.

WW needs to figure out what her reasons were for doing such a destructive thing to a loving partner, and running her marriage off the rails.

I thought that it would be easy to get fWH to look at his "shit", as it turns out ...not so easy. They have to have the strength to do it!

I hope your WW realizes how important this will be for you, if you do decide to R.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
MeanBean
New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

What does self discovery have to do with cheating on your spouse by having a "sexual marathon" with a person she claims to have "no emotional attachment"? The only discovering done is the betrayed spouse learning how deceitful and selfish their "trusted" spouse really is.

She is an adult that's 20 yrs into a marriage wanting to screw around with one last hoorah before she rides off into the sunset with old age, decreasing libido and sexual attractiveness from other men.

She knows what she is doing. She'll do all the right things now because she got what she wanted already.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 11:59 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
LAFA
Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

Well, mean bean, you may be correct, but I hope you are a bit on the cynical side, and that his WW turns out to be a genuine remorseful WS. Only time will tell, but I'd rather speak encouragingly at the start.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

Make her work for it. If they aren't sincere they usually have no tolerance for putting in a little effort.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

Trust but verify. Cheaters lie, lie lie and lie to save their ass from consequences, to cake eat and damage control.

Make sure that you are not manipulated into R by sex or sweet words.

Make sure that she ended the A and dint cooled it till she manages you or she took it underground.

If she realised the fact that you are her soul mate by having sexual marathons with OM then why she continued the A till you find out.If sex was not good why she went back for a second time? But who told you this number? She? How can you trust her words; she is a lier and cheat, they always lies. Is there any proof that sex was only twice?

Get tested for STDs and let she do it and give the report to you.

Dont jump to R, take your own time.

What are the consequences she faced for cheating?


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
RealityBlows
Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Thanks Again. Appreciate all replies even the cynical. Our ages are BS: 48 WS: 45. Consequences. I do feel there should be more consequences but, which do you employ that would be productive, not destructive? This has already been traumatic and dramatic for the both of us. She has demonstrated sincere remorse. She has already entered herself-without urging from me, into personal counseling. She works with the AP-but not closely, so NC will not be possible. She is adament that she is not at all interested in contact. She said the affair was already in it's death throws as the AP was not returning attention. She regards this affair as an unemotional fling that left her feeling empty. No passion, no intimacy. No reciprocation from AP. That it left her appreciating what she already has. She could just be telling me what I want to hear. She seems very sincere. Actions so far have been consistant. I guess time will tell.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:23 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
DefeatedDad
Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

She needs to quit her job and find another. Period.

Better for the two of you to eat Mac and Cheese for a while than risk her taking up with him again. Remember she's a sneak and a liar, and just because she says she won't take up with him again, can you honestly trust what she says?

You need to make her think she is on the cusp of losing you. Quitting her job is one way she can prove her devotion to saving the marriage. Tell her she quits this week or you will go see a lawyer.

Yes I'm serious.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 5:40 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
RealityBlows
Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

She has already offered to quit her job, but was not happy about it. She thinks its overkill. She says she can easily avoid him in the work place and if they were in proximity it would be brief and public. She does not believe he is interested in her any longer and has not tried to contact her since. I almost feel like dangling him like a carrot in front of her to test her devotion. However, I understand this would be a mistake as the WS and AP are like drug addicts whose self control has been comprimised. I am not interested in rehabilitating an addict. Life is too short.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Take her up on her offer to quit her job..
She seems remorseful but all you really have at this point is her words, time will tell with her actions..
With her A and her sex marathon she killed the M as it was..Death is FINAL and so are the consequences of a death.. No turning back to life as she/you knew it..
People rebuild new lives taking into account the death or massive loss of someone/something that was dear to them..
Take care of you so you have the strength to deal with the ups and downs of this shitty situation and see light at the end of the tunnel..
Hugs


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
flup
Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Are you satisfied that she COULD see him anytime she wants? What if he starts getting back in contact with her at work behind your back again?

I let my fWW take a class taught by OM#2 because she needed it for her degree, and it was horrible. There needs to be NO contact. None. None of this "little chance of contact".

To tell you the truth, I think MeanBean is on the right track - it does sound like a bunch of new-age bullshit, to justify a sweaty romp with a stranger.

You need to talk to a lawyer to find your options, AND let HIS spouse know what was going on!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Gently , I agree with mean bean. How many sexual marathons have you not liked? why go back again? and what if the AP was still interested in her ? would she go back? it sounds like you are letting her off easy. She has betrayed you , lied , and possibly manipulated all for her own good, typical behavior! I pray for your sake that I am wrong but read some stories on this site first before you rush into R. Good luck


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
myownmaster
New Member
Member # 35317
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Three things:

1. You state she says the affair was a mistake. You also state that she says the A was nearing its end due to HIS lack of interest. So I ask you, what was the mistake? The affair itself, the fact she was caught, or that she picked a guy who wasn't THAT into her? Can't say anything on this point that hasn't been said already, but make sure she's trying to R for the right reasons. She may be in shock right now, but not as ready to be monogamous as you think in the long term. Just be vigilant.

2. So she found out that grass wasn't greener on the other side in this case and now realizes what she almost gave up...but what if she meets another guy who she, at the time, truly does think is better or more suitable for her? Knowing you were better than the OM shouldn't comfort you. What should comfort you is the knowledge that she understands and agrees with the whole dynamic of respect between partners. If she lives by a true code of respect for you and herself, you will have a leg to stand on. However, if her realization is as base as "Oh you're better than him specifically" but she doesn't hold herself accountable in regards to her interactions with EVERYONE AT ALL TIMES, then you may be in trouble down the road. You want the woman who will never allow her self to get into these situations because it's not what she stands for, not because she just maybe hasn't found the right OM yet. I say this because when I read WS's or their BS's relaying their message that the OM/OW had nothing on the BS, I think "What comfort is that supposed to afford the BS?" There are millions of other men and women willing to prove they are that special affair partner. Her entering herself into counselling is a good step to proving that she doesn't want to be THAT woman. Has she stated that she wants to get to a place where even the thought of an A insults her and that respecting you and herself is more important than acting on bad rationalizations and fantasy induced emotions? Does she admit that the A WAS NOT necessary and that things could have been dealt with way better on her part?

3. About the finding herself part. Was that simply her mindset at the time or is she trying to justify the A a bit by implying something good has come out of it (ie. she knows what she wants now thanks partially to her A)? I would give her the boot personally if she has in any way tried to romanticize the A as some special learning experience that she NEEDED to get out of her system.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Apr 2012
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Lets just get one thing clear here. Affairs can never be about self discovery.
Bull fucking shit on that one. If one is on a mission of self discovery there is no need to lie and sneak around. There is no need to emotionally destroy the person you claim to love in the process. An affair is nothing more then a persons decision to knowingly engage in behaviors that they know could possibly destroy life as they know it. A decision that does just not involve themselves, but others as well. It is one of the most selfish acts one can perform. Self discovery my ass. Self satisfaction is more like it.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5729 | Registered: Nov 2007
RealityBlows
Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

In the interest of brevity I did not represent her position well. She is not trying to justify anything. She is trying to figure "Why she is so F'd up" in her own words.. The day of discovery and since has been very dramatic and she says she didn't realize I loved her still, and so much. She says she thought I would be indifferent upon discovery and just walk. I honestly don't know how she came to this conclusion. Although we have grown apart by busy child activity and career related schedules, we have always stayed conected-So I thought. She is remorseful and disgusted with herself. She says she is embarrased also because she risked all for nothing-got nothing out of it ecept a cheap quick thrill. She blames herself and her poor self esteem. She is careful not to blame me. When I asked her why she went back for seconds, she sticks with the looking for validation, affection, attention bit. Which was lacking, but not critically to my knowledge. She never ever approached me to advise she was at crisis level. This was so unnecessary. I would have done anything and everything to ensure she got what she (we) needed-and would have enjoyed giving it, if I knew she was at this level. She never gave me the opportunity.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:52 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
flup
Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Now, she thinks she "is so fucked up"... Why didn't she think that as she was taking off her pants?

This post-act justification drives me nuts. "I was insane." "I didn't know the gun was loaded." It goes on and on. She's not being honest with herself or with you. Maybe in IC (if she has a decent one) can find out what's broken in her brain.

Btw, is her OM married? Does his wife know what a cheat her husband is? She deserves to know the truth about her marriage, if he's married.

There's an answer to 'why she risked all for nothing'... don't settle for less than an answer that is satisfactory to you.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, October 28th (Monday)

I do worry that she was telling you what you want to hear re: the details. Also, I would say she is, at this point, not the best judge of whether she can be around the AP.

I do believe in reconciliation, and I do believe many waywards can turn things around with a lot of work and soul searching. Good luck, and strength to you both.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:25 AM, October 28th (Monday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Sorry OP, I'm kind of troubled by the language. So she had a sexual marathon but it was unfulfilling, then she went back for seconds? And she was doing this as a journey of self discovery. So what happens when she meets someone she's sexually in tune with? While I understand you might want this to go away as quickly as possible. I think you might need to disengage from the HB and dig deeper into why she did what she did.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2013
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Self discovery is about taking classes, finding a new hobby, learning how to cook...NOT RIDING ANOTHER MAN WHILE HER MAN IS BABYSITTING THEIR CHILDREN.

I hate cheaters because they lie lie lie knowing that normal people will accept the lies because they themselves would never do those things. Do NOT believe her right now. She has earned nothing but your distrust and lack of respect. SHE HAS NOT EARNED YOUR TRUST OR YOUR HOPE!!!

I hate the idiots that cheat on us!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
kannan
Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Stop finding excuses for her A. She had the affair and sex because she wanted to, not because she lacked anything from you.

She should quit her job, another contact with him means continuing the A.

Get tested for STDs and stop being that nice guy.

Then one more thing, what might have happened if the OM was interested in her as much as she is interested in him?

She is indamage control and manipulation, dont fall easily for that. Trust but verify.Dont value anything she says, but only beleive anything you can verify. Trust her by her actions not by her words.

We know you wanted to R and go back to your old marriage as soon as possible but realise one thing your old marriage is dead, she killed it with her A. You can make a new relationship but it should be on your terms and conditions.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Playing devil's advocate here:

How do you know the other guy didn't just dump her?
What if she is just using you as a plan B, until she finds her next guy?

Regardless - she should quit her job. Any resistance to quit means she is still in the "fog" and not 100% committed to the marriage.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
Gman1
Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Reality, Your situation is remarkably similar to mine and my wife's affair. Similar in nearly every way you have described. I am not sure when you discovered the A, but don't be surprised if she isn't being totally truthful with you about the contact. Monitor cell phone records daily online to verify text and calls. She may have set up a secret email address too. I was caught completely by surprise as well. I would definitely have her leave her current job no matter what she says.

Posts: 257 | Registered: Oct 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Yes, definitely disengage from the HB..

Your WW needs to learn that it is gonna take more than the superficiality of good sex to keep her M and her way of life with you...

She may be doing all of the right behaviors but it will take time before you know that she is being consistent and truthful enough to regain your trust..

IMHO she should know that a decision to R coming from you will take time irregardless of her good behavior..

In the very least, months to a year of feeling unsure whether or not her damage to you was irreparable should be a penance she pays for cheating...

If she is truly remorseful she will have no problem with continuing the consistent good behavior and waiting until you heal enough and trust her enough to re commit to the marriage on your terms..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:28 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
RealityBlows
Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Gman & DoggieD, D-Day and confrontation 10/1. She is so supportive, remorseful, attentative and nurturing. She's writing many long sorrow and regret letters. Sometimes I absolutely forget the affair happened. It's a tightrope walk ensuring I don't do anything that might derail R yet still protect myself from future heartbreak. Thank You for your posts. Good points there.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:13 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Please don't be walking on eggshells being afraid you might derail R..
This is a shit storm that your WW caused..
If your WW is truly remorseful you shouldn't have to be walking a tight rope in your relationship with her..If she is remorseful she can comfort you thru your grief, anger, etc..She is probably stronger than you give her credit for..TBH, as long as you aren't mean and nasty and abusive let it all out(grief, anger, questions) whenever you need to...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

If nothing else, RB, you have received opinions covering the pros and cons of her behavior. Not saying that it automatically makes you feel better, but it does give you some insight that you might not have had before.

I just wanted to throw in a couple of more comments/opinions:

She says she thought I would be indifferent upon discovery and just walk. I honestly don't know how she came to this conclusion.

It is very simple---it is wayward mindset. You have to understand that your WW had to somehow justify in her own head how she could have her affair. It is with regularity that the betrayed spouses here get the lines of "I didn't think that you would care", or "if you would have paid attention to me", or whatever other nonsense...ad nauseum...that somehow takes the blame off of them, and shifts it to us. I, too, got the "didn't think you would care" line, so I understand your dumbfoundedness.

The good news for you right now is that she is taking action without your prompting. She not only admits to her faults, but is acting upon trying to correct them. Those are very good indicators. I still don't like her unilaterally deciding that minimal contact with OP is acceptable, because if for no other reason, she has no idea of the pain that you are going through...and is unaware/unconcerned about those effects. Empathy is a HUGE part of remorse, and she shouldn't have to be told such---she should know it. Let's hope that IC can help her see this aspect.

As for consequences, there are going to be plenty...as long as you don't rugsweep this betrayal. If she gets to the bottom of her inner demons, she will understand how she not only betrayed you and her family, but herself. To have such a screwed up mindset that you degraded yourself beyond your own recognition has got to be a terrible pill to swallow. That will be her process to work through.

But she also has the difficult task of support you through your processing. You may feel sometimes like the affair didn't happen, but if you are like most betrayed spouses here, the flood of emotions are coming up on the horizon. Expect drastic mood swings, from deep love to extreme anger...and everything in between. This is often how we work through our grief. It is *normal* for many of us. And if she isn't willing to stay by your side...and take it...then you might want to start asking yourself if you are getting a fully reciprocating partner.

There is no tightrope to walk---like doggiediva states---while you don't get a free pass to behave or do whatever you want to do, you get to grieve constructively...without an effing hint of resistance from her. That is what a remorseful spouse does to help heal the one that they destroyed. Don't stuff your anger deep down inside of you---it will only come out with a vengeance later.

It is all part of your healing process.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
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Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 34