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Reconciliation
User Topic: A thought on forgiveness
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

I saw this today and thought it worth sharing.

Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior.
Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart.


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jan 2013
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 26th (Saturday)


..i have chosen to forgive her, but there is and never will be forgiveness for the man who i thought was my best friend..

..my heart is destroyed and i am changed forever..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
AlexFL
Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

I completely understand! It would be much easier to hear the truth then to be deceived and betrayed.
I don't think you should stop trusting people (just don't trust them as much)

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

I feel like forgiveness is easier when they no longer have the power to continue hurting you.
That is a power each of us gives up.
For my WS, when he had an EA a few years ago I gave up part of myself and my love for him to rugsweep and move past it.
Now, with this PA...I think I have to give up the marriage altogether to release his power over me.
Each person has their limit.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

Whenever the subject of forgiveness comes up, I highly recommend reading "How Can I Forgive You", which is the book written as a follow up for "After the Affair". It has a great description of real acceptance and forgiveness vs. cheap forgiveness. It seems too many times many rush to forgive, without truly doing the work involved. Cheap forgiveness, as he calls it, really ends up doing more harm than good.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 11:18 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

Missymomma is right. I know of someone whose DH has been unfaithful repeatedly but they go on elaborate trips and he buys her a new car or they buy a new vacation home and carry on like everything is fine - neither one of them going to a counselor to talk about what is at the core of the infidelity. And then she is soon lashing out at the very friends on whose shoulders she cried. It's because the person wants to act like all is forgiven without actually believing it in their heart. And they can't take it out on the WS, so they take it out on others. One way cheap forgiveness is problematic.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 26th (Saturday)

Forgiveness is for you,not for them.

Forgiveness allows you to break the chains that keep your heart bitter and hateful. I know how hard it is to forgive. Forgiveness for my husband came before forgiveness for OW/xBFF. And somedays, full forgiveness for her has not quite made it.

We do not forget, but living in bondage to hate and anger destroys us. It is the only thing that WE can control in this recovery madness. It is a choice to let go and forgive.. And it is a healthy choice because it gives us freedom from the torment.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

We do not forget, but living in bondage to hate and anger destroys us. It is the only thing that WE can control in this recovery madness. It is a choice to let go and forgive.. And it is a healthy choice because it gives us freedom from the torment.

This is exactly what I feel about forgiveness. I just thought my original post put it so eloquently.

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jan 2013
Missymomma
Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

We do not forget, but living in bondage to hate and anger destroys us. It is the only thing that WE can control in this recovery madness. It is a choice to let go and forgive.. And it is a healthy choice because it gives us freedom from the torment.

The choice doesn't always have to be forgiveness. Acceptance also releases from the anger and hate. The author explains this quite well in his book, specifically dealing with infidelity.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
MsRukia
Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Oh my goodness forgiveness is hard. I always see it as something you do when you have let go and choose to move forward. Just because you forgive it doesn't mean you are condoning the hurt or that you will forget it. I also feel like telling someone that you forgive them is a big deal and not to be taken lightly. One shouldn't forgive unless they are ready .
I know that I can't forgive WH for the full affair. There are so many bits and pieces to it. So I actually wrote a list of those hurts and offenses. I did this so I can process it all bit by bit. I have been able to forgive some pieces already.
Also, WH went to an every mans battle conference shortly after DD. He told me that they learned that he doesn't need me to forgive him. He already is forgiven (from a Christian standpoint) and that he has forgiven himself. I took issue with this at first. But now I realize the intent of it. Forgiveness is personal and if I never choose to forgive him it's my choice. But by not forgiving, it holds him and us in bondage over the affair. He needs to walk forward as do I. I choose to keep working towards forgiveness as I don't want to be in bondage in my pain over this for forever.
I hope that makes sense.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
learningtofeel
Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

The most recent AP was a close friend and I have felt I could never let go of thinking she's a (expletive word here). But today... a little different. Today for the first time it occurred to me that the AP was probably lonely and my fWH was coming on to her just as much as she to him. That was an amazing thought to have and I surprised myself.

Ever since D-day I've thought of people who suffered enormous abuse in times of war or oppression, and how they have a choice to forgive, even if they never get to confront their abusers. If they can do it, I can too, because my fWS is remorseful and working hard to learn. It should be easier for me.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

I came to a point of forgiveness around 10 months. For me, it was necessary. I've spent a lot of time examining my definition for both acceptance and forgiveness. For me, both were necessary steps to true reconciliation. You see, by my definition, acceptance is head knowledge. It is realizing it happened and that it is an issue that needs to be worked on. Acceptance is what kept me from rugsweeping and minimizing. Forgiveness (again, by my definition) is heart knowledge. Forgiveness is what allowed me to let to of the rage and shame and brokenness I felt. Acceptance without forgiveness would have kept me in a pain cycle that drove me further from my H and deeper into a pit of anger and despair.
OW2 is still not on my forgiven list, but I can feel me moving closer to forgiveness even for her every day.

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jan 2013
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

Funny, but I can forgive the last OW a lot easier than I can forgive WS. After all, WS lied to her too. She put all her eggs in my WS basket because he told her we were living like brother and sister and he was going to leave me etc. Now, after a couple of years you would think she would have caught on, but by then she was madly in love and the lies to her continue etc. Yes, she was in the wrong too, but she was duped as well. In a way, I can understand and though I haven't forgiven her completely yet, I am moving towards that quicker than I am moving towards forgiving my WS. And acceptance, don't friggin have a clue how to get there. BECAUSE I KNEW MY WS WOULD NEVER, EVER DO THIS TO ME. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. HE WAS THE BEST THING I HAD IN MY LIFE AND I KNEW HE WOULD PROTECT ME AGAINST ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.
Pretty na´ve eh??????


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
MsRukia
Member
Member # 40219
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

Music , I love your description too. The head versus the heart. Yet in all reality you need both.


BS (34)
WS MisterP (37)
Together 14 1/2 years
D Day 03 Aug 13 EA & PA
D Day #2 01 Sep 13 continued EA & PA with OW
Slowly but surely finding my way.

Posts: 172 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Colorado Springs
Topic Posts: 14