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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Parenting standards as seen by DS
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

My poor boys...

They have managed to reduce their time at Stretch's house down to only Saturday night. They have transitioned after soccer on Saturday mornings. It is still apparently too much time. Stretch is unable to parent without being an ass.

First off, when things are NOT about him, they are put down. After chopping wood (Saturday's activity for FUN) my guys are inside on their ipods. Stretch is making dinner, and OW is trying to fix the TV.

OW asks for help with something and is either ignored or not heard. DS9 says he didn't hear that he was watching a video and was not listening.

So Stretch yells. Says he is taking the ipods away. Certainly is his parenting right to do so. However, it is the comfort item my guys use. They fall asleep with music or videos. They use them to communicate. The ipods are MORE than just an electronic toy.

DS does not like yelling. It shuts him down. And he reacts by crying. DS12 also shuts down. DS9 says he wants to come home. Stretch yells some more and tells him to shut up, get in the car. Drives 30 mins to my house and puts DS out.

I don't know what is going on. I am at home, in pjs. On the phone. The doorbell rings and there is a knock as well. At the same time (coincidentally) an amber alert comes in on my phone.

I go to the door and it is DS. He is crying. He won't talk to me. He panics when I say I can go ask his dad.

DS feels bad. HE made his dad mad. HE is a big baby. HE should not have done something, been distracted, asked to come home. HE is convinced that his dad hates him and it breaks his heart. He can't imagine how to make it right.

He is sad to be home but glad to be home. Three hours later, I have fed him, hugged him, reassured him, been present with him.

At the same time, DS12 is left behind alone. IN an environment that is angry and unstable. DS used OW's phone to call and see if DS9 had gotten home and what time. Apparently OW was worried since Stretch hadn't returned yet. HOW SWEET of her to worry...

Worst comment of the night? DS says his dad is not the worst. At least he hasn't murdered him. YET. Those are the words uttered in my kitchen by a nine year old. Granted he is a dramatic nine year old. But a sad and hurt little boy. With an imbecile, mean POS for a father.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Oh that is heart breaking. Your poor little guys. :(

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 10:00 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3240 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: ATX
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

(((caregiver)))

As always, so glad you are there for them. That''s all they need.


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed.
- Martina Navratilova

Posts: 2793 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

This makes me feel like throwing up. My STBX did something similar earlier this year. The pain & anguish that came out of my precious son's heart & voice almost ripped me in two. All at the hands of his dear old dad.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

It is soooooo hard! I have to keep ultra calm because DS is so sensitive and defensive and on edge. I have to treat him almost like a feral cat. But on the inside I am raging and furious and sick at heart.

I think it is symptomatic of the break down of stability at Stretch's house. HE is not working. Has filed for a suspension of CS, which goes to court in December, but he may not get it. I am sure the stress level is high. But by God don't take it out on my babies!!!


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Your poor son.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7253 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

I took my son the very next day for an emergency session with our family counselor. Do you have that option?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

I don't really. Nothing tomorrow. And DS is so defensive he begged me to keep it a secret. He is ashamed of crying and afraid it will make things worse with his dad.

We talked it out pretty good. I don't know if going to counseling would make it MORE of a big deal? or feel like a betrayal?

This shit is hard. and it sucks donkey balls.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

My boy, in between screaming that he wanted to kill his father, begged me not to force him to see him again. I said I wouldn't.

Ultimately he chose to see his dad again, but I let him know I would honor whatever choice he made. It's important to empower the children when their parent has effectively eviscerated them.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

((((((((Caregiver)))))))

(((((((DS"s))))))))

I wish there were an island we could give these assholes a one way ticket to and they could never leave.

I am so thankful your boys have you in their corner.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
JessicaFL127
Member
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

Poor babies. I've been there too, these guys are such jerks to their own kids because they are resenting having to parent, I guess. I don't get it.


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

One night. He couldn't keep his shit together for one fucking night?

AYFKM?

He doesn't hate DS. He hates himself and right now he has that kid as his own personal emotional punching bag.

I hate this fucking guy, CG. Who does that to their son? Who does that???

I am hoping that 'murdered him YET' doesn't relate to any violence he is too scared to tell you about.

I hate it that your sweet, lovely boy blames himself. Thinks there is something wrong with him.

When is he able to start refusing visitation.

This is so upsetting. ((CG & Sons))


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4561 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

My mantra during this time was ' you reap what you sow."

He is sowing the seeds of indifference in his sons. When they get older and realize that he treated them with no thought to their feelings-they will start giving that back to him.

CG you have a wonderful opportunity, when DS is less traumatized, to talk about how to handle emotions good ways and not how it can make other people feel. Treating people ( even kids-cause their people too) with respect and dignaty is showing your integrity, and is the way to earn peoples respect.

I suspect your son is also grieving the loss of his illusion of dad. I'm sending him extra prayers-the sensitive kids are usually the most hopeful and hold onto the illusion harder/longer.

Hugs for you too-so hard to watch knowing your babies so well.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4031 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

Your sweet boys... I'm so sorry they have such a POS for a sperm donor.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2498 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

thank guys!

He woke up more himself. He is a "sensitive" child and very kind. He wants to be an elementary school teacher when he grows up.

We did talk A LOT about what the proper response at any point in the conflict would have been. Every time he tried to change what HE (DS) did to not provoke, I replaced the scenario and said "what could dad have done differently." Then we walked a little bit more forward, and "what could dad have done here?"

At no point did the adult act like a responsible adult and that is not DS fault!

I am so grateful to have a place to put the hurt and frustration. Sharing it here keeps me from feeling like I have no outlet. Or from feeling crazy. Because WHO does this?


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

I'm glad that DS is feeling a bit better today.

God, my heart goes out to you and your children. I hope the day soon comes where both your children can chose whether or not to have contact with him.

He doesn't deserve to have such wonderful children.
FTG.


ish kabibble

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Your DS is so lucky he has you. I was a sensitive child and grew up with two parents who really had no idea what to do with me, and really no refuge from a family of bullies and button pushers. A lifetime of being screamed at and belittled has left me with scars I still struggle to deal with.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

(((dck))) I wish I could hug the little girl you described.

As for whether the boys can choose to see him or not:

1. My state does not allow for this. At any age. However, at a certain point, compelling them to spend time with anyone once they are social teens with lives of their own on weekends is hard to imagine.

2. I think even given the choice they would choose to go and to SEE the person he is. He has no chance to become the fantasy dad when they see the real person.

3. They want to have a normal two parent dynamic. They want him to want to spend time and money on them. To show up, stand up and participate. They make excuses for his failures and cling to the things he does that look good- like coaching their teams.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

Oh, this whole thread . . .

We did talk A LOT about what the proper response at any point in the conflict would have been. Every time he tried to change what HE (DS) did to not provoke, I replaced the scenario and said "what could dad have done differently." Then we walked a little bit more forward, and "what could dad have done here?"

At no point did the adult act like a responsible adult and that is not DS fault!

I am so grateful to have a place to put the hurt and frustration. Sharing it here keeps me from feeling like I have no outlet. Or from feeling crazy. Because WHO does this?

I really and truly believe that this sort of parenting can make up for what he is experiencing at the other home. I read, "Why Children Succeed" (okay, I skimmed it; didn't read it all!), and all the studies in that book have found that just ONE good parent like you can make it all all right.

As you know, my STBX is still kissing up and spoiling both of our children, but his nerves are a little on edge too these days, probably for similar reasons to your ex's. I see the cracks; I can hear him snapping. In my case, the NPD's favored child is my older son; STBX seems constantly irritated by my younger child.

The younger child is the LESS sensitive one in my family.

It breaks my heart. I read that the child who is in more trouble in the long run is the favored child of a NPD. I don't know. I just don't know. I guess all we can do is keep all communication open with our children, and be there to reverse any damage as best we can.

It makes me sick that he separated your kids, by the way. Mine would have gotten hysterical. It would have been a terrible scene.

(((HUGS, Care, Mama Bear)))

-Hope


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 19