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Reconciliation
User Topic: yesterday was our anniversary
shortee126
Member
Member # 35803
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, October 26th (Saturday)

So Oct. 26th was our 11 year anniversary. He worked most of the day so we had spent the day before together on an out of town day trip. I had finally told him prior to this that I wanted us to get matching wedding bands and that I was ready to wear a ring again. We had picked out rings last month and ordered them, at the time I was feeling really good where we were. So when they came I thought that he would want to do something special since this was a big step to me and for us. So when they came they were not put on right away and he said that he would come up with something special. Well like I had said we went on a day trip on the 25th to hang out for the day. When we were getting ready to drive back home which was a 2 hour trip he took the rings out of his pocket and handed mine to me. He asked me to put it on and when I did he said "now we are linked back together."
I did not know what to say. I was just thrown off because after he said this he put the car in drive and pulled out of the parking spot. I was very disappointed. The first time around it was in a parking lot and just handed me a ring. There was not anything romantic about either occasion in my eyes. I told him in the past how the first time had disappointed me since there was nothing romantic about asking me to marry him in Taco Bell parking lot. I guess I just thought given the fact that this whole R has been a second chance and this was a second chance for him to do things differently. Second time around was very similar to the first. WTF!!!
Maybe I am sounding a little inconsiderate but I really thought that this time was going to be different or at least he would have had something to say other than we are linked together again. I feel that I deserve more than that but I don't think that I can tell him this since I would sound so ungrateful.
Thanks for reading


BS- 35
WS-34
married 11 years together 17
DD- 5/27/12
He walked out on me and the girls 5/26/12
Recovery started 9/15/12

Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: New York
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

You need to tell him how disappointed you are. That he had a second chance to make things better and failed.

I was proposed to in a bank parking lot the first time around. Was given the ring after he got it from his mom. It was her old set. Not really romantic to just be handed a ring. A ring should be placed on your finger with words of love, commitment and fidelity. I suppose that is where our men went wrong. We just got handed the rings and didn't get the words or emotions behind the act of being proposed to or the significance of the ring.

I know he will take it as you being ungrateful, however he needs to realize how majorly he messed up with his A and his behavior. Then he needs to know that everything that he does right will help with R. That when he just halfasses it that it damages R. You are worth the effort. He needs to show you that. By just handing it to you and saying the linked part is not showing you that he feels you are worth the effort. Who in their right mind wants to stay with someone and go through the pain of R if they are not shown how loved, valued and treasured they are? That they are worth the effort to do the romantic things they need and deserve.

I have actually told my WH that if he isn't helping in my healing and recovery than why should I stay? I mean if I am to do the work alone, I will be alone and not have to put up with him and his behavior.


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

I agree. Tell you WS. It wasn't like you expected flowers, a musical chorus or anything like that, but a "I love you", taking you in his arms and a kiss sure would have helped. Just some kind of romantic gesture. Funny how they "just don't get it". How many times can we tell them what we need and they still DON'T GET IT!!!

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
shortee126
Member
Member # 35803
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

I don't understand why it is that I am concerned with hurting his feelings or telling him that he is not doing something right. I really should not care about how he feels when I tell him that he is not doing the right stuff to make me feel better about where we are. He did not think about my feelings when he did what he did.


BS- 35
WS-34
married 11 years together 17
DD- 5/27/12
He walked out on me and the girls 5/26/12
Recovery started 9/15/12

Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!


Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: New York
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

I'm sorry that his second "proposal" didn't meet your expectations.

I told him in the past how the first time had disappointed me since there was nothing romantic about asking me to marry him in Taco Bell parking lot.

So mentioned your disappointment "in the past" but didn't spell out your new expectations? There must be thousands of grand gestures & "perfect proposals" on youtube -- from flashmobs to romantic rose petals and champagne; from skywriting to jumbotron "MARRY ME" in sports venues.

I don't understand why it is that I am concerned with hurting his feelings or telling him that he is not doing something right.
Some guys don't have a romantic bone in their body. If he didn't have romantic role models growing up, if you haven't "trained" him on a steady diet of romantic comedies, he may have never learned.

Can you show him on youtube what you need in the romance department? Will he acknowledge that he needs to be more proactive?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 5