User Topic: How to start the divorce talk
stunned wife
Member # 28899
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

I have been married for 7 years and had proof of affair 5 years ago and it continues with different woman (including hook-ups w/guys). I've been tested and haven't been intimate with him in over 4 years. I don't love him anymore as a husband but i do care for him as a person. We don't have any kids. Im over the affairs (or what appear to be hook-ups) and just want to move on with my life. My question is how do I start the divorce talk with him? He and I don't have good communication and I don't want to out him about the bi hook-ups. Any advice on how to break the news to him that I've found out and want out of marriage would be appreciated.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Minnesota
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

..what you've just posted sounds honest and to the point..

..i'd start with that and see where he takes it.

..he may be feeling exactly the same way but is afraid to bring up what i perceive to be the inevitable..

..follow your gut instincts and get on with your life.

..anything else is a waste of precious time.

all the best to you.


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
stunned wife
Member # 28899
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

Thanks, that's what I want because I know I've already wasted 5 years already. I think he wants the best of both worlds but he can't have it (at least not with me). He will be shocked but I have to think of my own happiness. I wish there was an easy way but I know I just have to say what I feel and know and what I want.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Minnesota
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

In my opinion, if you don't love him, if you know you want to divorce him, why even bother with a conversation?

You have the evidence, it's a dealbreaker for you, and you are not looking for reconciliation, even if he admits to everything, right?

Simply serve him with divorce papers. No conversation needed, he will only hurt you more!



"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 27th (Sunday)

Simply serve him with divorce papers. No conversation needed, he will only hurt you more!


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 27th (Sunday)

At this point, there is no marriage. You are dissolving a contract. Let the lawyers handle it. That is what you pay them for.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Mediate if you can.

Otherwise, you need to be the prime mover here.

Either way, the only way to get things going is to get things going.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Go see a lawyer without telling your WH and get your ducks in a row first. Once the lawyer has things lined up then if you do want to talk to him then follow what somanyyears said and just say exactly what you wrote in your original post. If you don't want to tell him then just have him served. I wish you the best.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1914 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, October 28th (Monday)

I was like you - I knew I was done! Nothing he could of said or done at that point would of changed my mind.

I went to the attorney first. He advised me on things to do before I had that talk.

I was prepared for the talk to go very badly; but it did not. I thought we would have an intial talk followed up by who-gets-what talk another time. I was not prepared to do that all in one conversation but he was. It was all knocked out in one hour and just needed to have an attorney draft it up.

I also had evidence of his As but he consented to everything I wanted so there was no need to get all ugly. That is what I am reading in your situation too with the bi-As.

As for the actual talk, I just told him it was not a healthy M for either of us and he replied with "How soon do you need me out of here?"

Like others said - it should not be a surprise to him give the past few years of your relationship.

If it IS a surprise to him, it would be that he thought he had the perfect set-up of doing whatever he wanted and you staying silent about it all.

Good luck!

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
stunned wife
Member # 28899
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Why is it so difficult to stand up for myself and tell him this marriage isn't working out because he's been cheating and going on dates to dinner and movies with someone. I want very much to divorce him and be on my own again. I've always considered myself a strong person and haventt really relied on people to get me through things. In the 5 years since finding out what he's doing I've met with someone at a church and talked a few times, went to IC for a few times and went to a divorce support group. All of that has made me stronger and has helped me get to the point I'm at now (over him and ready to move on) but for some reason i can't tell him. How do i get the strength, courage, confidence to tell him I want divorce?

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Minnesota
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Seriously you can''t get the energy you need to tell him looking at all the evidence of his cheating which is disrespecting you? But the others are right, just let the paperwork do the talking.

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 11