User Topic: When you feel they dont want to reconcile
New Member
Member # 40608
Sad  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Everything has happened so suddenly for me. DD 22/07/13. 2 months of limbo where WH says there is NC but then I find out that was lies. Several moments of feeling I cant take any more and why would he be so cruel. Got to the stage where we had a brief separation, he begs to come home - I lay down the ground rules, change phone, delete FB etc etc. Then what?
2 weeks of honeymoon period where he cannot do enough and then suddenly goes cold, cant cope with my prying and questions and occasional bouts of sadness/anger etc. Says he feels like he is in prison, misses his freedom (we have been together for 23 years so presumably he means from our separation period)!!!! He is now off sick with!! And I am left once again feeling it is all about him.... I feel so hurt that someone I loved so much has suddenly become possibly the most selfish person I know. Sometimes I feel this is just too hard and I should, at this point in my life (I am 41) just move on and maybe eventually find someone that truly appreciates me.......

Why does it have to be so tough??

Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (42)
D Day: 22/07/13
~Somewhere between S and R

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Says he feels like he is in prison, misses his freedom

Well that's just too damn bad for him. He's the one the screwed up so he needs to start doing the hard work needed to fix this. R'ing will never happen with one person working on it, never!

You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. There is nothing wrong with seeking advice from an attorney to know where you stand. There's power in knowledge. Then you'll be able to make a better decision about what you want for yourself and your life.

In the meantime, I would start working the 180.

Sending (((HUGS))) and strength your way.

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Hi Trudi
Yes, it's hard. It sucks and you have been dealt a devastating blow.

Your H is stressed and can't work now. Man I feel so bad for him

You have two choices.

Sit around and wait for him to pull his head out of his ass


Get moving and make yourself the healthiest, happiest Trudi you can be.

Ultimately all you can count on, all you can control is YOU. Whatever he will do is yet to be seen, but don't waste your life waiting for him to get it.

you said

Sometimes I feel this is just too hard and I should, at this point in my life (I am 41) just move on and maybe eventually find someone that truly appreciates me.......

It is too hard when only 1 person is doing the work. I would suggest you move on and work on YOU appreciating yourself. You don't need another man to do that. Make yourself whole and be happy with you. What comes down the road will come...your husband will get up off his ass and do the work, or he won't...but by that time you will be so far down the road it probably won't matter.

Make your life count, don't lose it on what ifs and maybes.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, October 28th (Monday)

Not hearing violins playing for the poor WS. There are consequences for bad behavior that are unavoidable. What do they expect?

My WH said his involvement in was just a joke between friends. I told him I disagreed and thought he did that dark and devious act on his own. I asked him to tell me who was involved if it was a "group" joke. He said he would never want to incriminate anyone else. Wouldn't want them to have to "go thru what he goes thru". Poor baby. Such a victim.

Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
I think I can
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 28th (Monday)

I also dealt with broken NC on and on for three months. Then I couldn't do it anymore and asked him to move out. I felt so calm--I WASN'T going to accept this anymore. He said, "I was only going to talk to her once a day!" I said, "Now you can."

Have at it, dude. I'm nobody's backup plan.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2008
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Maybe his definition of R is like my ws. Forget, forgive, move on, don't ask questions because that's just picking a fight. So although mine said yes to R, he refused to do any of the work. We too had HB, then he was distant again. It's exhausting. So what he really meant was, let me stay and continue doing what I want and then you win the prize..ME...Not worth it for me.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:01 PM, October 28th (Monday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5171 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I could've written this myself almost word for word! How sad that the person we put so much faith in could turn into such a demon in our lives.

I'm getting my ducks in order. Ill give him a little more time but if I don't start seeing the changes he's promised I'm gone.

I refuse to subject myself or my children to a life of misery. My parents are currently looking for a place near them that I can afford, not we, me.

I'm not too optimistic at this point.

I agree you're still young, you still have a chance for happiness with someone who deserves you. Wether its with him or someone else. Good luck with it all!

Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
New Member
Member # 40608
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

thank you for your replies, most encouraging especially suposd2btheonly1. I have no idea where I am headed but for the first time I am not worried. Just read the 180 and I wish I had read it fully sooner. We are having a week or so apart and the 180 is really helping. Have been so tempted to just text him or call him for good night or something but resisting and concentrating on me and the kids. My first goal is to spend the next 7 days not thinking of WH at all....xx Love to you all. Don't know how I would have coped without this website :)

Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (42)
D Day: 22/07/13
~Somewhere between S and R

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 8