SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Off Topic
User Topic: Mothering a pre-teen daughter (T.M.I. alert!)
stroppy_wanadoo
Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 28th (Monday)

My almost 12 year old baby girl got her period last night. She came and whispered it quietly to me. She's mortified to talk about it, as expected, and I'm equally as uncomfortable though trying to pull it off as "no big thing." Night one of bulky pads was - errr - eventful. She was incredibly worried about going to school today.

I'm not ready for this! Nobody gave me this roadmap! I want her to stay a fourth grader forever (though she's already two years past that, in sixth grade).

Feeling sad that she's growing up so quickly.


Posts: 999 | Registered: Jul 2006
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 28th (Monday)

(((Stroppy)))

I hear you. My DD is 12, too. We talked about it over the summer since it will probably start soon. Not a fun conversation. I told her if she had a question, but was embarrassed to ask, then to leave me a note. Then I will write the answer back. Her response was priceless. "So I just have to put up with it?" Um yes honey. There isn't an opt out option.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:37 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Posts: 33728 | Registered: Mar 2011
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Go to the store and get her some super THIN pads. They are very absorbent and not at all bulky.

I remember looking at my dd and said something like "I don't know what to do, but I feel like giving you a hug" We hugged and chuckled.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5972 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Go to the store and get her some super THIN pads. They are very absorbent and not at all bulky.
Ditto this!
Pads have come a looooong way since I was a young teen. Its no longer akin to wearing a diaper. They're so thin now that you almost don't know they're there!

Hugs to you both- time really does fly, doesn't it?


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6051 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, October 28th (Monday)

We have been on 'period-watch' for a year at my house. Each month I am so sure my DD (12) is going to be there too but nothing yet.

We practiced ahead of time. Not on purpose, but I had stocked her backpack just incase she was at school the first time, etc. She asked if she could try a pad on. So she did and announced "This isn't so bad". I said "Ohhh just wait honey!"

Someone on here had a demonstration to help their DD be less worried about leaks. Anyone remember that? They had laid out different types of feminine products and used water to show how much they absorb, etc?

It is hard because they are shy about questions and sometimes what we THINK they might want to ask....isn't it at all. I ended up getting my DD the American Girl book about her body. She spent a lot of time privately reading it.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 1990 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Go to the store and get her some super THIN pads.

I would get an assortment of different ones, so she can determine which ones feel most comfortable for her.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13644 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I remember this with my DD.

My mom told me to always be prepared so I had bought some thin ones beforehand and always left a couple in her bag just in case.

When she started she laughed then cried!

Get her some really thin ones and just be there for her as it is such a big thing to start off with.

I also remember the day DD asked if she could wear tampons and I had bought her the super slim ones and talked to her about them and said the first couple of times to take it out after half hour or so (as it definitely feels odd until you are brave enough to insert them properly- sorry if TMI) and after about 3 months of periods she decided they were easier then pads.

It is a funny time for you too as you see that your baby is growing up and it's ''weird''!

Good luck


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1562 | Registered: Jul 2009
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 28th (Monday)

We've been talking about this for years, just waiting for the day. Bought thin pads in advance. Let her pick out a pretty "make up bag" to keep in her desk that will hold her supplies. Have talked to her teachers about this so she knows she can go to them if it starts at school. Have covered every possible angle. We're just waiting for the day.

Had fun doing a demonstration with how much water these things would absorb. It's shocking how much!!! I got all the kids involved, yes, even the boy. We made it a science experiment in the kitchen & had lots of laughs. I want to demystify the whole thing, make it not shameful as much as possible.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Kalleigh
Member
Member # 1214
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, October 28th (Monday)

my daugher 14 likes the Always in the green box, the yellow ones..


I love my husband and kids, but there is something missing, LIKE MAYBE A LIFE!!!!!!!

Posts: 6498 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: Wisconsin
stroppy_wanadoo
Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I knew there would be many here that could commiserate!

I had attempted to talk to my daughter about this over the summer after her pediatrician at the annual check-up told us we could probably expect it within the year. She wanted nothing to do with the conversation, and kept putting the American Girl book I bought her back in my room on my nightstand, unread. I did make her take a little makeup bag of supplies to keep in her locker at school.

Her problems came overnight from sleeping on her back... and things kind of drain funny in that position. So we ended up with two pads overnight - one up the back of her underwear. She doesn't want to try tampons yet. I do have several kinds of pads for her to try.

Why does this frighten me so much?! I know I survived just fine, and I wasn't afraid for myself when it happened! But I just want to cry for my daughter (who just called and said she is home from school, and her day was fine - thank goodness!)


Posts: 999 | Registered: Jul 2006
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, October 28th (Monday)

My DD is about a year in. I buy her the stuff marketed to teens.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 614 | Registered: May 2013
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Why does this scare you?

Because:

a) it's proof positive your little girl is becoming a young woman.

and

b)
wait for it

wait for it

you are now entering the gates of Hell. Be prepared for the moodiness and eye-rolling and being treated like you are the dumbest person on earth.

{{{hugs Stroppy. Welcome to the Club}}}}

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6451 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, October 28th (Monday)

^^^^^^^^ lord have mercy yes!!! My sweet as pie girl turns mean as sin when she has PMS!!!!


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 614 | Registered: May 2013
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Mine uses the noted for teens. We also called and and asked noted questions she felt reassured.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 278 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I could never get comfortable with tampons.

I am a big fan of the Stayfree Ultra Thin products - I exclusively use the "Overnight with Wings" pads and never had any "incidents". Those particular ones may be too big to comfortable fit young girl underwear, but they also have regular ones that are very absorbent but not as long. They are super thin and don't feel like you are wearing one at all.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Feb 2010
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Double post.

[This message edited by Whalers11 at 7:42 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Feb 2010
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 28th (Monday)

you are now entering the gates of Hell.


Posts: 33728 | Registered: Mar 2011
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Also get her a book for teens about maturation. Leave it lying around and she WILL read it.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
Losttransport
Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 28th (Monday)

We made it very casual at our home about periods. We have three daughters, and I started talking with each of them when they were about 10, and we talk about cycles regularly: problems they may have, products that work, more importantly, products that don't! But it isn't just me, my hubby buys their pads for them, tells them if they need a guy's perspective that he will talk to them too. My girls just say, "Tom is here now," : Time Of Month!!


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 90 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
kickboxer
Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, October 28th (Monday)

My ten year old daughter wears an insulin pump, and one of the side effects of insulin can be early onset puberty. I've noticed some subtle changes, and her well-visit confirmed my suspicions that "things" are happening.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to her about her body without worrying about her little sisters busting in or her walking into the living room and feeling embarrassed with her dad sitting there...so I took her to a hotel for the night. We ate chocolate cake and watched a movie. I brought along the American Girl book and we read through some sections together. The next morning, we slept in and hit the free breakfast...then we stayed in our room until the last possible minute before we had to check out.

As we were packing up, I told her that the world would tell her many things about her body -- how to dress it, move it, use it, who to let touch it, what it "should" look like...but I wanted her to know that I will always tell her the truth. No matter how confused she feels, she can come to me with anything and we'll figure it out together.

She gave me a little hug and got up to check under the bed...

Then she stood right in front of me, and stared me in the eye.

She said, "You said you'd always tell me the truth, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Is Santa real?"

Sigh.

She's still my little girl...and she knows the truth about Santa now.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Okay. Is Santa real?

Awwww...you're breakin' my heart

stroppy, be as open and honest as you possibly can. Make it no big deal. Tell her as much as she can handle. My mother treated it like a cultural taboo--and I was miserable about it for years. In fact, I got it at the age of 10 and was so woefully misinformed that I though I was dying. I thought I was bleeding internally, and put myself to bed to die in my sleep!


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19779 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I remember going thru that with my girls...

My DD17 went to a different elementary school than her older sister. They actually did something I thought was fabulous. They have a schools sanctioned "girls" night at the school one evening for all fourth grade girls (due to so many starting younger). This two-hour evening is facilitated by the school nurse and they discuss all aspects of female puberty. Parents (mostly mothers, but there were some single fathers there too) sat in the back of the gym so as not to distract or embarrass the girls. Yes, they were shy and quiet, but the school nurse and a couple other school teachers were very good about getting them to open up with their questions and concerns. This was not a sex ed session as it was all about trying to teach them what to expect with the onset of their periods and how to handle it. I have never seen any other school do this. It really helped DD and I used it as a segue to let her know I would honestly answer any other questions she may have. When her time came it was no big deal.

Oh, and I get her the supplies for teens as she is still too embarrassed to purchase her own...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 953 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
stroppy_wanadoo
Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Kickboxer, that is a beautiful story and a wonderful way to work through this with her. Well done!!!

We had a good night last night, where she let me talk to her a bit. She didn't respond much other than to giggle, but she also didn't get mad and cover her ears (as she has done in the past). School went well with no problems. Overnight last night went well.

Now I guess I have to let myself just accept it! My babes is becoming a woman!


Posts: 999 | Registered: Jul 2006
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Please don't treat this like a big deal. She will take her cues from you.

As a mom who is a nurse, who had a hysterectomy when her baby girl was 2, we had multiple talks about it ahead of time. She had a friend who matured super early, started by age 10. Lucky for me she was 12. But at 11 I bought a variety of pads pantyliners, nightime pads (as I remembered from my days that it was always a disaster) and even some tampons.

We also had discussions about all this with her brother around, so he didn't think it was anything taboo, or weird. Lets face it it's just part of life.

Give reassurance, let her try a bunch of different brands, and sizes, and shapes. My DD actually prefers the WalMart brand knock off always style not the Always though.
Because she did competetive cheerleading we didn't have the option to wait for more than a month or two before doing the whole tampon thing. She was a bit uncomfortable about it, and couldn't "get it in right" so into the bathroom we go, mirror in hand, and mom demonstrating the best way to stand, and having her look at how she was doing it....but there was not shame, once she got it, she was much more comfortable with tampons (which she is NOT allowed to sleep in).

I can remember when I started it was the day of my best friends fathers funeral. We go home, and I went to the bathroom, and let out an expletive for the whole house to hear. I was not happy at all. But I was the youngest of my family, and my friend group so I was about the last one to go through it. My sister was actually really mean about it. Haha you have to do it now too....Thanks for having my back big sister.

Anyway, it's not a big deal, it's all part of life, and in a few months she will probably think it's no big deal.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

My Daughter started her period over two years ago.

It was a Thursday. She had a winter indoor swim party that Saturday.

We read the book, talked a lot. And yelled instructions through the bedroom door and she started tampon use from day 1.

It was really uneventful other than learning how to use a tampon.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

We also had discussions about all this with her brother around, so he didn't think it was anything taboo, or weird. Lets face it it's just part of life.

In my house, DS picked up the American Girl book and said "WHAT in the world are you letting her read????"

[He is five years older]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 1990 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
dazdandconfuzed
Member
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

My DD11 started this summer. At camp, poor thing. I thought I had been super pro-active about everything. We had many talks. I had been packing the thin teen type pads for her for at least 6 months whenever she would travel (so luckily she had some with her at camp - but no, I hadn't even thought about sending her tampons, luckily that first one was very light).

Turns out we didn't have quite enough talks I guess - as when I unpacked her laundry after camp she hadn't taken them off her panties and thrown them away. The used ones were still stuck to her undies


Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6621 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

And yelled instructions through the bedroom door and she started tampon use from day 1.

My mom did this for me too. She left out ONE little part of the instructions (or I misinterpreted).

In my head, I thought you put the entire plastic applicator up there and LEFT it there. The blood would fill that cylinder and the cotton would stop it from leaking.

So my mom keeps asking if I am ok and I kept saying it hurt. She said "It might be uncomfortable at first, but it should not hurt. try just rearranging it".

So I did...still hurt but I left to go swimming with my GF like that. Lets just say the car ride over the bumps were AWFUL.

It wasn't until that night that my mom realized the error....that I spend all day wearing those 5 inch plastic applicators up my hoo-ha!!!!!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 1990 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

This just made me so sad.

I got my period in the fifth grade. Nobody prepared me, told me anything. Hell my mom couldn't even discuss the weather with me.

I went a long time using whatever she had in the closet for tampax and or pads before she said anythng to me...and then all she said was "you shouldn't be using tampax" as though I was doing something wrong.

So in my house I promised to not make my daughter ashamed or uncomfortable with something that is just natural and a part of life.

We talked about it when she was very young, discussed it, how neat it is because of it's meaning but also what an utter pain in the ass it could be.

We were all on period watch. We talked about it in front of my husband, he would get a little embarassed but was eventually ok.

She comes down her sophmore year in high school (she was much later than me!)on Thanksgiving, I am basting the turkey, my mother in law, husband, aunt and SIL are in the kitchen, and says it finally came. So I look up, my MIL looks at me and we all start cheering and jumping up and down yelling..."yay you are a woman".

My husband hugged her and she told him to make sure and say thanks to god for her period while doing Thanksgiving Grace...lol.

I vowed to never make this part of her life feel awkward. She has always been free and easy about it.

As far as products go, all trial and error. We went and she picked out things her friends used, she liked the looks of and eventually narrowed it down to what she wanted to use.

Don't let it intimidate you. She needs to be comfortable and confident within her body and the natural progression of girl-woman shouldn't be so overwhelming.

I wish I could go back....they become adults so fast.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blessedbyluck
New Member
Member # 37525
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

My daughter started when she was 11. She was always a momma's girl and when she was little she followed me EVERYWHERE, bathroom included. I have always been open with both my kids that our bodies change. TMI but my daughter has been in the bathroom with me when I have had that time of the month and she knew what it was from a young age. She knew from the time she was old enough to really understand it that she would get it and I told her about how old she would be (my family hit early)and I told her what to expect and she knew she could tell me. I bought pads when she was 10 and she got her first period when she was 11 at school. I was at work and her dad had to pick her up. I think it was harder on me then it was her. I got a text at work that said "mom I got my ." and I paniced and called her. She was like mom I'm fine I knew what to do and did it, it's not a big deal. That was 2 years ago and she still doesn't think it's a big deal. I'm lucky it's been a bigger deal to me emotionally that she's growing up then it is to her.


Me: fww 39
Him: bh 50
together 19 years
married 17 years
dday 8/2003
two beautiful kiddos

Posts: 50 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: blessedbyluck
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

God love my mother...she told me all about periods, pads, and tampons WELL before i got my first period.

When i actually did get it, it was like 'ok, we knew this was coming, so what do you want to try first?"

It also helped that I was horribly independant and just learned tampons myself, part of it was that with all the previous conversations about it, i really didnt need her help - i basically knew what to do already.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Sep 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

reading the responses that mention husbands/fathers...

I am praying that my daughters get their periods while with me or at school. My STBX is SO anti-blood and anti-period. He completely freaks out at the mere mention of blood coming from down there. I mean fuh-reaks out. I'll never forget when he made me walk myself into the drug store to purchase pads for myself post-partum. I'd been on bedrest for months, I could barely sit up straight, I was bleeding profusely. He would not go buy a package of pads for me. He drove me to the store and sat in the car while I struggled to get out and had to literally lean against the walls & shelves of the store to get the pads & pay for them. Bastard!

So I hope they don't have their periods while at their dad's house. It isn't going to go well.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
bluelady
Member
Member # 11061
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Her problems came overnight from sleeping on her back... and things kind of drain funny in that position. So we ended up with two pads overnight - one up the back of her underwear.

I also sleep on my back and always had leakage problems. I don't know your daughter's bone structure (I teach 7th grade. My girls range in size from tiny, tiny to over 6 feet tall), but depending on her size, Always makes an ultra thin long pad that I would use at night. If she's small, it might feel WAY too big, but it beats doubling up on pads (which I have also done).


Me (BS): 33

Divorced


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: a little bit of everywhere
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I'm dating a single dad that has been very open with his daughters about their periods.

He said that his girls told him when they got their first one, and didn't even bother to tell their mom.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7411 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Topic Posts: 34