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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Fear of taking the final step....
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, October 28th (Monday)

So here I am sitting at close to 3 years of separation (November 1, 2010), and am struggling to take that final step and file the paperwork for the D. I sit and analyze, analyze and analyze again as to why I can't make that final step. I don't know why I'm so fearful of doing it and it frustrates the heck out of me. Perhaps it's just the financial aspect that's got me fearful, it's not going to be a pretty financial picture.

It's weird, as in most parts of my life I am fearless (ie: I don't think twice about heading out to the mountains to fish when there's fresh grizzly bear do-do and tracks...doesn't faze me, doesn't scare me). But I can't help but feel like I'm scared, fearful....even cowardly for not being able to take the last step.

I want to move on and find someone to build a life with, but I realize that I need to take care of the D before moving on to that point. I don't want anything lingering, no loose ends with the ex. Had a gf for 6 months earlier this year, but it just wasn't the right fit, and didn't like the feeling of having a gf while still separated. Just a personal choice.

I've learned a lot about life being on my own the last three years, learned what I want and don't want, just really frustrated at my self-induced fence-sitting and life in limboland. It's been a long, tough haul, barely scraping by month to month.

Perhaps it's just my low self-esteem from the nuclear fallout of the A and subsequent separation, I don't know. Kinda sucks the life out of a person.

Thanks for reading and letting me vent.....not sure what I'd do without SI.


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorcing.

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I don't see it as cowardly, although at the time back then I did. Now that I've made that step and am almost done with the D, I see that hesitation & reluctance in a different light. I see it now as just not wanting to totally admit the marriage was dead, done and over with. I didn't want to be divorced. Back then I saw divorce as a failure, and dammit, I didn't want to be a failure! I didn't want to lose even more control of my life and ability to protect my children from him. At the same time, I knew that as long as we were together the children wouldn't be safe from him, either.

I didn't know with any assurance that the kids & I would be okay if I divorced. Heck, I still don't. But I reached a point where you're at now, I realized that I had to move forward with my life and had to have a clean break from him in order to do it.

In the end, on the day we separated, I laughed hysterically with relief.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 28th (Monday)

What Nature Girl said with one difference I danced around my house screaming with joy when STBXW drove away!

I analyzed for a long time as well. It was 6 months between first calling the lawyer and actually going to meet her. A littel over 2 years after DDay before I actually filed. Best decision I ever made! When your done, your done. The divorce proceedings may or may not be really bad but delaying it doesn't make it any easier or make it go away. I wish I had done it sooner. Waiting just meant I had longer to wait before I am officially free and it kept me from moving forward.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:53 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 28th (Monday)

MSK,

I will join Naturgirl and 7rs, who know my story well.

I, like you, went back and forth--separation while WW fence-sat while continuing to blame me. I absorbed blow after blow as her affair continued basically in my face and she dangled crumbs of hope, keeping me around.

At last the humiliation became to much to bear. Like you, I was frightened of filing. But I did it anyway. "I have to do this for myself and for my children" was my mantra as I walked into my attorney's office. Did I feel "good"? No. But I felt relief at myself, and strength, and dignity. I still do.

It's a scary process and ugly and tragic and exhausting. But I don't regret it for a minute. It must end, MSK. It simply must. Take the plunge. Fight that grizzly called "Fear."


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1445 | Registered: Dec 2012
Healing2012
Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I am closing in on two years since d-day and I completely understand. We have been separated since February 2012.

We are both just hanging on. To what? I have no clue.

I'm 40 and living away from my family (moved here for my WH). That sounds so sad. 40, single, and lonely. Yikes.

I've been taking a lot of time to think about what D would mean to me - not so much financially (because it couldn't get any worse), but emotionally. Sometimes I see it as failure. Failed in keeping a marriage together? Failed in picking the right spouse? I just don't know, but like you, I am in a self-induced limbo.

Can I ask why your STBXWW hasn't filed? No criticism here - my WH won't file either.

People who haven't experienced an A always think they know what they would do, but it's not that easy, right? It takes a lot of soul searching...

Wishing you the strength to get through this. Keep venting if you need it.


BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I see that hesitation & reluctance in a different light. I see it now as just not wanting to totally admit the marriage was dead, done and over with.

Nature_Girl...yes there was that aspect earlier on in the process. May have been more along the lines of being embarrassed at the fact that "she" left me, she was looking for something better.

I appreciate all the feedback on this, solidifies what MUST be done. Have to do this for myself, as I just see myself slowly sliding down into the abyss. I know there's something better out there for me, but that "better" won't take place until this step is taken.


Can I ask why your STBXWW hasn't filed?

Great question Healing2012, really never thought of her side of things. To be honest, I think there was only one time in these three years where she came out and said she wants the divorce to happen. She didn't act on it at all. I don't know if her lack of action means she doesn't want the D.....I really don't know.


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorcing.

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 28th (Monday)

she was looking for something better.

Horseshit. She wasn't looking for something better. She had the best!

She was attracted to someone as fucked up as she was.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 10 and 13
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1344 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Love what Pass had to say, yes!!!!

I filed for divorce about six weeks after Dday (nov. 25, 2012). He was served papers jan. 8. I have been coasting along, but I have my first mediation meeting tomorrow. And now, I am really confronted with ending the marriage. I feel anxiety, fear, anger and hurt. I married him for life. I loved him with all my heart. The sad reality is, he is a narcissist, he is incapable of a real and enduring relationship. He cheated on his second wife twice (I was his third) and he is engaged to his mistress. He will cheat on her. That is what he does.

It is has been so hard for me to let go of the dream. Don't be hard on yourself, we do things when we can. For me, I just don't want to be married to a liar and a cheat and as hard as it has been to end the marriage, I want and need to move on. I deserve better.


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I just don't want to be married to a liar and a cheat and as hard as it has been to end the marriage, I want and need to move on. I deserve better.

That really seems to sum it up extremely well, THANK YOU!!


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorcing.

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I just don't want to be married to a liar and a cheat and as hard as it has been to end the marriage, I want and need to move on. I deserve better.

Perfect!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I have the same. Its been 3 years since I filed. I am afraid I won't make it on my own. He will have lots of money and I am scraping by.

It certainly is the loss of a dream that I had for the life I wanted to give my kids. WH has been going out and not taking the kids.

I am angry too. I believe by staying with him that he will be forced to take his part in raising the kids.

We all need closure for us so we can move on. Me too. Its just getting there that is the hard part.

I wish you peace.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

2 years at year's end for me, too.

My struggle was a feeling of several things-I felt like I was handing him to Fatty B on a silver platter, but had to realize, she already had him!

Also, seeing the words in black and white form was so damn final...no going back...and in my delusion I felt like I could hold the dream by not filing.

But a few things happened over time and thought.

I didn't want to be walked on-I want respect.

I want to be taken seriously by the world and wasn't.

I didn't want to be "defendant".

And, the XPervert is in another state and I'll be damned if I was going to waste time and money going there. So if you're in separate states, that could happen.

It does suck the life out of a person, you're right. I still don't know who I am or where I'm going.

I wish you well.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1955 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

and in my delusion I felt like I could hold the dream by not filing.

Yes, I think there is some misfiring upstairs in my mind, lol, I think a lot of us deep down want to hold on to the dream of an intact, happy family. But there's a definite reality with these waywards that blows that whole family concept right out of the water.

I still don't know who I am or where I'm going.

Right there with you!!!


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorcing.

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

One thought I remember clearly when I decided to file was "I am pretty miserable right now and things aren't changing". At that point the fear of staying stuck where I was for years overpowered my fear of filing for D. In my mind filing for D meant I was going to move out of this siutation I was in one way or another and that was a good thing, scary but good.

It was the right decision for me. Yes it's tough and emotional but the situation I was stuck in was tough and emotional but it had no end to it. WW wasn't capable of or unwilling to file. She wanted out but wouldn't file for whatever reason so I put us both out of our misery or at least me anyway and I filed. As I stated earlier it's tough but it was movement in a direction. At the time I didn't know whether the direction was better, worse, the same, but I knew it was movement away from where I was and along a new path. That's all that mattered to me. The rest would work itself out eventually and whatever the future held it HAD to be better then the living limbo hell I was currently in at the time.

Sending all of you strength that are in limbo. You come out of it when you are ready but don't let the fear of change or fear of the unknown after D keep you from finding something better. None of us were meant to be miserable. I hope all of you find the strength to make the right choice for YOU in your own time. We will all be here for you when you do make a choice, just like everyone ws here for me when I made mine.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:48 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
Topic Posts: 14