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Reconciliation
User Topic: Understanding the Wayward
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Yesterday was one year and I made it!!

In talking to my fWH about romantic moments in our marriage, he says his number one was when we went to a resort in Phoenix in June 2010. His A started in April 2010 and he took her to Chicago in early May for their first get-a-way. He admitted in our time line discussion that they had sex at least once a week when it first started. Therefore, he was having sex with her weekly, even though we had one of the most romantic weekends of our marriage.

I am hoping that those with more experience can help me understand. How can any of our Waywards have the most romantic weekend with their wife and the week prior and the week after they are having sex with their mistress. I understand all of the excitement that goes into the A; the feeling of their ego being stroked, etc. But, I do not get how a person can just put all of their guilt, anxiety aside in order to have exceptional romance with their spouse. Does the start of the A give them renewed excitement for their spouse? Are they able to totally compartmentalize so their is no awareness of their two lives? How could my spouse have been so present with me and yet so devious?

I have asked every question possible, but my H is unable to answer this one. He doesn't know how he made this OK in his brain. Or how he was able to be present in light of his A that was in full bloom. (He is still in IC and we are still going to MC. Our reconciliation is going well and we are finding many happy moments again.)

Are there some things that we will never understand about what happens in an A?

Any insight would be helpful so I can put this to rest.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I'm sorry, Undone.

I don't have any active advice but was going to say that it happened here, too. The XPervert was very messed up during false reconciling and I think maybe trying to decide which woman he wanted, her or me, so he went back and forth like you describe.

Some people are able to put others out of their head -I'm not-and I think this enabled XPervert to do all that he did.

Some of my small comfort is that he lied to her too, she is not immune, not special, just convenient and a way out from me and for him not to be alone.

Yes, the word compartmentalize is apt and there are some psychology terms like 'narcissim' where an ego is fed with conquering relationships.

I'm sorry for your hard time and that this happened.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, October 28th (Monday)

From what I understand from my own WS is that he never thinks long-term. He only thinks of THAT MOMENT. That's the reason why he did what he did was he wasn't THINKING in the first place! I am not surprised, sadly, that he went on thinking that's the best thing ever when he had a little piece on the side. Something like this happened to me too and the only answer I got is that he lives for that moment, nothing else matters. And when he's with those other women, he is with them in those moments, nothing else mattered.

Hence now, every time he gets drawn into a "moment" he tries to over think stuff cause at least that stops him from taking action. He creates a mental boundary in that sense.

Hope that helps you.

[This message edited by Simple at 4:44 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Hello Undone1, my H claimed to be present at many romantic as well as special family trips while the A was going on. His ability to compartmentalize was initially very good.

The thing about the Ap in our case was that she was a plane ride away whereas yours was in the area. If that was our case my H would have messed up long before he did. So when my H left for a conference, he didn't give us a second thought. No calls to check in. No notes. Nothing. He was able to easily keep the worlds separate.

The MC concluded that he may have thought he was present during our special times but he was not. For example, he could have been calling/texting her or let's face it - thinking about their get togethers while sitting there with me holding my hand at a restaurant to celebrate our anniversary.

That was a very hard thing for me to reconcile and eventually I just let it go.

I just try to stay in the present and focus on what he is doing now rather then try to figure out his mindset during this period.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1803 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Maybe out of guilt? Like in his mind he was making up for what he did the week before? My husband acts like it was so simple...He just wasn't thinking at all. That's it! The man can't buy a door at home depot without overthinking it. But he doesn't think before he betrays his wife and risks his marriage?

My husband would have sex with me and then take the OW out the same night. Gross! He bailed out on our cruise vacation the night before blaming work. I went anyway and 24 hours later he took the OW out from 3am-7am. I'm starting to think they don't understand themselves anymore than we understand them.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, October 28th (Monday)

It's hard for them to think when they're using their "little brain", the one that tells them they're so special and entitled.

When the blood goes to it, it leaves their bigger brain.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013
wishingitsadream
New Member
Member # 41030
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I'm very very new to this (less than two weeks from dday), but I know how you feel. I looked into phone/text records and found out that my WH has sexted the OW on our anniversary, his birthday, Christmas, and the worst - our two-week 'baby-moon' in Hawaii in February where we created our child (I'm 39 weeks pregnant right now…). I am stunned because it was such a sexy, romantic getaway where we were having sex multiple times every day, how could he possibly need to sext her, too?!

I truly think there's a lot to the compartmentalization that my WH did to himself - I showed him the phone records and he was amazed and disgusted with himself that he did that at all, let alone on such special and important dates.

Since starting MC, our therapist came right out and said she believes he is a sex addict. And so I've been doing some preliminary research on that and am starting to come to the realization that, while every single time he contacted the OW or anyone else online it was 100% his choice to do so, he felt an addictive compulsion to do so as well. So right now neither one of us really understands why he did that, but I hope that with IC and MC we can try to and work towards a R.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2013
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Are there some things that we will never understand about what happens in an A?

Any insight would be helpful so I can put this to rest.

No real insight here...I have stopped trying to understand his irrational behavior. My aniversary is this week...almost 40 years together...you would think I know this man well and that I could figure out what is/was going head. All the aniversaries we have had and the one that stands out is 2009. It was about 4 weeks past dday...he was still "in the fog" and I was still in shock, but he was trying to convince me he was gradually ending it with her and I was trying to believe him and process the nightmare that had become my life. He was traveling on business...this is normal...he sent me flowers ...as is usual on our aniversaries...we talked on the phone...things felt more normal and I remember thinking that maybe our aniversary would make him remember who WE were. He came home the day after and we went out to dinner. The next week, something just didn't feel right and I did some investigating...turns out he finished his business trip the day before our aniversary and drove up to spend the day and night with OW. How do I make sense of that...his explanation was he had already made the plans with her before he remembered it was our aniversary.Now he is always out of town on this week very year...he still sends me the same flowers every year. I still stress and am glad when this week is over. We have many happy memories of our years together and have made new memories during what I consider to be a perpetual attempt at true R, but obviously this week is not one of them for me. But if you were to ask him, I am not sure he even notices or connects the event of four years ago...I have no insight ...just empathy for you...don't invest too much energy into trying to figure it out.


Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Compartmentalization in a Wayward mind (male or female - this has nothing to do with gender or "thinking with little heads") is brought up regularly as an excuse which provides rationale and comfort for many BS's. But, IMHO, even champion level Wayward compartmentalization is always accompanied by a sad fact: when compartmentalizing an affair you CANNOT be truly present in your marriage relationship. So how can your husband's "number one" marital romantic moment have occurred in this compromised state? It cannot...

I cannot, I am sorry to say, comprehend that claim by your husband. An inauthentic, cheating, damaged being, male or female, only can give tainted romance with their spouse while invested in the fraudulent romance of an affair with their AP.

Sorry for my downer insights and feelings here. Feel free to ignore, YMMV, IMHO.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 28th (Monday)

Are they able to totally compartmentalize so their is no awareness of their two lives?


Yes...apparently they are


Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, October 28th (Monday)

I struggle with "no awareness" as for me it was FULL awareness.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 28th (Monday)

From my reading of various books on infidelity the A can create a new awareness of ones spouse even though they are cheating on them. I think the reasoning behind such statements as your WS depends on the type of A he had. Torn Asunder by Dave Carder goes into great detail about different types of A's.


In our case my H engaged in the rarer form of A's which happens in very good marriages(WS's rate them this way) but to people with poor boundaries and other issues with friends and casual acquaintances of the opposite sex. So to him he never questioned our marriage. He never engaged in romantic behavior with OW's. So in our case there is nothing to compare too.


Your situation is different than mine. You are going to have to do some meditating on topics like this. Take other actions and thinking's of your H and try to apply it to this. Even if you gain some insight doesn't mean you are going to get the answers you like. I wanted those big answers to! I had to settle for the fact my H lacked boundaries and had some major FOO issues(mainly his mother) which caused his warped ideals of dealings with the opposite sex. Personally, I could of grasped the pure drive and excitement of having an A better than my situation. I understood it because I have had to fight that temptation so many times over the years. But I got the acting out because of depression and the FOO issues that resulted in awkward sex.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 10:26 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

That was a very hard thing for me to reconcile and eventually I just let it go.

I just try to stay in the present and focus on what he is doing now rather then try to figure out his mindset during this period.

Ironic that the very mode of operation that allows a WS to spawn and nurture their A is the very process we are trained to use to heal from their A....live in the moment, put the past behind us and trust the future will take care of itself.


My counselor advised this very thing....saying it is irrational to try and find rational explanations for an irrational event. She also said this is one of the parts a BS simply has to accept and move past it.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:54 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

....live in the moment, put the past behind us and trust the future will take care of itself.

and yet we are also taught to learn from the past ...that history repeats itself, etc. So we analyze and try to make sense out of it hoping that if we inderstand why and how we canprevent it from happening again, but there is no rational explanation for irrational behavior. Because we are not able to live a dual life in our marriage, how could our WS do that. For me, living in the present is the only way I can survivie this...if I dwell in the past too much it makes me sad and angry and frustrated. I would love to be planning a wonderful future for myself, but I can't look ahead more than a few months...life that was so straight and predictable for me has become curvy and I don't know what is just around the next curve.


Posts: 509 | Registered: Nov 2010
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

....good addition crossroads2010. The past can be a learning tool for the future. It appears important to me that the past be viewed in the same light between both the BS and WS....currently my wife and I have very different views of our past, what the A was, and how it affects our children.

But is this a correct assumption? Does a WS and BS view of the past have to align? Or are the lessons needing to be learned so different between the BS and the WS that the truth of the past is only as relevant as it needs to be?

Perhaps this is why Short Term Behavioral Therapy is a valid option....it totally skips the FOO search and rectifying the past between WS and BS...and just reacts to things in the present.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:57 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2704 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lowlow
Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Blake, that is the very question I ask myself! Does my interpretation of the past have to match his? I'm thinking the answer is "no". But then I ask myself, then how come the best holiday of our lives (according to WS) happened during the A? I asked him about it and he told me that this holiday revealed to him how wonderful I was, how he had messed up royally and wanted to take me back. (I wasn't sure he was having an A at the time but was fairly suspicious). In short, this was his turning point.

So with that explanation, I'm left with what JD has said, "even champion level Wayward compartmentalization is always accompanied by a sad fact: when compartmentalizing an affair you CANNOT be truly present in your marriage relationship. So how can your husband's "number one" marital romantic moment have occurred in this compromised state? It cannot...

Thus, i too have come to the conclusion that my husband's "best holiday ever" was a complete farce as he freaking emailed her every day we were away and that the EA part of the affair continued for another six months after we returned.

I guess that's why I can't completely believe in compartmentalization. I think it is a convenient excuse for not coming to terms with your inner broken, selfish self.

[This message edited by Lowlow at 1:05 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS) 42
Him (fWS) 43
DD #1 16 Feb 2013
DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 10 years, T 18 years
Attempting R

Nothing is forced on you; it is your own understanding, your wisdom, that tells you how to behave, that tells you how to conduct your ever


Posts: 160 | Registered: Mar 2013
WeHadItAll
New Member
Member # 38804
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Undone1, congratulations on making it a full year! I'm nearly there myself.

Compartmentalization has always been the most difficult concept for me to grasp. How can any intelligent person be so blind and so irrational?

He explained it like this: he thought our relationship was so strong that his A couldn't touch it, that it was something he thought he needed to do for himself, and that he felt like it had nothing to do with me.

He recognizes how irrational these thoughts are now, but in a way, it's true: his A was about selfishness and the willful disregard of me and our life together. It wasn't about me or even about the OW. It was ultimately a brokenness within himself that he had never examined.

You're right that compartmentalization is the product of a broken inner self. For me it's been useful to think of compartmentalization not as an excuse, but as a symptom of a greater disease.

JD is right that someone in such a selfish state cannot be truly present for his/her partner - but I'd hesitate before calling bullshit on your H's claim. He was hiding a lot from you and from himself, but that doesn't mean there couldn't be moments of truth.

You say that it was his turning point - did he say that there were times during your trip that his fog lifted, and he saw what was at stake? From what I understand of the fog, waywards use it to avoid the reality of their own actions. It's not so far fetched to think that the glimpse sent him back into the fog for many more months.

Just a guess, but hopefully helpful in opening new paths of thought.

Hugs to you.


Me - BSO, 35
Him - fWSO, 35
8y together.
DDay Nov 2012
R

Posts: 44 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

JMO, but I think "compartmentalization" is a box that is kept in the brain where the conscience is put when one wants to do something one knows is not right.

Blame it in FOO, NPD, whatever.


Me BW, Him WH
DD #1, caught 4/12/13
DD #2, tells me the whole truth, 5/21/13
DD #3, TT until 8/9/13 then full disclosure w/timeline
DD #4, 8/26/13, OW texts me more info, he tells me the whole truth
DD # 5, 9/11/13, he tells me the whole truth??

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 18