SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Did anyone else have no idea of the cheating??
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Hi,
I am sure most of you know my story, I was totally blindsided. I still wake up at 4am every morning thinking it is a nightmare I can wake up from.

I may have even asked this question before...and if I did, I am sorry, I still am in a bit of a fog, so please bear with me! One day I am so red hot mad I think I might burst into flames, other days I am sad, other days numb or confused, shocked or baffled.

Today I am baffled. I am back to "How the hell did something like this actually happen to me?to us?"

I read everyones posts, and I am wondering if there are lots of others who thought they were happily married and didn't know anything, suspect anything, or have history of infidelity or martial issues.

Every single person I know/we know is also totally shocked, horrified and baffled by my story. People thought we were one of the happiest married couples they knew, and that he was the last guy anyone would expect to cheat. He talked about me all the time, talked about how important family was, he was the "good guy." He told me he loved me. He would say things like "the grass isn't always greener" about others who he didn't think had any "gratitude" for what they did have in life. He acted mostly very peaceful and fulfilled.

Looking back there probably were signs I missed. If I was a suspicious person, I would have interpreted certain things differently, but I totally trusted him and really didn't think he was capable of such deception.

It is scary to think he was a total fraud. It is scary to think that maybe he planned it to be this horrific catastrophic event so I wouldn't ever want to try and reconcile, so it could be me that ended it. So he could run away and never have to answer any questions.

It is scary that he likely saw lawyers before he even confessed his A to me, so that if I did not agree to the OPEN MARRIAGE proposal or let him still have her, that then he would head straight to the divorce option.

I have no idea who this man is. I don't know if he was ever the guy I thought he was, or if he had some mid life crisis and snapped at some point. I don't know how to reconcile that I was with him for 15 years and then, in a flash, it is all changed and all over and I am not even sure what happened.

I haven't asked for a full explanation from him. In the beginning I did have questions and I got some half truths at some point and even that hurt like hell to hear. Then I went NC except for the kids stuff. NC saved me from myself.

I doubt he could or would be honest anyway, and I know everyone says I will never get closure from him, he won't ever "get it" but DAMN I am still so baffled. How does this shit happen outside of the Jerry Springer show??

Please tell me your stories...


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I had absolutely no clue either. My D-Day happened when I got a call from the police saying they were holding STBXH for soliciting a minor for sex. WHAT???!!!

Since then I have found out things that I never thought were possible. (see my profile) STBX didn't have any unaccounted for time. He didn't work late, and his card clubs and sports were actually card clubs and sports. Let's just say that he got a LOT done on his lunch hours.

STBXH is a computer programmer, so I didn't question his need to be on the computer. Maybe I should have. For him, internet porn and chat rooms were the gateways, Craigs List the facilitator, and my BFF in an 'open' marriage was the last straw.

We're supposed to be able to trust our spouses, and the level to which they've betrayed that trust is appalling. You are not alone.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1803 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

It hit me upside the head like a ton of bricks. I thought we had a good, solid marriage and I trusted her implicitly. My ex was a serial cheater and a really good Liar. I didn't suspect a thing.

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I was completely blindsided.

My mother, 3 years post-divorce, is STILL so very bitter and confused as to how she was so fooled for 15 years by my ex, to the point that I've gently said that maybe she needs therapy to work through it.

Absolutely everyone thought my ex was a fantastic guy who adored me. His nickname was actually "The Saint" - because I was always the very "type A" CEO of the family while he seemed to amiably go along with whatever I said. I had absolutely no idea he was unhappy, much less engaging in multiple affairs. He never discussed being unhappy with me, never asked for couples counseling, etc.

Out of the blue he left me for my best friend. EVERYONE in our circle was absolutely stunned by both of them.

I have gone over and over it a million times (including through years of therapy) and have come to the conclusion,with my therapist's help, that I was truly bamboozled by a narcissist (him) and sociopath (her). It is only fairly recently (last 4-6 months) that I have truly reconciled this, and am now engaging in effective measures to protect myself and not allow them to hurt me further.

Be gentle with yourself. It's hard to reframe everything you thought to be true about the world.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I feel like I could have written the entire first have of your post. I was and still am, totally shocked. Everyone we know is shocked. His mom tells me that she cries herself to sleep every night over what he did to me and our family. His best friend is so angry at him and is even more shocked than I am, I think.

He truly is the last person on earth that I thought would do something like this. Like you, 4 months out from D-day and I still find myself waking up somedays thinking it was all a bad nightmare. When I think of all the has happened over the past 4 months- the things he has sad and done, I am in disbelief. I go from sad to angry to numb about a million times a day.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
sueonthemove
New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)

You're not alone (((sleepless34))).

My husband always got pissed off when people split... always told me we were in this together forever, that quitting was NEVER an option. When both my sister's had affairs, he said it was a pattern in my family and that he was worried I'd do it too.

He had an affair on a GF long before we were married... said it screwed up his life so badly, he'd never do it again.

Our relationship was pretty much non-existent when it happened though. I see now that we had lost closeness and communication and that's why it happened. BUT... there are better ways to work on a marriage than lying and cheating (a conversation perhaps??).

So yah... I was totally blindsided. We are still together... he is continuing his A... tells me he wants to be together forever, that he will NOT QUIT, yet just doesn't believe in monogamy anymore. And he is refusing to move out.

WTF??

So, I hear you sleepless... it's sucks big time

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 11:55 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Yes. I was totally blindsided and so were all our family and friends. No one could believe that he had been carrying on an A for 2yrs and I had no clue. Everyone always thought we were the happy couple and so did I. I trusted him totally and had even taken a wonderful job out of state during the week. Come to find out he had her living in my home during the week and they were engaged. I still have trouble believing it. Even after DDay#1 when OW called to out the A, I went almost another year of FR before she outed him again on DDay#2.

You are not alone in this. I had no clue because I never checked up on him, looked at his bank account, phone calls, pay stubs, etc.. Even after I did start checking he lied so well that I felt even more stupid on DDay#2. This was all before SI and I was still struggling to even wrap my brain around it.

We are now attempting to R, but it is not going very well. He is a rugsweeper and wants our marriage to just go back to how it was before he started the A. I have told him we can't just pretend it never happened and ignore the elephant in the room. He apolgizes and then wants to drop it all again. I do not think he is still cheating, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out he is. I am not sure what he told OW but she has attempted to break NC twice in the last year. I don't know if he told her he had to stay because of my illness or what he said. He said he never told her that, but again he is a very good liar, so who knows. He had us both fooled.

I also feel like I don't even know the man I am married to anymore. The A changed him for the worse. He attempts to be kind to me now like he used to be, but I just don't feel the same about him now and don't think I ever will. He has done very little since DDay#2 to fix what was broken in himself and his alcoholism has gotten worse than ever.

I know it is a very dysfunctional way to live, but it is what I am forced to do due to finances and my illness. I read alot in the D/S forum because I have an XWH#1 also who still drives me crazy and I can give advice sometimes on how I deal with that NPD POS.

I know I have read in some articles that a BS always knows, but just ignores the red flags, but that is not always true. Looking back now, yes there were red flags, but at the time I never recognized them as red flags. He always had an explaination for everything and never wavered from it. I never knew he was such a successful liar.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Sleepless, I could have written most of your post. Everyone thought we 'had it made.' So did I. We were happy, had two wonderful daughters, a nice home. We both worked from home, had our own offices there. It was ideal. My xh also writes software so he was on the computer all the time, literally from the time he awoke till he went to bed, often at 2 or 3 a.m. I did know something was 'off.' Our daughters also recognized he was not himself. We all asked him multiple times, "Is something wrong? Are you ok?" He always - ALWAYS - attributed it to work stress. He had two demanding accounts who called / emailed multiple times throughout the day, so this was a very believable answer. I NEVER suspected he was cheating. I had no idea he was into the nasty porn he visited often online. I did know he was playing online poker / it was an escape from long days of programming. I didn't know there is a chat box that is included in the site. I did not know he had been chatting with a MOW. One thing led to another; they began sexting on our 35th wedding anniversary and 3 weeks later he emailed her: "Will you marry me ? For you have touched my soul." What resulted was a 60 yr old man acting like a 12 year old. The skank was on board because she admittedly wanted a sugar daddy and he said, "I'm him !" Once she thought he had money, she was also in luv. I have never been so blindsided by anything in my life. I knew something was wrong.... but surely never suspected any of the above. I thought he was an honorable man. I was wrong. Six months after D-Day, it was apparent he was not willing to change. It was also apparent to me that I could no longer live with him and what he was doing / wouldn't give up. One key stroke and he changed our lives / our family forever. I'm sure, if you asked him today, was it worth losing your family over, he would say yes, simply because he stopped facing the truth when the A began. Which tells me what we are missing when we chose to have no contact with him: Nothing. If that white trash cheating married woman's nasty is more important to him than our family, than HIS OWN DAUGHTERS, we didn't lose much. He became a shallow & dishonorable man.

I don't normally watch The Talk but did have it on one day last week while cleaning. During a discussion of infidelity, Sara Gilbert commented SHE WOULD DEFINITELY KNOW if her partner was cheating, that NO ONE could possibly be blindsided. I laughed. She obviously has NO clue.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 495 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Same here. I had no idea and was completely blindsided. I read a book called "Runaway Husbands" by Vikki Stark. It explains this phenomenon of men who appear to be loving husbands in happy marriages and then like Jekyll and Hyde turn on you and leave for another woman. It was very interesting and really helped me to make sense of what had happened to me. I recommend it.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 903 | Registered: Mar 2013
LisaP
Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

My marriage was work from the beginning. Regardless, I thought it was solid with the same goals, desires, etc.

His Dad cheated on his mother and left her. He hated his Dad for this and their relationship was strained to say the least. He always said he would never do something like that. He didn't want to be like his Dad. In his "other life", he was his Dad and more. I was completely blindsided.


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Every single person I know/we know is also totally shocked, horrified and baffled by my story. People thought we were one of the happiest married couples they knew, and that he was the last guy anyone would expect to cheat. He talked about me all the time, talked about how important family was, he was the "good guy." He told me he loved me. He would say things like "the grass isn't always greener" about others who he didn't think had any "gratitude" for what they did have in life. He acted mostly very peaceful and fulfilled.

This was my marriage.

Now I knew something was up for a few months, but I thought it was MLC/empty nest/depression. We talked about it - I urged him to go to the Dr. and he did. But another woman? I was dumbstruck. Even after the initial Dday and the confession of an EA, I thought it would all blow over.

I never realized what a good liar I was married to - he took it underground and it became PA.

Now that 8 years have passed and I have survived, moved on and thrived in my new life, I still look at him and think WTF? His life hasn't turned out nearly so well. He spends a lot of time alone. He has destroyed the relationship he had with our sons. And he still doesn't have a clue.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7702 | Registered: Aug 2005
Artemisia
Member
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Well, hmmm. We were having trouble for about a month before he left. But I thought we were going through a rought patch, not that he was having an affair and about to leave. I actually thought we were finally doing some really good work and getting to the bottom of some our big stuff. I feel stupid for that now, and sad.

Before that we had years that were pretty darn good. Friends who told us they had never seen such a happy couple. A couple who started happy and stayed happy for so long. We spent a lot of quality time together, shared a lot of ourselves, shared a lot in common.

We had read a Gottman relationship book together during the bad month(in which our relationship scored very highly - makes me so sad). There was a section of questions on trust, and fidelity. At the time I truly believed that I trusted him completely and he would never cheat on me. Becuase that's what he had told me. That he would never, could never do that. That he had seen the devastation it caused and could never do it to another person.

I am also so sad that he knew how badly he was hurting me, but he did it anyway. Didn't care. Wow.

So, I knew we had problems and were in trouble. But cheating? I never, in a million years, would've guessed. But maybe I should have. I think I will never see other people's behaviors the same way again. Scales have fallen from my eyes. Or at least I hope so.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Add me to the list! Our stories are all the same. I would tell her often " are you ok? I feel like you are cheating. I need something from you that you stopped giving me, I don't like you talking to strange men at 2am on text while we are in a bad place ". I said so much to her. She did nothing but say I was a jealous insecure asshole! Lol. If you knew me I am actually the opposite. The people are different but the pattern is the same. I ignored all the flags! I loved unconditional. And like you that is all I am guilty of. I am sorry , but they say it gets better , and they are right it does. I just wish it would hurry up.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I read everyones posts, and I am wondering if there are lots of others who thought they were happily married and didn't know anything, suspect anything, or have history of infidelity or martial issues.

Every single person I know/we know is also totally shocked, horrified and baffled by my story. People thought we were one of the happiest married couples they knew, and that he was the last guy anyone would expect to cheat.

I had no idea that he was cheating I was completely blindsided by his infidelity. After 33 plus years we had reached the point of looking toward retirement. He had purchased a motorcycle and we spent most weekends on rides. A couple of summers before dday we had taken a 3 week trip out west. It was our longest vacation ever.

He had sent me on a 3 week "surprise" birthday trip to visit with my terminally ill mother. I was certainly surprised/shocked to discover text messages to the OW. This was two days after my MIL passed away and I had returned from the trip. I wasn't here to say good bye to her.

On dday he told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore. And he hasn't looked back. Fifteen months later I'm still shocked that he did it.

Looking back I saw a few red flags that were so "explainable" that they really weren't red flags. It was only upon reflection that I saw them for what the were.

I can tell you that the horror will begin to subside. You will begin to have days that it's not all you think about. Time really does help in the healing process.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Unfortunately, I kinda saw the writing on the wall, I became Magnum PI, but chose to rugsweep/deny it was happening.


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Wow, I guess lots of us were blindsided!Yikes, I am AGAIN sad for humanity that this is how so many people can be.

I can recognize that maybe we had drifted apart a little in the chaos of life with two kids and work. I can accept that part, that maybe romantically he was feeling unfilled, not getting enough attention. Whatever, neither was I, he put in ZERO effort in that department when I expressed what would make it better and more frequent!

That still does not excuse the cheating. It is not a justification. He could have talked about it. He could have tried to work on our marriage. He was weak and was and is a coward. THis part pisses me off to no end, that he didn't think enough of HIS CHILDREN to do whatever he could to try and work it out before it ends up in an epic shit storm like this...

I could have possibly even forgiven the affair part of it..well maybe not...but if it had been shorter and he had been sorry and horrified at himself and had true remorse and tried to handle the aftermath more honorably. The whole ordeal just shows his true colors.

It is not just that he went out seeking an affair, but that he carried one out for 1.5 years, but then how he told me, when he told me, how he acted in the immediate aftermath, the blame projection, his legal actions, all of it shows me what a complete and utter shit head he is.

I think those that are weak and can't communicate and act like the "nice, sensitive guys" are really angry inside and do resent the strength of the partner. They feel unworthy, but are too weak to try to fix it, so running away is much easier for them.

When he drops off the kids, the neighbors won't even look at him or wave. The other moms I am friends with at school won't even say hello or make eye contact. The guilt and shame must feel horrific, and I am loving it.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

While I was not blindsided, what did shock me was her continuing knowing it was killing me. Her continuing as I begged her, sobbing, to "stop hurting me." Her continuing when I implored her that her actions would "bring calamity to our family."

And on and on.

I've tried to understand, took blame, just everything. And all I can come up with is a big, "these people are seriously messed up and mind-bogglingly selfish."

So, blindsided? No. But forever scarred? I suspect so.

Strength to all of us.

Oh, and me too: wonderful marriage, sacred family, constant telling each other how great our union was, ad nauseum.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Looking back I saw a few red flags that were so "explainable" that they really weren't red flags. It was only upon reflection that I saw them for what the were.

Yep, I'm there too. The screwed up part, I've been cheated on by other men in casual and not so casual relationships pre M. I always saw it coming and took appropriate measures. My STBXWH...nada. Absolutely nada. Hell, even at the divorce attorney's office, I walked back in because I forgot my keys and he was talking so lovingly about me. It's crazy making.
My two DSSs mother all but abandoned them. I have raised them for almost 10 years now. He completely blew up our family unit. Both are having a hard time processing that I will no longer be "their Mom" when the D is final.
He was always slightly selfish, but that was just a part of who he was. I didn't even consider myself co dependent because when his selfishness went a little overboard, I always called him out on it and threw down the BS card.
After DD I found out he memorized everything I ever said negative to him and held onto it to justify the A. He had the audacity to claim me getting mad at him 3 years before the A caused him to have the A.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I knew we were going through a rough patch. Never dreamed she'd do this to me. She wanted out of the M so badly she did the one thing she knew I wouldn't be able to forgive. I admire those that try R, and even though I was open to it initially I changed my mind. Not that she was remotely interested. I deserve better. We all do. I'm going home and not looking back. Well, maybe a little


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 764 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Absolutely no idea. We were very happy, or at least I was! (Looking back, I realize he was emotionally abusive but I just brushed it all off. I'm much happier now, but I still would have been happy had he not cheated and we stayed together.)

We did a ton of things together -- finished a 50 mile race and a couple of marathons in the months leading up to D-Day -- running together the entire time. We brewed beer and cider and were really good at it. We'd taken up birdwatching. We went to Europe 3 or 4 times a year. We slept holding hands and showered together every morning. He was just finishing up his fellowship (after med school and residency) and we had tons of plans for the future.

We had no reason to fight -- no money problems, pretty much no stress, the world was in the palm of our hands.

It still baffles my mind sometimes when I think about it. You really can't outrun FOO issues (MOW was a clone of his mom -- who never loved him) and, looking back, there were red flags as to his character, but blindsided doesn't even begin to describe what happened!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Dec 2011
StrongAlone
Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

(((sleepless34)))

Count me in to the blind side...sort of. He had cancer and was going through cancer treatments for gods sake!! Who in their right mind would ever, ever think that their spouse would cheat on them then??? We had deep conversations about life and how grateful we were that he was going to live! So yes, I was blind sided in that regard. Thought we had resolved all those nasty little trust issues.

And yes, everyone thought my husband was the shy quiet sweet guy. Does a shy quiet sweet guy send virtual strangers photos of his crotch?? Oh how sexy.


Me (BS) 40 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 41
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.
Divorcing.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
StrongAlone
Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Oh and I forgot to say he was mostly with me! We didn't do much apart so that was a shocker too, how did he fit it in??

During work is the answer, and coming home 'just' a little bit late every night.


Me (BS) 40 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 41
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.
Divorcing.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Yup! Me too. Completely.blindsided. 100% I could have written your post word for word.

He was the good guy. The sweet guy. It was a complete shock to everyone. He was cheating on me with a whore-bag teacher where my kids went to school. And she was not the only one. He had more than one affair going on. I found out shortly after he filed for divorce that he'd been a cheating asshole for our entire relationship. All 21 years of it. I.had.NO.idea.

But this is not ever the worst of it. The way he has treated me since he walked out on my on DDay has been horrendous. He's been abolutely cruel, heartless, and downright mean. He walked out on July 19, 2010 and hasn't spoken to me since. Completely shut me out and abandoned me in every way you could be abandoned. Oh, and did I mention we had a 3 and 6 year old at the time? (now 6 and 9) So there is no getting rid of this guy any time soon. How do you dishonor the mother of your children like that?

Looking back to the year before he left and especially the months before there were HUGE red flags. Even before that there were many, more subtle red flags. But I didn't know them to be red flags because I was so trusting. I believed he would never hurt me and I brushed everything off with an explanation because he could never do that. I should have listened to my gut because I often had bad gut feelings that I didn't understand at the time. I was naive and trusting and vulnerable with him. And now I'm not that person anymore. Although I guess in some ways that might be a good thing, I sure do miss that innocent girl sometimes. :(

[This message edited by ruinedandbroken at 10:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Raising hand. I had no clue and we were the last couple anyone thought this could or would happen too. I remember telling him that I had thought I would let him down before he ever let me down. Guess I had it all figured wrong.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Yes, totally blindsided. Looking back now, there were the red flags, but I ignored them. Well, after all, I trusted him.

The biggest red flag was 6 mos. prior to me finding out, when his sister told me XWH had a brief A with their brothers wife 2 years before XWH met me. I, again, ignored it, thought they "handled" it. I guess not.

((sleepless34))


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
marlie2014
Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Same here. Blindsided. And I also had plenty of red flags that I rationalized away. I didn't believe any rumor I ever heard until he confessed on his own that they were ALL true. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. And more.

My story is similar to Gemini's. It's bad enough if your husband had a LTA or another woman. But mine had/has a penchant for teenage girls. The more time that goes by, the more I keep learning about that. Even yesterday I found an old message on his Facebook from 2011 where he was hitting on a young girl and inviting her to stop by his workplace so he could 'tell her something.' I don't know if she ever did, but...

Everyone admired my husband and thought he was a wonderful man. Certainly an easier person to know and like than me...I am less good at hiding my feelings and tend to be less skilled socially. But at least I'm not a lying, cheating pervert!

He starts moving out today. While it hurts, I confess that I feel relief knowing that he will soon be gone.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

No clue either. It wasn't even in my realm of possibility


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1752 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
josie11
Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I was completely blindsided.

There were many nights after D-Day that I woke up in panic, thinking that I'd just had a nightmare about my husband asking for a divorce. Then I would remember that the unthinkable had really happened. I only found out about the infidelity in after he told me ILYBINILWU on that terrible D-day.

My husband had been showing signs of stress for a couple of months, but he was open--I believed--about the reasons. He was under pressure at work (layoffs, deadlines), we had just pulled up stakes and moved our family internationally twice in a two-year period, he was experiencing worsening health problems, and he was showing signs of physical aging in his late 40s. I tried in every way I could to support him and help him relieve the stress.

Never in a million years did I think that he could have been unfaithful. I admired and respected him, and I truly believed that he would never commit adultery. I thought I knew him well after more than 24 years together. I thought he had integrity. I thought that if he were ever unhappy with me or with or marriage, he would say something. He never said a word until the day he dropped the bomb.

I never thought that he would risk damaging our children by tearing our family apart unilaterally. The children were both still in grade school then. Today, 4 years later, both are emotionally troubled and cannot understand why their family was destroyed.

As soon as my husband said he was leaving, he turned into a cold, uncaring stranger. His transformation was extremely upsetting because we had always been close and loving. There was no conflict or fighting leading up to his change. I still don't understand what happened, really, except to learn that he was much more damaged by his traumatic childhood than I ever realized.


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 395 | Registered: Mar 2011
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I was blindsided, but my friends and family almost all knew.

It stood out for me that the only one who told me was another B.S.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I was completely blindsided.

I thought he was going through a stressful period because of work. Plus, we moved quite often and with 4 kids 7 and under things were usually quite hectic. I was doing my best to shield him from any demands at home to try and alleviate his "stress." I also found out after the ILYBNILWY speech that there was another woman. He denied it then and still denies it.

I remember thinking how great he was at dealing with his foo issues compared to his siblings. He really had me fooled.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: In a better place
boilerfan35
New Member
Member # 41180
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I had no idea either. I am still in the same place as you- wanting to wake up in the morning and say, "Wow, you would not believe the nightmare I had!" My hubby is going through a mid-life crisis and I know that now. But I had no idea how far it had gone or that he was blaming all his negative feelings on me until just a few short days ago. Sometimes I read these posts and get hopeful that we can work it out. Other times I log on and read and think, "Oh my goodness, I am screwed." I have been a SAHM for 12 yrs raising our kids, homeschooling, and keeping our home while he was working to support us. Now I will need to work 2-3 jobs just to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. I'm still praying he will have a breakthrough but at this point he's not even remorseful or sorry that it happened. Yes, we will survive and do what we need to do... but this is the worst time of my life by far and sometimes it's just almost too overwhelming to deal with.
I guess I just want to say, I'm here with you, I understand, and somehow we'll all make it through to the other side~ even though we don't know how!


Me 48
WH 45
Together 28 years
Married for 24
DS(1) 24
DD(2) 13
DD(3) 9
Dday 10/19/13
announced his EA and told me he's not sure he ever loved me
12/22/13 finally admitted to the "whole" truth
Now in R and working to repair

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, November 1st (Friday)

For many years, I had no idea. In retrospect (and a few years out), I can see red flags. They were not apparent then.

In my case, my stbx IS a fraud, with everyone. It takes most people about 3 years (in a professional setting, or one in which there is not daily intimate contact) to figure him out.

It took me longer.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8729 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
staystrong101
Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 1st (Friday)

This is my first post/reply. I've started my profile several times but it's so painful I keep stopping. I feel like an idiot bc I didn't know. I was also shocked and blindsided. OW was a friend of mine, her kids went to school & played sports with ours. One night our 17 year-old daughter sent her dad and me a text about her plans for night. I replied "Ok thanks for checking in." Husband replied with very sexual text. He was out on the deck sexting OW, and was so drunk he sent it to our child and me. He finally admitted this affair has been 4.5 years. He had 2 other women as well, for past year.
We've been married 23 years, with 4 kids. I knew he was selfish and went out a lot, leaving me alone to take care of kids and drive them to all their practices. But I really never thought he'd do something like this. We were also a "good family" and in spite of his faults I loved my husband and would have stayed with him forever. He says he loves me too and the affairs never meant anything. He said he never felt guilty bc "All men do this, it was separate from you and our family, it wasn't hurting you bc you didn't know" etc. He doesn't want the D but I have filed. I can't stay with someone like this. It's so painful and at times I am filled with absolute rage. I will try to do the profile soon. Sleepless - I was struck by your post and had to respond. A friend told me about this site, and reading the posts has helped me a lot. Hang in there.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Losttransport
Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Yes, I was blindsided, also. WH is an outgoing guy, most people like him. He has been a little league coach for basketball, football, baseball, and soccer (in other words, everything our children wanted to play, we were also involved in, usually due to lack of parent volunteers). But he loved it, and he's good at it. Parents like him, kids like him and listen to him. One parent just liked him too much and that's when they started.

I was trusting, and blind, and stupid. If love is blind, I don't want to be blind ever again.


Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
myalterego
Member
Member # 32756
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 1st (Friday)

{meekly raises hand}

I knew we were going through tough times... but clearly, I didn't realize the extent of his unhappiness. Our kids mean the world to him ... I can't understand why he would risk only seeing them minimally?

I will negotiate hard - either for a post nup or D (see post on R forum). I want to ask... was it really worth it???

I've come to the realization that he is broken. I don't know if he can be glued back together to something salvagable or not.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Completely blindsided. I knew she was out late on Friday nights dancing, but I believed her when she told me it was with friends from the dance studio she and our girls attended. Those people were, I thought, friends of our family. Wrong.

I trusted my wife completely. In hindsight, I trusted the wrong person. Not only did she cheat on me for almost a year, but did so like it was nothing, just a little fun on the side. A lark. She devastated me to my core.

And everyone who knew her thought she was wonderful. Including me, sadly.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:20 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I was completely blindsided after 20 years of marriage & 3 children. It was their first week back @ school & WH asked me if he could drive them to school so I could sleep in a bit. I thought it was great until he came back home after he dropped off our kids. I was barely awake & he says I have to tell you something. His revelation was that he had cheated twice with nameless sex workers:( I had NO idea that he had cheated, would have bet my house that he was faithful. We are in counseling & trying to R, but it is a rough ride! Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 37