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Reconciliation
User Topic: Did I screw up? Intimate post - need feedback from women.
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Hi, it's been a while since I've posted anything and I'm sorry I haven't been here to support people the way I was supported when I found out about my WW affair. I apologize.

Things have been going fairly well, until yesterday. MC is going well as is IC (for me), although she needs it as well, but our insurance won't allow one person to see multiple counselors at a time.

We woke up early that morning and I decided to have wake her up well. After 20 minutes or so, we enjoyed the intimacy. Clearly she did, after multiple orgasms, she began growing louder and louder. This was at approximately 6am. We live in an apartment, with our kids in the next room and neighbors above and below us.

After her fourth orgasm, she screamed so loud that our upstairs neighbors hit the floor five times in a row. At that point, we continued but without realizing it, I found myself shushing her. On the third shush, I was told "WHY ARE YOU SHUSHING ME?!?!"

I replied: "I don't want to bother the neighbors", in a meek and timid voice. She replied - "Fuck the neighbors! They are always making noise! They could have been just making noise like they always are. You care more about how they feel than you do about me. Thanks."

I thought about it and she was right, to an extent. The neighbors could care less, but she was VERY, VERY loud at 6am on a weekday.

After a few minutes past, I apologized and found my WS in the shower crying. I apologized and she said "It's just par for the course. You're always stifling my feelings." At this point, I went into our other bathroom and started to cry. I never want to supress how she or anyone else feels or expresses themselves.

We haven't been intimate since and this was after a difficult weekend which lacked intimacy, affection and sex - she was recovering from oral surgery and I was in charge of the kids and household for the weekend.

She responded positively to texts and turned it around. We began sexting each other. Eventually the day got the best of us and it fizzled out.
When she got home - very late - I was exhausted, as was she. Our two year old would not go to bed and so she fell asleep at 11, while I tended to the two year old until 12:30.

What bothers me is that last night, I told her that I loved her. She simply nodded her head and said "I know." Today I asked her "Do you love me?" She responded "why are you asking me this now?" Granted, I called her at work but it still worried me. After a non-response, she replied "Yes, of course I love you." But quite begrudgingly.

Did I screw up somehow? Any suggestions on how to go forward. Our weekly "state of the relationship" discussion should take place tonight and I'm a bit anxious about it.

Am I going crazy? It's been a little over 2 months since D-Day and there have been ups and downs but I literally am not feeling the love. I can't explain it. I'm overcome with emotion right now and feel the final death of the relationship coming.

We don't have MC until November 8th. While I feel we could use him ASAP, eventually we have to learn to deal on our own.

Any suggestions on what to do? How to act? Should I start following the 180 HARD?


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Well honestly I was always quieter when kids and people are around. Just me..
Is this how she has always been?? Is this something different? Maybe next time turn the TV on loudly!
Sit down and talk to her. IF this continues you both need to go into counseling. I mean really she is the WS and you are the BH and she has you begging for attention sorry that is a no no.. IMO! She should be thanking her lucky stars that you are willing to accept her past and move forward..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
OldCow18
Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I don't think you screwed up AT ALL. I'm not even understanding why SHE is being so emotional.

And if she's that loud, she should be shushed! Kids in the next room and neighbors banging on the floor? And you give her multiple orgasms and she's going to COMPLAIN? Whatevs.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

heartache101 - she has always been emotionally needy and demanding. she feels that I am passionless.

FYI, we already ARE in MC and this will certainly be a topic of discussion for our next session if it isn't ironed out by November 8th.

Our marriage was in trouble BEFORE the DDay. The affair is 100% her fault. The marriage is 50/50. I just get the feeling that she is done.

We have a ton of stress on us right now. I lost my job in early July and we've fallen far behind on bills. I'm considering bankruptcy. She is upset that we don't live in or own a home after five years of marriage. We're holding on to this marriage by a thread.

@oldcow18 - I agree and I'm angry at myself for feeling like I'm somehow at fault. Most women would let it go, but she takes it as a rejection and ties it into the greater scheme of our relationship instead of just looking at this incident and letting it go.

Maybe I need to let her go. But I love her and love my family and want to give it my all to stay together.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

you lost me at four orgasms...


sorry, I guess I have nothing constructive to add... I thought you did right.

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:39 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4926 | Registered: Dec 2010
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
DOH!  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

@rachelc - She is highly orgasmic. Four is actually on the low end. Part of the reason why she was upset because she wasn't DONE.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

This definitely needs to be discussed- as you already know.
IMO- this is one if those situations were what actually happened is NOT the actual issue.
A discussion about the actual boundaries that need to be in place when you are intimate. Not for you guys, but for the people around you. Is she okay with having your kids and neighbors hear? Are you? That definitely needs to be established first and foremost. My WH and I are very cognizant of our surroundings. When the kids are at sleepovers, when we are in a hotel room- these are times when we do not stifle. And we plan them- "yay we get to be loud tonight." Or beforehand- "okay it's gotta be on the down low- kids are sleeping."
That's the logical discussion.
The REAL issue is her feeling of being "stifled" by you. In what othe ways does she feel this? Can you guys talk about when she feels that way and how she would like you to respond?
R is a difficult process and emotions run high- I don't know how in going to react to situations that I would have been fine with three months ago.
You were not in the wrong for shushing her- but in the spirit of R, a discussion about how to deal with this next time needs to be had- NOT a discussion about who was right this morning.
It sounds like you are having a tough time and im so sorry for that. Talking honestly to her about it is the only smart way to go. Please watch that you don't stifle your own feelings for the sake if not stifling Hers. You are not the WS and you do have a leg to stand on here.
It sounds like you guys are struggling the way my WH and I were- layoff, no family home, etc. he as the one who cheated- he couldn't deal with the insecurities. Please don't let that be the reason you feel bad about this. Every M goes through tough times- that whole "better or worse" part of the vows comes to mind. But I understand about the stress it can place on the whole M.
I wish you the best.

Um.... And kudos on the 4 Os for crying out loud. No pun intended. :)

[This message edited by Wondertwin at 3:48 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

On the surface I would say she is overreacting to your ''shush'' however...

"It''s just par for the course. You''re always stifling my feelings."


^^This needs to be explored more in your MC session. Sounds like something she is building resentment over perhaps?


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

@Wondertwin - I'm doing my best and apparently giving a woman FOUR screaming, squirting orgasms isn't enough. To say we are struggling is a huge understatement. Of course if I were to win a PowerBall Lottery, our situation changes, but not without a postnup agreement. We have alot to discuss tonight. I'm very anxious about it but I'm sure I'll feel better once we talk about it. Thank you for your well wishes. Your story runs some parallels to mine. You've been through quite a lot as well. I don't think my wife could deal with the financial hardships the way you have. Kudos to you!

@vivere - you're correct. We'll discuss tonight during our "state of the relationship" weekly meeting. If it's not satisfied, or even if it is, it will get talked about in MC.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Communication is key.

I'm angry at myself for feeling like I'm somehow at fault.

Have you apologized for shush-ing her?

"You're always stifling my feelings."
Have you taken non-work time with her to explore this feeling?

I literally am not feeling the love.

Have you recently explained -- calmly and face-to-face -- what you need to feel loved? More sex? Daily words of affirmation while you face a tough job market?

I'm overcome with emotion right now and feel the final death of the relationship coming.
Please don't awfulize.



"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I replied: "I don't want to bother the neighbors", in a meek and timid voice
Having the neighbors pound on the floor to quiet us would have totally dampened FWH's uuummmm........errrr......stamina? How about you, Reegz? You are almost 20 years younger, so maybe you have more lead in your pencil. I can be very loud, also. It can be controlled. I make good use of a pillow sometimes. My point is, I know I can make my FWH uncomfortable if the DS is home. Out of respect to him, I control myself more when DS is home. Who's feelings are more important? Hers aren't more important than yours, Reegz.

BTW, you are only 2 months out from d-day and your WW has got this all twisted around on you? Fuck that shit!

you give her multiple orgasms and she's going to COMPLAIN? Whatevs.
First, you offer her the gift of reconciliation. Second, 4 orgasms in a row! Third, begrudgingly telling you she loves you? WTF!!!!!! She should be bending over backwards to please you and reassure you. Her sense of entitlement is disgusting to me. Fucking "stifling her feelings". Is she pissed off you stifled her feelings about the OM?

Yes, you definitely need to talk about this. However, I don't feel you owe her any kind of apology. You were uncomfortable, she should respect your feelings. It wasn't the neighbors feelings, it was yours!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:53 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

FWW here.

"WHY ARE YOU SHUSHING ME?!?!"
Uhhhh, does she need you to draw a freakin' map?

Fuck the neighbors! They are always making noise!
I can see what she means to a degree. We were neighbors with a wannabe porn star couple. Every. Single. Night. I wanted revenge on those circus freaks so bad. But lets something else into consideration. The children. I don't really care how natural sex is, or if the children are 2 or 20. Be discreet woman. You can scream like a banshee when the kids are at a sleepover or something.

Part of the reason why she was upset because she wasn't DONE.
Poor wee lamb. She got off four times which is 3 times more than most people and she wants to pitch a fit? I don't like being "robbed" anymore than anyone else, but her dramatics are uncalled for.

"It's just par for the course. You're always stifling my feelings."
Get to the bottom of this. She needs to have legit reasons. Not blame shift crap that makes everything your fault. Make sure this isn't a manipulation tactic.

After a non-response, she replied "Yes, of course I love you." But quite begrudgingly.
I dunno about anyone else, but at 2 months from Dday, I was tripping over myself, making sure my husband knew in every way possible that I loved him. I said it, I showed it. He never had to ask if I loved him. Whatever he wanted, he got, and then some.

Her sense of entitlement is disgusting
Entitlement and resentment are deadly things.

Tread carefully Reegz.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6229 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

you lost me at four orgasms...

I am there. Wow...you give her four orgasms each time? Just...wow...I...um..wow....can you give my WH lessons?

Oh...sorry...seriously....I do understand you shushing her so I think she is over reacting. And I don't understand why she wouldn't say she loved you. ETA: I believe the others,and your own, suggestion about talking it over are great. I hope it goes well. I'm sorry for the above joke...just wanted to lighten the mood a little...even though it's really not a light subject at all.

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 9:44 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I don't have any sympathy for her.

She is ignoring everyone's boundries, yours, the kids, the neighbors and she is acting like she is the only one who is mattering.

The next time she is screeching after 4 orgasms, stick a fork in her and tell her that she is DONE.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Reegz,
I hope the conversation goes well tonight. I also concur you did nothing wrong. With children in the vicinity it was appropriate.

To me, she sounds like she is manipulating you. Especially when she turned this to be about you failing to meet her needs. She led you on knowing you would be bothered by not saying I love you and by withdrawing from you. Not sure what she is trying to prove, but there is something there. I agree is also needs to be explored in MC.

If tonight's conversation doesn't help iron out the issues, I would recommend the 180. You have given her the gift of R...she is jeopardizing it with her behavior.

Hugs to you.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1596 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

So you are supposed to stuff your feelings so you donít stifle hers? IDK but I donít see a partnership trying to meet in the middle.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Two things....

First, I like the idea of discussing what is expected ahead of time...ie, no screaming due to kids or use a pillow if you need to be loud. Failure to explain expectations can easily lead to resentment.

Second, you are only 2 months out.....gently....Fuck her reaction of crying. I say that with kindness. I was way too kind and understanding after my DD. It cost me my self respect and bought my wife time to take her EA to a PA while in weekly MC sessions with scattered IC sessions ....I enabled her to continue to inflict pain on me and further damage our family. This will be a long standing regret....I use my actions then to conquer my FOO issues now so as to never return to that spot again. I pray our daughters operate from a more healthy standpoint in their future marriage should they find themselves in the role of a BS. Of course, I pray they avoid this life-event all together.

I am projecting here quite a bit...but your wifes abnormally strong reaction to your sshhhing her may be tied to your controlling nature (as she suggests) but it could also be a deflection of sorts...to push herself back from her own pain and place the source of the pain temporarily onto your shoulders. I see very few WS who have strong remorse just 2 months out.....see even fewer of those that are women. My gut tells me women that cheat have a stronger bond to their AP then men do....is harder to break. Her outburst may be a way to distance herself from working on herself....and focusing her attention more towards....It is my husbands fault....sort of thinking.

I believe conflict avoiding is a character trait of many WS....what better way to avoid the strong internal conflict inside oneself then by focusing on anyone else.

My two cents.

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:50 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3671 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

She is ignoring everyone's boundries, yours, the kids, the neighbors and she is acting like she is the only one who is mattering

Agree. And she should be putting you & the kids first right now.
You are walking on eggshells.
I also walked on eggshells after Dday.
(Not that I was afraid WH would leave---that never entered my mind because he never intended to leave---I just didn't know if I wanted him back after he did such a horrific thing.)
But I see now that I walked on eggshells, & still do sometimes, because deep down
I am afraid that he went outside of the marriage because I am unlovable(there is something intrinsically wrong with me.)
I can tell you, Reegz, that it is not your fault, anything you did (including job problems, etc.), that caused your WW to cheat on you---because just by reading your thread I sense that you are a good person, a good husband, a good father. It is not easy to really believe this about ourselves tho.
It really had nothing to do with you. It is because she is selfish.

I think you need to start the 180. Stop worrying so much if she is going to leave, & start thinking about if you want to stay with someone who would treat you that way after you gave her the pleasure of 4 orgasms.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

found my WS in the shower crying

I actually snorted when I read this. Really>? Okay, well she should get over it.

She sounds like she has a superiority complex, doesn't matter about the neighbours at SIX AM or the kids or you.

It's just not respectful.

The begrudging etc well it's not very nice is it. Waywards are supposed to be nice and respectful and sensitive to your feelings. She's not.

I lost my job in early July and we've fallen far behind on bills. I'm considering bankruptcy.

In terms of bankruptcy this is not too much I can comment on except that I hope you've looked into consolidating your debts or transferring bills onto a interest free 6 month credit card. See if you can get someone to co-sign on this, such as a relative.

Also working at a bar etc is not beneath you. I, like you was in a very precarious situation last year and worked at a bar and a telemarketing company (I was only thinking about this earlier ughhh) but as of 28/10/13! I have $500 to pay off next pay cycle and I am free!

Look into churches as well they have some great schemes and ofcourse social welfare. There are also some charity legal aid (not official) ones out there and I found it (not very) useful in my situation but I do know that a few people there had appointments for bankruptcy and they were 'saved' by the lawyers giving them template responses.

By the way if it is big telephone companies, if you escalate on them repeatedly you can generally get them to suspend the bills for a couple of months before a payment plan is instigated (did this as well).

If you don't have a house or any other big ticket loans. There seems to be always a way.
Granted this advice is based in Australia so I am not too sure how much this applies for you.

Also I am not into personally (but I do not judge) public begging but I have a few friends who cannot afford vet bill sell something in return for money (example music).

Either way your wife needs to get with the program. Would claiming bankruptcy impact her, could this stem from some of her over-emotional reactions?
Also I've heard it is nowhere near as bad in the US to claim bankruptcy??


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Wow. It's all about her, isn't it? My first thought on reading this was "what a rude, self-centered bitch!" This isn't about suppressing her feelings, this is about basic courtesy when you live in a shared environment. Is it OK to play rap at top volume at 2am because you "feel like it"? Hell, no. And the thought of the kids hearing their mom screaming from sex... oh, GROSS! ICK! *shudder*

The big question is, why are YOU comforting HER? Why are YOU worried about HER feelings? Poor dear, she cheated! Yup -- that makes sense!

Yes, 180 time. She's supposed to be winning YOU back, not vice versa. And you have to think about why you're enabling this drama queeen.

Sorry -- I know that's pretty harsh and not a gentle 2x4 at all. I have to work on the "gentle" part...

[This message edited by Blobette at 7:30 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

She is upset that we don't live in or own a home after five years of marriage.

She is? Well, why doesn't she take her massive salary and trust fund and buy a home? What's that? She has neither of those? Then who is she to be complaining about not owning a home? If she can't buy one all by herself then she really shouldn't be bitching about it to you.

And since when is screaming a feeling? It's a physical feeling, but she should really have an ounce of modesty and not want to be screaming in the scenario you've presented.

To me, it sounds like she is really upset about something else, and used this as a way to vent. I doubt this is the real issue because telling a yelling woman to keep it down is not something to flip out over.

I'm curious how the discussion went last night. Did it go well?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I have older children, but still...I don't want my kids hearing us having sex. I can control myself quite a bit so my kids aren't wanting to bang on the walls, let alone neighbors. Seriously? Is she trying to act like a porn star? Does she feel she has to be loud? I'd be horrified if I knew my kids could hear us, regardless of age. Does it turn her on to know the neighbors can hear? Is it a form of attention or validation? That just feels so off.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

did you screw up? NO, unless you count not calling her out on her selfishness.

I'm sorry but she was the WS, and she is still manipulating you and making you feel bad. Why in world does she need to put on a show, and holler and scream whan you are going at it at 6am? Seriously?
This is coming from someone who also gets to have multiple O's when we have sex, and honestly I can be really loud, but when the kids are home I try to keep it to low grunts, or use a pillow to stifle the sounds. She should have some self respect, and dignity. Not flaunting it for the kids and neighbors to know that she getting off while the rest of the world is getting up.

As far as I am concerned this is attention seeking behavior, the loudness, the crying after, the manipulative bs of "stifling" her feelings.
She needs to find a better way to express her feelings other than blaming others.

I'm sorry, but she doesn't get it yet.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8507 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Totally attention seeking as Tush says. I find it very concerning. Is she in IC?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I think what you did was perfectly reasonable and she is just looking for a reason to be mad.

And the not caring about the neighbors, much less your KIDS, makes me think she's still in selfish land.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Wow, I wish I had more time to respond to individual posts and suggestions. Maybe I will later. I apologize if I didn't respond to you personally. I am THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOUR COMMENTS, SUGGESTIONS AND CONCERN.

To respond to some specifics: Right now, she is NOT in IC. Our insurance won't allow her to see two therapists at once. Since I'm in IC, that's my therapist. The MC counts as her therapist. This is bad for us as you'll soon read/see. I don't to talk US politics. We're not allowed to in this forum.

A few of asked me to talk about what happened last night, when we talked. When I have time, I may start a new thread as this topic is evolving.

Long story short, the topic of our morning lovemaking was MINOR, although discussed and she agreed to keep it down. As I suspected, it was something much greater. As I felt, she asked to let out of the relationship. She told me that she didn't respect me and didn't feel she could move on from all of the damage that has occurred in the relationship. She told me that she is not in love with me and doesn't think she'll be able to change how she feels.

She also told me that as hard as this was, she wanted to keep the divorce/split as amicable as possible as we would be dealing with our children. She told me that she wanted to be happy and that she wanted me to be happy and that this was the best way.

She then began to be honest, finally, as she has not been completely honest in MC. She told me of a ONS before we were married, she told me of a ONS, from one year ago when her father died. She began to tell me of the sexual abuse she received as a child, and as a teenager from family members and non-family members. She told me of the two times she was raped as a teenager. As I love her, my heart sank and I felt her pain. She needs IC badly. So badly that I think I may see if I can get my shrink to go pro-bono with me, so I can be the patient for MC and she can then get the IC she desperately needs. She may be a sex addict, I don't know. But she is not a throwaway, and my family is not a throwaway. I believe that this can be salvaged, but she needs to love me and respect me and right now she doesn't. I asked her if there is any chance that her perspective could change - she responded "Yes, but I'm not sure if its possible. I don't know if I can get over it." I told her, this is why we need MC and you need IC. I reminded her that we've been in MC only two months. I asked her for a little more time to see what evolves. She did admit that things have gotten a little better but that ultimately, she doesn't feel she can shake her feelings. I kept on it and asked her to simply see the MC process out. I believe that this is part of the process.

I didn't not accept this resignation from the relationship. She did not believe my response. I told her that I had imagined the worst possible scenario. That she had sex with the NY Giants Football team for 2 years. The entire team...without protection. I put this in my head to get over her infidelities. I knew that other things had happened but that she wasn't ready to tell me.

She believes I deserve better person and partner. She's right, I do. I told her "I deserve a better YOU. Let's make it happen. I am not allowing you to quit on me, on this marriage and on this family without putting in your best possible effort in MC and IC. You haven't done that yet. When you do and it's obvious that this your feelings aren't going to change, then we're done. I told her that it was as if we were digging for oil and we were two feet from it and she decided to call it quits because we hadn't hit oil yet. I told her, "Quit being so selfish and looking for an easy way out. It's time to confront all of these issues and sort through them. If we don't make it out together, at least we'll make it out. But the lying, the cowardice, the bullshit, it all stops here and our new lives starts NOW."

FYI, last night and this AM, we did have sex, but she kept it to a minimum with volume, but doubled the orgasm rate.

While I'm glad that she was honest, I am not some monster like Ariel Castro from Cleveland, I will not hold her hostage. I just want her to honor her vows and work through the issues.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I forgot, does anyone have the direct page link/thread to doing the 180? I need it badly to protect myself and prepare for the worst case scenario if it happens and also to prepare myself to move on if needed.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Are you sure her A hasn't gone underground? A lot of her "reasons" sound very much like she may still be active in an affair.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm sure her affair/A hasn't gone underground. I have access to her phone and I am tracking it with a program, I can see what she does, what sites she went to and many other things. She did admit though that she was not completely over the affair and still has feelings for her AP. I told her that she would need to work through it. I also made it clear that contact with him is absolutely not permitted.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

You are a very compassionate man, Reegz. Kudos for what sounds like a breakthrough in honesty on your WW's part.

Yes, I agree that you both have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing your best to improve/heal yourselves.

You can find the 180 in the Healing Library. BS FAQ's #11. That is probably a good idea, Reegz. Did you get the feeling she was remorseful?

eta: Oh, just read your last post about your WW still having "feelings" for the AP. (hhmmm, had a feeling she was pissed at you for "stifling her feelings" for AP) Yeah, the 180 is an excellent idea. Do not let her cry on your shoulder about AP, which it doesn't sound like either of you have allowed this to happen.

Also, another suggestion. How about dropping MC for now since WW isn't all in anyway? I feel it is pointless to do MC in that case. Can you both go to IC's and drop the MC? I feel that would be the better thing at this point. Yes, your WW really needs IC!


[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:30 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Your wife needs counseling, desperately. If your therapist won't go probono, then please, consider pausing either your therapy or the MC. She has traumas that are far beyond the A, and then of course the A. She needs help. Please see that she gets it.

I think you are very loving to be willing to R with all of these revelations. The 'not respecting' you is concerning. Is that because you are willing to accept all of this? If so, she clearly doesn't see the strength and love that this takes, but also if it is, and you want to save your family, I think you're going to have to start making HER the one to want R, not you. She may feel that you're willing to let her walk all over you, and that isn't something most women want (or men, either).

Here is the link you've requested

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Also, regarding your comment about tracking her phone and activities - it is so very common for a WS to buy a burner phone to communicate with OP. I think this reason accounts for about 90% of the sale of these disposable phones. Please don't assume that because you can see one phone's activity that there are not other ways to communicate. She does sound very deep into it, and the A being taken underground is a very real possibility.

I'm not trying to hurt you - I'm just trying to help you see that with a WS, things are absolutely not always as they appear.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Reegz
New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

@painfulpast - Yes, you're correct, it's because of this. I told her exactly what you said, how strong I am to accept this. I'm not sure if she was buying it. I do want HER to start to want the R, I told her it would be lots of work and she needs to be willing to do it instead of taking the easy way out.

In regards to burner phone, I asked and I've searched my entire apartment. I've found nothing. You're right. Things are not always as they appear. While I feel we've made a huge breakthrough, I also feel that I'm still walking on eggshells and to make myself feel better, I'm seeing an attorney on Friday.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

If she's really a survivor of multiple abuses and rapes, she needs a good therapist who specializes in recovering from sexual abuse and/or trauma.

Not everybody in that specialty is effective as a therapist, so be very careful in picking one. One basic protection is to check to ensure the therapist hasn't been sanctioned by any state or professional organization.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10083 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 34