SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Do your Lawyers promote D instead of R?
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I have found that even though my WH and I at one time were recommending trying to R, the lawyers were pushing us to get a 4 way meeting so the settlement could be done.

I don't know if this has to do with the fact that I filed 3 years ago or what, but do you think they promote D rather than R?

It makes this process even more confusing to those of us with fear of ending it.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Surprisingly while interviewing several attorneys the one I ended up choosing had recommended a marriage counselor if I felt that there was any shot of saving my marriage in the interview meeting.

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 6:37 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52327 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I think typically that once you file for divorce, the attorneys are going to think that's the course you want to take, and move forward in that direction. After all, that's what you're paying them to do. If you change your mind, it's up to you to let your lawyer know.

Otoh, for those people who are just going in for an initial consultation, an attorney's response might be different.

If you're still having conflicting feelings, talk to an IC, not your attorney. Attorneys generally charge a lot more per hour than therapists.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12151 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
HeartStings
Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I consulted with 3 lawyers. Two emphatically told me to suck it up for at least 3 more years based on the facts presented, if not forever. The third one I could almost see the dollar signs spinning in her eyes as she talked about hiring a forensic accountant, taking depositions, hiring PIs, etc.

Since my WH travels most of the time, I have decided to follow the advice of the first two.


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Divorce lawyers promote whatever will allow them the greatest billing opportunities.

If you think anything else is going on but that, you are not paying attention.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Divorce lawyers promote whatever will allow them the greatest billing opportunities.
If you think anything else is going on but that, you are not paying attention.

This is completely untrue, and it's really a great disservice to post things like this on SI.

(((Torn2Bits))), I think that since your husband has been abusive, the vast majority of people you meet are going to think that divorce is your best option. I've met with probably ten attorneys throughout my own 2+ year divorce, and none have pushed me to do anything.

I agree that an IC is much cheaper than an attorney. When you go to see an attorney, you should be asking factual questions and not really getting into issues of "should I stay or go?"

(((HUGS)))



Posts: 1701 | Registered: Oct 2011
mom of 2
Member
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

IMOO, of course lawyers promote divorce. They are not marriage counselors, they are DIVORCE attorneys.

I would never expect a divorce attorney to promote R anymore than I would a MC to promote divorce.


Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)


Posts: 13319 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I would never expect a divorce attorney to promote R anymore than I would a MC to promote divorce.

I had two separate marriage counselors tell me to get divorced!


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Oct 2011
mom of 2
Member
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I had two separate marriage counselors tell me to get divorced!


Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)


Posts: 13319 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I think it is like anything else in life, there are good and bad in lawyers too. I think a lawyer especially a divorce lawyer needs to have empathy. I went to see lawyers at the lowest time of my life, most do and the ones that showed no empathy to me I did not hire. I feel they should identify with the client and be a pitbull toward the spouse ( please don't say I stereotyped pitbulls )lol. I also think some try to make money , of course but that is business , you should know the difference,just like if you over pay for something in a store.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 662 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

IMOO, of course lawyers promote divorce. They are not marriage counselors, they are DIVORCE attorneys.

^^^This

Divorce L are not therapist (how many times have we said that on this board?). They are trained to navigate the courts and the law for a D. Their professional goal is to close your case, whether thru a D decision or you dropping the case.

torn2bits, you have to understand that you have been on your L's "to do" list for 3 years. He (or she) wants to clear his list, just like you and I want to clear our own to do list of things to fix around the house.

If they are pushing but you are not ready then push back. But you have to ask yourself, has anything changed in 3 years? After 3 years if you are not in R then you are in limbo purgatory. Is that really where you want to be?

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17638 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Snapdragon
Member
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I never asked my attorney her opinion about whether or not I should get a divorce. Nor did she give me her opinion. An attorney is not a mental health counselor or relationship mentor.

Frankly, by the time I hired mine I was 100% "in" for a divorce. Based on what I told her, she couldn't disagree with me.

She did everything she could to keep my costs down. She was an independent, so didn't have to report hours to the "board". I was in her office in the evening retyping the agreement based on the newest changes. I did the work that her admin or paralegal would have done and she let me do it. She knew my salary. She was on my side, not trying to fleece me for every penny. She was there to protect my rights. I'll never forget her!


Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink


Posts: 3082 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

First lawyer I consulted with didn't think I should get divorced over something as petty as porn. He simply did not get it. Tried to shame me.

Second lawyer, who I hired, asked me repeatedly if I was sure I wanted to D. Then, after the D was underway, she conveniently went MIA. Did nothing at all to get me divorced.

Third lawyer, who I hired to replace second lawyer, was horrified that I stayed married so long. He was also upset with the second lawyer who did next to nothing to get me divorced. He's never questioned my decision to D.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9715 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm confused as to why you continued to consult with the attorneys when you were considering R. Of course they would advocate for D if you were actively involved with them, as that's what they do.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20228 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

The state I live in has a Legal Separation option. When I first hired a lawyer, that was my goal, Legal Separation.

The first lawyer I consulted with kept pushing divorce, so I moved on to another. This one was perfectly happy to file for Legal Separation. He said his job was to 'follow my instructions, not tell me what to do.' I did end up deciding on divorce, but I did it in my own time in my own way.

They key is to find a Lawyer that works for you.


ETA

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 12:40 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone!

I have never really been in R. I just wondered what your experience was.

Yes, my WH has been playing tricks on me and asked me to go on dates,etc. I found out that he is seeing someone and a great sign of that is he has not been taking the kids.

My L is an old friend of my mom's who is an attorney. She has not steered me either way, however my WH's attorney is definitely out for racking up the bills.

WH is still abusive and he thought I was going to fall for his manipulation.

He is trying to control me. I haven't lived with him for ze years!

All of you great people, and my family have helped me to realize he is not the man I married.

I am full steam ahead with the D, its just that part about closing the door to that chapter in my life that's difficult.

He is and is going to be ugly and cruel during the settlment meeting and beyond. Thankfully I have all of you and the full support of my 5 other siblings and parents!

I just can't believe that he thought I would fall for him asking me to put my ring on while all the while he was going to court to file a motion to get more assets this week!!!! Snake!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

There are two major aspects to a divorce, the emotional side and the business side. Lawyers should be sensitive and show empathy for their clients who are in pain and who are worried sick about what will happen to their children and their finances. This is a life changing event.

By the same token, we (I am an attorney so I have a bit of a different POV), are most interested in protecting our clients. We have seen lots and know that people can be horrible to each other once the marriage is to the point of having to consult with us. Sometimes, the best way to protect the client, which includes making sure the money is not squandered, the children are safe, and the debt doesn't continue to build, is by filing for divorce.

My divorce attorney felt bad for me as I sat in her office and cried during my first two appointments. She knew I did not want this divorce. At the same time, she knew he wasn't going to save it. As much as i hated it, i knew that her job was to protect me now that I was an adversary to my own husband.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2811 | Registered: Jan 2011
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

suckstobeme, you really said it!

My kids are so messed up from this ordeal. WH stripped us of all of our assets except the house he wants. I am living in an apartment with 3 kids; way to small, but he ruined my credit so I can't buy my own house.

Its just mess. My L has been doing this for 30 years. I trust she knows what she is doing, but I am just plain tired of it all.

Hopefully very soon I won't have to be using my vacation days to go to court.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 18