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Just Found Out
User Topic: Which way is up?
HoldOnHope
New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

In need of support. My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years.

Four months ago I would have told you that we were excellent at communicating and had a wonderful,close, loving marriage. He is an amazing husband and father and I truly believed my husband would NEVER cheat.

September 2011 a complete stranger sent a Facebook message to me stating that her friend was behaving inappropriately with my husband, and at the very least my husband was sexting OW. Although I had had suspicions about this OW, I was not even aware this Facebook message existed until July 2013. D-day was July 23, 2013 and my husband was out of state. When confronted that night, he admitted to sexting with this OW. A few days later he returned home and admitted to sexting with a total of 3 women and kissed one of them. A couple days later he admitted to sexting with a total of 5 OW and kissed two of them. After the first session of marriage counseling I learned he got a BJ from one of the OW. All of this was going on throughout our entire marriage.

Husband seems genuinely remorseful, willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage, has been attending weekly therapy for himself as well as marriage counseling, and SWEARS he will never cheat in any form every again because “he can’t stand to think of life without me”. Through therapy he has identified some of the reasons for his cheating, which include lack of self-esteem, immaturity, and attraction to the thrill of something forbidden. He realizes the consequence of his actions may be divorce.

I am grateful that he appears to love me and wants to make our marriage work. He is a decent man and a great father and I CAN find redeeming qualities that are worth fighting for in our marriage. In some ways, we have become closer since D-day. However, this discovery nearly crushed me. I’ve gone through every emotion 100 times over since D-day and at the end of the day I just feel lost. I do see my own therapist, too, and it isn’t really helping. “Forgiveness” is not in my repertoire of mastered skills and it’s something I am struggling to learn how to do. I made it very clear to my husband while we were first dating that I do not tolerate lying yet here I am, trying to accept that he lied to me during our entire marriage. The anger and resentment are slowly breaking me down and I honestly don’t know how to find my way back to happiness.


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Welcome to SI

You sound like you have much of the bases covered in terms of you and your husband are each seeking help. As for forgiveness, it may take time. You might have to try daily to forgive and eventually you will. As for not tolerating lying, I don't think you are tolerating it. The issue is being addressed so leaving isn't a necessity to prove that you aren't tolerating lying. Your situation is multidimensional and you are wise to take it all in before make a decision on the direction you want to head in.

I do encourage you to peek through the healing library and the BSFAQ section and to keep posting for support.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51942 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

Welcome here HOH,

Like Moo (that's was we call MovingUpward here) said, it sound like your H has taken some positive steps forward. Now, even so, it's going to take time for you to work through this and rebuild the trust you had in the relationship. It's like being kicked off a ladder - you hit the bottom and have to climb up all over again.

"Forgiveness" can be a tricky word. Perhaps for now "acceptance" might be better. You don't approve of what he did, but you accept the fact that it is a reality and make a conscious effort to move forward in your life from there. Small steps make the journey.

It's normal to feel confused and not know what you want. It's normal to feel angry as you were betrayed. Give yourself the time to understand what it is that you need and make your decisions when you are ready. The consistency of his action over time will show him for who he truly is. He is capable of change - the big question is if he is willing. In the meantime though, you can focus on yourself and your own personal healing. Know what your goal is, let it be real to you, and eventually you will get there.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm glad that your husband sounds remorseful. That is very encouraging.

He needs to do the heavy lifting in making you feel safe and secure in your relationship going forward. He should be totally transparent in all that he does and give you passwords to all accounts, Facebook, Email, etc.

It is going to be a long road. SerJR is spot on in saying it's like falling off a ladder and having to climb up again. Sometimes it's again, and again, and again.

What I want to make sure you know is that you are going to go through a whole series of emotions from day to day...probably even minute to minute. It is COMPLETELY normal! Before I found this site I thought I was losing it. When I got on here and started reading, I realized that everything I was doing was so normal.

Post or vent here as much as you like. Sometimes more information comes out when you think you have everything. Don't be surprised. You're kind of experiencing that with his "total of 3 women" to "total of 5 women." (This is what I meant when I said you may fall off that ladder again and again). When that happens and you need to talk, come here. We are all here for you!

(((HoldOnHope)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
HoldOnHope
New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate the support (reassurance that I'm not going crazy with these wildly changing emotions) as well as the advice to look at the healing library and BSFAQ.

SerJR- I'm certainly struggling to even accept that this is my reality but that is a better goal to work towards for now than trying to figure out how to forgive him this quickly.


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 5