SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Not sure how I feel....
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
What?  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

WH is on my butt all the time. No, not a sexual reference, but almost literal. Most wives would love this, but I am weirded out. No, I'm not suspicious of him. In fact, I think he is genuinely trying to show me he loves me. He was off work yesterday and hugged me all day long -- while I was cooking, when I was going to the car, when I was on my way to the bathroom, anytime I walked pass him.
It isn't that this is a bad thing, but I feel suffocated in some ways. I don't know what to make of it. He's always been affectionate but has barely talked to me for the past year or so, let alone hugging me all the time.

I don't want to reject him but sometimes i just don't feel it..the affection back.

He is absolutely doing everything correct -- going to counseling (individual and marriage) and he's meeting weekly with our pastor. He is offering me his laptop, his phone, his ipad, his work computer, whatever I want to see. He's given me the passwords to everything.

He has her blocked on FB and the phone.

My neighbor knows the OW's family and says not only is she still 10 states away but there has been NO contact with WH and she told the family that from what she sees it will stay that way. She made sure the family knew that we are working on our marriage and have no use for her.

I'm not really sure why I"m writing this. I guess just because I'm not sure what I'm feeling about all this affection. ETA: I like it, but sometimes feel smothered and then I feel guilty for feeling smothered. Weird? Yeah..I don' t know..there is a reason I was in therapy even before dday.

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 10:49 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)

I get all the attention I ever craved but never got from fwh.... And it's just not the same. I want to be left alone, but not at the same time. I can't help the, 'well now you're willing to put some effort into us' feelings. But it jury doesn't feel the same or mean as much. ((Topperoff22))


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

That would make me crazy. I wonder if it's a kind of 'possessiveness'? Maybe he is worried that you will have a RA, and so he is overcompensating. My H was very jealous and insecure after he confessed his A. Even during, he acted very possessively towards me. I don't get it.

When my kids get clingy like that, it's because they are worrying about something and needing reassurance. Or they're guilty of something.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Healinggirl
Member
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

My fWh was the same after we decided to reconcile, and I felt smothered, too, especially as my feelings were that I really wanted to distance myself because I was so devastated and hurt.

I think that when they realize what they almost lost and what a prize idiot they've been, they overcompensate. Of course, guilt is there, but my fWH said he's so grateful for this chance of reconciliation that he wants to make it up to me. He said he still (even now) can't quite believe he's still here.

I had to gently explain that I'd been hurt so all it felt a bit much for me. He understood. But I never told him to stop because I knew this was his way of saying how sorry he is with actions as well as words.

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 3:01 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW Home wrecking, work-shy, gold-digging secondary abuser

D Day 11 November 2012
Reconciling

You can't scale a mountain in a single step


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

We went through the same thing. AndI was torn because all I wanted was his affection and proof that he wanted to be with me. But the over abundance of it threw me off completely. It almost triggered me because I knew why he was doing it. Maybe not the exact details ... But I knew it was the A.
He calmed down after a bit- now it's more affection than before but not this insane need to always be in contact. I am learning to appreciate it. While it was going on, I let my mood dictate how I responded. Unfortunately that meant sometimes rebuffing his efforts- but then I would explain why I needed space. He really had to understand it because I just wasn't available like he wanted me to be- but that wasn't my fault.

We are better now and he has calmed down a bit- I do think it was fear and realization on his part that he almost lost me.
Hang in there- honesty is key to all of this. Occasionally I think I feel guilty when he does things that show true remorse and I just can't respond- like I'm killing R or something. But- this cannot happen overnight. Saying you want R and everything goin back to normal - or better than normal- are two different things.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Quite some time ago there was a post in the wayward forum (I think it was by uncertainone, if I am not mistaken) in which she spoke of the fact that the hormones released when you fear losing someone are very similar to those released when you fall in love. There is kind of a hormonal rush going on. My fWH was so touchy-feely and clingy and OTT in-love in the first few weeks after D-Day that it drove me mad I eventually told him bluntly to give me some space. Thankfully it wore off after a while!!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

My husband did this a few months after. It did suffocate me too. He was trying to reassure himself I wasn't going to leave him by being overly affectionate. He was scared to death I was one foot out the door.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

My husband did this a few months after. It did suffocate me too. He was trying to reassure himself I wasn't going to leave him by being overly affectionate. He was scared to death I was one foot out the door.

I guess this is what he is doing. He came home from meeting with our pastor last week after we'd had a fight and started crying and holding me, begging me not to leave him. It was unnerving. I told him i wasn't going to and I mean it. That isn't my plan. Sometimes I want to run away because letting him in again freaks me out.I don't want to be hurt again and I don't want my hurt to hurt him -- for me to do something stupid out of hurt. But I committed to working things out so I have to take it one day at a time and keep pushing forward. Sometimes I worry he has more to tell me but he's too paranoid to tell me because he's afraid I'll leave and take our son from him (and the new baby which I'm still in denial about until I see an ultrasound...this whole pregnancy thing is really freaking surreal. I was so sick with our son and have no symptoms with this one.) And I'll admit that in the beginning I wanted our son as far away from him as possible and I did make that part of a conversation at one point, but have not really thought of doing it.

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 10:37 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Maybe he is worried that you will have a RA, and so he is overcompensating.

I don't think so but maybe. I admitted to him early on in this process a family member (by marriage) had been trying to contact me and convince me to have an RA with him to get "over all of this". Um...he's married too and to someone very close to my WH so it was super weird and uncomfortable and while OW is 10 states away now, this guy is 2 miles down the road. However, the way this guy went about it was soooo sleazy I now regret even talking to him and just seeing a photo of him makes me start to gag. We had to remove every photo of him we had from our house (which I think was actually only one from his wedding to said family member) and I blocked him on FB and unfriended everyone else from the family.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Occasionally I think I feel guilty when he does things that show true remorse and I just can't respond- like I'm killing R or something. But- this cannot happen overnight. Saying you want R and everything goin back to normal - or better than normal- are two different things.
Exactly!


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

He keeps sending me a text "I love you" when I told him I am down today and just having a hard time. I can't seem to bring myself to send back the same. I do love him...I just....ugh...feel like all this attention is so shitty at times when he was telling her the same thing.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 11