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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: he wants me back...of course he does..
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

He had an affair and divored me.He left me and my dd for the ow.He was so in love.Never gave me a chance.NOW... he is crying he wants his family back.I was the perfect wife and mom.As much as I want my family back..its a little too late

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry ideservebetter45, that has to be very conflicting to hear. I'm sure it was something you wanted to hear for a long time, but now it is too late.

(((ideservebetter45)))


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

(((((ideservebetter))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25744 | Registered: Aug 2011
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Thank you. I am very sad.I wanted it so bad.I wanted it for my dd.Why now?? Why? My heart hurts so very bad.It would make dd so happy. but he hurt me too bad..too much..too many times..

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

It's just another example of cruelty and selfishness. And, another example of his truly broken insides. Normal, healthy people don't demolish their wives and children like that, only to try to go back and pour salt in the wound once the "love" with OW fades.

I'm sorry he did that to you. They have no idea how badly we wish they would stand up and fight for us at the moment the bomb goes off. It's just way too late now.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

very, very cruel..so painful.Thank you all so much for the replies..

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

its awful! I hated it when my X did this kind of stuff too me.

you do deserve better!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Take this admission that all things come full circle. You do deserve better.
The grass is not always greener. In many situations, when a WS choses the AP with romantic illusions of great romantic vision, the bubble burst when normal day to life sets in. The exciting affair begins to show signs of cracks, and the comparison to the quality partner betrayed and left behind begins to look much more inviting.
I have often thought if the WS would put as much effort into the marriage as carrying on the affair.....there would be less affairs and stronger marriages. IMHO

Just my thoughts.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

That would floor me. I'm wishing you lots of strength & resiliency in getting past this. ((((HUGS)))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Why now?? Why?

Because he is a selfish, self absorbed person lacking empathy. He either cannot understand at all what he did to you and your child or he doesn't care.

He is hoping he can manipulate your kind nature, yet how could you ever fully trust he would not do something like this again?

He is broken and not liking his new reality and looking for a soft place to fall.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2708 | Registered: Jan 2010
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Because he is a selfish, self absorbed person lacking empathy. He either cannot understand at all what he did to you and your child or he doesnt care.

This...exactly..


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Thank you. I am very sad.I wanted it so bad.I wanted it for my dd.Why now?? Why? My heart hurts so very bad.It would make dd so happy. but he hurt me too bad..too much..too many times..
and he would do it again. and again. and you would have to start over again. the 2nd affair after R hurts worse than the first. you are lucky you got out when you did.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry he did that to you. They have no idea how badly we wish they would stand up and fight for us at the moment the bomb goes off. It's just way too late now.

^^^this.
I am sooo sorry. I feel your pain. My STBWXH has been calling, texting, emailing constantly. We have a dog that was bitten by a rattlesnake. He is now out of the woods and well on his way to full recovery. I know my H. Things aren't going so well. He is using this as a way "in". It's only a matter of time. I cannot help but ask, "Why couldn't he see this when I, me me me me, needed this?"
It's because he is selfish. Too little too late. Stand your ground. Your DD does not need him hurting her mommy over and over and over. He is coming back tail between his legs, but he hasn't done the work on himself...not true remorse.
hugs, lots of them!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I bet if you asked him why he deserves a second chance after betrayal and ripping your heart out, your DD's heart out and decimating your M and family he would actually try to come up with a reason. Like I've learned my lesson or I'll make you happier than ever before.

Rather than the true answer of he doesn't deserve another chance.

When we come at things as though we deserve them when we really don't, we never truly appreciate them for the gift that they are.

I'm sorry he's bringing this pain and conflict back into your life with his selfishness.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

This happens so often. The grass is rarely greener.

But to come back after the divorce, after devastating one's family I agree, is the ultimate cruelty. But I'm not surprised, I'm positive you were a wonderful wife and mother. He experienced that all too familiar feeling of "where did the excitement go??"

This happened in my first divorce from my first WH,(he tried hard to get me back) and if it happens again I won't be surprised, though I'm definitely not holding my breath. Nor waiting for it.



WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

It's just another example of cruelty and selfishness. And, another example of his truly broken insides. Normal, healthy people don't demolish their wives and children like that, only to try to go back and pour salt in the wound once the "love" with OW fades.

^^^^

I'm sorry, ideservebetter. What pain you must be in. How dare he. I used to dream that my STBXWW would do this--come pleading back; now it would be a nightmare. Such tragic stories here...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Thank you guys so much for the support..my heart hurts so much. I wanted this so badly a year ago.I wanted him to fight for us..he told me once when i was crying "to suck it up".He caused me so much pain.. dating her right in front of my face..she was our neighbor. HUMILIATED me all over town.why is this even bothering me? Why don't i just tell him to suck it up?? Please give me strength guys!

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Thank you guys so much for the support..my heart hurts so much. I wanted this so badly a year ago.I wanted him to fight for us..he told me once when i was crying "to suck it up".He caused me so much pain.. dating her right in front of my face..she was our neighbor. HUMILIATED me all over town.why is this even bothering me? Why don't i just tell him to suck it up?? Please give me strength guys!

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

First, (((hugs))). Second:
Why don't i just tell him to suck it up?? Please give me strength guys!
Try saying this to him once, without expressing any emotion, and you may just find that is incredibly cathartic and freeing to finally be the one doling out the rejection rather than being on the receiving end. Perhaps your heart will hurt a little less when you harden it when dealing with only him.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Sure he does, until the next skirt that catches his eye comes along. Don't fall for the crocodile tears, he is just feeling sorry for himself. It is all about him still. Even if you opened the door a little, once he thinks he has you he would be out looking again.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Wow. I am so sorry. I know I would have done ANYTHING if my stbx said that he wanted his family back after dday. If he had an ounce of remorse.

Like your name states, you do deserve better. Much much better. I wish I could buy a bottle of strength for you and mail it but all I can do is send it through this post. !!!!!STRENGTH!!!!!

You asked, "Why don't i just tell him to suck it up??" You're right ~ why don't you?


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

It is called Hoovering and it is very, very common.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

I fell for it hook, like and sinker. I mean, dude was suicidal. Crying so hard. On his knees begging. Wailing like a banshee. OF COURSE that had to be remorse, right?

Nope. Not even close. He was just looking for a bandaid. Unfortunately for him this bandaid came with a little too much sting.

He found a cheap bandaid pretty quickly.

20 weeks after S, after a 3m False R of solid "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes", many many late nights talking ad nauseum about everything under the sun....

20 weeks after S this 40 y/o loser announces he is ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher, prior OW (I didn't really suspect her - I trusted her taste more than I trusted his fidelity).

Ignore his pretty words. Keep up STRICT NC. DO NOT GET SUCKED IN.

If he really does have true remorse then he will continue to do the work on himself whether or not you maintain strict NC. If he does have true remorse the changes in him will last a lifetime.

Right now he is buttering you up, sucking up and begging/pleading. If you do get sucked in he will resent you for making him beg.

Nothing has changed except his strategy.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ideservebetter45
Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Wow.. you guys are awesome! Yes..he is feeling sorry for himself. .yes..he would do it again. .yes.. the sparks obviously going out w OW..I'm better than this! I do deserve better! He thought she was his "angel"..screw him! He caused me and my beautiful girl sooo much pain..no crying today! U guys are the best! Thank you♡

Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

If he really does have true remorse then he will continue to do the work on himself whether or not you maintain strict NC. If he does have true remorse the changes in him will last a lifetime.


Yes, I remember someone on here saying they continued to live their own life and they watched the WS and the WS went into counseling without being told, and worked on himself FOR himself and the couple actually got back together.

I think your WS sounds like an alcoholic does after they have been arrested, paid the fines, etc. They SAY they arent' going to drink again, but they DO NOTHING to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Stay strong, 180, continue to make a good life for your daughter and you, and NC with XWS. You can always glance over at him and see if his actions match the crap he's handing out to you...

I also said that the way my WS treated me AFTER DDAY was the reason I'd never go back with him....Someone who could be that cruel to me when I was at my lowest low has something wrong with them,,, and it's way beyond my power to fix them. I also could not (and my children don't deserve) to have to go thru another DDAY.

Write down all the things he did bad to you, and read it when you THINK you might want to get back with him....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2215 | Registered: Jan 2012
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

STBX has only done this to me when things weren't going so great in fantasyland.

My guess is your ex didn't have an epiphany and break up with OW and decide that he wants to fight for you and his family. My guess is that OW broke up with him, and now he's scared that he will be alone, so he's throwing fishing lines out and seeing what will bite. DON'T BITE!!

They can be so cruel, too. After D-Day, I worried so much about my kids. I thought that I better try to R for them. Him? Not worried at all about the kids, saying that they will be fine, etc.. And then when he tried to hoover me, he would guilt me with the kid excuse. "Don't you want to try for the kids?" OMG, what a bunch of bullshit!! It's really an unfair, dirty fight that they start playing. Like now he's worried about the kids? Bullshit. He's just scared to be alone. Some people just can't handle being single..

As others have said, don't jump back into this right now. The best way to figure out if he really wants you back is to bide your time and see what he does. If he is really dedicated to change, then you will see that.

If he's anything like my STBX, those words were all just manipulation, and you will realize soon enough that you weren't the only fishing line he put out there..

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Wait and see if he really deserves you.

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I'm sorry. This happened to me and it turned out to be a trick.

Be weary.

Tread lightly.

Hold your cards away from a mirror so no one else can see and keep them close at hand...

And I'm sorry for your stress.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

she was his "angel"

Looks like his "angel" grew some horns, eh?

Oh well. Too bad, so sad for him. I'm with the posters who told you to give his "suck it up" line right back to him!

I'm so sorry though that you have to deal with this - you are moving on with your life and he throws this friggin wrench into it.

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
lost4now
Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Stay NC! My STBXH did this to me as well. Many times! After each dday....he cried, begged, fell on the floor wailing, threw up for days. Each time he promised me the world. He tried to fix things for a little bit, then started back up with the same OW. And she took him back each and every time. This last time 8/2012 I told him after the holidays he could leave. I wanted a divorce. He finally (after 5 years) started going to counseling. On Jan 6 2013 he moved out. Promised the kids he would do everything in his power to "win" me back. He told me even if we did divorce he would continue to fight for me and hoped we could get remarried!! Within 3 weeks he was taking OW out to lunch!!!!!

Really!!!!! You can't make this shit up. He didn't mean any of it. He just didn't. He's one messed up individual. I am so much happier with him out of my life!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Yes, he has caused you and your daughter too much pain to trust him again. My daughter and I have been through the same deal and SHE is the one that told me to stay away last time. She loves WH of course, but does not want me to get hurt again because it hurts her to see me in pain.

Stay strong.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

There are those here who have R after D. I am sure that they will all say that there is a HUGE difference between saying he wants you back and being the man who takes action to be the man you deserve. Saying he wants it doesn't mean he will earn R. ��


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
myperfectlife
Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Stay NC! My STBXH did this to me as well. Many times! After each dday....he cried, begged, fell on the floor wailing, threw up for days. Each time he promised me the world. He tried to fix things for a little bit, then started back up with the same OW. And she took him back each and every time. This last time 8/2012 I told him after the holidays he could leave. I wanted a divorce. He finally (after 5 years) started going to counseling. On Jan 6 2013 he moved out. Promised the kids he would do everything in his power to "win" me back. He told me even if we did divorce he would continue to fight for me and hoped we could get remarried!! Within 3 weeks he was taking OW out to lunch!!!!!

I could have written this VERBATIM (Except the last line because the Divorce is not final yet, and who knows what he will do).
I know it is tempting to let him creep back into your heart. I have been there a hundred times.
Stop and think about your life. Not the life you had with him, but YOUR LIFE. What you want for yourself.
You.
Deserve.
Better.
Read that. Hear it. Live it.
You.
Deserve.
Better.
You do.
He can just suck it up.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
LAFA
Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 1st (Friday)

To repeat a classic here:
No fishing in this pond.
This pond has no water.
Fuck off.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Topic Posts: 32