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User Topic: The day after the first date
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm so paranoid and impatient. I've been talking to this person for a few weeks... he's been wanting to take me out, and I've put him off, until last night. I wanted to get to know him, take it slow, etc...

Seemed to go well. I think it went well. He kissed me bye at the end of the night and said he'd talk to me today.

Haven't heard from him. I know it isn't even noon yet, but I've been hearing from him often every day.

I'm just being stupid, right? I am feeling a little unsure now, and thinking of all the things he may not have liked about me. WTF is my problem...

Oh well - just first date so I guess if he disappears, it's no loss. I have no feelings whatsoever - yet... but I was happy when I went to bed last night, and now feel kinda let down.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm just being stupid, right?
Deep breath, honey. You're not being stupid, you're interested and think he is too and you're anxious for proof of that.

So breathe. Carry on with your day. And try not to micro analyze or clock watch, ok?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25259 | Registered: Aug 2011
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Thanks... sheesh... too many bad experiences with jerks, I guess.

Maybe I should put the phone in my purse and not even look at it.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Would that help? Would you be able to leave it alone and focus your attention elsewhere?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25259 | Registered: Aug 2011
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm ok...

Ya know, I can't help but sit here thinking why do people do that? Seems to be the norm, for me at least. Good morning texts, how is your day going texts in the middle of the day. How was your workout - after the gym... etc... like total polite effort - then NOTHING after the date.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

During your date last night did me make any mention of being out of pocket today for work? Meetings? Off site work?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197679 | Registered: May 2002
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

some people are great behind the keyboard, but not so much in real life.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3340 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

DS - he didn't specifically say anything about today, but he is some kind of manager at a marina, and I know he said something about they are starting winter hours and winterizing. Yesterday he sent a pic of them taking a nice boat out of the water - in winter here they dry dock most boats.

This morning it was pouring, so I guess he could be super busy with the weather being shitty and the winterizing. I know I shouldn't jump to any conclusions, but like I said, past experience has made me paranoid.

[This message edited by stupidstupidme at 11:38 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

(((SSM)))

Well, I'm betting he's just super busy with getting the boats ready and working against the nasty weather.

It's been over 22 years since I was in the dating circuit, but is it total taboo for you to send him a text later this afternoon saying "just wanted to say hi and thanks again for last night" type thing if you haven't heard from him?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197679 | Registered: May 2002
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Did you send him the "Thanks for the nice evening, blah, blah,blah" text?

If not, you could do that to get the conversation started.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Some people need time to digest the experience of a first date. Give a person space. Focus your mind on your own life and what makes you happy. Don't let the first date jitters which are normal throw you off your center.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5812 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

He kissed me bye at the end of the night and said he'd talk to me today.

That does not mean you can't start the conversation. Just sayin


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I totally get what you are feeling today. I have been on 30+ first dates in the last2 years and I've felt the exact thing you are feeling about 20 times. (the other 10+ times were when I DIDN'T want him to be interested in me). IMO, these two things are conclusions you can make at this point of the game 1) His not texting means nothing 2)His not texting means something. And the thing is, you won't know which one it is until you know. I've had great first dates that went nowhere. I've had so-so first dates that ended up with me getting to know a great guy. After over 2 years of doing this, I still can't predict what will happen!

This is what I would do in your situation, Go ahead and text him later today if you haven't heard from him by mid afternoon. Text him only once, if he doesn't reply let it be and don't text him again. If he does reply, keep it casual and brief in your reply.

Lower your expectations. You're right about this:

Oh well - just first date so I guess if he disappears, it's no loss.
You'll be disappointed and okay if he disappears. You haven't invested anything except a few hours of your time.

Chill. Let him make the next move. Be involved in your life today. When you find yourself worrying let worry go. Do this 1000 times if you have to.

You are not paranoid, impatient or stupid--you're HUMAN!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I got caught up with my boss and got busy for a while, so that's good. LOL

I did send a similar text to what he sends me "how is your day going" and made a joke about mine. He replied a little while later "lol" then "busy"

I didn't respond and don't plan to. He's busy, and I leave work in an hour, get Bunt, and have a lot to do with him to get ready for Halloween tomorrow. I also have a busy busy five days ahead of me, which is good.

Guess I'll hear from him later... or not. Thanks!!! Needed to talk it out though.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Oh well - just first date so I guess if he disappears, it's no loss. I have no feelings whatsoever - yet... but I was happy when I went to bed last night, and now feel kinda let down.

This happened to me.....had "what I thought" was the perfect 1st date...he told me how he had a great time and wanted to take me out again.....and then POOF! I went to bed extremely happy.....and by the end of the week realized that I was apparently the only one who had fun. It was extremely frustrating. I hate that feeling..... but its unfortunately a big part of online dating. I just have to work on thickening up my skin. I'm WAY too sensitive.

Its very possible that he is busy and will contact you soon. Don't freak out just yet!

I did send a similar text to what he sends me "how is your day going" and made a joke about mine. He replied a little while later "lol" then "busy"

I'm not a fan of his response. Maybe I'm being my usual over-sensitive self but this reminds me of a response I got back from a guy that I had gone on a 1st date with whom I nicknamed "triathlon dad." He was going out of town for a whole week and had "put off" our 2nd date for after his trip....and I sent him a text on the day he was leaving just saying that I hoped he had a safe trip and I looked forward to seeing him when he got back.... and his response was, "thank you, I'm looking forward to working uninterrupted" and I never heard from him again. Jerk.

I don't like the short responses he gave you. They seemed cold to me. But, maybe he really is busy.... but I've heard that no one is too busy to contact someone they REALLY want to contact. Let's see how the day and night play out. He may redeem himself....but right now, I want to smack him for you..

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Thanks. Not online dating - he's a friend of a good friend of mine.

I guess there's pros and cons to getting to know someone for a while before the first date. I prefer it because I think when the date comes, I feel like I already "know" them, and it takes the awkwardness out.

Yet, in a case like this, I guess the con could be that if it doesn't click for one or both people in person, the let down might be a little more - like since we've been talking and getting to know each other for several weeks.

I guess we shall see......... I'm very glad I have a lot of fun and time consuming things coming up over the next several days.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Shelley - just saw the rest of your post...

I agree. I didn't like it either. Not when EVERY other day has been all initiated contact from him, and never short one word shit... never.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

and.......

If you don't click with someone and don't want to see them again, just be honest and say so! I don't blame him for not doing it in person last night - I probably wouldn't either. But even a text would be appropriate at this point "hey is was great getting to know you, but I don't really think this is something that will work for me" or something like that... I would.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I debated about posting this here. Maybe it should be it's own post. I don't know.

Please don't take this as me brushing off your anxieties. I remember how nerve wracking the whole dating thing is. I hated it.

But... try not to stress out about it. The funny thing is, if you meet someone that it really works with, it... well, it just works. Even when things really do go wrong on a date. Even when the other person sees you at your worst. Even when you see the other person at his worst. You get past it.

When you don't... be glad. I know that's a lot easier to say than do, and definitely a lot easier for someone like me who is remarried and happy with my partner. But I know that at least for me, every time I tried to force things, and worried about what the other person thought all the time, and worried if he would call or not, and.... well, you know the drill.... I found that I was usually working too hard at something that was never going to work in the first place.


Posts: 2394 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I think the "busy" is usually an excuse. Unless you're a brain surgeon with back-to-back cases you can spare a few secs to text.

I work 14 hour shifts where I don't get to eat-but at some point I do go to the BR-and have a few seconds. What gets me is that these people had "time" all these other days but all of the sudden are too "busy"

really?


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1747 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

(((SSM))) I had this situation a few weeks ago. Great date, chemistry, I thought, a little kissing action, asked me out again, talked after I got home. Then nothing. I sent him a hi text the next day, he responded hi and then nothing again. It's so frustrating and confusing. Why say you want to see me again if you don't? I don't understand people sometimes.

I hope you hear from him, but if not, I bet someone better is around the corner.


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I think the "busy" is usually an excuse. Unless you're a brain surgeon with back-to-back cases you can spare a few secs to text.

That's what that guy says in the book "He's just not that into you" and I quote:

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.”
― Greg Behrendt

I went on a 1st date with a medical doctor that poofed on me.... he didn't have ANY problem texting me and calling me ALL DAY LONG while he worked.... until the day after our date. Then, suddenly he was gone. Its a cowardly way to be but it is the harsh reality of dating today. He acted like he had fun, acted completely "IN" to me, asked me on another date and even planned where we would go (some fancy restaurant downtown) and talked about other things we could do in the future, and still poofed. I just don't get it.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:58 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Shelly-this is exactly why i quit OLD-it was the same thing over and over. I was tired of the BS and games. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do-or say-etc.


Occasionally I go back anonymously to browse and guess what? These guys are STILL on there- a year or 2 or more. IDK what they're looking for-and apparently they don't either


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1747 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

SSM - did you ever hear anything from this guy?


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Occasionally I go back anonymously to browse and guess what? These guys are STILL on there- a year or 2 or more. IDK what they're looking for-and apparently they don't either

So true....anytime I get curious and reactivate my account just to see who is out there.....its the same guys.... which I find slightly disturbing.... IMO


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Nope. Guess he was really "BUSY"

I'm disappointed, but I'll live. I've come to realize that if this is the way people are going to be, good riddance early on... save me trouble later.

I will not attempt any more contact, and at this point, I'm not sure I'd even respond if I did hear from him. It's rude, and a big pet peeve of mine.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19732 | Registered: Aug 2006
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

“Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.”

I will reiterate this! ^^^^

YOU deserve SO much better! FTG! No one is that busy! Grrrrrr


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Was just checking in for an update. I am sorry he has not called.

But just stand clear for bigger and better things!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2098 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

He sounds like an ass. I think it's time to next his ass and move onward and upward my friend!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 4:40 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2485 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
heartbroken30
Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Sorry SSM. Even though it was only one date, it's hard to have your hopes up and be let down like that.


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

But I know that at least for me, every time I tried to force things, and worried about what the other person thought all the time, and worried if he would call or not, and.... well, you know the drill.... I found that I was usually working too hard at something that was never going to work in the first place.

This, Yes, this is so true. And forcing things delayed something better from happening. good riddance. You've wasted enough on him. If he aint chasing, he isnt worthy.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

What an ass!

I went on an OLD date once. The guys seemed soooo in. We seemed to really click. The conversations flowed so easily. We almost closed the restaurant down. Then. Nothing. Poof. What a fucking coward.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

What book is helping thru this time in my life is "Why Men Love Bitches". It's really an excellent guide to not muddle thru dating, but how to keep our focus on us and stay centered while dating again.

It is the only book I have actually purchased recently and read cover to cover several times. It's the kind of book you can open up to any page and read there....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2111 | Registered: Jan 2012
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I went on an OLD date once. The guys seemed soooo in. We seemed to really click. The conversations flowed so easily. We almost closed the restaurant down. Then. Nothing. Poof. What a fucking coward.


This seems to be a recurring theme in OLD


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1747 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Topic Posts: 34