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User Topic: Any regrets if you didn't reconcile?
nomadlady
Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

It's been two months since DDay.

WH came and confessed to me. He is remorseful. He answers all my questions. He never wanted to break up the marriage. He has NC with OW. He wants to do what it takes to heal us, however long it takes.

In theory, this should be an ideal situation for R, right? I love him so much. The problem is I don't think I can do R. It's not that I hate him. I think even if we divorced I would like to remain friends with him.

I know I don't have to decide anything now...lots of people have given me that advice. But I hate this place called limbo.

Those of you that had a choice and decided you didn't want to R, do you have any regrets? How long did it take you to come to a decision?

[This message edited by nomadlady at 5:21 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I regret that he was willing to lose the best thing that ever happened to him, the one constant in his life; I regret that he also lost his two daughters who, like me, value lots of attributes but, especially, two things: 1. Trust, and 2. Respect. I knew I could never really trust him again but when the TT continued, the lies continued, the A continued, all respect goes out the door. I loved him for 35 years - but I no longer liked him. And I wasn't willing to give up 'me' and my values in order to stay with him and make him 'happy.' Silly me; I thought we were happy, that we had a solid marriage and family, that life was good.... all things we verbally agreed about often. I guess, after all, he was just a very good actor.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 487 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I don't regret it at all. It took me a little over a year after DD to have enough and I filed for divorce.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

No regrets. But mine wasn't remorseful. And any interactions we have lately only serve to reinforce my decision to cut him loose.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Not one. I feel free; not that I do not have my bad days, but once I kicked him out, I realized how toxic he had been to my life.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I regret I didn't boot him out sooner- but my XWH was an unremorseful, serial cheater.

(Edited for clarification)

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 6:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Please google this:
Most people who divorce because of infidelity regret that decision to divorce. (this is not just the person who had the affair)
When I was deciding whether to reconcile with my husband or not I read a woman's profile who said how sorry she was that she divorced her husband over the affair. That her husband was a decent man that made a really bad decision.
So, before you make that decision just be sure you are not being hasty. I am actually so happy I chose reconcilliation!

[This message edited by Deanna at 6:14 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1436 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I never regretted my decision not to reconcile.

ButÖ

One sentence you wrote stuck out to me:

I think even if we divorced I would like to remain friends with him.

This is the exception Ė not the rule. Divorce is the process of minimizing interaction between the two people. Basically it ends up in as good an agreement as possible regarding the children. If you two are mature and lucky then you might even chat and catch up for a few minutes but you wonít visit, spend holidays together and go shopping for furniture.
Donít believe me? Well Ė look around at your divorced friends.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5550 | Registered: Sep 2005
surviving1963
Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Although I am very sad....I don't regret filing for D. Our MC put it to me this way, "How much longer do you want to keep drinking poison. Your relationship with this unremorseful man is toxic."

Sometimes it's just good to be reminded that you made the right choice.


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Yes. I regret not separating much sooner.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

My XWH really wanted to reconcile, or so he said. However, by that time I realized how much better life was without him in it! (He also refused to sign a post-nup that would only come into play if he cheated again that would make me whole for the job I'd be leaving to follow him to another city, saying it was punitive. So, not sure how serious he was about R.)

I'm coming up on 2 years since D-Day -- about a year and a half divorced, and life just keeps getting better and better.

My only regret is that the 20 year old me was taken in by his mask of normalcy and that I wasted so much money on that parasite, but I guess it made me the person I am today.

I know he regrets the divorce, but he made his bed.

I've done a ton of reading (that's how I heal), and there's a book called "The Optimism Bias" that details a ton of scientific studies (I'm going to butcher this, but the sentiment is accurate) where the brain believes that the decision you made is the best one. For the most part, those who choose to R are going to argue that it was the right decision, and those who choose to D will argue that was the best decision.

There are also happiness studies out there where a year after losing a limb to amputation or a year after winning the lottery, people are back to their base line happiness level.

http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2008/08/25/the-psychology-of-happiness-13-steps-to-a-better-life/

I know that a year after D-Day, I was actually happier than I'd been in recent memory, but I suspect that if I'd chosen to R, I'd have thought that I was happy as well.

Basically, there's no one size fits all answer. Listen to your gut. I'd recommend some IC to help you more clearly see the situation.

(((nomadlady)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3354 | Registered: Dec 2011
reclaimingmyself
Member
Member # 27011
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Most people who divorce because of infidelity regret that decision to divorce.
I don't regret it. Like LifeIsBroken, I could not imagine a marriage with a man I did not trust or respect. I am so very happy that I no longer have to constantly be checking and verifying and wondering if he is doing it again.

It hasn't been easy but I think it was the right decision for me and my children.


Posts: 730 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Immersed in my happily ever after : )
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I feel the same nomadlady. I am about 2 months as well. I hate limbo and just want to know whether I am wasting more of my life.

I keep telling myself whether Ieave or stay, I want to be confident in my choice and not have any second guessing...that's what is keeping me somewhat sane during this limbo.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I'm sad for my kids. I'm super pissed and haven't yet accepted that my entire life has to be rebooted from scratch.

But no way in the world I could have stayed married to him and survived. Reconciliation was not a possibility.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9654 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I would have given everything to reconcile, even if it failed.

But there was no one to reconcile with.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I regret I didn't boot him out sooner

This!!! I forgot about that part. It took a lot of therapy for me to forgive myself for putting up with the abuse for so long.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Jan 2010
Alana89
Member
Member # 25011
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Not at all. I knew that a life of 'trust but verify' was not for me.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Aug 2009
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I so much wanted to R but he didn't. That was the hardest thing,: discovering that the person I thought was my soulmate no longer have a shit about me or our family.

I think he has buried everything in the sand and is now moving on. I think it is quite scary that the person I thought I knew was never real. There is absolutely no depth to him, or anyone who thinks that they can take someone's love and destroy their soul.

We have been separated 8 months and sometimes I really miss him, or what I thought we had and our future together. And because of this sometimes I still wish he would have the guys to come crawling back in his knees and beg for forgiveness.

But then I remind myself that he isn't strong, only broken. He never wanted to fight for us and is happy living in unicorn land, waiting for the love of his life to come back to him.

I guess he'll be waiting a long time....


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I think we now need to ask if there are any people here that are happy that they stayed together. It is a two-way street. We need to get answers from both sides. BS who went through this over 3 or 4 years ago - longer as well.
Let's hear from both sides.
I don't know about you nomadlady, but I'm still reeling and it's been a year for me. But, there is no decision made yet because I need more time to heal myself before I decide to throw in the towel or continue reconciling. Not an easy decision at the best of time, but when the hurt is still so new - no, way too soon to make a life-altering decision.

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

R only works if BOTH people really want it. Because it is NOT easy. (Nor is divorcing.) In most cases on SI, it's the cheater who doesn't really want it -- I mean REALLY want it enough to go through all of the crap they need to go through in order to truly R. That means IC, that means giving up some of the freedoms they are used to, that means working on the M to become more initimate, that means changing their lives. Similarly, the BS goes through a lot to R, too.

As someone who decided to R and is 90% sure I'm doing the right thing, I would urge you to wait a bit to see how your feelings settle down. It's a cliche on here to say "wait 6 months", but I do think it's a good rule of thumb. And I also do feel that we have a duty, as people who promised to stick with someone else through thick and thin, to at least TRY to R. (Although in some cases I admit that's an absurd rule.) For the kids, if nothing else.

If at the end of 6 months or so you still feel this way (and I would do MC during this time), then there's nothing for it. It's gone and nothing he can do will bring it back. But at least you've given it the old college try and can feel good that you did what you could to save it.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

It's a personal decision.

I tried to R but ended up in false R for a year. My STBXW wasn't really remorseful. Took me 2 years to file and I wish I had done it sooner. If it's a dealbreker for you then 2 months from now or 2 years from now it's still going to be a dealbreaker for you. It just takes some of us longer to realize it.

It's truly messed up that as the BS we are the ones that feel put in a position of deciding to save or end the M when the reality of it is the WS killed the M or put it in a comatose state with their A(s). All we are doing is deciding to pull the plug or leave the ventilator on and see if a new M can come out of the ashes of what was.

My advice, decide what YOU want and move forward it's your life and your choice. You didn't cheat your WH did so if anyone should have regets he should. If you haven't, get into IC for yourself and keep postign here. Check out the different forums on the site. Spend time in the R forum AND the D/S forum among others. It's your life and your decision.

At the end of the day even if my STBX was remorseful I still would have left because her A(s) were dealbreakers for me. It just took me a long time to realize that the only way I could move forward in life was without her. I wish you the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I regret I didn't boot him out sooner

Add me to this group.

I also regret keeping my young son in a toxic environment while I tried to "save" my marriage.

I can honestly say that I never felt as strong and powerful as I did when I finally filed for divorce and took charge of my life.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13751 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Not at all. I knew that a life of 'trust but verify' was not for me.

^^^^

Mine lied to me for 20 years. I might have felt differently if it had just been a one-time mistake.

His "mistakes" were a lifestyle.

Much happier now and we are friendly in spite of everything.

I gave it six months before pulling the plug.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Please google this:
Most people who divorce because of infidelity regret that decision to divorce. (this is not just the person who had the affair)

I would NOT believe everything that comes up on a Google search. I've been on this site for over 7 years, and whenever a topic such as this comes up, there are far more members saying they don't regret it if they chose not to R; at least that is my observation, including this thread.

Some members wished their WS would have given them a chance to even try to R, but that is different.

I divorced my first cheating H and most certainly have no regrets.

The bottom line is that you have to make your own decisions based on your own circumstances.


Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
isthis4real
Member
Member # 29698
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I am a huge huge supporter of divorcing an unremorseful WS. I believe its possible to recover from an affair but its the actions after an affair is discovered that can ultimately kill a marriage. ie trickle truth, fence sitting, continued contact with ap etc.

It sounds like from your post you could have something to work with. Only you can decide that. Also sometimes you can have the most remorseful spouse in the world but an affair is a deal breaker for some people. That is okay too. You have every right to divorce him but YOU have to be the one to make the decision.

Me personally I have absolutely no regrets divorcing my WH. Its gotten to the point where I want to thank him and his fow for the affair because I am so happy to be free of the man child.


Me BW 30
WH 37
Married 4 years
DD 3
(2) DSS 15 & 18

D-day 9/3/10
Kicked him out 9/26/10 for fence sitting
WH served with divorce papers 10/4/10 at his place of employment

No chance of R.
Rebuilding and looking forward to a brig


Posts: 116 | Registered: Sep 2010
Topic Posts: 25