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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How do you combat the loneliness?
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

I decided to file this week but the loneliness is overwhelming! Even at work I feel the loneliness pulling at me. I guess it comes from feeling unloved, like if he really loved me he wouldn''t have done this and would have fought for us. I just feel empty I guess now that I''m going from a successful married couple with child to a struggling divorcee. What tricks have you used as pick me ups? I know it''s only going to get worse after he''s served and eventually moves out...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)

Lots 'n lots of counseling.

I have three kids. Hard to be lonely with three little people in the house.

Counseling.

I'm intentionally creating a "village". Finding people IRL and deliberately cultivating relationships & friendships. It's very slow but vital.

Counseling.

Volunteering.

Counseling.

Support group.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Heal&Deal
Member
Member # 30910
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I had a very young infant during the divorce process, so while he was of some company and good for snuggles, getting out and about to socialize was not generally an option.

How I got through the lonely:

1) Reading
2) SI
3) Journaling
4) Prayer
5) Counseling
6) Exercise (even just yoga in front of my TV)
7) Rekindling relationships with friends and building new friendships with acquaintances.
8) Volunteering.
9) Pampering myself: home mani/pedi, bubble baths, wine and chick flick
10) Concerted effort to reconnect with my true self and learn who I was again.

The unloved train of thought is an awful slippery slope. You are lovable. You are loved. The actions of another does not change these facts.


Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
Saleschick
Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I am alone with no kids so I struggle with loneliness and the quiet of the house. I enjoy my dog and I do yoga. I am doing a lot of counseling right now with a IC, Divorce Care and a BAN group. On occasion, a friend will come over and spend a couple hours with me or go out to eat with me (when they are not busy with their kids and/or husbands). I just recently started doing whirlpool tubs again. I keep the TV on (even if on in the background)

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Remind yourself that you were lonely when he was away at work or cheating.
Spend time with your son. I took my son to several places during the summer. Seeing him happy made me happy.
Watch movies, read, hang out with friends and family.
I'm taking some courses towards my master's degree so that helps too.
SI, check other people's posts daily. Post for encouragement or question.
Church/counseling.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Remind yourself that you were lonely when he was away at work or cheating.

^^THIS. I reminded myself of how lonely I was in that M.

How cruel he was to me.

How the gas lighting made me feel like I was going crazy.

How I got so low that I felt that going numb was my only option.

I missed having a warm body next to me. I missed waking up next to someone.

What I missed most was the lies I told myself.

They had comforted me for so long I felt rudderless without them. How fucking sad is that?

It passes. I promise it passes.

As bad as the whole S/D road has been none of it was as bad as living a lie with a lying, cheating, pathetic excuse of a man. None of it.

Almost 2 years out from DD and over a year from S and I'm still mourning the M I pretended to have. The husband I pretended to have.

What I have also done is reconnected with myself, my family, my friends and I've made a bunch of new friends. People that didn't know me as his wife.

NC is essential for detachment - with detachment the burden of loneliness weighs far less on me.

I recommend the book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". There's also a great thread by uncertainone called something like "What if... its rejection".


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5440 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I made a concerted effort to re-connect with friends and family, and started participating in a lot more activities at my church.

More than anything, I didn't let being sad or upset be an excuse for backing out of things.

It was tough.... I play keyboard for the band at my church, and I can't tell you how many Sunday mornings I started crying while I was playing. They had a box of tissues up on the keyboard for me. But most people in our church knew what was going on, and I just decided that I wouldn't let myself get embarrassed about getting emotional about it in front of other people.

It still wasn't easy - but after a while I found those really lonely times got to be less and less. And I continually reminded myself that no matter how lonely I got at times, I still wasn't as lonely as I had frequently felt when he was right there with me (physically but not mentally) and I didn't know what was wrong or why I felt so alone.

Also, strangely enough, the cats helped a lot. One would come and cuddle up with me anytime I was crying - he was actually more my X's cat, and I think he was lonely too, feeling deserted by my X, and wanting comfort himself. And both cats would sleep on me every night. I couldn't sleep in what had been our bed, so I was sleeping in the reclining chair a lot. As soon as I would settle down in it, I would end up with both cats on me, one on each arm. I frequently woke up with both arms completely numb!


Posts: 2323 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Reach out. You'll be amazed at the support and kindness that is out there. I have been


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Concerted effort to reconnect with my true self and learn who I was again

This ^^^ can be very comforting and will eventually clear away the fog of lonely.

Yoga. Lots of yoga.

Keep the radio tuned to a jazz or classical channel and leave it on so you don't come home to silence.

Read The Power of Now and Journey from Abandonment to Healing.

Wine as required. There is usually a bar thread going down in Fun and Games on the weekends so you don't have to drink alone.

When you are ready you will start to feel more social. Don't push it if you don't feel ready.

Grieving is a process. It takes time.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:39 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17157 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I spend a lot of time with my dogs. They refuse to allow me to be lazy or depressed - because it's all about them.

I also read a lot. On the weekends if I need to be around humans, I go into the city and browse the stores.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7430 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I love to entertain at home.. love to cook and bake.

There is ALWAYS some friend, or family that loves a free meal. The planning, the cooking and baking - takes your mind away from all of this!


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

When mine gets severe, I make lists. Mental lists, paper lists, electronic lists, lists in the sand, it doesn't matter. What I write on them is all the things I don't miss about him. Or all the things that are improved with being alone, for I've come to realize some things in my loneliness-that loneliness doesn't argue with you. It doesn't criticize your housekeeping, your parenting, your driving, your cooking. Loneliness is a companion, a friend, a down time in which to sort through life and place things back in order.

What do you notice about lonelieness? I notice how loud it is, how still it is, how engulfing it is, how all encompassing it is.

It is also a mindset and one of the first things I've been told about it is that being aware of it is a step in the other direction.

I think sometimes for me, lonelness becomes more pronounced in my thinking of the A or the players in its drama and if I can battle those demons away, it might get better.

Believe it or not, one thing that helps, is household tasks because I can reflect on the day and have an accomplishment-and I did it, so that it puts my mind to thinking about me and not things I don't want to dwell on. This works better for me than hobbies, as I can't concentrate.

Also, being on SI helps intensely because one can read and write about the situation they have and know that so many others out there have been through it, too.

There is comfort in that.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 12