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User Topic: Devastated and Desperate
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I am in shock and disbelief. How could he do this to me? How could he not show any remorse? I want to hurt him back. I want him back but I hate him. I want him to say he is sorry and beg my forgiveness. He only denies it and says whatever as I walk away and I caught him in the act. How can this be happening? I am devastated. I am crushed. I loved him. We were happy... I thought. We had amazing sex. He said the best of his life. He was talking about marriage and having a baby and he has been cheating all along? HOW can you do this to me? I just woke up from images of him with someone else... I want to drive to his house and why? It will only hurt me more if I find someone there and he isn't talking to me. He is punishing me with silence for telling him I know and he only laughs at me. He is so cruel. I loved him. He said he loved me. I am so afraid and so alone. Please god help me. If I forget this happened he will be with me again. And if I allow that to happen then my self esteem dies. I cannot turn a blind eye to his cheating but if I don't then I will never see him again. And why why why do I even want him after this? What is wrong with me? I shouldn't want him after this betrayal. I should hate him. But I feel abandoned and betrayed and so so lost.... God, I truly never thought he could do this to me..... I am debating driving there now but I know the end result won't be good. I have been drinking and I am not thinking clearly. I don't want to go to jail. I have never been arrested in my entire life but I think I don't care right now. I don't want him to be enjoying himself with another woman while I am here dying inside. It isn't fair. He will only see me again if I shut up and forget. I cannot do that. But I cannot stand the this either. What am I going to do? I will not go there and create a scene. I will regret it and it is foolish. I will try to sleep and forget. I am heartbroken.How do you let this betrayal go? Please help me if you can.....

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Saleschick
Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

DO not drive over there tonight or call him (especially if you have been drinking). I fight those urges still and it has been 5 mos. Your feelings are overwhelming right now and keep in my the cheaters cheat cause of something wrong with them and NOT you. In my exs case, he has admitted he has low self esteem. Try to sleep tonight if you can and regroup in the morning.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

(((((Ambermoon)))))

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. You came to the right place.

First off, breathe. Take long, slow deep breaths. You must stabilize yourself. Think of it as going to the emergency room, they stabilize the patient first. That's where you're at.

Then go to the healing library in the upper left hand corner. There are a lot of great articles to will you right now. I read them over and over after my dday when I couldn't sleep.

Shift focus from him to you. You are what matters here. Read about the 180 and no contact. It's hard at first, but I can tell you it has given me the most peace I've had in years.

There are wiser members who will be along to give you advice, but I wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone.

Take it one day at a time. If that's too hard, then one step at a time. Sending you hugs and light.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Wow thank you for both for replying... I didn't think anyone would be up at this hour.... thank you.
I am scared. I am normally very level headed. I have a good job. I am not "crazy". But I am scared. and I am angry. I am hurt.. I am so many thing I cannot even begin to explain.... my feelings change by the minute to relief to devastation to ANGER. I have gotten in my car 3x since I last posted. And each time I come back in my house. I am afraid I will get pulled over and get a dui and lose my job. I am afraid I will do something to her car if I find one there. I am afraid I will barg in on them and create a scene. I am afraid I will find nothing and that will give me reason to forgive him if he is alone. I know I sound crazy. I am not crazy. I am devastated. hurt. But I feel a little like I am going crazy. I don't know how I can deal with this and move on.

WHY DO I STILL WANT HIM knowing what he has done?


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I am reading other posts and I see repeatedly that the person that cheated shows remorse.. says they are sorry.. they want to work it out... I could live with that... I am getting nothing but too bad.... ignored. Like all of this meant nothing to him. he never aplogizes for the things he does to hurt me - EVER.... he always ignores me until I am willing to drop it... but it has never been cheating that we have fought about... just my suspicions... now I have proof and he is still acting like he could care less about how I feel. I am totally DISGUSTED with myself at this point. I hate myself for wanting him right now... for allowing myself to be so weak.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

So very sorry this happened to you Ambermoon. Think about this, YOU don't deserve to be cheated on! Nobody does. But the worst is, YOU don't deserve to be treated this way after being hurt so badly.

You basically said in your post he apologizes for nothing, that you just end up dropping it for it to be "okay." It's not okay that he does this to you repeatedly.

Read and re-read about the 180. It is for unremorseful waywards. You have to implement it. After a while you will have your answer if he is worth the trouble or not.

I will be thinking of you in your situation and praying for strength and your well being!


Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Maybe he is a psychopath os sorts...I once looked at a website by websearching 'psychopath free'...the pain victims have endured is astounding...yet for some, they still feel a pull toward their perpetrator.

It has to do with the certain kind of emotional manipulation that they experienced.

I guess all I am saying really is that the condition where your head knows one thing rationally, yet you still want to do the opposite happens all the time...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Amber, you are not alone, we are here for you. I understand the no remorse thing - I am in the same boat but 2 months out. I cannot say much at the moment but will PM you later.

You are not alone sweetie, please remember that.

Do not get in the the car again. You are NOT crazy, you are very very hurt.

Trust us when we say you need to look after you.

Please try and breathe and I will get back to you in a couple of hours.


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Oh sweet Ambermoon,

I hear your pain. I know your pain, your shock, your confusion. My husband cheated on me. I was completely blindsided and shocked. I loved him so much. I trusted him so much. He showed absolutely no remorse, was only cold and acted like he was disgusted by me. I confronted him and he told me to leave the house, so I did.

I was so devastated. I know the pain you are in. First of all, just breath. Just breath through the pain. I spent so many hours on the floor, rolled up in a ball, sobbing. The pain was overwhelming. You are not alone!!

Do whatever soothes you. I took a lot of hot baths and drank a lot of hot tea. I lost weight and sleep eluded me. I somehow managed to get through those first hours, days, weeks and now months. You are stronger than you know, trust that.

For me, I had to cut off all contact with him. But it took me several months to be able to do that. I was so in love with him, but his actions told me that he clearly chose to be with his mistress.

I read the healing library, read about narcissism. I blamed myself for the affair and now I know this was all about him. He's incapable of sustaining any sort of relationship past the infatuation part. He's broken inside, damaged. I had my part in the marriage, because no one is perfect. But the onus of the affair is on him.

Post here often. I found a therapist that has been so helpful. I also found a support group for divorce and guess what, every woman in that group had a husband that cheated on her. You are not alone.

You will get through this nightmare. Take care of yourself. When you are ready, do the 180 but do it to protect yourself from any more hurt. No contact has helped me tremendously. I changed my phone numbers and blocked his email. That gave me the space to start to heal.

I am 11 months out from my Dday. It has been rough for me lately, but I know it's two steps forward and one step back. You will find your smile again, your laughter again. One day you will wake up and this won't be the first thing you think about. The mind movies will be fewer. Your will see the sun again. The emotional roller coaster ride will start to even out.

But right now, be gentle with yourself. I don't know how you let go of the betrayal, time has lessened the sting of it. Sending you lots of hugs and compassion.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Thank you for reaching out to me. I cannot find the 180? I don't know how to take care of me or focus on me. My thoughts are obsesses with him. I don't trust myself to either cause some scene at his home or job or to beg him back. I need strength here to stay away from him and not hurt him back. I don't know who I am without him... he lived with me and I thought we were building a life together. Everything I did was for him... or for us. MK it is interesting you mention him being a pyosiopath. My counselor said the exact same thing... someone with NO CONSCIONCE or REMORSE AT ALL.... He saw me as a possession and only of value when he needed or wanted me. And he did treat me that way but I told him I could deal with his moods and him pulling away because I knew he loved me. But he knew cheating was something I would never deal with and he held no value of that. He slept with someone else and then me without even showering. I feel dirty and devastated. I am not sure how to go on? What can I do right now to take care of myself? How can I get this image out of my mind?
I feel like I am losing my mind..... I am relieved to be free of the stress of taking care of him everyday and worrying about him being happy and his moods yet then I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone and want to hurt him. Then I feel like why didn't he want me? Why isn't he sorry? He will just try to sweet talk his way back into my life with never discussing his betrayal and it will be forgotten and life blissful until I find out something new. But this time I am not sure if he will even call me and want me back... I feel if he doesn't I will be devastated. But If he does I want to be ready to be strong and hurt him back by rejecting him. I just want to feel like he loved me and the life we have lived together was not a lie. I want him to say he is sorry for rocking me to my core. I want him to want me.
But once again, he is NO PRIZE so why do I want him?
I was once a strong, independent woman and now I am this? PATHETIC. I feel foolish for giving so much to him and our relationship while he was sneaking around on me. I am devastated and scared. Please help me. I am so very very devastated. I am sorry to go on and on.... I am rambling but i cannot form a complete sentence in my head right now....

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

You are not pathetic my darling.

This is what you need to do now: breathe, try and drink water and eat a little. That is all for now.

You say you are in IC, which is a good thing - if you are finding things too difficult to handle please contact your doctor.

Can you tell anyone in real life? Family? A friend?

Post back here any time you get new thoughts and feel anxious. We will walk you through this but for now you are the priority.

The 180 can be found in the healing library under BS FAQ number 11.

Please take care.


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I wanted to say that I am sorry to all of you who have reached out to me. I know you are all hurting too and I haven't even considered the pain you are enduring while I only talk of my own pain.
I will pray for all of us. I hope I can have the strength that I see if each and every one of you one day and realize that I do deserve better as each and every one of us does. I am so grateful I have found this site. We will get through this together one minute at a time.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

We are all here for each other but today sweetie you are hurting, so embrace the love!

Will PM you later (just at work - don't tell any one! )


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Thank you No Answer. I have shared this with my 2 closest friends and they both say - he has never treated you right and now you know he is a cheat so forget him. Why are you still giving him your power. They almost make me feel worse for being sad. They think I should just forget it and move on. they say that I have suspected this for the past year and now I have my answer and should be grateful.... no one understands.....my parents said I was stupid to give him so many chances and it is my own fault. this is why I reached out here..... I have no one else.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Sadwife222
Member
Member # 40050
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

He's like an arm with gangrene. You love your arm but unless you get rid of it, it will kill you.
You will live without him. You will find a better man.


Me BW, Him WH
DD 4/12/13
TT until 9/18/14

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

(((((Ambermoon)))))))

Sending you hugs and strength..

You have gotten wonderful advice so far :-)

I want to share a beautiful poem that I found on another fav website of mine..I just finished posting it in the "general" forum....here goes..Please make yourself a soothing cup of hot coffee or tea, take a breath and a moment to read....

Love After Love


The day will come when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the otherís welcome, and say,
sit here, eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine, give bread.
Give back your heart to itself,
to the stranger who has loved you all your life,
whom you ignored for another,
who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.
~ Derek Walcott

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:22 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2011
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

You took me right back to where I was the night I found out, drunk, angry, lonely, miserable.

You will get through it. It may take weeks or months, but it will all get better. Stay strong.


Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I admire your very concise articulate post that you made early this morning, even in the midst of drinking..I especially admire your restraint in not driving away from your house...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2011
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Try to not take what your friends and family say to heart. They are worried about you, they saw the signs, and they are likely very happy that the POS has shown his true colors to you. However, unless you''ve been in the shoes of the betrayed, you really don''t know what its like. The push and the pull. The emotions spiraling out of control, up and down and around and around. We call this the rollercoaster. You''ve been strapped in without your consent and will not be able to get off of it for quite some time.

And everything that you''re feeling? That''s normal. Absolutely normal, for a loving and faithful person. You may feel like you''re going crazy, but you are acting absolutely normally for a person who has been thrust into a situation that is so crazy and unbelievable, that you really can''t fathem it.

Please call your IC today and ask to see them. I''m glad that you have a counciler to talk to. You do need someone IRL that is there for you and unemotionally, who can give you straight feedback. (((hugs))) Keep coming back for support. We''re all here for you and lawd knows, we understand.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Have sent you a PM


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
IrishGirlVA
Member
Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I'm honestly speechless because you spilled out exactly what I felt a couple months ago when I just found out. My boyfriend lived with me and cheated on me. He moved back home. He literally lives 2 miles from my house. I have put my shoes on in preparation to do a drive-by so many times. One time I did and I found nothing. But it didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel worse because there he was at home, alone, when he could have been with me. Or at least BEGGING AND PLEADING to be with me. And I had every intention of rejecting him if he did. But the truth is, as the days went on, I was able to untangle my heart from my brain and thought of all the reasons why he was not good for me. And like your boyfriend, mine is unremorseful. He only wants me around when I am happy and I make his life pleasant. He has no emotions. To me, his cheating on me was the universes way of asking me, "Are you done yet? Is this enough to break the camels back?!?".

And the answer is -- Yes. I'm done.

As painful as it is, because I still love him for some reason, I know that I will recover and move on. And one day I will look back and thank him for putting that final nail in the coffin. Even today I am realizing how much better I am without him.

Your feelings too will subside. You are in shock and you can't believe this is the life you are living. But please, sweetie, don't turn a blind eye. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

I remember when I first met my SO. On our very first date he said, "All men are assholes". In hindsight, that date should have been my last. I lost so many years being with a man who couldn't, and wouldn't, meet my needs.

Please don't end up like me. Start your new beginning sooner than I was able to.

Good luck.


Me, the "B": 41yo
Him, the "W": 38yo
DDay: June 2013
Status: Over

Posts: 298 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
Swims
Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

((Ambermoon)) I know the feelings of shock and disbelief you are experiencing. Take care of yourself, be sure to eat healthy meals and stay hydrated. Getting regular exercise also helped me through those initial days and weeks. Read and re-read implementing the 180. I'm very concerned that your IC suggested he could be a sociopath. Sociopaths HAVE NO CONSCIENCE and CANNOT BE " FIXED". Other people are pawns in their chess game and they play to win at all costs. Get a copy of "The Sociopath Next Door" for more insight about this personality disorder. Hang in there honey!

[This message edited by Swims at 2:32 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I am so grateful for each and every one of your replies. Thank you for sharing your stories and encouragement with me.
I managed to drag myself to work today but I am a mess. I am going from a zombie like state with no emotions to crying hysterically. Breathing feels like too much work.I am quite honestly a mess. I am scared. I feel like I will die from this... just keel over as the pain is too much to bear. How did you all get through this and work and psy bills and take of your children? The pain is unbearable and the zombie state terrifying....

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I took all of your suggestions and I am feeling a little more peaceful tonight.
I let myself have a breakdown and I let myself scream and yell and cry and pace and then I took some deep breaths and am continuing to focus on my breathing. I got myself a milkshake. And I went to the library and checked out books on infidelity, grief, and healing. I just got out of a warm bath and am in my favorite pj's and I am going to cuddle up and read. I am so thankful for this moment of peace where my mind isn't swirling with emotion and pain and what ifs. I feel okay right now and I think I am learning that this moment is all we have... if I can be okay moment to moment then maybe at one point those moments will create an entire hour... day... week... month...
I am going to be gentle with myself. Go out of my way to love myself and pamper myself.
And also allow myself to be mad, sad or any other emotion that comes my way... BUT I am going to try my best to not drown in these emotion when they pop up. I am going to be okay.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Ambermoon, the very first thing you have to do is limit the damage. Do not drive drunk, do not do anything to make life worse -- yes, it can get worse.

I was there and am on the way out. You will too, but it takes time. And during that time you're going to feel a lot of pain.

The best advice I have ever been given:

1. Don't make any decisions now. You don't have to. Give yourself time to think things through.

2.Don't cause further damage to your life.

Live by those two rules and after a lot of pain you will recover. Also, read Co-dependent No More.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

FeelingSoMuch,

I am SO GLAD that I didn't drive there drunk last night. I am going to not drink for a while as I found it to make things alot worse.

Funny you should mention that book. I attended a 12 step meeting tonight for codependency that a friend recommended. What I read about codependency described me exactly. It was like someone had peered inside my soul and wrote that about me. I did get that book from the library and cannot wait to dig in!
Thank you for some great advice!


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

IrishGirl,
Thank you.
I feel the universe is asking me the same and I can honestly say right now that Yes, I am done too!

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I haven't heard a word from him. I am glad yet hurt. I want him to call and beg so I can forgive yet I never want to see him again. If he called, I would give him another chance even though I know things will never change.
I deleted his number from my phone so I am am not tempted to call.
I know this is the right thing to do but I hurt like hell. I do have more moments where I can breath but these moments when I can't seems unbearable. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I cannot even cry anymore.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 28