User Topic: Question...why?
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Member # 41167
Angry  Posted: 7:21 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I don't understand why the OW (in my instance) or OM don't care that the WS is married. My WH tells these women he's married, and they just don't care. It's like it just makes it more of a challenge for them. They tell him they can make him happier than I can. Me, when I was single, if I saw an attractive man but he had a wedding ring on, I never approached. My husband says there aren't many women like me, that most women are whores and just don't give a crap. It's really upsetting to know there are so many women/men out there that won't back away once they are told the one they approach is married. My WH is a SA so it just makes it that much harder.

I feel in this day and age, it's harder than it used to be to keep a relationship going. I guess with social media and all the internet crap out there, plus cell phones, that makes it easier for one to cheat?

Sorry, I feel Im rambling, and I don't even know if this makes alot of sense. I just honestly don't understand the thought process these OP have when they know the WH/W is married, and they have kids. Do they really think they are getting the prize if they can snag a married man/woman away from his/her family??

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I guess it varies. My fwh's ow has two broken marriages herself so being the ow was I believe the chance to be in a different role to the BW for a change. And she hated me. Always. Way before the A because I'm successful in my career and have a nice home and a husband and she has none of this.

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I feel the same way it's no moral, not values.

Your WS is probably right that their aren't many women like you. What's worse I am not sure people even value that.

I was extemely naive thinking that a women would not pursue a married man. I guess if you just want someone to have sex with does it really matter if he is married or not. After all you are not looking for a relationship. Not my way of thinking so it is not something I can comprehend.

He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Some people truly don't care about anyone but themself! Also, why would the OP care about the BS, when the WS doesn't care enough to not stray.

I for one think everyone has some level of brokenness, everyone handles everything differently.

DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Don't try to make sense out of nonsense.

There is no 'why'.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

My husband says there aren't many women like me, that most women are whores and just don't give a crap.

Well I am sure you are a classy lady but I find it a troubling that the other women he runs across behave like he claims for my experience is that the OM and OW who act like he proclaims are a small minority. Sounds like he could surely benefit by walking away from the places where he is finding this kind of woman.
Trying to understand the thinking of an WS or a OP might require you to set aside healthy boundaries that you have in place that guide you from not making those kind of poor decisions.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 52674 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

There are a lot of good men and women out there that respect the sanctity of marriage. This site is full of them.

People give off vibes that other people pick up on and are attracted to. If your WH is a SA he probably picks up on promiscuous women and vice versa. That is all he saw because that is what he was looking for.

In my past life I was a drug addict. At that point in my life you could drop me off in any city I have never been in and I could find drugs in less than a half an hour. It happened several times.

Today with a lot of work and a much different focus on life I would not even know where to begin looking. My vibe has changed. And my vibe radar has changed.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I agree with you H, there aren't many women like you.

I think it just depends on where your moral compass points you. My WW thought her OM was divorced, that's what he told her. She was planning to leave me for him. Then, suprise: he is still married and had no intention of leaving his wife. She kept it hidden from me until he dumped her. I am sure he knew she was married, or she lied to him, doesn't matter, she knew she was still married and had no problem with it. Lack of moral compass.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Oct 2013
New Member
Member # 41167
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Sounds like he could surely benefit by walking away from the places where he is finding this kind of woman.

The beauty of it is, a couple of recent ones, one was a co-worker and (he claims) she started it, and even wanted him to move in with her, claiming she would treat him better than I could. His job is mostly men, and there were only 4 women working there at that time. I believe there are less than that now. OW quit not long after he started. Another OW, approached him on the road while he was working and asked for his number. He was blindsided by that one. He is claiming that he isn't out searching for another woman, but when they approach him, he has a hard time saying no. He will tell them he's married and they just don't care about that. Other than locking him up in the house, I don't know any way of keeping him out of these types of situations. As our therapist has told me, I can't control him. What he does has nothing to do with me. When I try to control him, it doesn't stop, so why put so much energy into trying.

However, I have told him that if he doesn't talk to these women about our marriage and what he's unhappy with and what we are trying to fix, that they can't claim to be able to make him happier. That's all on him.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Crikey,does your husband really think most " women are whores and just don't give a crap"? I find that incredibly insulting to women - maybe it says something about the company he prefers to keep (yourself excluded of course).

I told fWH about an incident when I was about 18, very green and naive, no life experiences. I had a very strong come-on from a married man whose wife I knew well. He was very attractive, but not for one second did I consider taking him up on his offer.Even then I knew he was married and therefore completely off limits.

Don't assume that what your H said is true, there are plenty of decent women out there. I guess the ones who cater to a SA's fantasies (porn actresses , AM chatlines etc) are in the minority and shouldn't be taken as examples of most women's behaviour.

Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

One of the hardest things I've dealt with is that the OM was a good friend of mine. I've got a pretty good guess as to what was going on in his head at the time.

I'd love to say it was entirely sex-focused, but < armchair psychologis > he was recently back from several tours of duty, and had done things that he was both proud and not-proud of. He was afraid that if his wife ever found out, or even most of his friends, that they'd think him a monster. My wife listened to him, she was helping him edit some of the memories he was writing down for his therapy, and that lack of rejection made her very attractive to him. < /armchair >

There's a lot more to it, of course, but that's the core of it. While I was (and am) pissed at him for how he hurt me, my family, and his own family, I've got enough empathy to understand how his side of things came to be. (And, yes, the same can be said of me for my wife's side as well.)

So, at least in my case, pain and fear brought together and caused more pain and fear. It was a selfish choice my WW and the OM made, no doubt about that, but I feel more pity than hate for them.

I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing (ask me again in 6 months or a year maybe).

Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 302 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 40910
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I don't understand why the OW (in my instance) or OM don't care that the WS is married.

In the case of my wife's AP, it was because he is such a pathetic human being that it was his only chance of a relationship.

Me: 58
WW: 58
M: 36 years
Together 39 years
4 children, 1 grandchild
dday(1) July 2005; dday(2) September 2013

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

My WHs OW had dated three other married men. She admitted it to him and he admired her for her honesty. That was one if the first things that attracted him to her.
Seriously? Yes- telling the truth means she has integrity. Whatever.

Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Well, I have to say that only a POS would ever do that. You get out of a relationship first, you don't cheat. And only a slut would ever go to bed with a M man.

Or, at least that is the mantra I was fed regularly for decades. And now I have reason to believe xpos was cheating for much of that time. I know that he undoubtedly was for several years. And he was the aggressor, out searching for it.

I know many sites he was using online in his search for a decade or more. The nicest one is AM. And i know the member name he had on one porn dating site. And I know the name of one that I believe was just a ONS (other than the slut he left to be with and M).

So the "Why?" In his case is that he is a totally broken, controlling hypocrite, liar, SA, that my IC believes could also be a psychopath or at least "back of the book" as well as quite likely an attempted murderer.

ETA: So you couldn't blame the OW. What woman could resist that?

[This message edited by thebighurt at 9:37 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2386 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Sorry, IC thinks xpos could be a SOCIOpath, not psychopath.

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2386 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I'm with thebighurt on this one. It's healthy to come to terms with the AP's "whys", but the more important "why" for me is why my WH allowed/gave in to OW's advances. For me, that is the only "why" that counts is my WH's.

Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Your WH's statement about "most women being whores and not giving a crap" is demeaning and insulting and simply not true..

He definitely needs IC to get down to the bottom of his issues, one of which is his lack of respect for women..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 17