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User Topic: Did I overreact?
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

I blew up when I say he texted her and she deleted the text. I demanded everything from her immediately. She says I'm not doing anything to make her want to come back. When she says that it makes sense to me, that I should be doing something. She wants notes and flowers, part of me says sure why not? The rest of me is like why are you crawling back to her?

She stomped around all grumpy this morning but left me a little card. She also called the Dr to get tested. She hasn't canceled our plans for this weekend, yet. We texted a little this morning. Yet I just feel empty and broken.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

She says I'm not doing anything to make her want to come back.

She wants YOU to get HER to come back?

Well it is Halloween, maybe she is playing Bizarro Wife.

She cheated, she lied, she fucked up... she needs to make *you* want to go back.

180 IMO.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
LovesLaboursLost
Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Fww here...you did not overreact. Your ww is being a spoiled brat in my ever so humble opinion. She should be the one making YOU want to come back. May be hard 180 time, bc she does not sounds remorseful.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

She says I'm not doing anything to make her want to come back

Are you shitting me?

YOU are supposed to win her back?

Oh maddmurph...come borrow my bitch boots, it's time you put some on.

SHE needs to be bending over backwards right now to win you back.

She has proven she is not the prize. Right now she is a broken, lying cheater.

Do not accept this from her.

Stand up and demand better for yourself, please!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Oh maddmurph...come borrow my bitch boots, it's time you put some on.

Sometimes I just don't feel like standing up for myself. I just don't see a way for this to work out where I am happy at all.

She is doing what she needs to do, but instead of being open about it, I have to check our calendar or her phone. That's how I found about IC for her and the Dr. appointment.

Man the depression is just hitting hard today.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Gently here -

You say "She is doing what she needs to do, but instead of being open about it, I have to check our calendar or her phone. That's how I found about IC for her and the Dr. appointment"

My response is um NO no no she is doing NOTHING to heal your relationship, herself, or you.
She is still not being transparent, and is behaving poorly. It is unacceptable, and until you DEMAND the respect you deserve she will continue to make you feel like the bad guy in all of this. IT is UNACCEPTABLE for her to behave this way.

Win her back, WTF? Step back my friend, in what world does this even begin to seem sensical? SHE is the WAYWARD. SHE is the one who broke her vows, her marriage and your trust. Please do no allow her to bully you into submission and rugsweeping.

She is doing the bare minimum to keep you hanging on to just a glimmer of hope. If you allow her to, she will minimize this, convince you it's all on you, and "your broken M" and then rugsweep her behavior to end up with no changes in her, and having her repeat this again in 6 months, a year, 2 years whatever.

I am angry for you.
Tell her that the love notes and flowers will happily be sent with love as soon as she starts to be transparent, owns what she has done, and starts the hard work on herself, until then you will choose to focus on yourself, and get yourself strong.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

"She says I'm not doing anything to make her want to come back."
---------

What is she doing that would make you want to stay?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

((((madmurph)))) You sound beaten down, murph. And it's no wonder given how you've described her attitude and actions.

Focus on yourself, murph. The 180 is a great tool for healing and rebuilding yourself.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25774 | Registered: Aug 2011
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

You sound beaten down, murph.

I am. I don't want to get up. I just don't want to fight. For myself, for her, for anyone. Just hole up and let the world pass me by.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Oh, honey. I understand. And it's ok to feel that way. It's perfectly normal. Just know, murph - you don't want to get stuck there.

Rest for now, practice your self care. That's all you need to think or worry about at this point. When you are ready, read up on the 180. It isn't about fighting for your marriage or your wife, it's about rebuilding yourself. Focusing on yourself. It's all about the care and feeding of you so that you are ok no matter what your wife does or doesn't do.

Until you're ready, know we're here for you. Post, vent, read, or just lurk. We're here when you need us. ((((madmurph))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25774 | Registered: Aug 2011
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

^^^ Listen to NIK

and when you feel better come see me, I will hold onto those boots for you.

You can do this, and small steps right now will bring you to a happy healthy place down the road, trust me. It happens, just not overnight.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

Dude, its on her to do the work to make you want to accept her back. Not the other way.

No, she is not doing what she needs. Not at all.

Read up on the 180, get yourself healthy and strong. You deserve so much better.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I thought I was 180'ing (is that the right term) very well. Then I let her back in cause we were doing good. Now we aren't and I want to believe her when she says she doesn't know why he texted. I can't though. I'm scared that I will never believe her again and I should just jump ship. Sometimes I feel like I need just me to know what's going on. See what I want.

Is it bad that a new beginning without her seems like a good thing?


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

The thing is, she chose to erase it and not show you. That isn't transparency. Her defensiveness and lashing out at you isn't "doing well". There is so much wrong with her actions.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
justjim
Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

You need some "Murph time".

Call your buddies. Get some cigars and poker going on.

You need a testosterone rich environment right now.

If that won't work, PM me. We'll light up Cyber Cigars and talk about man stuff.
We might even gripe about our cheating, lying women a little, too. Lol.

I'm here if you need me.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

She is blaming you for her affair by making you feel that you are the one that needs to behave differently. Why on earth would anyone woo a cheater back? She cheated!! Let her beg for any attention at all!

I’d tell her that you’re willing to consider reconciliation but it will require a great deal of work from her and IC and MC. Don’t let her pin any of her cheating on you. If she wasn’t happy she had thousands of alternatives to deal with it. She instead chose something that would do nothing to help any situation, and instead chose to decimate the relationship. No, you don’t crawl back to her, she crawls back to you.

I don’t know the entire story, but I know that the cheater needs to feel the consequences of their actions, not storm around like “Well now look what you made me do! You better be nicer to me!!”

SCREW THAT!!

180 her sorry ass and see an attorney. Let her know you’re seeing an attorney and that you are very serious about her behavior possibly being a dealbreaker. Don’t let her push this off on you, for even a minute.

If you send her flowers, make sure they are dead.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

So she comes home and starts showing me door ideas for my office. Granted they were TARDIS doors but random. Also she is wearing her rings. What the fuck?


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, November 1st (Friday)

So she comes home and starts showing me door ideas for my office. Granted they were TARDIS doors but random. Also she is wearing her rings. What the fuck?

Rugsweeping 101. She is trying really hard to "pretend" nothing happened and hope what you feel just goes away. The first 180 iteration got to her. Implement it again. Redecorating your office and wearing her rings does not even begin to address her actions. You can hire a decorator. That isn't why you are M to her.

On one hand I realize it must be difficult for someone with such a low opinion of themselves confront how bad they really are. Make no mistake she realizes she screwed up, but is desperate to solve this the wrong way and on her terms. She is no longer the prize you though she was. She is deathly afraid you will figure this out.

You had the 180 going and you did not fail. It is never a mistake to extend a little grace to see what you get in return, but she took the little you offered and ran with it.

180 seemed to get through to her, with the next cycle you just need to keep going and not waver.

She wants notes and flowers. I would ask her if she would prefer them given in the spirit of love or she would prefer to get them from someone who had to fake it.

I know it is scary, but she is destroying herself. She is just too messed up to see it yet. The 180 will give her a glimpse into a life without you. Let that fear sink in.

It is not uncommon to implement the 180 and decide you are better off being D and happy than M and miserable.

You hold all the cards. Her actions indicate she even understands that on some level. Ask her why she set up IC and STD test and then not tell you about it.

Take your power back. Cancel the plans for the weekend (if you can) and do something for yourself. Tell her that she hasn't given you any reason why you would WANT to spend time with her. Let that stew for awhile.

The only way to win with someone that likes to play head games, is not to play.

Looking back, some WW need a shock to system to jolt them out of their bubble. They can carry on the fantasy and compartmentalization into the M. They hold onto all the misguided rationale that allowed them to make this choice in the first place.

The day my W opened the bill from attorney and realize I WOULD D her over this was the day she realized she was a lot closer to being single than she was willing to admit to herself. Dysfunctional people run on fear. If you are looking to inspire a reaction, the threat of a D (concrete proof, invoices, letter, appointment, etc.) can wake them up sometimes.

My .02. If you are already fantasizing about a D, why have you got to lose ? Your M ? I am sorry my friend, but that might already be lost. Take steps to protect yourself as an individual in a M, take your power/initiative back.

Take care. One day you will realize this is all on her and only she can solve it. You choice is how long are you going to wait around before you isolate yourself from her problems.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Take your power back. Cancel the plans for the weekend (if you can) and do something for yourself.

A buddy of mine texted me out of the blue to go to a hockey game tonight. I'm going to that. I never make plans short notice.

One of my conditions for her was to make dates for us so we could do things together and get reacquainted. That was also recommended by the MC. I won't stand in the way of her attempts at reconciliation. I'm not going to plan things for us though.

Her actions indicate she even understands that on some level. Ask her why she set up IC and STD test and then not tell you about it.


That will be brought up in MC. As proof of not open and honest.

You hold all the cards.

I hold more than she realizes. My lawyer thinks I can get out with no alimony, little child support and have a way to see my kids everyday. She would not. She also has no clue how I know about the text. I think she thought she got away with something. Then I appeared and pulled that rabbit out of my hat.


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
MakingLemonade
Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I like the way you are talking now, Murph!


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
MakingLemonade
Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Oh! And notice my signature line. You don't want to be me. I wish I'd found this place in 2007. Maybe things would have shaken out differently. But instead I had to relive the hell again multiplied. You're taking steps in the right direction!


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
maddmurph
Member
Member # 40940
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I had found this after the first time she said it wasn't going to happen again. I should have stayed and read up on this stuff. I didn't. I won't make that mistake again. There won't be a second time, we will be done.

Some one else had a signature that said "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out."


Me - BS, 33
Her - WW, 33
DS 7, DD 3

Posts: 129 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: OH
Topic Posts: 22