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User Topic: Advice please....
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

So I was dating a gal from January to July of this year and I ended it as it just wasn't working, there were too many things going on in my life to dedicate enough time to the relationship. It was absolutely the right decision for me, and I have never second guessed myself.

She was really, really upset when I ended it. REALLY upset. I did it in person, didn't candy coat anything, cut right to the chase and ended it.

So, that was back in July and yesterday I get a call from her (voicemail) that she is really upset, her life is a mess and she would rather have me as a friend than have nothing at all to do with me. She is in the midst of an ugly D with her cheating husband, 4 young kids, so I do feel really bad, but I am not sure I can re-establish contact/communication with her on a FRIEND basis. My intuition says that will be the first step and then she'll put the full court press to be more than friends.

Do I just ignore her plea, call her back and say I can't go down that path, email her saying the saying thing....I'm not sure what the best thing to do is in this situation.


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, October 31st (Thursday)

This may not be the popular opinion but I would ignore it. I think in the end that will be kinder to her. She is struggling with everything and sometimes the first relationship that ends after a long marriage is sometimes harder to get over than the marriage itself. I agree the let's be friends, she wants the relationship back. Give her time she will move on.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Aug 2009
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I'm sorry, but I believe she is trying to reel you in as her KISA by playing the damsel in distress at this moment. I'd ignore the message.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Ditto the two previous posters.
You ended things, in person, months ago and (I'm assuming) maintained no contact.
There's no reason to start back up at this point.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

You need to not call her back. She doesn't sound stable. If she is that upset and her life is that much of a mess then she needs to work through it with a counselor - not an exboyfriend.


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

It sounds like she should not have been dating you in the first place if she wasn't D yet! She reminds me of my daughter's father who tries to pretend like he wants to be friends with me but has ulterior motives. I would ignore her. Crickets is best. She will eventually get the hint.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

It was absolutely the right decision for me, and I have never second guessed myself.

Stick to this. She is just trying to reel you in.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Agreed, she is trying to reel you back in, but I'm not one to agree with totally ignoring her.

I would email her and say, "I received your message, I do wish you happiness in your future, but I am not interested in continuing any kind of friendship or relationship with you."

This way she KNOWS you received the message and doesn't have to GUESS if you received it, and you have reiterated your lack of interest. If she send you something after this, then ignore.

I had the fgf of my exSO (follow that? This was the girl that dated my exSO after me...then he broke up with her...) contact me a few months after they broke up wanting answers from me. She found me and emailed me (creepy...) and I almost didn't respond. BUT, I felt it best to let her know I received her email, but I wanted no part in their breakup. She emailed me back saying "sorry I bothered you" and I didn't respond.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4146 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
chikastuff
Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

My gut reaction is *crickets*, but after thinking about it, I agree with cmego. Not that you owe her anything, but I think the closure she might get from you acknowledging the message and reiterating your feelings could go a long way towards her moving on. A lot of time people who are dumped feel like there's no closure because they don't really understand the finality of the conversation. This is especially true for the more emotionally unstable people.

So be kind, but firm. Acknowledge the message and state (again) that you don't want to be friends or in a relationship with her. Wish her the best of luck and be done with it. Any subsequent messages can be ignored.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

another vote for the "I received your message. I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't want to be your friend" type of email and then crickets


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3130 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I vote for I am sorry you are hurting....then crickets.

I hate to ask this but why were you dating someone in the midst of an ugly divorce with young children? I am not judging but hoping this is a lesson learned?
Again I apologize if this statement is crossing a line.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1635 | Registered: Mar 2004
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

My intuition says that will be the first step and then she'll put the full court press to be more than friends.

Always trust your gut. You were more than clear to her when you broke things off. You will be far kinder to her, and to yourself, if you maintain crickets.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3363 | Registered: Dec 2011
msk99
Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I hate to ask this but why were you dating someone in the midst of an ugly divorce with young children?

It didn't start out that way, but as time went on, the ugliness started to escalate and was one of the reasons I broke it off.


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
Topic Posts: 13