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User Topic: I don't blame OW
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Am I weird? I don't blame her. I don't hate her. I am curious about her. I did contact her. I found text messages, he said they were just sexting. So I sent her a text. She said they had sex and that he said he was divorced with no kids. She called him a piece of shit and asked me how I didn't notice what he was doing. I found a picture of her online. I didn't know her name till she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him- yep the piece of shit. I think she is pretty. She was probably very nice. It makes me hate him more. Is that weird? I have put all of it on him. He broke two hearts. He lied about his life.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

My FWH had multiple EA's and PAs with many women. I don't blame any of them either. Some of them didn't know he was married. Some of them thought I left him and our child...

I place full blame on my FWH then and now. Is there blame to be had on those OW that he had that literally set a goal to separate the two of us, one of them pretending to be pregnant with twins? Of course, but she's not my concern. My husband and our marriage is.

I feel that if I let my husband let me get mad about his OW or if I put the blame on OW, I would let him get away with it. It's like saying that my wayward is not at fault because the OW is the one who showed up naked. I mean what is he going to do? Ignore her? -- you get my drift.

You're not weird. Blame is entirely on our waywards. Most BS are just afraid to put so much blame or "hate" towards their WS because they are afraid that they would loose what little love they have for the WS to disappear. It's self-preservation of the love they thought they had. Once I realized, I didn't have the love I thought I had in the first place, I had no problem. I figured, I deserve a real kind of love.

I got that real love by letting go of that old marriage of that "old love" we had. I think that's when R started, when I told him he had to convince me that he knows how to love me the way I should be loved. 6 years of hard, difficult R later, we're in a different marriage, we are different mature people and stronger than ever.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

The OW didn't know he was married, and I don't blame OP in these situations either.

With my H, none of the women he sexted with and cyber-cheated with knew he was in a relationship. I don't blame them at all. He's an ass, and I sort of feel bad for them.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

Simple- so letting go worked for you. I'm having a hard time feeling anything for my WH anymore. And I am worried that means that I'm done with him.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

You're not weird. Blame is entirely on our waywards. Most BS are just afraid to put so much blame or "hate" towards their WS because
In the cases where the WS lies to the OW about being married, or at the very least making it seem he is very unhappily married (when that might be a lie just to get in her pants), or in cases where they seek them on the Internet, strip clubs, or just hire hookers, I would agree there is not much room to bother "blaming" anyone but the WS.

However, there are filthy skanks out there who actually look for vulnerability in married men, whom they know are married. One went after my H when he was out of his mind with grief after losing his mother and DD. While this does not make my H blameless for falling for it, I will NOT hold the whore blameless either. Some of them really deserve all the "blame" they get. Every situation is different.


Posts: 5742 | Registered: Apr 2006
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

She said they had sex and that he said he was divorced with no kids

If this is the truth then you have no reason to place any blame on the
OW.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I didn't know her name till she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him- yep the piece of shit.

Maybe I wouldn't blame her if she was truly initially fooled, but this shows that even knowing he was M, she was still willing to be involved with him. I have found cheaters lie and liars cheat. Since she's willing to be with a cheater once she knows he is one, I'm putting her in the believe nothing she blurts out of her pie=hole category.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I guess I think she was just hurt too.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

While I have my moments of wanting OW dead and gone (not really I'm a marshmallow) - for the most part I don't hate her. She's not a good person and clearly has MEGA issues. She knew WH was married. BUT - my issues that are personal are with the man who promised to love and protect me forever, not a stranger. She's a low life scum for sure but I don't hate her.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

She lost my sympathy when she did this:
she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him-
which basically tells me she would have fucked and sexted even if she knew he was married. She is not blameless from the moment she finds out that the AP is married and doesn't go NC immediately.

Chippednotbroken, you don't have to hate or blame the AP. You may find as time goes on and if you are trying to reconcile and OW won't go away, you may find some hate. *shrug* Maybe not. Many do have a lot of reasons to blame and hate the AP's. Not every situation is exactly the same, although so much of the stuff is right out of the Cheater's Handbook.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

*shrug*

SMS is right - the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Hard to understand when everything is so raw, I really understand that. The less the OP occupies your mind the better. I think it's great the Chipped is there.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3932 | Registered: Dec 2011
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I definitely think she would have stayed with him if he had gone back to her. He cut her off pretty unceremoniously. Told her its over and changed our numbers. She got his email from a friend so even he seemed off guard by the email. She clearly did not think I would intercept it.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

But again I don't care. He made her think he was great and I was terrible. He told her he loved her. I know how she must feel *argh*


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I don't think you're weird, the OP may have initially been lied to. I do think that some OP's really don't know about the BS, they too believe the lies. It's tougher when the OP is someone that not only knows the WS is married, but knows the BS. That's where I'm at.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I'm sorry BAB. That is tough. I guess I just feel that even if she did know she didn't owe me anything. He did/does. He made me a promise. The rest of the world made me no such promise. He did. He said he would never hurt me and he did.

[This message edited by Chippednotbroken at 9:22 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I guess I just feel that even if she did know she didn't owe me anything. He did/does. He made me a promise. The rest of the world made me no such promise.

While the rest of the world may not have made any promise to me or to any of us, we all owe it to people to treat them with basic decency. When you're *knowingly* fucking someone's spouse, you are treating them with the utmost disrespect.

The fmow did owe me basic respect, but instead she chose to pursue my husband, all the while knowing me and our three children...

So, I do place a *huge* amount of blame on her. However I'll always place more blame on him for being such a lowlife and for continuing his charade with her while lying and denying to me all that time.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9716 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
prowoman
Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 31st (Thursday)

I guess I think she was just hurt too.

i feel this way about the OW too, but i can't help but also be pissed at her. for sure most of the blame goes to my wh... imo he ruined both of our lives.


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I don't blame the OW, but I am angry with her. My H was vulnerable for years, and I did everything in my power to support and encourage him. His father had just died, he was working around the clock trying to save his business, he was feeling old and like a complete failure. Textbook stuff. She knew he was married, and that is why she wanted him. It was entirely initiated and premeditated on her part. So, no, she doesn't owe me any more than a car would owe me if my H drove it into a tree and put me and my children into a coma. But as a human being, I just find it despicable behavior.

I've never had an A, but neither have I ever been faced with any great temptation. There have absolutely been times when I have been so vulnerable that I might have had an A if the 'right/wrong' person had come along and tried their hardest to seduce me. If somebody says 'no', I think you should respect that and not try to wear them down. I think taking advantage of someone's vulnerability is pretty low.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Maybe I'm just so angry at him that I don't have anymore left for anyone else. I can see how some of you would blame OW.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I am sorry I don't mean to hurt anyone on here with my feelings but it is really helping me to hear you all. I wish I could put some blame on her. Tell myself that if it hasn't been for her he wouldn't have done this to me. That he was weak and this women took advantage and that is why I was thrown aside. But I can't. He would have cheated on me with anybody. He would have told them anything. He just plain hurt me with no out. No pushing. No pursuit. He went out looking and he found it. And he could potentially do it again and again and again...


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, November 1st (Friday)

If the OW didn't know my WH was married, I wouldn't blame her either. If she kept pursuing, it would then become an issue. But I can't hate someone who didn't know.

However in my situation they were both married with children and knew it. I will admit to flat out hating her. I hate my husband for what he did, but I do direct more hate towards her. I attribute it to investment and love. I love my husband and am invested in our life. The OW and her life mean nothing to me. I don't need to reconcile any feeling with her. I can hate her for the rest of my life and it doesn't effect my life and family. With WH I have investment. Even if we divorce, he will be in my life for the rest of my life because of the kids. If I hate him, they will see it, and it will effect them. So she does tend to get the brunt of my hatred. Just as I would expect her BS to put all of his hatred on my WS. And I wouldn't blame him at all.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, November 1st (Friday)

chippednotbroken, I don't think you have anything to apologize for; I think your feelings and perspective are very healthy. I am so sorry for your pain, and I do agree that it is important not to transfer my feelings of anger at my H onto another person. He did this to me. He did. I feel compassion for him, I suppose, because I know him. OW, I don't know. I don't know her 'story', I don't know her 'why'. Maybe if I did, I would feel compassion for her as well. Hurting people hurt people, I guess is the saying.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, November 1st (Friday)

T/ J @ plainpain
OW, I don't know. I don't know her 'story', I don't know her 'why'. Maybe if I did, I would feel compassion for her as well.
Fuck her and her fucking "story". She fucked a married man, someone elses husband. She is a fucking horse shit person who doesn't give a shit about spouses and children.
she doesn't owe me any more than a car would owe me if my H drove it into a tree and put me and my children into a coma.
This isn't even a good analogy. Cars don't have brains or feelings. There is rule out there. It is called the golden rule. It is "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." If every human being would abide by this rule, well, there would be peace in the world.

How about the analogy of somebody stealing from you. Do they owe you anything? They didn't make vows or promises to you, so with your way of thinking, it would be fine for someone to break into your home and take whatever they wanted, plainpain, because hey, they don't owe you anything. ( if you agree, tell me where you live, I need some new stuff)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I already pretty much expressed that I will hate the OW from my situation forever. (In reality is more like indifference because it is not like I think about her much, or really spend much time wishing misfortunte to come upon her) but I hate the type of person she is and won't apologize for it.

In this thread we have covered several types of situations. While anyone that knowingly cheats with a married person is a rat in my view, based on my own experience, I also agree that if there were multiple OPs, or even prostitutes as in my first M, well, yes, after looking what he did, I had no engergy to really look at any of the individual OPs and what their part may have been. So therefore I guess you could say it was all on him.

And in my current M, the whore went after him, knowing he was very married, and took advantage of the fact his mother and DD had just died. Even this does not "excuse" my H but it does cause me to feel that whore deserves plenty of blame.

And then there are situations in between these two extremes, which I also experienced. My first H also had an EA/PA with a "religious" woman when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. He lied and told her that he was divorced! She got suspicious and called me to find out...and she then got to hear me burst into tears and tell her I was 7 months pregnant! At that point, I didn't blame her at all and was rather glad she called me.

But two weeks after our son was born, they slept together! How disgusting. But even with that, I do not hate her like I hate the one who purposely chased my H, knowing he was married, and everything else. I have no respect for someone who would give in to their own hurt and feelings after finding out they'd be been lied to about whether he was married, but I still have less hatred for that type, than the type who initially chases someone who is married. That's just my experience and perspective on all this.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:39 AM, November 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 5742 | Registered: Apr 2006
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I guess I see it more as if someone breaks into my locked out house and plainly steals my stuff yeah I am pissed at them. But if I don't really like my t.v and I leave it on the lawn and someone "steals" it well then there you go. My WH left it out on the lawn and she took it. Not a very good comparison as I also see your point sister.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Ok, no, I don't want you to steal from me. I completely understand what you're saying, and I share your rage, I really do. But my H is a human being, not something I possess. I am not for one minute thinking she is not guilty of crimes against humanity. I guess the car analogy was not great; I just mean that in my marriage, she was irrelevant enough to have been an inanimate object. If I pour out my anger on her, it makes her into a person of relevance. She's not.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, November 1st (Friday)

(((Chipped))) My last post was directed at plainpain. Different situation than yours. I wouldn't blame an OW who didn't know that my FWH was married, either. I would blame the OW if after finding out that her AP was married kept trying to contact him and continue the affair.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 1st (Friday)

it makes her into a person of relevance. She's not.
That is true, plainpain. Great attitude. Putting that aside, she is equally to blame. You don't have to hate or even have anger towards her, however, I feel you can place equal blame on OW.
my H is a human being, not something I possess.
Yes, in a way I do feel we possess our spouses. They are our spouses. Mine Mine Mine (as seagulls would say ) But, no not in a human being kind of way, we don't own each other.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I don't blame the AP. My WH went looking to cheat on me..it was deliberate and intentional..AP could have been..and was...anyone.

But,I do understand why most BW's are angry with the OW,and place some of the blame at their feet. No,they were not the ones who said vows and made a commitment. But, that doesn't mean an OW is blameless. She is still responsible for her actions. A decent woman does not involve herself with a married man..period.

Each person is responsible for their own actions.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7425 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
burnedcanuckEMS
Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 1st (Friday)

At first I totally blamed the OW in my situation, then I moved onto feeling sorry for her thinking he probably told her a pack of lies about his marital status, and now I am back to equally blaming him and her.

They were coworkers, everyone he works with (small trucking company) KNEW he was married. Another friend of mine that works there was so furious when she found out what he was doing. Others just looked the other way, one guy was even willing to lie for him to help 'protect' him when I found out. There is no way in hell that bitch OW didn't know he was married, even if he lied to her. We are a very small community and its hard to keep stuff like that secret.

The worst - his company hauls their product to my company. She was a skanky truck driver and he was the mechanic. I am safety and very high on the company totem pole for my company. It took ALL of my willpower to not stalk her when she came to my site and find reason to give find her guilty of a safety violation. I took the high road, and decided payback enough was that he was now her problem - dealing with his mood swings, alcoholism, drug addiction, impulsive gambling - all the crap I was standing by trying to get him help for because my vows said 'in sickness and health'. A year now has gone by, we are divorced and they are broken up. I dislike her, she knew we were married but that din't stop her. I hate to say it but I know karma will hit her at some point, what goes around comes around.


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 246 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 1st (Friday)

SisterMilkshake, thank you. You have reminded me this morning that I sometimes have a problem with 'too much empathy'; I think it is what has caused me to be an enabler in my marriage. I'm still learning to respect my own anger. No, I don't actually care about her 'story', there is no justification for what she has done, and she is a horrible, horrible person.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Quakingaspen
Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 1st (Friday)

For the most part, I don't blame the OW either. Especially when I have witnessed again and again how easily he throws them over when he gets caught. He is the one who has found a foolproof way of getting whatever he wants, by telling these women he is "trapped in a loveless marriage for the kids". The whole thing makes me sick. So I definitely can commiserate with them for being fooled by him, for having such a low opinion of their own worth that they take the nothing he gives them and thinks it is something. That said, I do not like them, and I will never be able to say that being with a married man for any reason is okay. I don't respect them, and that is all the energy I am going to waste on them.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Quakingaspen
Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 1st (Friday)

SisterMilkshake, thank you. You have reminded me this morning that I sometimes have a problem with 'too much empathy'; I think it is what has caused me to be an enabler in my marriage. I'm still learning to respect my own anger. No, I don't actually care about her 'story', there is no justification for what she has done, and she is a horrible, horrible person.

Bravo plainpain!!
Reading your posts, I thought your words were very familiar, I too have a problem with empathy. Why do I look so hard for an excuse for people's bad behavior?


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I too have been told I feel to much empathy. Happens to not be a good attribute in my particular line of work. Funny though I have lost all empathy for my WH. Time to admit that after DDay he attempted suicide in our garage. A friend found him and stopped it. It wasn't the greatest attempt on his part - designed to fail. The horrible thing is I didn't care. She found out and I guess that prompted the email. I just didnt care that he did it. I didn't care that she cared. I'm afraid that all this realization of not caring means I've checked out and I am just waiting for exit sign to appear.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I'm afraid that all this realization of not caring means I've checked out and I am just waiting for exit sign to appear.
When was your last baby born?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 1st (Friday)

((Chippednotbroken)) That is one more expression of so incredibly much selfishness on his part. I don't even have words for that.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Baby was born July 10. DDay was somewhere around the 27th. Attempt was a day or two later. It was very selfish on his part. I think he thought it would make me feel sorry and stop putting his stuff in his car to make him leave.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, November 1st (Friday)

My WS deliberately went looking as well. He lied and manipulated the OW, but - she did know he was married. She knew from the beginning - yes, she should have stayed away, but she didn't. He told her he was going to leave me but the time was never right - Ha, she had to know that was a lie - but, I guess you believe what you want to believe. He is a good liar - I never knew and he cheated in one way or another for many, many years.
So, no I guess I don't blame the OW, but she is accountable for her actions as well to some extent.

Posts: 1181 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, November 1st (Friday)

In my case OW knew about me. She stalked and left things hidden in my house. She also blackmailed my fWH. She was trying to steal my life and she has emailed texted me and sent me pics.

Don't get me wrong I hold him 100%accountable. But she's a bunny boiler who took things to a different level. Yeah I hate her and wish her unwell..


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, November 1st (Friday)

She said they had sex and that he said he was divorced with no kids. She called him a piece of shit
If this were all she said, it would make sense, and there would be no real need to blame her.
and asked me how I didn't notice what he was doing. ....... she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him- yep the piece of shit.
This second quote sounds like she is blaming you for his A, and that she was willing to be involved with a M man.

She is a typical OW. OP lie. Don't listen to anything she says, in fact, cut her out of your life. Like SMS said, *shrug*


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, November 1st (Friday)

There has been no contact with her since the email. I am thinking I need to look into counseling or something. I feel very empty of emotion aside from the urge to just run away.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I don't "blame" the OW more than I "blame" my WH. They were equally culpable.

While he did not deliberately seek out an affair, he was definitely vulnerable (he's a SA who had always before confined his innapropriate behavior to masturbation, pornography, flirtations with pretty women, etc.). The revelation 7 years ago that he was an SA had, little by little, degraded our marriage. Both of us were depressed (him, clinically) and frustrated with each other.

They met at a work event (different companies in different states), exchanged numbers (for business reasons, naturally), and began a texting friendship that she turned sexual. Of course, it took only one invitation for him to fall. It was NOT her first rodeo; it WAS his. Still, they BOTH cheated on their spouses and their children and they were both raised to have more integrity than that.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 454 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
MakingLemonade
Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I blame both, especially the latest. MOW #2, XWH and I met at an industry function for the first time when she was new in XWH's industry so she knew he was married. (I now know he took his rings off when away, but she can't claim not knowing.) Lied to me directly when I questioned her what was going on. Assisted him in betraying and lying to me (she got him a cell phone so I couldn't track, came to town several times- the day he officially moved out and the weekend XWH's mother died from her long battle with cancer being the most hurtful). Encouraged him to dump his plans with his tween to see her out of state (when I was out of town) which would have been the longest amount of time he would have spent with his tween since we separated 2 months prior doing something tween really wanted to do with dad (yes, XWH dumped tween and tween learned it for himself, breaking tween's heart). Etc, etc, etc...

But I do have pity for her as it appears she has histrionic personality disordered. NPD + HPD = crazy chaos. They are in fantasy land now but eventually their lives will be pure hell. Wonder who will betray who first.


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I am thinking I need to look into counseling or something.
This is a great idea, Chipped. This is why I asked when your last child was born. You could be suffering from post partum depression on top of probably some PTSD. Are you on any meds now?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, November 1st (Friday)

No. I never have. I'm still breastfeeding so I would rather try to deal with it through counseling first.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I'm still breastfeeding
Thats what I figured. I feel you could use some counseling, Chipped. That is a very good idea.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I so needed to read this forum. Thank you all for your responses. Sister milkshake, you are spot on!. That donkey POS bragged to me that she always knew about me. That statement says to that OW as in the position to manipulate my dumb ass husband.

The bottom line: he is a government employee and his salary is posted. He was so stupid to think that someone else would clean up his toenail clippings and hair. No idiot, it was your money. When she pressured you for money, you ran. Unlike your wife, your OW is looking out for her best interests.

The AP begins with the WS talking poorly about the marriage. I was painted as a horrible, alcoholic that refused to have sex with him. He failed to mention that I took my vows seriously, loved him to a fault and refused to have him touch me once he turned to another woman. Lies have an uncanny way of turning off the BS.

So, I blame my husband for his broken vows to me, and I blame the AP for deciding that she had the right to steal something that did not belong to her The OW yelled out to my husband that he ruined her life. F her. She got what her hand called for. In some countries stealing gets your hands cut off.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 429 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I don't blame the OW either. I think the EA was more one sided. I think she was afraid to say no when he asked her out because He's in a position of power. I actually like the girl. Under different circumstances we'd probably become good friends. Turns out we we even went to high school together. I don't remember her though.

When I first suspected something, my husband panicked and fired her and I rehired her. Granted I didn't know all the details at that time. If I had, I'm not sure I would have done that. I could see through their messages that it was mostly my husband. She went along with it for the money he was giving her and the special privileges . Although I don't blame her, I let her know that she wasn't totally innocent. I asked her if that's the kind of woman she really wants to be....the kind that runs around with a married man at 3am and accepts money from him. She started to cry and apologized. I made sure she knew that I was the only reason she still had a job. She then said she was no longer going to cover for my husband anymore, even if that means losing her job and offered to answer any questions I had. There are times when I wish I could hate her. My healing would be a lot easier if she wasn't around. It's just not who I am though.


Posts: 666 | Registered: Jul 2013
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Wow scuba. I'm sorry but I think in the long run you will feel good about yourself for that. You really took the high road. And Sister I just made an appointment with a counselor for Friday. Yay me. I am hopefully moving in the right direction!


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
lostinr
Member
Member # 37521
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Oh no...I blame OW for her part of the affair. She was just as accountable as my H was. They meticulously planned, texted, sexted, phone sex and met up for their rendezvous.

I blasted the OW to her H and his boss (since he would not answer the phone for me).

I finally, at 2 years post affair, put a public statement on Craigslist in AK (I am in NC) telling her that I forgave her because I wanted to have peace in my head about the whole affair.
I knew she read it, she's just nuts.....Anywho, I did it for me. The statement about indifference being more than hate is not true in my book.
My indifference has no hate. I forgave her because I wanted to be better. And I am.


“There is nothing more humiliating than loving someone so much that you forgive the infidelities.”
---Jerry Hall

Posts: 68 | Registered: Nov 2012
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

My H had several relationships with other women. Two of them I hold entirely blameless. Most, I hold with maybe a slight contempt. The details aren't simple.
One, I have complete indifference to and the last I blame and will always blame. I wish eternal damnation on her soul except I'm fairly sure she doesn't have one. I wish painful death upon her and eternal loneliness until death comes for her and I hope it's at her own hand.
I hope I'm clear enough.
How a BS feels about an OP often has a lot more to do with the circumstances than just the fact they were affair partners.
Oh, and yes, I do hold my H responsible. He gets to live with little trust and all the hurt he's caused me and the kids and our respective families but I am invested in him and he is invested in me and our lives haven't only been about his women although honestly, they mostly have and that's hard.
He possibly doesn't deserve another chance and there are no more after this last one he's using right now but it's him I love...not her. She tried to steal my life and my identity (she's a papered bunny boiler too) and I'm fairly sure the last shoe from her hasn't dropped yet.
She will eventually get filed in my indifference folder but until then, she deserves my hatred in full.
No exceptions.
I too am known for having too much empathy but last OP purged me of that little life long problem.

Edited for a dumb typo to stupid looking to just leave in.

[This message edited by BeautifulEmpty at 3:49 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Fuck her and her fucking "story". She fucked a married man, someone elses husband. She is a fucking horse shit person who doesn't give a shit about spouses and children.

Hysterical!!!

I hate OW. Hate her. She's a liar and a whore, and a worthless pile of shit. She can cry her eyes out daily - I hope she does. She's misery for everyone and everything. She knew he had someone. She didn't care - she wanted what she wanted. She had someone too, that she was using. He thought she was little miss innocent until I told him the truth. She'd been faking who she was for 8 years with him.

I think she thought that since she was my H's ex, she had some 'right' to him. Fuck her. She apologized, and then lied through her teeth. She's scum. I will never feel sorry for that thing.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Snowy
Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Do I blame the OW?

Hell yes.

This was the worst pain I have ever experienced. I lost 5 years of my life. She thought she was the greatest thing on sliced bread and could simply come in and replace me.

I have never had so much contempt for any one.

I initially had empathy for her. All this did was become an enabler.


Posts: 157 | Registered: Mar 2007
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

this is a good topic to bring up in a regular basis. blameshifting. rugsweeping. rescuing.

i do no not blame the OM. i knew what he was about 22 years ago when i met him. he was a womanizer then and is today. four years ago or so, in getting reconnected, he rekindled a professional relationship and then developed and then used his mentor relationship with my WW (medical related) to have 'fun' on his annual business trips. my WW became his for-free escort. he even had at least one other.

he filled up my WW with a bunch of lies: he really 'cared' about her (yep, knowing that her family was most important to her); that he would 'never' want to do anything to hurt their marriages (!?!); that no one gets hurt if no one finds out; that the secrecy is what makes their relationship special; that what they were doing was 'ok' since they did not want to leave their spouses or families, etc.

SO, i know the above and the other 180 degrees from talking to his BW.

BUT, you know what? I do not blame him. Sure he had no respect for my M - but he never promised anything to me.

It was my SPOUSE that broke our vows and spilled toxic waste on my marriage. The guy should have been obvious, and if not, that is still my wife's fault. She has all my blame. The other BW never blamed my WW. She referred to her WH as a Narcissistic disappointment.

The only instance in which I think it is right to expend energy blaming the AP is when the AP was at your wedding, making an oath to protect and honor your marriage...then I think yin that case a promise was broken to you.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 8:36 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Topic Posts: 54