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User Topic: When someone sends you a FB friend request
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Can they see YOUR profile?

I can see HER profile, she can't see mine, right?

Background:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=512015&HL=29341

I am still tempted to send her a message, which I haven't. But I haven't blocked her. I can see everything on her profile.

She really put herself in a bad position sending that request. I can sit on it indefinitely, which I am sure will drive her nuts, and look at all the crazyass shit on her profile page.



We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I am really ignorant when it comes to FB, jana. Sorry I can't help.

I think if you put your settings that only friends can see your profile, that they won't see anything unless you accept them as a friend. IDK, though, for sure.

I don't feel it would be wrong for you send her a message. Just simply say that neither you or your husband or interested in ever having contact with her. What message did you want to send?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8976 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I want to ask her what her deal is and what she's trying to accomplish by reaching out to me.

At first I wanted to blast her but the urge has passed. She didn't really do anything wrong last year, it was on my husband. He initiated contact with her, and their correspondence wasn't emotional, flirty, or sexual. Honestly if their interaction wasn't one of many for him last year, some of which WERE flirty/sexual, I wouldn't think much of it.

But the fact is that she has twice reached out to me via social media. What's her deal? She doesn't know me.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Almost12Years
Member
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I thought I remember hearing that when someone friend requests you that they can then see your profile/activity - but I could be wrong about that. I like the idea of just leaving her hanging :) but it may not be worth the risk..


Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, November 1st (Friday)

***warning, this post is coming from my cynical/jaded side***

Could she have information about your WS she feels you need to know about? Could she have heard or learned something from the grapevine she believes you need to know?

The curiously dead cat in me would have to make contact to see what she is up to, but I'm not pretending that is the best advice.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2013
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Both sure but I don't think they can see your stuff if they send a friend request. But I do think if you send messages back and forth they can? Someone else may be better help though.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2009
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Kierst, I don't think that is the case. The reason she's blocked from my H's account is that she started "liking" everything on his page, including pics he posted of ME and when he changed his relationship status back to married - she "liked" that! It's been a year. She sent me a linked in connection request, she sent me a FB friend request. She could have sent me a message through either of those sites but has not at this time. I don't think she has some insider info. I think she wants a window into his life and is in some sort of denial about her own motives, believing that she is sweet and helpful and innocent.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Well, jana, I don't feel it is wrong of you to have a conversation with this person. She wasn't an OW and simply seems to want to be friends. Maybe she is confused as to why she was blocked? I don't feel you need to be friends with her, but if you want to know what her deal is, ask her.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8976 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I agree with SMS, since she is not an AP I think it would be Ok to ask what is going on. Perhaps she is socially awkward and doesn't see what she is dong as strange.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I agree with SMS, since she is not an AP I think it would be Ok to ask what is going on. Perhaps she is socially awkward and doesn't see what she is dong as strange.

She is DEFINITELY socially awkward. My H has told me that. My SIL (husband's sister) thinks she's got a few screws loose, and that she's just weird.

I'm kind of torn about her, because while she wasn't an AP, I do feel that her corresponding with my H was strange. HOWEVER she didn't know everything that was going on. All that he told her is that he was getting divorced. She didn't know any of his dirty deeds.

Ugh. I don't know. It would be easier if I could just think she's an evil conniving bitch. But I really think she's actually lonely and pitiful.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Ugh. I don't know. It would be easier if I could just think she's an evil conniving bitch. But I really think she's actually lonely and pitiful.

Evil would be easier, but remember that a lonely and pitiful person can be as dangerous or more dangerous to a marriage.

I hope you find answers.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2013
trumanshow
Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Doesn't it depend on your settings?


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Thank you kierst.

The thought of corresponding with her is making me shaky and nervous, so clearly I'm not ready to do it. I need to be calm. So I will just sit on it for now.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 1st (Friday)

If you message her back, she will be able to see some of your profile etc for a limited time. I'm not sure how much or for how long


Sorry for my typos & editing, I have a sticky keyboard

Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse'
OW1 - EA - my friend
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'

Thanking God for showing me how to smile & dance in the rain


Posts: 486 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, November 1st (Friday)

No, she can't see anything that is only for friends on your profile. The only thing she can see is anything on your profile public (status updates marked as public, I think cover photos are public, and your current profile picture). Double check what all she can see by going to privacy settings, choose the view as public option and then update as necessary.

If she friend requests you, you can see her profile. I would sit on it indefinitely. Drive her crazy


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I also heard that if you friend request someone that is set to 'private' that you can see their profile, friends, etc.

If your profile is set to private, just ask one of your friends. Unfriend them, validate that they can't see your items anymore, and then have them send you a friend request. See what they can see after that.

Good luck, and please let us know what you find ;J


Don't water the plants - they're plastic

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, November 1st (Friday)

When you look at your privacy settings, there should be a link to click where you see what others can see on your home page. (Obviously, friends see everything. This is for non-friends.)


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 944 | Registered: Mar 2012
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I just noticed she has 677 facebook friends.

Maybe she really DOES friend request everyone.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I was thinking that, Jana, that maybe she is just a friend collector. If she has no boundaries or concept thereof, of course she'd be interested in the wife of her old friend. Innocent. Just stupid.

Or as you were saying above, maybe she's conniving and pathetic. Or lonely and evil. There could be a mix in there. I'd have a problem not poking at her, honestly.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 5861 | Registered: Jan 2011
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 1st (Friday)

. I can sit on it indefinitely, which I am sure will drive her nuts, and look at all the crazyass shit on her profile page.
she can cancel the friend request and you'll lose access to her page. I think it sounds like she wants to be your friend. Liking pictures of you on your husband's page, is probably her way of trying to show you that she is not a threat. I could be wrong though...does she know for a fact that you know who she is? I'm facebook friends with the woman my husband had an EA with. His was more one sided too. I don't think she was interested in him at all. She liked the money he gave her and the special privileges that came from being close to the boss/owner of company. I have her blocked from some personal and family photo albums on FB .

Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2013
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Jana

If you click on the "message" bar on your cover photo, hit the down button.

Click on "View as"

This gives you exactly what the public will see when they look you up.

Then you can scroll down each item, click on the icon in the right hand top corner. It will tell you what that item is set for: ie: friends only, public, etc. You can change each one to suit yourself.

Boy did I clean up my page!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Thank you guys for the primer on my settings! I am definitely going to switch some stuff around!

I'm sure she would realize that I'd know she's his ex - I mean, he and I have been together since 2002, I'm sure she would realize we would know the names of each other's exes. I don't know if she thinks I'm ignorant to the fact that they were talking last year. In fact, she got a whoops-wrong-number call from an SI'er last year when I was trying to run down all the numbers on his phone bill.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6161 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Topic Posts: 22