User Topic: t/j Don't go away mad
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I do not want to muddy up the other thread because I think it is a very important thread, but it made me realize what makes me think about going away from SI.

When I read threads where newbies or those who have traveled the infidelity road for a long time, but they are struggling with the little voice that says something is wrong, or their WS is less than 100% in R with them, I want to give my experience. Then again, I don't want to be the debbie downer.

But there have been times I could see the oncoming train in a situation and the BS is wandering along the tracks and I want so badly to save them from the impact by sharing what I've been through and clearly outlining the danger signs. At the same time I have to pull back and know that I cannot and sometimes should not give those pearls of wisdom, but then when the train makes impact I want to leave because it hurts to watch a broken and scarred BS take another hit.

I have also been called on the rug for being the dark cloud, so I don't always know that I belong here.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Idk, I value all input I receive. Sometimes it applies, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I think that although I understand someone's point of view, they aren't in my shoes EXACTLY but respect their thoughts.

I don't think you're advice will change a BS from taking another hit. We all have to go through this on our own timetable, we all have different situations and we all have different tolerance levels, etc. I, personally, would rather have someone tell me like it is, than a cheerleader telling me it will all be ok. We know that's not the case.

ETA, I would bet that many of us have had things happen and looked back on advice we received here and thought, wow, he/she was right, but I wasn't ready to hear it yet kinda thing.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 10:03 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Kierst, I feel we need all perspectives here. Some of us are the glass half full and others are the glass half empty. Neither is right or wrong, just is.

I feel if you want to share with someone your journey, you should. As the saying here goes "Take what you need, leave the rest" would apply.

I find many of your posts to be insightful and helpful to members.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, November 1st (Friday)


I am right there with you sometimes, however I do try and give back knowledge or lack there of at times. I have been going through this for 30yrs and 2 WH's later, I can see the train coming from a mile away now. Unfortunately I could not see my own and wished I had someone who had pointed it out to me. I tend to sometimes project and then have to tell myself not to respond to certain threads. I have had my hand slapped a few times myself and I usually deserved it once I thought about it. But as much support as I have recieved on SI it is worth it.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, November 1st (Friday)

I have also been called on the rug for being the dark cloud, so I don't always know that I belong here.

I have been on SI for over 6 years and I still struggle with giving advice versus giving support. I often feel my advice goes against the grain and makes others angry. Basically, I just try to let others know what worked for me when dealing with the emotional suffering and reconciling my marriage.

Early on in R, when I was what at what is often referred to as the rage stage, I started somewhat of a vent type thread where I disagreed with our MC. My thinking at the time was based on righteous anger and I was convinced I was right. Most of the other SI members provided support and agreed with me. However, there was one member with a response that went against the grain of the thread. I remember the response because it pissed me off to no end. My anger kept me thinking about their response over and over again. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I could not refute the advice. As a result, this one SI member and their short piece of advice completely changed the course of R.

Soon after that post, I was able to find forgiveness for my FWW and not long after that I considered my marriage happily reconciled.

My advice to you...Continue to do the best you can to help others. For all you know, yours may be the one response that changes someone's life.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:29 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Hey Kierst

You have to remember those who call you out for being a debbie downer might also be hiding their own truth. What you say might just be hitting a chord.

I think the truth, as you see it, is always welcome. What isn't, is a 2x4 that draws blood, there is a big difference.

So be you, share how you feel.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:52 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, November 1st (Friday)

However, there was one member with a response that went against the grain of the thread.

I think a lot of those willing to go against the grain are brave for doing so. It's not always easy to do so.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13809 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, November 1st (Friday)

My advice to you...Continue to do the best you can to help others. For all you know, yours may be the one response that changes someone's life.

This is truly important fact. I often wonder what I can give as I am so emotionally unconnected to infidelity at this point in my healing. I often wonder how cold my responses might be because they are created without the onrush of emotions that filled me closer to d-day.

I'd encourage you to keep posting. Share your path, share the enlightenments that you have had. In the response, you give the tools for the other person to sort through their story and see what applies and doesn't.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 52673 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Harden, what was the advice? Would it apply for others?

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, November 1st (Friday)

Kierst, you really haven't been here that long. For that matter, compared to others, neither have I! But one thing I have learned over time, is we can't stop bad things from happening. (goodbye codependency!) It truly hurts to watch someone run headlong down the path of destruction. Sometimes we can maybe cushion the blow. But what I have learned, is most people have to learn this stuff for themselves, and learn it the hard way. And that's ok. We can be here when they begin to absorb what they've been told. Just like for all of us, this is new to people. So much of what we know from being BS or a heal WS is the opposite of what infidelity looks like to others. So, patience, grasshopper. Your words have value. But don't take it personally when they are rebuffed. Sometimes support is trying to open people's eyes, and other times it is holding their hand when they need to keep them closed.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 1st (Friday)


Everyone here adds value and everyone's experiences and opinions are wonderful when shared.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198308 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Thanks to all for yours words and advice. I know I am a direct personality, but I never intend to offend, I prefer to help.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I understand what you are saying. I have deleted my long post when almost done many times. Sometimes, I submit it.

I also wonder if I'm coming on too strong. But mostly, I am trying to get someone who is being hurt, know that they have power. Power to change, power to stop it, lots of power. They just haven't found it.

It's heartbreaking to read about what some are willing to accept as OK, and I just want to jump through the computer to hug them and help them.

What is too much? I just don't know.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 1st (Friday)

My advice to you...Continue to do the best you can to help others. For all you know, yours may be the one response that changes someone's life.

Absolutely this. Yeah it's a sore spot cos we're all in a rough place but apart from that everyone is just as different in their ways of thinking etc. as anywhere else. I think the shit a lot of people say to me IRL is dumb, and I'm sure people feel the same way about me. And I really don't care. Just put your shit out there and let the reader worry about what to do with what you say, hate it love it or indifferent. Also other people could be reading your response to whoever you're responding to and they might get something out of it.

Also yours is a username I recognize and I'm a newbie and there aren't a lot that I do. and I will read what you post because I find it helpful in my circumstance.

me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Honestly, Kierst13, you just never know what your words' impact would be, a day from now, 2 days, or 10 years from now. It's like all those sayings my grandmother was telling me growing up, I just followed without really knowing. Looking back, I'm glad I did and how big an impact what she said to me decades later is amazing. But when I was a child, I couldn't have understood or known.

Hope that makes sense. Even if it is a "downer" who cares? you've given your opinion and point-of-view, that's all we could do in most cases and hoped it helped someone in some way.

Just like what I'm doing now .

Hugs your way.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, November 1st (Friday)


What makes SI work is the experience we share with one another, and your experience is as valuable as everybody else's.

I post a lot, but even almost 3 years out, I don't go into JFO, because it's too painful for me. (And even though I post a lot, I draft more responses than I actually submit.)

If you've been confronted for being at low points here, remember that your recovery is new, and it's natural to be very far down in the early stages. More important, you're always where you are, and that's OK.

I believe you belong here if you want to belong here. IMO, you may actually belong here most when you're afraid you don't.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 16