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User Topic: H gave his number to our new neighbor
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Lets start by saying I feel totally gutted. Like a fish. H has been great these last few months. 100% remorseful. Taking on anything and everything to make my life easier. About a month ago we moved to a new place. I really needed the change and it has been helping me cope and lessen the pain of being in the same neighborhood as OW. Well of course there's a SAHM next door that has come out to meet and welcome H to the neighborhood. Three times. Not me. Only when H is out front with the kids. Well guess what? SAHM came by last night to bring the kids some candy. I was with one child out trick or treating and H was home with the other giving out candy. They exchange phone numbers at her request. He tells me immediately when I get home. Apologizes profusely and marches next door to say that he wants her to have my number instead. So I march over and introduce myself and we exchange numbers. Needless to say my head exploded and my guts spilled out. I let him have it and then him out (again) he said he thought a it was harmless and that he tried to correct it right away. "He wasn't thinking". Where have I heard that before? This might be the end of the rope for me. His OW was a SAHM and mother of one of our daughters friends. Am I overreacting? Please any words of wisdom. This hurts so damn bad. I'm having déjà vu


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, November 1st (Friday)

((SoAngry))

I don't think you are overreacting, since his A partner was so similar. It is good that he told you right away, but he should never have given her the number in the first place. Did he give her your home number, or his own cell number?


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Thank you red rose. We don't have a home number. We just have cells so that's what he gave her. I told him I want him to change his number and he said he will. We changed both our numbers after dday.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Ugh. MrH gave his number to a mom on our kids' baseball team. He thought it was ok because he wasn't attracted to her. Just a few days before she had stood talking to him while he was in his car and she actually physically blocked me when I walked up. He didn't see a problem with that either. For me...red flags were up. Even if she wasn't on his radar, he was probably on hers from her behavior.

That's what I see here. Weak boundaries on his part and red flags on hers.

You guys need a game plan for incidents like this. Even if it's not socially acceptable, like telling the woman he doesn't give his personal number out to women. If she needed to contact him, it could be through the shared home phone or his precious wife's phone.

He needs to read up on boundaries though, because all of the planning in the world won't matter if he doesn't have boundaries set that protect the M. He has to want to build strong castle walls and be your knight and your knight only, ready to slay anything that risks your M.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 11002 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 1st (Friday)

If he thought it was harmless, then why did he tell you immediately and apologize?


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 1st (Friday)

It's good that he told you and she now has your number. I hope he follows through and changes his number soon and loses her number from his phone as well.

You are not overreacting. Not.one.bit!


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Lieshurt. When I got home he looked like his dog died. I could see it all over his face. He thought it as harmless cause he would just give me her number and delete hers from his. I think after it was done he realized that's exactly how his A started and realized he needed to correct it.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, November 1st (Friday)

FWIW, as soon as I see someone new in the neighborhood I always go over & introduce myself, including name & phone number. I do at least TRY to meet the wife/girlfriend, though.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9317 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Thank you Holly and the big hurt. It's like has he learned a lesson or not?? Obviously not. Mind boggling


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Thanks nature girl. I get it. That she could just be friendly. I may be super sensitive. But the one thing I have learned is trust no one. I'm sure it could be nothing. But some times it's nothing that leads to some thing.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Personally, I don't think she was just being friendly. Just being friendly means not singling out the male in the family, but including whoever you see. So unless this SAHM has never seen you, SAAH, she's focused on your H. To me, that's a red flag.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 11002 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, November 1st (Friday)

I agree, you are not overreacting. The female neighbor's behavior is also inappropriate if you ask me. I've witnessed this behavior in many women in my life, the way they act around men, married or otherwise. (she should have also introduced herself to you) I sometimes feel I can spot them from a mile away.

Not that any of that matters if our spouses have firm boundaries in place, but it used to drive me crazy when women would circumvent me to get to my husband. It was always so obvious.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Oh HELL no there is no way i would go up to a married man and give him my number... Both of them disrespected you... Now she knows you are an insecure wife because you ran over to her place and introduced yourself and gave her your number. Where was your husband? i wonder if he was standing behind you giving the eye signals to the neighbor like " she made me fo this"

This brings back memories.. My exhusband sold life insurance and gave his number out freely...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Oh HELL no there is no way i would go up to a married man and give him my number... Both of them disrespected you... Now she knows you are an insecure wife because you ran over to her place and introduced yourself and gave her your number. Where was your husband? i wonder if he was standing behind you giving the eye signals to the neighbor like " she made me fo this"

This brings back memories.. My exhusband sold life insurance and gave his number out freely...

I hope he does learn some boundaries soon otherwise you will find yourselves moving again...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, November 1st (Friday)

A year ago this wouldn't have bothered me. I trusted my H and I really truly believe that the OW was married with kids and it would never happen. I feel so stupid and naive. Now all I see are lying cheating ppol who care only about themselves. Not even their own children. Breaks my heart. I don't need any more "friends".


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
pewpewpew
Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, November 1st (Friday)

No. Hell no.
He should NEVER feel the need to give anyone -especially another W his cell number.
I'm sorry but when you have betrayed your spouse - that shit is off limits.
Where are his boundaries?!
Has he not learned anything from your pain?!


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2013
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 1st (Friday)

My H said something not too long ago that really was true, and I am going to share it with you:

Before the A, if H gave our his phone number to someone like the neighbor, or a mom in my DD's class, or anything like that- I would assume the best. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that the neighbor lady had his number in case something happened with the house/yard, because it is good to have neighbor contacts in case we go out of town and someone needs to check on the cat. I would assume the mom in DD's class had his number because of carpool coordination, etc... I would assume that if he gave a female coworker a ride home, it meant just that- someone needed to be driven home and that was it. A cup of coffee was a cup of coffee.

Those days are gone. Now- I assume the worst when it comes to him and other women because I have seen what can happen when I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is just being a nice neighbor/parent/friend/whatever.

He needs to get out of that mindset. That "I'm just being nice" mindset. Because of what he did, he is in a situation where if he is friendly with another woman- even if she is being friendly with him first- I assume it is out of the norm and I jump on the defensive right away.

I believe your H was in that mindset when he gave out his number. I believe he realized what he did and told you- which is a good thing! Praise him for this.

He needs to work on getting out of that "I'm just being nice" mindset and stay guarded with other women. Unfortunately, that is a long term consequence of what he did and the loss of trust.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Thank u all for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Beyond breaking I have a hard time praising him for telling me right away. I get so angry. Why not think before he acts and not regret his actions? He should have known better.....


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, November 1st (Friday)

((((SoHurt))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24442 | Registered: Aug 2011
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, November 1st (Friday)

As a FWS I know I'm in the minority here but please hear me out.

First, what your WH did was insensitive at the very least. He didn't *think* until the deed was done BUT he *did* tell you and apologize. He didn't get defensive, shrug it off or accuse you of being too sensitive.

I think many BS lose sight of the fact that we waywards also go through a process. Change, as we all know, is difficult even for a truly remorseful WS. In my view he's still new to this process of changing and will have some missteps, as in this case. IMO this is understandable since the path isn't exactly a four lane paved highway. As he continues on this path of changing, he'll learn to spot the dangers *before* he runs into them.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5860 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 1st (Friday)

Lieshurt. When I got home he looked like his dog died. I could see it all over his face. He thought it as harmless cause he would just give me her number and delete hers from his. I think after it was done he realized that's exactly how his A started and realized he needed to correct it.

Here's the problem I see with it - he still doesn't have boundaries. After what he did, he should be at a place to know, right from the get-go, that that is someplace you just don't go.

I tend to be a little more skeptical and would be more inclined to think that his attitude after had more to do with him realizing if he got caught once, he could get caught again and he was nervous. To me it says he is still ripe for another A and I think that is a very big deal.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, November 1st (Friday)

there's a SAHM next door that has come out to meet and welcome H to the neighborhood. Three times. Not me.

Ummm, OW wannabe?

SAHM came by last night to bring the kids some candy. I was with one child out trick or treating and H was home with the other giving out candy. They exchange phone numbers at her request.

How 'convenient', did she know you were out of the house? I'm betting she did and took advantage of the holiday to 'visit' with your H again...

These things tell you all you need to know about her and her intentions. Keep your eyes open!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9670 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I thought the same things Crushed1 said. She is definitely an OW wanna be. She's too friendly with your husband and not you. This speaks volumes about her character. I bet she knew you left the house when she came to speak to your husband and ask for his number. Hope she got the message when you went to speak to her that your husband is off limits. The same thing applies to your husband. He should never allow something like this to happen again. Now wait to see if the new neighbor would actually call you.


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 335 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I'm not disagreeing with you that he should have thought about his actions and how you would feel BEFORE giving out his number.

However, the fact that he realized it all on his own shows progress. The fact that he was upfront with you right away shows progress. More importantly, it shows that he FEELS THE SAME WAY YOU DO, and is not merely doing what you say to get in your good graces (my H does this- he will do as I ask even though he doesn't agree, and then just think I am some crazy person- he doesn't get where I am coming from at all). All of those things are very good things.

Progress is good. Of course you want to be in a place where the neighbor lady comes outside to "welcome him" for the fifteenth time and he immediately just says, "hi I'm Jim, let me get my wife so you can meet her too," or "you know, as a married man, I don't give out my number to other women. If you need to get ahold of us, you can call my wife's cell- it is 555-5555. I will let her know you stopped by." But this doesn't just happen overnight, unfortunately.

I say to praise him for his progress because that will do two big things for your marriage:

1) It will encourage him to be upfront and honest with you more often. If every time he does so, there is an epic fight and you're mad and he is wrong for something he did...he might get to a place where he says, "f--- it, I'm just not going to tell her things because I'm going to get in trouble." What kind of behavior do you want to encourage?
2) if you are praising him for things he is doing right, he will not be able to later claim that all you do is nag him. Positive memories will begin to be built.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
SoAngryAndHurt
Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Thanks again all. Beyond breaking. I hear you loud and clear. It's lot easier for me to digest after a couple of nights. Thanks for the insight. It does make me stop and think. There is truth in what u are saying.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Nope, you're not over reacting at all. There was an OW wannabe in Finally10's road cycling group- they are persistent. Nip it in the bud and review boundaries.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I agree with beyondbreaking and Clarissa - while there is still work to be done on his boundaries, etc, I think it is really positive that he recognized this as problematic behaviour so soon and that he told you about it right away. He didn't handle it perfectly, but it shows growth that he handled it the way he did.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Ugh, that is so hard. My H also has (had) boundary issues and holy crap they're tricky!

We had a similar incident (different, but same effect) where H was talking to another woman and I was there but their convo was exclusive. Anyway, I was so pissed and hurt and we had hours of talk about it, how it happened, how I felt, how he felt etc. It was a major turning point in our relationship. For the better.

This is a process. We all want to be "there", where communication is perfect and no mistakes are made, but we can't just be there, we have to get there.

It's hard, painful and exhausting. But honestly, I'm only almost 5 months from true DDay and it's happening. I see the progress and it feels so good.

I'm not negating what he did. I would be livid!! But... he told you, he's willing to discuss and do what it takes to make amends. Sometimes the most learning comes from the most difficult things.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I truly hope this incident ends up bringing you and your H closer.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 889 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 28