Just Found Out
User Topic: Made a Decision but Need Help Sticking With it
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I need help from anyone willing to keep me from going back. This was at the suggestion of my counselor.
She suggested I reach out when I am tempted to call him or let him back to people that will give me strength to stay away. I have one friend who is willing to help that I can call but she also gives me a lecture that I am foolish so I am less certain I will call her.
I am still filled with hurt, anger, confusion and pain but I know one thing for sure I DONT WANT TO LET HIM SLIP BACK IN MY LIFE.
He has not tried to contact me other than acting as if nothing was wrong and texting me late one night asking me bring him his heating pad because his back hurt. REALLY. You just ripped my world apart and he didn't acknoledge my pain... he didn't apologize. He ignored me and then asked me to do a favor for him like nothing has happened. My counselor thinks he is a sociopath...a person who is unable to love, a person who shows no remorse because they have no conscience and one who is very impulsive. I have read alot on this personlity disorder and was shocked that it did describe him to perfection. So I know there is no chance of working it out but that doesn't mean my heart still doesn't pull me towards him.And this is also very common in relationships with sociopaths.... it creates a betrayal bond. And I must break free.
Shifting the focus from him to myself has helped me tremendously but I notice I slip back into obsessing about him - how, why and wanting to either hurt him or get him back.
SO I am listing what I am doing to focus on myself and what I will do when i start to lose focus on myself.
I am going to remove all items belonging to him today from my home and throw them away.
I am going to rearrange my bedroom and get rid of his dresser and all of the empty things that once held his belongings.
I am going to start volunteer work in a local food pantry to keep myself from sitting home alone sad and to keep from developing bad habits like hanging at a bar to not feel sad and alone.
I am going to church tomorrow even though I have no religious beliefs at this point.
I am going to work hard at my job instead of doing my job half ass because I cry all day.
I am going to wear my favorite clothes to work and day to day.. the ones I saved for when we would do something special.
I am going to attend a codenpendcy 12 step group and reach out to those members often.
I am going to try to allow myself to feel the pain when it comes but not drown in it.
I am going to immediately call a friend or post here as soon as I start longing for him and wanting him back so I can be reminded of how lucky i am to be free of him.

I hope I can get the strength that I need here when I am weak.
I am still very very fragile. I walk around my house aimlessly crying and just wanting him to call. I need as much support as I can get to just make it through each day and I am thankful I have found some support here.

If anyone has any other suggestions on how I can keep myself away from him and my thoughts from wanting him then please share.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

You go Ambermoon! Good for you! Do everything you said. Keep busy. Think of this as saving yourself. There is no way to hurt a sociopath. So run and never look back. I admire your strength.

Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Now that... is a plan!
The good thing about having a plan like this is, even if you don't "feel" it, by taking these steps you will rebuild your self esteem and you will start to feel it.
You don't need any strength from us. You just need to believe in your own.

Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17105 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I would also find the prettiest place possible where you can walk, run or sit and read, knit, etc.. Whenever you can, and when the thoughts about him start to bring you down, leave the house and go to this place....Sometimes we need to do things that are mindless and soothing in the fresh air..

If you like arts or crafts, get involved in taking a class ( beading, metal smithing, painting, etc )..Art may not be mindless but the work in creating it is soothing..

Last but not least, have you thought about taking a best friend or family member with you and going on a trip or a cruise when you can get time off from work?
Sending hugs and strength your way...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:07 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 22415
Happy  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Great list! The best part about this list is that you have a strong sense of identity. You may not always be perfect at it but you are keenly aware of a healthy happy you.
I know you're hurting now but your strength comes through and you will be so much better soon.... are WAY too good for him!

M-8 yrs together 11
Me-45 BW
D-Day 10-10-2008
In R

Posts: 758 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: South
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Thank you for your encouragement.
Here is my biggest fear. He has hurt me deeply before.... not by cheating but other behavior. I have actually stayed away from him for 2 months and just when I am feeling strong and a bit better... I call him. EVERY TIME. It is like once I am on the road to regaining my sense of self and my strength I think I can be with him without losing myself. I thing I can handle things differently and make it work.
I must make sure I don't follow the pattern that has become my life with him and reach out to him once I get in a good place. He knows this about me too and I feel him waiting.....
I don't understand why I do this to myself.... and my biggest fear is that I will do it again. At first I almost didn't want to take action to feel better because I always call him when I do. I wanted to prolong my misery to ensure I would stay away but I cannot function holding on to the hurt. Has anyone ever found themselves doing what I have been doing?

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Yes. Can you delete his number from your phone and block his number? I'm assuming you have no pressing need to communicate. Just go full no contact. Let yourself think, and be calm, you might find the serenity more intoxicating than he ever was.

Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Let yourself think, and be calm, you might find the serenity more intoxicating than he ever was.


Stay strong Sister Ambermoon. You are on the right tract.

You already know his MO! What a jerky guy!

Jerky Guy~ "I know Ambermoon is weak and can't live without my awesome asshole-ness so I will wait her out...Hummm...lets see, it was 2 months last time. I'll start 'hoovering' her around Xmas and maybe I'll 'get lucky' on NYE!" UGH

Drop him like the bad habit he is!

Delete, detach and block him.

Also let your friends know that you are not interested in updates about said jerky guy!

Because the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference!

Ditch HIM!

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Every time you feel the need to call him. Just stop and think about all the negative crap he did. Think about all the lies he told. Think about all hurt he caused you. Get mad. Keep telling your self.. He don't deserve you. Because he really doesn't. Know your worth. U can do it..

A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Thank you!
I deleted his number from my phone. It was SO HARD to do and I know now that I was just waiting for the perfect excuse to reach out to him or why else would I need that number?
Goodbye to you.

I am not saying this is easy. I still want him.... I hate to admit this but I do. I am doing my best to stay busy and trying to figure out who I am without him. I am trying to remember all of the pain and hurt so I don't want him.

One good thing is I am finding is that I am not strugglign to get through each moment but now maybe each hour? That is progress I guess.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
New Member
Member # 40832
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)

oh god.. i know how this feels. right now, i always have the temptation to mssg him and call him, just to hear his voice again. But whenever that happens, i try to play games, watch really addictive series to help me cope.. try that. it might work. =)

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Here's a bit of empowerment for ya, Moon......

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8081 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Yey, go Amber!!

You can do this , girl! We are all here for you if you have a bit of a wobble, but I think you'll smash it this time

Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
Topic Posts: 13