SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: 3rd times a "charm"
xibit1a
New Member
Member # 41191
Suspicious  Posted: 10:15 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Back around 06-08 found out WW was spending time via internet and in real with 2 other guys at separate instances of time. During that time had spyware monitoring her computer and confronted her with the evidence to which she crumbled in front of me and said she was sorry and that she had to seek out someone to talk to because I did not/was not offering what she needed. Did not seek counseling and forgave her and things seemed to be going well.

Fast forward to 5 years later and the beast has reared it's ugly head a 3rd time to tear me from within. Again, she says I was pushing her away and she needed someone - same guys from 5 years ago - I know all his info etc. She said it wasn't real, I said so if I take a fork and stab my hand I can just say it wasn't real as it bleeds and I scream in pain - I shouldn't feel it because it isn't real?

She once again has asked forgiveness and shown remorse. That it should not have happened. We have had multiple talks and are going to see an MC today for the first installment of who knows how long to get things resolved...

I know I have not been the best of husbands - becoming pre-occupied with work, discounting/downplaying her ideas on things, etc.

However, I have changed jobs to always improve our quality of life, finished my degree on a part-time basis while working full+ time, worked with therapists to manage my issues of communication and anger management.

I have decided to see what becomes of the MC sessions and see where we can go from here...start over as if day one, or call the time of death on the whole thing?


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Buffalo, NY
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I want you to know that her choice to cheat had nothing to do with you
OR
somehow, "not getting her needs met" - don't. even. consider. that.

That is a line used thousands of times here - it doesn't wash.

Take your time on "calling tod", but definitely, call tod on her excuses - which blameshift to "your fault" (for not filling her needs).

Keep posting.
We got your back.


Posts: 6430 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I think you're exhibit 1A of strength.
It took me literal months before I was sane enough to post advice in jfo.
You?
You rock, sir.

Posts: 6430 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Welcome here brother...

Has she ever communicated these "needs" with you? Somehow I doubt it. Most often, WS's have no idea what their needs really are, let alone how to communicate them (which makes the fantasy version of themselves they create in the affair so attractive as they can use it to escape their responsibilities for reality). Her affairs do nothing to solve this problem she claims and only serve to further contaminate the waters.

The marriage didn't make her do it. It was a choice she made. She likely has a very naive idea about how to build, nurture, and maintain a healthy relationship and expects it should just magically happen. By blaming the marriage, she is avoiding having to look at herself.

I'd be very clear with her that her behaviour is not acceptable and that you need to see a change if you are to stay in the marriage. In fact, I would go so far as to tell her that you agree this relationship leaves a lot to be desired and that you will re-evaluate your desire to stay in it. Don't accept ownership of the consequences of her dumping her responsibility.

Until you start seeing the change that you need to see, I think the 180 (check the Healing Library) is your best bet. Let her make her own choices, and put your focus on getting your life back together and moving forward independently. Let her know that your preference is to work on the marriage (if that is true), but that you have resolved yourself to moving forward from this mess one way or another.

Hang in there brother, you're gonna be okay and life will move forward.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Fast forward to 5 years later and the beast has reared it's ugly head a 3rd time to tear me from within. Again, she says I was pushing her away and she needed someone - same guys from 5 years ago - I know all his info etc. She said it wasn't real, I said so if I take a fork and stab my hand I can just say it wasn't real as it bleeds and I scream in pain - I shouldn't feel it because it isn't real?
Oh, it was real, alright! It may have been fantasyland bullshit for a while, to her, but it's real, the impact is real, and the impact is lasting.

Like jjct said, her choice to cheat is NOT a reflection on you. At ANY point, she could have chosen to come to you and work on the things that she claims bothered her. She could have done many other things that would have had a positive impact on your M. She didn't and that choice is NOT your fault.

I think that MC can be dangerous when you're still in the early stages. My H just manipulated the whole deal and it was a waste of time and money. I think IC for you both, for a while, THEN trying to meet in MC is a better idea.

There's a thread for Betrayed Men down in I Can Relate and you'll find yourself in good company there, so be sure to check that out!


Posts: 11417 | Registered: Mar 2008
wewillmakeit
Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

she crumbled in front of me and said she was sorry and that she had to seek out someone to talk to because I did not/was not offering what she needed.
How about a therapist, a clergyman, a sibling, a parent, a trusted female friend? How about you?
Her's is a common, and very dysfunctional, reaction to trouble in the marriage. A well adjusted person doesn't reach out to someone with whom they have romantic feelings to try and "fix" their relationship with their spouse. It is the very opposite of a reasoned response. Only you and she working together can help "fix" your relationship.
Ask her if actions made her relationship with you any better. Affairs don't improve the marital relationship. They make the wayward party feel "happy" or "wanted" or better about themselves. That is narcissistic behavior - again, just the opposite of what it takes to improve a relationship. She needs to look inside and figure out why she makes such counter-productive choices. Often it is Family of Origin issues that only she can resolve.
My WW went through 2 years of counseling to help her figure out that the fact that her mother being married 4 times in 12 years and that my wife didn't meet her father until she was 40 years old, may have had something to do with her dysfunctional choices.....?

[This message edited by wewillmakeit at 11:30 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 260 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
xibit1a
New Member
Member # 41191
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Thanks for all the responses. WW and I made it to the initial session with a MC yesterday. It was painstaking to finally get to the part where the MC finally asks 'Why are you seeking my help' and that is when I came out plain as day "She had an affair...three to be matter of fact." and that is where the wounds and scars became opened once again.

I spoke to the MC with my wife at my side and was able to go back and recall from the first affair she had in '06 with an old flame from HS. It wasn't a PA as far as I could tell, however the emails and chats and picture exchanges I was able to acquire revealed otherwise. She holds to the truth that all they had was nothing physical, just conversation and nothing else - sorry, but that is still straying from the relationship.

The second followed soon after that and probably was able to be hidden by the first and allowed me to think that everything was okay. It wasn't until late in '08 that I had my suspicions to which I installed software and was able to get information to hunt down what I needed to confront her and that is when she came out and we made an attempt to get back into the relationship as we had when we were married.

The third and most recent - 12th of October this year - and I initially just went on gut instinct due to the facts that were presented in the form of her missing her niece's son being baptized. I shrugged it off, but once again utilized software to get screenshots of emails and was able to read (and still see) what I needed to confront her.

The MC was curious how I was able to get all this info, all I said was that it was instinct mostly, but I do have a technological background and the know-how of where to go to get the items I need to acquire my info.

It was a hard afternoon to deal with the remembering of the situations and the items I can remember as if they had just happened yesterday. The major issue that had come out of it that puzzled the MC was that I wanted to contact the OW and let her know and make her aware. I felt it was my duty as well as my hope to have him struggle and put up with all that I have had to after these affairs. I told her sorry, but that is my concern and that I feel he should have to suffer like I and deal with life in the same ways that I have been doing in my/our marriage because of him. She said that I should be working on trying to resolve what is in front of me with my wife and let the past be what it is.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Buffalo, NY
Topic Posts: 7