SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: I don't like this...
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

H just called. He has been talking a lot with his sister who lives in another state, about 8 hours away.

This is good, he needs this, it is good for both of them.

They are making plans to meet, just the two of them halfway, 4 hours away, maybe overnight.

Over weekend, weekend after h's birthday. Weekend that last year he was luring me back in, right before Thanksgiving.

I am not feeling good with this. Not over night, not right now, not when I feel so trigger, not when I feel like this, I am not ready.

I feel foolish. I do not want to stay in that house alone at night at this time of year on these days. I don't want tot bew panicking and I am.

I feel that I am being selfish if I tell him don't go. I know it will be hard on me. Especially right now.

I am fighting that last year this year shit. It just pops into my head.
'
I feel like I am getting ill.

Why tell me at work he talked to her 2 days agol.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Can you go with him???


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I have to work and his sister wants it to be just the two of them.

I don;'t think she has a clue as to how this would affect me.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I guess I just need to talk to h. it's just these weeks ahead are so hard.

I just don't want to do this yet. It was hard the other night when he went out for a few hours, brought those feelings, tooo familiar. the nights spent screaming.

I hate that being in my own house does not feel safe anymore.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I know, grow up right? get over it. I am not a child.

It will hurt but I will survive.

I am having an anxiety attack. just thinking about this.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Talk to him. Express your feelings. Its OK to be selfish if you are honest why. See if you can come to a compromise of another weekend or have her come all the way to your house.

Both Broevil and I had to come to a place where both of us agreed and committed to our relationship being our primary relationship. Any other relationship was secondary, extended family included.

ETA: we crossed posted. Over come this together. This is not only yours to shoulder. WORK TOGETHER.

[This message edited by Chicho at 12:14 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
PrincessPeach06
Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I agree you need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you are feeling. My H had to go 90 miles away for 4 days next week for work and they offered him a hotel. I told him I would be a mess if he was gone all night - too soon and such a major trigger due to my last night home alone. :(. He agreed to drive every day - of course the $100 he will get per day for mileage doesn't hurt. :)


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Did he often have solo visits with his sister before A?

If no, then bro & sis can pool their gas & hotel monies and buy her a plane ticket to come stay at your house as long as she cares to stay. You can make yourself scare for bonding time.

If yes, then consider letting him go if he messages back lots and lots and lots of joint photos of the 2 of them.

In return for quality solo time, what is he also planning for quality wifey time?

Seems like his priorities are skewed.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

The timing of this is just terrible.

We are only beginning to begin.

This is the time last year, he had just left me, his 50th birthday was when he was gone, Nov 5th, that tortured me, it still hurts, a milestone that he shared with her , not me. these days around now the first time he had sex with her, I don't know what day because he cant remember so to me it could be any day.

This time last year he lied to me, it was my 2nd dday, November 21st. I just don't feel ready.

They have never done this before. why now, why this year?

I just don't want to go through these nights alone. Just not these nights.

I was just telling him this morning how hard these dates are for me right now. How I was hoping that next year would be easier.

I just wish that I didn't have to tell him. I just wish that he would know and put me first, consider me first, consider that I would not be this way if not for his choices.

Now no matter what I do I am going to pay a price.

If I say please don't go. Sister will be upset, h will feel like he is sacrificing.

If I say go, I will have to go through the intensified feelings, alone.

It just shouldn't be like this.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Boy that struck a chord. Priorities, I still do not feel like the first priority.

This has come up a few times.

He has not had a day off from work for 2 weeks. He is self employed. Thursday he decided to stay home and watch tv all day. I was at work.

I found out he was home at 1:30. It upset me so much because if he could afford to take a day off why didn't he take one on my day off?

Also, no texts, no phone calls until 1"30. I told myself he is working, too busy. Not true, watching tv.

Not a good way to feel.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Now the emotional roller coaster.

Fine, go.

I am feeling angry that he would even consider this at this time.

Yes bonding with your sister is great but how about rebonding with the wife that you betrayed and abandoned???

I guess his actions will show me. How important am I???


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Please communicate all of this to him. Don't waste it. Please let him see the his actions (even innocent ones) have a profound effect on you. Let him see the battle that is going in in your head.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

It is such a battle. Now I feel like crying.

I wish he had told me this last night at home. Not on the phone at work. I have a hard enough time trying to focus without this.

I just wish he would think of this himself. Think of how it would make me feel and choose me first.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

(((Cantaccept)))
I just wish he would think of this himself

That is a process that can take years. Trying to completely change patterns of thinking that he has probably had since childhood doesn't happen overnight. You are each other eyes and ears. He probably doesn't even no he is doing it. If it is pointed out over and over hopefully he will start to get it.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2581 | Registered: Aug 2012
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I need so badly to feel like I am the most important to him, above everyone.

His actions have hurt me so badly. I am still shocked at times that he really left me, left me for a stranger, a woman he texted with mattered more, a stranger mattered more.

I am not close to being healed from this. He has only begun to reassure me.

I just don't know, this all hurts so much.

Sometimes I just want to scream, show me, prove to me, do for me if you love me so much, if not please just leave me alone.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I think you need to ask him not to go. Tell him how you really feel about it and that you don't want to be alone for those days.

Yes, it would be great if he had the sensitivity to figure this out on his own, but since he's apparently not there yet, I think you should tell him.

There is nothing for you to feel bad about. His sister should be able to understand. They CAN get together, just not then. And he should certainly be able to understand your feelings. And frankly, should be happy that you WANT to be with him during that time.

Good luck and hang in there.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I agree with the others, you need to talk to him about what you need and what you can handle right now, given the triggers of this time of year. I am totally with you, my D-Day was last year at this time and it sometimes comes back like a bat to your head when you don't expect it.

You and your H need to discuss what he can do to make you feel safe...it that's not going, or if that's face timing all night while he is at the hotel so you can see him in his bed alone, or if that's having his sister check on him sometime during the night at a random time, or you calling at random times. My H and I use face time so that we can see each other, see the face and then I face time him during the night if I feel I need to. Traveling is NOT EASY!

Cantaccept, you are so hard on yourself for having these feelings. Allow yourself to have them, recognize them, sit with them for awhile. You don't have to apologize for being "selfish". This is far from selfishness.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I will talk to him. First I will calm down and see what he has really planned.

How firmed up are these plans. I will tell him how I feel. Again it is his choice on what to do.

I was never like this before, I was okay staying alone, it's not that.

Maybe when more time has passed and we are in a better place together. Just not at this time of year on the first anniversaries of all these dates and there are many.

For some reason the dates are so etched in my brain.

While he was gone, I constantly checked his phone, his bank records, to see what he was doing. I tortured myself.

Today, one year ago he took her to "our" restaurant on a date. The one he took me to on a very special date. He was there with her and I was home, checking the computer, I saw the charge, I knew where he had been with her and what he was probably doing after. I was sitting at the computer, screaming, crying, no,no,no. Please stop, please don't do this.

This is torture.

I remember it all so clearly. I remember more than he does.

This still cuts like a knife.

Maybe, if he is receptive, I will show him this thread, let him see how my mind works now.

I really don't want to think like this. I don't want to remember, I just do.

I just hold on to the hope that in the future it won't hurt so much, but for now it does.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

H decided to stay home!

We need to talk more about how and when to approach me. Not at work, not when we can't talk. He needs to learn how such ordinary things affect me now because these are not ordinary times.

I have to try to control my emotions, not let them rule me.

I think what hurt is that he would think of leaving me alone during these days. I made me feel like he isn't really understanding me.

He said he didn't have to go if I did not want him to. A perfect response in normal times. I wanted to hear of course I'm not going to leave you during these dates when I see you struggling.

Okay not the perfect response but the action of staying with me is more important than the words.

Also, I expressed my concern of him feeling resentful, like he was sacrificing for me, he said of course not. He also said I am terrible at these words. I was thinking but not saying, I'm not going to leave her.

I look at my emotional roller coaster today, it makes me wonder who am I. How did I come to this point of hypersensitivity, I used to be so easy going, now it seems as if I look at everything as a potential threat.

I don't like this part of the new me.

Something else to work on, add to the list.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

H decided to stay home!

Yay!

Omgosh, just yay, yay, yay!


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Oh, what a relief!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are only one year out. You have a long way to go.

I am SO GLAD that he decided to stay home. I wouldn't have been able to handle him leaving, either.

I wonder who I am each and everyday. I never used to be the way I am now, but at the same time I realize that a bomb has been dropped on me, and I don't know where I'm going to end up. If he thinks I'm a little emotional at times, too bad!

Keep doing what you're doing, and know that you are completely normal in your feelings. It will eventually get better!

Oh, and the staying home and watching TV thing? WTH?? I would have been hurt by that! Especially if he didn't communicate with you that whole time and you thought he was at work.. Again...you are completely normal!!!

(((cantaccept)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I am so glad too that you got some relief. I could so feel your emotions and identified with your fear. It is so hard to have fear in your own home and I have that too when alone. You just feel this danger and threat and helplessness against defending yourself about the unknown of what is really happening "out there".
I really did not want you to have to be alone at this time.
Hugs to you


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, November 4th (Monday)

Thank you for the kind words and for making me feel "normal".

It was terrible finding this out at work. I don't think he really understands that I am just different now. Before, I wouldn't have thought a thing, would have been happy for him, go have a great time.

Now, at this time nothing is simple. I told h these are not normal times. I don't fear him cheating, that is not the fear. The fear is the anxiety, the pit I can still descend into so easily and I am finding these weeks to be hell. The images, the this day last year, it is still so very painful.

If h had not come back, I would have moved, I would not have stayed in this house. I lived through so much pain in these rooms, while I was alone, when he would come back and say terrible things to me. I still want to move.

Anyway he did make the right decision for me. I wanted to talk to his sister and thank her for understanding and make sure she knew it was not that I didn't want him to spend time with her but the timing was just too difficult for me.

I am feeling a bit paranoid, she had been on the phone with h last night. I called her and hour later and she didn't pick up. I left a message and she hasn't returned my call. Wondering if she just thinks I am a bitch or a total nut job.

Let it go, more important things...


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1335 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, November 4th (Monday)

Cantaccept I feel for you, but what a relief he has put you first and is staying home.

This thread has raised so much for me. I found out at the end of September he had cheated and since then he has been home for 6 days in total. He refused to cancel his business trips because of his "reputation".

I asked him to cancel the latest one because I couldn't bear to live through more days and nights on my own. But he said no. He's away now and its killing me.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2013
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I relate to what you are saying. My WH wanted to go to a concert in the same area as his affair with OW at the same time the year before that he met her and the EA exploded. I was heartbroken and triggering like crazy. He wanted to go so bad, he ignored my tears and pleas and pushed and pushed until I said go ahead. He bought the tickets and made his plans...I couldn't go because someone had to be here with our son. It was our MC that told him he couldn't go. He was shocked and almost started crying. Then I felt relieved and guilty at the same time.

You are not a baby for triggering or not feeling okay with being left . You are wanting your husband to be thinking about you, putting you first, making your needs and feelings a priority. That is the way it should be. It makes it hard when another person is involved especially someone like his sister. Hopefully she can understand that you have been traumatized and need your husbands help to get through this.

I would be bugged too if my husband took the day off to watch TV instead of using a day off to spend time with me especially when our marriage has been so damaged by his selfish behavior.

I just read your update. I'm glad you are not going to have to suffer through that visit. If your sister-in-law doesn't understand, your husband needs to get with it and explain what he did and how it has hurt you.

Our marriage counselor told my WH that the affair was like a nuclear bomb that exploded. There is deep trauma and it was caused by what he did. I don't think my WH got it but at least I felt that someone understood how it feels.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 26