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Just Found Out
User Topic: My nightmere
lidiya
New Member
Member # 41206
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

First of all I have to appologize that English is not my first language. And second of all my case is way different than anybody else's case, it's a real nightnere.
I lost my husband recently and my D-day was the day of the funerals, when I got his phone, which I had never checked before (I am very trusful and stupid!) I don't know how I even survived the discovery.... Piles and piles of lies, of dirt... Just to give a comparison I have to give you one name - Tiger Woods. There are so many things I want to share, so many questions I need to find answers for, but it is my first post, I hope I'll tell you more. What I want to find out first of all is what was wrong with him? There must be some kind of a diagnosis for this behavior

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
LetMeRollIt
Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I'm so sorry to read that. My thoughts are with you.

I have no answers.


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Lowlow
Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Please take care of yourself. Indeed, your situation is different from many of us. Try to eat and drnk lots of water. These-are simple things, but so important in the healing process.

You have us to assist you in your discovery, loss and journey. Please remember that.

Can you afford to see a social s worker or psychologist? I think that might be an important support for you now.

Hugs.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 198 | Registered: Mar 2013
lidiya
New Member
Member # 41206
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I do take care of myself because I have two children and one of them is under 18. I am trying to figure out something. To be a husband, a father, a very succesful professional,and to have multiple emotional and phisical affairs all in the same time - there must be some abnormality about that? How can somebody lie for so long and for so often to your whole family which loves you so much and so proud of you? It must be some kind of a disorder... Another problem is I still love him very much, I would love to forgive him and start it all again, but no chance...

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

I am so very sorry. This is indeed, a special kind of hell, where you can''t even ask for answers. I know that there is at least one other person here who had a similar situation if I can remember her name, I will PM you with it as she may be someone that you can talk to.

In the meanwhile, I''m glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your child. Please. If you hear nothing else this weekend, hear this.

It was NOT your fault. YOU did not cause this. His betrayals were ALL on him. He made the decision to betray you when he had many other options talking to you, seeking counseling, asking for a divorce if he was truly unhappy, etc. It was his DECISION to betray you you did not drive him to it.

(((hugs))) Please come back often for support. We''re all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4551 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
lidiya
New Member
Member # 41206
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)

Thank you for your support and kind words. I am trying hard to make some sense in my situation. I cannot discuss all that with my children because he always was their role model, not with my parents who loved him as he was their own son, not with friends or other relatives because everybody loved him! Yes, he was an amaizing man... with a double personality and double life. I should have been a better wife, I should have noticed something and taken care of what was wrong. I always noticed women's reaction on my husband, how they simply couldn't take their eyes of him even in my presence. Why didn't I think what could happen when I am not around? And he was out of town very often on bussines. But it is too late... I just do not know how I am supposed to heal? Yes, I would really want to contact someone who has similar experiense, to talk to somebody who can understand how much it hurts...

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Please don't take responsibility for your husband's choices. You did not cause this.

I'm very sorry for all the horrible things he did to you and I'm equally sorry for the loss of the man you loved.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
realgood2u
Member
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, November 16th (Saturday)

Just now reading your post.

We have had two or three others who have found out about infidelity after the WS died or had an accident or major health problems. Unfortunately, I cannot remember names.

I believe if you went to the general forum and asked to connect with others of similar situation you might find some help.


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2008
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 17th (Sunday)

My thoughts and prayers are with you too..I hate the position you are in and wish the phone that you checked was broken so that you wouldn't have had to find out this way..

Please continue to take care of yourself and try not to be blind sided if any issues come up with your husband's estate such as debts..

It would be good to retain a lawyer and also confide into / ask a trusted friend or family member to help you...You will need help to deal with any surprise issues your husband's A's may have caused for you and your family..You have enough on your plate to deal with such as being in shock and grieving your husband's physical loss as well as finding out about his secret activities at the same time...Counseling can also be a source of strength..

Just know that there was nothing you could have done to prevent your husband from making the choices that he did..You are a human and you could not have been everywhere your husband was..Being married shouldn't mean that you have to monitor your spouse while either of you are away from the other..

You trusted him to be faithful and it was up to him to keep that vow....

I'm sure you were living your life and making your daily plans under the assumption and trust that your husband was faithful and like most of us , you would have continued to do so unless or until you found a reason to mistrust him...So please don't beat yourself up..

Sending you strength and hugs...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:52 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

I would get the support of your parents. He is gone now...you are still here and need the healing support of YOUR parents.

I would want to know if this was my daughter, regardless of how I felt about her husband.

You can get a lot of support here, but nothing will compare to a hug from your mom or dad.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

I do agree 100% with hopeful mother...

I am hoping that you already have the support of your parents..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:12 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

((Lidiya))) My husband led a double life, too. He's still alive (though he has a serious illness and likely will take every secret I have not uncovered to his grave), but it does no good, because he has refused to tell me a thing.

Yes, it is symptomatic of a personality disorder. I can intellectually understand that, but emotionally, that does not do much good. It still decimated me, to learn that the man I'd spent more than 30 years with was a complete and utter stranger.

You will heal, even without answers. Let yourself feel whatever you feel about him. Do not censor your feelings, even if you feel you "should" because he is no longer alive. Death does not confer sainthood, though it is our impulse not to think ill of the dead. He earned the scrutiny to which his memory is exposed. That he went to the grave with such secrets was exquisitely selfish and cruel, and indicative of a pathological sense of entitlement.

You do not have to protect his reputation. If it would help you to confide in someone, do so. If you feel you cannot confide in a friend or family member, please consider counseling. Actually, do that, regardless.

You will get past this. Millions of hugs to you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Although...he is gone...you can still benefit from reading "Not Just Friends"...this can help you understand why some men of power and influence lead these double lives and what they get from it.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, November 18th (Monday)

(((Lidiya)))

I am so so sorry you had to find out that way. We are all here for you and I do remember, like others have said, that there was a poster in a similar situation to you. We will do our best to find them!

I agree with what others have said regarding telling your parents - you are still here and need their support and I think they will understand. Please reach out to as many people as you can right now.

None of this was your fault whatsoever. None of it.


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, November 18th (Monday)

How horrible. I imagine what you are going thru is a special kind of hell. There was someone here with the same situation, but I believe she is no longer on SI,

The above suggestion about getting a lawyer is a very good suggestion. OW's, OC's could start coming out of the woodwork looking for money, so please please protect yourself.

You need support. Real life support. Find a IC ASAP. What you have experienced is a horrific shock, and you will need someone's support.

My heart goes out to you.

Additionally, you asked if your H had a 'disorder'? My guess would be that he was a sex addict.

Again, I am so so sorry for your pain.

PPGA

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:02 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
bh14801
New Member
Member # 41041
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, November 18th (Monday)

Lidiya,
First I want to say I am sorry. Hugs to you! Your story hits close to home for me, my H was going to commit suicide without me knowing anything, which I wouldn't of understood or ever know the reason. I caught him in his weak moment and he confided in me every terrible detail. I believe he was in the catagory of sex addict. Makes me sick, but I know it was his choice, had nothing to do with me, just like your situation has nothing to do with you. I only found out 2 months ago and sometime I wish I didn't know everything I did. I feel I knew a good person and now I know a complete stranger, one I wouldn't even think about being with. Think of the good times you had that is your reality, you still have your memories, he wronged you, a good person and a good wife. But if it is like my H he does love me and said that this sickness had nothing to do with me at all. It is a nightmere and I do understand you not wanting to tell anyone, I don't want to either. Talk with a counselor I think that will help, but don't beat yourself up, I didn't have a clue and this went on for 25 years! Do what makes you happy now don't go crazy thinking about it, its over for him and you now, so just hold your good memories and don't feel guilty about that. For some of us the nightmere goes on and on.....


**One day at a time**
D-Day 9-20-2013
BS - 51
H - 63
Together 25 years
Married 10 years

Posts: 18 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, November 18th (Monday)

First I want to say how sorry I am that you had to find out the way that you did. That must be so difficult
I want to tell you, do not keep his secret. You have to take care of you and your children and you are only as sick as your sickest secret.
It shouldn't matter to you what people think of him now. Its more important what you think of you and for you to take care of yourself. Get whatever help you need. Lean on your family. Sending you good thoughts


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 17