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Reconciliation
User Topic: Healing yourself
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I think many of us BS struggle with this. It's such a humbling experience. What? I need to work on myself?

One thing holding me up, I don't want my spouse to have the new and improved me. What? You stabbed me in the back and I'm charged with becoming a Better person?

Anyone else struggle with this? Ideally, the spouses should want to be on the same team. I can do this superficially all day long. In my heart though. I can't do it. Yet. I wonder if this becomes a choice! Or do wait for the feeling?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I have no choice. My usual coping strategies just don't work any more. I need to be the best I can be. I need to be a stronger version who won't go down the codependency route again. I will not be destroyed by this so I have to heal.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

rachelc,

This has been a thought in my head all through R (just over 1 year now). I have struggled with this.

The way you have phrased it has given me a new perspective.

One thing holding me up, I don't want my spouse to have the new and improved me.

I have certainly had this thought, many days. He had a great woman, and a great marriage, and he chose to piss it all away for a cheap thrill. Now I am supposed to pick myself up and dust myself off, and most difficult of all I am supposed to try to be the woman I was before all of this...so he can have that wonderful wife back? ...And this is how my thinking goes.
Now seeing you, post it here in black and white, I think I can now begin to see that I don't need to do that for HIM, but why would I deny all of the other people in my life, who have loved me well (Mother, Friends, Children) the strongest most beautiful and joyful version of myself ? Why should I deny myself the pleasure of going through life with HER?

Yet I wonder if this becomes a choice! Or do wait for the feeling?

YES! Both I think! I am going to make the choice to feel good about myself again, and wait for the good feelings to return.

Thank you rachelc. You gave me the kick in the pants I needed today.

[This message edited by toughernow at 3:23 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I like what was mentioned about abandoning my old coping mechanisms and actually addressing and processing life in a mature fashion. I was NOT the "great" husband I thought I was. I had great qualities but also some unhealthy qualities too. This is wisdom my wife and I can both glean from this experience, should we chose too. Our inabilities to process life during our formative years is very much "in-play" in our M. We just never were still enough to recognize that fact or become aware of the danger our M was in.

I am changing for myself. The fact that my wife may benefit from this is the icing on the cake. It appears I had a wound from my formative years that I did not process. I am doing that now. It does SUCK to be charged with doing this while I process through the pain my wife inflicted on me.... But if I don't, the risk of adopting a "victim mentality" for life increases . And accepting that alternative is more uncomfortable then the pain I am currently in.

I get your reluctance surrounding your spouse...how he gets a better you...like it is a reward for some dreadful behavior ( some exports say adultery is among the worst pain a person can inflict on another).

Gently, your husband is not the only one who will benefit if you achieve new, healthy, permanent growth. Our kids, our extended family members, friends and co-workers, even complete strangers will benefit from this.

If we set into motion a mode of self improvement and are committed to radical honesty and living authentically....how could that do anything but improve the small amount of the world we have influence over? If we resist this change and we don't see our own weakness's, our spouses are not the only ones that will suffer.

It is said that love is the purest, strongest motivator of healthy change we possess. I pray for all affected by adultery that they open their hearts and learn to love again.

As a BS their are times I feel my heart is nothing but scar tissue....very contracted, ugly, and lacking feeling. But, at 14 months out I see this feeling was a truth of the moment. My heart is still vibrant and desires to love again. I can see it is not as scarred as I once believed .


May God be with all of us.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:32 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

You know, I've been working on this for 3.5 years. I'm a better friend, mother, daughter and employee. But I don't give that joyous compassionate person to him. Just can't. Yet.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

(((Rachel's))). I don't have this mastered yet. I get what you are expressing. Do you feel you can be fully loving and vulnerable to your children while still having the ability to hold back from your husband?

I ask in seriousness. I think I am a very simple man...don't believe I can be both of these at once. BUT I read where some people, particularly se women can "multi task emotionally"....so my whole post may only resonate with simple people.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

You should be you, always. If you are angry with him, then that's what he'll see. That doesn't mean you aren't the joyous compassionate person, it means he isn't bringing that out in you. Well, I should say his presence puts that side of you to sleep. It isn't his job to make you happy any more than it was your job to make him happy.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
toughernow
Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I've been working on this for 3.5 years. I'm a better friend, mother, daughter and employee

The pain has not been for nothing.

That's what you were given. It's what we were all given, the chance to open ourselves up wide to the possibility of becoming greater than we were. It's not the route I would have taken to get here if I were actually given a choice, but it's the one I was given.

I don't know if you will be able to extend this gift to him eventually, hell I don't know if I will be able to extend this gift to my fWH, but in the meantime we take our victories where we can.

[This message edited by toughernow at 3:45 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Good point tougher. I should be happy I am this person to others.

Blake- I feel I can do this for my kids as they are out of the house and there isn't much action where we're all together..,,


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

Thanks for answering my question rachelc....I understand your situation better.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)

I said this to my WH the other night. Sometimes I feel like if we come out of this better, it's a reward for his infidelity. That's a hard pill to swallow. I want to be the happy, loving, woman I was but I don't feel like he's earned her yet. Of course he has no idea what to do with the sullen, withdrawn, angry, analytical woman I've become.

[This message edited by AML04 at 6:40 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, November 4th (Monday)

I struggled with this. I came to terms (or continue to come to terms with it) it this way. They are my values, my actions and this is who I want to be. That is mine. Yep she gets the benefits, but so do I. I am not choosing those things for her but for me. To be honest the whole world gets a better me. That's pretty cool.

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Bikingguy
Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 4th (Monday)

I certainly understand your point. I have been exercising more and eating better the last 1.5 years (only 10 months spend as a knowing BS) and lost 25 pounds. Am in the best physical shape in many years. I am also trying to improve my self esteem. Ironically as I do, I find myself more disappointed and disgusted with WW and her actions the last 15 years. I hate to sound arrogant but I have begun to question why I am staying with such a broken person?


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Dance4Me
Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 4th (Monday)

Four years out and I struggle with this topic very much so! I thought I was pretty awesome before he cheated. I had a pretty good sense of self, and had decent self esteem. On dday - and with four months of TT, he broke me completely. For me, it is difficult to become a so called "better person", when I thought that his cheating had nothing to do with me. But now that he cheated, his actions changed me for the worst! I hope I make sense.

I tell him that he had me at my best and cheated, and now he loves me even more despite me being at my worst - a fallout of his behavior that I can't seem to change no matter how hard I try.

Such a messed up situation - and I totally understand how you feel.


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1043 | Registered: Nov 2009
HoldOnHope
New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, November 4th (Monday)

Thank you, Rachel, for posting this. I struggle with this. A lot. Every day... A LOT.

It was helpful to read everyone else's replies :)


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, November 4th (Monday)

In the early days after our first DDay I kept thinking WH would heal me and when he wouldn't (because we were in False R) I basically had to heal myself. I give myself 98% credit for it too

I realized today in a conversation I was having with WH where he was seeing the glass half empty and I refused to see it that way. I saw it as half full and I realized today that is how I see most things. I had to find my way back to myself and love myself. I am a survivor! We all are!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 4th (Monday)

Here is where I came to be, after feeling the same way and utterly resentful that *I* had to change and do work to get through this nightmare.

Regardless of what your wayward spouse may or may not deserve, don't you deserve to be the best version of yourself? Healing isn't for anyone other than you. Sure, maybe someone else gains some ancillary benefits from whatever personal growth in which you've been forced to partake. But you get to decide who that person is. You don't have to share your changes with anyone other than the one that actually deserves it. If your spouse doesn't deserve all that you've done? Then you have an answer to a different question.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Well summarized rachelc....kind of ties into biking guys response as well. Good to "hear" from you biking guy....been a while.

As I think about our marriage...specifically, as I spent time in IC...I was "forced" to ask myself tough questions. "Why was blakesteele willing to stay in a M that was unfulfilling?" "Why did blakesteele react so poorly (ie: no rage, overly compassionate to my wife) upon my DD?".

As I answer these questions my counselor warned it is tough work. You may find out you are not compatible to your mate. My wife may decide she doesn't like the way you change...who you become.

How do I balance this concern ? My wife is also changing and growing. I think this is a key to R....recognizing change on both sides is needed. If a BS is truly completely healthy then the inequality between them and their BS will forever be a blocker to R....just not sure how such a relationship can grow into a healthy M.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:08 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 18