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New Beginnings
User Topic: No butterflies...will they come?
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 4th (Monday)

I've been dating someone for the last month. He's kind. He's attractive. He's got great eyes. For the past week or so, we've been texting every day, just kind of the "checking in how was your day" kind of texts. I'm comfortable around him. I can be myself and don't have to be all chameleon like. I could list the traits I'm looking for in a partner and he seems to have the majority of them. We are getting to know each other slowly. Why isn't this enough for me??

He didn't kiss me well at first but our last time together he got better in the 15 minutes I got to teach him how "I" like to be kissed. He will probably keep improving, right? He's showing progress and an ability to learn--that is worth a good grade, right? lol

And there are no butterflies. I look forward to his texts, but I'm not "dying" to see him again. I'm used to CHEMISTRY (yes, in all CAPS ) with the men I want to see again. And some (Okay, most. Okay, all ) of the "omg such chemistry" guys have been one and done dates or the kind that I see the flaws in or they in me about a month's time and it ends. They have "issues" and are not ready to date or whatever... I can't really trust that omg feeling as being "the" feeling I should trust. It is wonderful but it isn't a good predictor of the kind of relationship I want.

I'm reading a book on brain chemistry and the synopsis is that feel good chemicals evolved to keep us safe and the feel good chemicals are a primitive brain way of making decisions. Reacting to things based on the way it "feels" doesn't take complexities into consideration. To change habits based on reacting differently to the feel good chemicals takes intention and 45 days of effort. I think I may kind of be addicted to the "bad boy" type of man because of early neural programming and those chemicals feel really good. The book says it takes 45 days to change the habit of responding to the brain chemicals...If I've been dating him for a month today, that will be in another two weeks and one day!

UGH. I should wait right? He is what I "want" except for the feelings of passion...and they may still develop...and if they don't in another few weeks or in the near future then I can let him go...gently and with compassion...I don't need to decide now, or do I?

Now I need to hear the stories that give me some hope. Tell me the stories of the happy endings that started slowly...tell me the "I'm so glad I waited" stories...help me retrain my brain!!

[This message edited by better4me at 2:11 PM, November 4th (Monday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3013 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, November 4th (Monday)

I have no stories yet - I'm still new - but I had the butterflies and "dying to hear from her" right from the start of my relationship with The Princess.

And that's because I had low self esteem, and was co-dependent (and a few million other issues). Maybe you're stronger now, and you know that you're just fine without him. Maybe the strongest relationships are the ones we know we can live without?

But like I said, I'm new.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1698 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Thelastknight
Member
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, November 4th (Monday)

You have walls up! Simple enough. When you are ready you will let someone in.


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 951 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, November 4th (Monday)

I know this is not a typical story, but . . .

My current SO and I went out and I didn't feel any chemistry beyond liking him as a friend. So I told him that we should be "just friends." He did just that - he didn't pout, he didn't try to pressure me. He just kind of hung around and we would see each other out & about and visit. No more dates, though.

Eighteen months later, he had just finished a short relationship and I was single again, so we decided to try a date again. I didn't feel pressured at all. Well, the feelings started to grow and now I love him and we are living together. He says he waited for me for a year and a half, but he did date others.

We are very happy. And we do have chemistry that grew from friendship.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7646 | Registered: Aug 2005
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Why isn't this enough for me??
I don't know. What are you really looking for? Do you want the quick fireworks and then its' over type of thing or do you want the slow burn that leads up to an everlasting and stronger flame?

My story parallels Newlease almost exactly. My new SO was a best friend for a year. I couldn't see myself dating him though and I friend-zoned him. He made it clear he wanted more but never pushed me.

We both dated others, but over time, (months and months because I am slow) I realized he was steady, stable, easy to talk with, caring, and always there for me. After the last few up and down roller coaster rides I've been on, I am finally ready for slow and stable.

We ended up kissing one night and it felt really good, and he has enough passion and is actually caring enough to want to make me happy, so intimacy with him is the best I've ever had (including the HUGE fireworks and chemistry I had with XSO). But I also have realized that what makes the intimacy so satisfying with him and better than with anyone else is because I have gotten to know him very well, have gotten attached to him, and I trust him. He treats me well. He makes me a priority. Foreplay with him started way way before we even started dating. He won me over with his friendship and consistency and his good heart.

ETA: I am remembering a bit more....I wasn't attracted to him in the beginning but I did start actually feeling an attraction after months of being his friend. I knew he was into me, so I felt safe...I knew whatever type of relationship I had with him would be on my terms (that is very appealing to me) and I started noticing the little things....the way he looked and smiled at me, the way his eyes crease when he is happy and smiles, the way he would help me out with stuff and not ask for anything in return. I also realized I had gone a bit deeper than just a friend when I couldn't make up my mind about a pair of shoes I wanted and out of all my girlfriends, he is the one I actually texted a picture to in order to see if he liked them.

It was actually that night, after I had bought the shoes, he invited me over to hang with him and his buddies, I was bored and had nothing to do, I needed to show off my new shoes, and so I went and that was when that kiss happened.....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 2:58 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15114 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Thank you for the input. It is very helpful.

T/Jing of CMeGo's post on the third date curse, I think part of me is wanting to know if this guy is "the one". And it is WAY to early to know that, I don't really believe in "one" anyway, and I want to enjoy the dating, getting to know someone process without having an "end game" in mind. The lesson often seems to be SLOW DOWN Better4Me! And that apparently is one of my walls!

I really don't want the quick fireworks and then it's over type of thing, NA! Even though that "feels" exciting and good, it isn't really exciting or good for me.

And the stories give me hope. Thank you!!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3013 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I agree, Better4me, dating should be different this time around. I do believe that the "lightening strike" is hormones talking and little else. If I have a basic physical attraction and no definite deal breakers...then let it unfold. People have lots of layers, good and bad. It takes time.

When younger, I think we didn't know better. We thought lightening meant good things. Now I think lightening means getting burned. Maybe the lightening comes later...I dunno. Still trying to figure this out myself.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I am in the same situation - 3 months into it.

Dating a slow, steady and reliable nice guy. Not the usual sarcastic knock my socks off type of guy. In fact, i almost cancelled my first date thinking it would just never work. Then i decided to give something different a chance. Sure, he isn't my usual, but how well did that work for me?

There are times i still have doubts, almost because he feels "too safe" if that makes sense. But he continues to treat me well and everyday, i become more and more smitten. I'm thinking he's a keeper.

I did the same searches you are doing now. I am convinced butterflies will come. I can feel him becoming more and more important to me.

We want more than just infatuation, right? We want something substantial. Give it some more time. You aren't in a race.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 8