SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Need Help !!!
silentlucidity
New Member
Member # 39769
Stop  Posted: 4:41 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I had an affair (PA) in March, this was the biggest mistake in my life.

Me and my BS have been discussing this over the past few months, ie what was I thinking Y did I do it etc .....

Every answer I give seems to be different from the last, I am then being accused of TT, I don't remember the full emotions/events that led upto it, all I can think is, I wanted the EA to pick me up, but then it spiralled out of control.

I don't mean to TT my BS, but how do I get the truth from within myself, Am I blocking things out ???

I am no writer, but I have put below the basics, if you need more info, let me know.

This is what happened, I went out for a night to the pub and was texting AP all night with general chit chat, she then stated she would come down and pick me up, at first I replied not to bother but she came anyway, I got in and she atrated driving around I asked her what she was doing and she said she was going to park up, at this point I was concerned what was going on but didn't see any harm in pulling up and talking.

We drove round for an hour in which time I said just to take me home but she still carried on driving and ended up where we started in a dark car park.

We talked about general things (nothing important that I remember) and smoking cigs. She then asked what I thought of her dress, as she said she doesn't normally where a dress, I said it looked ok, she then got in the car and stated she was wearing sexy knickers and would I like to see, before I said anything she had lifted her dress to show me, I glanced and thought (What the F*ck !) but then she asked if I wanted to touch, I was confused by what was going on, but I ended up reaching over and started to masturbate her(?), as soon as I touched her it felt wrong but I didn't stop, but I did shut down mentally, as far I am aware I did this because deep down I knew it was wrong, it didn't last long, but then she hinted towards the back seat, I said, "We cant!" she didn't seem to take the hint (NOT that it should have been a hint, it should have been a NO!!) she then moved something from the back seat I then made the comment "I don't have any condoms" and at this point I don't remember what was said, except we ended up getting out of the car and going round to the back seat, I was positioned in the foot well and she was angled on the car seat, again I don't remember all the details except I do remember only entering her a couple of times before I stopped it and pulled out and said "I cant", the feeling whilst in there was disgust at what I was doing but I had already crossed the line so many times, I got out of the car and back in the front seat. I asked her to take me home and she said she needed petrol first, she went to the gas station and got me to fill the car while she paid, it all seemed to take forever, she then took me home.

I am ashamed at what I have done, but why did I do it ?, did I want it because it was offered, I don't know ? It looks like it. It was never planned and I didn't want anything to do with her afterwards.

I need your help to understand myself for my BS sake, I cant lose her, I will do anything to try and keep, but if everything is lost because of my actions then so be it. Note to BS, I Love You and I am sorry.

Help SI

[This message edited by silentlucidity at 5:29 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]


WH (Me) 41
BS 36 (Olwen)
DS 9 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's

Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: England
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

SL, take some personal responsibility. Quit trying to shift blame onto the AP, and admit that you are 100% responsible for your actions. This reads as if written by a 13-year-old child, and I''m not referring to grammar but to tone. This woman wasn''t in a position of power and authority, she didn''t take advantage of you or force you into anything. You''re a grown man. "All of a sudden my hand was on her crotch, OMG, how did that happen?!? And then, oops, I was shagging her!" Honestly, mate, it was offered and you took it. You made a choice. It was deliberate.

Until you start owning that, yeah, your BW probably thinks you''re full of sh*t and rightfully so.

Let''s back up and see when this all started...because it didn''t start that night. Why were you texting this bird in the first place? How long had you known her, what was your relationship?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Until you start owning that, yeah, your BW probably thinks you're full of sh*t and rightfully so.

Exactly! When I read your post silentlucidity, I thought the same thing - Take some responsibility!

It seems that you and your AP had a bit of history before the pub night. So when she said she was coming to pick you up after you had been there drinking, what did you think was going to happen? The attraction was already there as you two worked together and had an EA already in full force.

Stop blaming the AP and look into the mirror. YOU made the choice to send the texts, to get into the car, to put your hand down into her knickers, to crawl into the backseat.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

was texting AP all night with general chit chat
Cause she totally forced you to press those buttons and text her back. Why were you texting her in the first place? How long had the communication been going on?

I replied not to bother but she came anyway, I got in
Did she hold a gun to your head and force you into the car?

We drove round for an hour in which time I said just to take me home but she still carried on driving
So, driving constantly? Never stopped or slowed the car at all, at which point you could have gotten out?

she had lifted her dress to show me, I glanced
She didn't force you. You "glanced" at your own free will.

she asked if I wanted to touch, I was confused by what was going on,
Are you a virgin? Are you married? Have you ever been with a woman before? Last I checked, when a woman coyly asks, "Wanna touch?" the man knows exactly what is going on and takes full advantage.

I ended up reaching over and started to masturbate her(?)
Again, did she hold a gun to your head? And why the (?) Masturbation is masturbation. You either did, or you didn't.

she didn't seem to take the hint
Well you'd already felt her up. Why should she believe that a weak little "we can't" really means "no"?

I do remember only entering her a couple of times
Ah, so you only cheated a tiiiiny little bit.

I need your help to understand myself for my BS sake, I cant lose her, I will do anything to try and keep,
Wrong answer. If you're only doing this for her, it isn't gonna fly. You have to do this for you. Because you realize how screwed up you really are, why you made the choices you made, how to change your process, and get healthy. You don't walk the straight and narrow just to make your wife happy. You do it because you need to be healthy, whether with or without your wife.

Basically, own up. You really did this. You need to take full responsibility. Your AP is not some mythical witch with magical super powers. She didn't wave a wand and make you act involuntarily. You did it of your own free will. Why? Well. Ask yourself why. When you get an answer, ask why again. Peel back the layers of why till you get to the heart of it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6150 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
GraceRunner
New Member
Member # 39856
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I hope you can find some answers here. I'm sorry for your pain.

You present yourself as very naïve and confused. You aren't doing yourself any favors with the dazed and dimwitted routine. This is not about finding the right answers to pacify your BS.

For your own sake I would encourage you to start facing the brutal truth and digging deep. It can be very scary and confusing to look at the ugly, broken, sinful parts of ourselves. It was for me. But there is freedom in the truth and once you realize that you can start rebuilding yourself and hopefully your marriage.

You asked how you get the truth from within yourself. What I did (with the help of counseling) was to first take away all thoughts of "right" and "wrong", "should" and "shouldn't". Just look at the facts. It might be painful to do so but it is so important to look at the bare facts - both during the A and where you are now. For example, she lifted her dress and you thought "what the F?" but what else did you think? I'm betting you had a few other thoughts, something along the lines of how it excited you. As another example, you do remember saying that you don't have any condoms but then don't remember what was said to move you both to the back seat. Why do you remember the "noble" part but not the ugly part that must have included something that allowed you to move to the back seat? The truth is in there. You are not wanting to face it or own it. And this is why the truth keeps changing every time you talk to your BS. You aren't telling yourself or her the whole truth. You're only telling the part of the truth that isn't so ugly.


Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I just want to say I agree with the other comments. ....it sounds like you are placing all the blame on the AP and trying to play the role of the victim.

Everyone of us WS's are ashamed of what we have done and would all like to take it back. Since that isn't a possibility, you need to figure out what is broken in YOU that made you text AP back and get in her car. You need to be honest with yourself and your BS and admit what you did, and then figure out why.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 807 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)

^^ Nailed it.

Everyone here did.

So, silentlucidity, do you *really* want help understanding this, or do you want to cling to your lame excuses and justifications? Your silence points to the latter.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
silentlucidity
New Member
Member # 39769
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Thankyou All,

I am sorry for not responding sooner, as I am working all day and studying at night for an exam on Friday, after which i will be on most of the time.

I accept all your comments and feedbacks, this is what I need. Me and my BW have been talking for the past couple of days and going over it all, in fact she sat me down and said "right its now or Never!!", so we did.

We went over everything, right from the start to the end of it.

In brief; The EA was a 3 week period, then it turned PA, then 3 weeks of me being pathetic/weak to stop it.

I wanted the attention and the Ego boost, it made me feel wanted, everything that happened, yes I made the choices, every situation was a different one. The kissing; she looked like she wanted to be kissed, so I kissed her, the first was a peck and there was no reaction, so I kissed her again to find out what was going on, why look like u wanted to be kissed then dont react, there was no connection/emotion/feeling at all, it felt like kissing a seal, but I made the move. After, it was never mentioned.

In the pub and being picked up, I did think I was getting a lift home as she was only 5 mins away, plus in my tiny brain, I thought we had gone back to an EA, it then dawned on me that something was going to happen when she was driving around for a while, I wasnt sure what, but something.

When we parked up, we talked, then she started taking it further, by lifting her skirt, yes I should have got out, but I panicked and felt trapped, When she asked me to touch I was taken back (what the f*ck !!) I then had the thoughts that I had screwed my marriage up by what I had done already, I suppose to give me justification/reasons for what I was about to do. I didnt pursue this or actually want it, but when it was offered the temptation/curiosity took over and I reached over,

As soon as I touched her it felt nasty both emotional and physically, but I couldnt stop it, but I did end it as quick as I could, to save face probably. I had shut down as soon as it started, but she started moaning(sounded fake), this really was annoying me, I just wanted her to shut up, probably because it was reminding me who it was I was with, the car was parked in a dark place.

When she looked over to the back seat, words were exchanged, but I cant remember what, but looking at it, the thoughts again were, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, as I had already destroyed my family. Again the thought was there to do it, but when it actually came down to it, it was disgusting, I had to arouse myself before getting into the back seat and then when we started I stopped it quickly, I couldnt do it, I guess my conscience had finally caught up with me.

In all the situations there was no excitement, all the actions were out of curiosity/temptation and also not being able to say NO, I didnt find her physically attractive, but when it was on offer I took it.

I am a pathetic/weak person for not being able to say no.

I had never thought my playing games in an EA would have ended up like this (yes Naive).

Sorry if it is garbled, but rushing whilst at work, again I am sorry for not replying sooner.

[This message edited by silentlucidity at 10:02 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]


WH (Me) 41
BS 36 (Olwen)
DS 9 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's

Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: England
JKL Vikings
Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Hi silent lucidity. Love the username. It's one of my favorite songs of all time.
Back to the matter at hand. You get to blame your AP in these 2 situations:
A. You were forced at gun-point or some other weapon.
B. She slipped something in your drink.
Also, the wife is not to be blamed either. Maybe she's a saint. Maybe she's a bitch on wheels .I mean no disrespect to your wife here. Just trying to get the point across that there's no justifying what you (and I also) did.
Also, listen to Aubrie. She's wise beyond her years. Here's why you have to get to the why. If you DON'T get to the whys, you're at an increased risk to cheat again. Lastly (for now, because you have a LONG ay to go)you need to understand that you're not to see AP socially anymore. If you have to work with her, keep conversation to business only. You are NEVER alone with her. EVER.
Holler or PM any time. You'll get called on your s---, but you'll get support too. You have a basic idea of what you need to do. Are you up for the fight?


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 41
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 515 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

I'm not expecting answers. I'm just going to pick your post apart a little.

I wanted the attention and the Ego boost, it made me feel wanted,
Why? To each phrase. Why? Why attention? Why ego boost? Why wanted? Didn't your wife make you feel wanted? Where was she in the equation? Had you pushed her away? Blocked her out? Why did you not feel all those things with your own spouse?

she looked like she wanted to be kissed, so I kissed her
Are you the Official People Kisser? I've seen many people on the street that looked like they could use a good kiss. Doesn't make it my job. Why did you feel you had to kiss her? Why were her feelings/emotions/wants your responsibility?

there was no reaction, so I kissed her again to find out what was going on
Why did you need to know what was "going on"? Why did it matter?

there was no connection/emotion/feeling at all,
Then why continue? Why go back for more?

In the pub and being picked up, I did think I was getting a lift home
Why didn't you call your wife? Or a cab? Why the AP? And if you're only 5 minutes from the house, why didn't you just walk?

it then dawned on me that something was going to happen when she was driving around for a while, I wasnt sure what, but something.
Oh come on man! At this point there are only 2 options. 1. She's going to f*ck you. or 2. She's going to murder you and dump your body.

yes I should have got out, but I panicked and felt trapped,
Why? You're an adult that can make your own choices. Why did you feel you had to stay? Knowing full well what was going on. You stayed. Why?

I didnt pursue this or actually want it, but when it was offered the temptation/curiosity took over and I reached over
Nope. You did pursue it. From the first line-crossing text with her, to meeting up, to kissing, to having her drive you around, to touching. Each step was a pathway of pursuit.

but I couldnt stop it
Yes you could. But you didn't. So why?

I had shut down as soon as it started
What do you mean by "shut down"? Did you not know who you are, what you were doing, where you were? What exactly shut down?

I just wanted her to shut up, probably because it was reminding me who it was I was with, the car was parked in a dark place.
See this right here makes me think you didn't shut down. You knew who she was, what you were doing, where you were.

might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, as I had already destroyed my family.
So...since you already kissed and felt her up, may as well bang her and give your wife the complete buffet of betrayal. Is that what you thought?

Again the thought was there to do it, but when it actually came down to it, it was disgusting
Then why this "pressure" to follow thru?

In all the situations there was no excitement, all the actions were out of curiosity/temptation and also not being able to say NO, I didnt find her physically attractive, but when it was on offer I took it.
So if someone hands you a glass of battery acid to drink, are you going to down it? I mean after all, it's not good for you, you know it, but hey may as well please the person offering it right?

How does one have curiosity and temptation without zero excitement?

And you can't say "no" because you have zero boundaries. None. I suggest you find some.

I had never thought my playing games in an EA would have ended up like this
I had 4 EAs. Let me tell you something. Each A got progressively worse. The first one was "just" an EA. Second one, more dangerous. Third? Major danger. Fourth one? Webcamming, sending nudies, withdrawing sex from my husband, and planning a meet up with AP4. It was, in a technical sense, a PA.

Not always, but alot of times, the EA will eventually lead to a PA.

Again, you don't owe us answers. You owe those to your wife and to yourself. Just over here trying to make you think a little bit.

Have you read the Healing Library? Are you in IC? Are you reading any books? What's up on that front?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6150 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Random thoughts
Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

I can always tell when a wayward is just blowing smoke to appease his or her spouse or just want to sweep it under the rug and get on with life without working on themselves.

Your post would have us believing that she "raped " you and you just wanted to get it over and done with.

You joined a day after your wife 7/7/2013, yet you have posted only five times, where as your wife has posted 189 times trying to save your marriage.

What have you been doing for the last 4 months that were so much more important than trying to save your marriage?


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

When I joined SI, I was as foggy and delusional as they come. Everyone who posts in Wayward is living proof that one can recover from this. When/if you''re ready to be accountable for your actions, OP, we''ll be here.

You were right about one thing, your M is over. If you work hard, and if you''re very lucky, maybe your BW will join you in a new M.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
silentlucidity
New Member
Member # 39769
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Yes All, I understand what you are saying.

You are saying because I havent spent the time on here that I have not been trying to work things out, posting on a forum doesnt work things out, it helps to see where I have gone wrong, but the priority is my wife.

Yes my wife has been on here and posted 190 times, does that mean she is more trying to sort the marriage out than me ????, please, I understand, I need the help. I dont normally do forums, but I want to try and give this a go, I need the help.

Aubrie, thankyou for your insight, I have taken your comments to heart and I am looking deep into them, I dont want to lose my BW.

Your 1st Comment, Why did I need the Attention/Ego Boost - I didnt, but thought I did.
My BW has suffered Depression since I met her (18yrs ago), when our DS was born (2004) it came to ahead, 3 yrs after, she tried to OD, we were living seperate lives, my BW lives in the kitchen and I in the front room (this is her safe haven). This is how it has been for yrs, there was very little intamacy/affection to each other and then in Sept 2012 she was rediagnosed Bipolar/anxiety/sociaphobia> Before Mar 2012 (this is when she lost her job) we went out, not much, but we did as a family, then for the past 2 yrs we haven't. I had lost that connection with my wife, yes I am to blame as well, after a while I stopped trying, I had become withdrawn, arrogant, snappy and had pulled away. In Aug 2012 there was a Hypo Mania period, where we were intimate every night for 3 weeks, but this wasnt my wife, this was the illness and it came crashing down, deep depression with suicidal thoughts (before this we had been intimate 3 times in 5 yrs, not an excuse)

My BW has posted on the 'General' site and handed me a Trial Seperation Contract, on the site she said I threw this to one side, I didnt, but How did she think I was going to feel about it ?

I love her and this is the last thing I want.

Aubrie, I will reply to the other comments, but I am at work at the moment. once again, thankyou

[This message edited by silentlucidity at 8:55 AM, November 11th (Monday)]


WH (Me) 41
BS 36 (Olwen)
DS 9 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's

Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: England
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, November 11th (Monday)

yes I am to blame as well

This sums you up perfectly. You''re denying that you''re 100% to blame for your A. It was the aggressive OW, your BW''s depression, her diagnoses (btw I hope you got her permission to divulge that), the infrequent sex.

Quit looking for outside forces to blame, and find a mirror.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
silentlucidity
New Member
Member # 39769
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 11th (Monday)

20Wrongs,

I am 100% wrong/at fault/to blame for the A.

But why have you highlighted "yes I am to blame as well", this paragraph was in relation to me and my BS not getting on way before anything happened.

For me to ask the 'Y' question, I need to look back before the A and find out Y I would do something like this. Do I not ????

[This message edited by silentlucidity at 8:30 AM, November 11th (Monday)]


WH (Me) 41
BS 36 (Olwen)
DS 9 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's

Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: England
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Yes, I was aware of what you were referring to. I quoted that, because the state of your M had zero, zilch, nada to do with your cheating. olwen was in the same M, and she didn''t cheat. Everyone goes through a rocky patch in their M, but only we damaged folk decide to cope by shagging an AP. Citing the state of your M as the "why," and saying "I am also to blame," implies that olwen was "also to blame" for the state of your M, and by extension your A. And no. She wasn''t. Not even a little.

Yes, absolutely you need to look back on why you did it. But olwen''s depression, mental health diagnoses, how you were getting on...none of that qualifies as a "why." Aubrie suggested examine why you needed the attention/ego boost. Taking a hard look at that is how you get to "why." Dismissing it and presenting a laundry list of your BW''s struggles and your M problems...not so much.

I am 100% wrong/at fault/to blame for the A.

This is a great first step, good on you for that.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
silentlucidity
New Member
Member # 39769
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 11th (Monday)

20Wrongs

I was lazy, snappy, arrogant, defensive & thought I was always right(Not now), the defensive I am still abit, because when asked specific questions about the A, I have it in my mindset that this is how it was, not that I am hiding anything, but if I believe these things to be true, then I will defend it, 'this needs working on'. My BS says I dont love her, but I do and I will defend that comment til the cows come home, but then I am being aggresive, of course I am, but I understand it from my BS, how can she believe that after what I have done. I still need guidance on all this.

My BS was coping with her illness and I left her to deal with this on her own, I buried my head in the sand and left her to it, not that I didnt want to help but becasue I didnt know how to and also she seemed to manage better on her own (or thats what I thought) I am a sh*t, as my BS says, I am lower than a snakes belly, I do not disagree, constructive comments are beneficial to me, for me to see where I went wrong.

In the 18 yrs I have been with my BS, I have been supportive, and tried to be there for her but I hate looking back at myself over this time period as it shows what lack of emotional support I actually gave, I failed as a H on our wedding day, when our DS was born & when it was offered.

I was looking for an escape from reality, not that there was anything to escape from but thats what I told myself as this is what I have done everytime things get on top of me, I run.

[This message edited by silentlucidity at 9:55 AM, November 11th (Monday)]


WH (Me) 41
BS 36 (Olwen)
DS 9 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's

Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: England
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, November 11th (Monday)

My BS says I dont love her, but I do and I will defend that comment til the cows come home,
Doesn't mean your brand of love is healthy. Abusers love their victims. And them beat them up and throw them on the floor. Addicts love cocaine. Gamblers love casinos. Alcoholics love drinking. Doesn't mean that that love is a good or healthy kind of love. It's terribly broken and demented. Fix your love. Learn what is good. Learn what is healthy.

My BS was coping with her illness and I left her to deal with this on her own, I buried my head in the sand and left her to it, not that I didnt want to help but becasue I didnt know how to and also she seemed to manage better on her own

This^^^^^ does not jive with this:

In the 18 yrs I have been with my BS, I have been supportive, and tried to be there for her

So were you burying your head in the sand or being supportive? You can't have it both ways.

My suggestion is to SLOW DOWN. You're just all over the place with excuses, "logic", and reasons. Slowwwwww dowwwwwnnnn. Because you're shooting yourself in the foot here and getting nowhere fast. Stop and think about what you say before you say it. I mean, really think about it.

As far as your handful of posts as opposed to your wife's couple hundred? Here's my beef with that. I'm assuming you signed up because your wife was desperate for a fix. She found SI and thought it would be beneficial for YOU, to get YOUR crap fixed, so you two could work together to save the marriage. She hoped you would work with the other WS here and dig into your soul.

So assuming that is the case, really...what have you got to loose? To get on a forum, with the wealth of information here, read, comment, and learn. Read other wayward threads, think about what they're saying, and admit, "OMG, I totally think that way too!" Even if you don't post here, did you talk to your wife about So-and-So's thread on Tuesday about *insert subject*? Did you utilize the site to start conversations about your why's and thought processes?

I see so many waywards sign up because their BS "made them", they post a couple times, keep spinning their wheels, and cross their fingers that in a couple months, their BS "gets over" the betrayal and life can go on. Instead, the WS comes back several months later, completely pissed off and full of excuses and they're posting in a "desperate attempt" to keep themselves married. Problem with that is, it's still reactive behavior. It's not proactive. And there's a huge difference between the two.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6150 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Even if you don't post here, did you talk to your wife about So-and-So's thread on Tuesday about *insert subject*? Did you utilize the site to start conversations about your why's and thought processes?

Totally agree.

Use this site as it best suits you. read posts and offer comments where you can - you don't have to always start topics. I read SI just about every day yet only comment occasionally. You can still gain so much by reading.

Highly suggest you look through old posts here on the WW forum because there are bound to be threads that can benefit you. Also suggest reading the JFO forum. Will really help open your eyes to the destruction an A causes...

Keep posting

[This message edited by SandAway at 4:50 PM, November 11th (Monday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
silentlucidity
New Member
Member # 39769
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Thankyou all for constructive comments, better than my destructive ones.

I am reading through various posts, I have been in talks with certain members.

My words never seem to come out right, and I usually rush them, but once I have put the words down I then post and leave, then when I get back, I have realised that what I have put was not meant to be takne that way.

I am starting a timeline and trying to figure out Y did certain things and what was going on in my head at that time, also, how would my BS have felt had it been the other way round

Again, thanks for listening, will b back soon


WH (Me) 41
BS 36 (Olwen)
DS 9 1/2
Married : 14 Yrs
Together : 19 Yrs
A lot of TT's

Our choices are our own, Nobody made us do it.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: England
Topic Posts: 20