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User Topic: Double Betrayal
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Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 8th (Friday)

I can vouch that this has been the worst thing that can happen in a marriage, the Double Betrayal.

..@ topsy..

I couldn't agree more..

fWW and I are 4.5 years out from D-day #3 and sadly, i continue to struggle with so many elements of the near 20 years of betrayal and 40 years of lies that have tainted every aspect and stage of our marriage and courtship ...from the time we were bf/gf..

..i regret not leaving after d-day#2, but i didn't have the truth back then and we had 2 young children..so i stayed..

..now, 46 years later, it is simply too late to start over. I tell myself to make the best of a very bad situation and keep trying to push back all the horror that has been my real life.

..the anguish and heartbreak simply will not pass,.. no peace of mind, no restful nights sleep, continuing triggers and mind movies..

..just so much damage and destruction to put out of my mind..

..the only satisfaction i am left with is that the OM, best friend so i was led to believe, since BoyScouts/H.S...25 years ..died from a brain tumor at 57, i hope brought on from his living with guilt and shame for all those years of betraying me and his 2 wives..

..may he NOT rest in peace.. since i don't seem to have any either!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:05 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 68
Her 64
Married 43 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!


Posts: 4461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 8th (Friday)

...it is simply too late to start over.

It's never too late, smy.

Your post makes me sad. I pray that you will find a way to bring joy and hope back into your life. You sound so forlorn.

(((smy)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7970 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Wow ((smy))

Your name is so fitting for you, but it doesn't have to be the rest of your years..

TopsyTurve: Did it mean anything to you to receive that apology after two years? So many times posters here will say "if only she had/or will apologize"..

OW/xBFF apologized to me over the first couple of weeks and months following dday. Sometimes in the same conversation that she was telling me she wished it had worked out different and he had kept his promises (Oh, you know, those promises he was leaving me and she was his soulmate).

She was a different breed for sure.

The best thing OW/xBFF can do for me is continue to be silent. I actually feel a shred of thankfulness towards her for this. She is by far the last person on the planet I want to hear from, and I certainly do not want an apology. It changes nothing that has happened in my life with fWH. Anyway, I usually tell people on here that apologies do not help, as it did nothing for me.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

One of the hardest parts of the double betrayal for me was that the former-best-friend and myself were so alike on so many levels, that I understood the pain and fear that drove him away from his wife. I empathized with the bastard, and I even felt a little sorry for him, all while I was hating him.


Me - BH 40
Her - FWW 37
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

I think a double betrayal is the worst possible thing. Two people that you love and trust come together to screw you over. I don't want an apology from her. She's doing what she should by staying the hell out of my life.. No apology will ever be enough....It would be as fake as her anyway

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, November 18th (Monday)

It's like a double bomb!

I too felt sorry for my XBFF. He screwed up big time. I know him pretty well and I know what he was thinking and battling in his mind. Felt sorry, and hated him at the same time cause he SHOULD know better. He made the WRONG choice. He fucked over his wife and his best friend, plus took advantage of the situation with my wife. If I feel like crap, he must be in a world of shit.

Should have not cheated on his wife. Should have respected his BFF and should have seen that my wife was broken and this was not right and told her instead act upon it all.

Sometimes I hate him,....sometimes I miss his friendship.


BS - Me 46 WS - Her 44 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: Separated possible divorce.

Posts: 1702 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 28th (Thursday)

I just cannot stop being sick over this. She was my best friend for 6 years. We had a falling out although she didn't know the real reason for it. I couldn't stand the way she clung to my husband. I. Knew hr marriage wasn't great but we hung out as couples a lot. After the falling out I hoped to be rid of her. But my husband runs the youth sports organization and she and I were on the board with him. I resigned to avoid being around her and those two struck up a friendship thrum text and calls. I begged him to end it. He said he did and he only would talk to her for sports business and at practices Bc our sons are also best friends and play on the team he coaches for which she is the team mom. This was in Dec. He has been distant and cold and they were just caught using a texting app to communicate. He admitted the sec started a few
months ago. He says he is in love. I am devastated and do not know how to survive this. Her husband is also devastated even though I know they had wayyy more
problems he didn't deserve this either. I just cant help hoping this blows up in their faces and is just infatuation and not love. Her husband filed for divorce. I cannot as I am a still going to school and we have a mountain of debt. I am going to see a lawyer anyway. Things have not. been good for us for 15 months....since my falling out with
her. I told him long ago (he had been sleeping on the couch for a year...voluntarily) that if things didn't improve with us (I tried so hard) that after I finished school and could support my kids we could divorce. I never thought it would happen or that my husband would cheat with her. Ever. I don't know how to do this. He has no remorse. They have ruined 2 families with their selfishness. I don't even recognize the person he has become. I want him to suffer as I am. I want guilt to eat him alive. I want their relationship to fail. I want him to see what he lost. 14 years of marriage. 2 beautiful boys 10 and 13. I feel like I am dying.


Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Sometimes I hate him,....sometimes I miss his friendship.

Only in rare dreams do I miss his friendship. I hate him like I've never hated another human being ever before. I still work with him too, and it's hellish being in the same building, and sitting 100 feet away. I avoid him at all costs, but I'm always on high alert and in an anxious state when at work.

If he ever even spoke to me, much less tried to "apologize", I can't even predict my actions, but it wouldn't be pretty.


Me: BH, 44
Her: FWW, 43 (ThornyRose)
M: 17 years, together 20
2 Daughters: 15 and 13
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 747 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I think the worst thing about a double betrayal is the inside information this person has into your life -- and how preyed upon you feel when you realize that all the confidences were used, either consciously or not, to work their way in.

Strangely, I don't see my husband as doing that because his AP was not as open as we were, but he and I both shared confidences and things with her and her H that I know 100% were used to play on his emotions at a weak moment in his life and our relationship. And, apparently, she had had a crush on him for years, and was able to pull out dozens of things he had done over the years that she had loved.

But the actual worst thing, is she knew how much I loved my H, that my H loved me, and that he did not plan on leaving me. So then it was all about this terrible thing they were doing, but they couldn't really be bad could they, because they felt SO BAD about it. Ugh. Regular f---ing Good Samaratins.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

You guys will understand where I am coming from on this:

Former friend and my XWH think that now I should "get over it", and talk to them about the kids or whatever....

For that reason I only email my XWH about kids. THat's it.

They are delusional!

He brought her in his truck to drop off something for the kids. I have gotten the paperwork to file
a no tresspass order on my property. It also says she is to have no contact with me,, great,, I guess she will have to quit coming into my store and "browsing" when I am working.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2776 | Registered: Jan 2012
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I am just so confused on how this happened. OW and her BH had a bad marriage, we knew this bc we had been friends for 6 years. All they did was fight, in front of everyone. I know she was unhappy. My WH and I didn't have a marriage like that. Either way, our DS 13 is best friends with their son. The selfish actions of 2 people ruined 2 families, and when our kids find out their friendship will be over. I am disgusted by my WH and so so so hurt. It doesn't help my self esteem that instead of trading up and going younger and hot, he went OLDER (2 years older than him) and uglier. Plus she's a chain smoker and heavy drinker. He has asthma so I do get a little giddy when I think of him having an asthma attack around her and her trying to talk him down in her gravelly smokers voice (I apologize if any of you are smokers). I am just so betrayed I cannot think straight. It doesnt help that of all the people that know, NO ONE gets it. They are all in disbelief. There is something broken in him and I have to remind myself I am strong and this is not a reflection on me.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Sadly, I am a member of this club as well, although I actually had a Triple Betrayal - my WH, OW, and OW's husband. OW and her husband were my very close friends of five years. It's a long and complicated story that I posted about in JFO a few months ago - I reposted at the bottom of this post if anyone is interested in the sordid details.

Anyway, it's been 6 months now, and I am still pretty much a wreck. This has been the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. I was devastated not only by my WH's betrayal, but by my friends and their reaction after the affair was disclosed.

Right now I cannot imagine ever having another female friend. I was thinking about it the other day, and I don't believe I have ever had a female friend (past the age of 14 or so) who did not at some point stab me in the back over a man (in one way or another). Only one of them ever even apologized to me after doing so. That is a sad, sad record in life.

In general, the thought of trusting people again makes me feel sick and scared. I honestly do not believe that I will ever have close friends again in my lifetime. I don't think I can do it anymore. I look at my coworkers and people on the street and the only thing I can think about is wondering what they might be doing behind the scenes to wreck me or injure me in some way.

My social life was also destroyed because my WH's APs were friends with all our other friends. We did end up moving, and I like our new town, but I am still homesick for our old town and feel so angry and sad that these sick people and their sick lifestyle and behaviors were what prompted the life change. These are just some of the many ways in which my WH's actions have negatively affected my life.

I am only 39, and I feel pretty much permanently friendless and alone. I feel like nobody I loved or trusted ever really cared that much about me or how I felt - they were just using me to get something they wanted, one way or another. In this particular case it was access to my husband.


I have read some terrible stories on SI, but many of the worst ones seem to me to be the double betrayals. It's like it just completely ruins the BS's ability to form and maintain healthy and trusting relationships with *anybody* going forward in life, not just romantic relationships with a partner. I wish my husband would have just gone with some random co-worker to get his ego kibble, or a prostitute or something. That way I still would have been able to keep some faith in other people too.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say. Just wanted to check in on this thread as yet another member of the club nobody ever wanted to belong to in life. I am sorry that we are all here.

____________________________

MY STORY, PREVIOUSLY POSTED IN JFO...

Six months ago, my husband stayed out all night and got drunk with another couple we have known for 5 years.

These individuals were some of our closest friends, and they were an intimate part of our social circle. We saw them nearly every week, and even took vacations with them. The wife of the couple was one of my closest girlfriends. They are polyamorous, but knew we were 100% monogamous because we had discussed it with them on multiple occasions. I didn't care what they did in their bedroom, I respected their relationship, and assumed they respected mine, as our conversations about the topic were very civil and reasonable. I never expressed any desire to move to polyamoury with them or anyone else, nor did my husband ever express such a thing to me privately or during a conversation with them.

Anyway, WH came home from this "night out" late the next morning and immediately confessed to me that he had a significant physical encounter with the wife (AP) - no sex, but many other very intimate things happened that were definitely not within the agreed-upon boundaries of our monogamous, 8.5 year marriage.

APH (affair partner's husband) was present while this happened, and explicitly encouraged the physical encounter while it was happening with verbal commentary and encouragement.

When APH found out that I was unhappy about what had happened, his only comment to WH was "Didn't she know you were attracted to AP?" - as though the mere fact of WH's attraction to AP was some kind of reasonable justification for disregarding boundaries, and as though my unhappiness about the situation was some kind of unreasonable reaction.

Four days after all of this, I found out that WH and AP had been having an emotional affair as well, which started during a mutual vacation we took in April. They had been planning for three months to start having sex with one another, and were going to "tell me after I finished my dissertation".

(To add one more layer of crap to this whole thing, I am a late stage Ph.D. student, and DDay was 2 weeks before my final oral defense. I have spent 5 years working on this degree, many 14 hour days, and July was one of the most stressful times of my entire life to date - BEFORE the affair!)

I found out about the EA by reading email correspondence between the three of them, and WH continued to lie to me about it until he was confronted with the evidence.

I had no clue about any of this. Nothing was ever discussed with me, WH and I had never made any serious moves towards any kind of open marriage arrangements regarding AP, APH, or anyone else, and I had no idea at all that he had any feelings for AP beyond some mild flirtation.

After the revelation about the emotional affair, I asked WH to go no-contact with them so we could work on our marriage and so I could finish my dissertation. He agreed immediately and with little reluctance, but we were both too naive to know how to do it correctly. So he went over there in person, and idiotically cried on their shoulder about how sad he was to be losing their friendship, blah blah. They interpreted this action as "TheGarden is a horrible irrational harpy who is forcing her kind, sweet husband to give up his loving friend and his new polyamourous girlfriend, who was only trying to help him see the miracle of non-monogamy."

The day after we went NC, APH sent me a extremely hurtful email, in which he told me that I needed to manage my "irrational hang-ups", and scolded me about destroying WH' life, spoiling all their fun, and hurting their (AP's & APH's) feelings. He also blamed me for some other unrelated social problems WH has recently had.

There was no apology or explanation made for anything they might have done to contribute to this situation, nor was there any empathy shown for me in terms of what I might be feeling 5 days after learning about this, or about the fact that this could seriously impact my ability to finish my Ph.D.

That email was absolutely devastating for me. I felt like my heart broke into 10 million pieces, because I had not only been betrayed by my husband, but by two of my closest friends. WH and I had the worst fight in our entire 13 years following the receipt of that email, and during the heat of the conflict he physically assaulted me (he has rarely ever even raised his voice to me at any point before in 13 years of our relationship, has never before even called me a name or anything - talk about being in an affair fog!)

At that point, 1.5 weeks before my oral defense, it was pretty clear that I was not going to be able to defend my dissertation, and I went in the next day and told my advisor and committee that I was having some serious marital problems and had to cancel my defense date. It was one of the more humiliating moments of my life, and I am still feeling ashamed about it.

Since that time, I have been unable to work on my dissertation, and I am now starting to seriously doubt my ability to finish at all. I do not have a job, health insurance, or funding for the fall semester, and had to put my fall tuition on a credit card.

Also since that time, I have also discovered that WH was lying about a number of other things, including exactly how far they went physically on the night in question, that there was another physical encounter as far back as last August, that he had discussed a possible relationship between them as far back as last August, and that she had sent him BSDM/polyamorous-related pornography via email a week prior to our mutual April vacation.

One of the most awful aspects of this situation is that WH and I had had a number of conversations over the years about how we both believed that fidelity was important, and about how dishonesty after fidelity was the most destructive element of an affair. We had both explicitly promised one another to tell the truth immediately if either one of us ever made a "mistake" with another person. So the first time this ever happens, what does he do? TT and blatantly lie to my face for a month.

I am absolutely devastated by the secrecy and the lies, and the utter disregard for my marriage and my personal well-being that all three individuals involved in this situation have demonstrated over the past year.

I feel like a little discarded piece of trash that three people I cared for kicked to the side of the road in their zeal to get to some teenage petting and grinding on a couch.

To his credit, WH came out of the affair fog within a week or so and has been incredibly remorseful about everything since then (including about the physical assault, even crying and demanding that I call the police on him). He crafted and sent another, improved NC letter to AP after a month, in which he explained that he was just cheating with her, that the email APH sent was disgusting and cruel, and that the friendship between us all was irrevocably broken due to their mutual actions (WH, AP, & APH).

He also read a lot of stuff about polyamoury, because I told him I didn't want to be in a marriage under false pretenses - if he wanted an open marriage he needed to figure that out and tell me instead of just making decisions for both of us without my consent. He now says he is not interested in that lifestyle at all, it was just cheating and the usual sort of affair fog crap that WSs engage in with APs.


He has also been reading and posting on SI, and we have had a lot of discussions about why he made some of these terrible choices. He's done a lot of introspection, and discovered a few things about himself in the last few months. I am 95% sure that the TT has ended (my gut says it has), but of course now I can't be sure about anything in my life anymore.

Nevertheless, I am not that hopeful about anything. I kind of feel like our entire marriage was a lie. I don't know how to trust him anymore, because he was someone I viewed as being very honorable and kind prior to this incident. I would have bet any amount of money prior to the morning he came home after getting drunk with AP that he would NEVER have been the husband to cheat on me and abuse my love and trust for him in order to get away with lying about his infidelity. I feel like my loving, decent husband was replaced by an alien being or something. And now I really don't know for sure who he is. He acts like a good person now, and says all the right things, but he did that before the affair. I don't want to get divorced, but I sometimes have such negative emotions about him and what he did that I just can't imagine being in a marriage with someone I feel that way about.

I have told him I need to finish my Ph.D. before I can make any final decisions about the marriage. I am no longer lying in bed depressed all day long, and am able to do basic life tasks, but am still having trouble working on my research.

We have also decided that if we stay together we are moving away from our town. I totally outed WH and his APs to our entire social circle (100s of people!), which actually was very emotionally freeing. I didn't want to carry shame and secrets by myself, or pretend like nothing was wrong between the four of us. And I got a lot of needed social support in return (and some shocking infidelity-related confessions from a few friends I thought had happy marriages). But nevertheless neither WH or I want to ever run into AP or APH again, and that will be hard in our town without dumping all of our other friends. So we are just going to get a new start, which is something we were thinking about pre-A anyway.

I have a lot of nightmares, many of which involve physical violence against the AP, which is interesting because of the three of them, I feel most angry with the APH - AP and WH were "under the influence" of alcohol and affair fog/dopamine, but he had no excuse whatsoever for encouraging a good friend to destroy his marriage and for being so cruel to me after the fact (to me it's kind of like the difference between manslaughter and murder).

I also have no idea how to ever trust a friend again. It kind of seems like I've been burned by every female friend I've ever had in one way or another. But then again, I guess male friends aren't always trustworthy either. It just makes me incredibly sad. I was never the "jealous" type, always watching my husband if he was talking to a woman. When we go out now, I look at all the people around me and I just wonder which of them is really a terrible, selfish person waiting to hurt someone else who trusts them, or who might be pretending to love or care for someone just so they can gain access to their spouse. Not sure how to make or be open with friends again when I feel that way.

I am also really, really struggling with the polyamoury thing - it's a huge trigger for me now, and it seems like every other article on the internet these days is titled "Polyamoury: The Relationship Model of the Future!", and they're all about these fabulously happy people who are super-enlightened and have wonderful, loving, sexy-times relationships with their wife and 3 girlfriends and 2 other dating partners and their unicorn bisexual live-in maid and anyone who can't live that lifestyle is fundamentally psychologically broken and immature (basically the same kind of stuff APH sent me in his tramautizing email). And all about how poly people are more HONEST than monogamous people, and COMMUNICATE BETTER than monogamous people, blah blah blah. Really??? Where was MY honest communication when you were plotting with WH for months, sending him kinky BSDM poly porn, letting him drunkenly grope your genitals on your couch while his loving wife (your trusting friend, who wholly respected your marriage while you were undermining hers) was at home worrying about her dissertation defense and how to find a job that wouldn't destroy his career? How is that superior to my "unenlightened" monogamy, you lying, betraying bitch?

Sigh.

It just all sucks. This is the worst moment of my life so far, bar none.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
mrcpu
Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

WOW I can't believe just how much this thread hits home for me.

2married2quit said

I too felt sorry for my XBFF. He screwed up big time. I know him pretty well and I know what he was thinking and battling in his mind. Felt sorry, and hated him at the same time cause he SHOULD know better. He made the WRONG choice. He fucked over his wife and his best friend, plus took advantage of the situation with my wife. If I feel like crap, he must be in a world of shit.

Should have not cheated on his wife. Should have respected his BFF and should have seen that my wife was broken and this was not right and told her instead act upon it all.

Sometimes I hate him,....sometimes I miss his friendship.

I feel very similar. He and I were BFFs for over 30 years. He was going through a divorce and took advantage of my wife's caring personality to get close to her and hit on her. I have over 400 email messages and texts between them and I can see the point, back in July 2012 when he suddenly "Saw her" and started having feelings for her. At that moment, if he were the person I thought I knew growing up, he would have removed himself from our lives for a while but instead he started coming on to her and she fell for his trap of "suicidal thoughts and loneliness".

Half the great stories of my life have involved him. I have even found myself telling the same stories but with "this guy I used to know" instead of "my friend and I". It's really horrible because even my parents and family will ask how he's doing these days. They don't know any of the story and I don't want them to because I don't want them to hate my wife.

The worst part is that we live in a small town and I see him from time to time, especially if I want to go out for a beer. A couple weeks back my wife and I ended up in the same bar as him. I ignored him and pretended he didn't exist. In fact, I've gotten really good at looking right through him like he isn't even there. On the way out he patted me on the shoulder as he walked buy. I know it's his way of saying "hello, and goodbye and I'm sorry" as he has at least had the balls to apologize both in person and in writing and so far as I know he has stayed away from my wife since then.

Sometimes I miss him more than anything though.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012 - Confirmed WW was having an affair with my xBFF
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014 - Caught WW working on a hookup online with local real estate agent.
D-Day 3: 18 Dec 2014 - Caught WW Breaking NC with my xBFF for past 2 months via text.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, December 9th (Monday)

In general, the thought of trusting people again makes me feel sick and scared. I honestly do not believe that I will ever have close friends again in my lifetime. I don't think I can do it anymore. I look at my coworkers and people on the street and the only thing I can think about is wondering what they might be doing behind the scenes to wreck me or injure me in some way.

TheGarden... I relate to this as well. I'm a very introverted, closed-off person to begin with, and have/had so few friends. I'm a little further out, and I can say I'm making veeeeery slow strides forward in this area. Hang in there.

My W and the OM also had this whole "polyamourous" bullshit justification thing going on, and for many months, had me convinced his W believed the same thing (hence my hesitation in telling her about me catching them). I spoke with my IC (who specialized in relationship issues) about this at length, and she advised me that this is a deal-breaker in marriages... if one partner wants to be polygamous. I told my W that, and said the same thing, that she needed to be kind enough to tell me and leave, if she truly didn't want a monogamous marriage. Like your H, it wasn't what she really wanted, was just rationalization for her A. This was probably the most terrifying aspect after DDay #1, and really fucked with my head for quite some time. It skewed my judgment and perception of everything, and led to me making some bad (IMO) decisions after I busted them.


Me: BH, 44
Her: FWW, 43 (ThornyRose)
M: 17 years, together 20
2 Daughters: 15 and 13
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 747 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
TopsyTurvey
New Member
Member # 27048
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Dear, The Garden, Oh, I am so sorry for you. See my story, it's different but the same as all of us on this topic have experienced, betrayal from the one person we thought we could trust explicitly, or is it implicitly? I used to know that rule but alas, now I do not. The cruelest thing about all of this is that it undermines the trust you have. Your feeling of trust just dies. I have forgiven my husband, now if only, I could forget. I think forgiveness is a conscious action. Your brain has it's own agenda. My therapist put it this way and it made sense to me, "It's as if you drank poison and expected the other person to die", and this was what was going on in my life. I just could not go on like this, it was eating me up. My husband and I are doing well. There has been no contact with the OW, former long time friend. Some one asked about the letter. I got a letter from her a couple of years out. She apologized to me. Whether it was real or not, I don't know. We had been out of town for three weeks and our mail was held, I didn't know it was from her when I opened it, so it was sort of a surprise. I read it and saved it for a few weeks, rereading it a couple more times, then I tossed it. I decided I didn't want it in my house. So, I guess it wasn't that important to me. It was words and that's about it. By the time my husband started fully sharing the situation with me, I read some pretty scary, threatening emails she had sent and I realized that I probably never knew this person at all. We had shared a lot over many, many years. Of interest, her late husband had called and asked me to run some errands for him. He was a shell of his former self. He alluded that his wife (the OW) was making life difficult for him. I had heard her side of the story and was drinking her Kool Aid regarding their situation, in retrospect, a mistake. He died a few months later of a massive heart attack. He was 57. After that, my husband was by her side helping her with everything. He absented himself from our life. They carried on an affair under my nose and I didn't see it. I started thinking something was wrong about three months into her "widowhood". It took me another month to bring this up to my husband and he lied to me. Long story short, this was the start of the worst three months of my life. All affairs are alike in many ways. You have the lies, the gas lighting, the TT, the "should I leave my wife for the AP?, etc. When I caught him in a lie, he had broken the NC, I told him he had to leave, and he did. I learned I could do just fine on my own, except for snow shoveling, I did fine. I hired someone to shovel my snow. I felt grateful that I have a profession that allows me to be financially independent, a situation that not all on these boards have. Our son was grown and out of the house, married to a lovely woman. For this I am grateful. It would have been different if I still had a child living at home. My husband is a great father and most people would look at him and NEVER think he would do something like this. I think his need to be a KISA is the source of a lot of this. Also, after 35 years, you can get into a rut and life situations start taking a front seat to the marriage. In my case, I was leaving town every three weeks to go to another city and care for my mother who had dementia. I was doing this without any assist from my husband. My brothers and sisters and I did this for five years, she died two years ago, I miss her every day. She was a great mother. Anyway, I started out making this a short reply but boy did I get wordy. Garden, I read your posting about defending your dissertation and I thought, Oh God, such bad timing. I sooooooo agree that this is such a stressful time for you. I hope you can get on your feet emotionally to get this finished and behind you. I think the PhD will be easier to get behind you than the betrayal you are feeling. You have control over the PhD. You do not have control over your polyamorous H, AP and her husband. You are not to blame for this messed up situation. However, you have to suffer the consequences. Chin up, girl. This is so hard. I am sorry for all of us. You lose trust, your normally soft heart, hardens, and you try to run and hide from those thoughts that find their way into your brain but you just can't I read the posting from SoManyYears and I so get what you are going through. We are probably about the same age with the same life experiences. I don't know what to say, I'm sure the fact that it was a LTA and you caught them twice, plays into it. Have you heard of EMDR? They use it on people with PTSD. I tried it a few times but it just didn't work for me. However, it does work for some people. I heard that an A causes PTS in the spouse affected by the A. I can believe this. You are so not the same person after you find out. I was a hot mess. I cried, was distracted at work, cried more and more, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, started buying box wine instead of a bottle of wine, took up smoking again, still haven't kicked the habit after five years, my bad. I hate that this happened to me. It has taken individual therapy for both my husband and I and marriage counseling but we are still going strong, amend that, we are still going. He does not want to ever discuss the A. I, on the other hand, would love to know ALL but I never will. The MC said that I know all that I ever would know and to keep beating it to death would be harmful. He lives in shame from what happened and that is probably punishment enough. When he moved out, we had to tell our son why and this killed him. Our son was devastated. I hadn't seen him cry since he was a child and he was bawling his eyes out. I never want to see that hurt on his face again. My H is very remorseful. I get what you're going through. I wish you peace of mind. Have you tried IC or MC? I think these would be very helpful. Start with the IC because the AP is dead, he's not coming back to destroy your life even more. Like me, you're drinking the poison and expecting your wife to die. He's already dead. I get it but try to be proactive and get some help, you do not deserve to live like this. it's just too hard. You're miserable, your wife is probably miserable. This misery is the poison. Kind thoughts going your way.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2010
million tears
Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

My WH had a real "ah-ha" moment when I told him, "Do you realize you have been screwing your best friend's wife?" I don't think he even thought about it. I think it made his feel worse than what he was doing to me.

OW was my friend too and the 4 of us were inseparable. It kills me to think of us BSs sitting with them playing cards and the WSs playing footsie under the table. How smug they must have felt to be pulling one over on us and we sat there looking like total assholes.

(is it ok to swear on this forum?)


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC. WH just your ordinary asshole.


Posts: 1672 | Registered: Jun 2009
mrcpu
Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Is it strange to feel more anger toward my x-BFF than my WW?


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012 - Confirmed WW was having an affair with my xBFF
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014 - Caught WW working on a hookup online with local real estate agent.
D-Day 3: 18 Dec 2014 - Caught WW Breaking NC with my xBFF for past 2 months via text.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

The person I was and continue to be most angry with in my situation was actually the OW's (enabling, polyamorous) husband, who was also my good friend. The reason why is because I feel that both my WH and the OW were "under the influence", so to speak, both re: alcohol and hormones, which, while no justification, is still a major contributing factor towards their really stupid, hurtful behavior. Part of the reason for their behavior is that they quite literally weren't thinking straight (no excuse in either case, but nevertheless a pertinent factor).

On the other hand, the OWH has no excuse at all. He wasn't in love or lust. His behavior all the way through the process was cold, premeditated, and malicious. He deliberately and with forethought encouraged his wife to have an affair with my husband, knowing full well it would hurt me and wreck my monogamous marriage. He's also the one who attacked and blamed me after DDay.

To me it's kind of like the difference between manslaughter and murder. If you get drunk and do something stupid, it's less of a crime than deliberately, soberly, and with malice aforethought doing something that you know will cause great harm.

Am I angry with my WH? You bet. I have been and still am EXTREMELY angry with WH, his thoughtlessness, his idiocy, his unkindness. But he is also remorseful and has been trying hard to work on our marriage. Similarly, I am sad and angry about OW's betrayal, but I also think she's got a lot of emotional problems stemming from FOO issues and other stuff, and I don't think she got a single thing she hoped for out of this situation, so I also partially pity her. She's not having a nice life this year either, and I doubt, given the kinds of choices she generally makes about her (sexual and other) relationships with other people, that she is likely to have a nice life in the future either.

OWH on the other hand was a fucking cold-hearted snake from beginning to end. SO many lies of omission, no thought for my feelings, no excuses or reasons for his behavior other than (probably) the mild amusement of pulling something over on me, facilitating situations where his wife could freely pursue my husband, standing next to them while they were "playing" with one another and verbally egging them on , no empathy at all for me after the fact, blamed me for all of my husband's bad life choices and tried to play us against one another by being his "supportive friend" when I was angry after DDay. Sick, sick, sick. Totally sociopathic behavior. I still have nightmares about him, 6 months out.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 5:04 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I don't think so, mrcpu.

For me, the decision to try reconciliation with my wife was quick and strongly felt. Her remorse was fast, and we've lived and worked together to build a stronger marriage than we had before. I have 24/7, concrete proof of her love and remorse.

The friend she had her affair with? We're certainly able to be social around mutual friends, but there's more unresolved hurt there than with my wife. Distance --physical, emotional, and social-- prevents me from seeing the depth of change in him that I can see in myself and my wife.


Me - BH 40
Her - FWW 37
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I belong in this club now. I am seeing no remorse from my husband. He is tired of talking about it. This is his 2nd EA as well. He lies in marital therapy. I'm going to have to file divorce papers and I so never wanted this. But if all he can do is complain about how much he hates to talk to me then what is left to salvage?


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 4th (Saturday)


..@ tigereyes..

Sorry you are back here with the added betrayal of your bff.

..your WH needs to read the book 'Not Just Friends' to open his eyes about what he is really doing to his marriage.

..sometimes the shock of filing D-papers will snap them out of the fog so, yes, get the lawyer involved with papers and it will send a clear message to your WH that you mean business!!!

..have you had any contact recently with the 'friend'???

..is she aware of the damage she is causing with her involvement?

..maybe she needs a copy of the book as well!!!

take care and keep posting. It will help you deal with all of the emotions that you're facing.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 68
Her 64
Married 43 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!


Posts: 4461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Oh, he has read Not Just Friends. He read that after the first affair. We set a boundary in marital counseling. Within 6 months he had violated that boundary and has never respected it.

He saw an IC who wasn't familiar with that book and thinks that we should not talk about the affair, that we need to burn the emails and put it in the past.

My bff had been my bff for 26 years. I have no contact with her now although it takes every ounce of restraint not to drive to her house and snatch her bald. I exposed her to her husband and also exposed a PA she had with a man from her church 2 years ago that her husband didn't know about. She gave me the ammo to ruin her life and then gave me a reason to use it. Not very bright.

I exposed her to her church, her inlaws, everyone. I exposed my husband to his friends, everyone I could.

Currently he thinks we are trying to R. Starting with a new MC this week. I'm just going through the motions and setting the hook. My children will learn from me, it is NOT acceptable to treat someone like this. EVER.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

..sounds like your WH didn't appreciate the 2nd chance you gave him.. and he wants to rug sweep his bad behaviour.

..wants to destroy the evidence and 'put it in the past'..

..of course they hate to talk about it!!!

Sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row..

Protect yourself legally..

While I get that you want to lay a beating on the bff (I wanted to kill the bfOM, but he died from a brain tumour before I got the chance)..

..don't do anything that can put you in jail.. they're so not worth it!!

hope you and the kids are doing OK..

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:11 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 68
Her 64
Married 43 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!


Posts: 4461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)

My WW portrayed me with her ex-coworker and her LTAP was a member of our church and a Relative of mine. It totally blows my mind.

I confronted him the first time when she confessed and 2 years later she had a physical relationship with him. I saw him at our Family Reunion and they both didn't talk to each other, but the now I look like a fool and those two were screwing each other...


I am the wandering samurai, and I found my freedom...

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I think the biggest deal for me isn't so much the affair but how terribly he has treated me since I found out. Shouldn't he at least FAKE remorse? He just tells me he hates to talk to me but he wants to work on our marriage. I met with a new marriage counselor today, his appointment is tomorrow and then we both go Monday morning. He refuses to go to IC. Apparently he has it all figured out so there is nothing he needs to work on.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Wow tigereyes, your H sounds like a real douche.

I am so glad you outed them to everyone. I also outed to everyone, and even though my H and I reconciled, I wouldn't take any of it back for a second.

And destroying OW/xBFF to all of our mutual friends, her family members, and my family members who basically raised her was quite freeing also.

I think getting your ducks in a row is a good idea. Go through whatever motions you need to, to be prepared. For me, a second trip down this road would equal the same exact thing.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Last night was rough. It appears he isn't putting 100% into our marriage because he believes I have stolen all of his money from him. My father died 9 years ago and when he did he left cd's in all 4 of my kid's names. He told me he was doing it, made me the guardian and told me to use the money for my kids, whether it was to buy a home for us all to live in or to give each child individually when they became adults, just basically to do what I saw fit. My husband has always known about these cd's. But he believes they are half his. He said that I have the kids in my back pocket and that they will give me the money if I ask and I have stolen all of his money from him. I cannot imagine why he begrudges my children their inheritance. It is baffling to me.

Then he went on to say that even if I put all the cd's in his name and handed them to him he still isn't sure that would be enough because now he can't stand the way I treat him. Have I yelled at him after finding out he was having an affair with my best friend? Well, what do you think? Of course I have. He and my friend called me every name in the book, spoke of me as though I was less than dirt. He says that doing that behind my back is better than me telling him what I think to his face because those words were never meant for me to see. Is it just me or is that just f'ed up?


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 10th (Friday)


.."OMG"...

He says that doing that behind my back is better than me telling him what I think to his face because those words were never meant for me to see.

..your WH is seriously f'ed up in the head and doesn't have a clue about his betrayal, especially with it being with your friend.

..of course, I'm using the term 'friend' very loosely. Back stabbing dirt-bag whore-bitch might be a more appropriate term.

..as for the money, designated to your kids, with YOUR control over its dispersal, tell him to ------- --- ---- ------- and---- -------!!!

..and by the way, how do you not strangle him in his sleep???

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 68
Her 64
Married 43 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!


Posts: 4461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 10th (Friday)

If I kill him in his sleep I won't get child support or alimony. That is the only thing keeping him alive. I kid, sort of.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I also outed my WH and his affair partner and her husband to everyone. I didn't and don't regret it for a second. I didn't feel that it was my responsibility to keep their secrets, or lie to others about the reason why the four of us weren't friends any more.

I know a lot of people say you should just keep it in the marriage, but I think the situation is a little different with a double betrayal, especially if the affair partner is a major, enmeshed part of your social group. It just adds more stress and anguish to the BS's burden to have to "pretend" to other people or watch the AP continue to have a normal life and normal relationships with (naive) other friends while the BSs suffers with secrets or has to be the one to avoid social gatherings or whatever. I decided early on that I wasn't going to do that, period. If they wanted to invite her and not me, fine, but nobody was going to do it out of ignorance about the situation. So far I've gotten a lot of support and sympathy from mutual friends.

The other piece of "wisdom" that I think is not as applicable to the double betrayal is the concept of "not giving head space to the OW/OM". I think that makes more sense when you're talking about a stranger. For me, my friends' betrayal was almost as hurtful as my WH's betrayal. For me, not "giving headspace" would actually be rug-sweeping. It's something I HAVE TO figure out how to process, because it directly affects how I will handle friendships and trust in people other than my husband going forward in the future.

It actually kind of pisses me off when people say that, actually, like, "why do people blame the OW?", or "she never made vows to you", or "why are you still thinking about the OW/OM?" Come on, she hurt me horribly. A major betrayal by a friend would be a traumatic life event for anyone. I don't know why that should suddenly change, or I should suddenly stop caring about that just because my husband was involved too. I don't blame her for what he did, I blame her for what SHE did - I thought she cared about me too, even if she never stood up in church and made a promise. She broke my heart too, and I have a right to have feelings about that and process them.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Agree totally thegarden. I loved my friend, she was a sister to me. I even told my husband at one point that I would be devastated if she turned on me and he sent her that email and they laughed about it. I feel like my ability to detect good characters is just broken. And I can NEVER let my husband meet any new friend I make. Hell, I can't take him to a family reunion, he might be looking for his next AP.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Thegarden, it took me a long time to not think about OW/xBFF constantly. I can still remember about 3 or 4 months out being in the shower just thinking about OW. I thought to myself "for the rest of my life I will think about this girl every moment I am awake" and I truly believed this, and it was devastating.

Fortunately, that has eased immensely. I have days she doesn't even enter my head, and on the days she does, I easily dismiss her. My bad days have gone from daily to about one every 6 months (as far as the A is concerned and letting her truly have space in my head).

These people did just as bad to us as our fWS. IN some ways, worse in my opinion. It has been 3 years and 7 months since dday for me, and I have still not found full forgiveness for her in my heart. I do hope to though, so I can be freed of the bitterness and resentment. And THAT desire in itself if a miracle. A little over a year ago I was still in major hatred calling her a cum-dripping slag to anyone who would listen.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I locked him out of the house tonight. He doesn't have a key and I can't take it anymore. He got mad at me for thinking and then writing my thoughts in my journal. So I can only say positive things and I guess I can only think and write positive things too.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
LadyYoga
Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

Is there anyone on here that still lives in the same town as other family and where kids remained friends? I have been on this site for over 3 years (changed my name as I heard I was being followed) and I have yet to find anyone in my situation. They live one street over, are kids are BFF and I communicate with owh and have to text her occasionally. It's a f'd up situation but we (3/4) of us agree it is best for the kids. PM me if you can share any insight to a similar situation. Thanks


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
iamsoblind42
Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Count me in too with triple betrayal.

Walked in on my WH having oral sex Friday night with my BF while her husband watched. In my house, where kids could have walked in. They were all really smashed. I was tipsy myself but not as drunk as they were. I truly believe her H has a serious sex addiction problem. They have been married over 20 years and claim they still have sex every day. This does not excuse my H and BF but I do feel it was her H that pushed over the apple cart. After, her H was saying how sorry he was and that I should not blame them. Screw that!!!!

We had all been best friends for years. Our sons (now 16) have been best friends since they were really little.

I had my H move out today and it is really hard. Wish I had my BF to talk to about it. She was truly like a sister to me.

Now, I feel like I can talk to no one as everyone knows her and I honestly am not ready to admit to anyone else what has happened.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)

The other piece of "wisdom" that I think is not as applicable to the double betrayal is the concept of "not giving head space to the OW/OM". I think that makes more sense when you're talking about a stranger. For me, my friends' betrayal was almost as hurtful as my WH's betrayal. For me, not "giving headspace" would actually be rug-sweeping. It's something I HAVE TO figure out how to process, because it directly affects how I will handle friendships and trust in people other than my husband going forward in the future.

It actually kind of pisses me off when people say that, actually, like, "why do people blame the OW?", or "she never made vows to you", or "why are you still thinking about the OW/OM?" Come on, she hurt me horribly. A major betrayal by a friend would be a traumatic life event for anyone. I don't know why that should suddenly change, or I should suddenly stop caring about that just because my husband was involved too. I don't blame her for what he did, I blame her for what SHE did - I thought she cared about me too, even if she never stood up in church and made a promise. She broke my heart too, and I have a right to have feelings about that and process them.

^^^AWESOME^^^ I've struggled so much with this, and this truly is a situation where you have to have BTDT to understand where the BS of a double betrayal is coming from. I can't fathom, at this point, ever having a really close friend again and truly trusting anybody.


Me: BH, 44
Her: FWW, 43 (ThornyRose)
M: 17 years, together 20
2 Daughters: 15 and 13
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 747 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 13th (Monday)

LadyYoga:

If you are the same person I think you are, I remember talking about this with you in the past. I don't know how reconciliation can ever fully happen when there is never NC in true place. I get that it isn't pleasant for the kids and such, but infidelity impacts the whole family.

OW/xBFF's daughter and my oldest two daughters were VERY close. They thought they were cousins.. We live in similar proximity, (although not the same schools). NC was for the whole family and that meant all the kids as well. I have been contacted once by her daughter via the internet and I told her that we would be continuing to stay NC with them (not in those words of course, she is just a tween).

Anyway, 3/4 think you should all maintain this arrangement? Are you the one hold out? I wouldn't blame you if you are. For how many years will this be the focus of your delayed healing? Personally (and this is just my opinion), I don't think I could have R'd having to see or text OW and share my children with her.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
LadyYoga
Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 13th (Monday)

yes, it's me. OW is actually the odd man out. She said play dates should be over after our last run in in october where she walked into my yoga class and I walked out. I emailed her ranting and she said she was shaking but there was no way she was going to leave and we both should have just "breathed through it"

We are really in true R. Our marriage is great now. However, I do not think I will truly be able to heal with her in the picture. So, I practice acceptance. I would just like to find someone else who is also doing that. In all my years on here, I haven't found one. Majority say they move. We tried the complete NC for two years but it was even harder for me. With the boys being in the same class, them living around the corner and with modern technology (Skype, minecraft, xbox, etc.) it was impossible. It would be like stalking my kid having a secret relationship with their friend. Next year, they will be indifferent schools so that may help. But, I doubt it.

It's going to reman status quo, I just need to figure out some tools to work with the situation.
sigh.....


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
sobbinginfla
New Member
Member # 36757
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I know this feeling, having been married for 36 years. It is never too late. It's horrid to know that you lived with someone for so long and never actually knew them. But it does not mean that life is over. You are at an awesome time in life and have so much more knowledge and experience now. Enjoy yourself! This is the best revenge of them all

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2012
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 13th (Monday)

You are the only one I have ever seen with this situation as well. I can only imagine how difficult it is.

I know what you mean about how it is difficult with the other things like xbox, instagram, and all other ways these kids are communicating now. When OW/xBFF's daughter found me on YouTube, she asked me if I had a FB or an instagram. I didn't bother informing her that when her idiotic mother set up her FB, that she blocked me and fWH from it. I seen the FB within a month of it being creative due to my intense investigative mode that I was in. It was months later that OW's daughter contacted me, and I thought about telling her, then kept it exactly the way it should have been. Likely, OW was just doing it to protect her daughter, can I really fault her for that???

Now that my girls are getting to the age of instagram, I worry OW's daughter might try to contact them. They were 7 and 8 when this happened, so they must remember her.. I don't know if they do or not, a few weeks of trying to keep it from them and I couldn't take the constant begging from them to have "Aunt" and "cousin" over. I finally told H I couldn't take it and he had to have a little chat with them about how their "Aunt" would never be coming around again. I don't think at that age they would have really understood "infidelity", so there was never a good explanation other than "Aunt hurt Momma really bad" and "don't ever bring her up"

And they never have.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
LadyYoga
Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Yeah, that was the age my boys were during the hiatus. Now, my kids are always "connected" in some way to their friends. They all have iphones , ipads, computers, xbox, etc so they text and facetime constantly. It would be extremely difficult to make them go NC at this point. About an hour ago, I pulled into the school parking lot and OW also pulled in. Our cars ended up being face to face. So crazy that I have to live like this. But, that doesn't bother me as much as having to see her face in front of my house (which is rare. I have the boys answer the door when her son gets dropped off if I know she is the one dropping off.) Mostly, is is OWH who I am still friendly with. Totally a messed up situation. Cest la vie as they say.

If you find someone who walks in my shoes, please tell them to PM me.


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 13th (Monday)

IAmSoBlind:

Wow, sounds like we had the same so-called "friends". I also feel that my OW's H was partially an instigator and escalated the situation. They were also long-term friends of ours, and the situation completely nuked various aspects of our social circle.

I am sorry you are here with a triple betrayal as well. It's a completely fucked up, sick kind of infidelity. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. People who encourage their spouses to have affairs with other people so they can get off on the illicitness and other people's pain...that's a special breed of sociopath right there.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
iamsoblind42
Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 13th (Monday)

TheGarden... I really need to post more so I can contact you directly (50 right?). I can't believe how similar our stories are. Sad really...

My BF's H has been acting the same way. Sent me a text that "they did not have intercourse". How he would never let another man put his junk in his wife. OK "Clinton", oral sex is OK? He is seriously dillusional!

At least you knew the kind of "marriage" they had. I did not. I knew BF's H was way too flirtatious especially when drunk and it actually made me feel sorry for my friend. I had no idea she was in on it too.

After I caught them she has sworn it has NEVER happened with anyone else including my WH and she has been married for over 20 years.

I refuse to talk with her or her H anymore. I blocked them on FB and do not respond to any texts. I am going to block her email as soon as I send this.

Do you think you and your WH will get past this? Do you still think about it all the time? If not, how long can you go without thinking about it? I know everyone is different but just curious as to when I might start to feel less pain.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 219 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I am sorry to say that although I am 7 months past it, I still think about it all the time. It is not as painful now as it was during the first few months, but it is never far from my mind at any moment.

The double betrayal part is now much harder for me to deal with than my husband's betrayal, actually. But that is because he has been remorseful and has spent countless hours since then trying to work it out with me, apologizing, talking about it, etc. I've done a lot of processing with him, and he's worked a lot on the issues that allowed him to go there with the OW, lie, sneak around, etc.

But there was no closure with my "friends". They never explained or apologized. I still can't even figure out why the OW did what she did. It's just so crazy and sick and such a horrible thing to do to a close friend that I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't understand why OW's H was so cruel to me afterwards, how any sane, ethical person could ever stand next to his wife and deliberately encourage her to do sexual things with her friend's monogamous husband, her friend who knew nothing and trusted and loved all of them, and all of them knew it would devastate me.

I will never understand any of these things, so of course I ruminate about it all the time.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 8:03 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 13th (Monday)

TheGarden,

7 months is a very short time. I know that likely feels discouraging, but each day you press on, it will get easier.

It took a lot of time for me to give up on "the why's". I did a lot of "why's" to my fWH, and finally just realized there were no answers. And the "why's" still sneak into my head about OW/xBFF from time to time.

Why did she hate me? Why did she want my life? Why was she so mad when he decided to stay with his wife and kids? Why for almost three years did she do this in my house under my nose? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she love me the way I loved her? Why would she do this to my kids and her daughter? Why would she tell people the lies she did about me? Why would she pretend she was doing me favors when coming over, when really it was so she could have sex with MY husband?

The why's are endless. I fully realize there are no answers to these why's either, but I feel like there should be. The best my MC could do for me is talk about how jealousy is such an evil sin, and it can overtake a person. I guess that is my only "why".. Although, I could leave it at she is just plain evil.


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
SeekingJoy
Member
Member # 25165
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Is this an open posting? I am part of this club.I hope I'm allowed to post here.

I'm just realizing that it has been 4.5 years since I became a part of this club. I'm not any closer to healing. My SIL (and very close friend) had an affair with my xH. She is still married to my brother. I haven't seen either or them, nor my baby niece in all this this time. She must be nearly 5 by now, and only lives 45 minutes away.

I have only spoken to my brother a couple of times in the past 4.5 years. I invited his family to my daughter's birthday last year- he declined, and said that he "was not ready". (his wife had the affair; I did nothing)...he's apparently protecting her (?)

I am letting this anger and resentment take away any relationship I could have with my niece. I'm so sad over this, and yet I don't know how to forgive. I want to know my niece. I want my girls to know their cousin. I cannot forgive her.

I've forgiven my ex for his multiple affairs. I just don't care about it anymore. I am more concerned with his ongoing verbal abuse; maybe the abuse has just taken precedent over the lies.

How has 4.5 years past already? Why does it seem as vivid as if it were yesterday? Is my life just going to flitter away, wasted by negative energy? How can I ever get past it?


I'm not crazy... I prefer the term mentally hilarious.

"People will show you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." -Don Draper.



Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2009
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Why did she hate me? Why did she want my life? Why was she so mad when he decided to stay with his wife and kids? Why for almost three years did she do this in my house under my nose? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she love me the way I loved her? Why would she do this to my kids and her daughter?

I understand - similar situation, here. And now it appears the AP has told her kids to not speak to me (probably us), after OBS and I had agreed to try to keep it as congenial between the kids as possible. I spoke to them the other day 7 months out (they are 7 and 10) and was clearly rebuffed. Also, AP did the same to my son a couple of months back. Who would do that?

We live in a small city, and the two couples spent a lot of time together for a couple of years - we have many of of the same mutual friends. It has been a real struggle to try to keep things as normal as possible for our son.

As far as the APs motivations - it was always about them. So, you can't make someone not be narcissistic. That, and they are profoundly broken. I don't think my H's AP would have broken it off with him, ever. She wanted my/our life. I am glad he confessed after thinking I found out after a relatively short amount of time.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LadyYoga
Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Bionicgal, I sent you a PM. Just wanted to see how your are doing


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I don't think my H's AP would have broken it off with him, ever. She wanted my/our life.

OMG this! Oddly enough, fWH and OW/xBFF had "broken up" 3 or 4 times throughout the A. They were in the middle of getting ready to "break up" again when I found out.

OW/xBFF was super pissed at fWH because he had told her he was never going to leave. After months of fighting, she finally asked him "well then will you just have us both"?

I am completely confused by how someone would want to be the OW forever. How can this be someone's ultimate resolve?? If he won't have me only, maybe he can have us both!? This is insane.

Then, when her and I spoke after discovery (and she informed me she always knew deep down this is how it would end, but she hoped it hadn't), she said "well, he told me if I waited until the kids were all grown, he would come back for me"

Really idiot?? My baby was 5 weeks old when she said this. So she was going to wait EIGHTEEN years???? Wow.. How P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C!

He did admit to me to saying this, he said he was sure she would find someone else and that was just something to appease her at that time of "break up". People say the darnedest (and most idiotic) things in affairs.

[This message edited by Myheartstillhurt at 10:07 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
staystrong25
New Member
Member # 42120
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

I too was betrayed by the two people I loved the most. I told her things in trust and she used them against me in order to steal my husband. All it did was cause 4 people grief and hurt. She had her affair with my husband because she felt I was on a high horse and had to be put in place! For what? All I tried to do was help her in her time of need while she was separated from her awful husband, little did i know that she was just as bad. She was jealous because my marriage was great, we were happy and my husband treated me great. She used my friendship to get closer to him and become friend with him. I feel so stupid. I hate her and want tell her how I feel since I never got to. When I found out I was so shocked that I apologized to her while she called me names. And she has the nerve to tell my childhood friend (who she used to be friends with) that she has a hard time seeing us hanging out without her, and that basiclly this was somehow my fault. Ugh, I though by now I could move on, I wish he would have had an affair with someone we didnt know or didnt share friends with, I cant get her out of my life.

D-Day 12/08/2012
Still working on our marriage, moving in good direction


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Devastated63
New Member
Member # 42135
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

I'm new here and need some advice. I found out 2 months ago that my husband of 29 years had a 14 month long affair with a good friend of mine. It has been over for 8 months, and we are working on rebuilding our marriage and repairing the damage.

I have forgiven my husband, but I feel like I need some closure with my former friend. I can't stop thinking about the depth of her betrayal. We socialized with her and her husband during the whole affair, and I was oblivious! I feel like such a stupid fool! I cannot fully heal with this terrible jealousy, hatred, and anger in my heart.

Here is my question... Should I contact her and try to get some closure? I just feel like I need to hear her apologize and ask for forgiveness. I would appreciate any advice you guys can give me.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Birmingham, AL
staystrong25
New Member
Member # 42120
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Devastated63- I too feel the need to contact her. But what would i say? What would she say? Ask for my forgiveness?> She would never get it. Tell me she is sorry? I know she would be full of shit, how can a friend, and im using that term loosely, do such a thing for so long and feel remorse. She doesnt. All your gonna do is hurt more. I contacted my xbff once, shorty after i found out about the affair and all she did was hurt me more. She said things to me that I would rather not repeat, these things are still on my mind. Only when we go digging do we find gold, or a shit storm in this scenario. I still think about it and its been a year, i stalk her FB and question our mutual friend because I want to hear how shity her life is. I even contemplate revenge of some sort, like telling my side of the story to her husband who blames me and my husband only. there were so many things that she did while separated from her husband, things besides taking advantage of me and my marriage, that I know could put a wrench in her life just like she did in mine. But this site has helped a lot. Talking to people and reading their stories is helping, We are not alone and we are not to blame.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Devastated63
New Member
Member # 42135
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, January 20th (Monday)

staystrong25: I have become obsessed with her. I too stalk her FB daily. I drive by her design shop every time I'm in that area. Our son is a good friend of her son's, and I feel sick to my stomach every time he goes to their house. He doesn't know about the affair, so I just have to stand there with a fake smile on my face while he tells me what she cooked them for dinner!! It's torture.

I've got to find some way to forgive her so I can move forward. The resentment is literally making me sick. She is already out of my life, now I need to get her out of my head.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Birmingham, AL
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Devastated - I understand the impulse to get some closure with her, but it is unlikely it will be rewarding in any way. I wrote a letter to the AP (our "friend") and asked for an apology - which I got. But, it was all focused on her, and how she felt bad. I think the whole idea is that they are just focused on themselves. . they didn't care about us then. (And why would they now?) They just wanted the high of the affair.

I hope you can find some peace in your heart. I have felt anger towards OW lately, but deep down I pity her. I am so glad I don't have to wake up in the morning and be her, as hard as it is to be me some mornings. At least I can look at myself as a good, honorable and worthy person.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Devastated63
New Member
Member # 42135
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

bionicgal- Your response makes a lot of sense to me. It's very good advice and I'm really taking it to heart. This is by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It helps so much to talk to others who are going through something similar. I can't talk to family or friends because I really don't want everyone to know about all of this hurt and ugliness. Thank you again.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Birmingham, AL
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I think my WH is still in contact with my former "friend". I can't prove it as he uses his work email address to communicate with her and I have no access to that. But he has started writing in his journal again (which he should just call my slam book) and he has written things that lead me to believe he has broken NC. We have "counseling" tomorrow morning and I think I am going to air my suspicions there. He won't be expecting that. This is so ridiculous that I have to play this stupid game. But since he is passive-aggressive, he never tells me the truth.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)


..@tigereyes..

..just wondering if bringing up your suspicions at IC will just push him to be extra cautious and go into gaslighting and denial mode.

..could you hire a PI to track them both for positive proof?

..hope you can get to better days..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 68
Her 64
Married 43 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!


Posts: 4461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I've been thinking a lot about the AP aspect of my double betrayal situation lately. I think I may be at the very beginning stages of dealing with the fact that my friend hurt me.

It seems like really simple concept, but I think it's one of those areas that may differ between the genders. From my experience, it's a lot more common for a female to tell her friend (or someone else) that her friend hurt her, or hurt her feelings.

As a guy, I don't think it comes quite so easily. We're much quicker to say that we're pissed at another guy, or we're going to kick his ass, before we say that another guy hurt us emotionally.

Not that there's any shame in saying it, it just doesn't come naturally to us, at least initially.

Well, I am finally saying it: my friend hurt me. He, in conjunction with my wife, hurt me. He took advantage of my trust and he stabbed me in the back.

Someone upthread mentioned not getting any closure with your friend, and I totally agree with that. It's one of the most angering and frustrating aspects of this garbage. Upon DDAY1, I have never heard from him again. He has never apologized for his role in wrecking my life temporarily. And the few snippets of info I get from other sources seem to indicate that while his life is shit, he has exhibited no remorse, only righteousness.

I don't know how to deal with this yet.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I belong to this club. My husband had a LTA with a close family friend. She went on family vacations with us. She celebrated milestones with us. How could I be so blind? I trusted this woman around my children and family. I question myself constantly...
Why didn't I see it?
How could I be so stupid?

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
lefther
New Member
Member # 42463
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I am part of this awful club now. You think you know and love two people, and they just devastate you on so many levels.


BH - 29(me)
WW/STBXW - 26
M <7 T >9
2nd D-day - Christmas Day 2013

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Ca
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Helpless  Posted: 10:43 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I belong to the club nobody wants to belong too. My husband had a LTA with a close family friend. I've known her for 18 years. She went on family vacations with us. She celebrated our children's birthdays. We celebrated her kids birthdays. It's heartbreaking. It's insane. I question all my relationships because I trusted this woman around my family. Even when I heard rumors about my husband and the OW, I could not believe it. I confronted my husband about the rumors. He denied and denied. How could I be so blind?????

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Every day that I do not drive to my former BFF's house and snatch her bald is a success in my book.

At least my stbx has had to suffer a bit with the kids being angry with him, he has had to see how much he hurt me, etc. She just ran away and never even apologized. Some friend. I would have taken a bullet for her. I guess in a way, I did.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Facepunched,
You know, I asked for an apology from my "friend" of 8ish years, and got one, and it was like the Muzak of apologies -- like cotton candy. It had so little substance, I am surprised that words even appeared on the paper. So. . . I don't know. It isn't as helpful as you might think that she made the effort - such as it was. (She, a 40+ year old woman, referenced an obscure song in the first few lines of the apology, and the proceeded to tell me that it didn't capture all she was trying to say. Like, I was going to go and Google a f-ing song so that I could decipher her apology? What are we, 13? Geez. I obviously still get angry thinking about it.)

On the other hand, I feel like my H wrote a reasonable apology to the OBS (who was a friend), so it can be done. But, our MC said in all his years of practice that my H was the only man who had ever written an apology to the OBS. So, like everything else with affairs - I wouldn't take it personally.

I know that doesn't help at all!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:46 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I never got an apology. She just dropped out if my life...I haven't seen or heard from her since DDay. I used to want an apology...I deserved at least that right? Now I realise that I don't need anything from her except what she's giving me...complete NC with me and wh. Would an apology have made me feel better? No. I realise that now.

Most people are surprised that I didn't hunt her down and confront her or send her nasty texts (some of our mural friends did...which I enjoyed) but there are no words that I can say to her that will express my anger and hatred for her...and if she made some comment about my husband I'd lose it and I can't give her the power to get to me like that.

Now OBS and WH are a different situation. OBS hated wh for about 6 months and then he slowly let wh back into his life and a year later they spend more time hanging out then ever before. I've told OBS that I don't know how he looks WH in the face after everything...somehow he does though. Keep in mind wh got ow pregnant (always a chance it wasn't his baby she had another boyfriend besides my husband...she had an abortion so we don't have to find out) OBS has a zero sperm count and couldn't get his wife pregnant...they did IUI with doner sperm for three month and it didn't work...she slept with my husband for three months and got pregnant that's a pretty big betrayal. Add to the list that wh and ow had sex in OBS house and car well he was away working and paying for her to have some time off well she figured out what she wanted to do next. I struggle to understand how he could forgive all that? I would never forgive ow...ever I'm not even totally sure I will ever forgive wh.

OBS and ow are divorced and NC...obviously I wouldn't allow OBS and wh to be friends if OW was still in the picture. She left OBS for OM #2....classy girl she turned out to be.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-4
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Son-born Jan. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 255 | Registered: Oct 2012
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I don't want an apology from OW. There is nothing she could say to me that I would want to hear. Friends who betray you, manipulate you to wedge themselves between you and your spouse--these are people who don't feel remorse or empathy. They are narcissists and what sort of apology would I expect to receive from someone like that? I know the OW in my case is not sorry, that she enjoyed being the sadistic bitch who had power over me, who used what information I gave her in "friendly" conversation against me and my family, that I represented someone from her past that she felt she had to put in their place.

OW is a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. She is a miserable person who does not deserve even the chance to apologize for her actions.

Sounds a little bitter, huh?


BW: me (39)
WH: 44
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2014
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I feel like, after 26 years of being BEST FRIENDS, the least she owed me was an apology. I kept her nasty secret about her PA with the pedophile for her for a year, even though it left a bad taste in my mouth. I was beyond loyal to her.

I know she is a narcissist. I know she has the self-esteem of a slug. But I can't imagine how she can stand in front of her church every Sunday and sing in the Praise Choir and pretend to be a good person and she couldn't even, 1)Leave my husband alone and 2)Not apologize for not doing number 1.

I'll be dreaming of setting her on fire all day today, because that is what they used to do to WITCHES.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
brokengirl37
Member
Member # 42530
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I am sadly part of this club too

What I am going to do about it, that I don't know. I work with this woman, right along side her. She was not only my friend she IS my co-worker. Not only did both my H and her have an affair, they also screwed with my place of employment. I am the one that looses.

Since I am only 2 weeks out from D-Day I have no idea of what I should do. I have gone to my employer and told them the situation and they gave me a 6 month LOA. I have also filed for Employment Insurance and have qualified for 15 weeks of sick benefits that my doctor has signed off on for severe trauma (No kidding!!)

I have outed her to EVERYONE!! She is older (50, my H just turned 40! I am 37.) My friends and hers have all turned against her and no one at work will talk to her. (Pity)What the hell did she expect? She tried to contact me on FB and apologize, she didn't mean to do it, Im sorry for hurting you, please forgive me blah blah blah..I have since blocked her. She of course is now playing the victim card, saying it was all him. Bitch please you slept with a married man, you knew what you were doing, you were out to destroy me! She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from work that night. Ugh how was I so blind? How could I be so trusting? So fucking dumb.

My union rep is taking my H phone to meetings this month to show to the president.. to show that she had intent (texting him about her and her sexy lingerie and to leave me and the kids) to see what she can do. My union rep wants to see if some kind of precedent can be set,because it affects the employment of one of their employees. I have been told that I could transfer stores but would loose the senority I have, hence starting all over again. Why should I have to leave? She should have to leave and my union rep is going to try her hardest to get her to transfer. She has ruined the vibe in our company, so many people are mad at her (there are a lot of married couples in that place that are just revolted). They want me to come back, and not to quit, but how do I do that? What if she is there? (My scheduler said she would do her best to put us in different depts.)I don't know how I would react, right now would be with rage. How would I not feel shame? Hold my head up high? When I feel so low..how do I do that?


Me: 39
WH : 41
2 Boys Age 11, 14
D-Day Feb 16 2014
OW: My Co-worker

Posts: 90 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Broken girl,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. GOOD for you on telling everyone about the OW. She doesn't deserve to have her bad moral choices kept secret.

I told everyone too. The OW was so embarrassed at her work place, that she walked out and never came back. I told her almost X husband, and he filed for custody and won. I told the whole town, and our mutual pastor called her and told her to leave me and my husband alone. She couldn't move out of that town fast enough! So good for you, I hope she runs away with her tail between her legs.

It's just not a fair game. You are just sailing through life being married, and she is playing this game with your husband and his feelings. How can you play a game that you don't know has even started?

She is the trampy OW, not you. You can hold your head up because you have morals. She WILL be the one who is ashamed. She will have to hang her head. She is a marriage wrecker. Everyone will feel bad for you because you were attacked. They will want to be friends with you, and she won't be included in the lunch plans. No one wants to be around someone who has loose morals and might try something with their husbands.

Hang in there.


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Brokengirl37

I am so sorry you are part of this club!!! (((Hugs)))

The MOW in my case thought all the neighbors would hate me when the affair came out. She told me that. Also discussed with my husband a couple of times. She would tell him (my husband) the neighbors would be shocked but that she would remain friends with all of them. My husband would think you are crazy to think that but ok?!?! Friends were very very very important to her. So when it came out she confesses to them like she is the victim. Well that did not last. They all got her number after awhile and dumped her. Well she blamed me for her not having friends she even had her husband call and tell me that!!! Crazy crazy. Well they put up the house for sale and lost 30000 something thousand dollars because she could not stay with no friends! Thank God!!!!!! I prayed hard for that house to sell!

Maybe you should tell her she needs to find another job! I am sure she is properly looking because she is very uncomfortable there. Unless she is insane. Which could very well be.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Feel better!!!


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
StuckGertie
New Member
Member # 42626
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

My first post here.
My H had an EA with my SIL.
It's been a little over 2 years and I still don't know what to do.
H is remorseful and has done most of what he should be doing. I guess. I go back and forth. He says he will wait for me to decide. That he will still be here.

Sometimes I think things will be OK and then something will happen to remind me that what he has done has totally messed up my family. I do talk to my brother but he doesn't want anything to do with my H. I don't blame at all because that's exactly how I feel. All of my family know. H told his own family as well (when I insisted - if my family had to know, then so did his).

There is some good - my Bro and SIL are getting divorced. I think this was just the last straw in a relationship with multiple A's on both sides. Their D does make it easier for me to visit him and his kids. But I don't bring H. And H hasn't been to any of my family gatherings since. Since discovery happened over Xmas holidays, I have not visited my family during that holiday the last two years. I find other times to visit, especially to see my parents who are getting older.

This will be my life if I stay.
So I guess I'm looking for someone who has gotten through a similar situation. And stayed together? And are happy?
(I know that's a lot to ask for!)
Is it possible?


Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

The double betrayal is a special kind of hell. I am 9 months past DDay and in R. This kind of event puts a pretty big dent in the ability to trust. I'm mad at them both but my "best friend" and my daughter's godmother is especially hard to stomach. However, the person I'm mad at the most is myself. How could I be so arrogant to think this could never happen to me? How could I ignore my gut when red flags were going off like crazy? How could I be so dumb? My therapist says that its a good thing that I am shocked, that it means I'm a trusting person. Well, I dont see it. I just think I'm a stupid idiot that let a conniving bitch get the better of me. I was such a good friend to her and she re-paid me by seducing my husband using all the "inside" information she had gleaned from me over the years. She used our girl talk to weasle her way in and manipulate my husbands weaknesses. My husband isnt off the hook but he was no match for her narcissistic ways. I practically gave her a blueprint to lure away my H..


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

@mrcpu
Is it strange to feel more anger toward my x-BFF than my WW?

I am soooo angry with the OW, I hate her and what she did - but just today my WH ask why would I be more angry with her when his betrayal is far worse and he then said that I was most likely directing my anger with him at her .

He's partly right
Or maybe it's just that I deal with the anger at him because he is right there and she is long gone - NC for 2.5 months


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from work

I'm sorry Brokengirl37. I understand this all too well.
Your story is very similar to mine, from the MOW being your coworker gathering info, right down the LOA and the union involvement.

I know that you are going through so much right now, and to have it not only affect your family, friendship and your work as well, multiplies the injury.

The costs to me were far too high. I hope that you can get the support you need here and at your workplace. There is no reason for your seniority to be affected by her bad decision making. I am glad that your union rep is being supportive, my experience was the opposite, because she was the president of the union, in the workplace. So that was an extra complication for me. I am so glad that is where our stories differ.


((brokengirl37))


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from work
Count me in on this aspect as well. My wife's AP was the guy that I'd have a beer with and talk about life's troubles and annoyances, both within and outside of my marriage. I can't help but feel it gave him the inside track.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

At least once a day I suppress the urge to call the x BF/OW and tell her what a stupid slapper she is.

does that happen to everyone else too?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I was such a good friend to her and she re-paid me by seducing my husband using all the "inside" information she had gleaned from me over the years. She used our girl talk to weasle her way in and manipulate my husbands weaknesses. My husband isnt off the hook but he was no match for her narcissistic ways. I practically gave her a blueprint to lure away my H..

Yeah - true for me as well, although most of our talk was between us and her and her husband. But, she knew my H's insecurities, his FOO stuff, and my worries about what his Achille's heel was, and my being upset over his excessive work travel, and totally used those things to weasel her way in. In fact, that is how she is known around here these days . . the weasel.

But you know what, I also think she knew how much I loved my H, and deep down, she must've known how much he loved me as well. I know for certain, that what she wanted was parts of our relationship, in a way.

Yes, she got to feel powerful for a while because she got to get a good man to set his wife aside (there's something to be proud of!), but the minute I found out about the affair, the fact that there was never a choice between us became crystal clear.

All she really did was set herself up to be used, and you know, my H feels bad about that now in retrospect, but he also sees her for who she is.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:14 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Sorry you find yourself here!

My xfreind used what I was telling her about his state of mind and she used that as an in! I know it hurts and you are mad. You should be! I am often singing a song I made up about her "the Slutie slut" it also makes me realize she is not in the same league as me.

Think about this

You are a good person
Friend, wife and etc..
You can look at yourself in the mirror
And smile and be proud of yourself
You are honest
You have integrity
You have class
You have people who love you
You have friends that can trust you
You can walk around with your head up high
She can never ever compete with you on so many more levels!!

Think about how much better of a human being your are!

Sometimes this helps me.
Good luck!!!
(((Hugs)))


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
SolsticeMoon
New Member
Member # 42812
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Almost a year ago I learned that my husband of almost 12 years had been having a sexual affair for three years with a woman I considered a close friend. We have two children together and she has 3 with her long-time partner (not married). Our oldest children were best friends and we used to be neighbors.

We spent a lot of time all together and I really enjoyed her and her husband's friendship and loved their children.

Some days I am not sure who I am more furious at. I think that she pretended to be my friend in order to have access to my husband.

I learned that she was also having other affairs before and/or during the time she was having an affair with my husband and I learned that she was an untreated sex addict and was also being assessed for chemical (drug/alcohol addiction). One of the other people she was cheating with was another female friend of ours who is also married and has three children.

Sometimes I see her as a kind of predator. I am so disguised by her. She knew that her partner lived with Herpes but did not disclose this…my husband had unprotected sex with her (and she doesn't use birth control). I was so furious at both her and my husband when I learned that they did not use protection. She is a doctor and my husband is a nurse…you would think two health professionals would have the sense to use protection. I can thank only God that I do not have Herpes and that she did not get pregnant by my husband.

This whole experience has been so hurtful and humiliating. I am new to this site and I am hoping that being able to share here will help me.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New Mexico
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Wow , SolsticeMoon
That OW sounds all kinds of messed up !
Has she been outed ? Dose her partner know ?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
SolsticeMoon
New Member
Member # 42812
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 17th (Monday)

It helps me to read about other people whose child(ren) were friends with the AP's children. My daughter is only 8 now and the AP's son is 7, they were BFFs for about 5 years and we have NC now, but I worry that one day when she is older she will reach out to reconnect with him. She stills asks for him and about him and doesn't understand why she can't be friends with him anymore.

We had been neighbors at one point, we lived in the same metro area when I found out and we have since move cross country.

I hate that my husband's affair caused my child her friend.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New Mexico
SolsticeMoon
New Member
Member # 42812
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Yes, the OW has been outed. I didn't tell her partner outright, but as he was also a friend, I sent him a message informing him that I would no longer be in contact with him. This prompted the OW to "have to" confess to him, only after she tried to collaborate with my husband about what they would and wouldn't tell us about the affair…that didn't work.

The OW's partner then began questioning many friends, some that were mutual, to try to investigate.

I personally am quite private and so I tried to be very selective about who I told.

However, what I wanted to do was hang posters around the great metro area with her photo and vicious names printed. And I debated contacting her employer. She told me herself after I found out that she had an assessment done with a mental health professional and was referred to SAA; and I do not think that she should be allowed to work in her professional specialty as a Sex Addict.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New Mexico
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

However, what I wanted to do was hang posters around the great metro area with her photo and vicious names printed.

Love it !


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
Starfish4477
New Member
Member # 41360
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?
Well, my wife's AP was our neigbor. Gently, though, your neighbor can't "steal" your husband.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

The unprotected sex thing is so common, it is shocking. It was one of the most hurtful things of my H's affair. . .

Yes, SM -- her kids were some of my son's best friends, and the younger one was my favorite kid, ever. I used to joke with my son that if it didn't work out with him, I'd just go adopt this little boy; he loved me (and my H, actually) too. It was one of my biggest losses.

My son was 9 on dday, and he knows he can associate with their kids outside of our homes (at b-day parties, other friend's houses, etc.) but that we aren't friends with the family any more. He is very sharp and emotionally astute, and wonders and asks often what happened. He has also noticed that OBS is friendly and waves to him and me, but AP has snubbed him a couple of times. (I could literally slap her for that -- who would be so awful to a child? A narcissistic P.O.S, that is who.) So, he has the sense that it had to do with her, and I am just leaving it at that.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:29 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Can't say I'm thrilled to be joining this club, but I am so grateful to have found this forum. Thank you all for being brave enough to contribute!

We live in a small town and our family and OW's family spent a lot of time together. We have a lot of mutual friends, almost all of whom we introduced them to since they are relatively new to the area. It's the classic double betrayal story with all of the accompanying manipulation and it's all fresh and raw enough for me that I am still an emotional pinball on a daily basis.

I so badly want to be able to turn to my friends for support, but I can't decide if it's worth having to defend my choice to try to R, or worth all the pitiful looks I know I will get every time I go to buy a carton of milk (news travels fast around here). Mostly, though, I'm afraid of the possible effect a confession could have on my children. They are too young to really understand anything specific that might be said in their presence, but they are smart and they definitely read emotions. People are starting to notice and think it's a little strange that OW/XBFF and I are NC (previous to dday we texted daily and spent a lot of time together), so it may soon be a moot point, but:

How many of you told mutual friends? How many of you kept the A secret? How do you feel about that decision now?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

It's obviously your choice, since you are thinking of R.

However, it is not YOUR SECRET to keep. Secrets fester inside and will eventually eat at you.

By you keeping the secret and not open up to your REAL friends for support, you are thinking of him first, not you. You need to heal, you need support. Besides, a little shame on your husband, won't do him any harm.

I can honestly say, that if it wasn't for me opening up, I don't know if I could of survived this without going crazy. Everyone that knew OW, knew that's who STBXH had affair with.

Too bad if he's embarrassed when he sees mutual friends. That's his burden to carry, not yours. And do not let anyone tell you to "get over it". Only people that have gone through this, specially double betrayal, really "Get it".

If you need to talk anytime just PM. You will survive this. You are stronger than you think.


~~When people show you who they are believe them ~~ Maya Angelou

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jan 2013
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Thanks, Jackie89.
I cried reading your response, not because of your advice but because it is so amazing to be able to talk about this with people who have been through it. Thank you for that.

You're probably right about me protecting him on some level. Unhealthy, I know. The kids (mostly mine but hers too, honestly) are a factor though. Food for thought.

I never thought I would still be learning who I was at this point in my life (or that the learning curve could be so steep).


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

OneFootFirst

Initially I didn't want ANYONE to know , I felt humiliated by the actions of my X BFF
but when her husband found out , he told a few of his close friends which ment that friends of ours knew and we became a bit of gossip , but at least we are not getting invited to the same party's !
I chose 1 close friend to confide in and she has been my rock.

You will feel so much better to have a support person.


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Yep, littleflower-- I think that's kind of where I am now and why I finally decided to stop lurking and post. I don't want to burden anyone else with a secret, although I know I have not personally felt burdened by friends' confessions in the past. Logic is maybe not my strong suit at the moment!

BTW, your "stupid slapper" comment earlier in the thread killed me. Is there a way to set up an automated call for that type of thing?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Automated - now I hadn't thought of that

I also liked someone's idea of putting poster up in their area
I was thinking maybe
Unwanted posters that they would see on their drive to work ....


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

jackie89


However, it is not YOUR SECRET to keep. Secrets fester inside and will eventually eat at you.

I have been thinking about your comment

I feel that it was their secret
Now I know , it's no longer a secret
Therefore any spell is broken and it's just action and consequence


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
threewords
New Member
Member # 42924
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

*sigh. I guess I'm part of this club too.

WH and I are both in the military. There is an unwritten rule that when a military member deploys, the other members of his or her unit should take care of the spouse-left-behind. Obviously, it is usually the men that deploy and their wives that are left behind. WH has always been an outgoing, charming, helpful, needs-to-be-liked kind of guy. When other members of his unit deployed, he would offer to babysit, put up Christmas lights, mow the lawn, repair sprinklers, whatever.

When one of his good friends deployed in 2012, he did the same for his friend's wife (the AP-to-be). WH brought me with him to help out - he would work in the yard while OW (his friend's wife) and I would talk and our kids would play together. I was pretty pregnant at the time and didn't mind relaxing with her while he worked - she and I got to be incredibly close. As time passed, the three of us would go out together for dinner, drinks, etc. Being pregnant (and then later, having a newborn), I would usually go home after dinner and *very naively* insist that they stay out later. After all, I knew how hard it was to go home to all the kids with no help, and how lonely she was without her husband there. AGH. At the time, another friend of mine even suggested to me how suspicious it looked - I vehemently defended both WH and x-friend/OW.

This went on for over 6 months, until OWs husband returned from deployment. Even then, WH and OW (x-friend) kept it up. Then, it was WHs turn to leave. Of course OW told me she would help me in any way she could, as WH was scheduled to be gone for a year. I still had no clue. Eventually, OW's husband (WHs x-friend) found out. And then I found out. And life has been miserable since.

The worst parts (besides the obvious):

My kids. Desperately wanting to hang out with OWs kids. I hate that WH doesn't have to listen to them begging to go over to OWs. I had to lie and tell them they moved. Hopefully we never run into them around town.

The loneliness! I was totally counting on OW/x-BFF to keep me company and support me during my year as a single mom! And within a month of WH leaving, she is completely out of my life.

The embarrassment. WH and I both work in the same area. So does WH's x-friend (OW's husband). OWH has outed WH to everyone. Now, remember, WH is not here, but will be stationed back here in July. Everyone knows. It's going to be awful for him. And before anyone jumps in, no, I don't feel sorry for him, but I also know that he is not the only one to blame, and OW is getting off pretty easy in comparison.

And more embarrassment. The military's a small place. Many people have approached me after hearing grapevine stories, with that awful, pitying "are you ok?" I HATE IT. I have said there is a fine line between sympathy and pity, and while I appreciate support from my friends, there is nothing worse than people feeling sorry for you. Especially if they're really just looking to get in on the gossip. (And with the ridiculous sordid details that accompany this story, the gossip is impressive. I'm just not sharing with the nosy folks at work.)

Last thing - and this doesn't directly affect me, but it's notable anyway. When WH gets back, he will have to share an office with OW's husband. His x-friend. And co-worker. OWH approached me a few weeks ago to ask my advice on how to deal with things. I told him that at this point (D-day was 8+ mos ago), if I ran into OW (his wife), I would be able to walk on by. I'm not angry at her anymore. Could I work with her every day though? Sheesh. I don't know. WH Is unsure if he should talk to his x-friend (OWH), before he returns, or what. It's going to be messy.

This got a little long-winded. I guess I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.


Me - BS
Both in our 30s
Married 10 years
3 young children
Currently separated - he doesn't seem to want to reconcile

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?

I see that you removed a comment on your original thread in JFO, and that makes me worry for you. Double betrayal is hard, and the earliest days dealing with it can feel impossible.

I understand what you mean by trying to "steal".

A person close to you (friend, neighbor or relative) has a goal to get the attention of your Husband and to keep it. Combine that with their personal knowledge of you, your relationship, your schedule and they gain an advantage in manipulating opportunities to reach their goal. It becomes a bit of a game for them, to keep tabs on you, and you have no idea you are a pawn in this game.

All of this is done while we are completely unsuspecting. Add in a Spouse who either shares a similar goal or who is just willing, and we are in for a world of hurt when we do find the truth.

It *feels* like something was being stolen from you, because something WAS being stolen. But it wasn't your spouse, it was the truth, and your ability to discern between deception and reality. The truth was being replaced by illusion, and duplicity, in order to keep you from having control over your own life.

The first way to "deal" with this, is to take care of you. The basics of eating and drinking and attempting to sleep. I know that the thoughts of neighbor/friend and what feels like a personal attack on our lives can take over our thoughts. IC (individual counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity) can help you deal with the devastation and emotional upheaval.

Because of the very personal nature of double betrayal, social entanglements, and proximity can complicate how we can best handle the situation. Some people move, if they can't handle the proximity and are able. Some people expose the AP on a large scale, to free themselves from the burden of the secret and awkward exchanges, of not knowing who knows what. Some choose to keep the secret and attempt to portray a "life goes on as normal" approach. It really depends on what kind of a person you are and what you need to heal. It depends on whether or not you and your H have a desire to Reconcile (R).

Double betrayal feels like a personal attack on our well being.

And for this reason, your personal healing and well being is consideration number one.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 4:39 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

A person close to you (friend, neighbor or relative) has a goal to get the attention of your Husband and to keep it. Combine that with their personal knowledge of you, your relationship, your schedule and they gain an advantage in manipulating opportunities to reach their goal. It becomes a bit of a game for them, to keep tabs on you, and you have no idea you are a pawn in this game.

This is so true! My ex BFF saw my life and wanted it. And it made it worse that she knew everything about me. I was 26 weeks pregnant when it started. I was on bed rest from complications so no sexy times happening. I really don't think that my WH would've gone out seeking OW, but she waited for us to have a fight, then she invited him over to talk about it. She had gone with my to the next town over to buy liquor to get him drunk.

She saw that my WH is a good guy mostly, although I complained about stuff that bugged me as most women do to their BFF. So she used that against me. I told her that he was great in bed, and I think she wanted to try it for herself.

There was this one conversation that drives me nuts. We were going to the grocery store together, and she was asking me about my WH's old girl friends. I told her that he had one who smelled like fish after sex, and he would have to open the windows, I was laughing. She went and bought a bunch of douche stuff after that because she was worried she smelled. Skank. It never occurred to me that she was getting info because he was her new boyfriend. I feel SO STUPID! How could I not have guessed?

I feel like everyone was playing a game. Who can win the husband? Only, I didn't know we had started playing, so it wasn't fair. She got to put on her best face, and be great while I was feeling fat and unattractive. I feel like everyone was making fun of me behind my back.

And I can see why she did it. Her marriage was over. She has no morals ( she had tried to steal this other girls long term boyfriend at a wedding). And my life is pretty cushy. I stay home. I've never had to work, but my WH put me through college TWICE ( teaching degree and nursing degree) and I love children so my WH lets me have all the children I want and he's a great dad. He works hard and we have a nice income, and I have maids who come in so I really just get to play with my kids, and we homeschool so I have time to go on great field trips like a month at the beach. It's a great life, who wouldn't want it?

But HE was supposed to protect ME. That is the part I can't get over. That he was so weak, he would fall for the flattery.


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I am weighing in about telling people. . .
We are in the same circle of friends, and people not knowing has caused some angst on our part, and some potentially awkward social situations. We have also not gone to some things that we'd like to, as the other couple has, I am sure.

However, there are kids involved, and why cause scandal for them so we can avoid embarrassing social situations? I am not worried about protecting my husband, but our MC indicated that there is a difference in a secret, and privacy. As we get farther from dday, I am somewhat relieved that the worst moment in our marriage is not general knowledge in our small community. A few people know, but we tried to be judicious in who we told.

As begin to move away from feeling defined by the A, I am relieved that I don't have to be defined that way by anyone else.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Thanks for that, bionicgal.
Still haven't told anyone in town yet, but it is becoming apparent that at some point that will need to happen with a select few who are near and dear to us.
Me, the OW, and WH all serve(d?) on a nonprofit board together-- just had our first meeting since dday and I actually texted OW this afternoon to make sure she didn't plan to attend. Fortunately, the answer was "no" but she didn't clarify whether she was resigning from the board or not. I hate the thought of being in contact with her, but I might just have to suck it up if we are to coexist here.
Why can't they all just move cross country?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

I think it is very wise not to tell everyone. I did not take that route. I reached out to anyone who had ears. I was thinking that if the stats were true, surely someone would be able to tell me that they had been through it too and help me. But that didn't happen. Instead, people said things that ended up hurting me more like, " I would leave my H, you shouldn't stay with him". And made me feel like a lesser person for staying.

So, good for you to realize that keeping it under cover is the best thing.


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Freebygrace, I am sorry that was your experience. I did not get any advice of that nature. I was given no advice at all. But then my situation was different in that the exposure came in one big reveal.

I want to share my experience, not because I think you should do the same or believe the same, as I have done, but because keeping the secret is not the best option for everyone, namely me. There is no right way, in my opinion. There are pros and cons to both, and when I weighed them, I found myself on the other side of the coin.

My AP and subsequently my FWH were exposed on the grand scale. It was public. An article written by a reporter blew it open, and it was quite scandalous. I have a work ethic that was not shared by my publicly employed coworker, so when the issue was brought to light, I chose to speak out. It meant that they would both be exposed equally.

I don't have to worry about who knows what. I don't worry about which friend or faux friend is the information leak, or the one who secretly relishes in the pain of others. I have been the receiver of secrets others thought they had buried, and I knew that our family secret would be no different. I had been hurt by family secrets and made the decision that this was not going to be a secret and unknown source of future hurt for my children. Our family experience will not be a taboo topic.

They all know. And it was done with my permission. Gossip is unfortunately a part of life, and instead of them finding out through the game of telephone with all the twisted half truths, they were all given one story, from which they chose to form their opinions.

My real friends were easily sorted from those who were opportunistic. It was painful. I don't regret the knowledge I gained from that experience. It hurt, but I don't have to wait to learn who, is a friend of me, my children and my M. Including my FWH. He also had to endure the exposure. Had he not, I do not believe that I would have been able to offer R.

As awful as it was, it was a gift. I am free from the burdens of secrecy, which would have weighed heavily on me. I prefer knowing my enemies from my friends.

I really don't think I could sleep at night, if I had kept what I knew to myself.

I have been described as a "very private person" by many, before the A and since. Which is interesting when you consider the degree to which we were exposed. Yet I still feel private. What everyone else knows now, is equal to what they knew then....only what I allowed. They know my husband cheated, they know I took him back, they know the identity of one AP. That's it. The rest is speculation. My real friends, expected the best of me. My fake friends were waiting for a reason to hate me. Both found their reasons, and I in turn found their true motivation.

Through this I learned a great lesson. Your (general you) secrets aren't safe with me, if they conflict with my moral compass. I will not/can not keep them. I'd rather be hated then carry them around. For those who have secrets I am a horrible friend, but I am honest about it. For those who are honest, I am loyal.

I honestly don't regret this. "The truth shall set you free" resonates with me deeply.

This does not mean I don't respect the decision made by others to maintain a sense of privacy, or disclosure to a small group. I respect that each of us must decide in relation to our world view. I do respect that. I just know that I acted in accordance to my belief system and because of that....I sleep well at night.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Just venting. I've slipped back to feeling a lot of anger and hurt over the double aspect of the betrayal. I should preface this by saying H is now for the most part being wonderful. Sensitive, in IC and MC, going to a men's support group, reading, trying to connect, everything. But I'm really struggling with the mindf*ck of it all. And some days I am sick looking at him. Like get the F away from me. During the A I know that he was in a complete fog, had demonized me and our M, things weren't great pre-A, but... I can't shake that personal attack feeling. The OW was very underhanded. She faked a friendship with me and from the get-go set her sights on my H. My H obviously was not innocent either and made the choice to betray me.

As far as my H and I have come in the last few months though, I can't shrug off this feeling of being ganged up on of this being a personal attack somehow (my MC does agree that it was to a degree). OW clearly was getting off on "stealing" my H (I know you can't "steal" someone, but this was very much a competition in her eyes), came to my home and spent evenings with just me and my H, asked me "as a friend" to watch her children overnight, went out with me on girl nights, would tell me she was going to buy new sexy underwear since she was recently separated--all the while she is sleeping with my H. My H said he doesn't know why he didn't tell her to back off, to stop pursuing hanging out with me. He knew he was uncomfortable with it, but he just allowed her to steamroll me. He says he was angry at me bc of our pre-A M issues and my thinking is that he may have been getting off on this cunning way of putting me down, of knowing that he and OW had power over me that I was clueless about.

I'm having a really tough time with this lately. The personal aspect of the double betrayal is such a huge sticking point for me. I feel such hot anger about it sometimes, my face gets all red and my hands clammy.

The disconnect between who my H is now and who he was then is so huge. I almost feel like the collusion between the 2 of them is worse than the sex. Does that make sense?

I'd love to hear your experiences about how you've overcome or dealt with feeling stuck b/c of a double betrayal. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this.

Feeling lost.


BW: me (39)
WH: 44
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2014
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Ugh. For me, the collusion, as you call it, is absolutely what I spend most of the time being angry about. The lying, the sex, the way he acted towards me during the A, those things hurt. They make me sick and sad. But that relationship they both concealed so well despite being in near constant contact with me? That BURNS.

Maybe it's a good thing they deleted their FB chat history (literally thousands of messages over a 6 month period, most of which were sent while I sat on the couch 15 feet from WH's computer), because it would probably make me homicidal to read it. They probably messaged during our kids' play dates.
I see it less as a personal attack than a really fucked up head game. May you never have another "friend" like her.
Sending virtual hugs and the strength to focus that anger, V12.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
Furious1
Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

I would like to introduce myself. I am Furious1.

Six months ago, WH confessed to a three year affair with my sister along with 4 other affairs. The full story is in my profile.

My sister is a year older than me. Although we grew up together, we grew up very differently. I was the family scapegoat and suffered extreme and intense abuse. She was the golden child who could do no wrong.

She was just as much one of my abusers as anyone else in my family. When I was four, she cut off my thumb just because she could. I use to have to stand and face the wall so that she could jump off of the furniture and kick me in the back of the head, smashing my face over and over until she got bored. My face carries many scars from that and much more. My mother rewarded her for abusing me.

At the best of times, I was her servant. She never failed to remind me that she was better than me.

When I moved back to my hometown as an adult, my sister was always at my house. I thought she was trying to turn over a new leaf and have an adult relationship with me. Boy, was I wrong. WH started an affair with her before he could even unpack. It continued until my morally bankrupt sister was arrested for dealing drugs out of her house.

Until recently, I never told my husband about my childhood abuse. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. It just hurts that WH hooked up with my monster of a sister. Anyone else on the planet would hurt bad enough, but to choose HER?

When we were teenagers, I would never date anyone who had been attracted to her, let alone involved with her. I knew what a mean, selfish person she was and I had to question the type of man who was attracted to that. I would never give them the time of day once they had anything to do with her.

Now I'm married to one. Their A happened years ago, but I just found out about it six months ago. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

I'm not a dog, but she is truly ugly from the inside out. It turns my stomach to think about it.

I have worked so hard to be a better person than the family I was raised in. I raised both my kids and hers (the state took them away because she was abusing them the same way she abused me growing up). I worked hard and earned everything I have without any help from anyone ever (including my WH). I have been a faithful, loyal, and devoted wife and mother. I didn't deserve this.

WH is now being wonderful. It would be so much easier if he was still being a selfish jerk like he has during our entire marriage. I would just divorce him without a second thought if he were.

We are trying to R, but the problem is that I just don't know if I love him anymore. He is trying to rekindle that love, but I don't know if that's even possible.

WH has had 4 other affairs. He even has an OC with OW#1 that is the same age as our daughter (3 months apart). Even so, the one with my sister is the one that hurts the most.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD26 from his 1st M. DS21 from my 1st M. DD17 (autistic), OC18 (S), OC17 (D)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14). True R: 12/24/14
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, April 14th (Monday)

(((Furious1))) I am so sorry for the pain that you've endured. Your sister? That is so despicable. I can't imagine dealing with this level of betrayal.


We are trying to R, but the problem is that I just don't know if I love him anymore.

This is totally understandable. For many the affairs and the betrayal are truly a dealbreaker. My XWH wasn't interested in R, but I really doubt that I could've done it. I think it would've been a dealbreaker for me.

Wishing you the best as you navigate this.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7970 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Hey there DBies

I just can't get the OW out of my head - I keep wondering what happened 10 months ago that she would throw my friendship out the window ?
the last time they met in the park WH told me that the OW had been talking about how she loved me and my kids , WTF !

It's really been messing with me - that I can now see how false her actions were for those 6 months that the A lasted

I want to know if this happens to you all - and if
Stew about the EXBFF ?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I have days where I stew. The AP in our case said in her apology that she had always "adored and admired me." Ha! Jealous of and competitive with me, is more like it. (Mainly jealous of me and my husband's relationship, but also I do for a living what she'd like to do.) But of course, I had no idea. Never thought she was competition, and I let a lot of odd stuff fly because I liked her.

Also, when H told her he loved me, she said, "I love Bionicgal, too!" The very thought of it makes me laugh in amazement.

So yes, I have days. She seems to be trying to cultivate friendships with other friends of mine (for what reason I cannot fathom), so she's just gonna hang around the edges I am afraid until she finds another man to fluff up her tail feathers. I think she is looking for an exit affair, and no doubt she'll find it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:54 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Furious1--- thank you for sharing your story. I'm also part of this club nobody wants to be part of. Your message of hope & inspiration made me cry this morning. I feel like you when you mentioned that you will not live like you used to. I feel like you read my mind.
Hugs to you

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

I am feeling strong today so just wanted to (virtually) share a little of that extra strength with everyone and to thank you all for sharing your stories. By sharing your pain you are helping so many people feel a little less alone. Hugs.


BW: me (39)
WH: 44
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2014
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Veronique,
I feel just like you. Everything you wrote describes my feelings exactly. My WH is being nice now. I couldn't ask for more. But how can I get past the fact that he plotted and planned against me?

I am particularly stuck on the fact that he allowed her into the delivery room while I was having our baby. I thought she was my true blue friend so I wanted her there, but he knew that she was really tricking me. Why didn't he tell her to back off? Why didn't he protect me?

The OW in my case also was set on stealing my WH. She did everything to lure him away. She bought him alcohol that I had driven her to buy. I thought she just wanted a little booze to ease the pain of her own divorce, but no she wanted to lower his inhibitions so she could steal him. I'm SO stupid.

My Wh also says he was angry at me, and the OW confirmed that she felt that he was just trying to " pay me back". For what I am not sure. He had bought a motorcycle without discussing it with me, and I was upset about it. So, because I got upset, I deserved to be cheated on?

I don't know how to get past it. It's been 14 years and it just keeps popping back up.

I feel like I am getting closer and closer to divorce. I think the only way to get over it is to end the relationship. I'm just so sad I've wasted so much of my life trying to heal from this, and I just can't heal.


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
chefwifie
New Member
Member # 43187
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

I have no one to talk to anymore. =( The OW was my supposed best friend. I don't make friends that easily -- or rather, I don't trust people easily. Now I have no one to talk to about all my hurt inside.

My WH asks me why I cry over her when he talks what his book is saying. He says I have to deal with a double betrayal. And then I started to cry. He didn't understand why I cried. He knows that I was starting to have a few worries about her and some patterns I was beginning to notice. He doesn't understand why I would be upset when I thought she was using people -- maybe me included.

But she was my friend before all of this. I only had her that I could cry to. I cried to her about my WH. I cried to her and told her all I wanted was for him to want me/appreciate me and I didn't believe he did. I don't know how she could stand to call herself my friend and let me cry to her while she was sleeping with my WH.

This hurts. =(

[This message edited by chefwifie at 10:07 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]


me: 34, mad hatter. EA in 2005. I broke it off.
wh: 39, EA + PA
DD 1 - Feb 1, 13, EA that was progressing to PA.
DD 2 - Apr 17, 14, PA, double betrayal
incredible, sensitive, smart, and beautiful boy: 11

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2014
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

I'm sorry. I know what you're going through. The 2xB situation is so incredibly painful because not only are you betrayed, but you are also robbed of a vital part of your normal support system.

It. truly. fucking. sucks.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

(((chefwifie)))

It really does suck. Something that helped me was finding a DivorceCare group. I was able to talk to people in real life about what I was going through. Like SI, there is no judgment there.

I had a double-betrayal related trigger tonight that left me in tears. It was unexpected and painful. My DD was looking for some old pictures, and she couldn't find any of the older files on the computer, so I sat down to find the oldest pictures. Well, we started looking through them, and I found myself overwhelmed with feelings of loss and grief.

Seeing the smiling faces, the happy times, celebrations, vacations....everything he so willingly threw away. It was emotional. Adding to the pain is the fact that OW and her family is in so many of the pictures.

It wasn't always happy, happy, and thinking of the not-so-great times toward the end helped get me out of the funk tonight. Well, that and the wise-counsel of an SI friend.

Hugs to you all.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7970 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Woundedby2--- I too have photo albums full of pics with the OW and her kids. I've destroyed most of them but that includes pics that my kids were in. It's so painful that so many memories are tainted by her. How could a woman want another woman's husband? She wanted my husband to leave us for her? How could I not see the evil in her? I feel so stupid & blind.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I'm in the same boat as a lot of you. Photo albums, wedding pictures, etc., all tainted because of the OM and of course, my wife.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
HoldingTogether
Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I actually had our wedding album taken back to our original photographer(coincidentally the same photographer OM and his BS had used for their wedding. Not germane to this story but an interesting little factoid none the less) to have him excise all traces of OM and his BS from the album.

Wasn't easy since that fucktard was one of my groomsmen. Took some pretty creative photoshop work and we lost a few pictures entirely. Still though it was worth every damn penny to have it done. Just knowing that his pictures were in there had me right on the edge of throwing my wedding album on a fucking bonfire.

He's gone from it now thankfully, but I still haven't really looked through that album since the thorough inspection I gave it when it came back from the photographer....

So clearly it was only partially effective. Wouldn't really say it made the whole thing a distant memory for me or anything. Still glad I did it. One of these days I hope to be able to look through that album and not feel pangs of anger and humiliation. Knowing he isn't in there should certainly help with that.

HT


You keep waiting for the dust to settle, and then you realize... This is it, that dust is your life going on.

Posts: 673 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

One of these days I hope to be able to look through that album and not feel pangs of anger and humiliation.
This. One of the little 'extras' of the 2xB situation is a healthy dose of humiliation that comes along with having intertwined social circles, shared history, etc....it makes the 'mental NC' aspect of the affair 1000x more difficult, because not only are there constant reminders everywhere...but when you suddenly stop having a relationship with someone you previously were close with...people notice.

And ask how that person is doing.
And ask questions.
And whisper.
And eventually draw their own conclusions.
And wonder aloud "How did this happen right under their nose? How didn't they know? *I* would know."

I hatehatehate the fact that plenty of great memories feel 'tainted' by his presence.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Ascendent---- yes! I've gone through the same thing... People asking me how OW is doing...
So humiliating... So shameful...
In my case there were rumors that something was going on between my WH & OW. I asked my husband but in the back of my mind that was so ridiculous! Why would he be with her???? OMG.... It's too much sometimes. So many memories shared and now tainted.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, May 4th (Sunday)

I finally told two of my friends about the A. One was stunned, and the other, when I revealed who the OW was, looked crestfallen, then shook her head, covered her mouth with her hand, and said "I knew it." Both have been magnificently supportive and sweet and wonderful and I owe another round of thanks to everyone here who told me I would feel better knowing I had someone to talk to. I do. The cat may leap out of the bag altogether one of these days in some way over which I have no control, but I'm not so afraid of it now.

I made so many decisions (or avoided making them) based on what I thought WH's reaction would be, what effect they would have on him. Knowing he was making so many decisions without any thought to their impact on my life has been pretty painful. I'm beginning to see now just how detrimental it is to live your life at either extreme. I have bad days (yesterday was one: OW broke NC. Screw you, you needy, backstabbing bitch!), but on the good days I can take advantage of the opportunity I have to build a strong, honest marriage and I am determined not to waste it.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
isthismynewlife
Member
Member # 43292
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 5th (Monday)

My husband had a 16 month EA/4 month PA with my friend/neighbor who lives directly across the street. We've been close friends for over 6 years, our families doing so much together (both families have 3 kids) even vacationing together. WH and OW are both in education and have holidays and summers off. They spent lots of time together with all the kids and that is where this all started. She started sharing her marital problems (our husbands were also friends)and her pill/alcohol issue with my WH. Asked him not to tell me because she was too embarrassed (big red flag for most people, but not my H). It progressed from there until the L word dropped 8 months later. To be able to spend more time together the two of them kept planning all these great things to do together with our families. So many memories of what were good times are now ruined for me. I found out on Thanksgiving when I looked at his text messages. I confronted him immediately (he was at her house hanging out and watching football with OBS). That he would betray me this way, and she (who I thought was my friend and had talked to her about how my H was pulling away from me)did too is still so hard to believe. I have to see her on a daily basis as she is right across the street. I,of course, received the TT, and finally (due to my snooping in his email) found out that it was a PA 2 weeks after the initial DDay. OBS is aware of the EA but not the PA. I have come a long way since DDay, the sight of her no longer brings on panic attacks and i have managed a couple of conversations (one was just to confirm details my H gave me). There has been NC since Dec 7 between the two of them. WH took a couple months to come out of the fog, but he is now working so hard to help me. I am in IC, but due to a bad experience as a child he will not attend any MC or IC. Each day is a new experience, and I never know where I'll be. I will have some good days, but the bad still out number the good. Some days I just hope for a few good hours. Reading everyone's story on here has been really helpful. I have only told one friend (who had been thru a similar thing and managed to R) and have truly felt so alone. I can't tell my family - they would never be able to get past it if we are successful in R. It is so nice to have a safe place to tell my story.


Me 42 BS
Him 42 FWS
DDay #1 11/28/13 - 7 months EA/a little PA with my supposed friend.
DDAy #2 8/25/14 - oops - did I forget to mention that it was a 15 month PA/EA? He thought the first version would hurt me less.
Things are improving daily!

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

(((Isthismynewlife)))
Sorry you find yourself here - our stories are similar. We were also friends with them around 6 years, but close really only the last 2. It has been almost 11 months since dday, and we are right in the middle of affair season. It stinks, but we are getting better every day. In my H's case the A was only 2 months, but my understanding is that they usually go on about 2 years.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. It is tricky and painful when there are kids, and friends, involved. I particularly miss the OBS, and worry for him, as I think the AP is somewhat unremorseful from what I have seen. (She feels bad about it, but in a self-serving way.)

I am so sorry you are right across the street. . we live a few blocks away and that even feels too close!


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

We never sat down and did an official NC letter. WH cut off all contact with (XF)OW on Dday, "unfriending" her, removing her from his contact lists, blocking her # on his phone. That seemed to do the trick, but she has contacted him (and forwarded me the e-mail with an additional note just for lucky me) and e-mailed me directly twice this month. She wants an apology from WH, since she feels she was manipulated and used.

HAHAHAHAHA. Like I am going to suggest to him that he apologize to her, a willing AP. Nope. She also claims she has tried writing a sufficient apology to me, but nothing seems right. No shit.

Do we now, 2 1/2 months out, send a letter? We both feel like any kind of response to her contact would open the door for her to respond again, and it seriously takes me a week minimum to stop walking around in a haze of fury every time I hear from her.
Also, the only e-mail address I have for the OBH is his work e-mail, or I would have forwarded all the e-mails to be sure he knew she had contacted us. It felt inappropriate to send them to his work e-mail. I could text him to ask if he knows, but is that just picking at scabs? How fucked up is it that I feel like a tattle-tale?
I think maybe I know the answer, that I would want to know from him if WH had made contact, but I'm still torn. OBH is not a super rational person. Let your wisdom rain down upon me, SI gurus.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

If she hasbeen cut off , just leave her be.

I recently ended up having contact with the AP and it set me back weeks !


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, May 25th (Sunday)

Thanks, littleflower. I feel like I keep asking the same sort of question (in slightly different context) over and over. One more vote for leaving it alone is all I need.
I'm sorry about your recent contact. OW has pretty much been hiding out since Dday, so the face to face hasn't happened yet for me even though we live in a small town. My heart goes out to those who have to see these people on a regular basis. Ugh.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, May 26th (Monday)

one thing I did get from contact with the OW was that , yes , she truly is a nut bar .
Hope the OW stays in hiding for you , or even better, she moves away ! :)


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
MakingMyFuture
Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 26th (Monday)

Re: making contact, outside of informing her husband I initially made no contact (they are temporarily out of US but with the long term goal of moving back). When I found out 5 months after D-day that 2 months earlier they had talked on the phone a few times (so my WH could apologize for ruining her life (WTF?!?) and commiserate on how difficult the BS's were making things for them I had HAD IT! I set up a temp email account and emailed her with a cc to ABH explaining how she had betrayed me and making it clear that if she had any contact or I even heard in the future that she was in the same county I would publish the nasty photos and videos of her masturbating so any woman she comes into contact with in the future will know exactly what kind of friend she is.

I took the high road and left out the part about her being a nasty whore and the only reason I didn't go 'Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' on her and get it permanently inked on her forehead was out of respect for her BH and children...something she is clearly lacking.

Then I deleted the account. I felt much better and re-reading that email still gives me comfort. There is nothing to be gained from confronting directly as no apology will suffice and it would just give AP an oppty to hurt you more...something they have already shown they are capable of doing.


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 43 (me) WH: 42 (him)
DD-13, DS-11
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 4/15


Posts: 541 | Registered: May 2014 | From: NorCal
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, June 8th (Sunday)

MMF, aren't BSes just the WORST? Making things difficult indeed. Ppthht.

WH butt-dialed OW twice yesterday before he realized what had happened (he has her # in his phone so he can block her calls). She's since been buried at the end of his contacts list to avoid a repeat, but I bet that threw her whole weekend off.

lf, I would say "you have no idea how happy I'd be if she moved," but I think you probably have a very good idea!

Thanks to all once again for being awesome. Been feeling pretty isolated lately despite being very busy. It helps to check in here and be reminded what a good support system this is.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 12th (Thursday)

My H made the NC phone call to end it with OW without me being there, which caused some friction to say the least. After that call, she tried to contact my H at least 1/month for 4 months. We discussed that he should not respond at all to her, b/c I was afraid that any response would open a can of worms. But finally, after her last attempt, I couldn't take it anymore. Who the hell did this person think she was? I needed her to go the eff away and she needed to know that. We wrote up an NC text together, sent by him, which was much more direct and harsher than his phone call to her. That seems to have done the trick.

For your situation, my vote is that if she sends another note to you or WH, respond and tell her that if you hear from her ever again, you're forwarding the emails directly to her BH. Who cares if you seem like a tattle tale (which you don't)? She doesn't want to go quietly, but she needs to for you to heal. Do what is right for you.


BW: me (39)
WH: 44
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2014
isthismynewlife
Member
Member # 43292
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

Odd part of the double betrayal for me - at times I tend to forget she's not my friend anymore. Just little stuff like a rep I deal with gave me a bottle of wine. WH isn't a wine drinker and every other time I've been given wine I'd call my former friend and we'd get together and share it. So when it happened recently my brain automatically went to "oh I'll call *bitch* and we can share it". Then came the hell no reaction, then anger at my WH for choosing my friend of all the freakin people in the world to F*** around with, then the hurt. I can't wait until I'm far enough out that the first "friend" I think about in a happy situation is not her! This happen to anyone else? So frustrating.


Me 42 BS
Him 42 FWS
DDay #1 11/28/13 - 7 months EA/a little PA with my supposed friend.
DDAy #2 8/25/14 - oops - did I forget to mention that it was a 15 month PA/EA? He thought the first version would hurt me less.
Things are improving daily!

Posts: 260 | Registered: Apr 2014
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 18th (Friday)

My WW affair #1 was a Double. With a good friend and x-family member by marraige.

It was so sick and twisted, only Satan himself (not his henchmen) could have conceived and carried out this most horrible and gross affair.

hold on...

Sorry about that, the thought 13 years later is truly disgusting.

Thank God for his Grace in surviving that without taking my own life to escape the madness.


STEP (BS) - too many DDays, TT and non-disclosure continue - WW is considering chasing her dreams with D or R.
"Cheating is so rampant it has become a sign of how mentally unwell and immature our society is".

Posts: 1922 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 25th (Friday)

Isthismynewlife:

Odd part of the double betrayal for me - at times I tend to forget she's not my friend anymore. Just little stuff like a rep I deal with gave me a bottle of wine. WH isn't a wine drinker and every other time I've been given wine I'd call my former friend and we'd get together and share it. So when it happened recently my brain automatically went to "oh I'll call *bitch* and we can share it". Then came the hell no reaction, then anger at my WH for choosing my friend of all the freakin people in the world to F*** around with, then the hurt. I can't wait until I'm far enough out that the first "friend" I think about in a happy situation is not her! This happen to anyone else? So frustrating.

I am now 4 years and almost 2 months out and this improves. To save you from having to read my profile, OW and I had been BFF's since we were about 2. Our parents were great friends and we did everything together. This lasted into adulthood, she was my maid of honor and my second daughter has her middle name.

28 year friendship as I found out a couple months after I turned 30.

Anyway, she still comes up in my mind about wanting to call, or text, or get together and go to lunch/shopping. However, it is easily dismissed. I have also started friendships in the past two years, though very guarded and not nearly as close as OW and I were, but I do have people to text and occasionally call.

But, mostly, I am my own best friend. Losing her and having my husband betray me actually made me work hard in IC to be content within myself. I was someone who looked for validation everywhere but within, and now I do the opposite. It has been freeing and gives me a sense of relief. Even 4 years out, I still go to IC. My fWH started IC about 2 weeks ago after years of encouragement.

All that to say, it does get better. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Myheartstillhurt at 1:43 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


BS(me) 34
fWH 38 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2018 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

My FWW's OM was a friend of mine. She met him before I did as they worked together. Later I worked with him and instantly we got along as we had certain common interests. He always used to say how his wife wasn't into this and that and me and FWW were. I never really caught on to it but he envied me. In hindsight I can see it now. (20/20).

He's a good guy. Nice guy, but he's got a hidden demon. I miss him as we used to talk lots. But what he did just baffles my mind. How can he do this? Even if he's always had feelings for my wife, she's MARRIED and he's MARRIED.

Just a few weeks ago my wife revealed to me that he had been flirting with her since 2007 and probably before that too. She stopped him at one point and then he stopped. Looks like he was always after her. Freak'n DOUCHE!


BS - Me 46 WS - Her 44 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: Separated possible divorce.

Posts: 1702 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

My FWW's OM was a friend of mine. She met him before I did as they worked together. Later I worked with him and instantly we got along as we had certain common interests. He always used to say how his wife wasn't into this and that and me and FWW were. I never really caught on to it but he envied me. In hindsight I can see it now. (20/20).
He's a good guy. Nice guy, but he's got a hidden demon. I miss him as we used to talk lots. But what he did just baffles my mind. How can he do this? Even if he's always had feelings for my wife, she's MARRIED and he's MARRIED.

Just a few weeks ago my wife revealed to me that he had been flirting with her since 2007 and probably before that too. She stopped him at one point and then he stopped. Looks like he was always after her. Freak'n DOUCHE!

This all holds true for me, as well.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Ascendant - Sorry to hear. Glad I am in good company.


BS - Me 46 WS - Her 44 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: Separated possible divorce.

Posts: 1702 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

So much for hoping they would just move away when their lease was up. OW/XBFF and her BH are buying property two driveways down from the only family we have living in the area.

Logically I know the anger is unhealthy. I know I'm letting her live rent-free in my head. I know, I know, I know. But I am so angry right now.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

(((OneFootFirst)))

At least you're getting out some of your anger at something you can't control, instead of holding it inside and letting it eat you up.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love. Whorena The Cumdumpster pretended to be my friend the entire time as well. I'll take an enemy any day of the week.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
ukerzouker
New Member
Member # 44607
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, September 11th (Thursday)

I'm still very close to D-Day, only about three weeks out. While not my very best friend, the OW was the friend I probably would have turned to had it not been her.

She and I had so much in common, and in fact she was the first person I told when my WH and I started dating.

I think what makes it hard is that I can work through my feelings with my husband, but I can't with her. I told her on D Day that I was no longer her friend and she needed to leave me alone. A week later when she tried to contact him via email, he sent it to me without replying.

I think that's the hardest part to get over. It's like I didn't even exist for her anymore. This woman I loved and cared for for years, and I was nothing compared to someone she'd been cheating on her husband with for two months. I was nothing to her, how could I be for her to do this to me and then betray me all over by trying to initiate contact.

And despite all of this, I miss my friend. Or at least the friend I thought I had. The friend I know I had at one point.


BW (me) - 32
WH - 34
Married 12/28/2013, together since 3/2010
D-Day 8/19/2014, EA since 4/1/2014
In R but still taking trips to Trigger Town

Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
UnwiseOne
Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 13th (Saturday)

My first post:

Two weeks ago WH confessed in the afternoon. He had to, because my BFF apparently had confessed that morning to her husband. The A was only one time ( about 6 hours previous to the Confession), and they didn't have sex, but if they hadn't been caught by police, they would have had sex.

I am so raw. Our families have been friends for about 20 years. OW was not only my best friend, but my only friend. I'm an introvert. I prefer to keep my social circle small. She and I have children the same age - older teens/young 20s. I am in shock. Every day is different. Some good- some bad. I miss her terribly.

After WH confessed, I wanted to disappear into a hole. Within a few hours, I had decided somehow, with God's strength, I was going to survive & I wanted my marriage to survive.

I texted with my best friend for about a week. I asked her to give me all the details- I needed to know. They'd been texting for probably a year, but the last month or so, they had both crossed the line & the texts became sexual. Her husband came over to my house and eviscerated WH with his words, telling him he was no longer welcome at their house...blah blah blah. I almost called the police because I thought if might get physical.

Her husband has been so cruel to my BFF since she confessed. He is abusing her psychologically and it scares me. I think he might actually break her mind. In spite of this betrayal, I still love her.

WH and I have been experiencing the so-called hysterical bonding. It's been amazing. It's been horrific. It's my life right now. What planet am I on?


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (43) NotJamesBond
Married: 22 years in June
Children: 18, 20, 21
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA 2+ years), #3(LTA 18+ years), #2, and #1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
Working on R

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: On Planet WTF
UnwiseOne
Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 13th (Saturday)

We went to our second marriage counseling session today. I have so much hope for the future !

But as for me and my BFF/OW, the counselor pointed out how really messed up she is. By telling my story it's become apparent, she had been having issues before the day of the A. Her husband doesn't want us to have contact anyway, so I will not contact her. We said our goodbyes in a 2.5 hour phone call a few days ago anyway. Out of respect for her husband, I agreed to no contact. But, today I realized I needed the no contact for me and for my marriage.

I will miss her. But, did I ever really know her?


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (43) NotJamesBond
Married: 22 years in June
Children: 18, 20, 21
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA 2+ years), #3(LTA 18+ years), #2, and #1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
Working on R

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: On Planet WTF
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, September 13th (Saturday)

And despite all of this, I miss my friend. Or at least the friend I thought I had. The friend I know I had at one point.
This is really true, and really upsetting.

I still have moments where I think of something funny and who I'm going to tell about it and my mind goes to OM. Sucks.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 16th (Tuesday)

But, did I ever really know her?

This is where I finally got with the AP. We weren't BFF, but fairly close friends, and our families were close. It was very violating to say the least, as she used info from me to work her way in to my husband. I was totally blindsided.

You may find unwise one, that little things will start to come up in your memory that start to paint a different picture of your friend than what you thought. Sometimes things they do after dday contribute to this as well. I now see the AP as a deeply unhappy and narcissistic person, one who didn't care who she hurt to try to self-medicate herself. She is also a heavy drinker, so it was all really the same thing -- escape.

Hugs to you.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
UnwiseOne
Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, September 21st (Sunday)

There were so many warning signs that I ignored. Because my brain couldn't even comprehend that this was a possibility on this planet for my best friend and my husband to have an affair, I ignored the warning signs.

I have learned I need to trust my gut. The impossible is actually possible. :(

I still miss my friend. We had no contact for about five days now.


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (43) NotJamesBond
Married: 22 years in June
Children: 18, 20, 21
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA 2+ years), #3(LTA 18+ years), #2, and #1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
Working on R

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: On Planet WTF
Wiserallthetime
Member
Member # 44331
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

I definitely belong in this group, sad to say. (And probably long term A's, though I'll never know how long it has gone on.....and maybe NPD, as STBXWH seems to exhibit the signs....)

My STBXWH's AP was once thought to be my best friend of many years. We did so much together - church, dinners/lunches, holidays, vacations - we were practically "aunts" to each other's children. I have little to no understanding about my STBXWH having an affair and why; I have the same or less understanding of why one female would do this to another, and even less when the two are supposedly BFFs.... I mean, I would NEVER even think about doing such a thing - to ANY female! It simply wouldn't matter to me how much money the guy had (what I honestly think FBFFMOW is after here) or what he looked like or whatever... Fact is, any guy that is married but would still be interested in and pursue me in that way would make my stomach turn!!

She made it easy, though, to cut off things with her. Before I actually truly knew there was an affair, she was creating fights with me over "nothing" stuff. I took it in stride at first, without any true understanding of the background issue, but the fights tore apart and ended the friendship before I had the truth of her relationship with my STBXWH. I truly think she was ready to expose their relationship and STBXWH was not and she pushed the issue by her actions toward me. I think she was tired of hiding and wanted to begin their future together. (Yea, they seem to be planning one....) Unfortunately for her, both her divorce and our divorce is taking probably a lot longer than she thought to be final.

I comfort myself in remembering the things she won't ever have with STBXWH - she won't ever have being the first he ever asked to marry him; she won't ever have being the first bride he saw walk down the aisle to him; she won't ever be the first he said "I do" to; she won't ever have being the first to be introduced as "Mr and Mrs _________" with him; she won't ever have being there to celebrate his first promotion at work at his first job after college; she won't ever have being there for buying "our first car" or "our second car" or "our first house" or "our second house" or "our third house" and so on; she won't ever have being the one to give birth to his first three children; she isn't likely to ever have children with him at all; she won't ever have being there to help him through when his dad died; she won't ever have being there to start the company with little to nothing and growing it to the success it is now (though she may be the one to help destroy it at this rate); she won't ever be able to say she is the first to celebrate up to 23 years marriage with him (so far - divorce is taking so long it'll probably be at least 24 by the final); she won't ever be able to have been the first one to go to certain places with him, especially as husband and wife; she won't ever be able to escape nor lay claim to all the things my children with STBXWH will go through/accomplish as being "our child" doing it; and, last for me to list here, though there are many others, but absolutely not least, she won't ever be able to say he fell in love with her without him cheating on someone else in the process (well, not without lying anyway).


Posts: 220 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: southern US
ukerzouker
New Member
Member # 44607
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, September 26th (Friday)

Wiserallthetime: I'm so sorry you're going through this after 23 years.

Unwise/Bionicgal - I have also thought back over our friendship and realized how much of her flaws I glossed over. I met her because my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me with her, and we bonded over what an asshole he was. Another mutual friend's husband developed a serious crush on her, and I realize now she can't have been as blameless as she claims. Our circle of female friends was in an uproar a few years ago because of the way she flirted with their men.

I ignored all of it, deciding that she must be misunderstood. I see now that she is, to use a popular phrase in my social group, an attention whore. She doesn't care whether the attention she gets is meaningful or even appropriate.


BW (me) - 32
WH - 34
Married 12/28/2013, together since 3/2010
D-Day 8/19/2014, EA since 4/1/2014
In R but still taking trips to Trigger Town

Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: United States
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, September 27th (Saturday)

Isn't it striking how often the BS glosses over blatant red flags re the AP in a double betrayal situation? I was just thinking about that this morning, how OW's behavior was so outrageously obvious, even to the point that I had said how screwed up she seemed to my H the first time I met her, but instead I just took a live and let live attitude with her. Was I truly being tolerant or just lying to myself and too afraid to confront this person who was obviously a real jerk? I don't know.

I have always thought of myself as fairly tolerant of people's flaws, but I think that's because I have always put up a wall around me so that other people's flaws can't touch me. I let you in, but not too close, so whatever you want to do doesn't affect me, you know? I don't have many close friends and while that sometimes bothers me, I can completely see that it's by design. It really gets me that I could see OW was off, but I decided to hang out with her anyway and considered her a new friend. But my view of her wasn't positive, so what the heck was I doing hanging out with her? It's almost as if I was seduced by the idea of having a new friend to hang out with. I guess I can't blame myself too harshly, as I was manipulated by a liar, but it does make me wonder about my judgment.


BW: me (39)
WH: 44
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jan 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, October 5th (Sunday)

@veronique12
I've thinking along the same lines recently - that really I knew about all the OW's extra curricular activity
But as long as it didn't effect me I never really thought much about it
Only now when it's ripped my world apart do I realize how tolerant I was of behavior that I really don't agree with


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, October 5th (Sunday)

And then what vexes me
Is that only one other of my female friends was actually friends with her too
No one else could be bothered with her dramas


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 6th (Monday)

Isn't it striking how often the BS glosses over blatant red flags re the AP in a double betrayal situation?

YES
I think we believe that two people we consider friends (WS and AP) would never do something so cruel.

I saw flags but went into denial, it just could not happen, neither would do something so horrible.

Once out of the denial stage, and looking back over things, I realize the OW was always skanky, flirty with married men (friends of her H), and never taking any responsibility for her actions. I knew she had cheated on both her Hs but she always put the blame on them, never remorseful. I can't believe I listened to her complain endlessly about her H while she was screwing my H.


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago, with a "friend" of mine
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DDay)
DDay 12/2012
Married a long time, in R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Aug 2014
Wiserallthetime
Member
Member # 44331
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, October 10th (Friday)

Anybody here besides me have next to nothing in the way of acknowledgment of the A from their WS? As we are divorcing, I'll never have the truth I seek of the when and how and why and so on.... How do you heal without it? How do you figure out what was really the truth about your life? I mean, I'll never even know for sure when they crossed the line from truly a friendship to too intimate..... It makes me question things like when we started going on vacations together (both families), was it because of the two families being friends? or was it because the two APs couldn't stand to be away from each other that long? When he didn't come home as early as expected, was he with her instead? When he left me at home with the children, did he go to her? or did he go where he said he was going, alone? So much I wish I knew....

Anyone with words of wisdom other than "one day you'll find you just don't need it"? I am sure that is the case, but right now, I'm stuck with preferring I had those answers.....and feeling I really need them. I can't ask her or her BH, as there is an RO between us; I'm not sure she would tell the truth anyway, since she doesn't seem to know what truth is. I can't ask WH as he would either lie to hurt me or lie to "protect" himself (no, not me - that's not ever been his concern....).


Posts: 220 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: southern US
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

I have a small business, home office. H has a full time job, in sales and stops by house on occasion. A few months ago - something just felt off as I saw some emails on my assistants phone (who had become my BFF). She was letting him know she had bcc'd him on some emails, was trying to listen in on phone conversations and tell him what I was talking about. Very odd. I started looking more carefully whenever she left her phone around and then started looking on his. Something was very fishy, but I wasn't really sure what or why she was needing to share this type of "inside" information with him.

I kept watching looking - I became the darn FBI. Then I found some inappropriate sexual texts. There it was. But i was so scared maybe I was wrong, misconstruing something? So I set up my computer and left it on while I was away - I could hear her phone conversations while I was out of the office. She was definitely being manipulative and telling my husband things like "she gets info out of people by saying how bad your guys marriage is". I was enraged. I left for work at 8:30 am and turned on my computer. I could see it from my I pad from afar. Driving down the road for about ten minutes, I turned it on to see if anyone was there - and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine they would strip right down and do "the act" right smack in my viewing area. I had to pull over and throw up.

Its been about 10 days since I confronted them - I am still in shock and numb. Can't believe how I can be betrayed this way and how they both try to convince me that it was "just sex" and its done - and everything is cool. Somehow her husband didn't find out - and I am not pushing the issue as I think too highly of him as an upstanding guy and frankly am afraid of the danger my family would be in.

I feel so betrayed by all of the inside girlfriend talk / secrets confidant information I shared with her - that she used against me . I shut down anything either of them could access. H was horrified I would think he might be stealing or trying to hurt my business. Its been the worse ten days of my life. It almost feels like I am hit from every angle possible - my closest friend, my husband, and my right hand person at work. I am beside myself. I am glad i found this thread. Its been very helpful to read.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

wiserallthetime - I don't know what to tell you, but seeing it completely first hand was so alarming / scarring/ mind numbing - I wish I had not.

I honestly don't know which is worse.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
Wiserallthetime
Member
Member # 44331
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, October 14th (Tuesday)

Well, gang, the old saying of be careful what you wish for rings true once again.... It's still being verified, but it appears I may have some answers I was seeking I noted in my last post above. I'm still processing, and not totally accepting of this as truth yet, so I don't have a clue whether this is better or worse than not knowing. Actually, it may be opening up even more questions....sigh....

If this info proves true, then there are two important items of note:
One, STBXWH, who he is now, is who he always actually was, and who I thought I married was all a lie, a farce....That guy never existed, really.
Two, STBXWH has already has experienced for himself, done to him, some of what he has dished out to me.... Judging by the reaction he is said to have had, I doubt it has built any empathy in him, though. I doubt he has ever had any; it seems to me STBX is only and always all about STBX and no one else.

One other thing, if this info proves true, I definitely then belong to the LTA group, too - most definitely, unfortunately..... And I think of all those things I did for MOW/FBFF in that time...all those birthday and Christmas gifts, all that helping with her kids, with loved ones' funerals, and on and on and on.....all that stuff I confided in her she was likely "pillow talking" about with STBXWH the whole time, too.... How could I have been so blind?? Why did I not see it so much sooner?? Sigh....

Be careful what you wish for.....


Posts: 220 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: southern US
UnwiseOne
Member
Member # 44760
Sad  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 15th (Wednesday)

((Wiserallthetime))


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (43) NotJamesBond
Married: 22 years in June
Children: 18, 20, 21
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA 2+ years), #3(LTA 18+ years), #2, and #1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
Working on R

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: On Planet WTF
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 17th (Friday)

(((Wiserallthetime)))

I also go over every camping trip, every time we got together as families and as couples in my mind. Every time I wanted to do something with just us, but WH insisted we include them.

What the major consequence is that I now am having a hard time wanting to have any friends or do anything with another couple. I have major trust issues.

What happened with me was they both were gaslighting me. She was also lying to my WH about contacting me. She was making me look like a lunatic. I have no idea why. I think the whole reason she and I became friends was so she could be closer to my WH. I wonder if you can count a deep attraction and flirting as an EA. I mean if so the A was longer then 4 months. The physical and "I love yous" only went on for 4 months. They were attracted to each other, friendly and flirted for years however.

This sucks when the people you trust most and love the most betray you so completely and utterly.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
tlhyde
New Member
Member # 45280
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 18th (Saturday)

hey everyone...I am with you here....We were a group of 5 couples.....all of our friendships have been destroyed....no one trusts my WH and everyone hates the OW. They still want to be my friend but have continued to do things without us and this hurts me more. I am trying so hard to be positive and spend time with my family healing, but Facebook pics of them all having fun and carrying on without me hurt.

I saw her for the first time since I walked in on them yesterday driving in her van with her H. I gave her the finger...:( how mature eh....I was shaking so bad I could barely drive.

BS - 43 Me
WH - 39
OW - skanky ex BFF
married - 14 years
D-Day - March 19, 2014 (lasted 6 months) - walked in on them in by bedroom :(


Me - 43
Wh - 39
Married 14 years - 4 boys :)
D-Day March 19, 2014
TT- for 7 months....
PA - was 5 months with my xBFF now TT reveals is 13 months with my xBFF (the Monster)
R - OMG Please!!!

Posts: 40 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: canada
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 18th (Saturday)

I gave her the finger..
*giggles* I did the same thing. I turned my back as I was doing it. I felt good and ashamed all at the same time. Maybe immature, but it was a release and not harmful.

I would avoid FB and seeing things that hurt you. I actually left FB and all my friends behind. I am making new friends, but honestly it is so hard to make friends and it is noticeable to them that I hold back. I can't help it. I have been traumatized by a close friend and that kind of trauma you don't easily heal from.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
tlhyde
New Member
Member # 45280
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 18th (Saturday)

Thanks wolf heart....Ironically on my way home from a nearby town she drove by me again tonight.....she might think I am stalking her.....lol

I live in a town of 200 people and one is her.....our kids play hockey together and soon as hockey gears up I will have to deal with her and those people on a daily basis as I am a nurse here....not so easy to make new friends as everyone knows our business...

Its almost like I am waiting for Karma to do its thing before I can move on..

I too look at everytime she was here at my house and question my husband constantly over silly little things that don't even matter...they slept together I know this...why do I torture myself with wanting the details..just to punish both of us...and she gets off scott free...apparently laughing and carrying on in public....while I avoid public functions....It seems I am the only one still suffering

I almost want to know those details because then I can measure what he did and said to her against our 14 years together so I can reason why he's still here....even though if he wanted to be with her he would be right instead of dealing with me and the hurt he caused. Right???

He is doing and saying all the right things....why am I not feeling it? I want to but I think I am beginning to like being the victim....which is totally stupid and wrong on so many levels....I am still mourning the man I thought he was...I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN......and not think about this every two minutes..

BS - 43 Me
WH - 39
OW - skanky ex BFF
married - 14 years
D-Day - March 19, 2014 (lasted 6 months) - walked in on them in by bedroom :(
R - trying hard...


Me - 43
Wh - 39
Married 14 years - 4 boys :)
D-Day March 19, 2014
TT- for 7 months....
PA - was 5 months with my xBFF now TT reveals is 13 months with my xBFF (the Monster)
R - OMG Please!!!

Posts: 40 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: canada
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, October 19th (Sunday)

Of course you don't like being the victim. I know I sure don't. The deal is you trusted. Not only your WH, but a close friend. One you talked to about your WH. You told her things that she probably used against you. I am sure my WH's OW did. After all we had talks about lots of stuff over the 6 years of our supposed friendship.

I know how it is to feel like you are the only one suffering. I know I feel that way. I get told that the only time my WH thinks of OW is when I bring it up. So, I suppose I am not supposed to bring it up because it bothers him. I actually try not to because I can see his pain. Go figure. He causes this horror show and I am more concerned about his pain then mine. WHen the hell is someone going to be more worried about me and not him? I am sick and tired of catering to his moods. I need to break my people pleasing behavior. It is time for him to step up and be more concerned about me and my needs instead of his own.

Sorry, tangent there.

Anyway, you suffer more because you were the one betrayed. I think it is easier for them because all they have is regret and shame to deal with. We have to deal with our entire world being ripped away from us for something we did not do. Too bad you have to deal with her. We have stopped going to a group activity that was a major part of our lives due to this. It has changed who we all are, including my kids.

Good luck not ripping her head off when you see her at hockey practice. I can imagine the lovely fantasies involving her and hockey pucks you might have thought. How well can they imbed a skull I wonder? Yes, I have wicked thoughts. Good thing I never act on them.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 19th (Sunday)

tlyhyde,
I also shake when I see the AP. . . even when I think I am/will be fine. There is some pent up rage, there!

She works at a gym I go to, so I see her in passing every few weeks or so. We haven't gone eyeball to eyeball since d-day 15 months ago, but we run in the same circles, so a run-in is inevitable. (Most of our friends do not know.)


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, October 19th (Sunday)

finding out that my BFF, also my employee and H were engaged in an A for 1.5 years - I am just in total shock. All of the things I shared with her, all of the things I shared with her, all the things I helped her with - all the while paying her.

I am just sick


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
tlhyde
New Member
Member # 45280
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 19th (Sunday)

girlpower!!!

My therapist told me something like this. "she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

She also told me "this is the point where you have to put her away and deal with her later. You have bigger fish to fry, and she does not matter anymore. Your family and your husband matter, despite his actions you have a choice. But leave her out of it, put her on the shelf of useless things and start to work on you, not what she did to you...that shit is done...done....done"....

Now having said that let God and Karma be there judge, cause man normal people do not go around destroying other peoples' lives...your friend and employee is NOT NORMAL....how you're feeling is NORMAL!!!

I know you are feeling sick, and like you I had the horrific honour of witnessing it.... but....what kind of women does that to you AND I....a very sick, jealous, something is missing in her make-up kind of womAn....STAY STRONG.....because she is NOTHING and your integrity is EVERYTHING


Me - 43
Wh - 39
Married 14 years - 4 boys :)
D-Day March 19, 2014
TT- for 7 months....
PA - was 5 months with my xBFF now TT reveals is 13 months with my xBFF (the Monster)
R - OMG Please!!!

Posts: 40 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: canada
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, October 20th (Monday)

It's been about a year of complete NC with my xBFF of 30+ years. We were closer than sisters. I Put her away to deal with later.

I've dealt with Dipshit STBXH. He is unrepentant SA and we are divorcing. While I'm still recovering, I am DONE trying to be anything other than polite strangers with him.

Now my question is, how do I deal with xBFF? I've known her longer than Dipshit STBXH. She was an important part of my life. How do I deal with that betrayal? I don't think I can just ignore it. I haven't made any new friends since D-Day, and I don't want to. I don't trust anyone beyond my small circle of supporters.

I've taken care of the knife wound to the heart from Dipshit STBXH. Now what do I do about the knife sticking out of my back from xBFF?


"Better not give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014


Posts: 2602 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 20th (Monday)

((Gemini71)

Double Betrayal hurts a lot. My SAWH had at least a 16 yr LTA with a supposed friend that I've known for over 30 years. He can't remember what year it started, and she lies through her teeth. She still blames her BS and Me for them f**king. She is one twisted attention whore, who if what my husband said about their first encounter, is also a SA.

If you haven't found it already, I highly recommend SANON. http://www.sanon.org/ I've put the link in this, hopefully that isn't a violation for this web site. I'm seeing people that experience joy again, who have been through some of what I have, and understand the myriad of emotions. They are safe for me.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love. Whorena The Cumdumpster pretended to be my friend the entire time as well. I'll take an enemy any day of the week.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, October 20th (Monday)

tlhyde - that was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you. At first they admitted to 2-3 months, but since was told by OW that it was 1.5 years. DH is like - well you know I had an A, why does the length of it matter?

Thank you - I am printing that one out and putting it on my desk.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
tlhyde
New Member
Member # 45280
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 20th (Monday)

well this is what happened today!!

My son was confronted today by OW daughter on the bus as to why we all don't hang out anymore. Last year they were kind of an item....as much as 14 and 15 years olds can be...everyone thought they would get married one day... :(

My son said....it's because your mother slept with my dad (They are 14 and 15 btw) and my mom walked in on them when she came home from work early. She called my son a liar and he said, "why would my mom lie about this and besides my dad confessed it to me" She was going home to confront her mother and her step dad because she could not believe her mom would do that to me because apparently her mom "loved me" and was her "BF"

I am just so sad that my son has to be involved with this...but he is fifteen and figured stuff out quick. This makes me so mad. She most likely will lie and tell her its not true or something.

Its just so devastating that kids are the collateral damage of this crap. My WH is moose hunting with the guys (lucky him to get away from all this for awhile)...yet I am here dealing with my son's issues with telling the girl he really cared about nasty things about her mother.....I just want him to see the damage this has caused by being a monster/cheater/liar


Me - 43
Wh - 39
Married 14 years - 4 boys :)
D-Day March 19, 2014
TT- for 7 months....
PA - was 5 months with my xBFF now TT reveals is 13 months with my xBFF (the Monster)
R - OMG Please!!!

Posts: 40 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: canada
UnwiseOne
Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 20th (Monday)

Ugh. The pain keeps going and going. "it''s the gift that keeps on giving!"

A couple of days ago my 19 year old daughter went to our neighbor''s house to talk to her about house sitting. xBFF was the one to introduce my daughter to this woman. My daughter said that the lady asked her about how she was doing regarding what had happened between xBFF and her dad. Sigh.

I hope she doesn''t try to turn my daughter against her dad. Sadness. It really isn''t this other lady''s place to say anything.



Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (43) NotJamesBond
Married: 22 years in June
Children: 18, 20, 21
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA 2+ years), #3(LTA 18+ years), #2, and #1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
Working on R

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: On Planet WTF
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

Gemini - Are you in counseling? I'd get help for that kind of betrayal. My H's AP was a social friend for only 5 years, and it still hurts like gangbusters. We weren't confidants really, though.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

Yep, I'm in counseling. Just brought it up with my IC today. I think it's just a matter of grieving the old friendship like I did the marriage. Maybe I'll be aquaintances with her again (a lot of common friends and our families were close), but that's it. Just like STBXH, my xBFF "died" and I'm let dealing with their creepy twin.


"Better not give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014


Posts: 2602 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday)

"she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

I like this method of thinking, tlhyde. It is xOW to a friggin tee. She never liked me, only used me to get to FWH. And part of my initial anger was toward myself, because I trusted her and felt like a fool - I ignored my gut.

What you stated above (as my IC said something very similar to what yours did, but added something to the effect that xOW is a train wreck )is so true. She was a very insecure person, lots of FOO issues, an alcoholic, etc., etc., and I was grounded and a good person and did not need "saving" from a KISA.

Hugs to all of you who are dealing with the "special kind of hell" of a double betrayal on top of infidelity.

Lala


Me - 50; FWH - 52
Married 32 years 9/2/15
2 grown daughters-31 & 28
6yo GS,2yo GD & 1yo. GD (DD31) and 3 yo GD(DD28). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5321 | Registered: May 2007
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday)

Yep, double betrayal, the gift that keeps on giving....

I decided shortly after DDay that the OW, a "friend", could not have really been a friend. A friend does not purposely hurt a friend like that. She made a conscious decision to hurt me.

And further, I don't think any good woman would never sleep with another woman's husband, it is a sort of code between women.

I still struggle with the entire situation including the double betrayal.

"she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

Yep, that about sums it up


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago, with a "friend" of mine
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DDay)
DDay 12/2012
Married a long time, in R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Aug 2014
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday)

My number one fear is the children talking at school - they are young, they don't deserve this and those types of images (mom hurt daddy or daddy hurt mommy) can stay with them very long time.

I'm so sorry that it keeps coming up - Life is a crazy thing and I know we can't protect them from everything bad. I hate that it is splashing up on the children. Its awful for them - I guess counseling even for them is the best option if they start to grasp whats going on.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday)

"she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

Amen. Neither were the so called friend who knew about the A. She seemed more upset that WH didn't have one with her. After all they had an EA going on in a sense. They even talked about a PA and decided not to. This from a friend of over 30 years.

What I hate is the way people almost condone A's and think it is okay. There is no reason ever for anyone to ever have an A. No form of treatment, lack of sex, lack of affection ever makes it okay. So, why the heck do people think it is okay and will actually cover up for WS? They are not people I want to know or have in my life. Ever.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
tlhyde
New Member
Member # 45280
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 23rd (Thursday)

Speaking of the witch....(the enemy). apparently her response to being asked about the affair is that She was not the only one having an affair, implying I was too. This is a lie and an attempt to take the heat off of her. Does her deception have no boundaries?

There is a billboard outside of town in every direction with her pic on it. "Century21Bitch, for all your buying and selling needs" Has not sold a house since everyone found out....there is some consolation I guess.

I want to deface it so badly. Everyone would know it was me though.

:(


Me - 43
Wh - 39
Married 14 years - 4 boys :)
D-Day March 19, 2014
TT- for 7 months....
PA - was 5 months with my xBFF now TT reveals is 13 months with my xBFF (the Monster)
R - OMG Please!!!

Posts: 40 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: canada
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 23rd (Thursday)

I have found that people like that love nothing more than a reaction - the best revenge is no reaction and not saying a word. F em

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
tlhyde
New Member
Member # 45280
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 23rd (Thursday)

OMG girl power....I think you just paid me back for my earlier comments to you. I had stopped on the side of the road to type a text to her asking why and what did she think she was going to get out of it. I did not send it....it's still sitting here and I debated and thought I'd wait until kids went to bed to send it so they would not see me crying when she sent a message back.....

I am so glad you reminded me NOT to contact her...it was so close.......I AM GOING TO DELETE IT....NOW


Me - 43
Wh - 39
Married 14 years - 4 boys :)
D-Day March 19, 2014
TT- for 7 months....
PA - was 5 months with my xBFF now TT reveals is 13 months with my xBFF (the Monster)
R - OMG Please!!!

Posts: 40 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: canada
beyondbelief13
Member
Member # 41080
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 23rd (Thursday)

OMG, So glad I read this tonight!

"she was never your best friend. She hated you and had to have what you had. She saw what you are, a strong, loved confident women and wanted to play with your toys in your sand box. Quit calling her your friend...she was your enemy"

I just found out my Professed 'friend and prayer buddy' has been trash talking me at her church... OUCH


BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 53 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 23rd (Thursday)

way to go thyde

That made my day - I was always the one to get the last word, etc. During this ordeal - the "no reaction" has been the ultimate defense and the particular thing that makes everyone go nuts.

Save any reaction for the things that are vital and important.

Good luck :)


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
UnwiseOne
Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 24th (Friday)

beyondbelief13:

I feel like you may understand my level of confusion and hurt regarding my xBFF. Not only was she my best friend for over 20 years, but she was the one who prayed with me when I gave my life to Jesus. She has always been my wise, godly friend. How could she choose this path, turning away from her husband of 20 something years, and betraying me, my children... He is my husband. WTF?

Why didn't she stop this over a year ago when my husband started changing the tone of their text conversations? She could have told me my husband asked her what her favorite sexual position was. (supposedly, this was the first text that really crossed the line). She supposedly did not answer, but ignored the question. That would have been the time to tell me! Ugh!!!!


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (43) NotJamesBond
Married: 22 years in June
Children: 18, 20, 21
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA 2+ years), #3(LTA 18+ years), #2, and #1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
Working on R

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: On Planet WTF
CluelessWonder
Member
Member # 45413
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, November 6th (Thursday)

I've been posting for about a week now and just found this forum/post.

We were practically best friends for 25 years, since high school. Of that circle of friends, he would do anything, he was unbelievably loyal. Only once did we ever see him mad at us. It's ironic to think about it now because it was because me and another friend gave him the cold shoulder at lunch because he BETRAYED a dumb school secret that made us look foolish. He told his freshman girlfriend about this stupid club we had.

Fast forward 25 years. We actually ended up being next door neighbors. My exGF and I were always having issues in our relationship and she'd complain about me to almost anyone that would listen. But this summer she started complaining to him. And the fucking piece of worm shit scumbag commiserates by complaining about his fucking wife. "Oh we have so much in common! Fuck me now!" He doesn't tell me shit.

I looked at early texts and it's quite clear he was fishing. She told me she kinda caught the vibe but didn't responf in kind because she thought it couldn't be true. Gee thanks slut, so you were into him but didn't chase because you thought you'd get rejected? Assholes.

So she dumps me because she wants to try this. Seriously, I give her credit for that much consideration. The fucking guy sneaks into my back door one night while my baby sleeps in her crib and fucks my X with no condom. She left the fucking dirty sheet by the washer. So thoughtful!! Stupid bitch. His family and 2 kids slept blissfully unaware about 20 feet away. Slut says they had intended to wait 3 months before sex. They made it about 3 days. That's when the dumbass thought his divorce would final. I never realized how dumb he was.

I can forgive her affair. If it had been a dude from her job that I didn't know, this would be more tolerable. But him?? I'm trying not to waste the energy on hatred. I like what was posted above: he is an enemy. I hope he suffers until his dying breath and that I outlive him. I will not visit his grave even to spit on it!

I'd still take her back but that feeling is finally starting to wane. I think he is 10x worse for what he did. A guy doesn't do that to his friend. And I don't like that bro code, man card bullshit. You just don't do that.

They continue today on until whenever it implodes. I give it until January. He calls her his girlfriend. He thinks I want to be his friend again someday. This is even after his face took a beating. I can't believe him. I think he's insane. I believe in the affair fog but he must have a brain tumor. I hope he doesn't because that would kill him too quickly. I want him to suffer horribly until he's 100.

This is beyond unimaginable. Fortunately, among us, his former closest friends, he stands alone as a complete failure. He peaked 15 years ago. He is the worst human being I have ever personally had the displeasure of knowing. He doesn't give a shit about his poor children who stand to suffer immensely once they tell them about the pending divorce.

They are "in love". No, they are addicted to the most ridiculous fantasy. At least she told me everything pretty much right when I confronted her. Now, of course the coldness with which she told me speaks volumes. But the asshole denied it for a week. He never even had the courage to approach me with his story. Not until my xWGF made him. Chicken shit asshole. I have never gotten an apology. No explanation. I have only heard from his own BS that he blames us!!

If I could ensure his eternal suffering, I would. But I can't and I'm not going to waste more time on him. If he goes back to his W and she actually takes him in, he will live forever with his tail between his legs. And if he goes through with the divorce, I know he'll have no lasting relationship with my Ex and he will see less than half the money he earns for the next 15 years while living with his parents. A doormat mother and a cheating father. Fucking losers.

[This message edited by CluelessWonder at 8:01 PM, November 6th (Thursday)]


Me BBF: 41, exWGF: 33
Young toddler, 50/50 custody
EA begins mid-8/14, Breakup 9/26/14, PA 9/28(?), D-day 9/30/14
I make her move out 10/24/14
We begin R 11/13/14

Posts: 104 | Registered: Oct 2014
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, November 15th (Saturday)

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I totally get how you feel. It hurts to think your friend would do this to you. Yes your friend should of had your back. Do not let him meaning your anger stop you from living your life. I know that is hard to do. Remember you are a better then him! You will get through this. It is a shame that some people have no integrity and will try to blame others for it! How stupid is that. Crazy crazy not normal thinking. They are the ones that are sick in the f'ing head. I hope this helps you!


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
UnwiseOne
Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, November 16th (Sunday)

The thing that has helped me "a lot" is being distracted the fact that my husband has had 4 other other affairs. Before I could only think about my husband and best friend because I thought that was it. It wasn't.

Now I am at a loss.


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (43) NotJamesBond
Married: 22 years in June
Children: 18, 20, 21
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA 2+ years), #3(LTA 18+ years), #2, and #1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
Working on R

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: On Planet WTF
Summerluv123
Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 20th (Thursday)

I read here all the time, but I don't much post anymore. R is going well. But I do have issues with the 2 of the 3 OW my WH has had. OW #2 is a neighbor, yeah she still is. This was his biggest A. Went on for quite a while and was underground as I had found the EA. The OW #3 was one of my best friends. That truly hurts the most.

I have now learned how much of a flirt my WH is when he is not around me. I never knew. He was very good at hiding it. I did have a few weird feelings with OW #3, but always thought he would not go there...well he did and she did too. I think that hurts just as much. She comes off as the sweetest person, but I know the dark side and what she can really do.

It is just so hard to wrap my head around this. I have forgiven WH, why can I not forgive her? Maybe its the fact the she pursued him, but I also know he flirted with her. Everyone around me has had some part in the A's. I have no family and no one to trust except my kids. Its a horrific place to be.

Thanks for letting me vent...


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, November 22nd (Saturday)

It is hard when you feel you can't trust anyone. I feel that way sometimes. The people that know seem to be on WH side which is insane. There are no sides. I got chewed out by one of my best friends from high school only to find out she knew about his A the whole time. Not to mention she and WH had discussed having an A of their own. Someone I was friends with for over 30 years. It is insane sometimes to think of the large betrayals as well as the miniature ones.
I feel like I can't trust anyone. I am trying to make new friends, but find it hard to actually talk about anything meaningful.
It is much worse when it is a double betrayal. If it was a stranger at least I wouldn't feel like my friendship was used against me.
I use to trust so easily too. That is now gone, just like my security and trust.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
Summerluv123
Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, November 22nd (Saturday)

Wolf, you are right. It feels like our friendship was used against us. I see now how OW #3 said things like admiring comments about my WH years ago that I never picked up on. I knew her BH was not the greatest and felt she was jealous of what I had. I never dreamed she would try to make it hers. All the while, lying to my face. Its just sickening.

One thing that has me confused on how to feel or react...as I look at my WH now, we are in R, I know he is a broken person and is doing so much work to figure himself out and repair what he has broken. Why cant I feel that way about the OW. I truly hate them all. The first OW I do not know. I guess it just makes it harder that we all live in small down - one is even in my neighborhood.

I wish we could move away, but financially we can't right now. I envy those that never knew the OP's. I wish I was in that place. My IC is helping me get through this, but its just mind boggling.


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
livinganew
Member
Member # 40270
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, November 22nd (Saturday)

I belong to many "clubs" here: LTA, divorced (New Beginnings), double betrayal, others... I often lurk and rarely post. I have a question for others in this double betrayal "club"...

My XWW left me for her married AP following DDay (she works for him), who (in turn) is divorcing his wife. The (at least) 5-year double betrayal by my X and someone who arguably was my best friend makes the pain more anguishing, I believe. I felt "ganged-up on" by the two most important in my life. That it went on for so long--with me supporting her at every turn (and him, too, in many ways)--made this experience profoundly shattering and nauseating.

I've been unemployed a couple times in my career(s), and that was bad; my mother passed about three years ago, and that was worse. This profoundly disturbing, shattering, pain was 50 times worse than my mother's death. It was/is easily my most excruciating pain; nothing else comes/came close.

Once my XWW decided to leave, I eventually concluded I HAD to get out of town. I had to move away; to make a new time and place for myself to recover. Staying anywhere near them--and in the life I had during their affair--was invasive and impeded my healing. I believe I've seen others here articulate a similar need to get the heck out.

So, here's my question: Does the "double betrayal" lend itself more than other betrayals to experiencing a fundamental urge to get away from the life we thought we had, to create an entirely new life? (Whether we CAN do this or not, is another thing; my kids are "emancipated" in legal parlance, so I could move.)

That urge was/is so strong that I initially not only moved to a different suburb of Chicago, but will soon again move to the coast of western Michigan. Despite 30 years here in one Chicago suburb, it was no longer "home." I'm originally from Michigan, and it again felt like home and pulled me there. So, there is where I'm choosing to go and continue building my new life.

Two years out, I'm now feeling more grounded in and accepting of my anguish, anger, and sadness; stepping into and working on forgiveness--both for how I wounded my X in our 30-year marriage and how she wounded me; and, grateful for the many blessings in my life. None of my current blessings would have happened in the way they have if I were still married.

Blessings to All, LivingAnew


D-Day: Dec 2012
Me: 57 BH; XWW: 55 (then)
16-yr EA and PA w/MOM--her boss; my "friend"
Married 30 yrs - 2DS: 27 & 25; DD: 21 (then)
Left for her AP
Divorced Jan 2014

Embracing my integrity and honor-rich life.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: SW Mich
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, November 22nd (Saturday)

Summer I don't think there is a specific way to act. We react to our circumstances. I want nothing to do with her or any of the other women that made inappropriate comments about my WH or had private access to him. There are just too many to even think about. I ended one friendship after the gal told me point blank she could have my WH at any time. She just didn't out of respect for me. WH says he would never have gone there, but seriously that is not something you tell someone. She based her opinion on a compliment he gave her and how much he flirts. She said it was obvious he was always testing the waters. He doesn't think what he did was flirting. Makes it hard to heal when they don't even see what they did as wrong.

So, here's my question: Does the "double betrayal" lend itself more than other betrayals to experiencing a fundamental urge to get away from the life we thought we had, to create an entirely new life?
Living, I am lucky that we are not in the same town. Neither one is. However, I feel a deep desire to leave a state that I have lived in most of my life. I am a military brat and we moved around a lot. The state we live in was the first place I lived in for more then 2 years. I have been here since I was 14. So, the thought of leaving breaks my heart, but at the same time I am having issues with the reminders. I feel a need for new places that are just ours and no one else's. He added these women to our marriage and made them a part of our story. I hate that.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, November 24th (Monday)

good question - I am feeling the same way. H had an affair with my closest friend, whom I also employed as my assistant. Its been a little over a month. Every little thing just turns my stomach. Running into her in town, my children asking about her family etc.

I also saw them first hand having sex - and Just can't figure out how I will ever be able to get that out of my head. Ever. He kind of has that "well, we aren't having sex anymore, so everything should be good" attitude. I feel like I can never "un see" that.

I have the overwhelming desire to move far away and start over somewhere myself. However, we have small children so I don't know if / what options would be. I just want to get as far away from this as possible.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 24th (Monday)

And like other posters have said - I don't want any friends, I don't want to deal with anyone. I can't figure out how to move forward. My office is a mess, letting work get behind, don't want to talk to my husband . . . just feel dead inside.

And he is letting me know that he is ready for "sex" again - enough time has passed. I can't ever think of a way that I will ever be able to be intimate with him and not have that imagine of them in my head. Ever.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 24th (Monday)

((Girl Power))

Double betrayal is so hard. Your WS sounds like he doesn't understand the damage that he and AP have done to you. Sex may take a while for you again. You should probably discuss how him wanting sex makes you feel etc. while you tow are with the MC.

Does the MC have experience with infidelity? Some MC's who don't have any experience or very little with infidelity, want to discus what was wrong in the marriage and ignore the Adultery. You usually need to heal from the Adultery before you discuss the marriage. And whatever was wrong, if anything in the marriage, it is no excuse for your WS to commit Adultery. That is all on him.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love. Whorena The Cumdumpster pretended to be my friend the entire time as well. I'll take an enemy any day of the week.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 24th (Monday)

I just don't understand how I or anyone can ever get past it - just when I think I am getting a grip on one aspect of it - then another aspect of it hits me from behind.

Every time I feel like I take any steps forward, then a tons of steps backwards . . .

I lost my closest friend, my business is a giant mess and I am neglecting it from full depression, I don't trust anyone and I am completely disgusted with H. I actually saw them having sex - he had the nerve today to ask "how long do I have to wait before we can have sex again?"

I don't know that I can ever get that image out of my head - ever.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
Ascendant
Guide
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 30th (Sunday)

So, here's my question: Does the "double betrayal" lend itself more than other betrayals to experiencing a fundamental urge to get away from the life we thought we had, to create an entirely new life?
Maybe. I never really thought about that aspect at length.

I think it's possible, especially in cases where not only are you 2xB by a friend or relative, but also other friends in your social circle know or knew about the affair while it was ongoing. It's much more simple (not easy) to cut bait with the whole shitty mess instead of working through your hurt with god-only-knows how many individuals, many of whom probably cannot fathom your hurt and some of whom probably empathize with your WS.

If you have a group of 5 friends, and one of them was the AP, but the other 4 knew or refuse to take sides (which is bullshit, btw), then it's going to be a ton of work to reconcile each of those relationships, excluding the AP.

There's certainly an appeal to starting all over in a new place where no one knows you and looks at you either with scorn or pity.


Me: 32 Her: 30
DDAY: Jan. 2nd, 2013

"Make each day your masterpiece."


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: North of Chicago, Illinois
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)

I actually saw them having sex - he had the nerve today to ask "how long do I have to wait before we can have sex again?"

Girlpower- Seriously. What a jerk. Sorry, but this is NOT a remorseful spouse. He should be more concerned about your feelings than that.

Are you in MC? Are you getting IC too? You deserve to heal and I think IC can really help your situation. Seeing them together is just horrible. Your WH should be much more sensitive to that fact. I am so thankful I didn't walk in on my WH and his AP. The mind images are enough without having actual ones.

So, work on what you need for yourself. I would explain to him that the trauma of witnessing him breaking your wedding vows and showing utter disrespect for you means that he needs to help you more. I would also let him know that until he starts to help you more and you get some healing then NO, there is no sex for him. Also, let him know it is called making love when you are in a loving marriage. If it is just sex to him, I would question his ability to reconcile.

[This message edited by wolf_heart at 7:57 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday)]


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 4th (Thursday)

thank you wolf heart -
I have been struggling like crazy. We are living in the same home, with me in the guest room "pretending" like everything is ok. It took a long time for me to actually "feel" anything I was so numb and just walking around in a daze.

They were doing this IN MY HOUSE - I can't get past it. Everything is a trigger, he stresses me out, and I would rather do anything than let him touch me. Our kids go to same school, we live in same town etc etc.

I have this incredible desire to just pick up and move - we have two small children, so I don't know what is allowed.

I do have an IC, however I have been out of town for work and just trying to figure out how to start healing. I never imagined anything this shitty


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, December 4th (Thursday)

I kind of feel like that I put so much effort into making sure we didn't become the "town scandal" and kids weren't forever traumatized - that I ended up taking the brunt of the pain and humiliation.

This leaves me feeling very guilty, like everyone could go on living just fine - unless I am the one who chooses that I can't go on with this relationship. I don't like feeling like everything is on my shoulders.

Could I stay together for the sake of the kids? Probably. I like H enough, we are good parents / partners. However - I don't feel the love. I don't want to be intimate, I don't want to share things, I am so beside myself with betrayal I don't know how I will ever trust anyone in my life ever again.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
Crushed7
Member
Member # 41129
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, December 10th (Wednesday)

I've been posting on SI for a while, but this is my first time posting in this forum. I'm struggling with some things about the A that I am wondering if they are unique to a double betrayal or are just the lengths that A's can go to.

The OM/OBS were our neighbors and our families (including kids) grew very close as we did a ton of things together.

- The OM and my WW held hands/were affectionate within proximity of the OBS or myself when they wouldn't be detected.

- The OM acted as "dad" with my kids. On one occasion, my WW even sent our kid to the OM for a very personal conversation instead of to me.

- As part of the PA, the OM and my WW would sneak away for some manual stimulation. The OM told my WW that she wasn't allowed to "finish" with me later that day as it would be "cheating" on him.

- The OM told my WW that I was her primary H, but that he was her second.

In essence, they were acting as if they were married. This stuff is really stuck in my head as of late as it just takes the feelings of betrayal to a much deeper level.


Me-BH
Her-WW
Last DDay-Jan 2012 (several month EA/PA)
Married 25 years, Together 28 years

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Oct 2013
Wiserallthetime
Member
Member # 44331
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, December 10th (Wednesday)

So, I recently found out STBXWH and FBFF/MOW would take to or pick up the kids from an extra-curricular activity; she apparently was "always" with him the few times he ran this errand. Though she was supposedly my friend, she never went with me, though I tended to this errand the majority of the time. This activity for the kids ended in early 2010. I find this behavior totally inappropriate and hints at how the A was likely going on at least since 2009, if not long before.

I was asked what I think about the A having gone on so long, with the two betraying me together. My true response was "I try not to think of it." The reality is, there is too much water under that bridge. There are far too many things I did with and for her, and now knowing what she was doing during that time behind my back is just too much.... There are also things he did that were supposedly for me, but which would include my friends of my choosing, but, he knew I'd pick her as one of them; so, the question arises, then, of did he do this thing for me, or because he knew she would benefit, because I would choose her, and it was the only way he could do it for her and get away with it then?? Sigh....

Anyone else have these questions run through their minds? Anyone else have that situation where OW benefited from something STBX did for you and you now wonder if that thing was really for OW all along?


Posts: 220 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: southern US
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, December 15th (Monday)

Crushed7,
I don't think those are things that are specific to double betrayal. As far as the physical contact they had while in close proximity to their spouses, I'm pretty sure that falls under the danger/thrill aspect of As that waywards of all types seek. I do think that in situations like these it's harder to separate the A from real life, which in our cases includes M and family on both sides. Basically, I think there is just more crossover-- the escape that the OP was seeking was an escape into your life on some level. That's something I struggle with a lot, and I feel for you. At the very least, I think it makes forgiveness of the OP a slow, if not totally impossible, process.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, December 15th (Monday)

...and to Girlpower, hugs. Just lots and lots of them. I'm in a pretty good place right now, but I could have written any one of your recent posts at various points in time-- like last week, for example, when I spent my birthday morning locked in the bathroom sobbing. It gets better. And it gets worse. You know the drill. I wish you strength and clarity on your journey.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 15th (Monday)

Anyone else have these questions run through their minds? Anyone else have that situation where OW benefited from something STBX did for you and you now wonder if that thing was really for OW all along?

Before and during the A my WH insisted we spend more time together. I wondered during the A why it was such a big deal to him. We were planning a week long camping trip when the A was discovered. I don't even want to think about what they would have been up to if we had gone as planned. He said the A was over, but they were still texting and talking all the time. He was still "in love" with her.

I don't know how two people can say they care about you and put you through this kind of hell.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
Wiserallthetime
Member
Member # 44331
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, December 16th (Tuesday)

Thanks wolf_heart. Unfortunately, we did take that trip, or, rather, those trips, together.... FBFF/MOW and her family (sickening even more is her husband was there, too) went on several trips with STBXWH, myself, and our kids. I now believe the A was already happening long before we took the first trip together, too.
Yes, it does sicken me to now think about how it is likely the two of them were building memories together on these trips, right in front of their spouses and children!!! (I won't bother, because there aren't enough barfy emoticons for this one.....)

The things I am mainly talking about, though, are things like he sent me and a bunch of my friends to a surprise special dinner one year; she was involved, even in the planning. Another year, he sent me and up to three other friends on a trip to the spa; of course, with my not knowing of the A and her being my supposed BFF at the time, he knew she would be chosen as one of those to go with me....
So, with things like that, I now wonder if he really did them for me, or was that really the only way he could do it for her and get away with it?? If it was really done because it would benefit her instead of truly only for me, it totally destroys a lot of special days..... Complicating the matter is my STBX likes to point to the stuff he did for me that he says showed he loved me, but if he really did it for her instead.....what does that say??? (Really, the memories of the events themselves are already tainted by her involvement; it is just a thousand fold worse if what was done was really for her instead of for me....)
I know, it'll drive me crazy trying to figure that out, but I was just wondering if anyone else has this problem, and, if so, how they got past it without ever having the answer.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: southern US
amialone
Member
Member # 45852
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, December 18th (Thursday)

Hi new to this forum. But I'm posting here to get some insight. My story is long so I will try to keep it short. Basically, my H was emotionally/verbally abusive. We made friends with the OW woman early in our marriage. She and I began a friendship. I shared my problems with her and vice versa. But over time I could see she wasn't a good person. So I limited my contact. But our families were close and she stayed friends with my H. My H loves to dance. We use to dance together but then we had 2 kids. So I wasn't able to go out as much. So they stared dancing. Eventually, it turned into an almost nightly thing for them. While I stayed home surg or children. I suspected they were unfaithful. But I had no physical proof. I had always told him that I would leave if he betrayed me that way. So that is how he got away with all his other bad behavior. (I.E. leaving every night, complaining about my looks and performance, neglecting the kids, raging, and later in marriage abusing drugs) after years of this I thought I was going to have a melt down! And I started sticking up for myself and getting some outside help. I even confronted both of them about their relationship. Obviously, they lied and covered up their sin.
19 months ago. We went to his first AA meeting and the rest has been wonderful. A completely different man. The OW moved out of state. Only contacting me when she was in town, through Facebook or a text. Keeping in mind no one has admitted anything. A few weeks ago I was faced with needing the truth. Because everytime I thought about her or heard from her which was alot. I would think did they betray me? So I asked him directly. He told me he had sex with her and now my whole life has been flipped upside down again.
The things I can't get out of my mind -
-OW shared things (stories, hurts, personal stuff) and she just took him she didn't even want him
-she would do such intimate things right in front of me almost flaunting it
I contacted her through email the next day. Explaining the hurt she caused that she knew how broken I was in my marriage and how could she? You were suppose to be my friend. Why couldn't you help me by keeping your hands off and sending him home.
Her reply -I am not sure what you and (H) discussed, but I will agree that I have not always been a good friend and for that I am very sorry. I can tell you that I am more than happy that you and (H) are moving forward in you lives together and hope that your lives together as a family can continue to grow stronger as the years go by. May you all be blessed and continue to care the faith.
DISGUSTING!!! She also texted my husband privately. Sorry you and your wife are having problems. I only told her this much. I always wanted you two to be happy.
On what planet could she want me to be happy while she sleeps with my H!?!.
Ok now I'm venting. I think about replying everyday. But it would probably not be for the best. In fact I'm shaking right now. I'm not suicidal but I often think about ending my life because it is the only way I can truly forget this ever happened. The timing is awful. Because he is no longer that man. I wish I had this all figured out. Sorry for the rant but I really think I needed it.



Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2014
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 24th (Wednesday)

its OK to rant - its an awful feeling from your H and your closest friend.

Its been 7-8 weeks since Dday here and H is just stunned that I am still a wreck about it and that everything reminds me of it.

You have been heard - it sucks. Someone wrote on here on time - she is not your friend, she was never your friend, she was and is your enemy.

Hold your head high and move forward . . .as I am and trying to figure out where my life shall go.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
amialone
Member
Member # 45852
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, December 25th (Thursday)

Thank you girlpower. That means alot. Just being heard helps tremendously. And I do believe this about her. She was never my friend. In fact I told my H the other day. She wasn't your friend either. We are trying to R. He agrees now for what it is. She was a poison to our relationship. And should have never been allowed in.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2014
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, December 25th (Thursday)

Its just the worse feeling ever. My H just doesn't see her as an enemy (which makes me completely insane).

Trying to hold my head high and complete be on the defense . . . she is the enemy and wanted to infect you, your family etc.



Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, December 26th (Friday)

Double betrayal here as well - - AP had a "crush" on my husband for years, as I found out later -- so, I do sometimes think that she was a predator from day one, and just pretended to be my friend to be closer to him.

On the other hand, I am pretty awesome - , so I sometimes think she just really wanted to be us. My H and I had a pretty good relationship before the A - better than hers. I am well respected and liked, and do something for a living she'd like to do. So, I actually think she really wanted to be my friend, but didn't feel worthy either of my life or ours, and so went on this campaign to show that she was "special" somehow. I also think, sadly, that she wanted someone to care about her the way my H cared about me. He told her once in the affair that he didn't think he'd ever be able to be best friends with her, like he was with me. Can you imagine your AP telling you that? How low must you feel about yourself to argue with that? (And she did. . .said she thought he could, because she had never felt such "peace" with someone else. I mean, what does feeling peace have to do with being a best friend, and who feels peaceful in the midst of an affair?)

I think she got confused and jealous and competitive. And, was really just a broken and selfish little woman.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:53 AM, December 26th (Friday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 2nd (Friday)

My H just doesn't see her as an enemy (which makes me completely insane).
Seems to be common with double betrayals, was like that in my case at first. After many talks I think he came to see it as it really is. She did something she knew would hurt others (as did WH). Friends don't screw friend's spouses, that is not a friend, that is an enemy. What friend would want to tear apart a M and hurt so many people?

I also think OW had a crush on my WH for years. She would say "you are so lucky", "WH is so good to you", "WH helps around the house", etc.

Agree with the "predator" label. She was waiting for the right time to strike. WH fell for it for a bit, then got disgusted with her (and himself).


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago, with a "friend" of mine
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DDay)
DDay 12/2012
Married a long time, in R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Aug 2014
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, January 5th (Monday)

We are now 3 months out - and she is still doing things to "poke" and try to get a reaction. We live in the same town, etc.

H's reaction is always "I'm sure she isn't trying to harm you" - he is so oblivious to her complete manipulation and tactics. I can't figure out how to deal with him - by this time he should be furious that she is still trying to actively ruin his life.


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
Wiserallthetime
Member
Member # 44331
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, January 6th (Tuesday)

I hate to ask, girlpower, but are you sure the A is over and he is NC? I ask only because mine did similar with my FBFF/his MOW, all while he was still denying there was an A at all.
"I'm sure she isn't trying to harm you"
is almost exactly one of the things my STBXWH was saying while FBFF/MOW was posting ugly things to Facebook.
I hope, for your sake, the A is over and he is indeed NC, but I thought you should be warned....

Posts: 220 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: southern US
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, January 6th (Tuesday)

{{Girlpower}}

I don't remember all the details of your story so I have a couple of questions.

Are you in IC?

Do you have a support group or support system?


At the very least he is still lying to himself about what he has done. The very first lie they tell is to themselves about something they know to be so wrong and hurtful. It is also what they cling to in their denial of their choices.

Is he in IC? If not are you two in MC?

My WH isn't in IC, but he has seen our MC a few times without me and he attends an Every Man's Battle Group and SA weekly, unless we are out of town or the Every Man's Battle Group get's cancelled by the Group Leader/Councilor.

The OW is still in "Fantasy Land" has she been exposed to her BS or family or?

Whorena in our case, has only been exposed to her BS and 3 children. She stayed in contact with one of my children and still keeps a picture of my WH up on her FB pictures and who knows where else. She is still in "Fantasy Land" waiting for my WH to call. If my WH is to be believed, they sometimes went for a year or more without F**king. My SAWH has been very remorseful and working on his issues and going to MC.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love. Whorena The Cumdumpster pretended to be my friend the entire time as well. I'll take an enemy any day of the week.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
devastatedx10
New Member
Member # 46374
Helpless  Posted: 12:04 AM, January 16th (Friday)

I'm so glad I found this forum! I didn't think anyone else could relate to what I've been through. While I know everyone's story is different, it is so nice to be able to relate to others. I'll try to be brief. My D-Day was Sept of 2013 when I discovered text messages from WH to my aunt that were sexual in nature. He admitted they had been having an A for a couple of months. My devastation was beyond belief!!

Thru further digging and interrogations, it came out that he had at least 7 AP and 3 ONS that I know of. The worst was yet to come though. I discovered WH had a 4-5 year A with my mother, and very early on had a short A with my sister.

I was extremely close with all three of the OW. We were best friends and I trusted them to my very core. WH and I have 2 children and they are extremely close to the OW as well.
To say my life was turned upside down is a understatement. I contemplated taking my own life for a while, but could never do it because of my children.

They are of course all so very sorry and remorseful...now.
We are in IC and were in MC for 2 years before d-day (he never came clean so it was a waste of time then). Trying to R, mostly because I am pregnant due Feb and he is trying so hard to change and deal with all the abuse from childhood.

Is there anyone on here that has had a WS not just double betray but multiple betray? I feel like no one should have to even attempt to deal with this much betrayal in their life.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2015 | From: US
FoolForLove15
New Member
Member # 46365
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, January 16th (Friday)

@devastatedx10- My God. I can't even imagine dear. I have not dealt with anywhere near the level of betrayal you have, but I guess I just wanted to say I'm so sorry and that what you're going through is enough to drive anyone to the point of wanting to end things. My mother is the only person in this world who I trust 100% to never do anything to harm me and I would be absolutely devastated. Be strong if only for your children. Think of them to help you get through.

Like I said, my double betrayal wasn't nearly as severe as yours, but my WH had an ongoing affair with a woman who he passed off to me as his "little sister" (not by birth, but his family is all mixed up anyway- the woman he calls mom is not really his birth mother. His siblings are not all true siblings - lots o adoptions and such). I befriended this woman and even allowed her to live in our home briefly - meanwhile she was having an emotional and sexual affair with him right up under my nose. Of all the affairs, that was the one he refused to end and the one that made me finally leave.

Wishing you the very best. You're not alone


BS: 30s. WH: 50s. Married: 2011. 1st D-Day 2012 discovered multiple OW & PAs. I had a revenge ONS. 3/9/14 discovered his LT PA w/his "relative". 6/1/14 & 1/10/15 he broke NC. 2/2015 - I DIVORCED HIM!

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2015
LoveNougat
New Member
Member # 46019
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 16th (Friday)

Think of it this way. As much as the double betrayal sucks and rattles your foundation. You come out the other side much better. Now with former OM.. (now spouse). I honestly pity him. he has to live with ol' girl now. Thanks Chach.

Best part, he is polite on the phone and does a better job keeping my kids on the line than my ex.

I hope he likes his blue falcon hat.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2014
devastatedx10
New Member
Member # 46374
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 16th (Friday)

@Foolforlove- Thank you sooo much for the welcome. I have felt so isolated and alone this past year. I too trusted my mother 100%, she was my best friend.

Having trusted so many people only to find out they all betrayed me is awful. I too opened my home but it was my sister and her kids, not his adopted sister. Knowing the people you love and trust are having an A right under your nose makes you feel like such a fool.

Thank you again for the welcome..just taking it one day at a time.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2015 | From: US
brokenNbetrayed
New Member
Member # 45394
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 16th (Friday)

Hugs to you devastatedx10. Double betrayal is the absolute worse. Please take care of yourself and your kids.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2014
Furious1
Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 16th (Friday)

Dx10, double and multiple betrayal here. As you can see by my tag line, my WH had a 7 year A with my sister who is just a year older than me. He has had numerous A's which has produced two OC with two different OW that we know of. While I do not know the additional pain of having WH have an A with my aunt or mother, I do know the pain of having my FOO (family of origin) side with my sister over it all.

My WH is just getting started in IC and yesterday we had our first real MC session. My D-day was October of 2014 even though I had my suspicions.

For me, there are no more family holidays or gatherings of any sort (at least ones where I am invited). I might as well have become an orphan when the A came out. If you knew my family and how narcissistic they are, you would understand that it is no great loss on my part.

I was curious if you are still in contact with your aunt, your mother, and your sister after discovering what they did to you.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD26 from his 1st M. DS21 from my 1st M. DD17 (autistic), OC18 (S), OC17 (D)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14). True R: 12/24/14
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
livinganew
Member
Member # 40270
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, January 16th (Friday)

devastatedx10

My Lord, the pervasive devastation you must feel... You not only have multiple double betrayals, but those that involve your FOO, too! THAT is a betrayal that probably feels as though your WHOLE LIFE has been undermined (not just your marriage).

The behavior of your WH and these OW is shocking. They made horrible, pernicious choices that they knew would devastate you. It says everything about THEM. Please understand that their choices had nothing to do with you... These people are incredibly broken.

Focus ALL your energies on taking care of YOU. Find support for yourself (church? therapist? support group? ANYWHERE!)

Yes, your kids need you, too; you must expend some energy on them. IMO, though, every other ounce of your energy should focus on stabilizing your life and healing.

I pray for your strength and that you find/create someone(s) you can trust to support you. Find your faith and know that you can get through this. Make a decision that you WILL be better off as a result of all this. You can do it; you are MORE than their broken decisions!


D-Day: Dec 2012
Me: 57 BH; XWW: 55 (then)
16-yr EA and PA w/MOM--her boss; my "friend"
Married 30 yrs - 2DS: 27 & 25; DD: 21 (then)
Left for her AP
Divorced Jan 2014

Embracing my integrity and honor-rich life.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: SW Mich
livinganew
Member
Member # 40270
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 16th (Friday)

OMGoodness, F1--you, too?!?!?! Prayers to you, too!

I think I would be like you... Choosing NC with the AP(s) (and, in my case, my EWW, too) has been a must for my healing.


D-Day: Dec 2012
Me: 57 BH; XWW: 55 (then)
16-yr EA and PA w/MOM--her boss; my "friend"
Married 30 yrs - 2DS: 27 & 25; DD: 21 (then)
Left for her AP
Divorced Jan 2014

Embracing my integrity and honor-rich life.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: SW Mich
devastatedx10
New Member
Member # 46374
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, January 16th (Friday)

@furious- I did have NC for a while with all of them. My mother has tried very hard to attempt to work on herself and issues and to fix our relationship (although obviously not possible) but the separation hurt my children so much. We were an extremely close knit family and the knowledge of what went on would destroy my kids faith and trust in people, and I couldn't hurt them like that. So there is some contact and get together that I suffer through, although I do enjoy spending time with other family members. It's difficult at times to be around them, but making my kids happy is worth it.
I'm so sorry to hear about your own betrayal as well. I know all to well the pain and anger you are going through, and I'm glad to hear you're in MC. I hope it helps and wish you the best!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2015 | From: US
devastatedx10
New Member
Member # 46374
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 16th (Friday)

@livinganew-Thank you so much. I do try very hard to take comfort and solace in things I enjoy and the few people I confide in. It's an extremely long road, but I do take comfort in knowing that they were not able to break me. I have so many moments when I beat up on myself. How could I have been so blind, so trusting, naive...etc. But I have to remind myself that they were the ones that are wrong. I'm guilty of being an honest, and trusting person. It is so nice to be able to share with people who do truly understand though.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2015 | From: US
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, January 17th (Saturday)

Double Betrayal is the pits.

My WH's AP told him that she had put him on a pedestal and thought him unattainable. Unattainable because of his devotion to me.

I wonder if those long talks about our spouses was only to get information to use to entice mine. Goodness knows her's was a complete disappointment to her. He was out of work, overweight and she hadn't had an orgasm from him in 8 years. So, she sought out mine that was gainfully employed at a great job, thin, and I never complained about sexually. Little did she know about his erectile dysfunction. I never told her about that. Wish I had now, maybe she wouldn't have wanted him so badly. Didn't' work for her any better than it did for me. Not to mention he didn't work better for her either. Yes, I do get some satisfaction from that. I think they both thought the problem was their partners and not them.
They also "shared a connection". Both of them mentioned this connection they had that they had never had with anyone else before during the A. It was the reason they text and talked so much after all.
When hubby admitted the EA prior to her disclosing the PA part he told me that she was his soulmate. That they were destined for each other and something got messed up. That he loved us the same way and amount and couldn't give up either of us.
I suppose the mess up was they were both stuck in marriages with kids and not single when they met. That they missed out on some big time love of their lives because they were stuck with people they weren't happy with. How sad for them. Hubby now doesn't understand why he thought that.

If your WS isn't seeing their AP as an enemy to your marriage give it time. Make sure to point out all that person's flaws too. My supposed friend, who was my enemy was in therapy due to depression. Funny how close they were she never told him that. I think when I told him that he started to see the real her and not the fantasy her, he was holding on to. He had been attracted to her since he first met her.

I have disassociated with every female that has ever made an inappropriate comment about my WH.
What are women thinking when they tell you that if you weren't around they would go after your WH. I mean seriously. Marriage needs more respect than it gets. Monogamy should not be a strange concept.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, January 18th (Sunday)

wolf-heart- I hear you. This is why I pretty much gave up on female friends altogether. Which is sad, because in my rational mind I 'know' there are many decent females with self-control who have actual MORALS and do not destroy other people's relationships. But, the rest of my mind cannot accept it or allow myself to be hurt any more. It's just not worth the risk.

And I learned a long time ago.. that I do not ever, ever share details of my personal life with any female who knows my H. No way. You give them good info, they want it for themselves. You give them bad info- they think they deserve better. FROM YOUR partner.
I actually had one skank say to me (who knew my H before I met her)- 'Oh, so YOU'RE the lucky girl who gets to be with (Mr. CJ)'...!!
Yeah and guess who was fucking Mr. CJ, the first chance she got..?? While stupid me was off dealing with a mother with dementia, and putting my grandmother in a nursing home, and various family crises that were happening all at once..?? And all those things that a good, responsible daughter is supposed to deal with. Yeah THANKS everyone!!
Yeah, I'm sooooooooooo lucky.

So now I swear if I ever hear a comment like that again- or they give me that 'look' where they're 'eyeing you up' so to speak.. and that kind of friendly, seemingly-innocent banter about how I'm 'so lucky' or whatever.. I swear I will do something that will not be pretty or nice. (actual description of physical violence censored here.)
Because it turns out- there IS no friendly banter- there is only a WARNING- of what they are going to do. That is- if they haven't done it already by the time you've met them.

If you look carefully, and do NOT EVER give the 'benefit of the doubt'.. You will notice that these predators will usually drop subtle hints and clues of what they're about to do. You just have to be paying attention.



Posts: 442 | Registered: May 2013
Furious1
Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 19th (Monday)

I understand about no longer having close female friends. I have major trust issues as a result of all this mess. My best friend from high school lives right across the street from me, yet we don't hang out or even talk regularly. It's common knowledge that she is messing around on her husband just as he messes around on her. When she first moved in, she had asked me what my WH was like in bed. The fact that she was even curious about that was a huge red flag for me. WH has since admitted that she let him know that she was interested in fooling around with him. As a result, I am always on my guard with her.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD26 from his 1st M. DS21 from my 1st M. DD17 (autistic), OC18 (S), OC17 (D)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14). True R: 12/24/14
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 19th (Monday)

Oh my goodness my prayers are with you! How sick of them! You know I understand that you may not want to hurt your children. Although they are not healthy people for your kids. And you for that matter. You should speak with a therapist about how to handle getting you kids away from them. If these people your mom and sister were really getting help they would excuse themselves from family functions. They did this to themselves. You are in my prayers!! I am so sorry about what has happened. I am also happy you have not taken you life. Just think if you did you would mess your kids up but also leave your kids where these horrible people can do more damage on them! I am so sorry!! Girl you are a stron women and should be proud!! I am proud of you!!!


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
Tootsieone
Member
Member # 44734
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, January 22nd (Thursday)

I am in the same situation as many on this thread. My WH had an affair with my Cousin's Mum who was also one of my friends.

BACK GROUND INFO
My H and I have a holiday home, my Cousin his partner and his Mum also have 1 in same location. We spend many happy times together, parties, BBQ etc so we all decided to go on holiday last April, big mistake. Innitally I didn't think anything of it but them seemed to be chatting more but we were all friends. Then in May he started acting strange, phone never out of his hand, going for walks on his own, etc. I started getting suspicious and started keeping a closer eye on him, thought he was having and affair but did not suspect her. Things continued to be strange so in June I set up a recorder at home and taped a phone call between them, heart breaking. I confronted both of them but they denied anything physical which I know if a load of crap. But said they would not continue. Then in August we went on holiday (just the 2 of us) and I followed him 1 day to a phone box were he called her. I told him that was it I was leaving as soon as we got home, this really shocked him and he begged forgiveness. So we are working at R I do believe there is NC now but I still am deeply hurt by this double betrayal. I still have unanswered questions, and it is getting close to the holiday home season and I know we will see her. Sorry for the long post but could do with some advise on how to address things.


ME BS - 42
H - 47
OW - 56
A Started end of April 2014
DD 1 11TH JUNE 2014 (Deep in the fog) - False R
DD 2 3RD AUGUST 2014 SAME OW
OW Cousins Mum and ex-friend
R - Both of us working hard

Posts: 183 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Northern Ireland
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 23rd (Friday)

You will notice that these predators will usually drop subtle hints and clues of what they're about to do. You just have to be paying attention.

This is so true and they are predators.
I actually had one friend tell me once that she could have my WH any time she wanted, but she wouldn't since we were friends and she had been cheated on. Well, she wasn't the OW, but she and I stopped being friends.

You know truthfully I never told the details of our sex lives with anyone. It was more of our lives together details. If asked about the sex I just gave a blanket statement that it was very good and we are a perfect fit. That seemed harmless. Not anymore. If someone asks I will be asking why do they want to know and that just that question is a friendship breaker for me now. No intimate details even of just the fun stuff we do. They get the public knowledge version of our lives if I can open up like that again.

Tootsieone- Welcome to the club. Wish you didn't have to be a member.

Here is one of my fears. My WH had the first A when I was on strict bedrest with our second son's pregnancy. He sent me to his parents because the stress of me and our toddler was too much. Plus, he couldn't care for our toddler and I was on bedrest. So, in a sense I was sick and he had an A.

The second A happened when I was on the wrong medications and they were making me depressed and made my illness worse. So, again, sick and he had an A.

I am waiting right now to find out if I have cancer or not. I am facing either a very complicated surgery that will remove one of my ribs or radiation therapy. Not to mention what else they decide to do. So, again I am sick in a sense.

I am terrified. He keeps telling me he will stick around. He is attentive and takes off work to go to my appointments. Which with his job is very difficult. He is being the nicest he has ever been to me other than our first year of marriage when we had a still birth. However, I can't shake this deep rooted fear that frankly has me more worried than anything the doctors have told me in the past 3 months. I don't know how to shake it other than him proving over time that it is not true.

Meanwhile, I don't have a lot of friends to call and talk things out. I don't trust one of them to not try to take advantage of the situation.

I am really hating life right now.



Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, January 24th (Saturday)

You will notice that these predators will usually drop subtle hints and clues of what they're about to do. You just have to be paying attention.
It is amazing how many do seem to follow the same pattern. OW Predator in my case. a "friend", gave some hints and clues before, and after (that is how I found out.)


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago, with a "friend" of mine
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DDay)
DDay 12/2012
Married a long time, in R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Aug 2014
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 4th (Wednesday)

On the topic of predators dropping clues and hints:

I didn't notice until Dday, but the OW ( my friend) kept asking me questions about sex with my husband. I am generally just an open book, so I'm just chattering away about how great he is in bed.

I even told her about an ex girl friend that he had who smelled like fish down there, and this fact made the OW go and douche before sex every time.

And the OW's mouth is how I figured it out also. She invited my husband to come over with all our kids to play games in her garage while I was in the hospital recovering from having a baby ( Like wolf heart, my WH cheated while I was basically sick and needing him). Then she said to me the next day, " I just want to find a boyfriend that I can play games with and have fun". My 8 yo had told me that they went over there to play games, which I found odd. And I thought "WAIT, my HUSBAND is the one you are playing games with!" But I waited until the kids were in bed that night and then I asked him. Stupidly, I thought maybe they had kissed at the most. I never would've guessed they had been having sex for most of my pregnancy.

Why didn't I divorce him that very day?


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
tobeanant
Member
Member # 46604
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 13th (Friday)

I just feel so friggin messed up about this. My WBF cheated with an ex from years ago, who was a family friend and recently married. This woman pretended to be my friend, hung out with me, invited me to her house for a party... My BF had dumped her for me years ago, and part of me thinks this was her revenge? Or something? But she has an awesome husband. My WBF and I were together over 10 years.

During their affair he even took her along to buy me presents on repeated occasions. I just can't even imagine that. Like, what in the world?

After another one of their "meetings", she came back to our apartment and I fed them both food, she was really friendly and chatty, knowing that she had just effed around with him. I know I wouldn't be able to show my face to anyone if I had done that.

For some reason my WBF still seems to think she's a good person. One clue he dropped on me about his involvement her is that she was "always being so nice" to our dog. I found out about their affair via recording them one day in our living room, heard them before, during and after. One thing that stuck out to me was that at one point my WBF left the room and she yelled at my dog- not so NICE after all. It just seemed like she was putting up this act to get him to like her more.

I just don't understand people at all. I always had a weird "I think she might hate me for no reason" vibe from her, but I ignored it, thinking I was just being insecure. I can say I will never, ever ignore my intuition again.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2015 | From: Massachusetts
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, February 16th (Monday)

Sorry you are here. Did this just happen or years ago. That makes a big difference in what I would say back to youR post. One thing I can tell you is that if he is saying that he is in la la land! The fog is way to heavy in his parts of the world.


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)

Bump


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 21(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3919 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
tobeanant
Member
Member # 46604
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, February 19th (Thursday)

Lethealbegin, not sure if your question was directed to me- but either way this was all very recent, about two/three weeks ago.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2015 | From: Massachusetts
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, February 20th (Friday)

Yes Tobeanant the question was for you. Sorry I did not make that clear. :) He is in what we call "the fog" I am sure you are learning more about this horrible thing that is called infidelity!! I am so sorry this has happened. Have you looked in the healing library?


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, February 21st (Saturday)

I am curious how many in double betrayal actually make it to R?

I am so stuck in the hearing her name, seeing her around town etc that It just makes me sick. Especially when I know how they were BOTH playing me, mind F-ing me, screwing with my mental state for so long.

Can anyone really ever get over double betrayal?


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, February 22nd (Sunday)

Girl power! You can get over it! She is nothing more then a peice of garbage! I totally understand how you are feeling and why. Although she does not deserve the space in your
Head. By having her in your head you are letting her
Still "play you" Again she is scum, cum dumpster and etc..
Bottom feeder. She does not deserve head space on your
Pretty head! Do you go to therpy? Sorry you are here
You will make it out of this.


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, February 22nd (Sunday)

The daily grind of life brings the OW in front of me, involved with children etc. Its tough.

I wonder - why am I even trying? I can't escape this - every which way I turn I am still just so enraged that my personal life, my children's life, my professional life, my friends - everything has been affected. Can it ever truly get better?


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
livinganew
Member
Member # 40270
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 22nd (Sunday)

I am so stuck in the hearing her name, seeing her around town etc that It just makes me sick. Especially when I know how they were BOTH playing me, mind F-ing me, screwing with my mental state for so long.

Can anyone really ever get over double betrayal?

girlpower, I hear you. You are in shock and trauma right now, and know that you WILL make it.

I felt much of what you described above--to the point of sickening nausea with how I felt treated by two of the people with whom I was closest in my life (at the time). I was in shock for 8 months; my weight fell below my high school weight and there was nothing I could do about it.

Around 8 months post D-Day, I felt my body start to relax, and knew I was going to start putting the weight back on. Slowly, I did.

I then spent the balance of two years from D-Day, trying to understand what the hell happened. Only now have I started to regain my enthusiasm for life and challenges.

The bottom line is that, for whatever failing I may have had as a spouse, their mutual decision to do what they did says everything about them--and NOT me. The truth is, they weren't thinking about me, AT ALL.

At some point, I decided that I no longer was going to live my life out of others peoples' judgments... That I am a complete person who no longer values THEIR behavior and selfishness, over my integrity and honor. You will get to that point.

I'm not saying any of this to belittle or diminish your pain. On the contrary, I get it. My XWW's and friend's 5-year double betrayal was the most shattering experience I've ever had, and not by a little bit. It was 50 times worse than the death of my mother.

It'd have been infinitely better if my XWW had just died--there is no deceit in death.

Now, two years out, I'm actually grateful for my ordeal; grateful for the gifts it has given me: my more meaningful, compassionate, and loving life.

I'm alone, but not lonely. I have a deep, strong peacefulness in me, integrity, honor, a much deeper relationship with God (which grew tremendously via this ordeal), and like who I am.

My perspective on what happened has completely flipped. Instead of feeling that it was grotesquely unfair that my XWW could simply leave me in a shattered heap to go be with my "friend," I now believe (and this may sound weird) I am the lucky one.

I'm the one who got stronger, more compassionate, loving, and focused on what I want out of life and my mission in it. I have a deep happiness with myself, and am increasingly grateful for ALL of my life that has lead to where I am right now; penning this post.

And them? They get to live with their evil, selfish choices for the rest of their lives, that blew up two families.

I wouldn't trade my choices and life for theirs, for anything in the world.

You are the one who behaved rightly; you are the honorable one; and you are the one who in the long-term will be enormously happy with, and grateful for, your life--exactly as it is. Believe it.

Blessings, LA


D-Day: Dec 2012
Me: 57 BH; XWW: 55 (then)
16-yr EA and PA w/MOM--her boss; my "friend"
Married 30 yrs - 2DS: 27 & 25; DD: 21 (then)
Left for her AP
Divorced Jan 2014

Embracing my integrity and honor-rich life.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: SW Mich
livinganew
Member
Member # 40270
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, February 23rd (Monday)

girlpower, your WH is still in the picture, right? (And from what I've read of your posts, he's less than 1000% devoted to your healing...)

I tried to "nice" my XWW back after D-Day (a pitiful failure, of course), but did insist that she couldn't simultaneously work for AP and stay with me. So, she quit her job and waffled with me for four months, then decided to go back to him. She moved out six months after D-Day and filed for divorce.

That closure was a big help in my healing. While my trauma continued, I at least had some clarity as to what was going down.

Closure and clarity provide energy. Healing is immensely more difficult without them, IMO. Maintaining NC with my XWW and AP added yet more clarity and closure.

So, that's a question I have for you... Would clarity/closure help, and if so, what would that look like for you?

Blessings, LA


D-Day: Dec 2012
Me: 57 BH; XWW: 55 (then)
16-yr EA and PA w/MOM--her boss; my "friend"
Married 30 yrs - 2DS: 27 & 25; DD: 21 (then)
Left for her AP
Divorced Jan 2014

Embracing my integrity and honor-rich life.


Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: SW Mich
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 23rd (Monday)

Girlpower - I don't know how you do it, seeing the OW around town, staying with your husband - who shows no remorse and does not "get it".

I know it's early still for you, and trust me, I felt that I was the one "in the fog" for so long, trying to save the family, trying to make sense of it all, in such anger at the OW (friend), in denial that this Jerry Springer life - was really happening to me, you know?

For me - my healing started, when he finally left for his own place, and then when a year later when I sold the marital home, only then did I really start to feel like my old self again, like a weight had been lifted off of my heart. Him, the house - were triggers for me, and it constantly reminded me of their betrayal.

Girlpower, it's impossible to R with someone that "doesn't get it" doesn't understand your pain - "why aren't you over it, why are you still talking about this, I'm no longer with her, she's not a bad person", blah blah blah -
You can't R with this type of person- trust me - I tried, many many times - to save my family, and because I still loved this man so much, but I finally, finally got it - I had to love ME now - and I knew that staying with him, I wasn't loving ME.

My STBXH is very regretful, but he is not remorseful, doesn't "get" my pain, and he certainly does not love me ENOUGH - to make changes in himself - in order to save our family.

What steps are you going to take to LOVE yourself?



~~When people show you who they are believe them ~~ Maya Angelou

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jan 2013
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 23rd (Monday)

Those are some of the most beautiful posts I've read yet and really have me thinking . . . thank you so very much.

CH


Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 23rd (Monday)

Girl power I can tell you this. My healing did not start until my WH stopped being and ass. Until he started working on him. Until he really faced what he did. It was not an easy road. Also about your xfreind I totally understand how hard it is. My friends would bump into her and would tell me every time. Once I realized how everyone hated her and were disgusted by her presence. Did I become free. Let's face it she is not a happy person. She may want you to believe she is but really she is misrible. She really is! She is a disgusting person that no one wants to deal with! She is gutter trash and always will be. You girl power can hold your head up high! Nothing you did made them to do this. They did it all themselves and do not let anyone tell you otherwise! When I go around town I have a smile so wide and my head held up high. She may of wanted my life but ha ha she will never ever have it! You know why because I have intigaty She will never have that!! Ha ha ha the OW is pitiful excuse for a human! Gutter scum, trash and a cumdumpster!! You have class and are proud of who you are. She will never have that!! Take that to the bank girl power! As for you WH he needs to get out of the fog!! Hugs girl


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
girlpower
Member
Member # 45224
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 23rd (Monday)

Thank you - I really needed to hear all these words. Thank you!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2014
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, February 26th (Thursday)

I think it is possible to reconcile with a double betrayal. You get rid of the "friend" and focus on the marriage. I think just getting past an A is very difficult. I feel like my happiness was stolen from me, and although I remain in the marriage and I keep breathing, I am never ever happy and carefree.

14 years from Dday, I don't care about the OW, ex friend, anymore.

Now, my question is: Why would my WH want to be with someone who could treat their friend that way? While I was being sweet to the OW, giving her money so her kids could have Christmas, being there for her during her D, and baby sitting her kids, SHE was being so two faced! She was acting nice to me when we would all 3 go out to breakfast after sitting together in church, and then she would tell my WH that they could get custody of my kids and get married.

IF I ever cheated on my WH with his friend, and I saw the friend treating my Wh this way, I would NOT want to be continuing a relationship with him.

How can they want to be with someone who can treat a "friend" this way?


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 26th (Thursday)

I think just getting past an A is very difficult. I feel like my happiness was stolen from me, and although I remain in the marriage and I keep breathing, I am never ever happy and carefree.

FreebyGrace - I feel sad for you, it's one thing to decide to forgive and reconcile - nothing wrong with that, but quite another to say that that you are never happy or carefree - for 14 years!!! Is this how you choose to live the rest of your life?


~~When people show you who they are believe them ~~ Maya Angelou

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jan 2013
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 26th (Thursday)

No, I wish I wasn't in this situation. I feel like a dog trapped in a cage and I keep looking for a hole, a way out but there isn't one.

We have 16 children together from 25- 1 yr. I homeschool them. I have a degree in elem ed. and a nursing degree, but I didn't keep up with the continuing ed in either one. I have tried to figure out how to get them reactivated, but I would have to start over from the beginning on the nursing degree, and it has been so long since the elem ed degree that I am out of the loop on the new teaching methods. I never received my teaching certificate but passed the Excet test (24 years ago). I don't think I can even get the certificate back.

So, I have 13 children still living at home. My husband makes very good money through his company and we have everything we need plus lots of extras like music lessons and my kids all swim competitively ($400 a month). They would lose all of that. Plus, I would lose seeing them 1/2 of holidays. I would have to go to work and put them in public school which would be a nightmare for them. Plus I wouldn't be with them as much. I would have 4 under 5 who would need daycare.

I can't figure out how to get out of the marriage without ruining their lives.


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 26th (Thursday)

Now, my question is: Why would my WH want to be with someone who could treat their friend that way? While I was being sweet to the OW,...
My question too. The OW ("friend") came to my house, sat in my chair, ate my food, drank my wine, all while she was screwing my husband. I baby sat her child while she was screwing my H.


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago, with a "friend" of mine
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DDay)
DDay 12/2012
Married a long time, in R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Aug 2014
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 26th (Thursday)

Exactly!! Are they not able to look at it subjectively? Here is a person ( OW) who would attack their friend who has done nothing to them except help them.

If I had a dog that attacked innocent bystanders, I would put them down.

I don't understand how a BH can look at his wife, the woman he married, his bride, the mother of children, and watch her while her friend betrays her and tears her to shreds. It makes me wonder if someone were stabbing me, would he stop them?


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 26th (Thursday)

Freebygrace, I'm sorry you are that situation, and I apologize if I came across judgmental - that was not my intention. I agree in your situation, it is a very difficult, just not impossible. Plus your WH will have to pay child support for all the kids still living at home, and spousal support. Get informed through a lawyer, knowledge is power.

No one deserves to live unhappy for the rest of their lives.


~~When people show you who they are believe them ~~ Maya Angelou

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jan 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 26th (Thursday)

Free- the only answer to "why" is there is no rational reason. I have asked my H, don't you even get mad for me, on occasion - that a friend treated me so terribly? But really, he just looks at his own responsibility.

The decision to cheat is not a rational weighing of options. If it were, it wouldn't happen so much and we'd all be on a board learning how to knit or something. She was broken, he was broken, and their broken found each other. So - it actually does make sense.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, February 26th (Thursday)

I will say things that the OW said to me and why would she say them that way, lies basically. All WH does says is he can't speak for other people. He can't speak for other people. That irritates me to no end. Can't he be mad as hell at how she and others treated me? No, he just says he can't speak for them with no emotions showing on his face. I wish for once I could see him get mad as hell at how OW and others have treated me.

I suppose it comes to respect. He still doesn't respect me. If he did then he would want to be my champion and be mad that anyone would hurt me. Either that or he has feelings for her still and can't be mad at her out of loyalty. I wish he had some loyalty to me.

Freebygrace- good luck with your situation. We all deserve happiness. I have moments of happiness. They are usually short-lived because of what WH did.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 2nd (Monday)


..certainly one of the major sore points is 'how does the WS stand by and allow the BS's friend to betray them and actually encourage it... for 18 years???

..would they standby and watch the 'friend' abuse your children? ..steal money? ..beat your dog?

..they actually took an active role in destoying our marriage , our family and our peace of mind.

..they participated in the destruction of trust and respect for all that was supposed to be good in our marriage and the friendship.

destruction of the most core values we hold in life.

..it defies comprehension that our spouse could be a party to this ..and with a friend, no less!

..and now...I'm supposed to be happy???

somebody just shoot me!!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 68
Her 64
Married 43 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!


Posts: 4461 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

I think part of the problem is we are decent people trying to understand the mind of dishonest, disloyal, disrespectful people. Decent people who aren't those things just can't understand that kind of behavior.

We would never treat a friend that way, so we can't comprehend what sort of psycho would. Let alone that our spouse we trusted would allow someone to treat us that way. After all, they did the same to us.

It just doesn't make sense to us. We aren't that cruel or mean.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)

I think you hit the nail on the head. We are not that cruel and can't understand it. Just like I don't understand murderers, or child abusers, I can't understand someone treating a friend that way.

But the WS is supposed to protect. They took vows to support the marriage, and love you.

Maybe the friendship wasn't as strong as I thought. Maybe I liked her more as a friend than she liked me?

But I really thought my spouse loved me more than that. That is what kills me everyday.


Me: BS 46
Him: fWH 49
OW #1 old girlfriend/ rug swept/ ONS
OW #2 my friend/ 3 months /while I was pregnant
Lots of kids, married 23 years
DDay #1 1995
DDay#2 01/16/01
Broke NC 10/11/14

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2014
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, March 27th (Friday)

I know the feeling. Her and her feelings mattered more to him than I did. That is the killer.
The only comfort I have is that he lied to her and she lied to him just about as much as they lied to me.

Too bad we didn't marry people who were and are as devoted to marriage as we are. Too bad we didn't have friends who wouldn't covet what we have. I suppose they are jealous of us and what we have so they destroy it. How horrible for someone who claims to care about you. How sad our spouses didn't protect the marriage or us better from such undeserving people.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, April 27th (Monday)

Her and her feelings mattered more to him than I did. That is the killer.
Yep, it is a killer. The double betrayal.


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago, with a "friend" of mine
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DDay)
DDay 12/2012
Married a long time, in R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Aug 2014
BS18years
Member
Member # 47402
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, April 27th (Monday)

That is the killer for me too. It isn't just the fact that my WH betrayed me....but he sat back and allowed TWO OW to act like friends to my face the entire time they were screwing him, just so he could get his jollies. Both OW are married, they were strictly booty calls. This went on for 3 to 4 years....makes me sick just thinking of all the times we spent hanging out with these couples during that time. FOUR people that thought sleeping with someone else's spouse AND flaunting it right under their nose was an OK thing to do.

We were good friends with OW2 and her husband. They have an open marriage. Her husband tried to get me to sleep with him. I politely declined, saying that I couldn't do that to my husband, nor to my friend, his wife (OW2). He told me that I was a truly remarkable and loyal person. I told him yes, to a fault....this was before I found out that she was sleeping with my husband. God, was I soooo stupid, naive, gullible.


WH - 41
BS (me) - 40
Married - 19 years, together 24 years
Two sons - 16 and 12
DDay - 7/23/14
EA - 1
PA - at least 6 dating back to 2003
LTA - 2 simultaneously that lasted 3-4 years
TT - last one in February 2015. I know there is more.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: Midwest
WineLover
New Member
Member # 47708
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)

Hello I am new to this forum. My husband had a LTA with my good friend. We did everything together as couples (vacations, holidays, etc.). Our daughters are best friends. To make matters worse, both couples are part of a larger friend group that socializes frequently.

We are reconciling, but I am having a really hard time knowing how to handle the issue with mutual friends. No one knows about the affair, but it is becoming more and more obvious that we no longer spend time together as couples. We have successfully avoided each other for the last 6 months.

Last weekend we were out with another couple and had an unfortunate run-in with the OW and her husband. We said goodbye to our friends and left abruptly. My husband and I did not say a word to the OW or her husband, nor did we make eye contact. It was a very awkward encounter to say the least.

Well, the story traveled quickly among my friends. I feel like the vultures are circling wanting all the gory details. When asked, I told them I no longer consider the OW to be my friend. They pressed me for details, but I told them it was a complicated situation that I didn't want to talk about. Of course this only fueled their curiosity.

A part of me would love to tell my friends how this woman betrayed me in the worst possible way. But this would expose my husband's betrayal as well. I feel there are several good reasons to keep quiet: 1) I don't want to be the source of town gossip 2) I don't want to risk my children finding out 3) I don't want my husband to be alienated by the group 4) I don't want outside input on my decision to stay in the marriage.

That being said, it infuriates me when I see how shameless the OW is. She wants me to act as if we are still talking to one another so that no one suspects anything. I simply can't bring myself to do that. My friends know there is some sort of rift between us, but they have no idea of the scope of it!

I am curious how others handled their situation. Did you tell mutual friends? Did you have any regrets?

[This message edited by WineLover at 1:06 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married 21 years
LTA with family friend
Dday: Oct 2014

"Being beautiful won't keep a man. Hell, being a good woman won't keep a man. The only thing that will keep a man is a man who wants to


Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: Small town, U.S.A.
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)

First, I'm sorry that you have found yourself here. (((( BIG HUGS))))

Well, your reasons to not say anything are all valid, especially if you are definitely Reconciling. However, you should not be ashamed of any of this, it is NOT YOUR SHAME to carry. It is your husband's.

In my opinion, it just sends him the message that there are no dire consequences for his shameful actions. This was not a one time little thing, from what you said - this was a LTA. And now they both walk around town like nothing happened, you have to eat that shit sandwich every time you see the OW? I honestly can't see how you can truly heal and move forward, if all is just swept under the rug and pretend that nothing happened - just so you can all keep up appearances as a happy couple. But of course, that is only my opinion. It's up to you what you can live with, and what you are willing to accept for YOURSELF.

I told everyone, his family, my family, our mutual friends - I didn't care, there was no way I was going to take any blame for the break-up of our marriage. No way.

Is there any way that you can move from this community and have a fresh start somewhere else?

And are you sure that their affair has ended? Does the OW's husband know?

[This message edited by jackie89 at 1:33 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]


~~When people show you who they are believe them ~~ Maya Angelou

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jan 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)

WL:
I resonate with your post, and we are about 18 months further along the path than you are. Maybe something here will help.

The AP and her H were friends of ours as well - I felt like my closest friends (and their kids) had been ripped away on dday. Our kids were friends as well, and we did have to stop that -- but, our son was 9 and we just said we weren't friends with the family anymore. He is a smart cookie and knows there was a falling out (and also knows by her behavior post dday that she is the problem and not her husband) and while he used to press for "why," we were firm in just saying it was an issue between adults.

As for the social network, that is tough. We went to the same church, same gym, a lot of the same friends (we had, like, 70 facebook friends in common) live 8 blocks apart, etc. etc. I thought people would notice when we stopped hanging out together, but they really haven't. I think people are much less observant about this type of thing than you might expect. At first I coordinated a few things with OBS to make sure we didn't go to the same things, but we have found that we end up at very few things together.

We haven't had the forced face-to-face with them in a group of friends yet, but in time you will be able to look through the AP. I began to realize that she was not ever really my friend - and that she will eventually be a tiny footnote in an otherwise happy marriage. It didn't feel that way at first - the betrayal was so acute. But, she has shown herself since dday to be the kind of person I'd not have been friends with if I had known. Callous, narcissistic, and with no grace or kindness for others. I bet you will start seeing these things about your ex-friend, too. Her sleeping with your husband didn't come out of the blue. . . it is likely part of a pattern of behavior that you didn't recognize. Also, I came to realize that our relationship with the AP and her husband overall wasn't the healthiest -- we relied on false intimacies, too much gossip instead of real communication, and they actually drank a whole lot. Why I didn't heed that red flag, I don't know. It bothered me, but like other things with her, I chose to ignore it because I had no reason not to. And, I liked them.

I did actually tell a few mutual friends, but only people that I trusted explicitly to keep my child (and AP's) safe from gossip. I do not talk about the affair with them, I only informed them to make some social situations easier. Of course, I told a couple girlfriends and my sister, so when I need to bitch about her, I can.

You'll find your way through this. Feel free to PM me if you ever need support from someone who has been there.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)

PS Our MC told me that I could acknowledge the situation with friends, without feeding the gossip mill. For example, if asked, saying -- "AP hurt me and my family terribly, and I am afraid it isn't something that is fixable. So, you'll understand if I don't want to (come to a party she's at, etc.) But, it is a private matter, and I that is all I am really going to say about it." I mean, she can't argue with that, right? And then, you don't have to get into defending your husband/discussing your relationship/details etc. But, you do get to call a spade a spade.

I have been prepared with this line for 2 years, but have never needed it. I am surprised your friends are so nosy! But, I live in the Midwest, and people are pretty private here. Thankfully!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:03 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BS18years
Member
Member # 47402
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)

I am pretty sure the open marriage couple (OW#1) we were friends with have told some, if not all of the group of friends we were all in. I am not sure how the 'why aren't bs18years and mrbs18years here' question gets answered amongst them. The way other people in our group of friends look at me, I am pretty sure they know. Depresses me to think people are wondering why I am still with WH. I cannot even answer that question to myself most of the time. At least my oldest son and their son are no longer friends, takes that aspect out of it.

However, having to tell my youngest that he cannot hang out with his friend (child of OW#2) anymore is heartbreaking. I just tell myself it is not my fault we are in this position, it is WH's fault.


WH - 41
BS (me) - 40
Married - 19 years, together 24 years
Two sons - 16 and 12
DDay - 7/23/14
EA - 1
PA - at least 6 dating back to 2003
LTA - 2 simultaneously that lasted 3-4 years
TT - last one in February 2015. I know there is more.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: Midwest
WineLover
New Member
Member # 47708
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 30th (Thursday)


you should not be ashamed of any of this, it is NOT YOUR SHAME to carry. It is your husband's.

So true. Shortly after Dday, I am embarrassed to admit that I apologized to my WH for not being a "better wife". Fortunately WH stopped me in my tracks and told me the affair was entirely his fault. I have come a long way since that point.

As for your questions, I would love to have a fresh start in a new town but that would be complicated. We still have two kids in high school and are about to embark on a home remodeling project. The OW's husband knows about the affair. I am 95% certain (can you ever be 100% ?) that it is over. I am lucky that WH is saying/doing all the right things.

At first I coordinated a few things with OBS to make sure we didn't go to the same things

I also tried coordinating things with the OBS but that didn't turn out so well. The other couple has made it clear that they will attend events whenever they want. They feel we need to be at the same events so people won't ask questions. My WH and I do not want to be anywhere near them, so sometimes we are forced to step aside.

But, she has shown herself since dday to be the kind of person I'd not have been friends with if I had known

That is so true! I now look back and see patterns in her behavior that should have been huge red flags (attention-seeking behavior, excessive drinking, flirting, secretiveness, etc. ) She repulses me so much now that I can't believe I ever considered her to be my friend.

AP hurt me and my family terribly, and I am afraid it isn't something that is fixable. So, you'll understand if I don't want to (come to a party she's at, etc.) But, it is a private matter, and I that is all I am really going to say about it."

Love this! I will put this this quote in my back pocket in case I need to use it.

Depresses me to think people are wondering why I am still with WH.

Yes, this is part of the reason I don't want people to know. Even I considered infidelity to be a deal-breaker. Funny how my perspective changed when I was actually faced with the situation.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married 21 years
LTA with family friend
Dday: Oct 2014

"Being beautiful won't keep a man. Hell, being a good woman won't keep a man. The only thing that will keep a man is a man who wants to


Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: Small town, U.S.A.
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, May 1st (Friday)

WL,

I'm glad that you have decided to R - i tried many times, but I couldn't being me the only one putting in the work.

That being said one can't just put the blame on the OW, because that's all heard from you and the below posters "she, she, she". NO. what about your WH?

The way I FINALLY saw HIS part like this, he knowingly allowed HER to backstab ME, every single time we were together or they were together. HE ALLOWED this being done to you!

So you will at some point need to start dealing with that, and that's when the real work begins. Will you trust him not to backstab you again? Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I just feel like your betrayal is more about the OW doing this to you, than your H. He is who truly betrayed you, she was just there, available for him!

Hugs, to all of you, I was there for so long, still am sometimes!


~~When people show you who they are believe them ~~ Maya Angelou

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jan 2013
WineLover
New Member
Member # 47708
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 4th (Monday)

Jackie89,

I do realize I have channeled much of my anger towards the OW. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism, because I still have a hard time believing WH was capable of doing this to me. IC says my anger towards OW could be because my relationship with her is more expendable than my relationship with WH. We've had a long marriage, 3 kids, etc. I am taking it one day at a time...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married 21 years
LTA with family friend
Dday: Oct 2014

"Being beautiful won't keep a man. Hell, being a good woman won't keep a man. The only thing that will keep a man is a man who wants to


Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: Small town, U.S.A.
SadButNotDead
Member
Member # 47486
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 5th (Tuesday)

I can relate, probably easiest to say my story closely resembles WineLover.

For the first few weeks after DDay I didn't leave the house, didn't speak to anyone (except WH and kids) as I tried to wrap my head around WTF just happened.

After a few weeks a mutual friend called for a general catchup and during the conversation asked after AP (having no idea what had been revealed). That's when I made my decision to protect myself and my children and not keep this dirty secret of the 6 month A. I needed The mutual friend and anyone else I deemed necessary to know so that myself and my kids would not be shamed by this secret. I personnaly told my mutual friends because I didn't want myself or my kids anywhere near the AP (bday parties, social gatherings etc).

Prior to this I had told a different close mutual friend simply 'the AP and I are no longer friends and I don't want to discuss it' thinking I was protecting the mutual friend from the fallout. She now knows why and explained to me when she didn't know why was the most worrying week of her life.

You see it's the secrets that you keep that keep you sick. My WH explained to the kids as approriatly as he could what he did and why we no longer see or are friends with the other family. The AP had gone to extraordinary lengths to infiltrate my home and systematically abuse (she is a predatory NPD) the trust of myself and my kids. My DD (7) has had the hardest time because she doesn't have the concepts of what an affair is only knows AP is not her 'friend' and never was. My hope is that being open and honest will ultimately be the long term behaviours We are modelling for our kids.

My need to not keep this A a secret has freed me from what I can only imagine would otherwise be a slow torture. We are several months out from DDay and I have had very mixed reactions from a variety of school colleagues, school administration and friends. Generally, mutual friends seem to be wanting to protect me and my kids from any school/social situations that arise. Several acquaintances who have raised the topic with me do so knowing it is not a secret. There has been mean, nosy , gossipy individuals who have questioned my oldest DS(9) regarding the A (I know right - some people should just be punched in the head) and thankfully he was as open and honest as he felt comfortable.
AP's BS made the family switch schools - thank goodness.

Essentially it is what it is! I can't change it. Que sera, sera.

I don't know if this has been the right approach or would suit everybody but there are times when I am clearly convinced it is. I don't have to spend anytime thinking about who knows or who doesn't.


Me: BW 40ish
Him: fWH 40ish
Almost 20 years together
DS: 9 DD: 7
DoubleBetrayal DDay: July 2014 (6 month EA/PA)
TT DDay: May 2015
July 2015: Ready to R (at least 95% convinced)

Posts: 78 | Registered: Apr 2015
BS18years
Member
Member # 47402
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 6th (Wednesday)

I was with my 12 year old in the gas station this weekend, when we saw one of the OW and her husband. (they have an open relationship, so both knew/asked my WH to sleep with the wife). My son said, 'look mom, it's so and so, let's say HI'. As he was waiving to them, I had to quickly explain to him that we were no longer friends with them. He didn't ask why, but proceeded to ask me why he couldn't still be friends with them and say hi to them. I did everything I could to keep from crying. I told him that it was his choice if he wanted to still talk to them, but that they were no longer me and WH's friends, so I asked him to please not call them over to us to say hi. He seemed to understand, wish it was that easy for me.


WH - 41
BS (me) - 40
Married - 19 years, together 24 years
Two sons - 16 and 12
DDay - 7/23/14
EA - 1
PA - at least 6 dating back to 2003
LTA - 2 simultaneously that lasted 3-4 years
TT - last one in February 2015. I know there is more.

Posts: 52 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: Midwest
scorpioqueen
New Member
Member # 47379
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)

I too have fallen in this category. My husband started an affair with my cousin who was like a sister to me. She lived with us for 2 months with her 16 yrs old son while she was waiting for her apt to be ready. We have 3 kids of our own as well 19 .15. 12. My daughter the 12 yr old caught them cheating while she lived there and never said anything until her dad moved out. He had moved out and is living with his sister and said he was leaving my cousin since the kids aren't ok with it. I wanted to kill both of them. They are not worth it. I have no contact with ex unless it's about . I tried to be friends since he left 3/13 but it is too hard. I cannot be friends since there is too much answer and hurt right now. As for my cousin she is dead to me. All the family had taken my side on this one and she is all alone as she should be. One day at a time and keeping myself busy has helped tremendously. But the most helpful thing had been no contact.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2015
Tootsieone
Member
Member # 44734
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, May 7th (Thursday)

My H had an affair last year with my Ex-friend I have been doing great for the last few weeks and our R was going well, however I have so much anger and hate inside this week I feel like I could explode. I am trying to keep this under control. So though if I write it down it might help. So here goes;
I HATE MYSELF - BECAUSE
• I should have been stronger
• I should not of let him see how vulnerable I was
• I should not have believed the lies they told me on 1st DD
• I trusted both of them with my life
• I let myself be in her company after 1st DD and showed her my weaknesses
I HATE MY HUSBAND –BECAUSE
• He cheated
• He lied
• He deceived
• He screwed someone else
• He knew I was hurting and continued all of above
• He continued A after 1st DD
• He ruined my life
• He blamed me
• He has taken something from me that I will never get back
• I can’t stop loving him
I HATE OW – BECAUSE
• She was supposed to be my friend and had been a part of my family for years, she had been previously married to my uncle
• She showed compassion and support when I told her I suspected H was having an affair (before I knew it was her)
• She reported everything back to H
• She denied PA said she was supporting him because he was depressed
• I lost 2 of my best friends - my cousin (OW son) and his partner
• She had been cheating on in the past and I helped her
• She is still breathing and walking about telling anyone that will listen that she was the innocent party


ME BS - 42
H - 47
OW - 56
A Started end of April 2014
DD 1 11TH JUNE 2014 (Deep in the fog) - False R
DD 2 3RD AUGUST 2014 SAME OW
OW Cousins Mum and ex-friend
R - Both of us working hard

Posts: 183 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Northern Ireland
xpavidusx
New Member
Member # 47815
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 8th (Friday)

My now ex-husband cheated with one of my best friends of 15 years. She was married to one of his best friends. For some reason I'm more angry at her than I am at my ex, has anyone else experienced that? I'm wondering if its because I had closure with my ex through the divorce but have not spoken to the OW since it happened.

[This message edited by xpavidusx at 3:00 PM, May 8th (Friday)]


BS (me) - 33
WH - 32
DD 1 9/2/2013
DD 2 3/23/2014 SAME OW
OW Ex-best friend
With WH: 9 years
Divorced: August 2014

Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2015
WineLover
New Member
Member # 47708
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 10th (Sunday)

TootsieOne -

I totally understand how you hate your husband and the OW, but PLEASE do not hate yourself. To be vulnerable and trusting is to be human.

The anger you feel is normal. I find it helpful to write down my thoughts as well. It puts the anger to rest (at least for a little while!).


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married 21 years
LTA with family friend
Dday: Oct 2014

"Being beautiful won't keep a man. Hell, being a good woman won't keep a man. The only thing that will keep a man is a man who wants to


Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: Small town, U.S.A.
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)

Xpavi,
I think sometimes that it is easy to get angrier at the OW b/c they are the ones from the outside that violated the family. I think it is partly biological.

Also, and sorry to the men, but there is an unspoken sisterhood that sleeping with your friend's husband violates. I don't think men have this as strongly, but women are the nurturers, and we are supposed to look out for our families, and each other. Affairs are a huge violation of all that is beautiful about being female.

Also, women aren't driven by sex drive as much as men are, so when a woman is after your man, she is usually after something else -- often, your life!! Or, at a minimum, your husband. That is very threatening. I think it is much easier for men to have affairs and do it mainly for the sex/feelings of "love"/admiration, but without any thought of it being a future thing. I don't think women are wired that way, usually. Men generally just want something on the side, and women are more likely to want your life. I know I am generalizing, but I think this is largely true.

I know my H's affair had very little to do with the OBS, who he was friends with too. Actually, it had nothing to do with him. I don't feel the same about the OW. We were friends, and turns out I was in a competition that I didn't even know about. I never dreamed anyone could be so terrible - I was so, so naive.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:37 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
trustedg
Member
Member # 44465
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)

there is an unspoken sisterhood that sleeping with your friend's husband violates. I don't think men have this as strongly, but women are the nurturers, and we are supposed to look out for our families, and each other. Affairs are a huge violation of all that is beautiful about being female.
I so agree with this. I think it is why I tried to deny that it happened, that a woman could do this to a friend.

I also think there was a sort of competition going on between me and OW but I didn't know it. Her H often complimented me on various things (cooking, etc, he was a nice guy) and he and I had interesting conversations about new scientific studies, politics, weather. OW didn't work, was not well read, had no outside interest. I never saw it then but now I wonder if that was part of it, she was jealous so decided to go after my H, all she had to offer was sex so she used it.


Me BW
Him WH - 1 yr PA, 25 yrs ago, with a "friend" of mine
ONS, 35 yrs ago (came out TT a few days after DDay)
DDay 12/2012
Married a long time, in R

Posts: 825 | Registered: Aug 2014
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 14th (Thursday)

Oh yes I feel that when "friends" do this it is jealously!

They envy us, what we have, and etc... I believe that 100%

The have inside information about you. For example your character, what you stand for, what type of person you are, how other feel about you. I could go on and on. Since they know so much about your inner being, I really believe they want to be you. The funny thing is once they cross that line, they will never be able to achieve anything remotely like you. Lol crazy when you think about it!

See I know who I am! I love who I am! I care for others, I have integrity!

Edited this to add more!

[This message edited by Lethealbegin at 2:42 PM, May 14th (Thursday)]


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 14th (Thursday)

Also, and sorry to the men, but there is an unspoken sisterhood that sleeping with your friend's husband violates.

I think this is way off the mark. Even "men" with little honor have the "bros before hos" motto - it's not an unspoken thing. It's a well-known fact that – friends just don’t do this to each other. Whatever phrase you use - "bros before hos", "don't shit where you sleep" or any of the other common phrases you use it's the same. One thing I've learned here on SI - there is no specialness to the sisterhood or the brotherhood that puts one above the other. The bonds of friendship, like the bonds of the M are open to be fucked over by someone who is selfish. It sucks to learn that the friend did not belong there – they were not a friend at all.
In my case years of friendship and shared experience (OM) as well as a pretty hot romance and very promising future (future W and again when she was my W) had no relevance to them – me, my history and my well-being took second fiddle to their selfishness and sense of entitlement. Neither had any respect for me. I’ve come to learn how messed up my wife’s thinking and emotional health were because she has been here to work through this crap with me. The friend will not have that opportunity and that is his loss. But I’m sure neither had any respect for themselves.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Jul 2011
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 17th (Sunday)

I think this is way off the mark. Even "men" with little honor have the "bros before hos" motto

Hmm. We were friends with the AP and OBS, and my H did not have that kind of relationship with the OBS. (Obviously!) I think different folks have different kinds of friendships. No doubt OBS felt betrayed terribly by my husband, but it is different in our case.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2896 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
humboldtmom
Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 23rd (Saturday)

Hi, haven't been to this site in a long time. I am currently divorcing H, who previously betrayed me with my sister, also he attempted to seduce my other sister. They have since both killed themselves. Ugly past, double betrayal complicates the already sucky world of infidelity. So, hello, fellow sufferers/survivors.


Me xBS
STBXWH - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP) and now OW#2/roommate
Together 19y Married 16y, now divorcing
3 children: 16, 14, 7
D-Day 9/2008, 7/2015

Posts: 301 | Registered: Nov 2008
nothingleft123
New Member
Member # 42418
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 1st (Monday)

I haven't been on here in over a year with my first post being the day after I found out that my husband had been involved in a year and a half (plus?) relationship with a man whose family and mine were best friends. Since that day, the other man's wife (my best friend) and I have kept our mouths shut, literally telling no one else, and have practically moved on as if nothing happened. My husband and I are together and the other man and his wife are still together and have even had another baby since (their 5th)....excuse my language, but what the fuck is wrong with me!? The silence and lack of action is taking it's tole on me. I'm so painfully lost in my own thoughts...our families are still friends...my husband and this man still talk and see each other (not romantically, or so I'm told). I feel like an idiot! A stuck idiot. If I ever try to bring it all up, I'm practically berated and told how "happy" I've been acting so it isn't fair to bring it up again...I just don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm hanging on for our kids (7,4,18 months) who I stay home with full time and home school and I'm afraid to give those things up which I know I would have to in able to support myself and our kids if I left. I feel so alone in this and just don't know what to do. My friend doesn't ever want to talk about it either, even though she's the closest person I have to knowing what I'm going through and the only person aside from my husband and the other man who knows...she just wants to move forward and I don't want to hinder that, but I just need someone who knows what I'm going through to tell me that it'll be okay...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2014
Ginny
Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

I am so sorry! You have a lot to bear right now. It sounds like there is a whole lot of rugsweeping going on.

I think you should probably start taking care of YOU, too:

1. Career: Is there a way to obtain skills or brush up on old ones while still staying at home so if something happens and you decide to move out you will have a way to support yourself? Maybe you could take an online class or get certified or licensed in a field you enjoy?

2. Network: I would find outlets that help you network with others so if the time came you were looking for a job, you would have a pool of people to give you tips and encouragement. Volunteering, civic organizations, churches, moms groups, etc may be good places to start. You will meet other friends and people to talk to.

3. Mental: Independent couseling for you seems like a MUST!

4. Physical: Definitely see a Doctor about std testing. It would seem hard to believe this were his first and only time to cheat whether it be with a man or woman. The Doctor can also help if you need ADs or anything else. My health tanked after the affair from all the stress on my body. Exercise, eat well and drink lots of fluids. Walk at least 10,000 steps each day.

5. Financial: Have you seen a lawyer to find out what your options are? You dont have to file for divorce, but it may be smart to have a free consult with a lawyer just to find out the "what ifs". Save some money each week for you to have access to should you need it in the future.

Best of luck to you, friend. You can do this, but please dont rug sweep. Things that are swept under the rug tend to come up again later. Trust me, this I know!!


BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

Posts: 346 | Registered: Apr 2014
Nexttome
New Member
Member # 45693
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

I agree. The double betrayal hurts SO bad.

Sometimes I catch myself missing the OW who was my friend. She was a go-to for talking about problems (lol- I know she took advantage of that). It feels really pathetic when I remember that she didn't really care about me.

I was going through post pardom depression and I really needed that friend and my husband and they were too busy with each other.

(((((hugs)))) to anyone who can relate to a double betrayal.


D-Day 11/14/14
Me (BS)- 30
Him (WH)- 35
Kids- 5 and 1.5
H had a mostly EA for 6-month with my friend, fooled around next to me while I was asleep, went on dates, and slept together in my bed.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Midwest
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)

NothingLeft

I'm so sorry you are here. You'll find great help in this site. Also post in Just found out forum.

Your situation is really hard, but in this case especially In my opinion it is NOT something you can sweep under the rug. If your husband has been having an affair with another man for over a year - then at the very least he has strong gay tendencies.

Is that something you can live with for the rest of your life? And I hate to tell you this, if he's still in contact with him, then most probably the affair has continued. You need to at least right now - demand that he goes NO CONTACT with OM immediately.

Do you want to live an authentic life? Living with this secret, not being able to talk about it even with your WH, is a horrible, horrible way to live, and it will do tons of damage to your soul, to your health.

Go talk to a lawyer, know your facts, know your rights. You have 3 children, you will get Child support - if you decide to divorce. You do not have to live this life - if that's not what YOU want.

Take your power back.

You are young. You are strong. This is not your fault. This is not your shame to carry. Please, please talk with people in real life. Go to Counseling. We are here for you too.

((( HUGS))))


~~When people show you who they are believe them ~~ Maya Angelou

Posts: 709 | Registered: Jan 2013
UnwiseOne
Member
Member # 44760
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 7th (Sunday)

I was really missing my XBFF too, but she did me a favor. A month or so ago, she contacted my husband. She called him (from a pay phone I found out later, as she knew her phone number was blocked fromWH's phone). WH did the right thing!! He texted me right after the phone call. She said stupid shit like she wanted to make sure WH and I were going to be ok.

I unblocked her number on my phone and texted her:

Why did you call WH? That is not remotely ok. I don't care that you never got to say goodbye. You forfeited the right to have any contact with him.

Really. You can call and talk to WH, but you can't call and talk to me?

What would your husband say if he knew? I'm trying to decide if I'm going to call him.

The rest of the text conversation was filled with lame excuses and things such as:

In my dreams your eyes were sparkling with or without your husband. It was you, who was at peace and the world was your adventure.

Is it ok with you if I heal and succeed at something? I don't know if there's anything I will succeed at but I know I won't even try if you need me to fail.


Anyway, her texts were bizarre. She is not the same person I remember.

She did me a favor. I will no longer miss her. She betrayed me a second time by contacting WH. Bye XBFF.


Me: BW (41)
Husband: WH (43) NotJamesBond
Married: 22 years in June
Children: 18, 20, 21
DD: 8-29-14 OW#5: xBFF
DD2: WH confessed 10-29-14 OW #4(LTA 2+ years), #3(LTA 18+ years), #2, and #1
MC since 9-6-14
Both in IC
Working on R

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: On Planet WTF
Nexttome
New Member
Member # 45693
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 24th (Wednesday)

- knowingly allowed HER to backstab ME, every single time we were together or they were together. HE ALLOWED this being done to you!

I totally agree with that satement. I am so angry with him sometimes. He knows how much friendship means to me and how precious staying married is after watching my mother struggle as a widow and her kids enduring abuse from one of her boyfriends.

I caught WH and OW/BF kissing a the beginning of their "relationship" and they had passed it off as some drunken fluke- he even cried and said how sorry he was, even after they resumed the relationship. They literally fooled around behind my back- it is so sick what they did to me. And I hate that I didn't stop them.

I am dealing with very deep depression and I would love to hear something positive to get me through this. My counseler says things like "he picked you didn't he, the past is in the past, you need to decide to move forward..." and none of it is very helpful.


D-Day 11/14/14
Me (BS)- 30
Him (WH)- 35
Kids- 5 and 1.5
H had a mostly EA for 6-month with my friend, fooled around next to me while I was asleep, went on dates, and slept together in my bed.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Midwest
WineLover
New Member
Member # 47708
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 26th (Friday)

Nexttome-
My Dday is close to yours so we are at the same point in this journey. Without question this has been the most difficult period of my life. The pain is still very raw, but I do think it has changed over time. I no longer think of the affair 100% of the time. I am able to spend quality time with my husband. When we share good times together sometimes I totally forget about the affair. Then something will trigger me and the hurt starts all over again. But I still view this as progress!

Are you sure the affair has ended?? Is he being completely transparent?

I seriously considered going on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication at one point. Have you ever thought about that? It might help you process things a bit easier. Hugs to you!

[This message edited by WineLover at 8:45 AM, June 26th (Friday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married 21 years
LTA with family friend
Dday: Oct 2014

"Being beautiful won't keep a man. Hell, being a good woman won't keep a man. The only thing that will keep a man is a man who wants to


Posts: 34 | Registered: Apr 2015 | From: Small town, U.S.A.
Nexttome
New Member
Member # 45693
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)

I believe the affair is over. I just have such a hard time believing that he really loves me the way I have always wanted him to after stabbing me in the back for 7 months. I have a hard time getting over the fact that I was in denial even though deep down I knew something was going on. I will be fine and then a memory or something will come up and it is like a slap in the face every time. I definitely feel extreme lows more now than ever.

I have thought about medication but I don't do well with medicine. I tend to react very strongly to side effects. It's a last resort for me but I am going to have to find a way to be happier.


D-Day 11/14/14
Me (BS)- 30
Him (WH)- 35
Kids- 5 and 1.5
H had a mostly EA for 6-month with my friend, fooled around next to me while I was asleep, went on dates, and slept together in my bed.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Midwest
Nexttome
New Member
Member # 45693
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)

I feel like they both (BF and WH) had pretty genuine apologies. I think he is sorry, but I know he doesn't like to talk about it. He gets mad when I bring it up because he said he can't stand to relive it. I obviously am having a hard time letting it go. I have had at least one breakdown a day for nearly 8 months.


D-Day 11/14/14
Me (BS)- 30
Him (WH)- 35
Kids- 5 and 1.5
H had a mostly EA for 6-month with my friend, fooled around next to me while I was asleep, went on dates, and slept together in my bed.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Midwest
humboldtmom
Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 5th (Sunday)

Next, you are not to blame for him getting upset about bringing up the A. He doesn't like to be reminded of what a jerk he was. That's not your burden. Just sayin'. You do what you need to heal and he will either help or hinder you. ((Hugs))


Me xBS
STBXWH - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP) and now OW#2/roommate
Together 19y Married 16y, now divorcing
3 children: 16, 14, 7
D-Day 9/2008, 7/2015

Posts: 301 | Registered: Nov 2008
Cannondale
New Member
Member # 46901
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 9th (Thursday)

I can totally relate to this topic and how everyone effected feels. I too have been through the double betrayal scenario, triple betrayal in my case as at the time another so called friend was going on double dates with his girlfriend, my girlfriend and the friend of mine she was cheating on me with. A nicely cosy little foursome. To this day that third person doesn't think they did much wrong. Well if he ever ends up in my shoes I reckon he'd think somewhat different. If he ever went through the hurt they all put me through he would finally understand perhaps just what it felt like to be me.

What hurts the most for me is all these years later after this took place my so called friend who went off with my girlfriend has never even attempted to apologise to me. Never shown the slightest hint of remorse or sorrow or regret. I'd been friends with him for many years prior, i'd set him up with my cousin (whom i'm quite protective over) and after that introduced him to a friend of mine who he was with for a good few years. He came to a lot of our family parties and he was like a part of my family in many ways. He was like a brother at times.

Yet this person ruined what for me what was a really deep relationship in that I loved the bones off her. I caught him one night in a nightclub kissing my girlfriend. After a huge argument and a few days of them both telling me it was a mistake etc I let them off and tried to carry on as normal. Only for me to find out a couple of months later they were seeing each other behind my back.

Here we are years later and although I've long moved on, I guess I've never been able to find the peace and closure I need to truly put it to behind me. I'd give anything to just have a simple sorry.

That would mean so much to me.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2015
Nexttome
New Member
Member # 45693
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 9th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry that you went through this and didn't get an apology from your "friend". I am very sad that my husband hasn't apologized to his friend and coworker- OW's husband- that was also betrayed. He thinks because the marriage was already irreparable that somehow the injury should be less- little does he know the psychological damage that is done to a wronged individual by someone they trusted.

I think most affairs are about the ego- and getting caught deflates that. An apology would be harder for someone seeking this sort of gratification- just my opinion. I obviously don't know him but I think whatever he used to justify what he did to you is probably still stuck in his not-so-moral mind.


D-Day 11/14/14
Me (BS)- 30
Him (WH)- 35
Kids- 5 and 1.5
H had a mostly EA for 6-month with my friend, fooled around next to me while I was asleep, went on dates, and slept together in my bed.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Midwest
Nexttome
New Member
Member # 45693
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 9th (Thursday)

I will add that I had sent a forgiveness letter to the OW/BF before I received a true apology- I still wanted her dead but it gave me closure. She said she had been too ashamed to contact me and then I got my apology.If you need closure that could work for you. You are already the bigger person.


D-Day 11/14/14
Me (BS)- 30
Him (WH)- 35
Kids- 5 and 1.5
H had a mostly EA for 6-month with my friend, fooled around next to me while I was asleep, went on dates, and slept together in my bed.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Midwest
Cannondale
New Member
Member # 46901
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 9th (Thursday)

I'm really intrigued by this forgiveness letter you've mentioned. What did you say to them?

Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2015
Nexttome
New Member
Member # 45693
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 20th (Monday)

The forgiveness letter pretty much said that I know I played a small part in what happened- at least in my marriage- and that I want to let go of what they did to me. I admit I was much nicer than I felt because I had said really horrible things to the OW out of anger and I didn't want her to try to be with my husband out of spite. I also wanted to feel like the bigger person, my self esteem took a big hit.

I really wanted closure and to let go of the anger and bitterness (still waiting for that to happen). Hearing that she was remorseful did help, but in my case it opened up the door for further communication and I ended up getting every detail from her about the affair to 'fact check' what my husband told me.


D-Day 11/14/14
Me (BS)- 30
Him (WH)- 35
Kids- 5 and 1.5
H had a mostly EA for 6-month with my friend, fooled around next to me while I was asleep, went on dates, and slept together in my bed.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2014 | From: Midwest
TopsyTurvey
New Member
Member # 27048
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 27th (Monday)

Been having a tough time lately. It's coming up to the sixth anniversary of the double betrayal of my husband and our long time friend. Oh, how I wish I could stop running this over and over in my mind. My husband has given me no reason to suspect him of anything involving the AP. I am quite sure he has been NC since 1/2010. We're both retired now. I just wish i could be more trusting. I have no reason not to trust him. It's ME and I know it. He never talks about the affair. The AP contacted him through FB but he has not opened up the email and she has been blocked from both his and my accounts. Believe it or not, she sent a FB friend request to me but not my husband, the arrogance is unbelievable. We only live blocks apart but have been fortunate enough to not run into each other in the neighborhood. I keep wondering if I should go back to IC, or try to start a conversation with my husband about my feelings. That would be the best, I think. But, he's so ashamed. He has tried so hard but I, unfortunately, have become so hard. So, not like me. I was a kind, trusting, some folks call me a Pollyanna and I'm a retired RN which the word Pollyanna is not a usual description. Thanks for letting me unburden.

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2010
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 27th (Monday)

Hi Topsy! I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling right now. I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary of Dday, so understand how you feel! I was hoping by year 6 I wouldn't even notice when it comes around, but I really believe I will! This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

I agree that letting your H know how you feel is a good idea! If your like me, the more time that passes,the harder it becomes to bring up the A, and my H never does! He says he hates talking about it, wishes it would never have happened, and doesn't want to relive it either. However, I remind him that sometimes it's just what "I" need!

I can't believe she sent a FB friend request to you! What nerve! My FWH AP was my brothers wife and they seperated several years ago but she just recently moved back in with him! I'm just thankful they live 500 miles from us!

I hope you are both enjoying retirement! Believe it or not, I went back to college in my early 50's to get my Nursing Degree! I felt so honored because they only took a certain amount of students & I got in. However I didn't finish because of a bad back & some other issues. I only lacked 1/2 semester getting my LVN and 1 1/2 to get my RN! I was pretty bummed! It had been my life dream! But the experience was still awesome! I bet you were a great nurse!

I hope you will talk to hubby and get that reassurance or whatever you need to feel better! Let me know! Hugs to you!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:2 D Grandchildren
"Life is a journey, travel with Care "...Me 🙈🙉🙊"Life is not a dress rehearsal, make the ONE you have count"....Me

Posts: 794 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Never Neverland
DailyReprieve
Member
Member # 46662
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 8th (Saturday)

It was one year ago today that my ww told me that she had an affair with my brother. I guess it's been the usual infidelity roller coaster ride to hell and back. We have been trudging our way through R since dday. Much TT, and that's the hardest part now. While she has been remorseful and all about taking responsibility and changing, I'm troubled with uncertainty on whether she's told the whole story or left some details twisting in the dark ominous clouds of TT.

In the aftermath of dday she also admitted she had a substance abuse problem. She became involved in AA, which has gone a long way in aiding our R and in my ability to see true remorse.

The A with my brother lasted 5 years as best as I can figure. After that there were a number of ons and at the end of her run a largely EA but also PA that lasted a few months. I have forgiven but rebuilding the trust will take a long time.

As far as my brother is concerned I had to battle for months the urge to physically tear him apart. His own drug problem had cost him everything before the affair began. Aside from being attracted to him, my ww felt sorry for him. And soon he was her source for weed. I had helped him more than anyone and couldn't imagine him betraying me like this. It's still a struggle at times to let that anger go but it has gotten better. I'm grateful that when I first found out that I was working 500 miles away from our hometown for another 6 weeks.

Another item I've wrestled a lot with has been contact with my family. Mom passed away 5 years ago. I haven't had much contact with my youngest brother since even before then for a variety of reasons, and his response to learning of my wife's affair with our middle brother pretty much renders that relationship dead. In the immediate, immensely emotional aftermath of dday any contact with the betraying brother's kids or my adopted father was incredibly difficult. Made me distance myself as much as possible. And now I feel much guilt about not being more accessible to our father. I spend every spring-summer away for work, but I should call more especially now that he is rehabbing some health issues in a nursing home. It's all such a trigger. I'm torn between knowing I need to do what's best for me these days, and the selfishness I'm displaying by being distant from him.

Anyway, a year out it still sucks but it is a lot better than it was. Thanks for letting me babble on this anniversary. Reading SI has helped in many ways and because of that I'm so grateful to no longer feel like I'm all alone in this cluster#$+!.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2015
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 10th (Monday)

I am sorry you are having to go thru this. Remember you did not bring this on yourself. As for your adopted father does he know? If so what is his thoughts? You have to do what is best for you and your well being. I have had to do things I wouldn't normally do before this happened. I even have had to distance my own mom who I love dearly! Not for any reason other then I can not take on her anxiety or her quilt trips she does to me to control me. She has no idea what has happened to me. As much as I need her to be there for support she would be a drain on me with all her worry for me and her grandchildren. It is a shame because my step father had This happen to him with his first marriage. He gave her another chance and the affair went underground. He would be such a great support for me since he knows how these wounds feel. But you can not take on certain things it is just not healthy for you. I am concerned about the quilt you have about your adopted dad.

You have so much wounds to heal I would hate for you to add this to the pile. I will say a pray for you. Again I am sorry you had to join this club!


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2011
DailyReprieve
Member
Member # 46662
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 10th (Monday)

Thanks Lethealbegin.

My father doesn't know, as far as I'm aware. I often thought that if I could tell him what happened that he would understand and respect my need to be distant. This sounds a little messed up but I didn't tell him for a long time because my wife was always special in his and my late mother's eyes. Him being older, alone and whatnot I just didn't want to bring him down. Now with him being sick & diagnosed with depression it even more seems like the wrong move to tell him.

As for my guilt, it's a work in progress. Thanks again!

[This message edited by DailyReprieve at 12:01 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2015
humboldtmom
Member
Member # 21569
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 24th (Monday)

i hate this betrayal that just keeps messing with my life.

[This message edited by humboldtmom at 11:32 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]


Me xBS
STBXWH - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP) and now OW#2/roommate
Together 19y Married 16y, now divorcing
3 children: 16, 14, 7
D-Day 9/2008, 7/2015

Posts: 301 | Registered: Nov 2008
Topic Posts: 295