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User Topic: Double Betrayal
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Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 8th (Friday)

I can vouch that this has been the worst thing that can happen in a marriage, the Double Betrayal.

..@ topsy..

I couldn't agree more..

fWW and I are 4.5 years out from D-day #3 and sadly, i continue to struggle with so many elements of the near 20 years of betrayal and 40 years of lies that have tainted every aspect and stage of our marriage and courtship ...from the time we were bf/gf..

..i regret not leaving after d-day#2, but i didn't have the truth back then and we had 2 young children..so i stayed..

..now, 46 years later, it is simply too late to start over. I tell myself to make the best of a very bad situation and keep trying to push back all the horror that has been my real life.

..the anguish and heartbreak simply will not pass,.. no peace of mind, no restful nights sleep, continuing triggers and mind movies..

..just so much damage and destruction to put out of my mind..

..the only satisfaction i am left with is that the OM, best friend so i was led to believe, since BoyScouts/H.S...25 years ..died from a brain tumor at 57, i hope brought on from his living with guilt and shame for all those years of betraying me and his 2 wives..

..may he NOT rest in peace.. since i don't seem to have any either!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:05 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 8th (Friday)

...it is simply too late to start over.

It's never too late, smy.

Your post makes me sad. I pray that you will find a way to bring joy and hope back into your life. You sound so forlorn.

(((smy)))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7778 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Wow ((smy))

Your name is so fitting for you, but it doesn't have to be the rest of your years..

TopsyTurve: Did it mean anything to you to receive that apology after two years? So many times posters here will say "if only she had/or will apologize"..

OW/xBFF apologized to me over the first couple of weeks and months following dday. Sometimes in the same conversation that she was telling me she wished it had worked out different and he had kept his promises (Oh, you know, those promises he was leaving me and she was his soulmate).

She was a different breed for sure.

The best thing OW/xBFF can do for me is continue to be silent. I actually feel a shred of thankfulness towards her for this. She is by far the last person on the planet I want to hear from, and I certainly do not want an apology. It changes nothing that has happened in my life with fWH. Anyway, I usually tell people on here that apologies do not help, as it did nothing for me.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

One of the hardest parts of the double betrayal for me was that the former-best-friend and myself were so alike on so many levels, that I understood the pain and fear that drove him away from his wife. I empathized with the bastard, and I even felt a little sorry for him, all while I was hating him.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
betraydtwice
Member
Member # 38921
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

I think a double betrayal is the worst possible thing. Two people that you love and trust come together to screw you over. I don't want an apology from her. She's doing what she should by staying the hell out of my life.. No apology will ever be enough....It would be as fake as her anyway

Posts: 148 | Registered: Apr 2013
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, November 18th (Monday)

It's like a double bomb!

I too felt sorry for my XBFF. He screwed up big time. I know him pretty well and I know what he was thinking and battling in his mind. Felt sorry, and hated him at the same time cause he SHOULD know better. He made the WRONG choice. He fucked over his wife and his best friend, plus took advantage of the situation with my wife. If I feel like crap, he must be in a world of shit.

Should have not cheated on his wife. Should have respected his BFF and should have seen that my wife was broken and this was not right and told her instead act upon it all.

Sometimes I hate him,....sometimes I miss his friendship.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 28th (Thursday)

I just cannot stop being sick over this. She was my best friend for 6 years. We had a falling out although she didn't know the real reason for it. I couldn't stand the way she clung to my husband. I. Knew hr marriage wasn't great but we hung out as couples a lot. After the falling out I hoped to be rid of her. But my husband runs the youth sports organization and she and I were on the board with him. I resigned to avoid being around her and those two struck up a friendship thrum text and calls. I begged him to end it. He said he did and he only would talk to her for sports business and at practices Bc our sons are also best friends and play on the team he coaches for which she is the team mom. This was in Dec. He has been distant and cold and they were just caught using a texting app to communicate. He admitted the sec started a few
months ago. He says he is in love. I am devastated and do not know how to survive this. Her husband is also devastated even though I know they had wayyy more
problems he didn't deserve this either. I just cant help hoping this blows up in their faces and is just infatuation and not love. Her husband filed for divorce. I cannot as I am a still going to school and we have a mountain of debt. I am going to see a lawyer anyway. Things have not. been good for us for 15 months....since my falling out with
her. I told him long ago (he had been sleeping on the couch for a year...voluntarily) that if things didn't improve with us (I tried so hard) that after I finished school and could support my kids we could divorce. I never thought it would happen or that my husband would cheat with her. Ever. I don't know how to do this. He has no remorse. They have ruined 2 families with their selfishness. I don't even recognize the person he has become. I want him to suffer as I am. I want guilt to eat him alive. I want their relationship to fail. I want him to see what he lost. 14 years of marriage. 2 beautiful boys 10 and 13. I feel like I am dying.


Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

Sometimes I hate him,....sometimes I miss his friendship.

Only in rare dreams do I miss his friendship. I hate him like I've never hated another human being ever before. I still work with him too, and it's hellish being in the same building, and sitting 100 feet away. I avoid him at all costs, but I'm always on high alert and in an anxious state when at work.

If he ever even spoke to me, much less tried to "apologize", I can't even predict my actions, but it wouldn't be pretty.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

I think the worst thing about a double betrayal is the inside information this person has into your life -- and how preyed upon you feel when you realize that all the confidences were used, either consciously or not, to work their way in.

Strangely, I don't see my husband as doing that because his AP was not as open as we were, but he and I both shared confidences and things with her and her H that I know 100% were used to play on his emotions at a weak moment in his life and our relationship. And, apparently, she had had a crush on him for years, and was able to pull out dozens of things he had done over the years that she had loved.

But the actual worst thing, is she knew how much I loved my H, that my H loved me, and that he did not plan on leaving me. So then it was all about this terrible thing they were doing, but they couldn't really be bad could they, because they felt SO BAD about it. Ugh. Regular f---ing Good Samaratins.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)

You guys will understand where I am coming from on this:

Former friend and my XWH think that now I should "get over it", and talk to them about the kids or whatever....

For that reason I only email my XWH about kids. THat's it.

They are delusional!

He brought her in his truck to drop off something for the kids. I have gotten the paperwork to file
a no tresspass order on my property. It also says she is to have no contact with me,, great,, I guess she will have to quit coming into my store and "browsing" when I am working.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1955 | Registered: Jan 2012
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)

I am just so confused on how this happened. OW and her BH had a bad marriage, we knew this bc we had been friends for 6 years. All they did was fight, in front of everyone. I know she was unhappy. My WH and I didn't have a marriage like that. Either way, our DS 13 is best friends with their son. The selfish actions of 2 people ruined 2 families, and when our kids find out their friendship will be over. I am disgusted by my WH and so so so hurt. It doesn't help my self esteem that instead of trading up and going younger and hot, he went OLDER (2 years older than him) and uglier. Plus she's a chain smoker and heavy drinker. He has asthma so I do get a little giddy when I think of him having an asthma attack around her and her trying to talk him down in her gravelly smokers voice (I apologize if any of you are smokers). I am just so betrayed I cannot think straight. It doesnt help that of all the people that know, NO ONE gets it. They are all in disbelief. There is something broken in him and I have to remind myself I am strong and this is not a reflection on me.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Sadly, I am a member of this club as well, although I actually had a Triple Betrayal - my WH, OW, and OW's husband. OW and her husband were my very close friends of five years. It's a long and complicated story that I posted about in JFO a few months ago - I reposted at the bottom of this post if anyone is interested in the sordid details.

Anyway, it's been 6 months now, and I am still pretty much a wreck. This has been the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. I was devastated not only by my WH's betrayal, but by my friends and their reaction after the affair was disclosed.

Right now I cannot imagine ever having another female friend. I was thinking about it the other day, and I don't believe I have ever had a female friend (past the age of 14 or so) who did not at some point stab me in the back over a man (in one way or another). Only one of them ever even apologized to me after doing so. That is a sad, sad record in life.

In general, the thought of trusting people again makes me feel sick and scared. I honestly do not believe that I will ever have close friends again in my lifetime. I don't think I can do it anymore. I look at my coworkers and people on the street and the only thing I can think about is wondering what they might be doing behind the scenes to wreck me or injure me in some way.

My social life was also destroyed because my WH's APs were friends with all our other friends. We did end up moving, and I like our new town, but I am still homesick for our old town and feel so angry and sad that these sick people and their sick lifestyle and behaviors were what prompted the life change. These are just some of the many ways in which my WH's actions have negatively affected my life.

I am only 39, and I feel pretty much permanently friendless and alone. I feel like nobody I loved or trusted ever really cared that much about me or how I felt - they were just using me to get something they wanted, one way or another. In this particular case it was access to my husband.


I have read some terrible stories on SI, but many of the worst ones seem to me to be the double betrayals. It's like it just completely ruins the BS's ability to form and maintain healthy and trusting relationships with *anybody* going forward in life, not just romantic relationships with a partner. I wish my husband would have just gone with some random co-worker to get his ego kibble, or a prostitute or something. That way I still would have been able to keep some faith in other people too.

Anyway, I don't know what else to say. Just wanted to check in on this thread as yet another member of the club nobody ever wanted to belong to in life. I am sorry that we are all here.

____________________________

MY STORY, PREVIOUSLY POSTED IN JFO...

Six months ago, my husband stayed out all night and got drunk with another couple we have known for 5 years.

These individuals were some of our closest friends, and they were an intimate part of our social circle. We saw them nearly every week, and even took vacations with them. The wife of the couple was one of my closest girlfriends. They are polyamorous, but knew we were 100% monogamous because we had discussed it with them on multiple occasions. I didn't care what they did in their bedroom, I respected their relationship, and assumed they respected mine, as our conversations about the topic were very civil and reasonable. I never expressed any desire to move to polyamoury with them or anyone else, nor did my husband ever express such a thing to me privately or during a conversation with them.

Anyway, WH came home from this "night out" late the next morning and immediately confessed to me that he had a significant physical encounter with the wife (AP) - no sex, but many other very intimate things happened that were definitely not within the agreed-upon boundaries of our monogamous, 8.5 year marriage.

APH (affair partner's husband) was present while this happened, and explicitly encouraged the physical encounter while it was happening with verbal commentary and encouragement.

When APH found out that I was unhappy about what had happened, his only comment to WH was "Didn't she know you were attracted to AP?" - as though the mere fact of WH's attraction to AP was some kind of reasonable justification for disregarding boundaries, and as though my unhappiness about the situation was some kind of unreasonable reaction.

Four days after all of this, I found out that WH and AP had been having an emotional affair as well, which started during a mutual vacation we took in April. They had been planning for three months to start having sex with one another, and were going to "tell me after I finished my dissertation".

(To add one more layer of crap to this whole thing, I am a late stage Ph.D. student, and DDay was 2 weeks before my final oral defense. I have spent 5 years working on this degree, many 14 hour days, and July was one of the most stressful times of my entire life to date - BEFORE the affair!)

I found out about the EA by reading email correspondence between the three of them, and WH continued to lie to me about it until he was confronted with the evidence.

I had no clue about any of this. Nothing was ever discussed with me, WH and I had never made any serious moves towards any kind of open marriage arrangements regarding AP, APH, or anyone else, and I had no idea at all that he had any feelings for AP beyond some mild flirtation.

After the revelation about the emotional affair, I asked WH to go no-contact with them so we could work on our marriage and so I could finish my dissertation. He agreed immediately and with little reluctance, but we were both too naive to know how to do it correctly. So he went over there in person, and idiotically cried on their shoulder about how sad he was to be losing their friendship, blah blah. They interpreted this action as "TheGarden is a horrible irrational harpy who is forcing her kind, sweet husband to give up his loving friend and his new polyamourous girlfriend, who was only trying to help him see the miracle of non-monogamy."

The day after we went NC, APH sent me a extremely hurtful email, in which he told me that I needed to manage my "irrational hang-ups", and scolded me about destroying WH' life, spoiling all their fun, and hurting their (AP's & APH's) feelings. He also blamed me for some other unrelated social problems WH has recently had.

There was no apology or explanation made for anything they might have done to contribute to this situation, nor was there any empathy shown for me in terms of what I might be feeling 5 days after learning about this, or about the fact that this could seriously impact my ability to finish my Ph.D.

That email was absolutely devastating for me. I felt like my heart broke into 10 million pieces, because I had not only been betrayed by my husband, but by two of my closest friends. WH and I had the worst fight in our entire 13 years following the receipt of that email, and during the heat of the conflict he physically assaulted me (he has rarely ever even raised his voice to me at any point before in 13 years of our relationship, has never before even called me a name or anything - talk about being in an affair fog!)

At that point, 1.5 weeks before my oral defense, it was pretty clear that I was not going to be able to defend my dissertation, and I went in the next day and told my advisor and committee that I was having some serious marital problems and had to cancel my defense date. It was one of the more humiliating moments of my life, and I am still feeling ashamed about it.

Since that time, I have been unable to work on my dissertation, and I am now starting to seriously doubt my ability to finish at all. I do not have a job, health insurance, or funding for the fall semester, and had to put my fall tuition on a credit card.

Also since that time, I have also discovered that WH was lying about a number of other things, including exactly how far they went physically on the night in question, that there was another physical encounter as far back as last August, that he had discussed a possible relationship between them as far back as last August, and that she had sent him BSDM/polyamorous-related pornography via email a week prior to our mutual April vacation.

One of the most awful aspects of this situation is that WH and I had had a number of conversations over the years about how we both believed that fidelity was important, and about how dishonesty after fidelity was the most destructive element of an affair. We had both explicitly promised one another to tell the truth immediately if either one of us ever made a "mistake" with another person. So the first time this ever happens, what does he do? TT and blatantly lie to my face for a month.

I am absolutely devastated by the secrecy and the lies, and the utter disregard for my marriage and my personal well-being that all three individuals involved in this situation have demonstrated over the past year.

I feel like a little discarded piece of trash that three people I cared for kicked to the side of the road in their zeal to get to some teenage petting and grinding on a couch.

To his credit, WH came out of the affair fog within a week or so and has been incredibly remorseful about everything since then (including about the physical assault, even crying and demanding that I call the police on him). He crafted and sent another, improved NC letter to AP after a month, in which he explained that he was just cheating with her, that the email APH sent was disgusting and cruel, and that the friendship between us all was irrevocably broken due to their mutual actions (WH, AP, & APH).

He also read a lot of stuff about polyamoury, because I told him I didn't want to be in a marriage under false pretenses - if he wanted an open marriage he needed to figure that out and tell me instead of just making decisions for both of us without my consent. He now says he is not interested in that lifestyle at all, it was just cheating and the usual sort of affair fog crap that WSs engage in with APs.


He has also been reading and posting on SI, and we have had a lot of discussions about why he made some of these terrible choices. He's done a lot of introspection, and discovered a few things about himself in the last few months. I am 95% sure that the TT has ended (my gut says it has), but of course now I can't be sure about anything in my life anymore.

Nevertheless, I am not that hopeful about anything. I kind of feel like our entire marriage was a lie. I don't know how to trust him anymore, because he was someone I viewed as being very honorable and kind prior to this incident. I would have bet any amount of money prior to the morning he came home after getting drunk with AP that he would NEVER have been the husband to cheat on me and abuse my love and trust for him in order to get away with lying about his infidelity. I feel like my loving, decent husband was replaced by an alien being or something. And now I really don't know for sure who he is. He acts like a good person now, and says all the right things, but he did that before the affair. I don't want to get divorced, but I sometimes have such negative emotions about him and what he did that I just can't imagine being in a marriage with someone I feel that way about.

I have told him I need to finish my Ph.D. before I can make any final decisions about the marriage. I am no longer lying in bed depressed all day long, and am able to do basic life tasks, but am still having trouble working on my research.

We have also decided that if we stay together we are moving away from our town. I totally outed WH and his APs to our entire social circle (100s of people!), which actually was very emotionally freeing. I didn't want to carry shame and secrets by myself, or pretend like nothing was wrong between the four of us. And I got a lot of needed social support in return (and some shocking infidelity-related confessions from a few friends I thought had happy marriages). But nevertheless neither WH or I want to ever run into AP or APH again, and that will be hard in our town without dumping all of our other friends. So we are just going to get a new start, which is something we were thinking about pre-A anyway.

I have a lot of nightmares, many of which involve physical violence against the AP, which is interesting because of the three of them, I feel most angry with the APH - AP and WH were "under the influence" of alcohol and affair fog/dopamine, but he had no excuse whatsoever for encouraging a good friend to destroy his marriage and for being so cruel to me after the fact (to me it's kind of like the difference between manslaughter and murder).

I also have no idea how to ever trust a friend again. It kind of seems like I've been burned by every female friend I've ever had in one way or another. But then again, I guess male friends aren't always trustworthy either. It just makes me incredibly sad. I was never the "jealous" type, always watching my husband if he was talking to a woman. When we go out now, I look at all the people around me and I just wonder which of them is really a terrible, selfish person waiting to hurt someone else who trusts them, or who might be pretending to love or care for someone just so they can gain access to their spouse. Not sure how to make or be open with friends again when I feel that way.

I am also really, really struggling with the polyamoury thing - it's a huge trigger for me now, and it seems like every other article on the internet these days is titled "Polyamoury: The Relationship Model of the Future!", and they're all about these fabulously happy people who are super-enlightened and have wonderful, loving, sexy-times relationships with their wife and 3 girlfriends and 2 other dating partners and their unicorn bisexual live-in maid and anyone who can't live that lifestyle is fundamentally psychologically broken and immature (basically the same kind of stuff APH sent me in his tramautizing email). And all about how poly people are more HONEST than monogamous people, and COMMUNICATE BETTER than monogamous people, blah blah blah. Really??? Where was MY honest communication when you were plotting with WH for months, sending him kinky BSDM poly porn, letting him drunkenly grope your genitals on your couch while his loving wife (your trusting friend, who wholly respected your marriage while you were undermining hers) was at home worrying about her dissertation defense and how to find a job that wouldn't destroy his career? How is that superior to my "unenlightened" monogamy, you lying, betraying bitch?

Sigh.

It just all sucks. This is the worst moment of my life so far, bar none.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
mrcpu
Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

WOW I can't believe just how much this thread hits home for me.

2married2quit said

I too felt sorry for my XBFF. He screwed up big time. I know him pretty well and I know what he was thinking and battling in his mind. Felt sorry, and hated him at the same time cause he SHOULD know better. He made the WRONG choice. He fucked over his wife and his best friend, plus took advantage of the situation with my wife. If I feel like crap, he must be in a world of shit.

Should have not cheated on his wife. Should have respected his BFF and should have seen that my wife was broken and this was not right and told her instead act upon it all.

Sometimes I hate him,....sometimes I miss his friendship.

I feel very similar. He and I were BFFs for over 30 years. He was going through a divorce and took advantage of my wife's caring personality to get close to her and hit on her. I have over 400 email messages and texts between them and I can see the point, back in July 2012 when he suddenly "Saw her" and started having feelings for her. At that moment, if he were the person I thought I knew growing up, he would have removed himself from our lives for a while but instead he started coming on to her and she fell for his trap of "suicidal thoughts and loneliness".

Half the great stories of my life have involved him. I have even found myself telling the same stories but with "this guy I used to know" instead of "my friend and I". It's really horrible because even my parents and family will ask how he's doing these days. They don't know any of the story and I don't want them to because I don't want them to hate my wife.

The worst part is that we live in a small town and I see him from time to time, especially if I want to go out for a beer. A couple weeks back my wife and I ended up in the same bar as him. I ignored him and pretended he didn't exist. In fact, I've gotten really good at looking right through him like he isn't even there. On the way out he patted me on the shoulder as he walked buy. I know it's his way of saying "hello, and goodbye and I'm sorry" as he has at least had the balls to apologize both in person and in writing and so far as I know he has stayed away from my wife since then.

Sometimes I miss him more than anything though.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014 (unconfirmed)
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: ?!? Currently auditing to confirm.

Posts: 208 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, December 9th (Monday)

In general, the thought of trusting people again makes me feel sick and scared. I honestly do not believe that I will ever have close friends again in my lifetime. I don't think I can do it anymore. I look at my coworkers and people on the street and the only thing I can think about is wondering what they might be doing behind the scenes to wreck me or injure me in some way.

TheGarden... I relate to this as well. I'm a very introverted, closed-off person to begin with, and have/had so few friends. I'm a little further out, and I can say I'm making veeeeery slow strides forward in this area. Hang in there.

My W and the OM also had this whole "polyamourous" bullshit justification thing going on, and for many months, had me convinced his W believed the same thing (hence my hesitation in telling her about me catching them). I spoke with my IC (who specialized in relationship issues) about this at length, and she advised me that this is a deal-breaker in marriages... if one partner wants to be polygamous. I told my W that, and said the same thing, that she needed to be kind enough to tell me and leave, if she truly didn't want a monogamous marriage. Like your H, it wasn't what she really wanted, was just rationalization for her A. This was probably the most terrifying aspect after DDay #1, and really fucked with my head for quite some time. It skewed my judgment and perception of everything, and led to me making some bad (IMO) decisions after I busted them.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
TopsyTurvey
New Member
Member # 27048
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Dear, The Garden, Oh, I am so sorry for you. See my story, it's different but the same as all of us on this topic have experienced, betrayal from the one person we thought we could trust explicitly, or is it implicitly? I used to know that rule but alas, now I do not. The cruelest thing about all of this is that it undermines the trust you have. Your feeling of trust just dies. I have forgiven my husband, now if only, I could forget. I think forgiveness is a conscious action. Your brain has it's own agenda. My therapist put it this way and it made sense to me, "It's as if you drank poison and expected the other person to die", and this was what was going on in my life. I just could not go on like this, it was eating me up. My husband and I are doing well. There has been no contact with the OW, former long time friend. Some one asked about the letter. I got a letter from her a couple of years out. She apologized to me. Whether it was real or not, I don't know. We had been out of town for three weeks and our mail was held, I didn't know it was from her when I opened it, so it was sort of a surprise. I read it and saved it for a few weeks, rereading it a couple more times, then I tossed it. I decided I didn't want it in my house. So, I guess it wasn't that important to me. It was words and that's about it. By the time my husband started fully sharing the situation with me, I read some pretty scary, threatening emails she had sent and I realized that I probably never knew this person at all. We had shared a lot over many, many years. Of interest, her late husband had called and asked me to run some errands for him. He was a shell of his former self. He alluded that his wife (the OW) was making life difficult for him. I had heard her side of the story and was drinking her Kool Aid regarding their situation, in retrospect, a mistake. He died a few months later of a massive heart attack. He was 57. After that, my husband was by her side helping her with everything. He absented himself from our life. They carried on an affair under my nose and I didn't see it. I started thinking something was wrong about three months into her "widowhood". It took me another month to bring this up to my husband and he lied to me. Long story short, this was the start of the worst three months of my life. All affairs are alike in many ways. You have the lies, the gas lighting, the TT, the "should I leave my wife for the AP?, etc. When I caught him in a lie, he had broken the NC, I told him he had to leave, and he did. I learned I could do just fine on my own, except for snow shoveling, I did fine. I hired someone to shovel my snow. I felt grateful that I have a profession that allows me to be financially independent, a situation that not all on these boards have. Our son was grown and out of the house, married to a lovely woman. For this I am grateful. It would have been different if I still had a child living at home. My husband is a great father and most people would look at him and NEVER think he would do something like this. I think his need to be a KISA is the source of a lot of this. Also, after 35 years, you can get into a rut and life situations start taking a front seat to the marriage. In my case, I was leaving town every three weeks to go to another city and care for my mother who had dementia. I was doing this without any assist from my husband. My brothers and sisters and I did this for five years, she died two years ago, I miss her every day. She was a great mother. Anyway, I started out making this a short reply but boy did I get wordy. Garden, I read your posting about defending your dissertation and I thought, Oh God, such bad timing. I sooooooo agree that this is such a stressful time for you. I hope you can get on your feet emotionally to get this finished and behind you. I think the PhD will be easier to get behind you than the betrayal you are feeling. You have control over the PhD. You do not have control over your polyamorous H, AP and her husband. You are not to blame for this messed up situation. However, you have to suffer the consequences. Chin up, girl. This is so hard. I am sorry for all of us. You lose trust, your normally soft heart, hardens, and you try to run and hide from those thoughts that find their way into your brain but you just can't I read the posting from SoManyYears and I so get what you are going through. We are probably about the same age with the same life experiences. I don't know what to say, I'm sure the fact that it was a LTA and you caught them twice, plays into it. Have you heard of EMDR? They use it on people with PTSD. I tried it a few times but it just didn't work for me. However, it does work for some people. I heard that an A causes PTS in the spouse affected by the A. I can believe this. You are so not the same person after you find out. I was a hot mess. I cried, was distracted at work, cried more and more, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, started buying box wine instead of a bottle of wine, took up smoking again, still haven't kicked the habit after five years, my bad. I hate that this happened to me. It has taken individual therapy for both my husband and I and marriage counseling but we are still going strong, amend that, we are still going. He does not want to ever discuss the A. I, on the other hand, would love to know ALL but I never will. The MC said that I know all that I ever would know and to keep beating it to death would be harmful. He lives in shame from what happened and that is probably punishment enough. When he moved out, we had to tell our son why and this killed him. Our son was devastated. I hadn't seen him cry since he was a child and he was bawling his eyes out. I never want to see that hurt on his face again. My H is very remorseful. I get what you're going through. I wish you peace of mind. Have you tried IC or MC? I think these would be very helpful. Start with the IC because the AP is dead, he's not coming back to destroy your life even more. Like me, you're drinking the poison and expecting your wife to die. He's already dead. I get it but try to be proactive and get some help, you do not deserve to live like this. it's just too hard. You're miserable, your wife is probably miserable. This misery is the poison. Kind thoughts going your way.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2010
million tears
Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

My WH had a real "ah-ha" moment when I told him, "Do you realize you have been screwing your best friend's wife?" I don't think he even thought about it. I think it made his feel worse than what he was doing to me.

OW was my friend too and the 4 of us were inseparable. It kills me to think of us BSs sitting with them playing cards and the WSs playing footsie under the table. How smug they must have felt to be pulling one over on us and we sat there looking like total assholes.

(is it ok to swear on this forum?)


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1602 | Registered: Jun 2009
mrcpu
Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Is it strange to feel more anger toward my x-BFF than my WW?


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014 (unconfirmed)
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: ?!? Currently auditing to confirm.

Posts: 208 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

The person I was and continue to be most angry with in my situation was actually the OW's (enabling, polyamorous) husband, who was also my good friend. The reason why is because I feel that both my WH and the OW were "under the influence", so to speak, both re: alcohol and hormones, which, while no justification, is still a major contributing factor towards their really stupid, hurtful behavior. Part of the reason for their behavior is that they quite literally weren't thinking straight (no excuse in either case, but nevertheless a pertinent factor).

On the other hand, the OWH has no excuse at all. He wasn't in love or lust. His behavior all the way through the process was cold, premeditated, and malicious. He deliberately and with forethought encouraged his wife to have an affair with my husband, knowing full well it would hurt me and wreck my monogamous marriage. He's also the one who attacked and blamed me after DDay.

To me it's kind of like the difference between manslaughter and murder. If you get drunk and do something stupid, it's less of a crime than deliberately, soberly, and with malice aforethought doing something that you know will cause great harm.

Am I angry with my WH? You bet. I have been and still am EXTREMELY angry with WH, his thoughtlessness, his idiocy, his unkindness. But he is also remorseful and has been trying hard to work on our marriage. Similarly, I am sad and angry about OW's betrayal, but I also think she's got a lot of emotional problems stemming from FOO issues and other stuff, and I don't think she got a single thing she hoped for out of this situation, so I also partially pity her. She's not having a nice life this year either, and I doubt, given the kinds of choices she generally makes about her (sexual and other) relationships with other people, that she is likely to have a nice life in the future either.

OWH on the other hand was a fucking cold-hearted snake from beginning to end. SO many lies of omission, no thought for my feelings, no excuses or reasons for his behavior other than (probably) the mild amusement of pulling something over on me, facilitating situations where his wife could freely pursue my husband, standing next to them while they were "playing" with one another and verbally egging them on , no empathy at all for me after the fact, blamed me for all of my husband's bad life choices and tried to play us against one another by being his "supportive friend" when I was angry after DDay. Sick, sick, sick. Totally sociopathic behavior. I still have nightmares about him, 6 months out.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 5:04 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I don't think so, mrcpu.

For me, the decision to try reconciliation with my wife was quick and strongly felt. Her remorse was fast, and we've lived and worked together to build a stronger marriage than we had before. I have 24/7, concrete proof of her love and remorse.

The friend she had her affair with? We're certainly able to be social around mutual friends, but there's more unresolved hurt there than with my wife. Distance --physical, emotional, and social-- prevents me from seeing the depth of change in him that I can see in myself and my wife.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I belong in this club now. I am seeing no remorse from my husband. He is tired of talking about it. This is his 2nd EA as well. He lies in marital therapy. I'm going to have to file divorce papers and I so never wanted this. But if all he can do is complain about how much he hates to talk to me then what is left to salvage?


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, January 4th (Saturday)


..@ tigereyes..

Sorry you are back here with the added betrayal of your bff.

..your WH needs to read the book 'Not Just Friends' to open his eyes about what he is really doing to his marriage.

..sometimes the shock of filing D-papers will snap them out of the fog so, yes, get the lawyer involved with papers and it will send a clear message to your WH that you mean business!!!

..have you had any contact recently with the 'friend'???

..is she aware of the damage she is causing with her involvement?

..maybe she needs a copy of the book as well!!!

take care and keep posting. It will help you deal with all of the emotions that you're facing.

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Oh, he has read Not Just Friends. He read that after the first affair. We set a boundary in marital counseling. Within 6 months he had violated that boundary and has never respected it.

He saw an IC who wasn't familiar with that book and thinks that we should not talk about the affair, that we need to burn the emails and put it in the past.

My bff had been my bff for 26 years. I have no contact with her now although it takes every ounce of restraint not to drive to her house and snatch her bald. I exposed her to her husband and also exposed a PA she had with a man from her church 2 years ago that her husband didn't know about. She gave me the ammo to ruin her life and then gave me a reason to use it. Not very bright.

I exposed her to her church, her inlaws, everyone. I exposed my husband to his friends, everyone I could.

Currently he thinks we are trying to R. Starting with a new MC this week. I'm just going through the motions and setting the hook. My children will learn from me, it is NOT acceptable to treat someone like this. EVER.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

..sounds like your WH didn't appreciate the 2nd chance you gave him.. and he wants to rug sweep his bad behaviour.

..wants to destroy the evidence and 'put it in the past'..

..of course they hate to talk about it!!!

Sounds like you're getting your ducks in a row..

Protect yourself legally..

While I get that you want to lay a beating on the bff (I wanted to kill the bfOM, but he died from a brain tumour before I got the chance)..

..don't do anything that can put you in jail.. they're so not worth it!!

hope you and the kids are doing OK..

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:11 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)

My WW portrayed me with her ex-coworker and her LTAP was a member of our church and a Relative of mine. It totally blows my mind.

I confronted him the first time when she confessed and 2 years later she had a physical relationship with him. I saw him at our Family Reunion and they both didn't talk to each other, but the now I look like a fool and those two were screwing each other...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I think the biggest deal for me isn't so much the affair but how terribly he has treated me since I found out. Shouldn't he at least FAKE remorse? He just tells me he hates to talk to me but he wants to work on our marriage. I met with a new marriage counselor today, his appointment is tomorrow and then we both go Monday morning. He refuses to go to IC. Apparently he has it all figured out so there is nothing he needs to work on.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Wow tigereyes, your H sounds like a real douche.

I am so glad you outed them to everyone. I also outed to everyone, and even though my H and I reconciled, I wouldn't take any of it back for a second.

And destroying OW/xBFF to all of our mutual friends, her family members, and my family members who basically raised her was quite freeing also.

I think getting your ducks in a row is a good idea. Go through whatever motions you need to, to be prepared. For me, a second trip down this road would equal the same exact thing.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Last night was rough. It appears he isn't putting 100% into our marriage because he believes I have stolen all of his money from him. My father died 9 years ago and when he did he left cd's in all 4 of my kid's names. He told me he was doing it, made me the guardian and told me to use the money for my kids, whether it was to buy a home for us all to live in or to give each child individually when they became adults, just basically to do what I saw fit. My husband has always known about these cd's. But he believes they are half his. He said that I have the kids in my back pocket and that they will give me the money if I ask and I have stolen all of his money from him. I cannot imagine why he begrudges my children their inheritance. It is baffling to me.

Then he went on to say that even if I put all the cd's in his name and handed them to him he still isn't sure that would be enough because now he can't stand the way I treat him. Have I yelled at him after finding out he was having an affair with my best friend? Well, what do you think? Of course I have. He and my friend called me every name in the book, spoke of me as though I was less than dirt. He says that doing that behind my back is better than me telling him what I think to his face because those words were never meant for me to see. Is it just me or is that just f'ed up?


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 10th (Friday)


.."OMG"...

He says that doing that behind my back is better than me telling him what I think to his face because those words were never meant for me to see.

..your WH is seriously f'ed up in the head and doesn't have a clue about his betrayal, especially with it being with your friend.

..of course, I'm using the term 'friend' very loosely. Back stabbing dirt-bag whore-bitch might be a more appropriate term.

..as for the money, designated to your kids, with YOUR control over its dispersal, tell him to ------- --- ---- ------- and---- -------!!!

..and by the way, how do you not strangle him in his sleep???

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 10th (Friday)

If I kill him in his sleep I won't get child support or alimony. That is the only thing keeping him alive. I kid, sort of.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I also outed my WH and his affair partner and her husband to everyone. I didn't and don't regret it for a second. I didn't feel that it was my responsibility to keep their secrets, or lie to others about the reason why the four of us weren't friends any more.

I know a lot of people say you should just keep it in the marriage, but I think the situation is a little different with a double betrayal, especially if the affair partner is a major, enmeshed part of your social group. It just adds more stress and anguish to the BS's burden to have to "pretend" to other people or watch the AP continue to have a normal life and normal relationships with (naive) other friends while the BSs suffers with secrets or has to be the one to avoid social gatherings or whatever. I decided early on that I wasn't going to do that, period. If they wanted to invite her and not me, fine, but nobody was going to do it out of ignorance about the situation. So far I've gotten a lot of support and sympathy from mutual friends.

The other piece of "wisdom" that I think is not as applicable to the double betrayal is the concept of "not giving head space to the OW/OM". I think that makes more sense when you're talking about a stranger. For me, my friends' betrayal was almost as hurtful as my WH's betrayal. For me, not "giving headspace" would actually be rug-sweeping. It's something I HAVE TO figure out how to process, because it directly affects how I will handle friendships and trust in people other than my husband going forward in the future.

It actually kind of pisses me off when people say that, actually, like, "why do people blame the OW?", or "she never made vows to you", or "why are you still thinking about the OW/OM?" Come on, she hurt me horribly. A major betrayal by a friend would be a traumatic life event for anyone. I don't know why that should suddenly change, or I should suddenly stop caring about that just because my husband was involved too. I don't blame her for what he did, I blame her for what SHE did - I thought she cared about me too, even if she never stood up in church and made a promise. She broke my heart too, and I have a right to have feelings about that and process them.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Agree totally thegarden. I loved my friend, she was a sister to me. I even told my husband at one point that I would be devastated if she turned on me and he sent her that email and they laughed about it. I feel like my ability to detect good characters is just broken. And I can NEVER let my husband meet any new friend I make. Hell, I can't take him to a family reunion, he might be looking for his next AP.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Thegarden, it took me a long time to not think about OW/xBFF constantly. I can still remember about 3 or 4 months out being in the shower just thinking about OW. I thought to myself "for the rest of my life I will think about this girl every moment I am awake" and I truly believed this, and it was devastating.

Fortunately, that has eased immensely. I have days she doesn't even enter my head, and on the days she does, I easily dismiss her. My bad days have gone from daily to about one every 6 months (as far as the A is concerned and letting her truly have space in my head).

These people did just as bad to us as our fWS. IN some ways, worse in my opinion. It has been 3 years and 7 months since dday for me, and I have still not found full forgiveness for her in my heart. I do hope to though, so I can be freed of the bitterness and resentment. And THAT desire in itself if a miracle. A little over a year ago I was still in major hatred calling her a cum-dripping slag to anyone who would listen.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I locked him out of the house tonight. He doesn't have a key and I can't take it anymore. He got mad at me for thinking and then writing my thoughts in my journal. So I can only say positive things and I guess I can only think and write positive things too.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
LadyYoga
Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

Is there anyone on here that still lives in the same town as other family and where kids remained friends? I have been on this site for over 3 years (changed my name as I heard I was being followed) and I have yet to find anyone in my situation. They live one street over, are kids are BFF and I communicate with owh and have to text her occasionally. It's a f'd up situation but we (3/4) of us agree it is best for the kids. PM me if you can share any insight to a similar situation. Thanks


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
iamsoblind42
Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Count me in too with triple betrayal.

Walked in on my WH having oral sex Friday night with my BF while her husband watched. In my house, where kids could have walked in. They were all really smashed. I was tipsy myself but not as drunk as they were. I truly believe her H has a serious sex addiction problem. They have been married over 20 years and claim they still have sex every day. This does not excuse my H and BF but I do feel it was her H that pushed over the apple cart. After, her H was saying how sorry he was and that I should not blame them. Screw that!!!!

We had all been best friends for years. Our sons (now 16) have been best friends since they were really little.

I had my H move out today and it is really hard. Wish I had my BF to talk to about it. She was truly like a sister to me.

Now, I feel like I can talk to no one as everyone knows her and I honestly am not ready to admit to anyone else what has happened.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)

The other piece of "wisdom" that I think is not as applicable to the double betrayal is the concept of "not giving head space to the OW/OM". I think that makes more sense when you're talking about a stranger. For me, my friends' betrayal was almost as hurtful as my WH's betrayal. For me, not "giving headspace" would actually be rug-sweeping. It's something I HAVE TO figure out how to process, because it directly affects how I will handle friendships and trust in people other than my husband going forward in the future.

It actually kind of pisses me off when people say that, actually, like, "why do people blame the OW?", or "she never made vows to you", or "why are you still thinking about the OW/OM?" Come on, she hurt me horribly. A major betrayal by a friend would be a traumatic life event for anyone. I don't know why that should suddenly change, or I should suddenly stop caring about that just because my husband was involved too. I don't blame her for what he did, I blame her for what SHE did - I thought she cared about me too, even if she never stood up in church and made a promise. She broke my heart too, and I have a right to have feelings about that and process them.

^^^AWESOME^^^ I've struggled so much with this, and this truly is a situation where you have to have BTDT to understand where the BS of a double betrayal is coming from. I can't fathom, at this point, ever having a really close friend again and truly trusting anybody.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 13th (Monday)

LadyYoga:

If you are the same person I think you are, I remember talking about this with you in the past. I don't know how reconciliation can ever fully happen when there is never NC in true place. I get that it isn't pleasant for the kids and such, but infidelity impacts the whole family.

OW/xBFF's daughter and my oldest two daughters were VERY close. They thought they were cousins.. We live in similar proximity, (although not the same schools). NC was for the whole family and that meant all the kids as well. I have been contacted once by her daughter via the internet and I told her that we would be continuing to stay NC with them (not in those words of course, she is just a tween).

Anyway, 3/4 think you should all maintain this arrangement? Are you the one hold out? I wouldn't blame you if you are. For how many years will this be the focus of your delayed healing? Personally (and this is just my opinion), I don't think I could have R'd having to see or text OW and share my children with her.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
LadyYoga
Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 13th (Monday)

yes, it's me. OW is actually the odd man out. She said play dates should be over after our last run in in october where she walked into my yoga class and I walked out. I emailed her ranting and she said she was shaking but there was no way she was going to leave and we both should have just "breathed through it"

We are really in true R. Our marriage is great now. However, I do not think I will truly be able to heal with her in the picture. So, I practice acceptance. I would just like to find someone else who is also doing that. In all my years on here, I haven't found one. Majority say they move. We tried the complete NC for two years but it was even harder for me. With the boys being in the same class, them living around the corner and with modern technology (Skype, minecraft, xbox, etc.) it was impossible. It would be like stalking my kid having a secret relationship with their friend. Next year, they will be indifferent schools so that may help. But, I doubt it.

It's going to reman status quo, I just need to figure out some tools to work with the situation.
sigh.....


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
sobbinginfla
New Member
Member # 36757
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I know this feeling, having been married for 36 years. It is never too late. It's horrid to know that you lived with someone for so long and never actually knew them. But it does not mean that life is over. You are at an awesome time in life and have so much more knowledge and experience now. Enjoy yourself! This is the best revenge of them all

Posts: 4 | Registered: Sep 2012
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 13th (Monday)

You are the only one I have ever seen with this situation as well. I can only imagine how difficult it is.

I know what you mean about how it is difficult with the other things like xbox, instagram, and all other ways these kids are communicating now. When OW/xBFF's daughter found me on YouTube, she asked me if I had a FB or an instagram. I didn't bother informing her that when her idiotic mother set up her FB, that she blocked me and fWH from it. I seen the FB within a month of it being creative due to my intense investigative mode that I was in. It was months later that OW's daughter contacted me, and I thought about telling her, then kept it exactly the way it should have been. Likely, OW was just doing it to protect her daughter, can I really fault her for that???

Now that my girls are getting to the age of instagram, I worry OW's daughter might try to contact them. They were 7 and 8 when this happened, so they must remember her.. I don't know if they do or not, a few weeks of trying to keep it from them and I couldn't take the constant begging from them to have "Aunt" and "cousin" over. I finally told H I couldn't take it and he had to have a little chat with them about how their "Aunt" would never be coming around again. I don't think at that age they would have really understood "infidelity", so there was never a good explanation other than "Aunt hurt Momma really bad" and "don't ever bring her up"

And they never have.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
LadyYoga
Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Yeah, that was the age my boys were during the hiatus. Now, my kids are always "connected" in some way to their friends. They all have iphones , ipads, computers, xbox, etc so they text and facetime constantly. It would be extremely difficult to make them go NC at this point. About an hour ago, I pulled into the school parking lot and OW also pulled in. Our cars ended up being face to face. So crazy that I have to live like this. But, that doesn't bother me as much as having to see her face in front of my house (which is rare. I have the boys answer the door when her son gets dropped off if I know she is the one dropping off.) Mostly, is is OWH who I am still friendly with. Totally a messed up situation. Cest la vie as they say.

If you find someone who walks in my shoes, please tell them to PM me.


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 13th (Monday)

IAmSoBlind:

Wow, sounds like we had the same so-called "friends". I also feel that my OW's H was partially an instigator and escalated the situation. They were also long-term friends of ours, and the situation completely nuked various aspects of our social circle.

I am sorry you are here with a triple betrayal as well. It's a completely fucked up, sick kind of infidelity. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. People who encourage their spouses to have affairs with other people so they can get off on the illicitness and other people's pain...that's a special breed of sociopath right there.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
iamsoblind42
Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 13th (Monday)

TheGarden... I really need to post more so I can contact you directly (50 right?). I can't believe how similar our stories are. Sad really...

My BF's H has been acting the same way. Sent me a text that "they did not have intercourse". How he would never let another man put his junk in his wife. OK "Clinton", oral sex is OK? He is seriously dillusional!

At least you knew the kind of "marriage" they had. I did not. I knew BF's H was way too flirtatious especially when drunk and it actually made me feel sorry for my friend. I had no idea she was in on it too.

After I caught them she has sworn it has NEVER happened with anyone else including my WH and she has been married for over 20 years.

I refuse to talk with her or her H anymore. I blocked them on FB and do not respond to any texts. I am going to block her email as soon as I send this.

Do you think you and your WH will get past this? Do you still think about it all the time? If not, how long can you go without thinking about it? I know everyone is different but just curious as to when I might start to feel less pain.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I am sorry to say that although I am 7 months past it, I still think about it all the time. It is not as painful now as it was during the first few months, but it is never far from my mind at any moment.

The double betrayal part is now much harder for me to deal with than my husband's betrayal, actually. But that is because he has been remorseful and has spent countless hours since then trying to work it out with me, apologizing, talking about it, etc. I've done a lot of processing with him, and he's worked a lot on the issues that allowed him to go there with the OW, lie, sneak around, etc.

But there was no closure with my "friends". They never explained or apologized. I still can't even figure out why the OW did what she did. It's just so crazy and sick and such a horrible thing to do to a close friend that I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't understand why OW's H was so cruel to me afterwards, how any sane, ethical person could ever stand next to his wife and deliberately encourage her to do sexual things with her friend's monogamous husband, her friend who knew nothing and trusted and loved all of them, and all of them knew it would devastate me.

I will never understand any of these things, so of course I ruminate about it all the time.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 8:03 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 13th (Monday)

TheGarden,

7 months is a very short time. I know that likely feels discouraging, but each day you press on, it will get easier.

It took a lot of time for me to give up on "the why's". I did a lot of "why's" to my fWH, and finally just realized there were no answers. And the "why's" still sneak into my head about OW/xBFF from time to time.

Why did she hate me? Why did she want my life? Why was she so mad when he decided to stay with his wife and kids? Why for almost three years did she do this in my house under my nose? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she love me the way I loved her? Why would she do this to my kids and her daughter? Why would she tell people the lies she did about me? Why would she pretend she was doing me favors when coming over, when really it was so she could have sex with MY husband?

The why's are endless. I fully realize there are no answers to these why's either, but I feel like there should be. The best my MC could do for me is talk about how jealousy is such an evil sin, and it can overtake a person. I guess that is my only "why".. Although, I could leave it at she is just plain evil.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
SeekingJoy
Member
Member # 25165
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Is this an open posting? I am part of this club.I hope I'm allowed to post here.

I'm just realizing that it has been 4.5 years since I became a part of this club. I'm not any closer to healing. My SIL (and very close friend) had an affair with my xH. She is still married to my brother. I haven't seen either or them, nor my baby niece in all this this time. She must be nearly 5 by now, and only lives 45 minutes away.

I have only spoken to my brother a couple of times in the past 4.5 years. I invited his family to my daughter's birthday last year- he declined, and said that he "was not ready". (his wife had the affair; I did nothing)...he's apparently protecting her (?)

I am letting this anger and resentment take away any relationship I could have with my niece. I'm so sad over this, and yet I don't know how to forgive. I want to know my niece. I want my girls to know their cousin. I cannot forgive her.

I've forgiven my ex for his multiple affairs. I just don't care about it anymore. I am more concerned with his ongoing verbal abuse; maybe the abuse has just taken precedent over the lies.

How has 4.5 years past already? Why does it seem as vivid as if it were yesterday? Is my life just going to flitter away, wasted by negative energy? How can I ever get past it?


I'm not crazy... I prefer the term mentally hilarious.

"People will show you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be." -Don Draper.



Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2009
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Why did she hate me? Why did she want my life? Why was she so mad when he decided to stay with his wife and kids? Why for almost three years did she do this in my house under my nose? Why didn't I see it? Why didn't she love me the way I loved her? Why would she do this to my kids and her daughter?

I understand - similar situation, here. And now it appears the AP has told her kids to not speak to me (probably us), after OBS and I had agreed to try to keep it as congenial between the kids as possible. I spoke to them the other day 7 months out (they are 7 and 10) and was clearly rebuffed. Also, AP did the same to my son a couple of months back. Who would do that?

We live in a small city, and the two couples spent a lot of time together for a couple of years - we have many of of the same mutual friends. It has been a real struggle to try to keep things as normal as possible for our son.

As far as the APs motivations - it was always about them. So, you can't make someone not be narcissistic. That, and they are profoundly broken. I don't think my H's AP would have broken it off with him, ever. She wanted my/our life. I am glad he confessed after thinking I found out after a relatively short amount of time.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LadyYoga
Member
Member # 28611
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Bionicgal, I sent you a PM. Just wanted to see how your are doing


BS (me) 39
WH 50
DD,DS,DS
D-day 3/11/10 (3 month EA,1 week PA)
Whore was my best friend

Posts: 700 | Registered: May 2010
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I don't think my H's AP would have broken it off with him, ever. She wanted my/our life.

OMG this! Oddly enough, fWH and OW/xBFF had "broken up" 3 or 4 times throughout the A. They were in the middle of getting ready to "break up" again when I found out.

OW/xBFF was super pissed at fWH because he had told her he was never going to leave. After months of fighting, she finally asked him "well then will you just have us both"?

I am completely confused by how someone would want to be the OW forever. How can this be someone's ultimate resolve?? If he won't have me only, maybe he can have us both!? This is insane.

Then, when her and I spoke after discovery (and she informed me she always knew deep down this is how it would end, but she hoped it hadn't), she said "well, he told me if I waited until the kids were all grown, he would come back for me"

Really idiot?? My baby was 5 weeks old when she said this. So she was going to wait EIGHTEEN years???? Wow.. How P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C!

He did admit to me to saying this, he said he was sure she would find someone else and that was just something to appease her at that time of "break up". People say the darnedest (and most idiotic) things in affairs.

[This message edited by Myheartstillhurt at 10:07 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2010 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
staystrong25
New Member
Member # 42120
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

I too was betrayed by the two people I loved the most. I told her things in trust and she used them against me in order to steal my husband. All it did was cause 4 people grief and hurt. She had her affair with my husband because she felt I was on a high horse and had to be put in place! For what? All I tried to do was help her in her time of need while she was separated from her awful husband, little did i know that she was just as bad. She was jealous because my marriage was great, we were happy and my husband treated me great. She used my friendship to get closer to him and become friend with him. I feel so stupid. I hate her and want tell her how I feel since I never got to. When I found out I was so shocked that I apologized to her while she called me names. And she has the nerve to tell my childhood friend (who she used to be friends with) that she has a hard time seeing us hanging out without her, and that basiclly this was somehow my fault. Ugh, I though by now I could move on, I wish he would have had an affair with someone we didnt know or didnt share friends with, I cant get her out of my life.

D-Day 12/08/2012
Still working on our marriage, moving in good direction


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Devastated63
New Member
Member # 42135
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

I'm new here and need some advice. I found out 2 months ago that my husband of 29 years had a 14 month long affair with a good friend of mine. It has been over for 8 months, and we are working on rebuilding our marriage and repairing the damage.

I have forgiven my husband, but I feel like I need some closure with my former friend. I can't stop thinking about the depth of her betrayal. We socialized with her and her husband during the whole affair, and I was oblivious! I feel like such a stupid fool! I cannot fully heal with this terrible jealousy, hatred, and anger in my heart.

Here is my question... Should I contact her and try to get some closure? I just feel like I need to hear her apologize and ask for forgiveness. I would appreciate any advice you guys can give me.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Birmingham, AL
staystrong25
New Member
Member # 42120
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Devastated63- I too feel the need to contact her. But what would i say? What would she say? Ask for my forgiveness?> She would never get it. Tell me she is sorry? I know she would be full of shit, how can a friend, and im using that term loosely, do such a thing for so long and feel remorse. She doesnt. All your gonna do is hurt more. I contacted my xbff once, shorty after i found out about the affair and all she did was hurt me more. She said things to me that I would rather not repeat, these things are still on my mind. Only when we go digging do we find gold, or a shit storm in this scenario. I still think about it and its been a year, i stalk her FB and question our mutual friend because I want to hear how shity her life is. I even contemplate revenge of some sort, like telling my side of the story to her husband who blames me and my husband only. there were so many things that she did while separated from her husband, things besides taking advantage of me and my marriage, that I know could put a wrench in her life just like she did in mine. But this site has helped a lot. Talking to people and reading their stories is helping, We are not alone and we are not to blame.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Devastated63
New Member
Member # 42135
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, January 20th (Monday)

staystrong25: I have become obsessed with her. I too stalk her FB daily. I drive by her design shop every time I'm in that area. Our son is a good friend of her son's, and I feel sick to my stomach every time he goes to their house. He doesn't know about the affair, so I just have to stand there with a fake smile on my face while he tells me what she cooked them for dinner!! It's torture.

I've got to find some way to forgive her so I can move forward. The resentment is literally making me sick. She is already out of my life, now I need to get her out of my head.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Birmingham, AL
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Devastated - I understand the impulse to get some closure with her, but it is unlikely it will be rewarding in any way. I wrote a letter to the AP (our "friend") and asked for an apology - which I got. But, it was all focused on her, and how she felt bad. I think the whole idea is that they are just focused on themselves. . they didn't care about us then. (And why would they now?) They just wanted the high of the affair.

I hope you can find some peace in your heart. I have felt anger towards OW lately, but deep down I pity her. I am so glad I don't have to wake up in the morning and be her, as hard as it is to be me some mornings. At least I can look at myself as a good, honorable and worthy person.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Devastated63
New Member
Member # 42135
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

bionicgal- Your response makes a lot of sense to me. It's very good advice and I'm really taking it to heart. This is by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It helps so much to talk to others who are going through something similar. I can't talk to family or friends because I really don't want everyone to know about all of this hurt and ugliness. Thank you again.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Birmingham, AL
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I think my WH is still in contact with my former "friend". I can't prove it as he uses his work email address to communicate with her and I have no access to that. But he has started writing in his journal again (which he should just call my slam book) and he has written things that lead me to believe he has broken NC. We have "counseling" tomorrow morning and I think I am going to air my suspicions there. He won't be expecting that. This is so ridiculous that I have to play this stupid game. But since he is passive-aggressive, he never tells me the truth.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)


..@tigereyes..

..just wondering if bringing up your suspicions at IC will just push him to be extra cautious and go into gaslighting and denial mode.

..could you hire a PI to track them both for positive proof?

..hope you can get to better days..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I've been thinking a lot about the AP aspect of my double betrayal situation lately. I think I may be at the very beginning stages of dealing with the fact that my friend hurt me.

It seems like really simple concept, but I think it's one of those areas that may differ between the genders. From my experience, it's a lot more common for a female to tell her friend (or someone else) that her friend hurt her, or hurt her feelings.

As a guy, I don't think it comes quite so easily. We're much quicker to say that we're pissed at another guy, or we're going to kick his ass, before we say that another guy hurt us emotionally.

Not that there's any shame in saying it, it just doesn't come naturally to us, at least initially.

Well, I am finally saying it: my friend hurt me. He, in conjunction with my wife, hurt me. He took advantage of my trust and he stabbed me in the back.

Someone upthread mentioned not getting any closure with your friend, and I totally agree with that. It's one of the most angering and frustrating aspects of this garbage. Upon DDAY1, I have never heard from him again. He has never apologized for his role in wrecking my life temporarily. And the few snippets of info I get from other sources seem to indicate that while his life is shit, he has exhibited no remorse, only righteousness.

I don't know how to deal with this yet.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I belong to this club. My husband had a LTA with a close family friend. She went on family vacations with us. She celebrated milestones with us. How could I be so blind? I trusted this woman around my children and family. I question myself constantly...
Why didn't I see it?
How could I be so stupid?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
lefther
New Member
Member # 42463
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I am part of this awful club now. You think you know and love two people, and they just devastate you on so many levels.


BH - 29(me)
WW/STBXW - 26
M <7 T >9
2nd D-day - Christmas Day 2013

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Ca
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Helpless  Posted: 10:43 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I belong to the club nobody wants to belong too. My husband had a LTA with a close family friend. I've known her for 18 years. She went on family vacations with us. She celebrated our children's birthdays. We celebrated her kids birthdays. It's heartbreaking. It's insane. I question all my relationships because I trusted this woman around my family. Even when I heard rumors about my husband and the OW, I could not believe it. I confronted my husband about the rumors. He denied and denied. How could I be so blind?????

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Every day that I do not drive to my former BFF's house and snatch her bald is a success in my book.

At least my stbx has had to suffer a bit with the kids being angry with him, he has had to see how much he hurt me, etc. She just ran away and never even apologized. Some friend. I would have taken a bullet for her. I guess in a way, I did.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Facepunched,
You know, I asked for an apology from my "friend" of 8ish years, and got one, and it was like the Muzak of apologies -- like cotton candy. It had so little substance, I am surprised that words even appeared on the paper. So. . . I don't know. It isn't as helpful as you might think that she made the effort - such as it was. (She, a 40+ year old woman, referenced an obscure song in the first few lines of the apology, and the proceeded to tell me that it didn't capture all she was trying to say. Like, I was going to go and Google a f-ing song so that I could decipher her apology? What are we, 13? Geez. I obviously still get angry thinking about it.)

On the other hand, I feel like my H wrote a reasonable apology to the OBS (who was a friend), so it can be done. But, our MC said in all his years of practice that my H was the only man who had ever written an apology to the OBS. So, like everything else with affairs - I wouldn't take it personally.

I know that doesn't help at all!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:46 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I never got an apology. She just dropped out if my life...I haven't seen or heard from her since DDay. I used to want an apology...I deserved at least that right? Now I realise that I don't need anything from her except what she's giving me...complete NC with me and wh. Would an apology have made me feel better? No. I realise that now.

Most people are surprised that I didn't hunt her down and confront her or send her nasty texts (some of our mural friends did...which I enjoyed) but there are no words that I can say to her that will express my anger and hatred for her...and if she made some comment about my husband I'd lose it and I can't give her the power to get to me like that.

Now OBS and WH are a different situation. OBS hated wh for about 6 months and then he slowly let wh back into his life and a year later they spend more time hanging out then ever before. I've told OBS that I don't know how he looks WH in the face after everything...somehow he does though. Keep in mind wh got ow pregnant (always a chance it wasn't his baby she had another boyfriend besides my husband...she had an abortion so we don't have to find out) OBS has a zero sperm count and couldn't get his wife pregnant...they did IUI with doner sperm for three month and it didn't work...she slept with my husband for three months and got pregnant that's a pretty big betrayal. Add to the list that wh and ow had sex in OBS house and car well he was away working and paying for her to have some time off well she figured out what she wanted to do next. I struggle to understand how he could forgive all that? I would never forgive ow...ever I'm not even totally sure I will ever forgive wh.

OBS and ow are divorced and NC...obviously I wouldn't allow OBS and wh to be friends if OW was still in the picture. She left OBS for OM #2....classy girl she turned out to be.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 222 | Registered: Oct 2012
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I don't want an apology from OW. There is nothing she could say to me that I would want to hear. Friends who betray you, manipulate you to wedge themselves between you and your spouse--these are people who don't feel remorse or empathy. They are narcissists and what sort of apology would I expect to receive from someone like that? I know the OW in my case is not sorry, that she enjoyed being the sadistic bitch who had power over me, who used what information I gave her in "friendly" conversation against me and my family, that I represented someone from her past that she felt she had to put in their place.

OW is a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. She is a miserable person who does not deserve even the chance to apologize for her actions.

Sounds a little bitter, huh?


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2014
tigereyes
Member
Member # 25318
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I feel like, after 26 years of being BEST FRIENDS, the least she owed me was an apology. I kept her nasty secret about her PA with the pedophile for her for a year, even though it left a bad taste in my mouth. I was beyond loyal to her.

I know she is a narcissist. I know she has the self-esteem of a slug. But I can't imagine how she can stand in front of her church every Sunday and sing in the Praise Choir and pretend to be a good person and she couldn't even, 1)Leave my husband alone and 2)Not apologize for not doing number 1.

I'll be dreaming of setting her on fire all day today, because that is what they used to do to WITCHES.


BW-40
WH-41 2 EA's that I know of, 1 with my "best" friend of 26 years
Married almost 22 years
4 kids - 21, 18, 14, and 11
He filed D 6/11/14
Fighting me for custody

Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2009
brokengirl37
Member
Member # 42530
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I am sadly part of this club too

What I am going to do about it, that I don't know. I work with this woman, right along side her. She was not only my friend she IS my co-worker. Not only did both my H and her have an affair, they also screwed with my place of employment. I am the one that looses.

Since I am only 2 weeks out from D-Day I have no idea of what I should do. I have gone to my employer and told them the situation and they gave me a 6 month LOA. I have also filed for Employment Insurance and have qualified for 15 weeks of sick benefits that my doctor has signed off on for severe trauma (No kidding!!)

I have outed her to EVERYONE!! She is older (50, my H just turned 40! I am 37.) My friends and hers have all turned against her and no one at work will talk to her. (Pity)What the hell did she expect? She tried to contact me on FB and apologize, she didn't mean to do it, Im sorry for hurting you, please forgive me blah blah blah..I have since blocked her. She of course is now playing the victim card, saying it was all him. Bitch please you slept with a married man, you knew what you were doing, you were out to destroy me! She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from work that night. Ugh how was I so blind? How could I be so trusting? So fucking dumb.

My union rep is taking my H phone to meetings this month to show to the president.. to show that she had intent (texting him about her and her sexy lingerie and to leave me and the kids) to see what she can do. My union rep wants to see if some kind of precedent can be set,because it affects the employment of one of their employees. I have been told that I could transfer stores but would loose the senority I have, hence starting all over again. Why should I have to leave? She should have to leave and my union rep is going to try her hardest to get her to transfer. She has ruined the vibe in our company, so many people are mad at her (there are a lot of married couples in that place that are just revolted). They want me to come back, and not to quit, but how do I do that? What if she is there? (My scheduler said she would do her best to put us in different depts.)I don't know how I would react, right now would be with rage. How would I not feel shame? Hold my head up high? When I feel so low..how do I do that?


Me: 38
WH : 40
2 Boys Age 10, 13
D-Day Feb 16 2014
OW: My Co-worker

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Broken girl,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. GOOD for you on telling everyone about the OW. She doesn't deserve to have her bad moral choices kept secret.

I told everyone too. The OW was so embarrassed at her work place, that she walked out and never came back. I told her almost X husband, and he filed for custody and won. I told the whole town, and our mutual pastor called her and told her to leave me and my husband alone. She couldn't move out of that town fast enough! So good for you, I hope she runs away with her tail between her legs.

It's just not a fair game. You are just sailing through life being married, and she is playing this game with your husband and his feelings. How can you play a game that you don't know has even started?

She is the trampy OW, not you. You can hold your head up because you have morals. She WILL be the one who is ashamed. She will have to hang her head. She is a marriage wrecker. Everyone will feel bad for you because you were attacked. They will want to be friends with you, and she won't be included in the lunch plans. No one wants to be around someone who has loose morals and might try something with their husbands.

Hang in there.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 107 | Registered: Feb 2014
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Brokengirl37

I am so sorry you are part of this club!!! (((Hugs)))

The MOW in my case thought all the neighbors would hate me when the affair came out. She told me that. Also discussed with my husband a couple of times. She would tell him (my husband) the neighbors would be shocked but that she would remain friends with all of them. My husband would think you are crazy to think that but ok?!?! Friends were very very very important to her. So when it came out she confesses to them like she is the victim. Well that did not last. They all got her number after awhile and dumped her. Well she blamed me for her not having friends she even had her husband call and tell me that!!! Crazy crazy. Well they put up the house for sale and lost 30000 something thousand dollars because she could not stay with no friends! Thank God!!!!!! I prayed hard for that house to sell!

Maybe you should tell her she needs to find another job! I am sure she is properly looking because she is very uncomfortable there. Unless she is insane. Which could very well be.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Feel better!!!


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 146 | Registered: Jul 2011
StuckGertie
New Member
Member # 42626
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

My first post here.
My H had an EA with my SIL.
It's been a little over 2 years and I still don't know what to do.
H is remorseful and has done most of what he should be doing. I guess. I go back and forth. He says he will wait for me to decide. That he will still be here.

Sometimes I think things will be OK and then something will happen to remind me that what he has done has totally messed up my family. I do talk to my brother but he doesn't want anything to do with my H. I don't blame at all because that's exactly how I feel. All of my family know. H told his own family as well (when I insisted - if my family had to know, then so did his).

There is some good - my Bro and SIL are getting divorced. I think this was just the last straw in a relationship with multiple A's on both sides. Their D does make it easier for me to visit him and his kids. But I don't bring H. And H hasn't been to any of my family gatherings since. Since discovery happened over Xmas holidays, I have not visited my family during that holiday the last two years. I find other times to visit, especially to see my parents who are getting older.

This will be my life if I stay.
So I guess I'm looking for someone who has gotten through a similar situation. And stayed together? And are happy?
(I know that's a lot to ask for!)
Is it possible?


Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014
Brokenhearted49
New Member
Member # 39243
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

The double betrayal is a special kind of hell. I am 9 months past DDay and in R. This kind of event puts a pretty big dent in the ability to trust. I'm mad at them both but my "best friend" and my daughter's godmother is especially hard to stomach. However, the person I'm mad at the most is myself. How could I be so arrogant to think this could never happen to me? How could I ignore my gut when red flags were going off like crazy? How could I be so dumb? My therapist says that its a good thing that I am shocked, that it means I'm a trusting person. Well, I dont see it. I just think I'm a stupid idiot that let a conniving bitch get the better of me. I was such a good friend to her and she re-paid me by seducing my husband using all the "inside" information she had gleaned from me over the years. She used our girl talk to weasle her way in and manipulate my husbands weaknesses. My husband isnt off the hook but he was no match for her narcissistic ways. I practically gave her a blueprint to lure away my H..


Me: 50
Him: 57
Together 26 yrs, married 23 yrs
2 stepsons ( which I've helped raise) 29 & 28 and our son , 21 and daughter 19
OW was daughters Godmother and my Best Friend and has NPD (severe case)
DDay: 5/7/13
Reconciling

Posts: 27 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Medway, MA
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

@mrcpu
Is it strange to feel more anger toward my x-BFF than my WW?

I am soooo angry with the OW, I hate her and what she did - but just today my WH ask why would I be more angry with her when his betrayal is far worse and he then said that I was most likely directing my anger with him at her .

He's partly right
Or maybe it's just that I deal with the anger at him because he is right there and she is long gone - NC for 2.5 months


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from work

I'm sorry Brokengirl37. I understand this all too well.
Your story is very similar to mine, from the MOW being your coworker gathering info, right down the LOA and the union involvement.

I know that you are going through so much right now, and to have it not only affect your family, friendship and your work as well, multiplies the injury.

The costs to me were far too high. I hope that you can get the support you need here and at your workplace. There is no reason for your seniority to be affected by her bad decision making. I am glad that your union rep is being supportive, my experience was the opposite, because she was the president of the union, in the workplace. So that was an extra complication for me. I am so glad that is where our stories differ.


((brokengirl37))


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

She knew intimate details of our M because I told her, she played on them and went in for the attack! She would text him during the day and tell him if I was in a good mood or a bitchy mood, therefore he knew how to react to me when he came home from work
Count me in on this aspect as well. My wife's AP was the guy that I'd have a beer with and talk about life's troubles and annoyances, both within and outside of my marriage. I can't help but feel it gave him the inside track.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

At least once a day I suppress the urge to call the x BF/OW and tell her what a stupid slapper she is.

does that happen to everyone else too?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I was such a good friend to her and she re-paid me by seducing my husband using all the "inside" information she had gleaned from me over the years. She used our girl talk to weasle her way in and manipulate my husbands weaknesses. My husband isnt off the hook but he was no match for her narcissistic ways. I practically gave her a blueprint to lure away my H..

Yeah - true for me as well, although most of our talk was between us and her and her husband. But, she knew my H's insecurities, his FOO stuff, and my worries about what his Achille's heel was, and my being upset over his excessive work travel, and totally used those things to weasel her way in. In fact, that is how she is known around here these days . . the weasel.

But you know what, I also think she knew how much I loved my H, and deep down, she must've known how much he loved me as well. I know for certain, that what she wanted was parts of our relationship, in a way.

Yes, she got to feel powerful for a while because she got to get a good man to set his wife aside (there's something to be proud of!), but the minute I found out about the affair, the fact that there was never a choice between us became crystal clear.

All she really did was set herself up to be used, and you know, my H feels bad about that now in retrospect, but he also sees her for who she is.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:14 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Sorry you find yourself here!

My xfreind used what I was telling her about his state of mind and she used that as an in! I know it hurts and you are mad. You should be! I am often singing a song I made up about her "the Slutie slut" it also makes me realize she is not in the same league as me.

Think about this

You are a good person
Friend, wife and etc..
You can look at yourself in the mirror
And smile and be proud of yourself
You are honest
You have integrity
You have class
You have people who love you
You have friends that can trust you
You can walk around with your head up high
She can never ever compete with you on so many more levels!!

Think about how much better of a human being your are!

Sometimes this helps me.
Good luck!!!
(((Hugs)))


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 146 | Registered: Jul 2011
SolsticeMoon
New Member
Member # 42812
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Almost a year ago I learned that my husband of almost 12 years had been having a sexual affair for three years with a woman I considered a close friend. We have two children together and she has 3 with her long-time partner (not married). Our oldest children were best friends and we used to be neighbors.

We spent a lot of time all together and I really enjoyed her and her husband's friendship and loved their children.

Some days I am not sure who I am more furious at. I think that she pretended to be my friend in order to have access to my husband.

I learned that she was also having other affairs before and/or during the time she was having an affair with my husband and I learned that she was an untreated sex addict and was also being assessed for chemical (drug/alcohol addiction). One of the other people she was cheating with was another female friend of ours who is also married and has three children.

Sometimes I see her as a kind of predator. I am so disguised by her. She knew that her partner lived with Herpes but did not disclose this…my husband had unprotected sex with her (and she doesn't use birth control). I was so furious at both her and my husband when I learned that they did not use protection. She is a doctor and my husband is a nurse…you would think two health professionals would have the sense to use protection. I can thank only God that I do not have Herpes and that she did not get pregnant by my husband.

This whole experience has been so hurtful and humiliating. I am new to this site and I am hoping that being able to share here will help me.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New Mexico
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Wow , SolsticeMoon
That OW sounds all kinds of messed up !
Has she been outed ? Dose her partner know ?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
SolsticeMoon
New Member
Member # 42812
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 17th (Monday)

It helps me to read about other people whose child(ren) were friends with the AP's children. My daughter is only 8 now and the AP's son is 7, they were BFFs for about 5 years and we have NC now, but I worry that one day when she is older she will reach out to reconnect with him. She stills asks for him and about him and doesn't understand why she can't be friends with him anymore.

We had been neighbors at one point, we lived in the same metro area when I found out and we have since move cross country.

I hate that my husband's affair caused my child her friend.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New Mexico
SolsticeMoon
New Member
Member # 42812
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, March 17th (Monday)

Yes, the OW has been outed. I didn't tell her partner outright, but as he was also a friend, I sent him a message informing him that I would no longer be in contact with him. This prompted the OW to "have to" confess to him, only after she tried to collaborate with my husband about what they would and wouldn't tell us about the affair…that didn't work.

The OW's partner then began questioning many friends, some that were mutual, to try to investigate.

I personally am quite private and so I tried to be very selective about who I told.

However, what I wanted to do was hang posters around the great metro area with her photo and vicious names printed. And I debated contacting her employer. She told me herself after I found out that she had an assessment done with a mental health professional and was referred to SAA; and I do not think that she should be allowed to work in her professional specialty as a Sex Addict.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New Mexico
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

However, what I wanted to do was hang posters around the great metro area with her photo and vicious names printed.

Love it !


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
Starfish4477
New Member
Member # 41360
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?
Well, my wife's AP was our neigbor. Gently, though, your neighbor can't "steal" your husband.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

The unprotected sex thing is so common, it is shocking. It was one of the most hurtful things of my H's affair. . .

Yes, SM -- her kids were some of my son's best friends, and the younger one was my favorite kid, ever. I used to joke with my son that if it didn't work out with him, I'd just go adopt this little boy; he loved me (and my H, actually) too. It was one of my biggest losses.

My son was 9 on dday, and he knows he can associate with their kids outside of our homes (at b-day parties, other friend's houses, etc.) but that we aren't friends with the family any more. He is very sharp and emotionally astute, and wonders and asks often what happened. He has also noticed that OBS is friendly and waves to him and me, but AP has snubbed him a couple of times. (I could literally slap her for that -- who would be so awful to a child? A narcissistic P.O.S, that is who.) So, he has the sense that it had to do with her, and I am just leaving it at that.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:29 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Can't say I'm thrilled to be joining this club, but I am so grateful to have found this forum. Thank you all for being brave enough to contribute!

We live in a small town and our family and OW's family spent a lot of time together. We have a lot of mutual friends, almost all of whom we introduced them to since they are relatively new to the area. It's the classic double betrayal story with all of the accompanying manipulation and it's all fresh and raw enough for me that I am still an emotional pinball on a daily basis.

I so badly want to be able to turn to my friends for support, but I can't decide if it's worth having to defend my choice to try to R, or worth all the pitiful looks I know I will get every time I go to buy a carton of milk (news travels fast around here). Mostly, though, I'm afraid of the possible effect a confession could have on my children. They are too young to really understand anything specific that might be said in their presence, but they are smart and they definitely read emotions. People are starting to notice and think it's a little strange that OW/XBFF and I are NC (previous to dday we texted daily and spent a lot of time together), so it may soon be a moot point, but:

How many of you told mutual friends? How many of you kept the A secret? How do you feel about that decision now?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

It's obviously your choice, since you are thinking of R.

However, it is not YOUR SECRET to keep. Secrets fester inside and will eventually eat at you.

By you keeping the secret and not open up to your REAL friends for support, you are thinking of him first, not you. You need to heal, you need support. Besides, a little shame on your husband, won't do him any harm.

I can honestly say, that if it wasn't for me opening up, I don't know if I could of survived this without going crazy. Everyone that knew OW, knew that's who STBXH had affair with.

Too bad if he's embarrassed when he sees mutual friends. That's his burden to carry, not yours. And do not let anyone tell you to "get over it". Only people that have gone through this, specially double betrayal, really "Get it".

If you need to talk anytime just PM. You will survive this. You are stronger than you think.


Separated - working on R

Posts: 451 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)

Thanks, Jackie89.
I cried reading your response, not because of your advice but because it is so amazing to be able to talk about this with people who have been through it. Thank you for that.

You're probably right about me protecting him on some level. Unhealthy, I know. The kids (mostly mine but hers too, honestly) are a factor though. Food for thought.

I never thought I would still be learning who I was at this point in my life (or that the learning curve could be so steep).


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, March 26th (Wednesday)

OneFootFirst

Initially I didn't want ANYONE to know , I felt humiliated by the actions of my X BFF
but when her husband found out , he told a few of his close friends which ment that friends of ours knew and we became a bit of gossip , but at least we are not getting invited to the same party's !
I chose 1 close friend to confide in and she has been my rock.

You will feel so much better to have a support person.


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Yep, littleflower-- I think that's kind of where I am now and why I finally decided to stop lurking and post. I don't want to burden anyone else with a secret, although I know I have not personally felt burdened by friends' confessions in the past. Logic is maybe not my strong suit at the moment!

BTW, your "stupid slapper" comment earlier in the thread killed me. Is there a way to set up an automated call for that type of thing?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

Automated - now I hadn't thought of that

I also liked someone's idea of putting poster up in their area
I was thinking maybe
Unwanted posters that they would see on their drive to work ....


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, March 26th (Wednesday)

jackie89


However, it is not YOUR SECRET to keep. Secrets fester inside and will eventually eat at you.

I have been thinking about your comment

I feel that it was their secret
Now I know , it's no longer a secret
Therefore any spell is broken and it's just action and consequence


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
threewords
New Member
Member # 42924
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, March 27th (Thursday)

*sigh. I guess I'm part of this club too.

WH and I are both in the military. There is an unwritten rule that when a military member deploys, the other members of his or her unit should take care of the spouse-left-behind. Obviously, it is usually the men that deploy and their wives that are left behind. WH has always been an outgoing, charming, helpful, needs-to-be-liked kind of guy. When other members of his unit deployed, he would offer to babysit, put up Christmas lights, mow the lawn, repair sprinklers, whatever.

When one of his good friends deployed in 2012, he did the same for his friend's wife (the AP-to-be). WH brought me with him to help out - he would work in the yard while OW (his friend's wife) and I would talk and our kids would play together. I was pretty pregnant at the time and didn't mind relaxing with her while he worked - she and I got to be incredibly close. As time passed, the three of us would go out together for dinner, drinks, etc. Being pregnant (and then later, having a newborn), I would usually go home after dinner and *very naively* insist that they stay out later. After all, I knew how hard it was to go home to all the kids with no help, and how lonely she was without her husband there. AGH. At the time, another friend of mine even suggested to me how suspicious it looked - I vehemently defended both WH and x-friend/OW.

This went on for over 6 months, until OWs husband returned from deployment. Even then, WH and OW (x-friend) kept it up. Then, it was WHs turn to leave. Of course OW told me she would help me in any way she could, as WH was scheduled to be gone for a year. I still had no clue. Eventually, OW's husband (WHs x-friend) found out. And then I found out. And life has been miserable since.

The worst parts (besides the obvious):

My kids. Desperately wanting to hang out with OWs kids. I hate that WH doesn't have to listen to them begging to go over to OWs. I had to lie and tell them they moved. Hopefully we never run into them around town.

The loneliness! I was totally counting on OW/x-BFF to keep me company and support me during my year as a single mom! And within a month of WH leaving, she is completely out of my life.

The embarrassment. WH and I both work in the same area. So does WH's x-friend (OW's husband). OWH has outed WH to everyone. Now, remember, WH is not here, but will be stationed back here in July. Everyone knows. It's going to be awful for him. And before anyone jumps in, no, I don't feel sorry for him, but I also know that he is not the only one to blame, and OW is getting off pretty easy in comparison.

And more embarrassment. The military's a small place. Many people have approached me after hearing grapevine stories, with that awful, pitying "are you ok?" I HATE IT. I have said there is a fine line between sympathy and pity, and while I appreciate support from my friends, there is nothing worse than people feeling sorry for you. Especially if they're really just looking to get in on the gossip. (And with the ridiculous sordid details that accompany this story, the gossip is impressive. I'm just not sharing with the nosy folks at work.)

Last thing - and this doesn't directly affect me, but it's notable anyway. When WH gets back, he will have to share an office with OW's husband. His x-friend. And co-worker. OWH approached me a few weeks ago to ask my advice on how to deal with things. I told him that at this point (D-day was 8+ mos ago), if I ran into OW (his wife), I would be able to walk on by. I'm not angry at her anymore. Could I work with her every day though? Sheesh. I don't know. WH Is unsure if he should talk to his x-friend (OWH), before he returns, or what. It's going to be messy.

This got a little long-winded. I guess I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.


Me - BS
Both in our 30s
Married 10 years
3 young children
Currently separated - he doesn't seem to want to reconcile

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, March 28th (Friday)

Has anyone dealt with a neighbor who tried to steal and/or have sex with your husband?

I see that you removed a comment on your original thread in JFO, and that makes me worry for you. Double betrayal is hard, and the earliest days dealing with it can feel impossible.

I understand what you mean by trying to "steal".

A person close to you (friend, neighbor or relative) has a goal to get the attention of your Husband and to keep it. Combine that with their personal knowledge of you, your relationship, your schedule and they gain an advantage in manipulating opportunities to reach their goal. It becomes a bit of a game for them, to keep tabs on you, and you have no idea you are a pawn in this game.

All of this is done while we are completely unsuspecting. Add in a Spouse who either shares a similar goal or who is just willing, and we are in for a world of hurt when we do find the truth.

It *feels* like something was being stolen from you, because something WAS being stolen. But it wasn't your spouse, it was the truth, and your ability to discern between deception and reality. The truth was being replaced by illusion, and duplicity, in order to keep you from having control over your own life.

The first way to "deal" with this, is to take care of you. The basics of eating and drinking and attempting to sleep. I know that the thoughts of neighbor/friend and what feels like a personal attack on our lives can take over our thoughts. IC (individual counseling with someone who specializes in infidelity) can help you deal with the devastation and emotional upheaval.

Because of the very personal nature of double betrayal, social entanglements, and proximity can complicate how we can best handle the situation. Some people move, if they can't handle the proximity and are able. Some people expose the AP on a large scale, to free themselves from the burden of the secret and awkward exchanges, of not knowing who knows what. Some choose to keep the secret and attempt to portray a "life goes on as normal" approach. It really depends on what kind of a person you are and what you need to heal. It depends on whether or not you and your H have a desire to Reconcile (R).

Double betrayal feels like a personal attack on our well being.

And for this reason, your personal healing and well being is consideration number one.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 4:39 AM, March 28th (Friday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)

A person close to you (friend, neighbor or relative) has a goal to get the attention of your Husband and to keep it. Combine that with their personal knowledge of you, your relationship, your schedule and they gain an advantage in manipulating opportunities to reach their goal. It becomes a bit of a game for them, to keep tabs on you, and you have no idea you are a pawn in this game.

This is so true! My ex BFF saw my life and wanted it. And it made it worse that she knew everything about me. I was 26 weeks pregnant when it started. I was on bed rest from complications so no sexy times happening. I really don't think that my WH would've gone out seeking OW, but she waited for us to have a fight, then she invited him over to talk about it. She had gone with my to the next town over to buy liquor to get him drunk.

She saw that my WH is a good guy mostly, although I complained about stuff that bugged me as most women do to their BFF. So she used that against me. I told her that he was great in bed, and I think she wanted to try it for herself.

There was this one conversation that drives me nuts. We were going to the grocery store together, and she was asking me about my WH's old girl friends. I told her that he had one who smelled like fish after sex, and he would have to open the windows, I was laughing. She went and bought a bunch of douche stuff after that because she was worried she smelled. Skank. It never occurred to me that she was getting info because he was her new boyfriend. I feel SO STUPID! How could I not have guessed?

I feel like everyone was playing a game. Who can win the husband? Only, I didn't know we had started playing, so it wasn't fair. She got to put on her best face, and be great while I was feeling fat and unattractive. I feel like everyone was making fun of me behind my back.

And I can see why she did it. Her marriage was over. She has no morals ( she had tried to steal this other girls long term boyfriend at a wedding). And my life is pretty cushy. I stay home. I've never had to work, but my WH put me through college TWICE ( teaching degree and nursing degree) and I love children so my WH lets me have all the children I want and he's a great dad. He works hard and we have a nice income, and I have maids who come in so I really just get to play with my kids, and we homeschool so I have time to go on great field trips like a month at the beach. It's a great life, who wouldn't want it?

But HE was supposed to protect ME. That is the part I can't get over. That he was so weak, he would fall for the flattery.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 107 | Registered: Feb 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)

I am weighing in about telling people. . .
We are in the same circle of friends, and people not knowing has caused some angst on our part, and some potentially awkward social situations. We have also not gone to some things that we'd like to, as the other couple has, I am sure.

However, there are kids involved, and why cause scandal for them so we can avoid embarrassing social situations? I am not worried about protecting my husband, but our MC indicated that there is a difference in a secret, and privacy. As we get farther from dday, I am somewhat relieved that the worst moment in our marriage is not general knowledge in our small community. A few people know, but we tried to be judicious in who we told.

As begin to move away from feeling defined by the A, I am relieved that I don't have to be defined that way by anyone else.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Thanks for that, bionicgal.
Still haven't told anyone in town yet, but it is becoming apparent that at some point that will need to happen with a select few who are near and dear to us.
Me, the OW, and WH all serve(d?) on a nonprofit board together-- just had our first meeting since dday and I actually texted OW this afternoon to make sure she didn't plan to attend. Fortunately, the answer was "no" but she didn't clarify whether she was resigning from the board or not. I hate the thought of being in contact with her, but I might just have to suck it up if we are to coexist here.
Why can't they all just move cross country?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

I think it is very wise not to tell everyone. I did not take that route. I reached out to anyone who had ears. I was thinking that if the stats were true, surely someone would be able to tell me that they had been through it too and help me. But that didn't happen. Instead, people said things that ended up hurting me more like, " I would leave my H, you shouldn't stay with him". And made me feel like a lesser person for staying.

So, good for you to realize that keeping it under cover is the best thing.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 107 | Registered: Feb 2014
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)

Freebygrace, I am sorry that was your experience. I did not get any advice of that nature. I was given no advice at all. But then my situation was different in that the exposure came in one big reveal.

I want to share my experience, not because I think you should do the same or believe the same, as I have done, but because keeping the secret is not the best option for everyone, namely me. There is no right way, in my opinion. There are pros and cons to both, and when I weighed them, I found myself on the other side of the coin.

My AP and subsequently my FWH were exposed on the grand scale. It was public. An article written by a reporter blew it open, and it was quite scandalous. I have a work ethic that was not shared by my publicly employed coworker, so when the issue was brought to light, I chose to speak out. It meant that they would both be exposed equally.

I don't have to worry about who knows what. I don't worry about which friend or faux friend is the information leak, or the one who secretly relishes in the pain of others. I have been the receiver of secrets others thought they had buried, and I knew that our family secret would be no different. I had been hurt by family secrets and made the decision that this was not going to be a secret and unknown source of future hurt for my children. Our family experience will not be a taboo topic.

They all know. And it was done with my permission. Gossip is unfortunately a part of life, and instead of them finding out through the game of telephone with all the twisted half truths, they were all given one story, from which they chose to form their opinions.

My real friends were easily sorted from those who were opportunistic. It was painful. I don't regret the knowledge I gained from that experience. It hurt, but I don't have to wait to learn who, is a friend of me, my children and my M. Including my FWH. He also had to endure the exposure. Had he not, I do not believe that I would have been able to offer R.

As awful as it was, it was a gift. I am free from the burdens of secrecy, which would have weighed heavily on me. I prefer knowing my enemies from my friends.

I really don't think I could sleep at night, if I had kept what I knew to myself.

I have been described as a "very private person" by many, before the A and since. Which is interesting when you consider the degree to which we were exposed. Yet I still feel private. What everyone else knows now, is equal to what they knew then....only what I allowed. They know my husband cheated, they know I took him back, they know the identity of one AP. That's it. The rest is speculation. My real friends, expected the best of me. My fake friends were waiting for a reason to hate me. Both found their reasons, and I in turn found their true motivation.

Through this I learned a great lesson. Your (general you) secrets aren't safe with me, if they conflict with my moral compass. I will not/can not keep them. I'd rather be hated then carry them around. For those who have secrets I am a horrible friend, but I am honest about it. For those who are honest, I am loyal.

I honestly don't regret this. "The truth shall set you free" resonates with me deeply.

This does not mean I don't respect the decision made by others to maintain a sense of privacy, or disclosure to a small group. I respect that each of us must decide in relation to our world view. I do respect that. I just know that I acted in accordance to my belief system and because of that....I sleep well at night.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Just venting. I've slipped back to feeling a lot of anger and hurt over the double aspect of the betrayal. I should preface this by saying H is now for the most part being wonderful. Sensitive, in IC and MC, going to a men's support group, reading, trying to connect, everything. But I'm really struggling with the mindf*ck of it all. And some days I am sick looking at him. Like get the F away from me. During the A I know that he was in a complete fog, had demonized me and our M, things weren't great pre-A, but... I can't shake that personal attack feeling. The OW was very underhanded. She faked a friendship with me and from the get-go set her sights on my H. My H obviously was not innocent either and made the choice to betray me.

As far as my H and I have come in the last few months though, I can't shrug off this feeling of being ganged up on of this being a personal attack somehow (my MC does agree that it was to a degree). OW clearly was getting off on "stealing" my H (I know you can't "steal" someone, but this was very much a competition in her eyes), came to my home and spent evenings with just me and my H, asked me "as a friend" to watch her children overnight, went out with me on girl nights, would tell me she was going to buy new sexy underwear since she was recently separated--all the while she is sleeping with my H. My H said he doesn't know why he didn't tell her to back off, to stop pursuing hanging out with me. He knew he was uncomfortable with it, but he just allowed her to steamroll me. He says he was angry at me bc of our pre-A M issues and my thinking is that he may have been getting off on this cunning way of putting me down, of knowing that he and OW had power over me that I was clueless about.

I'm having a really tough time with this lately. The personal aspect of the double betrayal is such a huge sticking point for me. I feel such hot anger about it sometimes, my face gets all red and my hands clammy.

The disconnect between who my H is now and who he was then is so huge. I almost feel like the collusion between the 2 of them is worse than the sex. Does that make sense?

I'd love to hear your experiences about how you've overcome or dealt with feeling stuck b/c of a double betrayal. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this.

Feeling lost.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2014
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, April 10th (Thursday)

Ugh. For me, the collusion, as you call it, is absolutely what I spend most of the time being angry about. The lying, the sex, the way he acted towards me during the A, those things hurt. They make me sick and sad. But that relationship they both concealed so well despite being in near constant contact with me? That BURNS.

Maybe it's a good thing they deleted their FB chat history (literally thousands of messages over a 6 month period, most of which were sent while I sat on the couch 15 feet from WH's computer), because it would probably make me homicidal to read it. They probably messaged during our kids' play dates.
I see it less as a personal attack than a really fucked up head game. May you never have another "friend" like her.
Sending virtual hugs and the strength to focus that anger, V12.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
Furious1
Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

I would like to introduce myself. I am Furious1.

Six months ago, WH confessed to a three year affair with my sister along with 4 other affairs. The full story is in my profile.

My sister is a year older than me. Although we grew up together, we grew up very differently. I was the family scapegoat and suffered extreme and intense abuse. She was the golden child who could do no wrong.

She was just as much one of my abusers as anyone else in my family. When I was four, she cut off my thumb just because she could. I use to have to stand and face the wall so that she could jump off of the furniture and kick me in the back of the head, smashing my face over and over until she got bored. My face carries many scars from that and much more. My mother rewarded her for abusing me.

At the best of times, I was her servant. She never failed to remind me that she was better than me.

When I moved back to my hometown as an adult, my sister was always at my house. I thought she was trying to turn over a new leaf and have an adult relationship with me. Boy, was I wrong. WH started an affair with her before he could even unpack. It continued until my morally bankrupt sister was arrested for dealing drugs out of her house.

Until recently, I never told my husband about my childhood abuse. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. It just hurts that WH hooked up with my monster of a sister. Anyone else on the planet would hurt bad enough, but to choose HER?

When we were teenagers, I would never date anyone who had been attracted to her, let alone involved with her. I knew what a mean, selfish person she was and I had to question the type of man who was attracted to that. I would never give them the time of day once they had anything to do with her.

Now I'm married to one. Their A happened years ago, but I just found out about it six months ago. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

I'm not a dog, but she is truly ugly from the inside out. It turns my stomach to think about it.

I have worked so hard to be a better person than the family I was raised in. I raised both my kids and hers (the state took them away because she was abusing them the same way she abused me growing up). I worked hard and earned everything I have without any help from anyone ever (including my WH). I have been a faithful, loyal, and devoted wife and mother. I didn't deserve this.

WH is now being wonderful. It would be so much easier if he was still being a selfish jerk like he has during our entire marriage. I would just divorce him without a second thought if he were.

We are trying to R, but the problem is that I just don't know if I love him anymore. He is trying to rekindle that love, but I don't know if that's even possible.

WH has had 4 other affairs. He even has an OC with OW#1 that is the same age as our daughter (3 months apart). Even so, the one with my sister is the one that hurts the most.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 257 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, April 14th (Monday)

(((Furious1))) I am so sorry for the pain that you've endured. Your sister? That is so despicable. I can't imagine dealing with this level of betrayal.


We are trying to R, but the problem is that I just don't know if I love him anymore.

This is totally understandable. For many the affairs and the betrayal are truly a dealbreaker. My XWH wasn't interested in R, but I really doubt that I could've done it. I think it would've been a dealbreaker for me.

Wishing you the best as you navigate this.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7778 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

Hey there DBies

I just can't get the OW out of my head - I keep wondering what happened 10 months ago that she would throw my friendship out the window ?
the last time they met in the park WH told me that the OW had been talking about how she loved me and my kids , WTF !

It's really been messing with me - that I can now see how false her actions were for those 6 months that the A lasted

I want to know if this happens to you all - and if
Stew about the EXBFF ?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)

I have days where I stew. The AP in our case said in her apology that she had always "adored and admired me." Ha! Jealous of and competitive with me, is more like it. (Mainly jealous of me and my husband's relationship, but also I do for a living what she'd like to do.) But of course, I had no idea. Never thought she was competition, and I let a lot of odd stuff fly because I liked her.

Also, when H told her he loved me, she said, "I love Bionicgal, too!" The very thought of it makes me laugh in amazement.

So yes, I have days. She seems to be trying to cultivate friendships with other friends of mine (for what reason I cannot fathom), so she's just gonna hang around the edges I am afraid until she finds another man to fluff up her tail feathers. I think she is looking for an exit affair, and no doubt she'll find it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:54 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

Furious1--- thank you for sharing your story. I'm also part of this club nobody wants to be part of. Your message of hope & inspiration made me cry this morning. I feel like you when you mentioned that you will not live like you used to. I feel like you read my mind.
Hugs to you

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 17th (Thursday)

I am feeling strong today so just wanted to (virtually) share a little of that extra strength with everyone and to thank you all for sharing your stories. By sharing your pain you are helping so many people feel a little less alone. Hugs.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2014
Freebygrace
Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 20th (Sunday)

Veronique,
I feel just like you. Everything you wrote describes my feelings exactly. My WH is being nice now. I couldn't ask for more. But how can I get past the fact that he plotted and planned against me?

I am particularly stuck on the fact that he allowed her into the delivery room while I was having our baby. I thought she was my true blue friend so I wanted her there, but he knew that she was really tricking me. Why didn't he tell her to back off? Why didn't he protect me?

The OW in my case also was set on stealing my WH. She did everything to lure him away. She bought him alcohol that I had driven her to buy. I thought she just wanted a little booze to ease the pain of her own divorce, but no she wanted to lower his inhibitions so she could steal him. I'm SO stupid.

My Wh also says he was angry at me, and the OW confirmed that she felt that he was just trying to " pay me back". For what I am not sure. He had bought a motorcycle without discussing it with me, and I was upset about it. So, because I got upset, I deserved to be cheated on?

I don't know how to get past it. It's been 14 years and it just keeps popping back up.

I feel like I am getting closer and closer to divorce. I think the only way to get over it is to end the relationship. I'm just so sad I've wasted so much of my life trying to heal from this, and I just can't heal.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 107 | Registered: Feb 2014
chefwifie
New Member
Member # 43187
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

I have no one to talk to anymore. =( The OW was my supposed best friend. I don't make friends that easily -- or rather, I don't trust people easily. Now I have no one to talk to about all my hurt inside.

My WH asks me why I cry over her when he talks what his book is saying. He says I have to deal with a double betrayal. And then I started to cry. He didn't understand why I cried. He knows that I was starting to have a few worries about her and some patterns I was beginning to notice. He doesn't understand why I would be upset when I thought she was using people -- maybe me included.

But she was my friend before all of this. I only had her that I could cry to. I cried to her about my WH. I cried to her and told her all I wanted was for him to want me/appreciate me and I didn't believe he did. I don't know how she could stand to call herself my friend and let me cry to her while she was sleeping with my WH.

This hurts. =(

[This message edited by chefwifie at 10:07 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]


me: 34 (madhatter ea:2007, I broke it off)
wh: 38 (SelfishHusband: ea: 2013, pa: 2013-2014:double betrayal, I discovered both)
dd#1: February 1, 2013
dd#2: April 17, 2014
incredible, sensitive, smart, and beautiful boy: 10

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

I'm sorry. I know what you're going through. The 2xB situation is so incredibly painful because not only are you betrayed, but you are also robbed of a vital part of your normal support system.

It. truly. fucking. sucks.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, April 26th (Saturday)

(((chefwifie)))

It really does suck. Something that helped me was finding a DivorceCare group. I was able to talk to people in real life about what I was going through. Like SI, there is no judgment there.

I had a double-betrayal related trigger tonight that left me in tears. It was unexpected and painful. My DD was looking for some old pictures, and she couldn't find any of the older files on the computer, so I sat down to find the oldest pictures. Well, we started looking through them, and I found myself overwhelmed with feelings of loss and grief.

Seeing the smiling faces, the happy times, celebrations, vacations....everything he so willingly threw away. It was emotional. Adding to the pain is the fact that OW and her family is in so many of the pictures.

It wasn't always happy, happy, and thinking of the not-so-great times toward the end helped get me out of the funk tonight. Well, that and the wise-counsel of an SI friend.

Hugs to you all.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7778 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Woundedby2--- I too have photo albums full of pics with the OW and her kids. I've destroyed most of them but that includes pics that my kids were in. It's so painful that so many memories are tainted by her. How could a woman want another woman's husband? She wanted my husband to leave us for her? How could I not see the evil in her? I feel so stupid & blind.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I'm in the same boat as a lot of you. Photo albums, wedding pictures, etc., all tainted because of the OM and of course, my wife.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
HoldingTogether
Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I actually had our wedding album taken back to our original photographer(coincidentally the same photographer OM and his BS had used for their wedding. Not germane to this story but an interesting little factoid none the less) to have him excise all traces of OM and his BS from the album.

Wasn't easy since that fucktard was one of my groomsmen. Took some pretty creative photoshop work and we lost a few pictures entirely. Still though it was worth every damn penny to have it done. Just knowing that his pictures were in there had me right on the edge of throwing my wedding album on a fucking bonfire.

He's gone from it now thankfully, but I still haven't really looked through that album since the thorough inspection I gave it when it came back from the photographer....

So clearly it was only partially effective. Wouldn't really say it made the whole thing a distant memory for me or anything. Still glad I did it. One of these days I hope to be able to look through that album and not feel pangs of anger and humiliation. Knowing he isn't in there should certainly help with that.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 376 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

One of these days I hope to be able to look through that album and not feel pangs of anger and humiliation.
This. One of the little 'extras' of the 2xB situation is a healthy dose of humiliation that comes along with having intertwined social circles, shared history, etc....it makes the 'mental NC' aspect of the affair 1000x more difficult, because not only are there constant reminders everywhere...but when you suddenly stop having a relationship with someone you previously were close with...people notice.

And ask how that person is doing.
And ask questions.
And whisper.
And eventually draw their own conclusions.
And wonder aloud "How did this happen right under their nose? How didn't they know? *I* would know."

I hatehatehate the fact that plenty of great memories feel 'tainted' by his presence.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1911 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

Ascendent---- yes! I've gone through the same thing... People asking me how OW is doing...
So humiliating... So shameful...
In my case there were rumors that something was going on between my WH & OW. I asked my husband but in the back of my mind that was so ridiculous! Why would he be with her???? OMG.... It's too much sometimes. So many memories shared and now tainted.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, May 4th (Sunday)

I finally told two of my friends about the A. One was stunned, and the other, when I revealed who the OW was, looked crestfallen, then shook her head, covered her mouth with her hand, and said "I knew it." Both have been magnificently supportive and sweet and wonderful and I owe another round of thanks to everyone here who told me I would feel better knowing I had someone to talk to. I do. The cat may leap out of the bag altogether one of these days in some way over which I have no control, but I'm not so afraid of it now.

I made so many decisions (or avoided making them) based on what I thought WH's reaction would be, what effect they would have on him. Knowing he was making so many decisions without any thought to their impact on my life has been pretty painful. I'm beginning to see now just how detrimental it is to live your life at either extreme. I have bad days (yesterday was one: OW broke NC. Screw you, you needy, backstabbing bitch!), but on the good days I can take advantage of the opportunity I have to build a strong, honest marriage and I am determined not to waste it.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
isthismynewlife
New Member
Member # 43292
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 5th (Monday)

My husband had a 16 month EA/4 month PA with my friend/neighbor who lives directly across the street. We've been close friends for over 6 years, our families doing so much together (both families have 3 kids) even vacationing together. WH and OW are both in education and have holidays and summers off. They spent lots of time together with all the kids and that is where this all started. She started sharing her marital problems (our husbands were also friends)and her pill/alcohol issue with my WH. Asked him not to tell me because she was too embarrassed (big red flag for most people, but not my H). It progressed from there until the L word dropped 8 months later. To be able to spend more time together the two of them kept planning all these great things to do together with our families. So many memories of what were good times are now ruined for me. I found out on Thanksgiving when I looked at his text messages. I confronted him immediately (he was at her house hanging out and watching football with OBS). That he would betray me this way, and she (who I thought was my friend and had talked to her about how my H was pulling away from me)did too is still so hard to believe. I have to see her on a daily basis as she is right across the street. I,of course, received the TT, and finally (due to my snooping in his email) found out that it was a PA 2 weeks after the initial DDay. OBS is aware of the EA but not the PA. I have come a long way since DDay, the sight of her no longer brings on panic attacks and i have managed a couple of conversations (one was just to confirm details my H gave me). There has been NC since Dec 7 between the two of them. WH took a couple months to come out of the fog, but he is now working so hard to help me. I am in IC, but due to a bad experience as a child he will not attend any MC or IC. Each day is a new experience, and I never know where I'll be. I will have some good days, but the bad still out number the good. Some days I just hope for a few good hours. Reading everyone's story on here has been really helpful. I have only told one friend (who had been thru a similar thing and managed to R) and have truly felt so alone. I can't tell my family - they would never be able to get past it if we are successful in R. It is so nice to have a safe place to tell my story.


Me 42 BS
Him 42 WS
OW Long time family friend
Married 16 years, together 21
DDay 11/28/13
Working on R

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

(((Isthismynewlife)))
Sorry you find yourself here - our stories are similar. We were also friends with them around 6 years, but close really only the last 2. It has been almost 11 months since dday, and we are right in the middle of affair season. It stinks, but we are getting better every day. In my H's case the A was only 2 months, but my understanding is that they usually go on about 2 years.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. It is tricky and painful when there are kids, and friends, involved. I particularly miss the OBS, and worry for him, as I think the AP is somewhat unremorseful from what I have seen. (She feels bad about it, but in a self-serving way.)

I am so sorry you are right across the street. . we live a few blocks away and that even feels too close!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

We never sat down and did an official NC letter. WH cut off all contact with (XF)OW on Dday, "unfriending" her, removing her from his contact lists, blocking her # on his phone. That seemed to do the trick, but she has contacted him (and forwarded me the e-mail with an additional note just for lucky me) and e-mailed me directly twice this month. She wants an apology from WH, since she feels she was manipulated and used.

HAHAHAHAHA. Like I am going to suggest to him that he apologize to her, a willing AP. Nope. She also claims she has tried writing a sufficient apology to me, but nothing seems right. No shit.

Do we now, 2 1/2 months out, send a letter? We both feel like any kind of response to her contact would open the door for her to respond again, and it seriously takes me a week minimum to stop walking around in a haze of fury every time I hear from her.
Also, the only e-mail address I have for the OBH is his work e-mail, or I would have forwarded all the e-mails to be sure he knew she had contacted us. It felt inappropriate to send them to his work e-mail. I could text him to ask if he knows, but is that just picking at scabs? How fucked up is it that I feel like a tattle-tale?
I think maybe I know the answer, that I would want to know from him if WH had made contact, but I'm still torn. OBH is not a super rational person. Let your wisdom rain down upon me, SI gurus.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 24th (Saturday)

If she hasbeen cut off , just leave her be.

I recently ended up having contact with the AP and it set me back weeks !


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, May 25th (Sunday)

Thanks, littleflower. I feel like I keep asking the same sort of question (in slightly different context) over and over. One more vote for leaving it alone is all I need.
I'm sorry about your recent contact. OW has pretty much been hiding out since Dday, so the face to face hasn't happened yet for me even though we live in a small town. My heart goes out to those who have to see these people on a regular basis. Ugh.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, May 26th (Monday)

one thing I did get from contact with the OW was that , yes , she truly is a nut bar .
Hope the OW stays in hiding for you , or even better, she moves away ! :)


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014
MakingMyFuture
Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 26th (Monday)

Re: making contact, outside of informing her husband I initially made no contact (they are temporarily out of US but with the long term goal of moving back). When I found out 5 months after D-day that 2 months earlier they had talked on the phone a few times (so my WH could apologize for ruining her life (WTF?!?) and commiserate on how difficult the BS's were making things for them I had HAD IT! I set up a temp email account and emailed her with a cc to ABH explaining how she had betrayed me and making it clear that if she had any contact or I even heard in the future that she was in the same county I would publish the nasty photos and videos of her masturbating so any woman she comes into contact with in the future will know exactly what kind of friend she is.

I took the high road and left out the part about her being a nasty whore and the only reason I didn't go 'Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' on her and get it permanently inked on her forehead was out of respect for her BH and children...something she is clearly lacking.

Then I deleted the account. I felt much better and re-reading that email still gives me comfort. There is nothing to be gained from confronting directly as no apology will suffice and it would just give AP an oppty to hurt you more...something they have already shown they are capable of doing.


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou
BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
Together 15 years, Married 11
2 kids (10 & 8)
D-Day: 1/12/2013
R- unless another bomb is dropped

Posts: 82 | Registered: May 2014
OneFootFirst
New Member
Member # 42894
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, June 8th (Sunday)

MMF, aren't BSes just the WORST? Making things difficult indeed. Ppthht.

WH butt-dialed OW twice yesterday before he realized what had happened (he has her # in his phone so he can block her calls). She's since been buried at the end of his contacts list to avoid a repeat, but I bet that threw her whole weekend off.

lf, I would say "you have no idea how happy I'd be if she moved," but I think you probably have a very good idea!

Thanks to all once again for being awesome. Been feeling pretty isolated lately despite being very busy. It helps to check in here and be reminded what a good support system this is.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Hoping R is possible.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 12th (Thursday)

My H made the NC phone call to end it with OW without me being there, which caused some friction to say the least. After that call, she tried to contact my H at least 1/month for 4 months. We discussed that he should not respond at all to her, b/c I was afraid that any response would open a can of worms. But finally, after her last attempt, I couldn't take it anymore. Who the hell did this person think she was? I needed her to go the eff away and she needed to know that. We wrote up an NC text together, sent by him, which was much more direct and harsher than his phone call to her. That seems to have done the trick.

For your situation, my vote is that if she sends another note to you or WH, respond and tell her that if you hear from her ever again, you're forwarding the emails directly to her BH. Who cares if you seem like a tattle tale (which you don't)? She doesn't want to go quietly, but she needs to for you to heal. Do what is right for you.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2014
isthismynewlife
New Member
Member # 43292
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

Odd part of the double betrayal for me - at times I tend to forget she's not my friend anymore. Just little stuff like a rep I deal with gave me a bottle of wine. WH isn't a wine drinker and every other time I've been given wine I'd call my former friend and we'd get together and share it. So when it happened recently my brain automatically went to "oh I'll call *bitch* and we can share it". Then came the hell no reaction, then anger at my WH for choosing my friend of all the freakin people in the world to F*** around with, then the hurt. I can't wait until I'm far enough out that the first "friend" I think about in a happy situation is not her! This happen to anyone else? So frustrating.


Me 42 BS
Him 42 WS
OW Long time family friend
Married 16 years, together 21
DDay 11/28/13
Working on R

Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 18th (Friday)

My WW affair #1 was a Double. With a good friend and x-family member by marraige.

It was so sick and twisted, only Satan himself (not his henchmen) could have conceived and carried out this most horrible and gross affair.

hold on...

Sorry about that, the thought 13 years later is truly disgusting.

Thank God for his Grace in surviving that without taking my own life to escape the madness.


WW (42) BH (44), DS, DD
In a false R....NC not honored.

Posts: 143 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southern California (LA area)
Topic Posts: 129