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Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I posted this in my other thread "please help" but wanted to open this up a bit more and get as much feedback as I can. I need to understand why he is acting as he is. I need your strength.
He basically lied and cheated on me a week ago. He has his own house but lived with me. His electric was shut off due to him never paying his bills. He is extremely impulsive. If he wants a $300 dinner we get one even if that means his truck will get repossesed. He has shown NO REMORSE for cheating and has denied what I KNOW FOR SURE he did. This is a pattern. I threw him out. I am trying to keep it that way. You can find out about what happened last night if you read my other thread.

I do not disagree with the feedback I have gotten here. Athough I find myself doubting my thoughts, feelings and my perspective. I need strength to believe in my experience. I did not realize just how much he was manipulating me or how I got here? I need to continue to hear that he is toxic. I need to hear that he is being cruel. I need to hear that something is very wrong with him. I guess I need to hear it multiple times for me to believe it cause I flip from believing it to not. For some reason, I "forget" or think I can fix him or help him or that I am being unreasonable. I often feel that I am overreacting. I don't trust my own judgement or feelings right now so I need to rely on you for my voice of reason right now. I need your strength.
If you have a minute and want to read the need help thread that I posted last night you will have more information about my situation.
Basically he is texting me like nothing happened. And last night he was texting me asking me to CUM over to his house and was texting me very vulgar sexual things.... I asked how he could cheat and know how much I am hurting and not acknowledge it and he just said do you want to get fucked? And went on to send me very very detailed things of what he wanted to do to me and that I would never leave him because he is so good in bed.... he treated me like I am nothing but a whore to him and it hurt like hell.

Even with everything that happened last night, I feel like I overreacted and that is just the way he is and doesn't know how to express himself and he must be hurting and I am trying to find excuses for his behavior. I know this is crazy. Maybe I am?


I keep wanting to believe that he is someone who he clearly isn't. I remember the love and kindness part of him and I am then blinded to the cruel side of him. Although he isn't cruel. he has never put me down or said hurtful things to me - he just detaches. I guess even though he has never put me down or said anything bad to me - it is cruel when he talks about wanting a whore or when he talks about how hot the bartenders ass is or the girl in front of us in line at the grocery store. He would go on and on about her hot ass. It became so regular that I didn't even flinch. i would just roll my eyes and tell him to shut up and he would laugh. I guess that is cruel but that was just how he was so it became a non issue. I always thought he would say it to get me going - I don't know? It got old but after a while, it didn't bother me.
I do at times feel like I will be okay and that I can stay away from him but then it dissolves when I get a text from him asking me to bring a heating pad to him or some other stupid text message that totally disregards that he has hurt me. it is like we aren't even living the same life when he does this. I caught him cheating and he is acting like nothing happened. It is such a mind fuck?
I don't know why I am surprised. He has done this to me every time. He has never once acknowledged me or my feelings when he hurts me.

I do think he has something mentally wrong. I have always kind of thought that but for some reason, I overlooked it.
Someone asked about his anger. He has NEVER raised his voice to me EVER. He has NEVER shown anger to me EVER. I know this is abnormal. I could be screaming and yelling and he is completely calm and detached. Just says calmly with no emotion - I did not lie to you. I did not cheat on you and then he simply walks away and then texts me as nothing has happened. If I don't let it go then he will disappear until I am willing to forget it. I could be crying my eyes out and he once again, NO EMOTION. Just says that he has never hurt me and never would. It makes me feel crazy. I have literally caught him in the act and there is NO disputing that he has lied and he can SWEAR to me that it isn't true. And then I even begin to doubt what I know is truth. If I continue to cry or act mad at him, he simply leaves. He will NOT tolerate me acting in any way but happy and loving towards him. but never with anger. he will just walk away and text me like nothing has occurred.
I did treat him like he was GOD but he never made me do it and was SO APPRECIATIVE of everything I did. It never went unnoticed. He would thank me over and over for how good I was to him. I cooked a homemade meal every night for him after working 10 hours at my own job and took it to him at work every night at 9pm. I then waited up for him so we could spend time together when he got home from work at midnight and I had to get up at 6am. I washed his clothes. I waited on him hand and foot. I did anything he wanted to do sexually and socially - ANYTHING. If he wanted to stay home, we would. If he wanted to party till 3am and I had to work, I would do that to. Whatever he wanted he got. I never saw my friends and did ANYTHING without him. He never told me I couldn't. He would encourage me to go out but I never did. But he would say over and over how he was cheated on before and would die if I ever cheated and that he needed a good girl. I guess I wanted to be a "good girl" for him so I never gave him reason to worry if I was cheating so I rarely left the house when he wasn't home. Unless I was grocery shopping or doing laundry. But if I did, he would say great baby, have fun. He would text me and ask if I was having fun. Or what we all did but he never made me feel like he didn't approve. So once again, he didn't make me stay home but I did. We spent all of our time together. We very RARELY spent any time apart other than when we both worked. If he was with his friends, he would want me with him. We did EVERYTHING together. He would even want me to go hunting with him. So I was lavished with his intense attention for weeks or months and then that day would always come. It would all just stop. No text messages. No calls and he would disappear for a day/night. And then we would resume as nothing happened. And I always knew it was coming. He usually texts me every hour all day saying he was thinking about me. Or that he couldn't wait to get home and cuddle with me. Or that he just wanted to be with me. And then it would just stop. No word from him other than I have to work late. I will see you later. that was so HARD to deal with. And I DREADED when I saw the signs that he was disappearing. It hurt me so much and I used to break up with him over it when we first started dating but now I would just accept it. But early in the relationship he would just not show up and not call for 4 days and for the past year he has at least said I have to work late and prepped me for his disappearing act. I thought this was a big improvement and that at least he warned me when he would disappear.
Back to the anger. While I have never seen him angry at me. He has been arrested many times for fighting. I have seen him pick fights with other men at the bar when he is drunk. He will buy the whole bar drinks all night and loves everyone to fawn over him. but then if someone he was buying drinks for plays music that he doesn't like - he will tell them they cannot play that kind of music cause it sucks and if they don't listen to him, he will literally start degrading them and get up in their face and LAUGH and threaten them. I usually can get him out of the bar before a fight breaks out but I know he has been in some really bad fights where he has seriously injured people. He will rant and rave for hours when we get home about how he wants to kill this guy. And then he will move on to how much he loves and adores me. He will say that even though he may not say he loves me often (he has NEVER said he loves me when he isnt drinking) that he does and that I am the person he has waited for forever. He says if I hurt him that he would GO CRAZY - not sure what he would do. He will often pull me to the floor like he is playing and say do you know how much I love you and hold me down and bite me or twist my arm. He will ask me over and over do you love me? And he will bite me and get rough in a sexual playful way. I would often wake up covered in bruises after we had sex when he was drinking. He would bite me all over my body, twist my arm, pull my hair and I would have finger bruises all over my thighs and my arms. I once woke up a few weeks ago with 33 bruises. Thankfully it is colder and I could wear clothes to cover my legs, neck and arms to hide it at work. He would always squeeze my inner thigh when we were out and I had a permanent bruise there for almost 2 months because he did it so often. It was HUGE and yellow and really pretty bad. But that is how he showed me when we were out with people that he wanted me. It was like he had to pinch me or bite me or something to show how much he loved me. He would give me that look like I love you more than anything at the grocery store or the bar or home and would grab my ass so hard it would leave a bruise and kiss me. I honestly never saw that as a problem as he wasn't doing this in anger. It was always playful. And he would be saying how much he loved me when he did it. And it was just how we were so I never thought to much about it until lately. I am not sure if this is normal? Maybe I am overreacting as each couple have different ways of showing love.
Well I didn't mean to go on and on but it just started pouring out of me. I am so confused by his behavior. His need and want to be with me 24/7 and then disappearing/cheating/lying and then back like he never left. He won't acknowledge he has hurt me. It is like we are living in different worlds. It is strange. I have never really looked at these things as issues or abuse and many are mentioning that he is abusive and that he has npd. I don't even know what to think yet I know something is very wrong with him. I am probably not making sense but I just need to hear that I need to STAY AWAY from him. I feel stupid and weak but I want this to end so I guess I have to swallow my pride and reach out for help.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Ambermoon....just from reading this post, my automatic thought was...part of the problem is he is a binge alcoholic and you are a codependant spouse. This man also has some serious mental health issues and possibly a personality disorder.

Detachment the way he does it IS a form of abuse, it is emotional abuse. He has manipulated you into isolating yourself. You say that he has never raised his hands to you, but you talk about bruises inflicted in the name of love. Sweety....very gently....you are an abused wife both emotionally and physically. He is controlling you wether you see it or not. From your post and the way it gives background and history, this can and will only get worse. When is enough enough? The first time he does hit you with his fist. Many abusive spouses tell their loved one that they are only hitting them because they love them and wouldn't do it if they didn't love them so much.

Please, please, stay away from him. This behaviour IS NOT normal. This IS NOT how someone says I love you. If you do return, which I pray you don't, document bruises etc so that if this does escalate you have documentation for a restraining order.

Find a good IC and tell this story and see what the response is. I am sure it will be exactly what I am saying. If you can not afford an IC try and find a community clinic or try an abused woman's support group. Also I have to recommend a wonderful book called "Co-Dependant No More". I am sure that you will find it helpful.

Please remember you CAN NOT fix another person....ever!

Keep posting here for support and so that we know that you are doing ok. ((((Hugs))))


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.


STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

I second what gonnabe said


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Thank you Emotional Girl so much for reaching out to me. I feel that I am asking too much of all of you and I keep posting like a crazy person but I am just in so much pain.
I have some major personal financial things going on that need my attention and my phone is ringing off the hook from bill collectors, my job is very demanding and my son is going through some major issues and needs me and my car needs a repair that I cannot afford and we don't have any food in the house because I am broke. I need to focus on these other things but I feel like I am drowning.

I guess I never thought of abuse that way. I just picture someone in a rage and beating you up and calling you names.
When I read what I wrote it is VERY OBVIOUS that this is a very unhealthy relationship and that he is not stable. That I am not stable. And it is very clear that I need to stay away from him and I wonder how all of that could have turned so normal day to day that I didn't even see what was happening?
Well, I am going to try to get a grip on my emotions so I can focus on all of these other things that desperately need my attention. I feel like I have to reread all of the messages every 10 minutes to remind myself that I have to stay away from him. I actually at times think I will just forget it all so he can come back home and I don't have to feel this way. I won't have to worry about money. I won't have to face this pain. I can just go back to living the lie with him and kick him out when everything else in my life isn't falling apart. But I know this would be the worst thing I could do. So I will keep reading the advice of all of you wonderful people here to keep me strong. Thank you.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

If you say it enough GonnaBe I am going to start believing it...
Thank you for your continued support.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
worried_lady
Member
Member # 27605
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Listen to emotionalgairl and gonnabe2016


Study some of the Personality Disorders with a huge dose of mental issues and that might answer some of your questions. There is no way for a normal person to understand some of these actions. We can't. You will go crazy if you try. Get out and save yourself!!


Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.

Posts: 461 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Texas
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

My guess would be that if you really look at your finances, he is taking more than he is giving. Put yourself on a budget and focus on yourself and your son.

You can do this!


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Amber, google 'Stockholm Syndrome'. It is named for a true incident that happened in Sweden where bank robbers held hostages in a bank for six days and after a few days some of the victims actually began to feel sympathy and a closeness to the kidnappers. It sounds like he's holding you emotionally hostage.

How long have you known him? Are you engaged to him? I didn't find anything in your profile. If you've been with him for a while you may have become numb to his antics. Like you know he's doing all sorts of wrong...cheating, lying, denying, making sexual comments about other women in your presence...but then he does something nice and tells you how much he adores you and BAM, he sucks you back into his sick drama.

You say he's emotionless and unable to relate to your pain in any way so I suggest you google NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and Passive/Aggressive Personality, it sounds like he's got a lot of traits of these disorders.

I hope you will find some answers to help you decide what to do from here. Best of luck.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9730 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
1devastedmom
Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)

Oh my heart aches for you. Please leave this man. Something is wrong with him. He will never get better. Leave while you are young and have no children. Please I beg you.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 138 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

There''s an old saying that if you plop a frog into hot water, he''ll jump out so fast that he''ll leave a green streak in the air. But, if you put him into some cool water and slowly heat it up, he''ll get accustomed to it and eventually, you can serve frog legs.

This is what he''s doing to you. It''s call desensitization. This type of training can be very valuable. It''s how you get abused animals (and people) to slowly learn to trust again, to be less reactive to phobias, to get over PTSD.

He, however, is doing the opposite to you. You can also train an animal or a person to expect abuse, mental or physical or a mixture of the two (which is what is happening to you). You can slowly train them that this is normal and expected and to not bat an eye at, say, you constantly referring to other women in sexual terms that initially caused you to protest. You can condition them to think that leaving bruses all over your body and forcably holding you down is "wrestling" and is a sign of love. You can condition them to think that if they ever leave the house without you, they are doing something wrong. You can condition them to fawn all over you and slavishly cater to your every desire. You can condition them to think that this is "normal."

This is what this very sick man is doing to you. And it will not stop until you get him completely out of your life.

I have a small challenge for you. Completely anynomous. Call your local battered woman''s hotline. Here''s the national domestic violance hotline''s number: 1-800-799-7233. Read them what you''ve written and ask them what they think. I belive that you''ll get your answer. Ask them for advice.

Keep writing here. Keep reading here. Cut this man out of your life. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Skan, That was perfectly explained and in a way that really made me have a AHA moment. Thank you.

I am starting to see the truth. As I reflect on our relationship, I do see so many things that were not acceptable to me in the beginning that are now normal. It is crazy how this could have happened... so slowly that I didn't even notice.
And I am slowly starting to see that I need to let go.....I need to walk away and never look back. I had a good day today. I got alot done that has been neglected since I found out. I feel a little more in control of myself and my life.

OMG - he literally just texted me. And I feel every ounce of what I just said GONE. And what do I want to do? Text him back. Call him. See him.
I cannot stand this. Why are my feelings still so strong for him when I now know everything that I do? This is crazy. I am stupid.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

You're the figurative frog in the water.
Unfortunately, the frog has no control over the increasing temperature of the water.
So what does the frog have to do?


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Look. When I take an abused animal, I may sit for hours with it, totally ignoring it, until it relaxes in some small way and I can then toss it a piece of chicken and leave. The next day, I''m going to have to spend the same set of hours with it until it relaxes in some small way (and it might be as simple as it drops its head for a moment while standing rigidly still), treat, and leave. Days on end. Until one day, I sit down and it relaxes and I treat it.

Mind you, when I stand up to leave, the dog tenses up again. It''s taken me days to get one, very small step forward. And only by doing absolutely everything right.

Say I''m sitting and, as the dog is thinking about relaxing, someone calls looking for me and, unthinking, I holler back IN HERE! Frightened the dog Gonna have to essentially start all over again.

Your mind is having an Ah Ha moment. That''s great. That''s progress. That''s something that you can hold on to. But when he texts/calls you, all of the "behaviors" that he has instilled into you are going to flash back. Just as if I had hollered around that poor abused dog.

(As a sidenote, I''m not comparing you to a dog, you know. But we''ve all seen these studies and are familiar with them.)

This is why you must cut off all communication with this man. Block him. Go to the police station and show them your bruises if you still have them and see about getting a RO. Go complete NC with your abuser. Get yourself some counseling so you have a fighting chance to never be in this place again. Work on YOURSELF. Wean yourself away from him cold turkey. Consider him a dangerous animal that is seeking to kill you, body and soul, and treat him as such. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I know i am the frog and that I should be leaping from the pot.

I told him I would meet him somewhere if he was willing to talk - tell me the truth and how he could have done this to me.
He has not replied. I guess that isn't what he had in mind.....
I want to meet him and look my BEST and make him tell me he is sorry and tell me truth and then WALK AWAY from him.
I should just shut my phone off and forget this game. I am so mad at myself. He knows he has me where he wants me and I just keep allowing this to happen.
I am sorry if you all feel like I am wasting your time.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I want to meet him and look my BEST and make him tell me he is sorry and tell me truth and then WALK AWAY from him.

You refer to "him/he" 4 times in that sentence.
You refer to "me/I" only 3 times (and all in relation to him).
Do you see a balance problem here with your needs?
Your needs are NOT dependent on him.
As long as they are, he is calling the shots.
I can understand that you may want the above. But you need to stay away from someone who is hurting you.
Detach and don't interact and give him an opening. Doing so would be like cutting up your arm and walking through the ebola factory.
Take control.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Once again that makes sense why I have such a strong reaction to hearing from him. I am starting to understand.
My cell company doesn't offer blocked numbers. I checked and I won't go to police for bruises that were inflicted during sex that I consented to.

I am SO MAD at myself for telling him I would meet him to talk. He texted me 3 times asking to see me. I responded with the above and he just replied and said sorry I am at my parents house so can't hang out. UGH I AM SO PISSED OFF AT MYSELF. I AM SO PISSED AT HIM. I HATE THAT I AM SO WEAK WITH HIM. HE IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. WHEN WILL I LEARN?
I JUMP FOR HIM EVERY DAMN TIME. HE EXPECTS ME TO JUST FORGET EVERYTHING AND PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF. I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE. I AM SO MAD THAT I TOLD HIM I WOULD SEE HIM AND THEN HE SAYS NO.

WTF????????????????????


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
SerJR
Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

WTF indeed.
Did you know that anger can actually be a good thing?
It is your subconscious telling you that something is very, very wrong with this situation.
What do you think it is?
Anger also provides very intense energy - but you can control that and focus it to propel you forward.
What can you do to take just one little step out of this?


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I feel like I am back to square one. I am SO UPSET WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
Why didn't I ignore his text messages. Today was my best day since this all happened. I actually smiled a few times. I could listen to the radio without bawling my eyes out. I showered. I got out of bed. I felt hope.
And every time I give in to him, I lose hope that I will have the strength to really walk away from him. I am losing self esteem and self respect and I feel weak and foolish.
I cannot believe I agreed to meet him and then him to say NO after he begged me to see him.
OMG I cannot stand this.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Ambermoon...do not beat yourself up. Think of it like a diet! I am always on a diet trying to loose a few pounds. What I have learnt in the past few months from my IC is that even if you slip and have a bad meal or even a bad day you just pick yourself up and you don't throw away the whole diet. The same applies here, you had a bad moment and answered his text. What do you do now? You pick yourself up and go back to not answering his texts!

I considered recommending that you change your phone number, but my concern is that he would then start showing up at your house. I don't think this guy is going to leave your life easily. I fear that if you ignore him for long enough, and he does show up and you reject him he will get really angry and hurt you. My advice stay strong...ignore those texts, that will give you the strength you need if he does show up to turn him away without letting him into your home again.

You have taken the first steps to freeing yourself from a very unhealthy and in my opinion, abusive relationship. Stay strong! Anytime you want to respond to his texts come here and post instead, there is always someone around to talk you out of it! (((Hugs)))


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Well I have been talking to him for past 3 hours. He just kept texting me and I finally relied. He is denying everything. He kept asking why I didn't want him anymore. I told him why and he just kept swearing that he never cheated and why would he and kept saying he wanted me. I asked sexually or back in my life. He said both. I am not sure what to think. I know cheating is just one issue but I'm so confused. I told him that when he is rough with me that it is abusive. He said I never asked him to stop so how is that his fault?
I don't feel any better after talking to him. I'm more confused then ever. Would he go to this length to just have sex with me? He didn't apologize. He said he didn't betray me so there is nothing to apologize for. He said he loves to have sex with me so why wouldn't he ask me for that and he thought I did too. He implied that he assumed that if I had come over for sex that we would get back together. He said I normally love it when he talks dirty to me but now I don't. Ugh.... round and round.
My son even said that maybe he is telling me the truth because he said he can tell he loves me. Ugh.
I am so scared and confused.
He just stopped texting me and I'm assuming he fell asleep. Nothing was decided. But I think he thinks that we are back on. Or maybe he realized it was too much work to bother.
I don't know what I'm going to do.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

I don't know what I'm going to do.

You've been given some REALLY GOOD advice here. Gently...you are sending out mixed messages to him. Somehow, there is a payoff to you, with the repeated contact that you reinforce by responding to him.

More gently, nothing good will come of this unless and until you get some serious help for yourself to keep you safe. (((Ambermoon)))

[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:01 AM, November 7th (Thursday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

NC, is all I can say. I know it is difficult and it took me several weeks before I was able to do it and only when the pain got to be too much. I changed my phone numbers and blocked his emails. Only then, was I able to start to get out of the insanity. Focus on yourself, doing the things that will help you heal. If you have access to a therapist, do it. Read the healing library. Post here and know that you will get through this. Hot baths, talk to friends, get a massage, whatever it takes. The crazies will stop when you start to disengage. I know how hard it is, it took me a long time to get it. It is so hard to realize that the man that you loved with all yor heart is this horrible monster. I still don't get it. I still don't understand how he could just toss my love away. But, he did. He is a narcissist and the more I read about it and understand it, I understand that the affair had NOTHING to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with him. He's damaged.

This sucks and you are walking through hell. I know. But every time I feel sucked into remembering how it was, how much I loved him, I remember who he really is right now and that I do NOT want a husband who lies, deceives and cheats on me. I deserve so much more. So do you.

You will uncover an inner strength that will carry you through.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

If you pay close attention you'll see what he's doing. By getting you off on the tangent of talking about loving having sex with you he avoids the real issue. The cheating and disrespect for you or your feelings or needs. .

He keeps telling you what you love and what you think. And that's why you're so confused. You said something you should repeat to yourself over and over. "I don't feel any better talking to him". Remember that. And ask yourself why you would continue to talk to him if it doesn't make you feel good. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship other than feeling loved because he loves having sex.

Yes, this guy will go this far to have sex with you. When I left a relationship exactly like this, after repeatedly getting sucked back in my him, he went completely off the rails trying to win the sex back. Note. I didn't say win me back. This was not about me. It was about his gratification and that was all that mattered. And his idea of great sex was abusive aggressive sex which I was slowly groomed to put up with. Understanding that difference was what made me be able to stick with shutting him out. Even after he would send roses to my office (which I refused) wrote poetry to me in the local paper, left notes on my car, in my house while I was at work and on and on and on. For years. I eventually filed stalking charges.

I genuinely feel horrible for you. I so remember what it was like to be in this kind of relationship. I got into it right after my divorce because my husband left me for his best friend's wife. I had zero self esteem and this guy knew it. I was an easy target and he knew just how to keep me there. By keeping me confused and off balance. Reading your posts is like hitting the replay button for me. I'm praying for you to keep focused and stand firm. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.


Posts: 351 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

This man is dangerous. This man is hurting you. He could also hurt your son to hurt you more. Please let others around you know what is going on. He sounds dangerous and you need other people in real life to watch out for you.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

I was involved with an emotionally abusive man, like you. I never thought of it as abusive, until I started to get help for myself. I went to Alanon which was a lifesaver. It's all about self growth. You can go and say nothing. I got an IC, I refused MC because he would manipulate me. And I read. I felt like I was reading about me, and that the author had somehow peeked into my life. The most helpful books (in no order) were:

Codependent No More
Women That Love too Much
Why Does He do That?

keep posting Ambermoon. We are here for you.

PS..breaking up with someone like your man is harder than a break-up with an emotionally healthy partner. It is like breaking an addiction for the abuse victim.... Please visit the NPD forum on the I can Relate forum on this site.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2688 | Registered: Jan 2010
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Hi Amber, just checking in to see if you're OK?


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

I am wondering as well. I keep watching for a thread with your user ID but haven't seen any.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Thank you for reaching out to me.

We are back together and we are already having issues. I am seeing more each day that this relationship has destroyed my self esteem and my emotional well being. And I think this is triggering some major abandonment issues that I didn't even know I had because I feel paralyzed by fear if I feel he doesn't want me anymore. I feel like even though I am unsure if I want him. I have to know he wants me and is there for me.
He somehow convinced me that he doesn't know who the person was that sent him the half naked picture. He said he has never seen her before or talked to her. He said put the rubber packages in his bed on purpose so I would find them because he was so mad that I broke up with him and that I hurt him so deeply he wanted to hurt me back. He said he only texted me about wanting sex to hurt me. He said that he swears on his son's life that he has never cheated on me. He said why would I cheat? You give me everything I want and need and it is the best sex of my life. I have no desire for anyone but you. He said it is crazy to even think that he could do that to me. He said he loves me and only me. He said that I should know by now that he loves me and that he doesn't know how to handle conflict. I believed him. We made up and had the best night together. He held me close to him all night and told me he loved me about 50 times in his sleep. Kept kissing me on the head and saying you are all I want. I felt so close to him.
I have not yet met his parents and this has been a constant fight. He will tell me I can meet them and then cancel. He said he is ready for me to meet his family the other night and wants a future with him.
I asked him to move back in and he said not yet. I felt like I was going to freak out because he didn't want to move back in yet I wasn't even sure I wanted that. That is why I know it is bringing up abandonment issues for me. Because deep down I really don't want him to live here but I feel like I need him to want to. Make sense? Probably not. I am still trying to figure it out. He has been sleeping over every night but his stuff is not moved in.
So fast forward to today. Tomorrow is his bday and I asked to take him out to breakfast when we wake up tomorrow. he said maybe. thought that was weird. So anyways he texts me tonight that he is coming over after work but has to leave early to go out for breakfast wtih his family for his bday. I asked if I am invited. He said no but he would let me meet them sometime soon. I told him not to bother to come over. He then asked why I was being mean to him? And he kept saying I want to see you tonight. I told him that I feel like a booty call not his girlfriend. He said oh okay whatever and got mad and ignored me all day. Now he is acting like nothing happened and is on his way over. I am furious. I am sick of his little mind games. I asked him how he could totally ignore my feelings and he said I don't know what you are talking about. He said everything is fine. I said no it is not fine. You hurt my feelings and then he ignores me again. Then acts like the conversation never happened. Round and round. It is driving me CRAZY.
He acts like I am completely crazy or something. I feel like maybe I am overreacting. He doesn't want me to go to breakfast.. why am i freaking out? But it just seems like it is disrespectful to me. I feel like he is hiding me. But maybe these are my own insecurities that I am putting on him... this is what I mean. I don't know what to think or believe. I cannot stand this much longer. I should have told him not to come but I said fine. WHY? I have no idea.
I know I sound crazy. I hate this and I don't know what the hell I am really doing. It is like I really didn't want him to come over but I cannot stand the thought of him not here. I know this doesn't make ANY sense at all to feel this way but that is how I feel and it is so confusing to me.
I am afraid that you will all think I am nuts and I am embarrassed to tell you all of this but I just cannot figure him, myself or our relationship out. I am beyond frustrated.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.
he is toxic. he is being cruel. something is very wrong with him.

STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him STAY AWAY from him


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Cycle of abuse = honeymoon phase; tension-building phase; blow-up. Lather, rinse, repeat.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

Hi Ambermoon.

You need help and I am glad you are posting.

This is not normal behavior from both of you. Very gently, and a velvet covered 2X4, you are selling yourself out for a man that treats you like shit on the bottom of his shoe. Why are you doing this to yourself?

You do know this behavior of his won't get better. He completely disrespects you and is probably getting a kick out of controlling you so thoroughly.

Try an experiment. Change the game. Say "No thanks" and walk away for 1 month. Watch what happens, especially within yourself. He will say all kinds of horrible stuff about you
when you step away for month. When it happens say, "I knew he would do that." and then carry on with your experiment.


Pretend he is off on vacation. Get on with your life and start dreaming about what YOU want. Any one can do anything for 1 month right? Try it and see what happens.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2688 | Registered: Jan 2010
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

Hi Amber,

I am going to try and say this as gently as possible, but please seek help.

You have received some amazing advice from the SI community, some of whom have sadly BTDT, however you still find yourself back together with him.

Read and re-read Gonnabe's post.

I also was in a relationship with someone who did not introduce me to his family - turns out he was a very different person around his Mother than what I knew...

We care about you and two of us posted to see if you were OK, because we thought your safety could be compromised. We did not know that instead you were asking him to move in with you. Very gently, please please think about what this is doing to you. This is YOUR life - it is not a rehearsal.

I hope I have not come across to harsh, but we just want you to be OK. Please re-read this whole thread and everything the others are saying.

ETA: Have a read of the first two lines of my signature.

[This message edited by NoAnswers37 at 4:14 AM, November 10th (Sunday)]


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
waiting2see
Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

You asked him how he can ignore your feelings? Maybe he has learned from you that your feelings can be ignored.

I put up with a lot of shit from my XWS. When I look back I am horrified by what I tolerated. In post-D relationships, I have put up with far less but still occasionally what I would consider disrespect. Each time, I have to re-set. Get distance. Re-affirm that I must respect myself to the same extent I expect others to respect me.

To quote the quote "we teach others how to treat us." What have you taught this man? (Using the term "man" very loosely ).

He can cheat on you. (He did). And you will take him back. He can treat you roughly during sex and then convince you that you liked it. He won't move back with you .(does he have another free-ride elsewhere or is he just punishing you and conditioning you?) He won't introduce you to his family? (Maybe he isn't even with them but with someone else? Maybe they might tell you things about him he doesn't want you to know. Maybe you just don't matter enough to him--likely no one does). And you take him back.

What has he learned about you?

I am only analyzing his specific actions bc I know you are still in analysis mode. But the truth is the specifics don't matter. You must do the work, step by step, minute by minute to respect and love your self. Then no one will mistreat you bc you won't be around to take it.

The specifics don't matter. The lesson is simple: love yourself more. But bc it is simple doesn't make it easy. But you can do it. You have to do it. Life is too shirt for this shit.

Hugs


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1932 | Registered: Feb 2007
waiting2see
Member
Member # 13767
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

You asked him how he can ignore your feelings? Maybe he has learned from you that your feelings can be ignored.

I put up with a lot of shit from my XWS. When I look back I am horrified by what I tolerated. In post-D relationships, I have put up with far less but still occasionally what I would consider disrespect. Each time, I have to re-set. Get distance. Re-affirm that I must respect myself to the same extent I expect others to respect me.

To quote the quote "we teach others how to treat us." What have you taught this man? (Using the term "man" very loosely ).

He can cheat on you. (He did). And you will take him back. He can treat you roughly during sex and then convince you that you liked it. He won't move back with you .(does he have another free-ride elsewhere or is he just punishing you and conditioning you?) He won't introduce you to his family? (Maybe he isn't even with them but with someone else? Maybe they might tell you things about him he doesn't want you to know. Maybe you just don't matter enough to him--likely no one does). And you take him back.

What has he learned about you?

I am only analyzing his specific actions bc I know you are still in analysis mode. But the truth is the specifics don't matter. You must do the work, step by step, minute by minute to respect and love your self. Then no one will mistreat you bc you won't be around to take it.

The specifics don't matter. The lesson is simple: love yourself more. But bc it is simple doesn't make it easy. But you can do it. You have to do it. Life is too shirt for this shit.

Hugs


me: BS
him: XWS

Much of your pain is self-chosen. ~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

"It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin." Ray Lamontagne


Posts: 1932 | Registered: Feb 2007
emotionalgirl
Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

Hi ambermoon. I am so glad that you are safe but I admit I am distressed that you have let this man back into your life. None of us here can make you do anything, but we can all pray that you find the strength and insight to leave this situation sooner rather than later.

Wether you can see it or not, you are in a cycle of abuse and abusers do not just suddenly stop abusing! You can not love this man into changing or make him treat you better.

There is a story that tells of a woman who's spouse starts out yelling at her and she forgives him, progressively the abuse gets worse until he is beating her terribly. Everytime she believes his words that it won't happen again and that he has changed. The abuse continues until the last line is "today he killed me". Many abused women believe the abusers when they say it won't happen again, or they didn't mean it. Please consider calling an abused women's hotline, you just need to ask the experts what their take on your story is. I am sure they will say it IS abuse. Like I said before, when is enough enough? The first time he hits you with a closed fist?

Please consider the fact that you could end up pregnant and would be bringing an innocent child into this situation. Also if you were to have a child with this man, you would be tied to him forever.

Please stay safe, and post every so often so that we at least know that you are ok. ((( hugs)))


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

abusers do not just suddenly stop abusing!

Nor are they blatantly abusive 100% of the time.
Removing yourself from an emotionally abusive relationship is extremely difficult. It took me a loooong time to really *get* that my stbx was emotionally abusive.

Emotional abusers are experts at blame-shifting, *crazy-making,* and manipulation.

Knowledge is power, so educate yourself. Read.Read.Read. There are many websites that are geared towards dealing with abusive relationships. Dr. Phil's wife just rolled out another one.

And, for the love of ALL that is holy, pleasepleaseplease do NOT NOT NOT mention this website to him!!!!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

I want to start by thanking all of you for taking the time to reach out to me and continue to support me even though I have let him back in my life. Your support and advice has been life changing because it is opening my eyes to the truth of who this man is and also how lost I have become in this relationship.
I need all of you and SI so much right now.
And I hope that I can get continued support during this transition of becoming free from him.

I never once thought or viewed my relationship as abusive before and now that this seed has been planted my eyes are WIDE OPEN.
I know ultimately that I will have to break up with him and have no contact with him and even though every single person has told me that, I didn't understand why NC was so important until last night.
He did come over last night and it was very interesting to watch things unfold with my new awareness. I deliberately acted a certain way or said things to see how he would act and what he would say. I basically expirmented all night and it was pretty clear that he has been grooming me to behave in a certain way and manipulating me. He does have a way of turning things around and making me feel like I am the one at fault. It is done in a way that is so expertly played that I can see how I never would have seen this before. And I know he has the ability to make me change my mind about what I am even writing here today. So this is why NC is so important.
I do think this will be difficult for me to get away from him. I don't think he will just leave me alone. But I truly don't believe I am in danger.
So I am going to start putting my plan in place as of today. I am flipping between telling him today that I just cannot get past the cheating and that too much trust was lost (and this is true) so I am not going to see him anymore.
My other plan is that I am going to tell him that my work schedule is crazy this week and that I need to go to sleep early and cannot wait up for him to come home at midnight every night and that I don't want him to sleep here. He promised me that he was introducing me to his parents on Wednesday night and I know he will not do this so this will be my out. When he comes up with one of his many excuses I am going to just simply tell him that I am not happy anymore in the relationship and that I think it will be best for us to go our seperate ways.
I am not sure which way to go with ending it?
I know he will not take me serious and continue to text me and call me and try to get me back but I truly do not think he will do anything to hurt me in any way. He will eventually give up and I will just have to stay strong during the transition when he is begging and trying to manipulate me.
I am going to educate myself on abusive relationships because knowledge is power. But I think the most important factor is facing and healing my abandonment issues so I am ready when the fear of him not wanting me kicks in as I know it will.
I also need to remind myself that even though my finances are a mess and I have many things going on in my life that are causing me alot of stress - he is adding to it not making it any better. I don't need him. He is toxic. I must stay away from him.
Thank you for helping me see how destructive this man is and helping me break away. I am sure I will be posting here often looking for strength to see this through. I feel empowered right now and even a little happy because I do feel in my heart that I am done. They aren't just words anymore.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Honey you have made the right decision - so proud of you.

Seems like you really can see him now for what he is, so first step is breaking up with him and then we will all be here for you as you get used to your new independent life without manipulation and abuse. It will be quite the journey, but as
I said, we are here for you

Regarding how to break it off with him: My instinct is to tell him that you want nothing to do with him any more as he has mistreated you. Simple.

However I think it is worth waiting to hear from some others with their opinions seeing as he is not really that mentally stable.

What does everyone else think?


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Remember this: Every time that you tell him that you are done, and then take him back -- his *power* increases exponentially and makes it *that* much harder for you to get away next time. Like the mom who tells child "no" but then 'caves', kwim?

There is going to be no *good* way to do this break up other than to decide you are done, leave and do NOT look back.

"Our relationship doesn't work for me. I no longer want to see you." Done. Go dark.


Short and simple. Don't explain or try to *nice* it up at all -- he'll only 'argue' with you.
Don't wait for him to do <something> because then you open yourself up to hearing about how *awful* of a person you are and/or how *controlling* you are and he'll up end 'breaking up' with you.

Once your eyes are opened to what you are dealing with and how it's *been there* all along -- there is no going back.

Mile-high bitch boots on and steel rod inserted from butt to brain stem. You can do this, Moon.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Thank you noanswer and gonnabe for your continued support.

I am putting on my mile high bitch boots and inserting the steel rod as I write this LOL.

I will let you know how things play out today. I haven't decided what I will say or when I will say it. I just know it needs to be said and it needs to be done.
I think the sooner the better.
I will keep you all posted.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Well I am feeling more peaceful tonight then I have in a long time. I cannot believe how much mental energy I was giving to him even when things were "good".
I feel free. I am only thinking of myself and what I want. I am not worrying about his last comment or lack of comments. I am not planning my life around his wants, needs and desires. I am so grateful for this moment of peace that I am experiencing.
I haven't made any major moves since I last posted. I simply told him that I am going to bed early tonight and that I would talk to him tomorrow.
For now, that is enough.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Just wanted to check in and get some advice.

I have been doing alot of reading and I am dating a sociopath. It is chilling - everything I have read can explain our relationship better than I even can. It was DEAD ON.
I feel a bit relieved. I am not crazy. There is an explanation for the craziness.
And I am filled with RAGE - at myself and at him.
BUT this is much easier to face than confusion and pain. So I am really OK!!!!!
NOW I must establish NC

I have not seen him but he is texting me every few hours. I told him I needed space and time to myself right now but of course, he doesn't hear me or care. He is trying to pull me into the game.
I know to much to be deceived again so I need help with NC.
My cell provider does not block cell numbers and I cannot change my number due to work so does anyone know of an app that I can download to block calls and text msgs?


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Swims
Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Ambermoon, I can't help you with advice about apps..... hopefully someone will come along with advice about that. But YOU can be the filter right now. Don't answer his texts! Continue to stay strong! Be good to yourself. You can do this, Ambermoon!

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am happy to tell everyone that I have ended things. And I know it is over because I don't have the need to tell you all of the gory details like I usually do. I no longer have a need to understand who, what, where, when. I am DONE.

I haven't been able to block the number but I may not even need to. If I find that his constant text messages are affecting me then I will find a way even it that means changing my number.

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me and helped me through my darkest hour. I know that I am just starting the recovery process and there will still be alot to deal with and clean up but I have made that first step and I am proud of myself. I think those mile high bitch boots really helped lol.
I feel free.
My time is my own.
My feelings are my own.
My actions are my own.
My decisions are my own.
My life is my own.
My future belongs to me.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

That's great Amber - keep this attitude going and don't forget to post again when/if you have a tricky day. This is a roller coaster after all!

You can and will get through this - here is to your happier life without that "man".


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
SusanR
Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Sounds to me like he might have a sexual addiction. Don't let that give him a pass though. Very difficult to change that mindset and you'll end up wasting valuable years and suffering repeated emotional trauma.

Get away as fast as you can. Go NC.

Find comfort in who you are alone before you think about hooking up with someone else. Then find someone who genuinely values you as a person, not a plaything.

My therapist suggested that I need to be friends with a man before getting sexual. Should keep the sex addicts at bay!

Hugs. You have a long painful journey ahead thanks to that POS.


Posts: 1943 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)

I''m very, very HAPPY to hear your update! Aren''t those bitch boots comfortable?

Now, your work isn''t done. Please. Get yourself some counseling. You need to not only heal from and process this, but you also need to understand your how and why. So this doesn''t happen again. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

Yes you are right - my work isn't done. I think it might have just begun.

I am still NC and have NO desire to reach out to him or see him but I am feeling so much anger and a bit of sadness tonight.
I cannot believe that I have believed in something that has been a lie for these past 2 years. And when I think back to all of the games he played and lies that I believed.. it makes me sick. How could I have been so dumb?

He continues to just send stupid text messages each day... I am having no problem ignoring him which is a nice change :) And I am not doing it to try to hurt him or teach him a lesson which is new. I am doing it for me. I have no desire to see him or hear one more word of his bullshit.
I am thankful for that.
I have always thought his stupid one line messages really meant he was thinking of me and missed me but he couldn't say the words for fear I would reject him. Ha what a joke. He is bored. He wants to get laid. I am the object of his desire for the moment.... whatever. All I can think to say to that is FUCK OFF.
but I am still left with a hurting heart and a weary soul but I know that that is better than living a lie.

I know this is normal to the way I am feeling right now but I wish I could just erase him from my mind. I don't want to feel the way I feel and I know it takes time but UGH this sucks. But it is much better then the confusion and longing that I had just a week ago so that is progress.

Maybe you could share with me what you went through once you established NC and how you began to heal? What emotions did you face and how did you deal with them in a healthy way? What are things you did each day to take care of you and let the hurt and anger go? How did you trust again. I am noticing that I am questioning every single persons actions now and wondering if they are manipulating me... I see everything differently.



Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)

And yes noanswer I am finding these bitch boots to be a much needed addition to my wardrobe! I think I will be keeping them forever.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
NoAnswers37
Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Well honey, all I can say is that it is a long bumpy road but you ARE on the right track.

Hearing you say you are NC for you and not him is like music to my ears - you seem to have changed the angle you are looking at the situation from and that has empowered you, which is just brilliant.

You will certainly get days when you are sad, then days when you are angry, but the trick is to let yourself have these emotions and roll with them. In time they will become less frequent, and because you acknowledged them you will end up a wiser and stronger person.

I just need to add - you were NEVER dumb. Ever. You were manipulated and abused and I am so sorry for that. Nothing was your fault but here you are turning everything around and making your life better again. So proud of you.

I understand your concerns about not trusting again - I am in the same boat as you but what I have realised is to almost not worry about that for now. I have a lot of work to do on me to recover from my betrayal, and until then I will just keep my friends and family close so I do not need to worry about new people just yet. In time you will be strong and trust again, I am sure.


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
Topic Posts: 51