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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: New to this....
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

So my wife and I got into it pretty bad about 2 months ago. She responded by walking out on myself and our 2 children for over a week. She'd never been much of a drinker, but would go through a fifth a night through out this. Upon her finally coming home she said she wanted to try to be separated. To try to see if she would miss me. At first we slept in the same bed, but eventually I moved to the basement. On my birthday in mid October she took me out and we genuinely had a great time. To the point our friends thought we had made it through. The very next day she was gone again. Then it shifted to divorce. She wants to move an hour away to be near her family. This means taking our children. She claims that she is the happiest she has ever been, but since she made that decision she has stopped working out, gained weight, bought a new car, racked up credit card debt and become even more of a drinker and partier. Two weeks ago she went to a party at her brothers house an hour away, and when I woke up at midnight freaking out I reached out to her via text for comfort. She helped, but confessed three days later she had the entire conversation with me while in another man's arms. She claims she's done, says that she is happy, but her actions are saying otherwise. She keeps communicating with this other guy, swearing she's not ready for a relationship. I've subjected myself to sex, snuggling, intimate talks about her feelings and the other guy for the last week and I've hit my breaking point. She says she wants a divorce, but not until we can afford a financially amicable one, but keeps putting us further and further in the hole, all the while treating me like a toy, taking me down off the shelf when she wants to play, putting me back when she's done. I love her very much and want nothing more than to work it out, but feel like I'm being held hostage in limbo while she figures out if she wants me, the other guy, or no one. I've decided to file Friday morning and have a very aggressive attorney on stand by as well, both details I've kept from her, as she would probably blow up and flee with my children. I feel like if she gave me a sign I would hold off, but I'm terrified to have to keep living my life with the pain I've had the last two months, without even being able to move forward.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry you are here, but you have some great people here to help you.

I am happy you are filing, and filing now. If she takes off with the children without anything filed, you may not be able to get them back, and be "stuck" seeing them only EOW, or worse. From the sounds of it, that isn't what you would want for you and the kids.

The fact that she's racking up debt? Well, until filed, that is marital debt, and you will be responsible for half. You need to file now to protect yourself and your kids.

She wants her new life, she just doesn't want any of the consequences. You are suppose to keep putting up with her behaviour and just pay for everything. Nope. I know it's hard, but try to keep the emotional and the divorce separate. The divorce papers are business, and to protect yourself. Your emotions, you are allowed to feel whatever you feel, and deal with them in the way you need to. Just not when working on the D. Protect yourself, and expect her to do an about turn when she realizes her gravy train is ending. Don't be fooled into stopping the D.She would have to do much more than just say sorry at this point.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5475 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I appreciate your support. I feel like she doesn't know what she wants as her mouths says happiness, but her actions state she the most depressed she's ever been. I told her it felt like she was trying to push me far enough away to have her fun and not feel guilty, but keep me close enough to salvage if she decides to. Her response was "so what if I am". To be perfectly honest, after two days of skimming this forum, it was reading your quote on another post about "he's no longer your best friend, now repeat" that made me feel like it wouldn't hurt to reach out here.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

File for divorce NOW.

Half of what she's spending is yours. So half of the debt will be yours as well.

All of how she's behaving is wrong for you.

You are no more than training wheels for her under these conditions.

If she needs to behave like this, she needs to do it as a single person with her own time and her own money and from her own place.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

The problem I'm having is I want so badly for it to work out, but I know when I file Friday it's over. All hope will be gone and I'll deal with the fallout.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I told her it felt like she was trying to push me far enough away to have her fun and not feel guilty, but keep me close enough to salvage if she decides to.

That's called cake-eating, i.e., she wants her cake and eat it too. You are her Plan B. DON'T BE PLAN B. It doesn't sound like she is remotely interested in saving the M, so move forward with your filing to protect yourself financially, as well as preventing her from running off with the kids. Just because you file doesn't necessarily mean you have to follow through if she decides to pull her head out of her ass and do the REAL work needed to R. Words are cheap and actions speak volumes. File and watch her actions.

Sorry you are here, but you will get a wealth of support to get you through this.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1090 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Thank you Phoenix, I've already started to see the support :)

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

What your WW is doing is called 'cake eating.' She has you AND her OM, why should she want anything to change?

Filing is probably the best thing you can do. It tells her that you are serious about this. If she wants to R, she needs to cut off the OM and start working on the marriage. If not, then you need to protect yourself. Sounds like her behavior is turning self destructive, and you may not want the kids living with her when she moves.

Stay strong, and keep posting.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Sorry, cross posted.

When you file for D, it's not necessarily completely 'over.' Plenty of people R after filing for D. But unless her behavior changes, it's not likely.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

We've been married 7 years and together 9. This all hit me like a bus. I literally two days before this all went down came home from work and approached her with "hey, pretty lady, give me a hug" her response "I'm all sweaty and gross from working out" "you know I don't care" and other than sporadic fights that's who I've been to her. Even throughout this I've been caring, compassionate, loving and supportive. I flipped out when she confessed to the A but 6 hours later came home and told her "I understand that 6 months ago you never would have been able to do this, so to get here, both of us had to drive that car down this road" not once have I blamed, belittled or judged. Every encounter has been that same way since this began.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Khris,

It's not necessarily over when you file. It is a wake up call to your wife that she cannot have it all at the same time and at your expense.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry you're here but welcome.

If you want to keep getting the same response, keep doing the same thing. How's that working for you?

Take back your power.

Her actions do not signal R.

Is there any possibility she is undiagnosed bipolar?

What she is doing to you & your marriage is not acceptable.

Each of you is responsible for your marriage issues but she is the one driving the new car - the affair.

Don't let her run you over with it.

You can't "nice" her back to being a loving wife.


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Oh from our relationship I'd guarantee she is bipolar. Many times in the past she has fled with our children for days over a disagreement. That's the other concern. I plan to not just file for divorce, switch my direct deposit to a new account and a new bank Friday, but also file for emergency temporary custody. This will throw her over the edge.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Is she agreeable to seeking treatment?

I've been around some people who are off meds for BP and it sucks all the air & energy from your life to deal with their behaviors.

I hope you have a good family support system.

Mojo for your Friday court filings! Keep your babies safe.

You will get through this.


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

She refuses to admit she has anything wrong with her. She's fine, I'm the one with problems.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

That's what I figured.

She's just not leaving you with many options.

You can't help her if she won't admit she needs help.

Maybe you filing can shock her back to reality, but maybe not.

A woman who has BP stayed with me for a few weeks because she had nowhere else to go & I quite liked her as a person & wanted to help.

One morning I awoke to find her gone. She turned up about 1700 miles away a couple of days later, like it was completely normal to run off in the middle of the night.

Sounds like your W has done this before, so do you have a plan in case she runs with your children? (Not to be a downer.)

Do you have a voice activated recorder in case she tries to pull something? Any neighbors who could help if there's trouble?


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Unfortunately until I speak to my attorney on Friday I won't have a leg to stand on if she does. I've just avoided contact with her for coming up on 24 hours. Granted I've been at work all day, I don't plan on going home tonight for the first time since this all happened.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

She wants to move an hour away to be near her family. This means taking our children.

Not necessarily. The last 2 times she left, did she take the kids? If not, then you have a case to say she abandoned them and thus cannot move with them. You need to start documenting her every interaction with the kids from here on out. When she stays out all night and you watch the kids, when she leaves for days or weeks and leaves the kids behind, when she calls the kids, when she does not call the kids, when she visits the kids, when she does not visit the kids. etc. Document both the good and the bad, just document consistently.

Regardless, discuss this with you L and push to get temp orders ASAP that prevents her from taking the kids. Without a court order then she can do anything she wants.

Do not think of filing as putting an end to your M, think of it as protecting your kids and yourself while your WW self destructs. Because that is what she is doing right now, self destructing -- all in the name of "having fun" Been there, seen that too. It is not pretty to watch but you have to realize that there is nothing that you can do or say that will make her "get it". She has to do that on her own. And you need to protect yourself so you only have to watch from the sidelines rather than being caught in the cross fire, or worse watching your kids caught in the cross fire.

I am sorry for your pain
(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17629 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

Ah, so sorry, you must be hurting bad tonight.

I'm not a lawyer & don't know about your state, but in some cases, it can be a bad idea to leave the house.

Is there a family member or friend you can be with tonight?


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

No interaction for 24 hours, and I get weak and check her Facebook wall to see she's posted the lyrics to a love song that's directed at him. Counting stars by OneRepublic and I want to die

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I had to look up the lyrics, this line stands out to me

"Everything that kills me makes me feel alive"

Please stay off FB & concentrate on your kiddos & saving yourself too


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

She quoted that line exactly. Then sent her best friend up here to bring me dinner and check on me. Her friend claims that's not why she came to my job but I know better.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I'm glad my tag line helped you khrisdeus. It's the truth. No matter who you thought she was before, at the moment, she's not even close to your friend, never mind best friend.

As others said, document everything. Every time she sees the kids, etc. You must to make sure you protect yourself.

Get a voice activated recorder. Also, please? Don't be alone with her. At. All. Especially since you are the man. If you filing sends her over the edge, she could try to claim abuse to have you removed. If she does, you won't see your kids for quite a while. Do not be alone with her.

Keep breathing, and make sure you are drinking lots of water. You need to look after you.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5475 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I'm just over the games. Why else would she send her friend here. Her friend says "your wife thinks your mad at her because you left as soon as she got home today and you haven't been keeping up on the house" what?! Are you kidding me? I'm mad and you can tell because the house is dirty and I left? WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED! So I told her friend I'm over it. Over being walked on, and I'm moving on with my life. Still no contact, gotta be strong, and I'm going to get a glass of water right now :)

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

We were all new to this at one point. I promise it gets easier. I know the course of action you're taking at the moment is really scary but it's absolutely the right thing to do. Be ruthless. Ignore any guilt you might feel. It's the best and easiest way to save yourself and ironically enough, it also gives you the best chance to resurrect the marriage if that's what the two of you decide that you want in the future.

This is a war and she started it by hitting you with a cowardly sneak attack. You're reeling but by filing, you're taking the power back.


Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

That's a very positive perspective on it. Thank you :)

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I think at this point it's counterproductive to try to get inside your W's head.

I spent way too much time doing that when the truth is, it's dark, dank, twisted & not any place you need to be because your mindset is in a whole different galaxy.

Shields up!


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I'm trying really hard to not try to figure out her mind, but now all I can come up with is she either meant it to be that she wants to be with him, or it was supposed to be directed at me.... She needs to tie her shoes cause she's tripping

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

I'm trying really hard to not try to figure out her mind

Good, because it is a complete waste of your time and energy. Many of us here have tried, in vane, to do the same thing. The result is always the same, there is no understanding it. Only broken can understand broken, or crazy can understand crazy. Since you are neither, and a normal, rational human being with a good moral character, you will never figure it out.

Focus your energy on your strategy for your filing and to protect your kids from the crazy as much as possible. They don't need that either (and ultimately you cannot control all of what they will be exposed to either if you co-parent). Divorce IS war, whether you go through with it all the way or not. You still need to walk the path as if you will, and only you really know the best way to handle your WW in that regard. Sometimes that means strategizing against conventional wisdom (that's what I had to do). Do your homework to understand the divorce/child custody laws in your state before you talk to your L so you can be prepared with your questions to fully understand what you can expect from the D. Then create your strategy to get the best possible outcome for you and your kids. Knowledge is power, my friend.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1090 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)

You're all such wonderful people. I'm so glad I decided to share.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

hey!

did you make it through the night ok?


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Yeah I did, 36 hours NC. But I did something bad this morning :( I went home to shower before work:

Her: any reason you took the big portrait of you and I down? Seems a little childish.

Me: were done, we're getting a divorce, I'm tired of looking at that shit.

Her: you have no reason to be mean to me (I haven't been in 2 months)

Me: really? You told me Tuesday you didn't give a fuck about my feelings and you were going to that party with OM Saturday if I like it or not

Her: I never said I was going to that party

Me: you know what, the money is dried up, I'm done buying you $80 pairs of jeans and Cadillacs, my direct deposit has been changed, I'm filing for divorce and if you have any other questions you can contact my attorney

Her: (very sarcastically) ok, have a great day.

I took my shower, went to the ATM to verify that she hadn't screwed me over, and came to work.....

She acted like she was ok, but now I'm fearing her next move...


Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

You did nothing wrong.

"Bad" is screwing around on your spouse.

Now that you have drawn the line, stand behind it.

NC her. Kids & finances ONLY.

Divorce is not an event, it's a process.

Stay strong, we've got your back.

She's likely to ramp up the nasty. Try not to let her get to you.

And think about getting that voice activated recorder.

Plenty of members here have had to defend themselves against false DV allegations.

Sh*t's gonna get real tomorrow.

Once she knows she has lost control of the situation, all bets are off.

Don't clue her in on any of your plans regarding the D, don't give her any advantage.


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Well luckily I have an appointment with my attorney tomorrow at 8:45. I talked to my best friend in his basement for 4 hours last night and realized I'm a great husband, I don't deserve what she has been putting me through. I'm done being an emotional door mat, and I have the most aggressive, productive attorney in the state. I'm going to town. She has exactly $0, no financial support, and nowhere long term to go. She's going to get really nasty, but maybe she should have thought about all of that 2 months ago when she started down this path.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Glad your friend is there for you.

You sound good to go.

Keep in mind that time is $$$$ with the lawyer - keep it business, the L is not your therapist. (Mistake I made)

I felt much better after the first meeting with the lawyer, like ok, someone's going to navigate this weird situation for me.

Keep us posted & good luck Friday.

As for your WW, actions meet consequences.


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Everyone I've talked to said her tune would change when I filed and cut her off. Now I've got this eerie feeling because she handled it so well... no arguing, no pleading, just sarcastic acceptance

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 7th (Thursday)

Likely it's not real to her yet.

Probably still thinks she can do as she pleases & manipulate you.

Wait till she's served...


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
Commanche1
Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

khrisdeus, she is calm because she doesn't believe you

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

So she thinks I'm just blowing smoke.... She's in for a surprise

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

So I just came home on my split shift and tried to sneak into my room in the basement and she is down here going through totes and splitting up her stuff and mine. Not sure what that means haha

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

So I just came home on my split shift and tried to sneak into my room in the basement and she is down here going through totes and splitting up her stuff and mine. Not sure what that means haha

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

Guessing that's her attempt to show she is in control of this situation

Or the cray-cray is winning


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

Yeah I know her well enough that I know it's a sign of "oh yeah, well how about I do this?"

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

Not to mention she conveniently started in the basement knowing that's where I'd go if I came home. She even put the wedding stuff in my pile

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

LOL

The wedding stuff is a great big, you can't reject me, I reject you.


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

Yeah, she still hasn't gotten a response from me, so she just asked me if I'd get the power switched over to my name as soon as possible. "Yeah, sure thing"

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Healing2012
Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

It's like a game of chicken. I guarantee she thinks you were just talking a big game. She thinks you'll cave first. She is in for a world of surprise.

I'm glad you were able to speak with your friend. It's amazing how much our WSs scramble our brains to make us think we're at fault and/or the crazy ones. It's good that you have someone in your life you can trust and who makes sure you see that this is not your fault.

Sending you good vibes for tomorrow and lots of strength!


BS: Me (41)
WS: Husband (47)
Married 9 years
Two children 6 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

Ok, I'm not going to lie, I'm starting to freak out. Don't want my marriage to be over but don't want her fleeing with my kids. I think she's serious....

When I successfully ignored the packing the comments increased.

"Can you get the power out of my name"

"Can you get me off of your truck so I can file bankruptcy"

"I'm hoping to have all my stuff out of the basement and moved to the garage by Saturday so you can have your space"

"Can you bring some boxes home from work"

"Can I borrow your truck for a little bit tonight so I can move the exercise equipment out of the basement to my friends house"

Just to be honest I'm playing tough to try to get her to come to her senses. I'm still planning on the temporary custody tomorrow, but I'm starting to realize she may be serious. I love my wife, and I know it's stupid to, but now I'm scared.....


Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

We get it.

I loved my H too, but not enough to share.

Your first post, you said you'd reached your breaking point.

In other words, her turning your marriage into a 3some in which your role is to live in the basement & pay for her to party with OM was no longer acceptable.

You'd like to knock her off the fence & make her choose you over him.

You love her.

Are you willing to sit back & let her run the show ?

Are you willing to share her?

What are you getting out of the marriage? Your story reads like she has been throwing the OM in your face & daring you to challenge her.

You don't have to file BUT what if she runs off with your kids, again?

It's totally your decision BUT if you back down & don't see the lawyer, her manipulation continues unabated & she'll be pulling your strings, again.

Only you can walk in your shoes. On your side whatever you choose, just remember, nobody deserves to be treated like this.


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

I guess it's that I'm still hopeful. I'm done compromising, cut her off financially, I just don't want it to be over, I want her to wake up and be my wife again. Give up on OM and realize I'm not going to be plan B. I'm not willing to go back from the progress I've made, I'm just hoping she realizes that single life, filing bankruptcy, living an hour from her children, not living the life I've helped to provide her with is harder than working on herself and our marriage.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

We've got a mutual friend who talked me into trying to have one last civil conversation with her before I file. I texted her and she responded with "I guess we can give it a shot and see what happens. I'm not promising anything though" .... we'll see....

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

Seriously, get the VAR. If WW is commenting on you "being mean to poor little me," the next step is to call it abuse. Protect yourself. Protect your kids. Do NOT meet with her alone.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 8th (Friday)

I met with my attorney today. He seems pretty confident that under the circumstances I should be able to get whatever I want. She doesn't have an attorney yet and spent a good part of the morning texting me asking me to please not go through court for this because she thinks it will "fuck up our kids". She also said she didn't want to fight me or hate me, to which I responded "you haven't cared about my feelings lately, so why should I give a fuck about yours" been NC ever since

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 8th (Friday)

asking me to please not go through court for this because she thinks it will "fuck up our kids".

Exactly how does she think divorces happen? Magic fairy dust? And maybe she should have thought about how all this would affect her children BEFORE she decided to fuck around...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1090 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, November 8th (Friday)

And just like that, game change.

You hold the power now.

Good job on NC.

How are you feeling?


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, November 8th (Friday)

He seems pretty confident that under the circumstances I should be able to get whatever I want

As things stand, yes you should. Right up until the police show up at you door and remove you from the home for domestic abuse.

Seriously, get the VAR.
Do NOT meet with her alone.


Great advice. When she does meet with a lawyer and her lawyer tells her she's in trouble, what do you predict her response will be? BTDT. Watch your ass. The first move the cops make is to remove the accused abuser from the home. You have to prove your innocence, not the other way around. It's a quick, sleazy way to be awarded temporary custody. Do you really believe she's not capable of that?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2822 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, November 8th (Friday)

VAR VAR VAR

Dude - get yourself to a big box store and buy a VAR TODAY if you haven't already.

The advice you're getting is from people who have been there, done that, and seen the ABSOLUTE worst from their spouses. You have to plan for the worst, expect the worst, protect yourself from the worst.

Buy the VAR. Carry it on you at ALL times.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25292 | Registered: Aug 2011
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Just want to join in and reiterate the importance of having a Voice Activated Recorder with you at all times!

Also - you didn't mention credit cards, or I missed it, get her name off them! Document the drinking if you can.

And you need to know, though you don't want to hear it, I'm sure - that if filing does not wake her up... nothing else would have. Her choices appear to be consistently selfish, she was sticking with the OM after Dday, and she may continue to do so... In that case, you are left (like many of us here) with pulling off the band-aid slow or pulling it off quick.

Oh, and just in case - stop swearing when you text or talk to her. Put you business face on! You have to expect anything and everything - to show up in court if it goes that way. Vent here, curse here - we do !


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 8th (Friday)

oops. double post!

[This message edited by Take2 at 2:19 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 8th (Friday)

I've got a recorder :) I was home napping just now when she realized I was here. She came downstairs and tried to talk to me, she said "oh so now you're going to record me?" "Yes" "great, you're going to put me through everything my dad put my mom through" and back upstairs she went :) it's hard to be strong, but it's getting easier :)

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 8th (Friday)

I've got a recorder :) I was home napping just now when she realized I was here. She came downstairs and tried to talk to me, she said "oh so now you're going to record me?" "Yes" "great, you're going to put me through everything my dad put my mom through" and back upstairs she went :) it's hard to be strong, but it's getting easier :)

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
khrisdeus
New Member
Member # 41265
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 8th (Friday)

She left with the kids....... nothing I can do....

Posts: 44 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Illinois
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

You do have options, the lawyer explained them. You're reluctant to pull the plug.

How safe are your kids with WW in party mode?

Did she bring them back?

Snorting that she is trying to play the victim card ("you're going to put me through..")


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
Topic Posts: 63