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User Topic: Sex question/advice
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

We used to have crazy, freaky, circus sex. Now, I have to battle mind movies during which is no fun, I have to work harder to enjoy it and most of the time if I want to, I don't initiate because I know it's just going to be disappointing because of the mind movies and work I have to do to enjoy it. It used to be easy. We had amazing chemistry and were totally uninhibited in the bedroom. Now I'm getting to the point of being pissed because I feel like he ruined my sex life. It's not so much fun anymore, it's work and it always causes me to go downhill a day or two later.

I see all of these sex posts where people are closer afterwards and have better sex. Did you go through this period before getting to the better? Has anyone been in this boat I'm in before? If so, how did you get out?

I equate it to touching something hot and getting burned. When I think I want to make love, I immediately think I better not because it'll hurt.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 7th (Thursday)

Velvet, I think many people experience intimacy after an affair very differently. For me, several years prior to my d-day, our intimacy was rare and not earth shattering. Part of our R is becoming more intimate, really relearning what we each like and enjoy. So in that aspect our sex life is much better than the years past. At first, yes, the movies played, but I had to "work" through it. We're not to crazy, freaky circus sex yet, but we're so, so much better than before. In my case, it couldn't have gotten too much worse. While I and my FWW wish the A never would have happened, it is bringing us back closer than really ever before. With more warmth in our relationship, there's more heat in the bedroom.

To answer your question, yes, went through the mind movies, the anger, (look at my user name after all), but after committing to the R, accepting what happened and that I have no power to change the past, it got better.It still hurts, but I am so looking forward to our future! Completely sucks, I know.

Best wishes to you Velvet!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, November 8th (Friday)

Thanks for the response. I'm just wondering, has anyone waited a while to reengage? I mean, maybe some celibacy would make it easier later on?

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
BrokenwingBird
New Member
Member # 41052
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, November 8th (Friday)

We are currently separated while working on R and each living with our parents. We didn't have a great sex life before. It has been a month, and I am barley able to give him hugs at this point. I may feel ready to kiss him again soon.

We are gonna wait a long time to have sex. WH told me that he has always had inadaquacy and confidence issues in the bedroom(which I didn't know until now, maybe explains the lack luster sex previously). A couple of days after I found out about his long term A, I was angry, and said some horrible things that he said he will have a hard time getting over and that even when I am ready to have sex again, he may not be ready. We are probably gonna need a sex therapist to get through it because we are both hurt and vulnerable now.

But I am definitely worried about it when the day comes. I don't know how hard it is going to be to get past. I am just waiting until it feels right. I think forcing it to happen now, will just end in tears and set us up for a bad experience this soon.


D-Day: 10/10/13
Length of A: 2 yrs
Married 4yrs
Together: 8yrs
One beautiful 2yr old son

Posts: 27 | Registered: Oct 2013
rbf1234
Member
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, November 8th (Friday)

I am in a similar situation to you, velvet. Great sex life before - even during the affair. But I think that has made R more complicated. If sex had been bad or missing during the A, then we could use restarting our sex life to reestablish intimacy. Instead, it just reminds me of what I thought was a passion for each other, but what I now think was a lie.

After DD we resumed sex after a few months but it was not great. And recently I have lost all desire (I am just over a year out). Not sure what is going to happen next. It was such an important part of my life before. And now it feels as if my sexuality has died. The A killed my erotic imagination. I really don't know what to do.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

We always had an active adventurous sex life. After DDay I battled a few different things, mind movies, realizing that for H it may not have always been about the intimate bond or a way to show love. That was hard to wrap my brain around, we were each others firsts and that bond we shared just didn't mean as much anymore.

When we had sex it would end with me crying and him getting frustrated and angry (before he was out of the fog). He said it wasn't worth if it of it just left me in a painful mess. He was right. So I did a few things.
The first was to just focus on the physical act. I was not going to have sex to feel close or intimate I pulled a 180 in the bedroom. It was just about me and me getting off. So it was often about me I was the focus. That meant quickies, and often just focus on me. I told H that I needed this to allow me to heal. This action was the smartest thing I could have done.

After months and we started real r things slowly changed and my H really enjoyed focusing on me and quickies turned into marathon sessions. Slowly the intimacy returned and that was a huge part of my healing. I became a much more sexual woman who was confident in and out of the bedroom.

So my suggestion is be patient. Make it all about you and focus on the physical. Just enjoy how it feels. Be kind to you the crazy monkey circus freak sex will come back as you both heal and your M gets stronger.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

When I think I want to make love, I immediately think I better not because it'll hurt.

I guess what I would ask is..... Are you guys "making love"? Or are you just having sex.

To me it's been important since DDay to make love. It doesn't mean we'll never have sex for fun only again. It doesn't mean that we won't get around to the crazier part again one day.

But right now I need it to be sweet and full of meaning. For me it leads to trust which will eventually lead to everything else.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 7