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Just Found Out
User Topic: I need some help please
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 8th (Friday)

I'm writing this between a wall of tears. I'm absolutely petrified.

This morning, I used GPS to track my husband and found he was at a hotel room at 11:00 in the morning when we said he was at work. I parked my car, phoned him and he told me he was working somewhere else in the office and that's why he couldn't get to his desk phone. I said, "that's funny cause your car is outside the Radisson".

He came out, stood in front of me, said,"I don't even know what to say to you." I said "who are you with?" and he said, "I don't want to drag her name into this." I asked her if he loved her, and he said "I don't know."

Later in the day, and during the one and only crying phone call I made, he told me after some questions:

*I've been unhappy for two years.
*You're a negative person
*I don't know what to say

I asked if I should file for divorce and he said I probably should.

Right now, my DD left because I don't want to lean on her right now. I'm pacing the house in tears. I have called my close friend who helps so much, but I'm falling apart.

I've known for a few weeks that something wasn't right, hence the GPS. But now that I know, I feel so much worse than when I only had suspicions.

This is the same man just bought a house with me less than a year ago. There so much involved with this that I don't have the will to go into it now. Just know that I am financially trapped. I'm heartbroken and I want to die. I honestly don't want to be here.

Last night we made love and it was great as always, he kissed me on the head and lips this morning and said he loved me so much, this knowing he was going to plug some broad in a hotel room all day.

I can't believe this is my life.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 12:24 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
K Phantom
Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 8th (Friday)

This place is slow on the weekends. Easier said than done but try to clam down. Take things one min at a time if you have to. Breathe. Go for a walk/run.

Nobody wants to be here. There are a lot of good folks here and a lot of good help. They will be here to help you soon.

There is quite a bit of shock and a lot of feelings come out when you first find out for sure, but you can get through this. Youíre going to be on a rollercoaster for a while with a lot of ups and downs. Go to the healing library.

Most important right now is to take care of yourself! Iíll hang out here for a while if you need to talk or you can pm me.


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 515 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 8th (Friday)

I regret to welcome you to a club that no one ever wants to join. But you have found a good place. Weekends tend to be a little less active here. So more help will arrive slowly at first. But help will arrive.

I call the experience you have just had 'when it all collapses into a single frame'. You were suspicious, you took steps, your worst fears were realized. And it is as devastating as it is sickening. But it is both survivable and, in time, manageable. It just doesn't feel like it right now.

One breath, one minute, one step at a time. This is all you can do at first as you come to terms with this.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
LetMeRollIt
Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Very sorry you are here. You've come to the right place.


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
AlexFL
Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, November 8th (Friday)

You will be feeling all kinds of emotions. Of course u love him, u can't just turn that off. Just know that first you'll mind of go numb at times, u may even not believe it. You'll get angry, sad, depressed etc BUT a person that is unhappy shod have communicated that to you. He is trying to justify his actions. Nothing justifies betrayal. If he were a real man instead of a cheat he would have spoke to you about it and not try to knock you down by saying you are negative. This is a horrible thing to experience. It is selfish on his part. DO NOT allow him to place the blame on you. Find your anger. Your husband the one that you have been loyal to has been looking u in the eyes and lying , he has been having sex with someone else and possibly putting your heyb at risk without even being considerate enough to tell u. Do not take this on as something you have done. This is him satisfying his ego. Take time to yourself. You need to digest this before you allow your emotions and now low self esteem to decide that you will accept this behavior. It's his fault. He needs to own it.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Thank you so much for the responses, because right now I can barely function.

He's texted a few times saying "I'm so sorry I've destroyed everything." "I'm so sorry" "I shouldn't have did what I did." But I can't do anything. I feel like I've had the skin pulled off me.

Throughout our marriage I've had suspicions, but because I could never prove anything and honestly, he treated me so well I'd feel guilty for snooping. I knew he had actively "fished" a few times during our marriage, (emails to coworkers inviting them out for drinks), and I'm a fool for brushing it under the rug and settling into our "happy" life. I am the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. There's more that he's done that anybody in their right mind would have ran away from. But no not me. Damn.

He'd buy flowers all time, we had a great sex life, always telling me he loved me and how happy he was with his life and now suddenly, I'm abandoned? Who the F does that? Isn't that what a psycopath does?

We've been married 7 years. Right now I'm tearing our room apart and putting his stuff in the basement. I can't deal with it. At this point he doesn't seem to be fighting for me anyway. When I was at the hotel, he let me walk away in tears . . . did nothing to stop me.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, November 8th (Friday)

((Lola)))

Please read the healing library, you will get lots more help there.

During this time, make sure you eat and take care of yourself. I know that so many things come into your head, but no matter what, you don't deserve to be treated like this.

He said you should file for divorce; you don't have to make any decisions now.

If you can please get an STD test as now you know he has been sleeping around. Protect yourself. Take your future and your life into your hands. You call the shots.

I know that finances come into your head, but we have stay at home moms with more than 3 kids who Survived. You can too!

You will be ok! You are a beautiful, intelligent person with or without him.

Make sure you take care of yourself. We are here for you!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
AlexFL
Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 8th (Friday)

oh I know what you're going through all too well. I wish I had great advice for you but truthfully your story could be mine. I caught my serial cheater red handed snuggled up with someone at a club. I needed to see it for myself. He treated me horribly and humiliated me in front of the OP and somehow a few months later we were back together. Woohoo I won the prize !!!! I actually though we reconciled every thing was going well and then I busted him with someone else and I still Am considering taking him back. So u are not an idiot. If you continue to accept this like I have - then you'd be an idiot -- I've been with him for 20+ years. We had a great many years. I hope u put your foot down and set boundaries. Idk if you have children. But if u do not-- leave and don't look back. They never change. I've been trying for the last 5 years. I need to change instead of trying to change him. Do not accept this in your life.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
AlexFL
Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 8th (Friday)

oh I know what you're going through all too well. I wish I had great advice for you but truthfully your story could be mine. I caught my serial cheater red handed snuggled up with someone at a club. I needed to see it for myself. He treated me horribly and humiliated me in front of the OP and somehow a few months later we were back together. Woohoo I won the prize !!!! I actually though we reconciled every thing was going well and then I busted him with someone else and I still Am considering taking him back. So u are not an idiot. If you continue to accept this like I have - then you'd be an idiot -- I've been with him for 20+ years. We had a great many years. I hope u put your foot down and set boundaries. Idk if you have children. But if u do not-- leave and don't look back. They never change. I've been trying for the last 5 years. I need to change instead of trying to change him. Do not accept this in your life.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Oh Lola7.....I'm sorry. So very sorry. You are in good hands here. What is of utmost importance now is you and your basic needs. Eat what you can. Drink water. Rest. Rest. Rest. I lost 30 pounds the first month. I can't speak medically but Boost shakes helped me a bit. Some nutrition to sustain my body.

Therapy and counseling should be on the your radar as well.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. The people here will help you. Keep posting.

(((Lola7)))

[This message edited by sunsetslost at 10:31 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, November 8th (Friday)

Hugs ((((Lola)))). First, welcome, SI is a wonderful place. Second, you are NOT an idiot, you were a trusting wife and he deceived you in the worst possible way.

The pain of finding out is gut-wrenching and overwhelming, but it's better that you know the truth than to just have suspicions, because that will drive you crazy. I had three nervous breakdowns before my H finally confessed the truth and I wish I had been able to bust him in the act like you did.

*I've been unhappy for two years.
*You're a negative person
*I don't know what to say

Those are just excuses and attempts to blame you for what he did. Even if any of it were true, he made a *choice* to cheat so don't let him put any blame for his actions off on you. This is ALL on HIM!

Please take care, keep posting and reading here. You are not alone.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9744 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, November 8th (Friday)

When I was at the hotel, he let me walk away in tears . . . did nothing to stop me

That is heart-breaking. I am so sorry. {{{hugs}}}

Good on you for moving his crap into the basement. Right now you need some space from this person who has treated you so callously.

And I'm sorry that you are dealing with his "I'm sorry I destroyed everything....even though a few hours ago I told you that I've been unhappy for the past 2 years and your attitude sucks" mind-fuck.

When/if he comes home....don't engage with him. Ignore him. If he attempts to speak to you....here's your response "I will be consulting with a lawyer about this situation." *close door in his face* If he insists on explaining or talking -- tell him to email you. <--(I'm not kidding) Completely distance yourself from him for a few days so that you have some time to process what you saw and can consider your future without having to *deal* with him or any of the crazy shit that he will be willing to say right now.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8071 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

I can't express how thankful I am for the kind words. It really is keeping me going at the moment. I feel so pathetic.

I don't understand how someone can just be here, in this bed, and we're happy as clams, and he's laying there fully aware of what he's going to do the next day. I know I'm rambling now, just venting. He was the absolute love of my life. I don't even know the person I saw today.

Thank you so much for your words and I will definitely look into the healing library. I might as well because I have a feeling I will watching the sun rise. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I'm sure smoking like a champ though. Angry because I quit almost 4 years ago. I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and my whole life will have to be rebuilt. How the fuck does anybody get over this?

[This message edited by Lola7 at 2:06 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

(((Lola)))

We do survive! We put our bitch shoes on and we stand up ans say we are not going to be tossed aside for our WS's choices and selfish needs.

Yes, please do go talk to an attorney who can give you advice on your options. You and your child should be your number one priority right now.

It doesn't matter if the house is in his name. Your married, all for one and one for all.

My house is in foreclosure right now because of my SAWH. I have 3 kids. It will all be ok.

I would suggest seeing an individual counselor. Also, if you want to stop smoking, maybe running or journaling may be a different choice. Good for you that you quit!

He is seems to be going along with his affair right in front of you, without any care for your feelings. He is making excuses to cover his own bad choices. Right out of the cheaters handbook.

Take back control! Find your anger.

Above all, ignore him right now. You need to sort things out. See a good friend, visit family. Gather your support system.

You CAN do this!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
K Phantom
Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

How the fuck does anybody get over this?
Time.

If you happen to break a few of his thing while placing downstairs...so be it.


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 515 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

I just finished the first of many huge breakdowns I expect as I come to the realization that this is really over. I slept for maybe an hour, and woke up in tears knowing this is Day one; Day one of a bleak, dark hole that somehow Iím going to have to climb out of. I expect this is what Saturday and Sunday will be like. Monday I donít know what happens. I donít know if he wants to come back here, I donít know how Iíll stomach him being in the same house with me. I read up on the 180 and considering the way Iím feeling right now, will be my only salvation and hope for a normal life someday. I know this is all fresh, but still, I never thought Iíd be feeling so awful and alone and discarded. I do need to toughen up. Ironically, Iím seen as a ďstrongĒ person by my friends and family, so maybe thatís why Iím completely falling apart when Iím alone. I donít feel emotionally equipped to handle this. I know I need IC right away. Iíve got some abandonment issues stemming from my award-winning childhood, but I need to pull it together. I feel guilty that I feel so degenerated, and that doesnít even make any sense!

On one hand, I want him to beg forgiveness and on the other, I just want him to go away. I have a feeling though, that all he will offer me going forward are his stream of ĒIím so sorryísĒ, but he only does this for himself. He wants to appear as this noble man that is sure sorry it had to be this way, but he had to be happy. He'll be saying how sorry he is as he backs away out of my life he left in ruins. I'm sorrry. He likes to be the hero, the good guy. I can imagine him telling his family that heís been unhappy for a 2 years like he tried to feed me, but they will all back him like the pack of wolves that they are. If you were so unhappy, you could have shared that with me, instead of always saying, ďWe got everything we need baby, we got it made.Ē Apparently, he needed a little more.

I wish I had faith that things will get better, but I just donít. I worry that Iím just going to be alone forever. My mind is filled with things to agonize over. Then, I feel like waving a white flag and crawling under a rock.
Sorry, just needed to vent. Phew.

@Kphantom: Oops there goes another beer mug! I'm so sorry.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

(((((Lola7)))))

Don't you feel guilty for not being 'strong' right now. Your entire world was just shaken up, dumped on the ground and stomped on. You went from making love to the love of your life to seeing him let you walk away and go back into his hotel room with OW in the span of 12 hours or so. You've had less that 24 hours to digest that. No one is strong in that position - no one. You're actually doing very well. You aren't texting him, you're packing his things, you're being as strong as you can be.

In the beginning everyone feels what you're feeling. It's amazing how many WSs do actually come crawling back. It seems when the affair is outed it isn't so fun anymore. It's seen for what it is - a cheap fling with a lesser person. The 'excitement' of being bad is gone. Now it's just life, and it isn't what most people want.

You don't need to worry about him right now. You only need to worry about you. You won't be alone forever. There is a forum here called "New Beginnings". Check it out. Everyone there felt just as you did at one time.

As for what your H said to you about his unhappiness and whatnot - it's just garbage. He's deflecting his guilt by blaming you for his issues. If he was unhappy he had so many ways to deal with it, including talking with you. Instead he lied, pretended he was fine, and did the sleaziest thing possible - cheated. It's a very cheap way to feel better. It's all external validation for a broken person. That is NOT your fault, in any way. His inability to work through issues is not your fault. His inability to talk to you is not your fault. His lying to you so you would have no idea there were problems is not your fault. Don't accept blame, for any of it. He has some lousy coping skills. That is his issue, not yours. Do NOT let him make you feel like you caused this. You didn't, at all.

The others have offered some great advice. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. There are over 40,000 members, just on this site. You will make it to the other side of this, and how that looks is probably up to you. You don't see that right now, but that's the truth.

We're always here if you need to scream, cry, ask questions, etc. You aren't alone out there.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
tigerlilly
Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

Just want to tell you that you WILL get through this! There were so many days and nights in those first few months that I thought I would never get through. It's now been years since then and what I can tell you is, I LOVE my life more than I ever have. I thought I was happy with my ex, and I guess I was. But my life now is just SO MUCH BETTER! I did not have to be without him very long before it was apparent how much of a drag on my boat he was.

Hang in there. You will get through this. Not getting through is just not an option!


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2008
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

We all know what you're going through Lola7. Keep posting here. And take care of your basic needs. Eat what you can. Drink water. Take deep breaths. You will get through this. We all will


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

Lola,

The emotional 'roller coaster' is the first dark ride you go on when the realization that the person you trusted most and built no protection from has betrayed you. It can be no other way really. And so, you just need to go with it, recognizing that all these feelings and thoughts will just come almost no matter what else you want or do. And it's okay.

Take care of yourself first. Breathe, allow all those emotions to occur and pass through you. Rest when you can, eat well - all those things that seem so trite actually do add up to something.

If you can find a therapist or counselor, please do so as quickly as you can. An outside view from a professional can be invaluable as you process the madness that comes from betrayal.

And post here. There are (far too) many of us that have been on this ride. So, get it out. Soon enough, the beginnings of your way forward will begin to take shape.

Peace and strength.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

THIS is NOT your fault. You have nothing to apologize for.

It hurts. LORD, does it hurt. But it gets better.

If you have been called strong and are known for being strong, then my guess is, YOU ARE STRONG. You will be strong enough to survive this and kick ass surviving it!

Being strong does not mean you don't feel devastated. It means you find a way to "OOPS! another beer mug" have a brief chuckle at the dark humor and keep on keeping on.

After a long while, I stopped saying "I can't believe he did this to me." I realized that he didn't do this TO ME. He NEVER even thought about me or the consequences or the way I would feel. He just DID THIS. Because he has something deeply broken, flawed and selfish inside of HIM.

I am sorry you are here. But welcome all the same.

(((hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
selkiescot
Member
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

HUGS Lola. It hurts and it will continue to hurt. But it does get better. Remeber this isn't your fault. You didn't cause him to be unhappy. He could have done many other things to relieve his unhappiness. He chose an affair. The easiest way out.
Eat what ever will stay down and stay hydrated.
Stop beating yourself up for believing him. You are not the one to blame for his behaviour. Read all you can about this in the healing library. be strong sweetie you will get through this.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 10:23 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]


The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
DDAYs TOO MANY
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

Thank you everybody {tears again} It really helps coming here.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

(((Lola)))

One more thing...if he does come crawling back to you, please know that this does NOT mean that the A is over. He may just be hiding it better. Where is he that you're alone this weekend??

In my situation, when I found the emails he swore he would end it the next day. (I didn't know about this site yet, so I handled everything WRONG). Anyway, all they did was set up a new email account, and I think they met again a couple of times, although I don't have proof of that part. Once I found the new email address (sent to our email by mistake) I left. Only then did my WH pull his head out of his butt.

Please just read and read in the Healing Library. Also, see an atty on Monday, and give them all your financial info. Make sure you have your WH's 2012 W-2 and yours, if applicable, with you for that appt.

You will come out of this so much better, no matter which way it goes. How he let you leave the parking lot of that hotel is beyond me. You need to 180 him and arm yourself with knowledge.

(((more hugs)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

@ Raven, we haven't spoken since the one call I made yesterday. I shut my phone off and he hasn't tried to reach me any other way so I suspect he's with a family member while he figures out how he's going to fuck me over some more.

As for the OW, she's not my concern. I think she's an out of towner through his work, and even if she wasn't it would be someone else. I'm fixating on HIS actions right now and honestly haven't thought about true reconciliation. I'm just trying to not have a meltdown every 20 minutes, and failing miserably.

The way I feel right now, I don't want to see his face again.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 9th (Saturday)

(((((lola7))))) You will come to understand this soon and that is Ö THE BETRAYAL OF YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He has to give all those pathetic excuses in order to justify his actions. Depending on your dynamics during your marriage, he may even blame you. His reasoning will be that if you are to blame, then he is the innocent victim. These are all common behaviors of a WS. It is not a reflection of YOU.

It is really really important to stay hydrated and eat. I know in the beginning your taste buds don't work and you forget to drink water but YOU MUST. If you can, get in to see your doctor. I needed to use xanax in the early weeks just to function and get a few hours of sleep at night.

Do you have IRL family and friends that you can get support from?

I am so sorry that you are here but you have come to the right place. We have ALL been there done that. We are all in different stages. I want to tell you that it does get better. So much better but it takes time and work. It takes healing, grieving, rebuilding. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR HUSBANDS AFFAIR. Post often. Read everything.

If you feel suicidal, call for help! You have been traumatized. We are here for you.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2264 | Registered: Oct 2012
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

I'm sure if he is staying with a relative they are telling him what a #*$&*@%*#@_#% he is! I'm glad you shut your phone off. You don't need his garbage right now!

I am so, so sorry. Please keep posting here. We all have your back!!! Also, as everyone has been saying, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! He is the one that is broken inside that he can do this! Please remember that!

[This message edited by Raven96 at 12:09 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

First night completely alone in the house except for the fur babies. I'm not looking forward to it.

I've been drinking since I woke up in tears this morning. I keep drinking, but I never get drunk. I'm like Marion in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I'm tired, but I dread sleep because that's when the real pain sets in. During the day I can rationalize what he did to me, talk to friends, but now, I'm just obliterated by it all. And I miss him so much. And that's pathetic after what he did. It's all I can do to NOT turn the phone on and beg for an explanation. Don't worry, I will NOT do that.

Instead I cry and pace and sob like I never have in my life. The worst part . . . he doesn't care how this has killed me. He cares about him.

Again, just rambling. But if you can give me suggestions on how to begin 180 on Monday I'd be very thankful. Right now, I just feel like I'll cry, and that's not going to help me.

(I know - Stop drinking for starters.)



[This message edited by Lola7 at 12:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
K Phantom
Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

(((((lola7))))

I reread some of my posts and the first 2 weeks after i just found out was a blur to me then and still is to this day.

I remember reading something that like 90% of relationships that start out as an affair do not work out. it's something about the thrill of it being wrong and when it's put out into the open not as exciting anymore. This was true in my case as well. This guy is no longer in my or my x's life.

don't worry about the house right now. worry about taking care of yourself! try to eat and sleep as much as you can. keep posting and letting us know your okay. Thanks!


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 515 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, November 9th (Saturday)

Oh Lola7, you break down as much as you want right now!! You have been blindsided by a selfish asshole that you trusted with everything.

(((((Lola7)))))

For the 180, you just start. Pick something to do, and do it. It will feel awful, and raw, and you'll feel completely exposed, like everyone knows what happened. They don't, and if they did it wouldn't matter. You will stop feeling that way after only a few outings, but you will feel it if you go out on Monday, or if you wait 3 months. It just is.

So that feeling goes away. You've getting stronger - getting used to being strong, and happy, and BUSY. You are calling friends and making plans, and maybe joining a gym or taking a new class. Again, it will feel very forced at first, but the point is to get used to it, to see that you can do it, and very, very soon you will feel better, more independent, confident, and strong. It will happen. The 180 is designed for that. Feelings follow actions.

For this weekend, you just lay low. You cry, you nap, you do what you need to do. The shock of this is terrifying. Again, if you want to break down and cry, you do that. There is no shame in feeling sad or hurt. This is not your fault.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

I just woke up, coughing in my sleep from probably the amount of cigarettes I smoked last night. At least I got some sleep, but now Iím up and just scared to death. I havenít been on my own in such a long time. The security of two incomes is going to be gone. The security of rolling over at night and hugging him is gone. I just got up to use the bathroom and something as mundane as that is a ďfirstĒ. First time I did that since heís been gone, First time did that since he left . . . itís ridiculous, and heartbreaking.

I know we had issues. I could be over bearing I guess, and I sometimes felt like I couldn't trust him. And thereís a reason for that; itís because I couldnít trust him. Now Iím the one feeling horrible and abandoned. Heís going to be out of my life and Iím not sure how to process that. If he ever loved me, how is he able to completely shut it off? We had been working hard to pay off our debts and then pay off this mortgage quickly so that when retirement arrived, weíd have security. Now, heís destroyed everything. I have to be prepared for the possibility he decided it wasnít what he wanted after all. I have no idea how to process that. Iím supposed to be angry but I canít find it. I just feel obliterated.

Iím panicking because I donít want to hear that he just doesnít love me anymore. Boom Ė Just like that. Iím afraid when I see his face, Iíll just fall apart. I cannot believe heís done this to our marriage; our whole life is just shit to him. Maybe he'll just want to sell this house and move on. Maybe he should because I don't even know if I want the memories. I have no idea what I want. Clearly.

Monday will be good. I'll find IC, find a lawyer, figure out what the fuck I am going to do. I'd be angry, if I just wasn't so heartbroken. I reread the posts here and it helps. I just have to get through each hour and hope this gets better.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 2:09 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

It WILL get better. I promise you that.

He may tell you that he "loves you but is not in love with you." He may tell you that he doesn't love you. He may tell you that he loves her. He is in La-La Land right now and doesn't have his head screwed on correctly. You do. You are arming yourself with information. You will not take his crap any longer!!!!

You could be overbearing?? Me, too! I don't cook. I don't keep a perfect house. We parent differently. I still DID NOT deserve to be cheated on!! No one does. I was just as unhappy as he was in our marriage. I never would have cheated on him!

You didn't do anything to cause this. HE is the one that is broken. HE is the one that is throwing everything away for a casual F. You are responsible for 50% of your marriage. That's it. The rest is on him! You need to concentrate on you. An atty will be able to help you with the questions you have about your house and your future. You just have to get through right now.

I found that nights were the worst, too. Somehow once morning comes things don't look as bleak. It's okay to ask your Dr. to help you for something to help you sleep and get throught hte nights.

You mentioned that you sometimes felt that you couldn't trust him. That was your gut talking to you. That is going to be very important during the next days, weeks and months. Listen to your gut always! If it is telling you that something is off, it is! If it is telling you he is lying, he is!

Actions speak louder than words. If he comes home, pay attention to how he acts. Is he defensive? Is he shifting the blame to you? Is he remorseful? (Be careful with that last one...mine acted VERY remorseful at first. Little did I know that he just took his A underground). If he is "remorseful," what is he doing to show you how sorry he is? Mine acted remorseful, and then about three nights later I asked him to hold me when we went to bed because I was feeling bad. He said, "You hold me." My gut was SCREAMING at me that he wasn't sorry...and he wasn't yet. Do not let him shift this onto you in any way, shape or form. HE is the one that did this. Not you!

Read and re-read the 180. Do not let him get in your face should he come home. If you do talk and afterward need advice or an opinion on how it went, post here. We have all walked in your shoes. Right now you need to protect you. F HIM!!!!!

(((((Lola)))))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

Eat healthy, exercise, & try to sleep well, taking care of yourself will help you deal with what is coming. Do whatever it takes to put your wellbeing first. It wonít make this easy, but it will make it easier.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

Don't rely on the smoking and the drinking. Those are unhealthy coping techniques. Look at it as something you have control over. You don't have control over what's been done to you, but you have control over this. You're going to have to rebuild so much in your life, don't stack the deck against yourself by adding addictions to it.

Also, you may not feel like it, but you're strong. On d-day I was a mess. MrH walked out and I drove two hours to his mom's house because that's where he said he might go. He wasn't even there. So I had to drive home and sleep alone. When he did come home he didn't want to sleep next to me so he slept on the couch. I slept on the floor. ON THE FLOOR! I think back now and I'm so ashamed of that. You're stronger than that, even if you don't feel like it right now.

A man who has been so unhappy for years doesn't buy a house in the middle of looking for a way out of the M. He doesn't plan for retirement. Unless he's a moron, he knows that enmeshes you further. No, he's rewriting history in order to appear like less of the bastard that he's being.

If he won't name OW, my guess is you know her or know of her. It might be too soon for you, but I'm picturing this woman thinking she's having a romantic tryst. Your WH answers a call from you in the midst of that tryst...then he actually walks out and leaves her to go talk to you. I get a chuckle at the thought of that homewrecker being treated like that when I'm sure she thinks she's the world and all the rainbows in it.

I'd also guess that now that the secret is out, he's going to get pressure to legitimize the "relationship". The problem there is As are fantasy. Reality sucks a lot of the time. He's going to see OW in the harsh light of reality and smack himself upside the head for screwing up what he had with you.

You can get through this because you've already showed your strength. Now just let their world fall apart while you build yours bigger and better.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11216 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 10th (Sunday)

Lola,

'Self medication' with alcohol, nicotine and caffeine (and more) is one way to respond to trauma. But hardly the best way.

Can you throw yourself into some kind of exercise routine for your body and other activities for your mind and emotions?

The shock you have taken and are enduring is very real. Trying to bury it with substances doesn't work. And taking it head on can seem overwhelming.

Those early days when you are physically alone and emotionally abandoned are very bad. Everyone here will tell you that.

Please seek counseling as soon as you can. A therapist, a minister - any experienced and qualified outside person can help you begin to process the stresses and help you begin to develop some context for where you are and how you will move forward.

The long nights and barren days will begin to fade. But some support right now is what you need to help you see that though you have never felt more alone, there is a way forward.

Peace and strength.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

(((((Lola7)))))

It will get better. He may say some crazy things to you, things you aren't prepared to hear. Right now he's probably in full deflection mode. He has to be to bear the horrible, disgusting thing he's done. He will grasp at straws at anything to make this NOT his fault. He will use his feelings, your behavior, his 'deserving' something or other. It's all nonsense, and lies, and just a way to get the blame off of his shoulders. The problem is, he knows and you know that's exactly where the blame belongs. So, if you hear the things you are afraid to hear, just remember that in the first few days or even weeks, the WS can and will say some outlandish garbage. They will rewrite the marital history, they will say they haven't been happy in a long time. They will blame the BS for their unhappiness. Just ignore him. He's in a crazy fog that makes him guiltless.

I'm sorry you're feeling that abandonment fear. It's scary as hell and it makes the confusion so much worse. Really, it is probably the worst part of those first few days - what will life look like now? You'll move in and out of that and anger, and sadness.

Try to find a book on infidelity. Dive in - learn. It will help you understand this mess and will occupy your mind. The reason I suggest infidelity is that anything else and you may find your mind wandering back to your H and his cheating. If it's infidelity, you will be dealing with what he's done and be able to focus a bit more.

Exercise - find a kickboxing workout. Put everything you have into it. I know that's hard but you will feel so much better afterwards - stronger, clear headed, and you will get some aggressions out as well.

We're here. Keep posting. Let it out. You don't have to dwell on it alone.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

I recognised the bullshit I heard from my husband of 24 years in that 'you're such a negative person' quote of yours. BULLSHIT. What a surprise you're feeling negative when the man you love is making love to you then off shaggin someone else.

DO NOT FORGET YOUR WORTH AS A PERSON. DO not beg, do not take a backward look at him unless he comes to you OOZING remorse and willing to kick his GF into the gutter without a backward glance.

I am a happier, more fulfilled person without my husband today than I would have been with him, but it took about 18 months for me to achieve that. I wasted time trying to love him back. Anyone who cheats on another like this is a worthless person who deserves no love.

You, on the other side of this mess, have a bright future. Keep that in mind and meanwhile do what it takes to get through. xxxxx


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 10th (Sunday)

Your not responsible for his cheating.

My FWH, put his mother onto me and decided I was a controlling overbearing bitch. Things he forgot, he doesn't do anything in regards to our house or life unless I remind him. I had to have a blow up sometimes to get him to do some things I couldn't do.

After him being in IC for quiet awhile and us starting and stopping MC, what was realized is this. My FWH controls everything by not doing anything or making any decisions. He needed this dynamic.

I go online and transfer 50 percent of funds to a new account. Eat something healthy and drink a lot of water.

Hugs!!!


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 313 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Just an update . . . Last night my H came home. We talked for literally 4 hours about everything. He told me the girls name, told me if was someone he knew from HS and just reconnected on FB. He said that he knows he's fucked in the head and doesn't understand why he destroyed our life when everything was perfect. He said he's having a hard time dealing with what he did to me. Told me I'm not just his wife but his best friend. We hashed a lot of things out and I felt better.

So we agreed to separate and work on ourselves. He said he's got an appointment for IC, will get a place this week. He will be sleeping downstairs and will leave Friday. He told me multiple times he wants to figure out who he is and I told him I needed to get back to the old me, and not his mother.

Now here's the thing, we drank all night, and of course, had sex and it was great. He laughed cried and hugged each other and blah blah blah. Then we wake this morning and I just feel awful again. I know I'm making this way to fucking easy on him. He wants to keep our finances combined and I'll still handle the bills but now that I'm sober and had time to think, I'm fucking mad and hurt again.

I think that if we separate we can't be talking and texting and emailing each other. And we sure as hell can't sleep together. He needs to know what it's like to NOT have me in his life. This man destroyed me and I feel like he's made this all about "boo hoo I'm so fucked up, poor me." Well WHAT ABOUT ME!! I just had my heart ripped out. WTF!!!

I have to stop worrying about whether we will get back together! I have to stop worrying if he's going to fuck this bitch while we're apart. He can have his life but he doesn't get to have me in it. For fuck's sake I'm making this TOO EASY for him.

Today I called an IC that was recommended to me through a friend. Hopefully I can get in to see him this week. WS will be spending the night but I've made plans to sleep at a friends so he'll be here by himself. I need to stay away from him. I called my doctor and hopefully will have Xanax at my pharmacy soon. Also, I will open my own bank account, but still pay our shared bills though our joint account. I need to detach from him. Oh and I'm going to take a shower and join a gym. I can't believe I said that, but I am.

I've lost 8 pounds in a week. I can barely eat. My brain is in a fog so I'm just sort of talking to myself and pushing myself into all this. It feels horrible.

And I'm so fucking hurt and mad at him for doing this shit to us. I don't want to talk to him after he moves. I don't even want to see him on FB. Shouldn't I just remove him? I mean I want him to know what it feels like to NOT have me! Right now I can't stand him.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 12:54 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Lola,

It is very important for both of you that you give him the gift of missing you. Unless you do that, there is a near certainty that you will be no more than training wheels and safety net for him.

The only way he can begin to understand what is at risk is if you let him figure out what it means to him to be without you and your marriage.

No one will tell you that a firm 180 is easy. Almost no one will tell you that it is not worth every ounce of courage you can muster to do it.

Meanwhile, the 180 is mostly for you - to get some clarity, some perspective and to focus on what it is that you want and need most.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
HollyLou
New Member
Member # 41248
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Lola- I found reading the 5 stages of grief for infidelity was really helpful, since I can almost anticipate my emotions and rationally acknowledge 'where I am'. Seems silly, but for me, it helped knowing that I'm not crazy- I AM GRIEVING. Grieving for a loss of trust; grieving for a loss of marriage that won't be the same ever.

Knowing these stages, naming my emotions actually helps me feel stronger. Makes me feel VALIDATED. Helps control the anger and turn it away from ME but outward- mostly to OW right now, even if WS deserves it more. (hey, I'm new here too!)

At least you are getting some good sex out of it. We are NOT. He is in the guest room, but in the house. I'm actually not sure HOW/IF/WHEN we ever get back there!!


BW, 45
WH, 48
D-Day 10/30/13
M: 17 yrs
2 DDs 15, 13
Status: ??

Posts: 21 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: MA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Welcome Lola -
As you have already learned there are some AWESOME people here, and they all have the shared experience of going through this.

Please make yourself a to do list, and get started on it.

You are definitely doing the right thing with getting some pharmaceutical support right now. If you are not getting the mandatory 3 done it makes thinking and controlling your emotions much more difficult.
So please if you are still having trouble sleeping talk to your Dr. Make sure you are able to get some good solid sleep every couple of days at a minimum, but shoot for a goal of at least 5 hours every night.

Also make sure you are eating, and if you are unable to eat that you are getting protein in you, with shakes, and so forth. This too impacts your ability to think clearly.

The third is staying hydrated. Please know that alcohol is a natural diuretic, and self medicating with it, while numbing the pain briefly only makes you feel worse and more foggy the next day.

Your To Do list should include:
1. Make an appt with a Divorce attorney. You need to get a good feel for how things are going to happen financially should you not R. Not knowing can cause you to make some decisions and choices that can impact you negatively.

2. Go to your Dr, and get tested for STD's. This is a sad reality that we all have to face. The one thing you know for sure is that your spouse has been lying, so when he says he has used a condom, don't believe him.

3. Focus on you. Put you first, and do what makes you feel happy. Do NOT blame yourself for his choices, you are a smart woman, and are very capable. Know this, as you face each day.

The pain from infidelity is overwhelming, and for many of us is the worst pain we have experienced thus far in our lives. But you will survive it, and you will become stronger, smarter, and more confident, with or without him as a result of it.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, November 11th (Monday)

And now in the soap opera which is my life . . . He came back again to pick up some things. He's upset, I'm upset, we're staying 6 feet away from each other and we're basket-cases.

I told him that I was afraid if he moves out he's going to see this other person. He tells me that he doesn't want to leave at all, but will do it if that's what I want. I told him I don't know what I want. That this whole thing has destroyed me, that I didn't want any of this. He apologized again, he's in tears and we're both incapable of finishing sentences because we start crying. This conversation is the worst.

I told him if I let him stay here and we work on it, we'd have to sleep separately for awhile. There would have to be complete transparency. He'd have to break it off with the OP and I want to hear it on speaker phone. He'd have to give me passwords to everything. I told him I hate that I have to ask for that, but I wouldn't be able to do this otherwise. I also want no more FB. He agreed to all of it, and started to cry again and apologized for the whole thing.

He will go to MC also, and seems genuinely remorseful. But his infidelity has shaken apart everything. I want him back, and I don't want him back.

I know I'm all over the place. I really don't know what we'll end up doing. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm sure things will change again in another couple hours. I hate my life.

If I allow him back, I better be doing some HARD 180. God this sucks.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 12:56 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 11th (Monday)

Lola,

An in-house 180 is not necessarily bad, especially with the directives you have laid out. It is more tempting for both of you to rug-sweep important issues.

Your resolve will be constantly tested this way. But you have taken some important steps. If he follows through and you do, while you maintain the 180, this may work, it may not.

If it doesn't work, make sure it's not you that helps it not to work.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, November 11th (Monday)

It will get better. He may say some crazy things to you, things you aren't prepared to hear. Right now he's probably in full deflection mode. He has to be to bear the horrible, disgusting thing he's done. He will grasp at straws at anything to make this NOT his fault. He will use his feelings, your behavior, his 'deserving' something or other. It's all nonsense, and lies, and just a way to get the blame off of his shoulders. The problem is, he knows and you know that's exactly where the blame belongs. So, if you hear the things you are afraid to hear, just remember that in the first few days or even weeks, the WS can and will say some outlandish garbage. They will rewrite the marital history, they will say they haven't been happy in a long time. They will blame the BS for their unhappiness. Just ignore him. He's in a crazy fog that makes him guiltless.

^^^Exactly this!^^^ I endured this from my fWH for almost 2 months after he got caught! Its all on him. Not YOU!


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 11th (Monday)

You've gotten lots of good advice, I second (or third or fourth) that you should read The Healing Library and read about the 180.

And this - you BOTH need to get tested for STDs - before you have sex with him again. (And read about HB as well.) Men cannot be tested for everything. When he gets his results back, insist on seeing the results for yourself.

Make sure he sends a NC letter or email to the OW and that you get to read it before he sends it if you are thinking about R.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My husband's 1st AP was a woman from college and his 2nd AP was a woman from high school.

Those old relationships are VERY powerful and have a very strong pull. This likely has been going on for some time.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1492 | Registered: Nov 2010
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Lola, my heart goes out to you.

I followed my H and his mistress one night when they went to their cheap motel. Fortunately I couldn't keep up with them because they drove way too fast, and if I hadn't lost them, I would have driven the car right through the door.

I commend you for your control. Leaving you in tears is inexcusable.

You have received good advice here. I hope you re read all the posts and let them sink in. I often re read posts and thoughts from the time I was where you are now and I realize how wise the advice was. I wish I had listened more carefully, but I was also in a state of despair, horror, fear, pain and denial.

These words in particular spoke to me, posted on the previous page. I will post them after this so that I don't lose this message. (I am not too good at quotes!)

Listen to these words. I wish I had because then we might be much further along in the reconciliation process.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 783 | Registered: Feb 2012
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 11th (Monday)

Here it is, from Merlin

It is very important for both of you that you give him the gift of missing you. Unless you do that, there is a near certainty that you will be no more than training wheels and safety net for him.

The only way he can begin to understand what is at risk is if you let him figure out what it means to him to be without you and your marriage.

Listen to these words


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 783 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, November 11th (Monday)

You all are completely right in your advice and have literally been a life line to me through this. I just wanted to update that I poured gasoline and lit a match over the idea of having him here. I couldn't stomach it. As of right now, no reconciliation. I'm letting him go, and when I have enough saved, will file for divorce. I just couldn't go through any more hoops with him.

Right now, we are over. And as much as that hurts, I think its the absolute right thing. I'm doing ok right now. I will get some meds this week and start therapy asap. I'm fighting for my normal self. Thank you thank you thank you so much for the support. I'll update soon. I'm doing better now that this is finally, FINALLY at a point where my path makes sense.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, November 11th (Monday)

And one more thing, I found the OW's husband and have sent him an email letting him know about the affair. I know where he works as well, so if she intercepts the email, she can't stop me from visiting him at work.

durate et vosmet rebus servate secundis
Carry on and preserve yourselves for better times


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I am so proud of you Lola! Please continue to think about you first and foremost.

You will survive this! Keep posting.
We are here for you.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

Yay Lola!!!

You're feeling better, but angry. That's not a bad thing. It does help when they show up and want to R. It takes the fear out of things, and puts the ball where it belongs - in your court!!

You may change your mind several times over the next few months. You want to R, you don't, you do, you don't and so on. That's perfectly normal. Don't think you're crazy for it. We've all been there - or most of us.

I'm glad he came around, even if you don't want him. As I said, that fear that they do love the OW, and they don't love BS, is scary, and can really do a number on any clear thinking. Now you know you can do whatever you want, and whatever that is, we'll all be here to support you!!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)

I got the I love you but I'm not in love with you. But I've been through the ringer with this man. He's already moved out, on our family, our pets, our life here. He's mad that I outed him and I'm just not prepared to go through anymore pain.

He's shown remorse, but not enough. It's been mostly for him, not for what he did to me. I've just had it. I'm utterly destroyed, sad, up and down, but I refuse to grovel to a man that It trying to destroy me. Fuck him.

I found out more stuff but I think I'll keep it off here. Let me just say, he's not only heartless and vile but so is the OW. They deserve each other.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 7:49 AM, November 29th (Friday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Edited - Apparently other eyes on this as well.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 2:13 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

(((Lola)))

Thinking of you this morning. You'll be ok in time. Keep taking care of yourself please.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

(((Lola))) You won't feel this way forever - try to focus on just one day at a time for now - we're all thinking of you.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

I hope today is better.

The thing that sent me into orbit about your story was his protection of the OW. He said let's keep her out of this? Too bad. She is way up into this. You f**k a married man, you get no protection. Not from the BS and not from the public.

I read an analogy about the WS and the AP. The WH pulled the trigger in the A, but the OW held the gun.

My true sympathy. I see so many things in common that come out of most WS mouths. The handbook to cheating hell must be required reading.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 14th (Thursday)

Yeah, I know it's best in the long run, but I wake up stunned. It just dropped on my head like a bowling ball. He's angry because I think because I blew the affair to OW's husband, and now that all his friends and family are yelling at him, he has to do a desperate grab for her to validate the relationship.

Apparently OW and husband are reconciling. Now husband is mad I ruined their great love affair. Is this son-of-bitch for real?

And why do I keep feeling so bad about this dirt bag!!!! One minute I'm good, the next I'm sobbing in the ladies room.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 2:15 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
K Phantom
Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, November 16th (Saturday)

(((Lola7)))

I lost a lot of weight going through the divorce diet. Went from a solid 160 to 125 and people were thinking I was on illegal drugs. Taking care of yourself right now is the most important thing you need to do. Sleep, eat, and hydrate!

You do NOT have to make any decisions right now, especially if it is based on whether the OW wants to be a part of his life or not. Make your decisions on what YOU want. If that is you donít want to decide anything right now thatís fine too. Talk to a lawyer and try to start understanding outcomes for reconciliation or not.

180 is great if you can do that. You had no control over the affair, however you can take control now and it should be based on what YOU WANT.

By the way I think your doing a fine job handling this thus far. I know itís hard but take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Itís going to get better.


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 515 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, November 17th (Sunday)

Lola, you did the right thing by outing the A to OBS. Your H is doing what many foggy WSs do - blaming you for his horrid actions. If you aren't the bad guy, who is? It can't be him, right?

When the fog lifts, he'll start to see what he's destroyed all because he's selfish and stupid. You'll see - his anger at you won't last. You may not want to reconcile, but he will wake up, and feel like the ass that he is.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 60