I've been pretty angry lately running a list in my head of the things that my WH's affair 7 months ago stole from me. I realized that this anger was starting to consume me and I figured out that I cannot give him any more power to ruin more of my life. So thank you in advance to any of you who take the time to read this. I'm in tears as I write this. I feel so lonely and sad. It's awful.
We're in IC and MC and all it seems like I hear at MC is what he can't do. He can't handle any more pressure besides the financial burden we are under, 1 child heading off to college next year and seeing now all the time he missed spending with his kids.
The longer this drags on, with all the excuse making and avoidance, the less interested I am in trying to make this work. Besides anger, I'm starting to feel like this just isn't worth it. When I try to look at what their is to save I come up with the stable home for our DD and our DS. I'm getting nothing out of this. No companionship, no affection, to comforting. It's a lonely and isolating place to be and I just don't see why I should stay in it.
First a little background: the bitch lives 1/2 way around the world in a place that he travels for business. After meeting her on a business trip, they carried on some form of text and skype communications while I was at work. This went on for a month before his next trip there. He spent a week with her and came back all guilty and suspicious and within 2 weeks had confessed to a PA. Once I knew he had slept with her, obviously we had to be tested for STD's. Now he claimed that wasn't necessary, which was his way of saying he used a condom, but my retort was that if he perform oral on her, who knows what he got. Crickets. Soooo, that's how I knew he did that.
Here's the list of what he stole from me. Any ideas on how to overcome them?
1) I get to deal with the humiliation of being tested for a variety of STD's. It was 2 different times I had to tell strangers that my husband cheated on me, once to my primary doctor and once to my GYN.
2) My stress and anxiety in the beginning was intense. Within a short period of time, I had to go on anti-depressants. I'm still on them which is a good damn thing, as some days, the tears are right there, ready to flow. I recently had surgery and when recounting my medication list, I had to say I was on them. If you knew me, you would know that I have the reputation for being one of the happiest and most upbeat people in the world. That joyfulness is gone, stolen because he didn't keep his dick in his pants.
3) Our wedding rings. They mean absolutely nothing right now. I found out that he took them off when he spent the week with the concubine. He presented himself in a work situation as married one trip, unmarried the next and back to married again. Damn near every time I look down at them, I want to cry. If we didn't have very astute teenage kids, mine would be off my finger right now.
4) Our anniversary. He was actually surprised that I didn't want to "celebrate it" 6 short months after he screwed another woman. Really, are you that much of a fucking moron?
5) The fact that I got our children vaccinated for HPV BECAUSE OF HIM and his actions. I had previously been on the fence before about the vaccine, but his betrayal made me realize immediately that if he cheated, I realized that others could be capable of doing the same.
6) My trust.
7) My happiness and joy. I only get happiness and joy from my relationship with my kids. They are the only bright light in my life right now.
8) Our sex life. Damn near every morning when he takes a shower, I wonder if he showered with her. Or if he made love to her both morning before work or only at night. I am tormented with imagining that the things I thought he did with ONLY me for the last 25 years were shared with her.
9) A sense of honesty. When I go back through the week he was with her, I can think back to the excuses used for why he didn't call or text. His phone died, he got in really late from dinner. blah, blah, blah.
There was a great post the other day about forgiveness. I forget who had the great comment about accepting that everything is different and it will never be the same again. The problem is what we have now sucks. The longer this drags on without any path forward, the less I give a shit.
Last MC I talked out how lonely I was. There was no conversation after the session, no attempt to hold or comfort me, nothing. Jeez, thanks for listening! Thanks for caring!
What am I doing for me? Unfortunately, work is extremely busy with 9-10 hour days and I'm nursing a bum ankle so no exercise on my schedule anytime soon.
Sorry this was so long. 10 points for you if you made it all the way to the end!!! Any wisdom would really be appreciated. I haven't posted much, but I'm here almost daily trying to come to terms with the bomb that blew up my world.
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013
"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"